Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom.
Side chats we are your. Hosts Alyssa and Rebecca 2.
Stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk. Boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing and the stuff. Nobody.
Says out loud. If you're ready for real talk,
real growth. And a little bit of.
Spice. Let's get into it.
Hello, hello, welcome. Back to another episode of
Stepmom Side Chats. I hope y'all are having a good
Tuesday. Tuesday.
It is Tuesday, or should be. We're currently very much on
like 3 day weekend mode cuz while we're recording this is
Labor Memorial Day weekend, this will come out regular.
So we're kind of out of. It I feel like.
I'm not myself today. Really.
Yeah. I'm like, I don't know, it's
really hot in Las. Vegas.
So I just feel like I get super. Tired when I go outside.
Because I'm just like, exhausted.
From the heat, I don't know. If it's like that for you guys,
but it like. Just makes me so.
Tired. It takes like.
All my energy out of me. Yeah, it just sucks me right out
of you. Yeah, yeah.
And how long? No, I, it's actually not any of
my Texans out there. It is actually not hot right
now. It's like we're having these
really huge storms every night. You know, I'm texting some
nights, like, yeah. Hail.
There's hail. You wake up, it's gonna wake up
my. Baby.
So yeah, it's. It's been bad though but.
I mean, at least it's not super super hot.
So anyways. You have your kids.
For Memorial Day, right? You have we get my no, we get my
stepson. Back today, but he has.
Sports all weekend so we have tournament stuff I know all of
you sports moms can you know empathize with me so it's.
Going to be crazy. But no, then we starting not
next week, the week. After we will have everyone so
good content guys. Good content.
Well, Becca's going on, Becca's going on vacay, so she's going
to be Mia and you guys are all stuck.
With just little Alyssa, no. It's going to be great.
So today we wanted.
To talk about a topic. That we think is super
important, and that's about when you're a stepmom at first, at
least in our experience. And Alyssa, correct me if I'm
wrong, you think that like stepmotherhood is just going to
be, you know, the same. It's all going to be rainbow and
butterflies, just how when you first start.
But what we've really learned is that stepmotherhood is not
static. There are.
Seasons in, being a stepmom when stepping.
Back it protects your peace. It protects your marriage, your
nervous system, and there are times when.
It's appropriate to step back. And then there's other times and
seasons when stepping up, it just becomes necessary for the
whole family dynamic. For support for survival.
All of these things, the challenge that we have found and
I'm sure. A lot of y'all.
Have found as well is just learning the difference without
losing yourself in the process and then becoming resentful.
Yeah, I absolutely have that issue.
In my own household and we've definitely dealt with that
through the. Years like it's just.
And it's sometimes it ebbs and flows, you know, it comes and
goes. How severe it is?
And how we handle it, it also kind of depends on the season
that we're in. Just because, like you were.
Saying, you know, sometimes stepping up is necessary, but
sometimes, like during the. School year I actually this past
school year. Didn't have to.
Step up. I was able to take a step.
Back and, you know, take care of myself and my household and our
kids. So yeah, I think one of the
hardest lessons in stepmotherhood is realizing
that, you know, you cannot fight every battle, especially.
The. Ones that were designed to.
Pull you into the chaos. I think a lot of.
US. Do assume that position of OK,
I'm going to come in, I'm going to fix this mess, but this was
not your mess. And it's like my favorite
saying, not my circus, not my monkeys.
I will. Address it at like whatever.
One issues that I can handle but we are not responsible for
dealing with, you know, the drama that comes with a.
Divorce or? You know, taking care of.
Little people, we. Just need to love on them
sometimes, but being a healthy stepmom means, you know,
stepping in other times, stepping all the way back so.
Yeah, no, definitely. And I think.
That a lot of us. Stepmoms, including myself and
Alyssa. I know that.
We're big people pleasers. Like sometimes we come off like
we're not, you know, our content on IG definitely and some people
pleasing. However, in our actual.
