1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,760 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom. 2 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:10,480 Side chats we are your. Hosts Alyssa and Rebecca 2. 3 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,720 Stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk. Boundaries, Co parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,680 truths, healing and the stuff. Nobody. 6 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,960 Says out loud. If you're ready for real talk, 7 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,240 real growth. And a little bit of. 8 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:24,960 Spice. Let's get into it. 9 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,960 Hello, hello, welcome. Back to another episode of 10 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:34,840 Stepmom Side Chats. I hope y'all are having a good 11 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,320 Tuesday. Tuesday. 12 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:42,280 It is Tuesday, or should be. We're currently very much on 13 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:46,240 like 3 day weekend mode cuz while we're recording this is 14 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:51,120 Labor Memorial Day weekend, this will come out regular. 15 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,720 So we're kind of out of. It I feel like. 16 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,320 I'm not myself today. Really. 17 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,400 Yeah. I'm like, I don't know, it's 18 00:00:58,400 --> 00:00:59,680 really hot in Las. Vegas. 19 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,560 So I just feel like I get super. Tired when I go outside. 20 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:04,920 Because I'm just like, exhausted. 21 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,880 From the heat, I don't know. If it's like that for you guys, 22 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,600 but it like. Just makes me so. 23 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:10,480 Tired. It takes like. 24 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,280 All my energy out of me. Yeah, it just sucks me right out 25 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,120 of you. Yeah, yeah. 26 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:19,720 And how long? No, I, it's actually not any of 27 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,560 my Texans out there. It is actually not hot right 28 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:23,840 now. It's like we're having these 29 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,760 really huge storms every night. You know, I'm texting some 30 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,200 nights, like, yeah. Hail. 31 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,000 There's hail. You wake up, it's gonna wake up 32 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:30,600 my. Baby. 33 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,480 So yeah, it's. It's been bad though but. 34 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,360 I mean, at least it's not super super hot. 35 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,600 So anyways. You have your kids. 36 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:45,720 For Memorial Day, right? You have we get my no, we get my 37 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:49,200 stepson. Back today, but he has. 38 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:52,520 Sports all weekend so we have tournament stuff I know all of 39 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,040 you sports moms can you know empathize with me so it's. 40 00:01:56,040 --> 00:02:00,280 Going to be crazy. But no, then we starting not 41 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,120 next week, the week. After we will have everyone so 42 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,280 good content guys. Good content. 43 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:10,080 Well, Becca's going on, Becca's going on vacay, so she's going 44 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,200 to be Mia and you guys are all stuck. 45 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:15,760 With just little Alyssa, no. It's going to be great. 46 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,080 It's going to be great. So today we wanted. 47 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,760 To talk about a topic. That we think is super 48 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:26,080 important, and that's about when you're a stepmom at first, at 49 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,920 least in our experience. And Alyssa, correct me if I'm 50 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,800 wrong, you think that like stepmotherhood is just going to 51 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,080 be, you know, the same. It's all going to be rainbow and 52 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:35,920 butterflies, just how when you first start. 53 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,240 But what we've really learned is that stepmotherhood is not 54 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,920 static. There are. 55 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:44,240 Seasons in, being a stepmom when stepping. 56 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,200 Back it protects your peace. It protects your marriage, your 57 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,320 nervous system, and there are times when. 58 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,400 It's appropriate to step back. And then there's other times and 59 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:56,200 seasons when stepping up, it just becomes necessary for the 60 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,200 whole family dynamic. For support for survival. 61 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,520 All of these things, the challenge that we have found and 62 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:03,680 I'm sure. A lot of y'all. 63 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:07,360 Have found as well is just learning the difference without 64 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:11,160 losing yourself in the process and then becoming resentful. 65 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,880 Yeah, I absolutely have that issue. 66 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,360 In my own household and we've definitely dealt with that 67 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:17,720 through the. Years like it's just. 68 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,760 And it's sometimes it ebbs and flows, you know, it comes and 69 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,920 goes. How severe it is? 70 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,360 And how we handle it, it also kind of depends on the season 71 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:31,040 that we're in. Just because, like you were. 72 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,960 Saying, you know, sometimes stepping up is necessary, but 73 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,160 sometimes, like during the. School year I actually this past 74 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,120 school year. Didn't have to. 75 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:39,960 Step up. I was able to take a step. 76 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,680 Back and, you know, take care of myself and my household and our 77 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,920 kids. So yeah, I think one of the 78 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,720 hardest lessons in stepmotherhood is realizing 79 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,800 that, you know, you cannot fight every battle, especially. 80 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,000 The. Ones that were designed to. 81 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,600 Pull you into the chaos. I think a lot of. 82 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,720 US. Do assume that position of OK, 83 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:03,400 I'm going to come in, I'm going to fix this mess, but this was 84 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,600 not your mess. And it's like my favorite 85 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,560 saying, not my circus, not my monkeys. 86 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:12,240 I will. Address it at like whatever. 87 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:18,000 One issues that I can handle but we are not responsible for 88 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,680 dealing with, you know, the drama that comes with a. 89 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,440 Divorce or? You know, taking care of. 90 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,800 Little people, we. Just need to love on them 91 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,880 sometimes, but being a healthy stepmom means, you know, 92 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,960 stepping in other times, stepping all the way back so. 93 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,120 Yeah, no, definitely. And I think. 94 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,560 That a lot of us. Stepmoms, including myself and 95 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:41,480 Alyssa. I know that. 96 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,200 We're big people pleasers. Like sometimes we come off like 97 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,080 we're not, you know, our content on IG definitely and some people 98 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:50,200 pleasing. However, in our actual. 