1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom Side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,480 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca, 2. 3 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,720 Stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk boundaries, PO parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,360 truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud. 6 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:23,040 If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little. 7 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:24,960 Bit of spice. Let's get into it. 8 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,760 Hey, good afternoon. Welcome. 9 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:31,920 Everybody, good morning to those of us on the West Coast. 10 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,560 I'm so sorry. Here in central Well, and we 11 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:38,560 have listeners in Australia, apparently in Germany. 12 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,040 I'm loving this. So goodnight to y'all. 13 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,960 I don't know, like they're sleeping right now, I guess. 14 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:45,000 I know Lucky. I love sleep. 15 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,720 That's all I think about guys. Sleep, sleep, sleep. 16 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,000 That's because you're a stepmom. Yeah. 17 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:56,480 So we have some nitty gritty to get down to something that has 18 00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:00,200 been recurring and a lot of messages from stepmoms, 19 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:05,000 something that is coming up in the stepmom side chat membership 20 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,800 in our little vent space between stepmoms. 21 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:11,560 So thought that this was really necessary and appropriate right 22 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,920 now. So let's get into it. 23 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:18,560 I don't think you know, everyone has told us you'll you sign up 24 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:19,840 for this. You know, you got yourself into 25 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:24,040 and we've discussed that, but there's the level of no one 26 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:28,720 really explaining to us how horrible it is feeling like 27 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,920 you're in competition with another household. 28 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,440 Am I right or am I right? Like Mic drop. 29 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:38,640 That is the epitome of set mom life is it's so much work to 30 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:43,320 constantly compete and keep up with the Jones or you know, the 31 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,480 Johnsons, whatever bio mom's last name is. 32 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,920 The Johnsons, you and your one liner. 33 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,720 I know Alyssa has a one year old son. 34 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:59,400 So like he's still in that sleep cycle area thing. 35 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,600 I don't know, I'm not even making sense. 36 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,560 He's in that, you know, sleep stage right now where it's very 37 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,440 inconsistent. So let's just a little. 38 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,800 Tired sometimes. Never heard of keeping up with 39 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,840 the Joneses? I've heard of keeping up with 40 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,680 the Joneses, but not the Johnsons. 41 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,400 I'm saying whatever bio moms last name is, that's who we're 42 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,200 keeping up with lately. True, true. 43 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,040 No. I love this topic because like 44 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,160 Alyssa just said, a lot of people are, you know, reaching 45 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:30,040 out to us and talking about the constant pressure that they feel 46 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:36,320 to, you know, be as good as or, you know, whatever what have you 47 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,840 as bio mom's house. So I love that we're talking 48 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,760 about this today. Yes, it's the noise, the 49 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,000 constant pressure and it's not always right in your face in 50 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,240 blatant and it's not always the kid just saying, well, why don't 51 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,000 we do this? Because we do it at mom's house. 52 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,440 You it's also it can kind of show up in other ways and we're 53 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,320 going to get into that. Today's just a quick story. 54 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:01,480 Something I have as an example of this I wanted to share with 55 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:10,080 everyone is Once Upon a time, we deal with this quite often and I 56 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:15,000 don't think that Becca's household is the same on this 57 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,640 aspect because the kids are 5050 with us. 58 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:22,560 So, so the way that they have this, you know, the pickup is 59 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,280 the same day of the week, you know it was always Fridays and 60 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,280 drop off was Friday. And So what they would compare 61 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:32,800 so hard was how we did pick up at school versus mom. 62 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,400 And it was apparent through the school. 63 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,160 It wasn't like the kids complaining about this or 64 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,920 anything, but it became an issue because it was confusing. 65 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:45,000 And who, what house are they at? You know, So for example, they 66 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,120 go to school in mom's neighborhood, so they walk home 67 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:52,040 from school. But on our weeks we live so they 68 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:55,520 certainly cannot walk home. So we have to do like the pick 69 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:58,040 up through the carpool or walk up to the school to pick them 70 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,240 up. And it just it becomes a hassle 71 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,720 and it's annoying. And I can see it on the kids. 72 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,400 They don't complain about this, but I know that they want to 73 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,440 walk home because it's cool and all the other kids are and they 74 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:10,720 have to wait in the carpool line. 75 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:15,840 So this is just one of the things that bugs me and I hate 76 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,279 that. Like, I can't make it different 77 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:20,839 for the kids. My husband's just like, you have 78 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:22,240 to let it go. And you know why? 79 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,440 I said, oh, OK, I'll just, I'll just let it go. 80 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,480 I know, I know. It's so hard. 81 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,400 It's like, I don't know, I feel like as stepmoms, we take 82 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:36,480 everything so much more personally than bio dad does. 83 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,400 Yeah, I have kind of a similar story. 84 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,760 It was on Easter one year and I think I kind of touched on it in 85 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,200 another episode. But yeah. 86 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,880 So disclaimer, if you have kids in the car, maybe, you know, 87 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:51,160 Fast forward through the section because Easter Bunny drop right 88 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:57,720 here, obviously. So obviously stepmoms are the 89 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,240 Easter Bunny when our step kids are with us too, you know, so I 90 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,640 was so excited to do all these Easter baskets. 91 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:09,840 I was so tired because my son was the son that the age that 92 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,040 Alyssa's son is right now. So his sleep was like so 93 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,160 inconsistent. I was exhausted, right, as all 94 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,680 moms are. And so I took all this time to 95 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:20,440 make these like really cute, you know, thoughtful Easter baskets 96 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,040 for my step kids. And it was whatever, right? 