Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom Side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca, 2.
Stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, PO parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little.
Bit of spice. Let's get into it.
Hey, good afternoon. Welcome.
Everybody, good morning to those of us on the West Coast.
I'm so sorry. Here in central Well, and we
have listeners in Australia, apparently in Germany.
I'm loving this. So goodnight to y'all.
I don't know, like they're sleeping right now, I guess.
I know Lucky. I love sleep.
That's all I think about guys. Sleep, sleep, sleep.
That's because you're a stepmom. Yeah.
So we have some nitty gritty to get down to something that has
been recurring and a lot of messages from stepmoms,
something that is coming up in the stepmom side chat membership
in our little vent space between stepmoms.
So thought that this was really necessary and appropriate right
now. So let's get into it.
I don't think you know, everyone has told us you'll you sign up
for this. You know, you got yourself into
and we've discussed that, but there's the level of no one
really explaining to us how horrible it is feeling like
you're in competition with another household.
Am I right or am I right? Like Mic drop.
That is the epitome of set mom life is it's so much work to
constantly compete and keep up with the Jones or you know, the
Johnsons, whatever bio mom's last name is.
The Johnsons, you and your one liner.
I know Alyssa has a one year old son.
So like he's still in that sleep cycle area thing.
I don't know, I'm not even making sense.
He's in that, you know, sleep stage right now where it's very
inconsistent. So let's just a little.
Tired sometimes. Never heard of keeping up with
the Joneses? I've heard of keeping up with
the Joneses, but not the Johnsons.
I'm saying whatever bio moms last name is, that's who we're
keeping up with lately. True, true.
No. I love this topic because like
Alyssa just said, a lot of people are, you know, reaching
out to us and talking about the constant pressure that they feel
to, you know, be as good as or, you know, whatever what have you
as bio mom's house. So I love that we're talking
about this today. Yes, it's the noise, the
constant pressure and it's not always right in your face in
blatant and it's not always the kid just saying, well, why don't
we do this? Because we do it at mom's house.
You it's also it can kind of show up in other ways and we're
going to get into that. Today's just a quick story.
Something I have as an example of this I wanted to share with
everyone is Once Upon a time, we deal with this quite often and I
don't think that Becca's household is the same on this
aspect because the kids are 5050 with us.
So, so the way that they have this, you know, the pickup is
the same day of the week, you know it was always Fridays and
drop off was Friday. And So what they would compare
so hard was how we did pick up at school versus mom.
And it was apparent through the school.
It wasn't like the kids complaining about this or
anything, but it became an issue because it was confusing.
And who, what house are they at? You know, So for example, they
go to school in mom's neighborhood, so they walk home
from school. But on our weeks we live so they
certainly cannot walk home. So we have to do like the pick
up through the carpool or walk up to the school to pick them
up. And it just it becomes a hassle
and it's annoying. And I can see it on the kids.
They don't complain about this, but I know that they want to
walk home because it's cool and all the other kids are and they
have to wait in the carpool line.
So this is just one of the things that bugs me and I hate
that. Like, I can't make it different
for the kids. My husband's just like, you have
to let it go. And you know why?
I said, oh, OK, I'll just, I'll just let it go.
I know, I know. It's so hard.
It's like, I don't know, I feel like as stepmoms, we take
everything so much more personally than bio dad does.
Yeah, I have kind of a similar story.
It was on Easter one year and I think I kind of touched on it in
another episode. But yeah.
So disclaimer, if you have kids in the car, maybe, you know,
Fast forward through the section because Easter Bunny drop right
here, obviously. So obviously stepmoms are the
Easter Bunny when our step kids are with us too, you know, so I
was so excited to do all these Easter baskets.
I was so tired because my son was the son that the age that
Alyssa's son is right now. So his sleep was like so
inconsistent. I was exhausted, right, as all
moms are. And so I took all this time to
make these like really cute, you know, thoughtful Easter baskets
for my step kids. And it was whatever, right?