For the right. Person it is.
Yes, definitely and but definitely like to our.
Core, both of us. I think we're people pleasers
and so I think in the beginning of our stepmom journey, we just
were trying to constantly. Prove we care by.
Going to every sports practice, you know, attending all parent
teacher. Conferences, etcetera, etcetera,
etcetera. And sometimes just the
healthiest thing that you can do.
Is just stop. Emotionally entering every
conflict? Easier said than done, but.
Hopefully. Today, after this episode, you
feel a little peace. And maybe you know some
solutions you can take back with you, OK.
All right, so Alyssa, for you. How?
Do you navigate when you're? Protective over your.
Partner, when conflict happens between your house and the other
house, how do you navigate that? Because I know for me it's been
really hard, so I'm interested. To hear like how?
You navigate that. I know and.
It's hard because I feel protective over.
Him I feel even protective, like when the kids come and when they
manipulate him and he falls. Into the traps because he's.
Dad and he cares and he loves them, but I feel.
Really protective over. Protecting his peace, protecting
his sanity. And I just because I've seen him
fall into the the cycle the same, you know, rotation of
drama and like the kids are going to manipulate or they're
going to work the system. And then of course, we're going
to treat them still like kids. There's only so much you can do
right? And my husband's going to love
them no matter. What like that is?
A given, but then I'm like. You got to protect yourself.
You know, they're just saying things.
You don't have to believe everything they're saying.
It's probably maybe it's coming from mom or something, but I
don't know. I again, I've gotten to the
point where I step back and I think you aren't you at.
That spot too, because after. So many.
Years of doing it, we feel like it's.
Time to let them kind of take care of themselves.
Yeah, I am definitely different now than I used to be for sure.
I think that I always just wanted to protect my husband.
Like if you know one of the kids said something or when a bio mom
said something I. Always thought like I would get
so. Fired up and get myself.
So like worked up over. It, you know, I'm like, well,
that is not the kind of dad he is or that is not how this is
going down. And I would want to defend
myself and my husband and the situation by over explaining.
And sometimes I think over explaining really gets us in
trouble, you know, because it's like we're trying to prove
something and we don't need to, you know?
Oh yeah. I think that that's a.
Female. Characteristic, though, it's
like a. That's a women's thing because I
see that a lot in bio moms. Everywhere there's.
That's why they're. Sending so many texts they're
like over explaining because I've heard of mansplaining.
Have you heard of that? What's where they they don't
explain very well. Mansplaining is like if we are
saying like. Or they're like very specific.
We're like, we're going to target, where is the closest
target. And a man is like, you're going
to go north on 35 and then you'll be there.
I'm like, what's north? What?
Just tell me which. Starbucks.
I got to pass and then I'll be like 10-4.
And so anyways, that was. Completely divergent.
Women, it's so true. I see that.
Happen all the time and so that's another thing where I
feel protective actually of my husband is because she'll send
texts that are kind of lengthy, but because she's a woman and I
think that she's like feeling all the emotions like women are
like spaghetti again. We're thinking about a million
things about why a million things affect this one issue,
and then he comes back with like.
Just a few words. They're not that strong.
He's just like, oh, OK, I'll work on that or whatever.
And it's like, no, you got to stand up for yourself.
You got to say something back, defend yourself, you know, And
I'm sure if I text and it's a long 1 and so she can tell it's
me, but I think. There's so many different ways.
To feel protective of your partner, you take it that way.
And I was taking it as like him protecting his heart when the
kids come over, you know, in the way.
That he gets pulled. Into that.
Yeah, definitely. I think, I don't know, there's
so many different, I think perspectives when it comes to
this. But I think the hardest thing
for me is when the kids maybe. Have parroted something that
they've heard at the other household.
And I just want to jump in and defend him.
And it's like, he's a big boy. He can do it himself.