99 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,760 For the right. Person it is. 100 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,320 Yes, definitely and but definitely like to our. 101 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,120 Core, both of us. I think we're people pleasers 102 00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:01,800 and so I think in the beginning of our stepmom journey, we just 103 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,120 were trying to constantly. Prove we care by. 104 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:08,560 Going to every sports practice, you know, attending all parent 105 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,240 teacher. Conferences, etcetera, etcetera, 106 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,360 etcetera. And sometimes just the 107 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,040 healthiest thing that you can do. 108 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,000 Is just stop. Emotionally entering every 109 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,240 conflict? Easier said than done, but. 110 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,200 Hopefully. Today, after this episode, you 111 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,200 feel a little peace. And maybe you know some 112 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,880 solutions you can take back with you, OK. 113 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:33,880 All right, so Alyssa, for you. How? 114 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,200 Do you navigate when you're? Protective over your. 115 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:42,800 Partner, when conflict happens between your house and the other 116 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,320 house, how do you navigate that? Because I know for me it's been 117 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,280 really hard, so I'm interested. To hear like how? 118 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:51,400 You navigate that. I know and. 119 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,160 It's hard because I feel protective over. 120 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:59,560 Him I feel even protective, like when the kids come and when they 121 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,800 manipulate him and he falls. Into the traps because he's. 122 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,920 Dad and he cares and he loves them, but I feel. 123 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,880 Really protective over. Protecting his peace, protecting 124 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:12,760 his sanity. And I just because I've seen him 125 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:19,200 fall into the the cycle the same, you know, rotation of 126 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:23,320 drama and like the kids are going to manipulate or they're 127 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,360 going to work the system. And then of course, we're going 128 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,280 to treat them still like kids. There's only so much you can do 129 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,920 right? And my husband's going to love 130 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,040 them no matter. What like that is? 131 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,600 A given, but then I'm like. You got to protect yourself. 132 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,560 You know, they're just saying things. 133 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,280 You don't have to believe everything they're saying. 134 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:46,280 It's probably maybe it's coming from mom or something, but I 135 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,920 don't know. I again, I've gotten to the 136 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,520 point where I step back and I think you aren't you at. 137 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,160 That spot too, because after. So many. 138 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,280 Years of doing it, we feel like it's. 139 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,400 Time to let them kind of take care of themselves. 140 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:05,680 Yeah, I am definitely different now than I used to be for sure. 141 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:09,560 I think that I always just wanted to protect my husband. 142 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:15,000 Like if you know one of the kids said something or when a bio mom 143 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,600 said something I. Always thought like I would get 144 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,080 so. Fired up and get myself. 145 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,560 So like worked up over. It, you know, I'm like, well, 146 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,240 that is not the kind of dad he is or that is not how this is 147 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,920 going down. And I would want to defend 148 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:32,680 myself and my husband and the situation by over explaining. 149 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,520 And sometimes I think over explaining really gets us in 150 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:39,120 trouble, you know, because it's like we're trying to prove 151 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,000 something and we don't need to, you know? 152 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:42,520 Oh yeah. I think that that's a. 153 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,760 Female. Characteristic, though, it's 154 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,960 like a. That's a women's thing because I 155 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,160 see that a lot in bio moms. Everywhere there's. 156 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,120 That's why they're. Sending so many texts they're 157 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,280 like over explaining because I've heard of mansplaining. 158 00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:00,240 Have you heard of that? What's where they they don't 159 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:02,960 explain very well. Mansplaining is like if we are 160 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,200 saying like. Or they're like very specific. 161 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,640 We're like, we're going to target, where is the closest 162 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,560 target. And a man is like, you're going 163 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,040 to go north on 35 and then you'll be there. 164 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,720 I'm like, what's north? What? 165 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,360 Just tell me which. Starbucks. 166 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,240 I got to pass and then I'll be like 10-4. 167 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,600 And so anyways, that was. Completely divergent. 168 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,560 Women, it's so true. I see that. 169 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,520 Happen all the time and so that's another thing where I 170 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,800 feel protective actually of my husband is because she'll send 171 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:35,400 texts that are kind of lengthy, but because she's a woman and I 172 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,280 think that she's like feeling all the emotions like women are 173 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,799 like spaghetti again. We're thinking about a million 174 00:08:40,799 --> 00:08:44,320 things about why a million things affect this one issue, 175 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,640 and then he comes back with like. 176 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,000 Just a few words. They're not that strong. 177 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:53,160 He's just like, oh, OK, I'll work on that or whatever. 178 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,400 And it's like, no, you got to stand up for yourself. 179 00:08:56,400 --> 00:09:00,000 You got to say something back, defend yourself, you know, And 180 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:03,080 I'm sure if I text and it's a long 1 and so she can tell it's 181 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,440 me, but I think. There's so many different ways. 182 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,440 To feel protective of your partner, you take it that way. 183 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,920 And I was taking it as like him protecting his heart when the 184 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,760 kids come over, you know, in the way. 185 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,160 That he gets pulled. Into that. 186 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:20,640 Yeah, definitely. I think, I don't know, there's 187 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:24,520 so many different, I think perspectives when it comes to 188 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,600 this. But I think the hardest thing 189 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,560 for me is when the kids maybe. Have parroted something that 190 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:32,920 they've heard at the other household. 191 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,000 And I just want to jump in and defend him. 192 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,560 And it's like, he's a big boy. He can do it himself. 193 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:42,200 Like, I don't need to, you know, prove anything or like, I'm like 194 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,680 411 guys. So I'm really. 195 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:47,000 Short, so it's like. My husband's like. 4/11. 