Well, my step kids at this age, like they know who the Easter
Bunny is. They know it's me, but you know,
it's still kind of like an unsaid thing.
So whatever, you know, Fast forward to Easter morning, you
know, I put them out, I do all these things and it still boils
my blood. But they're just kids.
They don't understand, but it's just interesting anyways.
So they were like, they're like, oh, they're looking at it.
They're like these Easter baskets suck.
The ones at my mom's house are so much.
Better. What?
I went into a spiral. Everyone, like, I was so upset,
and I didn't obviously, like, say anything to them, but I said
to my husband. But that's what it reminded me
of Alyssa is because my husband's like, it's not a big
deal. Who cares?
I'm like, who cares? What do you mean?
Who cares? That's so rude.
Yeah. I'm like, that's so rude, you
know, It's so ungrateful. And I think sometimes step kids
kind of know what they're doing. I hate to say that, but I'm
sorry. I just think it's true.
That's why the difference is between being a bio mom and
being a stepmom like Alyssa and our bio kids.
They're never going to even have the opportunity to say that to
us because all they're going to know is our Easter baskets and
they're going to think they're great whether they're filled
with dollar store items or Gucci items.
And what a privilege it is to have an ours baby or to be a mom
that doesn't have step kids and can do as much or as little as
they want and it be like the greatest thing ever.
Unfortunately that is not the case for stepmoms.
So let's dig into how we deal with this and cope with this.
And in Becca's example there of how she just did whatever she
wanted for Easter and it was told to her that it wasn't
enough. I am the reverse.
Becca and I are such a yin and Yang.
We are complete opposites but calmly on each other so well.
So I am the complete opposite. I go above.
I'm extra and that's just who I am, but in the same role that
pulls out into my stepmom life where I am thinking like, I hope
they think my enough is as great as I think it is.
And so I'm worrying even though they're not saying about like
what Mom's Easter looks like or whatever.
I'm worrying and I'm like, hoping for whatever reason, I'm
wanting to be like a better Easter or them to look forward
to a holiday at my house, you know, like, why do I care?
Because I do love these kids, you know?
So yeah, I do want them to love being here, to love our house.
But at what expense? We have got to get into how
we're all going to cope with if we're not enough, assuming that
we are enough, and we'll give you a few tricks of the trade,
which it took us a long time to learn and we're still
practicing. Yeah, I was going to say we're
still learning some of those tricks of the trade.
Right, right, right. So there is that unspoken
pressure that we talked about like no one says it out loud,
but you feel it, right? So who's more fun?
Who's more loved? Who's doing it right?
In my situation, we have bio kids at home and she doesn't
have any other kids with her new spouse.
So I think a lot about this of like, oh, when my littles go to
bed because they're like babies, the kids all have to be quiet in
your house because we have like a one story.
It's like a farmhouse style. So the the noise carries through
the house and I just I hate that.
And in the mornings where they're getting ready for
school, we try and keep them quiet so they don't wake up the
baby. So I'm like, Oh my gosh, they
must hate that. Like they have to be quieter at
my house. And just another thing that
you're so. Sweet I would like not even
care. You're so sweet to even think
about that. I'm like, yeah, this is our
house and this is how it is because it's the same situation
with us too is bio moms don't have any other more kids.
You know, my husband is their only baby daddy, so but I can
relate to the quiet thing in the beginning because my stepson, he
was like, oh, I hate this. He cries in the middle of the
night and it wakes me up and I'm tired for school.
And I did feel really bad about it was like, oh, he doesn't have
to deal with that at his mom's house.
And I remember I called my mom and she was like, she's like,
we'll tell him that. That's part of being in a family
and you have to be quiet and you know, and so after that they
say. I don't care.
Not at my mom's family. Not at my mom's house.
Say we're not talking about that, buddy.