Like, I don't need to, you know, prove anything or like, I'm like
411 guys. So I'm really.
Short, so it's like. My husband's like. 4/11.
Yes, I. Am.
I Don't think so. You.
Are I am. I am.
I'll show you next time we meet. But yeah, or five foot.
I thought, I thought. I never felt like a giant next
to you, and I know I always you're.
Kind of short, too stupid. I get well I'm 5.
Foot, but I did too. Yeah, but.
You're kind of short too. Anywho, yeah, no, I think like
monitoring text messages, you know, things like that,
especially in the beginning of stepmotherhood.
You're like, well, what does she say?
What is it? Now I'm like, I don't even care.
Like I'm like, can I? Exit the group chat actually.
Right. Yeah, 100% but.
Also, we just don't. Have room for it anymore.
It's another season thing that kids get older.
There are more sports, there's more issues at school or there's
bigger issues and so we just don't.
Have time for that and I think that some of that comes
naturally that we just kind of fade out of that even that.
Ability. So Becca is what's what's your
degree exactly? You're a doctorate.
You have a doctorate. You're a doctor.
Explain. To everyone what you are because
I want to get into the nervous system and I know that you know
a lot about the nervous system. Yes, in some capacity, yes.
No, my doctorate is an education, but primarily special
education. So like a lot of my background
is behavior. So.
Learning and understanding why people.
Behave that the way that they. Do and there's always like a
function attached to the behavior and behavior is really
just communication. So that's primarily like where
my expertise lies in and a lot of my research is surrounded in
why students and kids and adults react to certain things because
of like the emotional trauma or physical trauma that they've
injured throughout their lives. So a lot of high conflict.
Situations escalate because too many people are emotionally
participating in the conflict cycle.
And that's kind of also what I was talking about.
That same cycle that happens and this is something that maybe
starts when the kids come and it builds up.
All the kids are here and then it amplifies once something
happens. They say my mom does it this way
or maybe bio mom sends a text and each household is seeing
this this conflict cycle and then the kids leave and so
there's a new. Heightened part of it.
And you know, the, the sadness around it and everything.
So talk to me about the the emotional.
Labor of it all. So yeah, I.
Think that as stepmoms and women like you were saying earlier.
It's like we just. Like, want to take on so much
and we like want to have a say and we want to know what's going
on, right? So we become emotionally
invested and we start participating in this complex.
Conflict cycle that you were. Just talking about so you know,
I don't know if you are going to be so impressed when I say this.
So you know that saying and it's like there's too many cooks in
the kitchen. Like, I think that's what
happened. You're like of.
Course saying. I think my mom told me this one.
But yeah, so. I feel like when it comes to
these high conflict situation, there's like too many cooks in
the kitchen, like there's too many things going on and then
you know. Behaviors always.
Have a consequence to them, whether that's a negative
consequence or a positive consequence.
So in behavior, what we call it in higher education, it's called
the ABC model. So there's an antecedent, a
behavior, and a consequence. And and that's just.
How it works? So antecedent is what happens.
Right before the behavior so. For example, maybe there's a
social media post, maybe bio mom put a social media post out
there. OK, we see it, stepmom sees it,
maybe dad sees it and that's that's the antecedent.
What happens? Right before the behavior
occurs. Now the behavior is usually from
bio dad or even step. Mom or?
Whomever. And we start doing, you know,
angry text messages. We're.
Texting or texting or texting? We're like, so angry.
Well. The consequence of that is
there's an immediate emotional reaction from the other.
Side so they're writing, right? Back and we start engaging in
this huge conflict cycle right everyone in the house is
emotionally engaging in some capacity whether.
Stepmom is directly texting or she's helping her her
significant other. Text as well about the.
Social media post right this is just an example well, there's.
Always what we call a. Function of the behavior.
What is the payoff of what? Happened.
What is the consequence? Is OK.
Everyone's emotionally engaging. There's, you know, all these.