196 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:48,400 Yes, I. Am. 197 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,560 I Don't think so. You. 198 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,000 Are I am. I am. 199 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,520 I'll show you next time we meet. But yeah, or five foot. 200 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,920 I thought, I thought. I never felt like a giant next 201 00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,520 to you, and I know I always you're. 202 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,120 Kind of short, too stupid. I get well I'm 5. 203 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,240 Foot, but I did too. Yeah, but. 204 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:08,400 You're kind of short too. Anywho, yeah, no, I think like 205 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,200 monitoring text messages, you know, things like that, 206 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,600 especially in the beginning of stepmotherhood. 207 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,880 You're like, well, what does she say? 208 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,400 What is it? Now I'm like, I don't even care. 209 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,480 Like I'm like, can I? Exit the group chat actually. 210 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,280 Right. Yeah, 100% but. 211 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,680 Also, we just don't. Have room for it anymore. 212 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,280 It's another season thing that kids get older. 213 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:32,640 There are more sports, there's more issues at school or there's 214 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,360 bigger issues and so we just don't. 215 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,440 Have time for that and I think that some of that comes 216 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,520 naturally that we just kind of fade out of that even that. 217 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:43,120 Ability. So Becca is what's what's your 218 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,080 degree exactly? You're a doctorate. 219 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,880 You have a doctorate. You're a doctor. 220 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,760 Explain. To everyone what you are because 221 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,480 I want to get into the nervous system and I know that you know 222 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:57,240 a lot about the nervous system. Yes, in some capacity, yes. 223 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:01,560 No, my doctorate is an education, but primarily special 224 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,920 education. So like a lot of my background 225 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,760 is behavior. So. 226 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,400 Learning and understanding why people. 227 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,080 Behave that the way that they. Do and there's always like a 228 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:16,720 function attached to the behavior and behavior is really 229 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:20,000 just communication. So that's primarily like where 230 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:25,640 my expertise lies in and a lot of my research is surrounded in 231 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:32,000 why students and kids and adults react to certain things because 232 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,440 of like the emotional trauma or physical trauma that they've 233 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,720 injured throughout their lives. So a lot of high conflict. 234 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,280 Situations escalate because too many people are emotionally 235 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,520 participating in the conflict cycle. 236 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,920 And that's kind of also what I was talking about. 237 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:51,000 That same cycle that happens and this is something that maybe 238 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,480 starts when the kids come and it builds up. 239 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:59,320 All the kids are here and then it amplifies once something 240 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,480 happens. They say my mom does it this way 241 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,760 or maybe bio mom sends a text and each household is seeing 242 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:08,120 this this conflict cycle and then the kids leave and so 243 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,560 there's a new. Heightened part of it. 244 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:13,080 And you know, the, the sadness around it and everything. 245 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:18,640 So talk to me about the the emotional. 246 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:22,600 Labor of it all. So yeah, I. 247 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:26,640 Think that as stepmoms and women like you were saying earlier. 248 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,200 It's like we just. Like, want to take on so much 249 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:33,800 and we like want to have a say and we want to know what's going 250 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,120 on, right? So we become emotionally 251 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,720 invested and we start participating in this complex. 252 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,800 Conflict cycle that you were. Just talking about so you know, 253 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,400 I don't know if you are going to be so impressed when I say this. 254 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,320 So you know that saying and it's like there's too many cooks in 255 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,760 the kitchen. Like, I think that's what 256 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,480 happened. You're like of. 257 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:56,680 Course saying. I think my mom told me this one. 258 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:00,360 But yeah, so. I feel like when it comes to 259 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,720 these high conflict situation, there's like too many cooks in 260 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:06,280 the kitchen, like there's too many things going on and then 261 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,360 you know. Behaviors always. 262 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,920 Have a consequence to them, whether that's a negative 263 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,320 consequence or a positive consequence. 264 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:20,880 So in behavior, what we call it in higher education, it's called 265 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,920 the ABC model. So there's an antecedent, a 266 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:28,120 behavior, and a consequence. And and that's just. 267 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,960 How it works? So antecedent is what happens. 268 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:35,640 Right before the behavior so. For example, maybe there's a 269 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:40,160 social media post, maybe bio mom put a social media post out 270 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,560 there. OK, we see it, stepmom sees it, 271 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:47,000 maybe dad sees it and that's that's the antecedent. 272 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,840 What happens? Right before the behavior 273 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:54,400 occurs. Now the behavior is usually from 274 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,040 bio dad or even step. Mom or? 275 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,840 Whomever. And we start doing, you know, 276 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,240 angry text messages. We're. 277 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,800 Texting or texting or texting? We're like, so angry. 278 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,840 Well. The consequence of that is 279 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,800 there's an immediate emotional reaction from the other. 280 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,160 Side so they're writing, right? Back and we start engaging in 281 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:19,160 this huge conflict cycle right everyone in the house is 282 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,600 emotionally engaging in some capacity whether. 283 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,400 Stepmom is directly texting or she's helping her her 284 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,920 significant other. Text as well about the. 285 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:32,680 Social media post right this is just an example well, there's. 286 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,320 Always what we call a. Function of the behavior. 287 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,320 What is the payoff of what? Happened. 288 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,640 What is the consequence? Is OK. 289 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,920 Everyone's emotionally engaging. There's, you know, all these. 290 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:48,520 Emotional reactions happening. But what was the payoff to the 291 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,320 behavior they get? Attention, but there. 292 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,280 Are 4. Functions of behavior. 293 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,480 There is a. Sensory, which is something 294 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,760 more? Related to children who have 295 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,800 autism and are on the autism spectrum and then there's escape 296 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,680 wanting to. Avoid the conflict and 297 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:05,960 completely. Get out of it. 298 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,720 And then there's attention, and then access. 