Yes, yeah, but no, I know. I understand what you're saying
though, in all. Seriousness, just so everyone
knows this is like there are so many levels to this.
It goes deeper than them saying at mom's house this and that.
But that is very valid of an ache for stepmoms of course too.
So OK, the thing I want to get into is how competition actually
shows up. Besides the gifts, it also shows
up in experience. So if there's a different level
of income between houses, there's an experience level of
like, they take trips everywhere.
Do you ever have to hear from the kids?
Like, why don't we go anywhere? And it's like, you know, they're
asking because they're always taking trips at Disneyland.
I mean, mom's house. It's rules versus freedom.
So do you discipline in your house?
Probably. Does bio mom's house discipline?
Probably not well. Sometimes, but if it just might
look different and that's what's so difficult, you know, And I
know I spoke about this a few episodes ago about how me and
bio mom have in the past, not really anymore, but we've, you
know, talked and collaborated on an appropriate punishment for my
stepson. But I think the difference is
too is like we have different parenting styles between the
households. And yes, like I've said so many
times, I love her, but I do not agree with how she disciplines
and parents all the time. And I'm sure she says the same
thing about me and that's OK. But when we're talking about
comparing for a kid, that's really, really hard to
understand and not compare between households, like, oh,
well, at my mom's house, I, you know, can't watch TV in my room
till I fall asleep. But at your house I can, you
know, And that's why I like being here better, or vice
versa, whatever you know the situation is.
Yeah, and that's exactly what I'm touching on too.
And we're trying to show, y'all is that there are so many ways
that this shows up and wears its ugly head, and it's important to
be able to identify them so that we can shut them down.
And I'll shut down those feelings when you get them.
So the moment you realize it's costing you, it starts to
replenish your, I like to call it like we're an ATM, right?
So we can give out as much as we put into ourselves.
So if we don't have time for self-care, we're pretty low on
like how much we can give to our family, our job, our spouse,
marriage, you know, cleaning our house.
So obviously there's a big self-care for stepmoms like
need. What does that look like?
How do we do that? That is something to that is
it's in a guide coming to the member.
So for our like small village of stepmoms that have that support
for each other. And the link will be here in the
podcast bio, but we can send it out too if you message us.
This is something that I have done a lot in the past and it's
what I like to retreat and I need space for myself.
So when something is irking me like a trigger like we talked
about in the past, or if a set kiddo is saying something that
is making me rethink everything I've done for back to school or
for Easter or whatever it is, I just take my time to step away.
And then I go through these processes of reminding myself
what is actually happening here, reminding.
So how do I remember that this isn't actually a competition?
So caregiver burnout we discussed also, but it is
costing you when you're over giving like this and you're
trying to keep up with the Jones, you're trying to keep up
with the step by the bio mom's house.
And so this is what we want to do to reframe your mindset.
SO2 houses equals two different teams.
The way I see this is my step kids, they go to basketball, so
they have a jersey. One week they wear the Gray
jersey, the other week it flips and they wear it red.
It's the same jersey. So they have two different
teams. They can be a home team or an
away team. All it is is 1 little jersey.
So how are we doing this in our life and separating ourselves
from by a mom's house while not completely erasing it because
it's so pertinent. And the kids that are traveling
back and forth between houses, like is there anything that they
need that's consistent for their health and Wellness?
Is there anything that they need for schooling that needs to be
consistent and not be a competition?
So if you look at it that way, where we're imagining this is
for the kids sanity, this is for the kids well-being this, then
it's not about like it's for my sanity, it's for my well-being.
It feels more like something for business.
And we take the emotion out of it.
And this helped me so much, so immensely.
But it's a mindset that you have to kind of train yourself
around. You know, the instant thing is
to think like, Oh my gosh, she's, she's competing with me.
She's hearing about what is happening at my house and she's
trying to be better. And it's so hard to just accept
that and live with that feeling every day.
So if you can remember that some of this stuff is actually maybe
not Easter baskets. But like this school.
