1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,640 Hello everyone and welcome back to Needy No More, the podcast 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,960 dedicated to healing the anxious attachment style. 3 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,360 I'm your host, anxious attachment style coach and 4 00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:15,080 author Chris Ratcliffe. I've helped thousands of people 5 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,960 across 6 continents to end the cycle of anxious attachment 6 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:23,160 through my books, workshops, digital downloads, and coaching 7 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,560 program. I'm excited to carry on that 8 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:29,080 mission here, sharing tools and techniques, principles and 9 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:33,480 ractices for you to explore on your journey to growing more 10 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,880 secure. Welcome back everyone. 11 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,840 I am really excited about today's episode because it is 12 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:44,640 one of the most important things to consider when you're talking 13 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:48,000 about exploring healing. You're anxious attachment style, 14 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,520 and that is nervous system regulation. 15 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,200 We're going to be talking about dysregulation and regulation. 16 00:00:55,640 --> 00:01:01,440 Just generally, what causes us to get triggered, what makes us 17 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,600 resuscitate pain from the past? These are really important 18 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,600 things to unpack when it comes to healing anxious attachment 19 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,560 because we're getting to the root of it. 20 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:15,480 So far in the show, we've been exploring the cycle of anxious 21 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:20,080 attachment that I outline in my book, Needy No More, the Journey 22 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,600 from anxious to secure attachment. 23 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:27,200 We've already explored trauma, abandonment, and codependency, 24 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,960 which are a part of the main cycle of anxious attachment. 25 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:34,880 There are still three steps remaining in the cycle that 26 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,640 we're going to explore, starting with today's episode on nervous 27 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,960 system dysregulation, because it really is the connective tissue 28 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:47,880 among all of the other steps. Now, there are some questions 29 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:51,040 that I want to answer in today's episode, so here's what we're 30 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:55,160 going to unpack. First, what exactly is nervous 31 00:01:55,160 --> 00:02:00,320 system dysregulation and how is it connected to being triggered? 32 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,960 Next, we'll explore what are the causes of nervous system 33 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:08,240 dysregulation, both in the past and in the present. 34 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,720 From there, we'll explore how has nervous system dysregulation 35 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,320 shown up in my life. I'll share some examples with 36 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:18,720 you that can hopefully resonate with your own story. 37 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:23,840 Then we'll unpack how is nervous system dysregulation connected 38 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,600 to anxious attachment, and we'll close by talking about some ways 39 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,120 that you can regulate your nervous system. 40 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,320 That's sort of what we'll continue exploring for the 41 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,480 remainder of the show and in future episodes, but I'll give 42 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,960 you a couple of takeaways for today when it comes to the 43 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,240 basics of nervous system regulation. 44 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:48,280 The first thing I'm going to do is to read a chapter from the 45 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:52,960 book Needy No More, which is all about nervous system 46 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:57,440 dysregulation, and that chapter is titled Nervous System 47 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,880 Dysregulation. There's an entire section in the 48 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,080 first part of the book that's dedicated to dysregulation, and 49 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:06,840 this is the intro chapter there. So without further ado, let's go 50 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:11,000 ahead and dive in. At its core, the most important 51 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,920 function the body serves is to keep itself alive. 52 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,720 After all, what could be more important than survival? 53 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,080 This is what the body believes and how it behaves. 54 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,080 In fact, everything we do serves this mission. 55 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,040 We eat to fuel our body so we have energy for survival. 56 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,720 We connect with others to have strength in numbers, which 57 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:35,920 supports our survival. We procreate in order to ensure 58 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,880 the survival of our species. The list goes on and on. 59 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,640 Of all the systems in the body, the nervous system is the 60 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:47,640 commander in chief, in charge of helping us to achieve the 61 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,760 fundamental goal of survival. Centered in the brain and 62 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:55,400 running via numerous nerves throughout your body, the health 63 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,880 and regulation of your nervous system is an overall indication 64 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,600 of the extent to which you're either thriving or surviving, 65 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,880 stable or unstable, present or preoccupied. 66 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,320 For anxious attachers, the very name nervous system is an 67 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,080 apartment one. Having learned our needs won't 68 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:17,279 get met due to inconsistent and unpredictable relationships, we 69 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:21,560 tend to be constantly nervous, anxious and on edge, always 70 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:25,760 ready for our next heartbreak. Over time, these experiences 71 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,960 leave imprints, conditioned impressions that prime us for 72 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,280 the future. Like an overly sensitive smoke 73 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:35,000 detector, our nervous system becomes hyper vigilant and 74 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:39,440 learns to sound the alarm at any threat, no matter how small, 75 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,480 that might pose danger to our health and well-being. 76 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,640 These are survival mechanisms, ways that our system adjusts to 77 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,200 be ready for any future danger, whether it's real or something 78 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,920 we've perceived. Here's what this means. 