97 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:26,760 Well, my step kids at this age, like they know who the Easter 98 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,760 Bunny is. They know it's me, but you know, 99 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,560 it's still kind of like an unsaid thing. 100 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,560 So whatever, you know, Fast forward to Easter morning, you 101 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:38,880 know, I put them out, I do all these things and it still boils 102 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,600 my blood. But they're just kids. 103 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,160 They don't understand, but it's just interesting anyways. 104 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,080 So they were like, they're like, oh, they're looking at it. 105 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,560 They're like these Easter baskets suck. 106 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:52,080 The ones at my mom's house are so much. 107 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,200 Better. What? 108 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:59,920 I went into a spiral. Everyone, like, I was so upset, 109 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:03,120 and I didn't obviously, like, say anything to them, but I said 110 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,960 to my husband. But that's what it reminded me 111 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,680 of Alyssa is because my husband's like, it's not a big 112 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:08,880 deal. Who cares? 113 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,760 I'm like, who cares? What do you mean? 114 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,520 Who cares? That's so rude. 115 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,040 Yeah. I'm like, that's so rude, you 116 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:19,520 know, It's so ungrateful. And I think sometimes step kids 117 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,640 kind of know what they're doing. I hate to say that, but I'm 118 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:23,840 sorry. I just think it's true. 119 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,080 That's why the difference is between being a bio mom and 120 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,960 being a stepmom like Alyssa and our bio kids. 121 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,640 They're never going to even have the opportunity to say that to 122 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,040 us because all they're going to know is our Easter baskets and 123 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,360 they're going to think they're great whether they're filled 124 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,320 with dollar store items or Gucci items. 125 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:46,640 And what a privilege it is to have an ours baby or to be a mom 126 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,400 that doesn't have step kids and can do as much or as little as 127 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,840 they want and it be like the greatest thing ever. 128 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,880 Unfortunately that is not the case for stepmoms. 129 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,400 So let's dig into how we deal with this and cope with this. 130 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:04,320 And in Becca's example there of how she just did whatever she 131 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,520 wanted for Easter and it was told to her that it wasn't 132 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,040 enough. I am the reverse. 133 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,160 Becca and I are such a yin and Yang. 134 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,960 We are complete opposites but calmly on each other so well. 135 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,240 So I am the complete opposite. I go above. 136 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:21,160 I'm extra and that's just who I am, but in the same role that 137 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:27,520 pulls out into my stepmom life where I am thinking like, I hope 138 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,080 they think my enough is as great as I think it is. 139 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,240 And so I'm worrying even though they're not saying about like 140 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,520 what Mom's Easter looks like or whatever. 141 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,440 I'm worrying and I'm like, hoping for whatever reason, I'm 142 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:45,480 wanting to be like a better Easter or them to look forward 143 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,040 to a holiday at my house, you know, like, why do I care? 144 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,080 Because I do love these kids, you know? 145 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,360 So yeah, I do want them to love being here, to love our house. 146 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,360 But at what expense? We have got to get into how 147 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:03,040 we're all going to cope with if we're not enough, assuming that 148 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,760 we are enough, and we'll give you a few tricks of the trade, 149 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:07,960 which it took us a long time to learn and we're still 150 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,880 practicing. Yeah, I was going to say we're 151 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,040 still learning some of those tricks of the trade. 152 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,880 Right, right, right. So there is that unspoken 153 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,640 pressure that we talked about like no one says it out loud, 154 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,640 but you feel it, right? So who's more fun? 155 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,800 Who's more loved? Who's doing it right? 156 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,000 In my situation, we have bio kids at home and she doesn't 157 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,200 have any other kids with her new spouse. 158 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:34,280 So I think a lot about this of like, oh, when my littles go to 159 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,760 bed because they're like babies, the kids all have to be quiet in 160 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,799 your house because we have like a one story. 161 00:08:38,799 --> 00:08:42,600 It's like a farmhouse style. So the the noise carries through 162 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,760 the house and I just I hate that. 163 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,320 And in the mornings where they're getting ready for 164 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,600 school, we try and keep them quiet so they don't wake up the 165 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,000 baby. So I'm like, Oh my gosh, they 166 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:53,960 must hate that. Like they have to be quieter at 167 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,160 my house. And just another thing that 168 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,200 you're so. Sweet I would like not even 169 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,680 care. You're so sweet to even think 170 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,440 about that. I'm like, yeah, this is our 171 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,600 house and this is how it is because it's the same situation 172 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,080 with us too is bio moms don't have any other more kids. 173 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:15,800 You know, my husband is their only baby daddy, so but I can 174 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:19,400 relate to the quiet thing in the beginning because my stepson, he 175 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,880 was like, oh, I hate this. He cries in the middle of the 176 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,240 night and it wakes me up and I'm tired for school. 177 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,280 And I did feel really bad about it was like, oh, he doesn't have 178 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,800 to deal with that at his mom's house. 179 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,400 And I remember I called my mom and she was like, she's like, 180 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,160 we'll tell him that. That's part of being in a family 181 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,240 and you have to be quiet and you know, and so after that they 182 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,360 say. I don't care. 183 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,120 Not at my mom's family. Not at my mom's house. 184 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,720 Say we're not talking about that, buddy. 185 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,600 Yes, yeah, but no, I know. I understand what you're saying 186 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,760 though, in all. Seriousness, just so everyone 187 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,400 knows this is like there are so many levels to this. 188 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,800 It goes deeper than them saying at mom's house this and that. 189 00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:00,320 But that is very valid of an ache for stepmoms of course too. 190 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:04,360 So OK, the thing I want to get into is how competition actually 191 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,200 shows up. Besides the gifts, it also shows 192 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:11,720 up in experience. So if there's a different level 193 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,920 of income between houses, there's an experience level of 194 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,760 like, they take trips everywhere. 