Example, I can't have them walking home.
You know, we live 20 minutes away.
What are they going to walk for a couple hours across the
highway? And so it's in their best
interest. And if they have an issue, and
if they do ever express it to me, I'm going to be able to say,
you know, of course that doesn't work out, but here's what we can
do. And this is how I thought
through this process. We ended up finding a street
because the school is in the neighborhood.
They can walk down to this street where we're always parked
and it's closed. So they have eyes and
everything. They can walk with some of their
friends and meet us at the car. Because I could kind of think
through this on a logical level and keep the emotions out of it
and how I'm competing. We're in her neighborhood.
I let the noise stay out. And we came to a really great
solution for the facts that we're given.
Does that kind of the processes right?
That makes sense, or is that confusing?
Yeah, no, I think, I think that's really sweet of you.
I knew you were sweet. So.
Oh my gosh. No, I think that's really sweet
though, that you're, you know, you.
Saw. Where they were kind of maybe
comparing between households and so you didn't want to take that
completely away from them on y'all's week.
So you did a compromise that on address safety and made them
still feel cool with walking with their friends.
And you were able to do it easily without, you know,
overcompensating yourself or abanding yourself in any way.
So no, I think that's cool. I have a similar story with my
youngest. He has really crazy curly hair.
He is mixed. And it gets really tangly.
Same with my son. Anyhow, he uses this certain
curling cream, right? And I guess I have one that he
just doesn't like, right? So which is fine.
I used to take that so personally before.
I'd be like, you don't like my curling cream, the one at your
mom's house better. But like, you know, Melissa was
saying, like, as you like get, you know, more into your stepmom
role, you get a thicker skin, I think.
And you're just like, it's just not personal.
Like he's not trying to hurt my feelings by saying that.
Yes, maybe he could say it differently, but he is not to
that stage developmental yet where I can have that
conversation with him. So anyways, so he's like, I
don't like the curling cream. So the other day he was at his
mom's house. He said, text me a picture of
that curling cream. He's like, OK, so you did it.
When he got back to our house, it was, you know, it was on the
bath room, you know, counter. And I think that's just like
another example. See, I'm sweet too.
Look. At you, you, you are we're so.
Nice. We're not evil, stepmom.
See you guys. See.
What do you know, we're having a good week.
What do you know? So, but I think that was another
example of like, OK, I can do this little thing.
It's not like I'm going to overextend myself financially or
emotionally, mentally by doing this little thing.
But it gives him some, you know, alignment between the two
houses, This curling skin cream, it's the same at both houses.
And it makes me feel loved, right?
So it's all good. It goes back to that parallel
parenting too. We can only do what we can at
our house. But again, when it comes down to
something, Stepmoms, how are you coping with transition day?
I'll tell you how I am. I'm lighting my big ass candles
to calm my big ass anxieties and honestly it changes the whole
mood of the house. Same chaos, just calmer vibes
and way better energy. We're obsessed with big ass
candles from big ass luxuries. Yep, the ones from Shark Tank.
If you want to try one, use code stepmom at checkout for a
discount. That's code stepmom at checkout.
Big ass candles because stepmom life comes with big ass
feelings. Yeah.
And that takes us back to like, parallel parenting, you know,
and making sure we can do what we can do in our own home.
They'll do what they can do in their own home.
We have to choose consistency over competition.
But if it comes down to something as simple as like the
hair gel or whatever, we're going to do what we can just
make them happy and like our house.
But we're not trying. We're not overcompensating, not
putting ourselves out, but we have to also allow good enough
to be enough. This is where, again, we go into
the caregiver burnout and stepmom burnout.
We enough is enough. You know, think about the
mindset of if this was their only house.
Yes, they might say, well, it's different at mom's house, but at
what expense? At what point are you going to
put an end? Is it going to be like when
you're hospitalized because you went crazy?