Emotional reactions happening. But what was the payoff to the
behavior they get? Attention, but there.
Are 4. Functions of behavior.
There is a. Sensory, which is something
more? Related to children who have
autism and are on the autism spectrum and then there's escape
wanting to. Avoid the conflict and
completely. Get out of it.
And then there's attention, and then access.
To a tangible. But attention is the one that we
see. Most in step families because.
People want attention, right? We always want attention that
can be negative attention so we can be reinforcing behaviors
constantly if we keep engaging and re entering this conflict
cycle with bio mom or whomever, even the stepchild.
If the stepchild's like. Oh, you know what Mom said That
you don't love me and you made a new family, which is
heartbreaking, right? We're not saying it's not
heartbreaking, but let's say they keep saying that every time
they come over or. Oh, you had?
Kids with a new woman. So those kids are more
important. But they say it every time.
And then dad's like, oh, and he gives so much attention to this
behavior. They're getting attention no
matter what. And So what they've learned is,
oh, I come over to Dad. 'S house, I say how horrible
this is. I pair.
It with my mom I get attention and everyone feels bad for me in
the household. Bio mom learns OK I make the
social media post my ex-husband he texts me all angry I'm
getting attention from him. My behavior is working and it's
just so interesting. It's like causing response,
right? Isn't that how it's called?
Yeah, yeah, there's. Something that an action that
you do or an action that's done and then there's a response for
and you're usually looking for this sponsor trying to trigger
this response. Yeah, and then behavior science,
what we. Call.
It is like. If a behavior keeps happening,
we're always trying to look at what is reinforcing that
behavior. Right, So what is?
You know, happening in this situation or in this behavior
cycle that makes that person want to keep engaging in the
behavior. So for example, to like break it
down into really simple terms, if my son is crying because he
wants a fruit roll up, that's been his new favorite snack
lately and I'm like. If you eat your real Food First.
Then you can have a. Fruit roll up well.
His behavior is maybe he cries, no, I want it Now let's say I
give in and I give him the fruit roll up what he has just
learned. Is that his behavior of?
Crying works and that I. Should that he should keep.
Doing that because I'm always going to give in and I'm always
going to give him the fruit roll up I.
Think this is really applicable. And Co parenting relationships
because they see oh bio dad and stepmom they get mad if I make
like a little snarky post on social media.
So guess what? I'm going to keep doing it
because they're giving me attention and people.
Subconsciously. Do this as well they.
No one, I don't think is like, oh, they're going to text me.
I'm going to get all this attention.
No, they. Thrive off the chaos.
And they thrive off the negativity.
And isn't it just like any attention?
They don't care. Any attention is good attention.
I've seen that too with step kids.
I hear from all of our other stepmoms that they say that.
Their best kid. Is going to the principal's
office more and they're not upset about it like the kiddo
isn't. And I'm like, wow, they're
looking for attention, so they're getting both mom and dad
in the same room for the first time.
Or they're. Getting attention where it's
easier to get attention. Like they get in the classroom,
they get the teachers attention, they get the principal
attention, then they got both the parents.
Again. So yeah, I think.
There's a lot. To be said about that.
How can we reframe our thinking? Process like as.
Stepmoms in that manner in this whole kind of situation.
So when we're de. Escalating that interrupts the
reinforcement patterns. So in Co parenting, what this
looks like more or you know with high conflict situations is that
you know, instead of emotionally reacting and sending that text.
Maybe we just actually. Don't silence is a a response,
you know, no response is a response.
Sometimes I am not going to feed into you, you know, angry,
texting me or posting something on social media.
I am going to. Wait.
And engage when I'm ready. And always respond briefly,
staying neutral, really short. Words like you always talk about
like those. Business you know transactions
and treating that Co parenting. Relationship as such because
people. Get off on the fact that you get
mad and that you react so emotionally they don't like.