299 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,920 To a tangible. But attention is the one that we 300 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,400 see. Most in step families because. 301 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,360 People want attention, right? We always want attention that 302 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,800 can be negative attention so we can be reinforcing behaviors 303 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:26,720 constantly if we keep engaging and re entering this conflict 304 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,840 cycle with bio mom or whomever, even the stepchild. 305 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:34,040 If the stepchild's like. Oh, you know what Mom said That 306 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,360 you don't love me and you made a new family, which is 307 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,080 heartbreaking, right? We're not saying it's not 308 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,040 heartbreaking, but let's say they keep saying that every time 309 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,960 they come over or. Oh, you had? 310 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,600 Kids with a new woman. So those kids are more 311 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,640 important. But they say it every time. 312 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,560 And then dad's like, oh, and he gives so much attention to this 313 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,680 behavior. They're getting attention no 314 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,960 matter what. And So what they've learned is, 315 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,880 oh, I come over to Dad. 'S house, I say how horrible 316 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:01,800 this is. I pair. 317 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,200 It with my mom I get attention and everyone feels bad for me in 318 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,520 the household. Bio mom learns OK I make the 319 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,920 social media post my ex-husband he texts me all angry I'm 320 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:17,600 getting attention from him. My behavior is working and it's 321 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,360 just so interesting. It's like causing response, 322 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,040 right? Isn't that how it's called? 323 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,480 Yeah, yeah, there's. Something that an action that 324 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,880 you do or an action that's done and then there's a response for 325 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,560 and you're usually looking for this sponsor trying to trigger 326 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,760 this response. Yeah, and then behavior science, 327 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:36,400 what we. Call. 328 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,520 It is like. If a behavior keeps happening, 329 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,640 we're always trying to look at what is reinforcing that 330 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,760 behavior. Right, So what is? 331 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:48,520 You know, happening in this situation or in this behavior 332 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:52,280 cycle that makes that person want to keep engaging in the 333 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,920 behavior. So for example, to like break it 334 00:16:54,920 --> 00:17:01,080 down into really simple terms, if my son is crying because he 335 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,360 wants a fruit roll up, that's been his new favorite snack 336 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,280 lately and I'm like. If you eat your real Food First. 337 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,000 Then you can have a. Fruit roll up well. 338 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:12,800 His behavior is maybe he cries, no, I want it Now let's say I 339 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,599 give in and I give him the fruit roll up what he has just 340 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:18,640 learned. Is that his behavior of? 341 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,000 Crying works and that I. Should that he should keep. 342 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,400 Doing that because I'm always going to give in and I'm always 343 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,079 going to give him the fruit roll up I. 344 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,440 Think this is really applicable. And Co parenting relationships 345 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:34,240 because they see oh bio dad and stepmom they get mad if I make 346 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,480 like a little snarky post on social media. 347 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,680 So guess what? I'm going to keep doing it 348 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,000 because they're giving me attention and people. 349 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,680 Subconsciously. Do this as well they. 350 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,440 No one, I don't think is like, oh, they're going to text me. 351 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:46,920 I'm going to get all this attention. 352 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,800 No, they. Thrive off the chaos. 353 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,520 And they thrive off the negativity. 354 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,440 And isn't it just like any attention? 355 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,800 They don't care. Any attention is good attention. 356 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,280 I've seen that too with step kids. 357 00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,560 I hear from all of our other stepmoms that they say that. 358 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,880 Their best kid. Is going to the principal's 359 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:07,840 office more and they're not upset about it like the kiddo 360 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,800 isn't. And I'm like, wow, they're 361 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,600 looking for attention, so they're getting both mom and dad 362 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,480 in the same room for the first time. 363 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:18,360 Or they're. Getting attention where it's 364 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,000 easier to get attention. Like they get in the classroom, 365 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,960 they get the teachers attention, they get the principal 366 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,440 attention, then they got both the parents. 367 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,080 Again. So yeah, I think. 368 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,400 There's a lot. To be said about that. 369 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,280 How can we reframe our thinking? Process like as. 370 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:35,480 Stepmoms in that manner in this whole kind of situation. 371 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:40,560 So when we're de. Escalating that interrupts the 372 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:44,400 reinforcement patterns. So in Co parenting, what this 373 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,960 looks like more or you know with high conflict situations is that 374 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,560 you know, instead of emotionally reacting and sending that text. 375 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:57,800 Maybe we just actually. Don't silence is a a response, 376 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,120 you know, no response is a response. 377 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:04,600 Sometimes I am not going to feed into you, you know, angry, 378 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,640 texting me or posting something on social media. 379 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,200 I am going to. Wait. 380 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,880 And engage when I'm ready. And always respond briefly, 381 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,920 staying neutral, really short. Words like you always talk about 382 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,840 like those. Business you know transactions 383 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:24,400 and treating that Co parenting. Relationship as such because 384 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,320 people. Get off on the fact that you get 385 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:30,120 mad and that you react so emotionally they don't like. 386 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,560 When you're just. Yeah, They don't like when, you 387 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:36,400 know, you just respond like neutrally and say, OK, thank you 388 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,040 for letting me know. Like they don't, They don't like 389 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,720 that. So it's like you can't always. 390 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,400 Necessarily stop the other party. 