195 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,040 Do you ever have to hear from the kids? 196 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:22,040 Like, why don't we go anywhere? And it's like, you know, they're 197 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,640 asking because they're always taking trips at Disneyland. 198 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:31,000 I mean, mom's house. It's rules versus freedom. 199 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,680 So do you discipline in your house? 200 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,560 Probably. Does bio mom's house discipline? 201 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,560 Probably not well. Sometimes, but if it just might 202 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:43,000 look different and that's what's so difficult, you know, And I 203 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:47,000 know I spoke about this a few episodes ago about how me and 204 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:51,320 bio mom have in the past, not really anymore, but we've, you 205 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,720 know, talked and collaborated on an appropriate punishment for my 206 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,960 stepson. But I think the difference is 207 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,600 too is like we have different parenting styles between the 208 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,400 households. And yes, like I've said so many 209 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:08,200 times, I love her, but I do not agree with how she disciplines 210 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,880 and parents all the time. And I'm sure she says the same 211 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,360 thing about me and that's OK. But when we're talking about 212 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,000 comparing for a kid, that's really, really hard to 213 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,880 understand and not compare between households, like, oh, 214 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:26,360 well, at my mom's house, I, you know, can't watch TV in my room 215 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,560 till I fall asleep. But at your house I can, you 216 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,320 know, And that's why I like being here better, or vice 217 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,800 versa, whatever you know the situation is. 218 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,280 Yeah, and that's exactly what I'm touching on too. 219 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:41,160 And we're trying to show, y'all is that there are so many ways 220 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:45,040 that this shows up and wears its ugly head, and it's important to 221 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,280 be able to identify them so that we can shut them down. 222 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,800 And I'll shut down those feelings when you get them. 223 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:55,160 So the moment you realize it's costing you, it starts to 224 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:59,000 replenish your, I like to call it like we're an ATM, right? 225 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:03,640 So we can give out as much as we put into ourselves. 226 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,240 So if we don't have time for self-care, we're pretty low on 227 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:11,640 like how much we can give to our family, our job, our spouse, 228 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,560 marriage, you know, cleaning our house. 229 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:18,800 So obviously there's a big self-care for stepmoms like 230 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,000 need. What does that look like? 231 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,480 How do we do that? That is something to that is 232 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:28,440 it's in a guide coming to the member. 233 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,200 So for our like small village of stepmoms that have that support 234 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,840 for each other. And the link will be here in the 235 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,760 podcast bio, but we can send it out too if you message us. 236 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:43,120 This is something that I have done a lot in the past and it's 237 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,520 what I like to retreat and I need space for myself. 238 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,880 So when something is irking me like a trigger like we talked 239 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:54,240 about in the past, or if a set kiddo is saying something that 240 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:58,760 is making me rethink everything I've done for back to school or 241 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,280 for Easter or whatever it is, I just take my time to step away. 242 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:06,640 And then I go through these processes of reminding myself 243 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,160 what is actually happening here, reminding. 244 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,800 So how do I remember that this isn't actually a competition? 245 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,400 So caregiver burnout we discussed also, but it is 246 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,960 costing you when you're over giving like this and you're 247 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,240 trying to keep up with the Jones, you're trying to keep up 248 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,840 with the step by the bio mom's house. 249 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:31,480 And so this is what we want to do to reframe your mindset. 250 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,440 SO2 houses equals two different teams. 251 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,600 The way I see this is my step kids, they go to basketball, so 252 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,520 they have a jersey. One week they wear the Gray 253 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,080 jersey, the other week it flips and they wear it red. 254 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,880 It's the same jersey. So they have two different 255 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,480 teams. They can be a home team or an 256 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,000 away team. All it is is 1 little jersey. 257 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,800 So how are we doing this in our life and separating ourselves 258 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,320 from by a mom's house while not completely erasing it because 259 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,240 it's so pertinent. And the kids that are traveling 260 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,560 back and forth between houses, like is there anything that they 261 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:06,760 need that's consistent for their health and Wellness? 262 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,680 Is there anything that they need for schooling that needs to be 263 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,920 consistent and not be a competition? 264 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:16,080 So if you look at it that way, where we're imagining this is 265 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:20,600 for the kids sanity, this is for the kids well-being this, then 266 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:24,120 it's not about like it's for my sanity, it's for my well-being. 267 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,960 It feels more like something for business. 268 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,640 And we take the emotion out of it. 269 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,560 And this helped me so much, so immensely. 270 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,840 But it's a mindset that you have to kind of train yourself 271 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,080 around. You know, the instant thing is 272 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,600 to think like, Oh my gosh, she's, she's competing with me. 273 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,080 She's hearing about what is happening at my house and she's 274 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,080 trying to be better. And it's so hard to just accept 275 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,720 that and live with that feeling every day. 276 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,880 So if you can remember that some of this stuff is actually maybe 277 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,080 not Easter baskets. But like this school. 