We have to put an end to that. To them yeah and then we just
overdo it and it's it's just so interesting as stepmoms how at
least an Alyssa nice experience. We don't do that for our own
kids like I'm sorry. I tell my son like Oh well
that's what we have for dinner. Sorry.
That's what we have for snacks in the pantry right now.
But with my stepson. I don't know why if, if I hear
the comparing of even simple things of snacks and the other
households like it used to get me so like defensive and I'm
like, well, maybe I need to go get butter snacks.
But I think what's important to to really take away from this is
the more confident you are in yourself and who you are as a
stepmom, the less worried you're going to be about those little
comparison comments from your step kids.
And I'm not saying that you can't set boundaries.
You know little boundaries when they do say stuff if it is out
of line or you know too much for your own feelings.
But as you become more confident in your role and who you are as
a stepmom, I think you start to take it a little bit less
personally because it's like, OK, well, these snacks that I
buy in my house are because XY and Z and this is how we
operate. If you don't like it, then you
starve, you know, and I'm not saying obviously you really
starve, you know, sorry, but you know, then you don't eat that,
OK. And I think it just gets better
over time. I don't know what's your.
Experience with that, The snack thing is a real touchy subject
at my house. So it just I can't with that
one. So that's another thing where we
put a boundary of like with the school lunches that go back and
forth, the lunch box that went back and forth between houses.
There would be like purposefully it seems that there were notes
left there, you know from mom and snacks that were eaten the
empty containers and stuff for packages that are trash that on
my weeks they just throw it away at lunch left there.
Like I don't know why but my husband and I are having to see
what these kids are eating for lunch on those weeks.
And you know it's kind of hard if we don't agree with
everything that's in the lunch. If I and this is like the
complete opposite. But I am comparing with the
other house because I'm looking out for the kids best interest
now and I'm thinking is this good for them to be having XY
and Z in their lunch? But yeah, I cannot control the
other house. I can't and I'm certainly not
going to be able to control the kids and tell them, you know,
this isn't good to eat because if that's what they're given and
I told them that they can't eat that then but they're just not
going to have lunch. So I had to let that one go.
We ended up saying like, hey, we're going to get lunch box for
our house just so that we don't lose the lunch boxes going back
and forth between houses. So now I don't have to see the
notes. I don't have to.
We don't see what they had for lunch or didn't not, you know.
So wherever you can find your piece, you just have to get
creative, find your piece again, if you're in the membership, you
can tell us an example and we have are very creative after all
these years and we can help with these kinds of things of how can
we narrow down that extra stress, give you a little bit
more peace, put more into your ATM so you can give more to your
family. Yeah, no, absolutely.
OK. So I'm going to put it into
perspective for you guys. OK, go ahead.
OK, let me put this into perspective for you guys.
The kid says, you know, at mom's house, blah, blah, blah.
So what we do is we remember this isn't a comparison for a
child. This is information.
So what are we going to do with that information?
You know, they're not testing us.
They're not choosing sides. They are literally narrating
their world. So we here at mom's house and
our nervous system start shaking and we hear that we're losing.
No matter what they're saying, whether it's good, bad or ugly,
we feel like, oh, initially we're going to just take this
information as we lost whatever it is.
We're not as great. But what the kid actually means
is this is familiar to me. And then they narrate, you know,
Easter at their mom's house or something because it's something
they've done and it's something familiar to them.
So the best things to do at these times, get your pen and
paper. We are not going to correct
them. We are not going to defend
ourself and say, well, at our house, you know, and that's so
hard because that's the instant thing that I do.
And we're not going to explain. We're not going to explain why
ours is better. I don't know how, but you have
to get yourself to not do that. Like me not saying, well, that
lunch isn't healthy or, you know, we can't do.
That no, no, I think that's important and it also helps just
like with Co parenting in general, even if it is like a
high conflict situation. But when we take the High Road
by not having those comments become a competition, then I
feel like it neutralizes, you know, the playing ground between
households because it also sends, you know, a subconscious
message to the step kid that, OK, well, she's not going to
tell me why this house is better.