79 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,800 If your past was chaotic, your body quite literally expects 80 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,080 your present and future to be chaotic too. 81 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:04,240 When it comes to survival, preparedness is the name of the 82 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,920 game. Like an overprotective older 83 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,760 sibling, your nervous system will step in and do its best to 84 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,440 protect you and keep you safe and alive. 85 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,000 For those with an anxious attachment style, danger is only 86 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:22,240 ever one perception away. One Instagram story, one text, 1 87 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:27,120 misperceived facial expression or misconstrued tone of voice 88 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,800 can do the trick. The nervous system is naturally 89 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,960 perceptive, intuitively vigilant. 90 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,760 For anxious attachers, it's hyper vigilant and overly 91 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:42,120 sensitive, many times sensing danger where there is none or 92 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:45,960 far before a response or corrective action is warranted. 93 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:49,880 This is the essence of a trauma response, an action from the 94 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:53,560 nervous system motivated by survival and fueled by a flood 95 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,960 of chemicals, hormones, and energy in the brain and 96 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,600 throughout the body. While there are innumerable ways 97 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,080 to be triggered and thereby have our nervous system activated, 98 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:08,680 there are only four nervous system responses, fight, flight, 99 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,720 freeze, and fawn. As an anxious attacher, you're 100 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,880 likely familiar with all of them, having lived in survival 101 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,720 mode far more than the average person. 102 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,840 The brain wires the way it fires. 103 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:23,120 This is why repeated instability, inconsistency, and 104 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,640 invalidation is so damaging. We come to anticipate it and 105 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,400 expect it. This is also why folks who have 106 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,840 experienced relational and emotional trauma have such a 107 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:38,040 difficult time welcoming someone warm and affectionate into their 108 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:41,320 lives. They simply aren't accustomed to 109 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,520 it. It feels like a farce, an 110 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:47,640 uncomfortable charade inside what should be a comforting 111 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,880 reality. Our brain isn't wired to expect 112 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,720 it, and it feels deeply unusual and is sometimes even 113 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,040 unbearable. This is also why many anxious 114 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:02,400 attachers run away from emotional availability, even 115 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,560 though it's what they crave most deeply. 116 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,960 Your nervous system will almost always choose an uncomfortable 117 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:13,600 hell over a comfortable heaven, mostly because it seeks out 118 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,400 what's familiar, what it knows how to tolerate. 119 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:22,160 In this way, we often end up recreating traumatic dynamics in 120 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:26,480 the desperate hope to heal them, only to find that we've further 121 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:30,480 reinforced the wiring that led us to engage in the dynamic to 122 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,200 begin with. Trauma thwarts our natural 123 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,880 compass for safe relationships, turning the world upside down 124 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,440 and making it difficult to navigate with any real clarity. 125 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:44,800 In this way, we become like a pinball in a machine, bouncing 126 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,880 from 1 unsafe relationship to the next, further reinforcing 127 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,560 our perceived lack of worthiness and further strengthening the 128 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,000 pathways in the brain that anticipate this danger in the 129 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,080 future. And round and round we go. 130 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,320 Nervous system and emotional regulation, which I will use 131 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,680 interchangeably throughout the book since emotions are based in 132 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:09,360 the nervous system, have become cliche and even confusing 133 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,840 phrases used across the Internet, on social media apps, 134 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,280 and in circles centered on emotional healing. 135 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,680 Here's what it really means. Nervous system regulation is 136 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,440 nothing more than the extent to which you've learned to be 137 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,080 present with your feelings and your body. 138 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:29,800 Regulation requires attunement, flexibility and safety, and the 139 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,840 extent to which we learn how to do this is largely based on what 140 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:38,440 is modelled for us by our caregivers and later reinforced 141 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,679 in adult relationships, most of all with our romantic partners. 142 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:47,680 The nervous system asks to what extent can I trust both myself 143 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:52,040 and those around me? Do I believe my emotional needs 144 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:56,520 will be met most of the time? More often than not, do I feel 145 00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,880 fundamentally understood? The answers to these questions 146 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:05,120 shape our relational model, and that model has lasting effects 147 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,520 on our capability to connect easily with others and also 148 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,240 ourselves. It's also become cliche to say 149 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,960 that if you change your thoughts, you can change your 150 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,160 life. While this isn't wrong per SE, 151 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:22,160 it's actually backwards. You have to change your life to 152 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,680 change your thoughts. You have to structure your 153 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:28,640 day-to-day in such a way as to have a healthier relationship 154 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,880 with your mind, your body, and your spirit. 155 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:37,240 You have to prioritize slowing down long enough to feel instead 156 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,320 of trying to think your emotions. 