278 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,760 Example, I can't have them walking home. 279 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,280 You know, we live 20 minutes away. 280 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,720 What are they going to walk for a couple hours across the 281 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,000 highway? And so it's in their best 282 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,760 interest. And if they have an issue, and 283 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,000 if they do ever express it to me, I'm going to be able to say, 284 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,920 you know, of course that doesn't work out, but here's what we can 285 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,760 do. And this is how I thought 286 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,480 through this process. We ended up finding a street 287 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,160 because the school is in the neighborhood. 288 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,080 They can walk down to this street where we're always parked 289 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,520 and it's closed. So they have eyes and 290 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,040 everything. They can walk with some of their 291 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,280 friends and meet us at the car. Because I could kind of think 292 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,240 through this on a logical level and keep the emotions out of it 293 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,000 and how I'm competing. We're in her neighborhood. 294 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,600 I let the noise stay out. And we came to a really great 295 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,320 solution for the facts that we're given. 296 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,240 Does that kind of the processes right? 297 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,360 That makes sense, or is that confusing? 298 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,080 Yeah, no, I think, I think that's really sweet of you. 299 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,880 I knew you were sweet. So. 300 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,000 Oh my gosh. No, I think that's really sweet 301 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,240 though, that you're, you know, you. 302 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,920 Saw. Where they were kind of maybe 303 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,240 comparing between households and so you didn't want to take that 304 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,320 completely away from them on y'all's week. 305 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:04,880 So you did a compromise that on address safety and made them 306 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,400 still feel cool with walking with their friends. 307 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,040 And you were able to do it easily without, you know, 308 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:15,000 overcompensating yourself or abanding yourself in any way. 309 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,000 So no, I think that's cool. I have a similar story with my 310 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,360 youngest. He has really crazy curly hair. 311 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:26,080 He is mixed. And it gets really tangly. 312 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:29,200 Same with my son. Anyhow, he uses this certain 313 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:33,200 curling cream, right? And I guess I have one that he 314 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,600 just doesn't like, right? So which is fine. 315 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,680 I used to take that so personally before. 316 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,720 I'd be like, you don't like my curling cream, the one at your 317 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,800 mom's house better. But like, you know, Melissa was 318 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:47,640 saying, like, as you like get, you know, more into your stepmom 319 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,480 role, you get a thicker skin, I think. 320 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,280 And you're just like, it's just not personal. 321 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,280 Like he's not trying to hurt my feelings by saying that. 322 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,040 Yes, maybe he could say it differently, but he is not to 323 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,680 that stage developmental yet where I can have that 324 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,960 conversation with him. So anyways, so he's like, I 325 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:05,040 don't like the curling cream. So the other day he was at his 326 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,000 mom's house. He said, text me a picture of 327 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,760 that curling cream. He's like, OK, so you did it. 328 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,040 When he got back to our house, it was, you know, it was on the 329 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,760 bath room, you know, counter. And I think that's just like 330 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,960 another example. See, I'm sweet too. 331 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,920 Look. At you, you, you are we're so. 332 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,319 Nice. We're not evil, stepmom. 333 00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:23,640 See you guys. See. 334 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,040 What do you know, we're having a good week. 335 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,880 What do you know? So, but I think that was another 336 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,080 example of like, OK, I can do this little thing. 337 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,480 It's not like I'm going to overextend myself financially or 338 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,440 emotionally, mentally by doing this little thing. 339 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,800 But it gives him some, you know, alignment between the two 340 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:45,320 houses, This curling skin cream, it's the same at both houses. 341 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,600 And it makes me feel loved, right? 342 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,840 So it's all good. It goes back to that parallel 343 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,200 parenting too. We can only do what we can at 344 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,840 our house. But again, when it comes down to 345 00:17:53,840 --> 00:18:01,000 something, Stepmoms, how are you coping with transition day? 346 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,680 I'll tell you how I am. I'm lighting my big ass candles 347 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:09,000 to calm my big ass anxieties and honestly it changes the whole 348 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,280 mood of the house. Same chaos, just calmer vibes 349 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:15,560 and way better energy. We're obsessed with big ass 350 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:19,760 candles from big ass luxuries. Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. 351 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,520 If you want to try one, use code stepmom at checkout for a 352 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,280 discount. That's code stepmom at checkout. 353 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,840 Big ass candles because stepmom life comes with big ass 354 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:38,280 feelings. Yeah. 355 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,840 And that takes us back to like, parallel parenting, you know, 356 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,680 and making sure we can do what we can do in our own home. 357 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,720 They'll do what they can do in their own home. 358 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,840 We have to choose consistency over competition. 359 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,560 But if it comes down to something as simple as like the 360 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,280 hair gel or whatever, we're going to do what we can just 361 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,720 make them happy and like our house. 362 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,400 But we're not trying. We're not overcompensating, not 363 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,280 putting ourselves out, but we have to also allow good enough 364 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,800 to be enough. This is where, again, we go into 365 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,040 the caregiver burnout and stepmom burnout. 366 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:13,440 We enough is enough. You know, think about the 367 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,240 mindset of if this was their only house. 368 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,560 Yes, they might say, well, it's different at mom's house, but at 369 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,360 what expense? At what point are you going to 370 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,240 put an end? Is it going to be like when 371 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:25,800 you're hospitalized because you went crazy? 372 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:30,520 We have to put an end to that. To them yeah and then we just 373 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,560 overdo it and it's it's just so interesting as stepmoms how at 374 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:38,080 least an Alyssa nice experience. We don't do that for our own 375 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,520 kids like I'm sorry. I tell my son like Oh well 376 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,360 that's what we have for dinner. Sorry. 