When you're just. Yeah, They don't like when, you
know, you just respond like neutrally and say, OK, thank you
for letting me know. Like they don't, They don't like
that. So it's like you can't always.
Necessarily stop the other party.
Is, you know, behavior, but you can, you know.
Stop. Accidentally reinforcing that
cycle that continues because the other party eventually will
realize I'm not getting what I want so I'm going to stop now
with that being said. Behavior always gets worse
before it gets. Better, and we kind of talk
about this when we're setting boundaries as well.
When you set a boundary with someone by maybe not responding
or, you know, responding briefly and in a neutral tone, then
they're going to get mad because they're like, oh.
What the heck? Why isn't he getting so mad?
Why isn't stepmom crying on social media?
Or why are all these things happening?
So they're going to up the ante and they're going to make their
behavior so much more intense because they're trying to get
that pay off again of the attention, whether it's negative
or positive. Yeah, I think too that something
that's really important for stepmoms to do is to.
Be able to. Like emotionally regulate
themselves in the in the midst of all this because some of it
is just noise. And that's another conversation
I've had with one of our members of how are we dysregulating?
You know, no, wait, how are we disengaging?
Sorry, how are we disengaging? Because you have to pick your
battles first. You have to know what is.
Really a threat and what's? Really important and needs
urgent attention and. What is just a threat?
And not a legitimate threat. What is something that you know?
There is a. Sense of urgency to, but maybe
it's not actually urgent. So something in regards.
To the kids or. Bio mom, you know.
We hear a lot of. Stepmoms are getting threats.
Or their. Household is so maybe to their
by a mom. If you don't do this, then this
is what's going to happen and maybe it's like court.
Threats or like calling CPS? Or something as minor as like
just saying this is. What you're supposed to do,
whether they have a court. Document or not?
Like a legalized custody detailed schedule or whatever.
They have a way. Of making the other household
stepmom's household feel scared and threatened.
And so being able to emotionally regulate and not let them access
your nervous system, you can kind of like compartmentalize
where everything needs to go. Like in my head I have a.
Space for. The bullshit from bio mom,
right? But then I have a space for
like. This is what's in our court
decree, and this is what's most important.
And so if she brings up something here, I will look into
this and make sure we're doing this correct.
But yeah, not every conflict deserves access to your nervous
system. We just have to.
Be able to. Block that out and it's just
simple as not letting them win. Yeah, no, because it's.
Like when, like, you know, letting them win, then they're
just going to keep doing it. And when you stop showing them a
reaction, they're going to eventually back off now.
The hard part with this is. It really just takes time and it
depends on the person. But there's another.
De escalation strategy and we use this a lot with students.
Or. With kids with significant
behaviors. And that's the Gray rock.
Theory. I'm not sure.
If you've heard of it, have you heard of it?
Wait, I have. I don't know what it is though,
but it sounds very familiar or I've heard.
About it, but you know. When we were in college, I was
taking extra psychology. Yeah.
So maybe from then, but. That was years ago.
My psychology class when we were at the same college was so.
Hard by the way side. Note but.
Anyways, the the Gray rock. Method.
Is it's a de escalation strategy?
And it's where you become intentionally emotionally
neutral, unreactive, and uninteresting during
interactions with high conflict people.
So the goal. Is not to be rude.
Or be passive aggressive necessarily.
Which is really hard for me because I.
Just think I'm so funny. But the goal is to stop feeding
that emotional intensity. And that's what we are just kind
of talking about is you're not letting the other party win by
them seeing that you're squirming.
You don't want them to see that you're getting upset by this and
what they're doing. So you're trying to think calm,
brief, you know, low emotion. Like a grey rock, it's.
Present, but it's not emotionally reactive, right?
So you know a lot of these high conflict interactions.
Wait a minute. Go ahead.
It's called a wet blanket. Wait, what?
Haven't you ever heard of? Someone being a wet blanket.