391 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,880 Is, you know, behavior, but you can, you know. 392 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,400 Stop. Accidentally reinforcing that 393 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,680 cycle that continues because the other party eventually will 394 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:58,840 realize I'm not getting what I want so I'm going to stop now 395 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,200 with that being said. Behavior always gets worse 396 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,160 before it gets. Better, and we kind of talk 397 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,760 about this when we're setting boundaries as well. 398 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,880 When you set a boundary with someone by maybe not responding 399 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,440 or, you know, responding briefly and in a neutral tone, then 400 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,680 they're going to get mad because they're like, oh. 401 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,160 What the heck? Why isn't he getting so mad? 402 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,720 Why isn't stepmom crying on social media? 403 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,760 Or why are all these things happening? 404 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:26,240 So they're going to up the ante and they're going to make their 405 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,000 behavior so much more intense because they're trying to get 406 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,200 that pay off again of the attention, whether it's negative 407 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:37,520 or positive. Yeah, I think too that something 408 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,280 that's really important for stepmoms to do is to. 409 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,480 Be able to. Like emotionally regulate 410 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:47,480 themselves in the in the midst of all this because some of it 411 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,120 is just noise. And that's another conversation 412 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:54,440 I've had with one of our members of how are we dysregulating? 413 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,160 You know, no, wait, how are we disengaging? 414 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:01,480 Sorry, how are we disengaging? Because you have to pick your 415 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,680 battles first. You have to know what is. 416 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:07,040 Really a threat and what's? Really important and needs 417 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:10,880 urgent attention and. What is just a threat? 418 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,280 And not a legitimate threat. What is something that you know? 419 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,720 There is a. Sense of urgency to, but maybe 420 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:22,200 it's not actually urgent. So something in regards. 421 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,760 To the kids or. Bio mom, you know. 422 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,400 We hear a lot of. Stepmoms are getting threats. 423 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,480 Or their. Household is so maybe to their 424 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,160 by a mom. If you don't do this, then this 425 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,440 is what's going to happen and maybe it's like court. 426 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:41,600 Threats or like calling CPS? Or something as minor as like 427 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,200 just saying this is. What you're supposed to do, 428 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,720 whether they have a court. Document or not? 429 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,920 Like a legalized custody detailed schedule or whatever. 430 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:55,400 They have a way. Of making the other household 431 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:59,160 stepmom's household feel scared and threatened. 432 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:04,520 And so being able to emotionally regulate and not let them access 433 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,840 your nervous system, you can kind of like compartmentalize 434 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:12,200 where everything needs to go. Like in my head I have a. 435 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:15,880 Space for. The bullshit from bio mom, 436 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,080 right? But then I have a space for 437 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,240 like. This is what's in our court 438 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,480 decree, and this is what's most important. 439 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,080 And so if she brings up something here, I will look into 440 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:26,800 this and make sure we're doing this correct. 441 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,360 But yeah, not every conflict deserves access to your nervous 442 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,840 system. We just have to. 443 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,040 Be able to. Block that out and it's just 444 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:40,320 simple as not letting them win. Yeah, no, because it's. 445 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,280 Like when, like, you know, letting them win, then they're 446 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,960 just going to keep doing it. And when you stop showing them a 447 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,400 reaction, they're going to eventually back off now. 448 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,960 The hard part with this is. It really just takes time and it 449 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,000 depends on the person. But there's another. 450 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,920 De escalation strategy and we use this a lot with students. 451 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,280 Or. With kids with significant 452 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,920 behaviors. And that's the Gray rock. 453 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:04,840 Theory. I'm not sure. 454 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,520 If you've heard of it, have you heard of it? 455 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,280 Wait, I have. I don't know what it is though, 456 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,200 but it sounds very familiar or I've heard. 457 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,760 About it, but you know. When we were in college, I was 458 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:16,760 taking extra psychology. Yeah. 459 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,080 So maybe from then, but. That was years ago. 460 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,760 My psychology class when we were at the same college was so. 461 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,120 Hard by the way side. Note but. 462 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,560 Anyways, the the Gray rock. Method. 463 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:34,000 Is it's a de escalation strategy? 464 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,560 And it's where you become intentionally emotionally 465 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:42,440 neutral, unreactive, and uninteresting during 466 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,800 interactions with high conflict people. 467 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,080 So the goal. Is not to be rude. 468 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,960 Or be passive aggressive necessarily. 469 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,600 Which is really hard for me because I. 470 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:55,080 Just think I'm so funny. But the goal is to stop feeding 471 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,360 that emotional intensity. And that's what we are just kind 472 00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,760 of talking about is you're not letting the other party win by 473 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,640 them seeing that you're squirming. 474 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,160 You don't want them to see that you're getting upset by this and 475 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,640 what they're doing. So you're trying to think calm, 476 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,520 brief, you know, low emotion. Like a grey rock, it's. 477 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,760 Present, but it's not emotionally reactive, right? 478 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:21,400 So you know a lot of these high conflict interactions. 479 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,640 Wait a minute. Go ahead. 480 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:29,440 It's called a wet blanket. Wait, what? 481 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,640 Haven't you ever heard of? Someone being a wet blanket. 482 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:35,520 No. What's that? 483 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,120 It's. The exact same thing, but maybe 484 00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:41,120 it's. Like the non educational form of 485 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,240 like a grey. Rock it's. 486 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,960 Called a wet blanket. That's another saying that maybe 487 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,040 you haven't heard about it because you're not into saying 488 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:48,640 like me. But. 489 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:53,560 When someone is like dull, kind of lackluster when they are 490 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,000 like. Useless. 