So maybe I don't need to say anything else.
It almost kind of like shuts them down in a developmentally.
Appropriate way yes, yes, and it retrains their mindset and their
process so that they know next time that they OfferUp that
information, they are kind of knowing what to expect.
And so something an example of what to say would be like, yeah,
that's how they do it there got it.
That's it No tone, no, like that's how they do it.
You know, no follow up, just that's our power move as step
moms and as an influence in these kids lives.
Well, that's how they do it there.
Cool. The other option that is to say,
you know, does that work for you because maybe sometimes it's
something that's unhealthy or if it's something you actually do
want to like infiltrate in your house, Do you like that process
or do you you know, you like that after school activity if
it's something that you want to look into doing as well?
So taking an interest where you can and then in other cases
just, you know, kind of a blame. OK, good to know.
And then you move on with the conversation, move on with your
life. Just a few more things.
I want to make sure that everyone gets today comparison.
All it does is it's going to wreck your peace.
So our stepmom power, our power move is going to be having peace
and not letting the other house or buy a mom or stepdad or
whatever it is get to us. When we show up and we are our
full confident selves and we don't feel that competition, we
feel so secure in our household and what we are producing here,
then we're winning. And that's if you're looking for
a competition, that's the competition is being so sure of
what you're producing in your house.
Just remember that kids, you know, they don't keep score the
way adults think. The way they calculate and keep
score is by experience and not experience like a travel
experience, but like a family dinner or having to help
participate with something in the house and that makes them
feel included. Safety is another one.
If they feel safe in your home, they feel like they can come to
you with information. Like my stepson literally.
And I saw another stepmom post this and I was like great, me
too. This means we're succeeding.
He came up to me and said, I want to talk to you about a girl
at school. Don't tell daddy I said OK, and
then I went and told my husband I'm going to go talk with him
about the girl at school, but this is between us.
Yeah, butt out. Like, I'm winning right now.
He's confiding in me. He feels safe and that's all
that matters. If he doesn't get a trip to
Disney World this year, so be it.
He feels safe and that's really all I care about.
Another one that's like. The same.
Yeah, no. And I just side note, that's the
thing I also like, you know, there's there's not a huge
laundry list of things, but one that is something that I love
about being a stepmom is like little moments like that because
it's like we're not the mom, we're not the dad.
And it's like we're like the fun aunt that they can like tell
little. That's true and like.
Yeah, I think that's so cute that that happened, but yeah,
keep going. Yeah, these are our nieces and
nephews staying at our house way too long, overstaying their
welcome, and we're the fun aunt. So yeah, it does.
Because I have been told by multiple sources and I do agree
with this, that we should not discipline unless we've built a
big strong bond with connection, safety and trust.
But if we're not disciplining and that's up to bio dad, that's
a win for us, right? That's we're fun.
So the last two things that the way that the kids keep score is
by connection and familiarity. So some stepmoms kind of have an
issue with familiarity just because they feel like, well, we
don't have the kids as often at our house and they're at bio
moms more. So how to attain that
familiarity is keep in contact when you're not together.
If that kiddo has a phone, if that kiddo has sports that you
are allowed to attend, be there and be present as much as you
can. And just to build that bond with
that connection with the step kid and not to compete because
we just want them to feel comfortable and feel safe, you
know, feel accepted at our house.
And I think that is like success as a stepmom.
That's the best way to put it. So let's see, do you want to get
to some stepmom? Question.
Yes, yes, I do have a couple that kind of go along with what
we're talking about today. OK, so this listener says or
asks how do you deal with competition between households
when it comes to birthdays and holidays?
So such a loaded question. Such a loaded question.
So we can kind of we can go a little bit deep into this.
I think we have time. So first, do you guys do joint
birthday parties? No.