No. What's that?
It's. The exact same thing, but maybe
it's. Like the non educational form of
like a grey. Rock it's.
Called a wet blanket. That's another saying that maybe
you haven't heard about it because you're not into saying
like me. But.
When someone is like dull, kind of lackluster when they are
like. Useless.
And that's what we want to. Be to buy a mom.
Like we want our. Household our spouses to be a
web. Blanket so that she doesn't find
joy in coming to you. OK, Yeah.
No, no, it's true. And that and I.
Think like what it looks. Like in real life, for example
is like you know, maybe bio mom texts you like no, you know.
Blah blah blah this. Is unfair and they're talking
about pick up times. The Gray rock they would just
say pick up is still at 5:00. PM sent.
That's all. Be a great rock.
Be neutral. Just be to the point.
Do not emotionally engage instead of writing maybe A5
paragraph text message. Like I like to do.
Just. Put yourself Don't explain why
you did something. Don't explain your plans.
In the future, just the facts. That's way back.
To one of our beginning. Episodes stick to the facts.
It's a business e-mail. Would you e-mail your boss and
explain to them why you're taking a few days off?
Like why? You chose to go to.
Florida. No, like Florida was your
choice. Whatever.
You know you're not. You're just.
Going to say I need these days off period.
Definitely, and then as. Far as.
We were talking about in the beginning.
Of the episode, there's seasons. Where over involvement versus
selective involvement is healthier depending on where
you're at. So I know for Alyssa and I, this
is like kind of look different. When do you think you've been
like over involved? Well.
Early on, I think most. Of us all.
Are over involved early on but then also.
Our SO our schedule. With the kids comes and.
Goes of like. How long we have them?
So for example, coming up we're going to have them for two weeks
and I think I'm already becoming over involved.
Like I'm planning way too much. I'm taking off so much PTO to be
the nanny and be like I. It's wearing me thin and we
haven't gotten them yet for two weeks.
So but we're used. To only having them five days
right now. So the two weeks.
Coming up, you know, I feel a sense of like, let's entertain
everyone and. It is really.
It's hard mentally, it's hard physically, it's draining, it's
exhausting and there's. Got to be a way out, right?
There's got to be something to do, and I know that I know
better because I preach on this. Early on, you and I both said we
were doing all the things, all the pumpkin patches, all the
Christmas. Shows or whatever.
And now we're just taking a step back for our mental sanity.
But it's just. Sometimes it pops its ugly.
Head like things have changed, our custody schedule has changed
and now we don't have them as much.
So when we have this big break for the summer, I'm like, let's
plan a big trip. Let's plan all these breaks,
let's plan PTO. And then I'm just going to be,
I'm going to. Be a grey rock after.
I'm going to. Be a wet blanket.
Wet blankets and grey. Rocks everywhere, guys.
That's that's an important point, though, because it.
Just because you're like, oh. I've been a stepmom for.
Five years. Or in five to seven years
research. Says OK, well, we're still.
Human. You know, like things are. 100%.
You know, like it still happens, like Alyssa and I are still
dealing with it years later. And I think for me, I sometimes
was over involved in my oldest stepson's college journey.
So I would like check. You guys are all going to be
like what I would like to check. I would check his grades.
Guys, no one asked me to. I would check his grades.
I would check when the dorm is closing when he needed to come
home, but the problem with that is when you're over functioning
that really leads to resentment and I started becoming really
resentful. Stepmoms, how are you coping
with transition? Day.
I'll tell you how. I am, I'm lighting my big ass
candles to calm my big ass anxieties and honestly it
changes the whole mood of the house.
Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy.
We're obsessed with. Big ass candles from big.
Ass luxuries? Yep.
The ones from Shark Tank, if you want to try one, use code
stepmom at checkout for a discount.
That's code stepmom at checkout. Big ass candles because stepmom
life comes with big ass. Feelings.