491 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,960 And that's what we want to. Be to buy a mom. 492 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,800 Like we want our. Household our spouses to be a 493 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,200 web. Blanket so that she doesn't find 494 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,280 joy in coming to you. OK, Yeah. 495 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,640 No, no, it's true. And that and I. 496 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,760 Think like what it looks. Like in real life, for example 497 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:18,160 is like you know, maybe bio mom texts you like no, you know. 498 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:21,800 Blah blah blah this. Is unfair and they're talking 499 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,480 about pick up times. The Gray rock they would just 500 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,920 say pick up is still at 5:00. PM sent. 501 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,800 That's all. Be a great rock. 502 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,120 Be neutral. Just be to the point. 503 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,800 Do not emotionally engage instead of writing maybe A5 504 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,720 paragraph text message. Like I like to do. 505 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,560 Just. Put yourself Don't explain why 506 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,600 you did something. Don't explain your plans. 507 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,920 In the future, just the facts. That's way back. 508 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:50,520 To one of our beginning. Episodes stick to the facts. 509 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:53,400 It's a business e-mail. Would you e-mail your boss and 510 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,920 explain to them why you're taking a few days off? 511 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:57,680 Like why? You chose to go to. 512 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,800 Florida. No, like Florida was your 513 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:00,640 choice. Whatever. 514 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:01,960 You know you're not. You're just. 515 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,280 Going to say I need these days off period. 516 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:09,520 Definitely, and then as. Far as. 517 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,320 We were talking about in the beginning. 518 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:15,120 Of the episode, there's seasons. Where over involvement versus 519 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,920 selective involvement is healthier depending on where 520 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,680 you're at. So I know for Alyssa and I, this 521 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:24,800 is like kind of look different. When do you think you've been 522 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,040 like over involved? Well. 523 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,520 Early on, I think most. Of us all. 524 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,440 Are over involved early on but then also. 525 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:35,840 Our SO our schedule. With the kids comes and. 526 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,560 Goes of like. How long we have them? 527 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,080 So for example, coming up we're going to have them for two weeks 528 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:44,320 and I think I'm already becoming over involved. 529 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:48,000 Like I'm planning way too much. I'm taking off so much PTO to be 530 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:53,520 the nanny and be like I. It's wearing me thin and we 531 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,160 haven't gotten them yet for two weeks. 532 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,080 So but we're used. To only having them five days 533 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,040 right now. So the two weeks. 534 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,640 Coming up, you know, I feel a sense of like, let's entertain 535 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:07,240 everyone and. It is really. 536 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,240 It's hard mentally, it's hard physically, it's draining, it's 537 00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:15,600 exhausting and there's. Got to be a way out, right? 538 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,640 There's got to be something to do, and I know that I know 539 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,360 better because I preach on this. Early on, you and I both said we 540 00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:24,080 were doing all the things, all the pumpkin patches, all the 541 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:25,640 Christmas. Shows or whatever. 542 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:29,040 And now we're just taking a step back for our mental sanity. 543 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,880 But it's just. Sometimes it pops its ugly. 544 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,880 Head like things have changed, our custody schedule has changed 545 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,280 and now we don't have them as much. 546 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,240 So when we have this big break for the summer, I'm like, let's 547 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,280 plan a big trip. Let's plan all these breaks, 548 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,960 let's plan PTO. And then I'm just going to be, 549 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,120 I'm going to. Be a grey rock after. 550 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:47,800 I'm going to. Be a wet blanket. 551 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,320 Wet blankets and grey. Rocks everywhere, guys. 552 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:56,080 That's that's an important point, though, because it. 553 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,760 Just because you're like, oh. I've been a stepmom for. 554 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,160 Five years. Or in five to seven years 555 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,160 research. Says OK, well, we're still. 556 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,280 Human. You know, like things are. 100%. 557 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:10,720 You know, like it still happens, like Alyssa and I are still 558 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:16,840 dealing with it years later. And I think for me, I sometimes 559 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:22,000 was over involved in my oldest stepson's college journey. 560 00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:24,600 So I would like check. You guys are all going to be 561 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:29,080 like what I would like to check. I would check his grades. 562 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:32,000 Guys, no one asked me to. I would check his grades. 563 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,880 I would check when the dorm is closing when he needed to come 564 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:39,680 home, but the problem with that is when you're over functioning 565 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,600 that really leads to resentment and I started becoming really 566 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:47,520 resentful. Stepmoms, how are you coping 567 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:48,560 with transition? Day. 568 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,640 I'll tell you how. I am, I'm lighting my big ass 569 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:55,680 candles to calm my big ass anxieties and honestly it 570 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:57,480 changes the whole mood of the house. 571 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:01,200 Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy. 572 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:04,280 We're obsessed with. Big ass candles from big. 573 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:05,800 Ass luxuries? Yep. 574 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:09,520 The ones from Shark Tank, if you want to try one, use code 575 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:11,680 stepmom at checkout for a discount. 576 00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:17,000 That's code stepmom at checkout. Big ass candles because stepmom 577 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,040 life comes with big ass. Feelings. 578 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:27,880 That's a red flag. Towards your mental health, your 579 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:31,960 physical health, your marriage. Yeah. 580 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:35,400 And once I started like stepping back from that and. 581 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:38,640 Let like the bio. Parents, my spouse and. 582 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,400 The other party start carrying. Their own responsibilities. 583 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:45,680 I felt so much weight lifted off of me and so much less 584 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:49,640 resentment towards everyone involved in that situation. 