377 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,720 That's what we have for snacks in the pantry right now. 378 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,000 But with my stepson. I don't know why if, if I hear 379 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,440 the comparing of even simple things of snacks and the other 380 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:57,720 households like it used to get me so like defensive and I'm 381 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,800 like, well, maybe I need to go get butter snacks. 382 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:05,480 But I think what's important to to really take away from this is 383 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:11,520 the more confident you are in yourself and who you are as a 384 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,920 stepmom, the less worried you're going to be about those little 385 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,240 comparison comments from your step kids. 386 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,680 And I'm not saying that you can't set boundaries. 387 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,520 You know little boundaries when they do say stuff if it is out 388 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,080 of line or you know too much for your own feelings. 389 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:30,600 But as you become more confident in your role and who you are as 390 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,320 a stepmom, I think you start to take it a little bit less 391 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,760 personally because it's like, OK, well, these snacks that I 392 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:40,640 buy in my house are because XY and Z and this is how we 393 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,640 operate. If you don't like it, then you 394 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,440 starve, you know, and I'm not saying obviously you really 395 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,840 starve, you know, sorry, but you know, then you don't eat that, 396 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,120 OK. And I think it just gets better 397 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,240 over time. I don't know what's your. 398 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,920 Experience with that, The snack thing is a real touchy subject 399 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:59,400 at my house. So it just I can't with that 400 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,080 one. So that's another thing where we 401 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:05,920 put a boundary of like with the school lunches that go back and 402 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:08,840 forth, the lunch box that went back and forth between houses. 403 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:13,960 There would be like purposefully it seems that there were notes 404 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:20,360 left there, you know from mom and snacks that were eaten the 405 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:24,600 empty containers and stuff for packages that are trash that on 406 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,640 my weeks they just throw it away at lunch left there. 407 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:32,320 Like I don't know why but my husband and I are having to see 408 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,640 what these kids are eating for lunch on those weeks. 409 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,320 And you know it's kind of hard if we don't agree with 410 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,840 everything that's in the lunch. If I and this is like the 411 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,200 complete opposite. But I am comparing with the 412 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,400 other house because I'm looking out for the kids best interest 413 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,760 now and I'm thinking is this good for them to be having XY 414 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:52,600 and Z in their lunch? But yeah, I cannot control the 415 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,720 other house. I can't and I'm certainly not 416 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,080 going to be able to control the kids and tell them, you know, 417 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:01,360 this isn't good to eat because if that's what they're given and 418 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:03,720 I told them that they can't eat that then but they're just not 419 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:07,560 going to have lunch. So I had to let that one go. 420 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,960 We ended up saying like, hey, we're going to get lunch box for 421 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,120 our house just so that we don't lose the lunch boxes going back 422 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:16,680 and forth between houses. So now I don't have to see the 423 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,080 notes. I don't have to. 424 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,320 We don't see what they had for lunch or didn't not, you know. 425 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,400 So wherever you can find your piece, you just have to get 426 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,480 creative, find your piece again, if you're in the membership, you 427 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,000 can tell us an example and we have are very creative after all 428 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,080 these years and we can help with these kinds of things of how can 429 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,640 we narrow down that extra stress, give you a little bit 430 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:42,160 more peace, put more into your ATM so you can give more to your 431 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,600 family. Yeah, no, absolutely. 432 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,200 OK. So I'm going to put it into 433 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,680 perspective for you guys. OK, go ahead. 434 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,920 OK, let me put this into perspective for you guys. 435 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,960 The kid says, you know, at mom's house, blah, blah, blah. 436 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:01,800 So what we do is we remember this isn't a comparison for a 437 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,520 child. This is information. 438 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,440 So what are we going to do with that information? 439 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:06,920 You know, they're not testing us. 440 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,600 They're not choosing sides. They are literally narrating 441 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,840 their world. So we here at mom's house and 442 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,400 our nervous system start shaking and we hear that we're losing. 443 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,040 No matter what they're saying, whether it's good, bad or ugly, 444 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,600 we feel like, oh, initially we're going to just take this 445 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,760 information as we lost whatever it is. 446 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,160 We're not as great. But what the kid actually means 447 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:31,560 is this is familiar to me. And then they narrate, you know, 448 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,640 Easter at their mom's house or something because it's something 449 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,080 they've done and it's something familiar to them. 450 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,520 So the best things to do at these times, get your pen and 451 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,080 paper. We are not going to correct 452 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,000 them. We are not going to defend 453 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:49,520 ourself and say, well, at our house, you know, and that's so 454 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,280 hard because that's the instant thing that I do. 455 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,400 And we're not going to explain. We're not going to explain why 456 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,840 ours is better. I don't know how, but you have 457 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,760 to get yourself to not do that. Like me not saying, well, that 458 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,840 lunch isn't healthy or, you know, we can't do. 459 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:09,640 That no, no, I think that's important and it also helps just 460 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:12,960 like with Co parenting in general, even if it is like a 461 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,880 high conflict situation. But when we take the High Road 462 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:22,200 by not having those comments become a competition, then I 463 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,960 feel like it neutralizes, you know, the playing ground between 464 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,520 households because it also sends, you know, a subconscious 465 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:34,160 message to the step kid that, OK, well, she's not going to 466 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,200 tell me why this house is better. 467 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:39,160 So maybe I don't need to say anything else. 468 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,840 It almost kind of like shuts them down in a developmentally. 