That's a red flag. Towards your mental health, your
physical health, your marriage. Yeah.
And once I started like stepping back from that and.
Let like the bio. Parents, my spouse and.
The other party start carrying. Their own responsibilities.
I felt so much weight lifted off of me and so much less
resentment towards everyone involved in that situation.
So at. First, I think for like over
involved and over functioning stepmoms this.
Can feel like really scary because you're like, well.
If if I don't do it, no one will.
I promise you, someone will. Someone will.
There's something to be said to you about not having something
planned all the time. When and then kids learn to fill
that time, they have to learn how to be bored, learn to
problem solve. I'm bored, what am I going to
do? And this is something that
stepchildren deal with the most. It's.
Such an unfortunate issue. To grow up with but they.
Just do and it's OK. What do I do now?
I finished my craft that you gave me.
Now what do I do? I finished my lunch, what should
I do? Like if you can't.
Figure it out. Then we're just going to sell
all these toys. I don't know how many times I
say that in my house because it's like, Oh my gosh, look
outside. There's a giant trampoline.
Look at this playroom loaded with toys.
I have a whole art. Cabinet, If you can't find
something to do, then we're going to get rid of it.
But it is kind of guiding them too, because, sure, maybe at
mom's house they're always given a screen to look at.
Or they're always put in. Front of video games and then
they can do that for hours on end.
Or yeah, so it's really. Guiding them, training them a
little bit like. First you have.
To find something to. Play with before.
Coming to me and asking what to do.
And then it trains them. OK, I can.
I know what to do. I'm going to go.
Look for a toy, but there's just ways that we can help the.
Kids too, when maybe the other house is not helping them and
they're depleting them of these normal.
Capabilities that kids have. Because think about when they
grow up, what do they have you dealing with then?
Like they're always. Nothing's going to be good
enough. They're always going to want
more, which may be in a. Workforce.
You know, that's a good thing, but in other situations like
that's not great in relationships.
If it's not enough. They always want more, they
always think there's something better.
So that's just kind of my spiel as my Ted Talk on finding a way.
To help the kids, but also. Helping them help themselves.
Yeah, no. And you're trying to, you know,
help them become productive members of society.
And one of those ways is learning that life is boring
sometimes and you're not going to have a constant camp
counselor there. So, and I think that's
important. What you said, it's like, OK,
you're stepping back maybe as a stepmom by not planning every
single thing that they're doing during the day, but that doesn't
mean you, you don't. Care clearly, because you have a
whole art. Cabinet, that doesn't mean
you're punishing them or you're emotionally shutting down.
It's meaning that you're pushing them and encouraging them.
To have creative outlets. That they think of and
brainstorm by themselves and. It also helps you be it's.
Sustainable for you. It's not like, oh, I need to be,
you know, doing something every single day.
Nope. This part of me being
selectively involved means that I have some emotional boundaries
that I'm studying. I'm doing some things for myself
too. Yeah, and the kids are only as
healthy. As the household so if you're.
Wearing yourself thin and you're mentally worn out and your
husband's worn out. You're carrying the load.
Then what's that look like? For the kids, right, But also.
Tell me why. Kids these days is it?
Just mine, but tell me. Why they are all like.
If I tell them to go to their room and just read for like 30
minutes or read for an hour before bed or whatever, they
think it's a punishment. They're grounded just because.
I'm like. And it's not like their room is
far away. OK, I have like a farmhouse so
their room is right off the living room.
But. Yeah.
I'm right here. I'm not sending you off to Never
Neverland. Just go read.
I want them to be intellectual and learn how to be quiet in
their thoughts and like no. Do you?
Read with your. 4 year old every
night. She's almost 4, right?
Yeah. Yeah, Oh yeah, we read.
Every night and. I do have the boys read to her.
So there's also. I think some seasons that we
need to talk. About where it is appropriate.
For stepmoms to step up naturally because.