585 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:51,880 So at. First, I think for like over 586 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:53,960 involved and over functioning stepmoms this. 587 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:56,120 Can feel like really scary because you're like, well. 588 00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,160 If if I don't do it, no one will. 589 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,480 I promise you, someone will. Someone will. 590 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,480 There's something to be said to you about not having something 591 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:07,440 planned all the time. When and then kids learn to fill 592 00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:11,360 that time, they have to learn how to be bored, learn to 593 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:13,600 problem solve. I'm bored, what am I going to 594 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:15,440 do? And this is something that 595 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:19,560 stepchildren deal with the most. It's. 596 00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:22,600 Such an unfortunate issue. To grow up with but they. 597 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:26,160 Just do and it's OK. What do I do now? 598 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:27,840 I finished my craft that you gave me. 599 00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:30,080 Now what do I do? I finished my lunch, what should 600 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:32,040 I do? Like if you can't. 601 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:33,600 Figure it out. Then we're just going to sell 602 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:35,160 all these toys. I don't know how many times I 603 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,920 say that in my house because it's like, Oh my gosh, look 604 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,520 outside. There's a giant trampoline. 605 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,600 Look at this playroom loaded with toys. 606 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,320 I have a whole art. Cabinet, If you can't find 607 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:46,400 something to do, then we're going to get rid of it. 608 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:50,880 But it is kind of guiding them too, because, sure, maybe at 609 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,680 mom's house they're always given a screen to look at. 610 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:57,000 Or they're always put in. Front of video games and then 611 00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:58,880 they can do that for hours on end. 612 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:04,680 Or yeah, so it's really. Guiding them, training them a 613 00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:06,520 little bit like. First you have. 614 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:08,600 To find something to. Play with before. 615 00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,360 Coming to me and asking what to do. 616 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:12,720 And then it trains them. OK, I can. 617 00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:14,240 I know what to do. I'm going to go. 618 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,720 Look for a toy, but there's just ways that we can help the. 619 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:22,600 Kids too, when maybe the other house is not helping them and 620 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:25,240 they're depleting them of these normal. 621 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:27,440 Capabilities that kids have. Because think about when they 622 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:29,240 grow up, what do they have you dealing with then? 623 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:31,680 Like they're always. Nothing's going to be good 624 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:32,840 enough. They're always going to want 625 00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:34,880 more, which may be in a. Workforce. 626 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:38,160 You know, that's a good thing, but in other situations like 627 00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:39,560 that's not great in relationships. 628 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:41,440 If it's not enough. They always want more, they 629 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:42,960 always think there's something better. 630 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:50,760 So that's just kind of my spiel as my Ted Talk on finding a way. 631 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:54,520 To help the kids, but also. Helping them help themselves. 632 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:58,120 Yeah, no. And you're trying to, you know, 633 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,880 help them become productive members of society. 634 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:04,440 And one of those ways is learning that life is boring 635 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:07,320 sometimes and you're not going to have a constant camp 636 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:09,680 counselor there. So, and I think that's 637 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:11,680 important. What you said, it's like, OK, 638 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:15,480 you're stepping back maybe as a stepmom by not planning every 639 00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:18,240 single thing that they're doing during the day, but that doesn't 640 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:20,800 mean you, you don't. Care clearly, because you have a 641 00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:22,520 whole art. Cabinet, that doesn't mean 642 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,240 you're punishing them or you're emotionally shutting down. 643 00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:29,120 It's meaning that you're pushing them and encouraging them. 644 00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:32,720 To have creative outlets. That they think of and 645 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:37,520 brainstorm by themselves and. It also helps you be it's. 646 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:40,560 Sustainable for you. It's not like, oh, I need to be, 647 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:42,760 you know, doing something every single day. 648 00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:44,840 Nope. This part of me being 649 00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:48,920 selectively involved means that I have some emotional boundaries 650 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,200 that I'm studying. I'm doing some things for myself 651 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,600 too. Yeah, and the kids are only as 652 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,080 healthy. As the household so if you're. 653 00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,880 Wearing yourself thin and you're mentally worn out and your 654 00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,440 husband's worn out. You're carrying the load. 655 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:05,040 Then what's that look like? For the kids, right, But also. 656 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,480 Tell me why. Kids these days is it? 657 00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:12,960 Just mine, but tell me. Why they are all like. 658 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:16,760 If I tell them to go to their room and just read for like 30 659 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:19,280 minutes or read for an hour before bed or whatever, they 660 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:24,600 think it's a punishment. They're grounded just because. 661 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,760 I'm like. And it's not like their room is 662 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:28,960 far away. OK, I have like a farmhouse so 663 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,000 their room is right off the living room. 664 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:32,160 But. Yeah. 665 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:34,880 I'm right here. I'm not sending you off to Never 666 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:36,440 Neverland. Just go read. 667 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:39,720 I want them to be intellectual and learn how to be quiet in 668 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,440 their thoughts and like no. Do you? 669 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:45,840 Do you? Read with your. 4 year old every 670 00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,000 night. She's almost 4, right? 671 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:49,520 Yeah. Yeah, Oh yeah, we read. 672 00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,280 Every night and. I do have the boys read to her. 673 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,600 So there's also. I think some seasons that we 674 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,680 need to talk. About where it is appropriate. 675 00:33:56,680 --> 00:34:00,840 For stepmoms to step up naturally because. 