469 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:46,840 Appropriate way yes, yes, and it retrains their mindset and their 470 00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:49,480 process so that they know next time that they OfferUp that 471 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,400 information, they are kind of knowing what to expect. 472 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:56,160 And so something an example of what to say would be like, yeah, 473 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,680 that's how they do it there got it. 474 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,120 That's it No tone, no, like that's how they do it. 475 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:07,200 You know, no follow up, just that's our power move as step 476 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,440 moms and as an influence in these kids lives. 477 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:11,480 Well, that's how they do it there. 478 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,840 Cool. The other option that is to say, 479 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:17,640 you know, does that work for you because maybe sometimes it's 480 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,000 something that's unhealthy or if it's something you actually do 481 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,280 want to like infiltrate in your house, Do you like that process 482 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:28,960 or do you you know, you like that after school activity if 483 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,880 it's something that you want to look into doing as well? 484 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,720 So taking an interest where you can and then in other cases 485 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:38,600 just, you know, kind of a blame. OK, good to know. 486 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,040 And then you move on with the conversation, move on with your 487 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:44,720 life. Just a few more things. 488 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,800 I want to make sure that everyone gets today comparison. 489 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,320 All it does is it's going to wreck your peace. 490 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:57,680 So our stepmom power, our power move is going to be having peace 491 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:01,920 and not letting the other house or buy a mom or stepdad or 492 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,160 whatever it is get to us. When we show up and we are our 493 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:09,400 full confident selves and we don't feel that competition, we 494 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:13,200 feel so secure in our household and what we are producing here, 495 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:17,040 then we're winning. And that's if you're looking for 496 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,400 a competition, that's the competition is being so sure of 497 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,720 what you're producing in your house. 498 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,360 Just remember that kids, you know, they don't keep score the 499 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:28,320 way adults think. The way they calculate and keep 500 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:32,440 score is by experience and not experience like a travel 501 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:38,280 experience, but like a family dinner or having to help 502 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,800 participate with something in the house and that makes them 503 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:43,840 feel included. Safety is another one. 504 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:46,760 If they feel safe in your home, they feel like they can come to 505 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,800 you with information. Like my stepson literally. 506 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:53,200 And I saw another stepmom post this and I was like great, me 507 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:54,880 too. This means we're succeeding. 508 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,200 He came up to me and said, I want to talk to you about a girl 509 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:03,040 at school. Don't tell daddy I said OK, and 510 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,240 then I went and told my husband I'm going to go talk with him 511 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,960 about the girl at school, but this is between us. 512 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,960 Yeah, butt out. Like, I'm winning right now. 513 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,960 He's confiding in me. He feels safe and that's all 514 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,080 that matters. If he doesn't get a trip to 515 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:19,760 Disney World this year, so be it. 516 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,080 He feels safe and that's really all I care about. 517 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:23,920 Another one that's like. The same. 518 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,280 Yeah, no. And I just side note, that's the 519 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:29,400 thing I also like, you know, there's there's not a huge 520 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,720 laundry list of things, but one that is something that I love 521 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,280 about being a stepmom is like little moments like that because 522 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,280 it's like we're not the mom, we're not the dad. 523 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:40,960 And it's like we're like the fun aunt that they can like tell 524 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:42,600 little. That's true and like. 525 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,720 Yeah, I think that's so cute that that happened, but yeah, 526 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:47,680 keep going. Yeah, these are our nieces and 527 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,280 nephews staying at our house way too long, overstaying their 528 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,200 welcome, and we're the fun aunt. So yeah, it does. 529 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,800 Because I have been told by multiple sources and I do agree 530 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,760 with this, that we should not discipline unless we've built a 531 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,520 big strong bond with connection, safety and trust. 532 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:06,440 But if we're not disciplining and that's up to bio dad, that's 533 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,320 a win for us, right? That's we're fun. 534 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:12,360 So the last two things that the way that the kids keep score is 535 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:18,360 by connection and familiarity. So some stepmoms kind of have an 536 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,680 issue with familiarity just because they feel like, well, we 537 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,120 don't have the kids as often at our house and they're at bio 538 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:26,840 moms more. So how to attain that 539 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,280 familiarity is keep in contact when you're not together. 540 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:34,960 If that kiddo has a phone, if that kiddo has sports that you 541 00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:39,280 are allowed to attend, be there and be present as much as you 542 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,680 can. And just to build that bond with 543 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,640 that connection with the step kid and not to compete because 544 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,440 we just want them to feel comfortable and feel safe, you 545 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:51,120 know, feel accepted at our house. 546 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:54,720 And I think that is like success as a stepmom. 547 00:28:54,920 --> 00:29:00,280 That's the best way to put it. So let's see, do you want to get 548 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,280 to some stepmom? Question. 549 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:06,600 Yes, yes, I do have a couple that kind of go along with what 550 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:11,360 we're talking about today. OK, so this listener says or 551 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:15,520 asks how do you deal with competition between households 552 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,960 when it comes to birthdays and holidays? 553 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,600 So such a loaded question. Such a loaded question. 554 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:24,000 So we can kind of we can go a little bit deep into this. 555 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:27,880 I think we have time. So first, do you guys do joint 556 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:29,160 birthday parties? No. 557 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,680 Are you kidding? You know our situation. 558 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,560 That would never, ever. Have you ever. 559 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:39,240 No, and I think it's probably in the divorce decree that like we 560 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:40,160 can't. No, I'm just kidding. 