Research is clear that. Stepmoms are actually important
guys, and they can become incredibly one of the most
important stabilizing adult figures for step.
Kids. So there's.
Times when it's appropriate to step up instead of step back.
And I want to hear times in your stepmom journey where you feel
like you. Have had to step.
Up more. Obviously with major household
transitions, like we've had an arse baby or two and that's a
big. Shift that the kids feel.
And we see them feel it. So being a little more present
in those moments. Making sure my husband had
one-on-one time with those kiddos while I was home with the
baby. More than normal so.
And that was my way of stepping up too.
Is like. He and I would take them out
one-on-one. So they get the.
Quality time, but then another time is.
Like when? Whenever they're struggling
emotionally with something, what we do in our household to manage
that is different based on each kid.
So I've known. I talked about my oldest
stepson. He's very emotionally.
Regulated, but he's very like, he's like a.
Internal thinker, you know he's. Just like a old soul.
So what we try and do for him? Is let out his thoughts because
he holds. It all in right, So my husband
when he's the little guy struggling emotionally, my
husband takes him out for a walk and lets him walk it.
Out of fresh Air and Talk it out.
And then the little one, he's ADHD and he's got dyslexia and
he's just kind of like he's an open book.
So we he doesn't need to talk it out.
He's just like a wild. Man and he'll.
Let it out, but we physically. Let him get it out.
So we'll take him to. Like this place?
Called the Ninja Jungle. Or he goes.
And does ninja at gymnastics and so he.
He has like a rope. Swing here that he swings on.
So we know that that's his way of getting it out.
So that is how stepmoms can step up is by knowing what each kid
needs and helping them in these big moments.
So like when they're emotionally struggling or they have stupid,
when they have certain transitions going on in the
house. And I.
Like how you talked? About like individualizing the
needs depending on the individual child.
But honestly, listen, I could. Talk all day about this, you
guys, but we. Just want to get some.
Practical. Tips before we sign off today,
Number one, stop emotionally participate in every conflict.
Like we were talking about earlier, you don't need to
respond to every accusation, jab, or manipulation.
Being powerful is being emotionally neutral.
And then also reducing exposure. So stop reading every message
you know it's going to. Trigger you or upset you?
Stop obsessively monitoring the communication.
Leave it to the spouse. Let him take over.
Like gladly I let. My husband take over and limit
conversations about bio mom taking over your entire.
Household that we just. Don't talk about her in my
house. Period.
End of story. Yeah, stop trying to correct
those false narratives. You can't control what's set on,
you know, set in the other home. And so you need to protect the
energy of your home, your own home.
No conflict spirals. Before bed, create.
Rituals of peace after exchanges spoken on focus on your
household culture and. Yeah, I think the guilt of
stepmoms feel when stepping. Back is really.
Really hard. Just try not to put that on
yourself so you know, we don't need to feel sorry for that.
We're doing something for ourselves and that's going to
make us. Better for our step kids.
So in the front long run, they win.
I have a text from. Someone that they didn't send
text I didn't send. This one was so OK, so I don't
know exactly the context. Of it, but the actual.
Text is actually I'm not the reason your.
Child has rules here. Oh my gosh.
That's what I was. Talking about with the.
IPad and stuff. Yeah, but this one says.
I'm not asking to be. Worshipped basic respect.
Would be enough I think. Oh my gosh, you.
Can send that like what? Else.
Do you have done that? If you all have text that you
you type. Out and you don't click send,
send them over to us. Before you.
You know, send your politically appropriate text and we will.
Share it with the group. But we are logging out.
For a fabulous weekend, I hope. Everyone here has a good.
Week. Because it's Tuesday when this
airs. I got to get sick with that.
But. We love you all if you.
Need anything from us? You know where to find us, But
so long for now. Bye.
That's it for this week on Stepmom Side Chats.
We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties.
Before you go, it's something we said hit a little close to home.
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