Are you kidding? You know our situation.
That would never, ever. Have you ever.
No, and I think it's probably in the divorce decree that like we
can't. No, I'm just kidding.
It's not that bad. But like no, just a hard no, no,
no, no, no, no, literally something that isn't a divorce
decree that they shared the birthday.
So whatever day the birthday lands on whoever, whatever
parent they're with that day, they get a set amount of time in
a certain amount of hours with the other parent.
And to be honest, I don't completely love it or agree with
it. And this was something that, you
know, would look into changing next time we go to court
remediation, God forbid. But I think it really wrecks the
kids. You know, that's a big shift.
We talked about transition day and then coming to our house or
going over to mom's house for just a couple hours and coming
back to that house again. It's like a tease.
It's like a mental mind. You know what, Like, I don't
think it's healthy. I understand that my mom would
want to see her kids on their birthday.
Yeah, yeah. Definitely.
But at what cost This is, I could imagine the kids growing
up and needing therapy because their birthdays were always, you
know, mentally taxiing and maybe they hate birthdays.
I just that's something that we have discussed changing.
Yeah, I know. And I think to answer the
listener question as far as because I, I have seen
definitely competition as far as like birthday gifts go and you
know, things that one household is financially able to gift
versus another family. And I think it's just really
important that in both households as much as you can
obviously try to use like similar language as you know,
like this is what we're able to give.
And you know, just because XY and Z doesn't mean that we can't
still have fun on your birthday. And like Alyssa was saying
earlier, I would just really focus on the experience and that
quality time that you spend with your step kids on that birthday
and make that something that they remember.
Because I know for me at least, I'm really trying to think back.
I don't know about you, Alyssa, but I can't really think like of
one birthday gift I got as a child.
I can think of memories that I had with my parents, you know,
once with just my mom or once, but just my dad.
But I, I never went my, my dad got me a car, you know, which
didn't happen, you know, but just saying like.
I'm not bitter or anything. Yeah, yeah.
Bitter. Yeah.
But yeah, I don't know. That's just the thing I I was
thinking about. Do you have another listener
question? I have one more if you don't.
Wait but I'm curious, so are you, do you go to joint parties
or do y'all do joint birthday parties?
So like I've said, we had my youngest stepson for the
majority of the last few years, so pretty much 100% of the time.
So I did all the birthday parties.
Now, with that being said, if by a mom, we're in town at the
time, she totally would have been welcome.
Her mom actually always comes and helps me.
So that's fun. Interesting.
Yeah. Yeah, it, yeah, it's fun.
She's really sweet, though, and, and she's helps me out and helps
coordinate and and all that stuff, which is nice.
And I'm not sure. I guess I'll have to keep you
guys tuned as birthday is coming up here in April.
So we'll see how this year goes, but I'm assuming that there's no
reason why we wouldn't all attend.
And now who's going to be the planner this year?
That's up for debate. I would like to take a couple
years off from being the planner person.
I'm just like Alyssa said earlier in this episode, Alyssa
and I could not be more different in this aspect.
Like she went all out for her son's first birthday.
I haven't even thrown my almost 4 year old birthday party and I
won't until he asked me for it. I am just not like that.
And so I'm doing birthday parties at all is just not my
jam. So I don't know what we'll have
to see what happens. As far as the other two step
kids, we never get to spend it with them.
My stepdaughter, which is super sad, like he's never, I think
he's only spent one birthday with her ever.
And it was not last year, but the year before we took her to
Disney World for her birthday. So that was super fun.
But yeah, other than that, we don't.
And then my oldest stepson that lived with us full time, he just
was always with us. And his mom lives in another
state so she wasn't there. So it wasn't really a thing.
Man, that's bloated. I do have one great idea for
this stepmom and any others maybe I already talked about it
before. What we're going to be doing
from going from here on out, like starting this Christmas.