561 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:43,080 It's not that bad. But like no, just a hard no, no, 562 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,720 no, no, no, no, literally something that isn't a divorce 563 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:48,760 decree that they shared the birthday. 564 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:52,360 So whatever day the birthday lands on whoever, whatever 565 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:55,440 parent they're with that day, they get a set amount of time in 566 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:59,600 a certain amount of hours with the other parent. 567 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,320 And to be honest, I don't completely love it or agree with 568 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,360 it. And this was something that, you 569 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:08,360 know, would look into changing next time we go to court 570 00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:11,480 remediation, God forbid. But I think it really wrecks the 571 00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:14,240 kids. You know, that's a big shift. 572 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,800 We talked about transition day and then coming to our house or 573 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,360 going over to mom's house for just a couple hours and coming 574 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,360 back to that house again. It's like a tease. 575 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:26,920 It's like a mental mind. You know what, Like, I don't 576 00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:30,880 think it's healthy. I understand that my mom would 577 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,040 want to see her kids on their birthday. 578 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:34,920 Yeah, yeah. Definitely. 579 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,960 But at what cost This is, I could imagine the kids growing 580 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:41,240 up and needing therapy because their birthdays were always, you 581 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,800 know, mentally taxiing and maybe they hate birthdays. 582 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,040 I just that's something that we have discussed changing. 583 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,280 Yeah, I know. And I think to answer the 584 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:53,040 listener question as far as because I, I have seen 585 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:57,280 definitely competition as far as like birthday gifts go and you 586 00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:03,080 know, things that one household is financially able to gift 587 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:05,920 versus another family. And I think it's just really 588 00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:09,080 important that in both households as much as you can 589 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,320 obviously try to use like similar language as you know, 590 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:14,640 like this is what we're able to give. 591 00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:19,400 And you know, just because XY and Z doesn't mean that we can't 592 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,880 still have fun on your birthday. And like Alyssa was saying 593 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:26,320 earlier, I would just really focus on the experience and that 594 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:30,360 quality time that you spend with your step kids on that birthday 595 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:32,320 and make that something that they remember. 596 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:35,360 Because I know for me at least, I'm really trying to think back. 597 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,400 I don't know about you, Alyssa, but I can't really think like of 598 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,280 one birthday gift I got as a child. 599 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:44,240 I can think of memories that I had with my parents, you know, 600 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,600 once with just my mom or once, but just my dad. 601 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:51,320 But I, I never went my, my dad got me a car, you know, which 602 00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,800 didn't happen, you know, but just saying like. 603 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:56,360 I'm not bitter or anything. Yeah, yeah. 604 00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:57,200 Bitter. Yeah. 605 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,480 But yeah, I don't know. That's just the thing I I was 606 00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:01,920 thinking about. Do you have another listener 607 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,240 question? I have one more if you don't. 608 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:07,640 Wait but I'm curious, so are you, do you go to joint parties 609 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,880 or do y'all do joint birthday parties? 610 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:16,200 So like I've said, we had my youngest stepson for the 611 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:21,240 majority of the last few years, so pretty much 100% of the time. 612 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:23,200 So I did all the birthday parties. 613 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:27,240 Now, with that being said, if by a mom, we're in town at the 614 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,760 time, she totally would have been welcome. 615 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,840 Her mom actually always comes and helps me. 616 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:36,920 So that's fun. Interesting. 617 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,120 Yeah. Yeah, it, yeah, it's fun. 618 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:44,200 She's really sweet, though, and, and she's helps me out and helps 619 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:46,760 coordinate and and all that stuff, which is nice. 620 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:48,560 And I'm not sure. I guess I'll have to keep you 621 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,720 guys tuned as birthday is coming up here in April. 622 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:54,080 So we'll see how this year goes, but I'm assuming that there's no 623 00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:55,720 reason why we wouldn't all attend. 624 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,160 And now who's going to be the planner this year? 625 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:00,880 That's up for debate. I would like to take a couple 626 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:02,640 years off from being the planner person. 627 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,280 I'm just like Alyssa said earlier in this episode, Alyssa 628 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,880 and I could not be more different in this aspect. 629 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:11,160 Like she went all out for her son's first birthday. 630 00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:15,080 I haven't even thrown my almost 4 year old birthday party and I 631 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:19,160 won't until he asked me for it. I am just not like that. 632 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:22,040 And so I'm doing birthday parties at all is just not my 633 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,280 jam. So I don't know what we'll have 634 00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:27,160 to see what happens. As far as the other two step 635 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,960 kids, we never get to spend it with them. 636 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:34,200 My stepdaughter, which is super sad, like he's never, I think 637 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,160 he's only spent one birthday with her ever. 638 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:38,800 And it was not last year, but the year before we took her to 639 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,880 Disney World for her birthday. So that was super fun. 640 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,360 But yeah, other than that, we don't. 641 00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:47,480 And then my oldest stepson that lived with us full time, he just 642 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,120 was always with us. And his mom lives in another 643 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:52,120 state so she wasn't there. So it wasn't really a thing. 644 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:56,000 Man, that's bloated. I do have one great idea for 645 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,960 this stepmom and any others maybe I already talked about it 646 00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:00,560 before. What we're going to be doing 647 00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:04,200 from going from here on out, like starting this Christmas. 648 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,720 And I think we're going to try and do this with birthdays as 649 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:08,600 well. But the years that we don't have 650 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:12,320 the kids for Christmas, we're not doing the same amount of 651 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:14,760 gifts as normal. We're just going to do a trip. 652 00:34:15,199 --> 00:34:18,080 And so they're going to be included on a trip because we do 653 00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:22,600 take a trip every year usually. But I mean, that's, that's 654 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:26,560 pretty extensive, pretty hefty. But the load plan a second 655 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:29,719 Christmas, like I can do all the parties and planning, but 656 00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:31,800 Christmas that's big, that's exhausting. 