676 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:04,240 Research is clear that. Stepmoms are actually important 677 00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:07,760 guys, and they can become incredibly one of the most 678 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:10,560 important stabilizing adult figures for step. 679 00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:11,880 Kids. So there's. 680 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:15,320 Times when it's appropriate to step up instead of step back. 681 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:20,440 And I want to hear times in your stepmom journey where you feel 682 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:21,840 like you. Have had to step. 683 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,719 Up more. Obviously with major household 684 00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:31,719 transitions, like we've had an arse baby or two and that's a 685 00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:33,480 big. Shift that the kids feel. 686 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:37,480 And we see them feel it. So being a little more present 687 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:40,199 in those moments. Making sure my husband had 688 00:34:40,199 --> 00:34:43,600 one-on-one time with those kiddos while I was home with the 689 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:46,600 baby. More than normal so. 690 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:49,120 And that was my way of stepping up too. 691 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,360 Is like. He and I would take them out 692 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,120 one-on-one. So they get the. 693 00:34:53,159 --> 00:34:56,679 Quality time, but then another time is. 694 00:34:56,679 --> 00:34:59,760 Like when? Whenever they're struggling 695 00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:04,360 emotionally with something, what we do in our household to manage 696 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:06,440 that is different based on each kid. 697 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,760 So I've known. I talked about my oldest 698 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:11,480 stepson. He's very emotionally. 699 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:14,160 Regulated, but he's very like, he's like a. 700 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,320 Internal thinker, you know he's. Just like a old soul. 701 00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:21,280 So what we try and do for him? Is let out his thoughts because 702 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:25,120 he holds. It all in right, So my husband 703 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:28,440 when he's the little guy struggling emotionally, my 704 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:32,600 husband takes him out for a walk and lets him walk it. 705 00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:34,440 Out of fresh Air and Talk it out. 706 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:39,920 And then the little one, he's ADHD and he's got dyslexia and 707 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,960 he's just kind of like he's an open book. 708 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:44,920 So we he doesn't need to talk it out. 709 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:47,240 He's just like a wild. Man and he'll. 710 00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:49,760 Let it out, but we physically. Let him get it out. 711 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:51,680 So we'll take him to. Like this place? 712 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:55,560 Called the Ninja Jungle. Or he goes. 713 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,560 And does ninja at gymnastics and so he. 714 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,520 He has like a rope. Swing here that he swings on. 715 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,280 So we know that that's his way of getting it out. 716 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:08,200 So that is how stepmoms can step up is by knowing what each kid 717 00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:11,520 needs and helping them in these big moments. 718 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:15,120 So like when they're emotionally struggling or they have stupid, 719 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,640 when they have certain transitions going on in the 720 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:19,440 house. And I. 721 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,000 Like how you talked? About like individualizing the 722 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,120 needs depending on the individual child. 723 00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,280 But honestly, listen, I could. Talk all day about this, you 724 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,680 guys, but we. Just want to get some. 725 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:32,920 Practical. Tips before we sign off today, 726 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:36,240 Number one, stop emotionally participate in every conflict. 727 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:38,280 Like we were talking about earlier, you don't need to 728 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,200 respond to every accusation, jab, or manipulation. 729 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:46,080 Being powerful is being emotionally neutral. 730 00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:52,360 And then also reducing exposure. So stop reading every message 731 00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:54,360 you know it's going to. Trigger you or upset you? 732 00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:57,880 Stop obsessively monitoring the communication. 733 00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,760 Leave it to the spouse. Let him take over. 734 00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:04,440 Like gladly I let. My husband take over and limit 735 00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:07,160 conversations about bio mom taking over your entire. 736 00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:10,440 Household that we just. Don't talk about her in my 737 00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:11,160 house. Period. 738 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:15,120 End of story. Yeah, stop trying to correct 739 00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:17,840 those false narratives. You can't control what's set on, 740 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:21,560 you know, set in the other home. And so you need to protect the 741 00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:23,440 energy of your home, your own home. 742 00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:26,360 No conflict spirals. Before bed, create. 743 00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,400 Rituals of peace after exchanges spoken on focus on your 744 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:33,960 household culture and. Yeah, I think the guilt of 745 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,240 stepmoms feel when stepping. Back is really. 746 00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:38,320 Really hard. Just try not to put that on 747 00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,880 yourself so you know, we don't need to feel sorry for that. 748 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:42,760 We're doing something for ourselves and that's going to 749 00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:44,000 make us. Better for our step kids. 750 00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,880 So in the front long run, they win. 751 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:50,720 I have a text from. Someone that they didn't send 752 00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:56,720 text I didn't send. This one was so OK, so I don't 753 00:37:56,720 --> 00:37:58,800 know exactly the context. Of it, but the actual. 754 00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:01,720 Text is actually I'm not the reason your. 755 00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:06,280 Child has rules here. Oh my gosh. 756 00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:07,880 That's what I was. Talking about with the. 757 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:13,040 IPad and stuff. Yeah, but this one says. 758 00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:17,000 I'm not asking to be. Worshipped basic respect. 759 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:20,080 Would be enough I think. Oh my gosh, you. 760 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:22,240 Can send that like what? Else. 761 00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:26,400 Do you have done that? If you all have text that you 762 00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:29,400 you type. Out and you don't click send, 763 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:31,600 send them over to us. Before you. 764 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:37,320 You know, send your politically appropriate text and we will. 765 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:41,560 Share it with the group. But we are logging out. 766 00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:45,600 For a fabulous weekend, I hope. Everyone here has a good. 767 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,880 Week. Because it's Tuesday when this 768 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,560 airs. I got to get sick with that. 769 00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:53,520 But. We love you all if you. 770 00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:56,600 Need anything from us? You know where to find us, But 771 00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:00,760 so long for now. Bye. 772 00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:04,640 That's it for this week on Stepmom Side Chats. 773 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,480 We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties. 774 00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:11,240 Before you go, it's something we said hit a little close to home. 775 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:14,640 Go ahead and hit follow now so you don't miss. 776 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:17,200 Future episodes. And share with another stepmom 777 00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:19,280 to help us grow. If you want to connect. 778 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:21,600 Between episodes. Follow us on Instagram at 779 00:39:21,600 --> 00:39:23,520 Stepmom Side Chats. And send us what? 780 00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:26,320 You want us to chat about next? Keep giving yourself grace. 781 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:27,640 You're doing better than you think. 782 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:29,120 We'll chat with you all soon.