And I think we're going to try and do this with birthdays as
well. But the years that we don't have
the kids for Christmas, we're not doing the same amount of
gifts as normal. We're just going to do a trip.
And so they're going to be included on a trip because we do
take a trip every year usually. But I mean, that's, that's
pretty extensive, pretty hefty. But the load plan a second
Christmas, like I can do all the parties and planning, but
Christmas that's big, that's exhausting.
You already have like 10 Christmases with all your
families. So we're not going to, I'm
protecting myself. I'm saving the money that's in
this ATM for another event or another function.
And we're just going to wrap up in a fun way, a trip.
So and I think you can take that into birthdays somehow of like,
if you don't have them this year and you're, you know, just
coming to the party, maybe when they come to your house, you
just have cake and like one big present or something.
Don't put yourself out to buy all these gifts and have this
enormous birthday. If you don't have that being
said, I don't know what to do when you do have them because in
my opinion I just, I can't help myself with like going
overboard. No, definitely.
I think my first couple Christmases I went really
overboard, but then I, I don't know, I just started to set
better boundaries and I have less resentment.
I don't know, I want to get to, to this.
This was more of just like a statement, but I think it really
wraps up today's episode really well.
This stepmom says that feeling that you are never chosen and
you are never enough. And I think that that just goes
back to that comparison between household that we've been
talking about in this whole episode is that stepmoms really
struggle with this. And I think it's so interesting
how we were made stepmoms because I think it almost forces
us to reflect on some, you know, inner stuff going on.
Why do we feel like we're never enough?
Why do we never feel chosen? Does that go back to, you know,
childhood and those child attachment styles that we were
talking about on previous episodes, which is something I
really want to get into. And so I think that I'm going to
challenge myself, Alyssa, and all of you stepmoms this week to
just really think about why do you feel like that?
Where does that really stem from?
Because yes, we can all agree sitting right here, listening
wherever you are right now, that, you know, our step kids
and our partners, sometimes in the stepmom role, they make us
feel like we're not chosen and we're not enough.
But where does that stem from? Because that doesn't just stem
from them, it does go into something deeper within
ourselves. And so I think it's really
important to, you know, try to see where that comes so that we
can heal it not only in ourselves, but in our stepmom
roles as well. Yeah, I I completely agree.
I think my problem with that that I had to overcome is that
my instinct is reactive. So, and that's, that's in my
anagram, but I, I react before I speak or before I even think.
So I would invite you all when you're triggered on anything or
you have a comparison remark in your house before reacting.
That's the only way to prevent something coming out or a
reaction that you're going to regret later.
Just pause, take a second. They might be like, are you
there? Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah, hold on. Had a brain fart, Yeah.
And then come back to them with what?
Like, OK, let me rationalize for just a second, you know, OK,
Now, yes, I can compartmentalize what you said.
I can put remember, we're like spaghetti.
The men are like waffles. They can think and process
things differently than us. And we are just like word
vomiting initially when we hear something that's triggering,
upsetting. Yeah.
I think everyone this week just allow good enough to be enough.
Please. That's the best that I can give
you. And that, you know, if you're in
the membership and you have further questions about this,
come to us. And we are more than happy to
divulge more information, discuss you know how to help
with any of these triggers that you have with comparison issues.
Yes, definitely. We will see you all next week.
And like we said, if you're able to check out the membership,
just because really cool things are happening in there, we are
able to share things that we're not able to share here on the
podcast or on Instagram. And so if you want the real raw,
come take a look. Otherwise, we'll see you all
next week. Thank you so much for joining us
today. That's it for this week on
Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your
stepmom besties before you go if something we said hit a little
close to home, go ahead and hit follow now so you don't miss
future episodes and share with another stepmom to help us grow
if. You want to connect between
episodes? Follow us on Instagram at
Stepmom Side Chats and send us what you want us to chat about
next. Keep giving yourself grace.
You're doing better than you think.
We'll chat with you all soon.