657 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:33,560 You already have like 10 Christmases with all your 658 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:36,239 families. So we're not going to, I'm 659 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:38,679 protecting myself. I'm saving the money that's in 660 00:34:38,679 --> 00:34:42,520 this ATM for another event or another function. 661 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:46,600 And we're just going to wrap up in a fun way, a trip. 662 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:51,199 So and I think you can take that into birthdays somehow of like, 663 00:34:51,679 --> 00:34:54,920 if you don't have them this year and you're, you know, just 664 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:58,120 coming to the party, maybe when they come to your house, you 665 00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:00,720 just have cake and like one big present or something. 666 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:04,520 Don't put yourself out to buy all these gifts and have this 667 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,040 enormous birthday. If you don't have that being 668 00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:10,760 said, I don't know what to do when you do have them because in 669 00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,600 my opinion I just, I can't help myself with like going 670 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,200 overboard. No, definitely. 671 00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:17,560 I think my first couple Christmases I went really 672 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:20,440 overboard, but then I, I don't know, I just started to set 673 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,520 better boundaries and I have less resentment. 674 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:26,200 I don't know, I want to get to, to this. 675 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,320 This was more of just like a statement, but I think it really 676 00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,440 wraps up today's episode really well. 677 00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:36,120 This stepmom says that feeling that you are never chosen and 678 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,600 you are never enough. And I think that that just goes 679 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,560 back to that comparison between household that we've been 680 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:46,080 talking about in this whole episode is that stepmoms really 681 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:49,480 struggle with this. And I think it's so interesting 682 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,800 how we were made stepmoms because I think it almost forces 683 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:58,240 us to reflect on some, you know, inner stuff going on. 684 00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:00,200 Why do we feel like we're never enough? 685 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,800 Why do we never feel chosen? Does that go back to, you know, 686 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:06,440 childhood and those child attachment styles that we were 687 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:09,080 talking about on previous episodes, which is something I 688 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:12,760 really want to get into. And so I think that I'm going to 689 00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:16,480 challenge myself, Alyssa, and all of you stepmoms this week to 690 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:19,360 just really think about why do you feel like that? 691 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:20,960 Where does that really stem from? 692 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:25,280 Because yes, we can all agree sitting right here, listening 693 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,880 wherever you are right now, that, you know, our step kids 694 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,920 and our partners, sometimes in the stepmom role, they make us 695 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,240 feel like we're not chosen and we're not enough. 696 00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:38,200 But where does that stem from? Because that doesn't just stem 697 00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:40,880 from them, it does go into something deeper within 698 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:42,960 ourselves. And so I think it's really 699 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:47,680 important to, you know, try to see where that comes so that we 700 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:50,640 can heal it not only in ourselves, but in our stepmom 701 00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:54,040 roles as well. Yeah, I I completely agree. 702 00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:57,640 I think my problem with that that I had to overcome is that 703 00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:02,720 my instinct is reactive. So, and that's, that's in my 704 00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:09,160 anagram, but I, I react before I speak or before I even think. 705 00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:13,720 So I would invite you all when you're triggered on anything or 706 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:17,040 you have a comparison remark in your house before reacting. 707 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:21,120 That's the only way to prevent something coming out or a 708 00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:23,040 reaction that you're going to regret later. 709 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:26,920 Just pause, take a second. They might be like, are you 710 00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:28,200 there? Are you OK? 711 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,800 Yeah, yeah, hold on. Had a brain fart, Yeah. 712 00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:34,200 And then come back to them with what? 713 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:38,160 Like, OK, let me rationalize for just a second, you know, OK, 714 00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:41,240 Now, yes, I can compartmentalize what you said. 715 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,880 I can put remember, we're like spaghetti. 716 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:47,240 The men are like waffles. They can think and process 717 00:37:47,240 --> 00:37:50,000 things differently than us. And we are just like word 718 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:52,760 vomiting initially when we hear something that's triggering, 719 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:53,680 upsetting. Yeah. 720 00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:57,040 I think everyone this week just allow good enough to be enough. 721 00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,480 Please. That's the best that I can give 722 00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,600 you. And that, you know, if you're in 723 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:04,160 the membership and you have further questions about this, 724 00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:07,040 come to us. And we are more than happy to 725 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,200 divulge more information, discuss you know how to help 726 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,680 with any of these triggers that you have with comparison issues. 727 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:16,760 Yes, definitely. We will see you all next week. 728 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:20,600 And like we said, if you're able to check out the membership, 729 00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,960 just because really cool things are happening in there, we are 730 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:26,680 able to share things that we're not able to share here on the 731 00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:30,480 podcast or on Instagram. And so if you want the real raw, 732 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:32,920 come take a look. Otherwise, we'll see you all 733 00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:34,920 next week. Thank you so much for joining us 734 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,480 today. That's it for this week on 735 00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,440 Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your 736 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:44,640 stepmom besties before you go if something we said hit a little 737 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:48,720 close to home, go ahead and hit follow now so you don't miss 738 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:52,080 future episodes and share with another stepmom to help us grow 739 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:53,720 if. You want to connect between 740 00:38:53,720 --> 00:38:55,680 episodes? Follow us on Instagram at 741 00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:58,560 Stepmom Side Chats and send us what you want us to chat about 742 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:00,400 next. Keep giving yourself grace. 743 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:01,720 You're doing better than you think. 744 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:03,240 We'll chat with you all soon.