157 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,280 You have to allow your body to regulate itself and provide the 158 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,800 opportunity for the energy to work its way out of your system. 159 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,080 You have to discover and practice ways of building in 160 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,960 more flexibility and tolerance of discomfort. 161 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,840 You have to surround yourself with people who are safe and 162 00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:00,200 stable and consistent. At least most of the time. 163 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,360 That's how you create the change you're seeking. 164 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,360 For anxious attachers and other trauma survivors, healing 165 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,600 doesn't start in the mind. It starts in the body. 166 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:14,320 Without feeling your feelings, without learning to navigate 167 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,920 uncertainty and discomfort, and allowing your body's natural 168 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,280 stress cycles and survival responses to complete 169 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:25,360 themselves, you'll only make incremental changes instead of 170 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,560 transcendental ones. You'll only partially heal. 171 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,240 You'll feel that gap between what's happening in the mind and 172 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:37,640 what's happening in the body. Emotional healing is roughly 20% 173 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:41,920 cognitive and 80% somatic or physiological. 174 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,920 Our stories aren't just written with words, they're imprinted in 175 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:49,040 our reactions. Look no further than how you 176 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,800 react when you're triggered to see the story your body is 177 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:56,080 telling you in that moment. It's saying I feel threatened. 178 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,360 This reminds me of something in the past that hurt me deeply. 179 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,200 I don't feel safe here. I don't have the capacity to 180 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:07,040 manage this. Listen to your body and learn to 181 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,040 recognize when your energy is shifting. 182 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,560 It will tell you all you need to know. 183 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,720 Dysregulation in the body drives distortions in thinking in the 184 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:19,600 mind. In this way, under feeling leads 185 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,920 to overthinking. We start to take things 186 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,200 personally. We catastrophize. 187 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,760 We jump to conclusions. We keep score. 188 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,640 We minimize the good and maximize the bad. 189 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,320 We think in extremes. We dissociate. 190 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,280 It's much easier to rationalize than it is to feel, to go up 191 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,040 into the mind, then to be down in the body. 192 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,720 In the end, we have nothing to show for these exhausting 193 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,400 efforts, as they are a distraction from the real issue 194 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,800 of focus on the effect rather than the cause. 195 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:55,640 Truth is, if you really want to better navigate your mind, you 196 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,240 have to learn to better regulate your body. 197 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,280 In this way. The phrase should really become 198 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:05,000 learn to be more at home in your body and you will change your 199 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,520 life. The more present we become in 200 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,120 our vessel, the more centered and grounded we become 201 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:13,400 emotionally. Our inner world becomes settled 202 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,160 instead of shaken, resilient instead of restless. 203 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,600 This naturally improves our relationship with ourselves, 204 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,280 including and especially with our mind. 205 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:26,880 Our relationships with everyone else around us follow suit, as 206 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,680 our ability to be present and connected with others is a 207 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,480 direct reflection of our ability to be present and connected with 208 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,040 ourselves. If you've struggled to advance 209 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,440 on your healing journey, it's likely because you've been 210 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:43,440 focused on your mind instead of your body, on your thoughts 211 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,720 instead of the dysregulation in your nervous system that causes 212 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:51,280 those thoughts to begin with. Expand your focus to include 213 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,560 techniques that don't just treat the symptoms, but also treat the 214 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:56,920 'cause. That includes techniques like 215 00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:01,800 meditation, breath work, body movement, exercise, cold 216 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,040 exposure, and more. We'll dive deeper into these 217 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,000 techniques in the second-half of the book. 218 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,160 For now, make a mental note and remember this. 219 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:14,760 You can't think your way out of a feeling and you shouldn't try. 220 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,640 Not only is this a form of self invalidation, but it doesn't 221 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:22,520 address the actual issue. To do that, we must dig deeper. 222 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:27,800 We must feel, We must regulate. There's your physical age and 223 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,520 your emotional one. The former is self-explanatory 224 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,720 and commonly understood, the latter is not. 225 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,040 Your emotional age is a reflection of the level of 226 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:41,920 emotional maturity and acuity you've developed based on 227 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,280 previous experiences and relationships. 228 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,000 In other words, it's a representation of how skilled 229 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,600 and secure you are in communicating with others and 230 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:55,480 expressing feelings, as well as the ability to hold space for 231 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,720 others and experience discomfort within yourself. 232 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:03,160 Those of us who have experienced trauma become emotionally 233 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,720 trapped at the age we were when the trauma first occurred. 234 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,080 Our ability to regulate our bodies and experience our 235 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:14,840 feelings, especially challenging ones like invalidation and 236 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:19,400 rejection, frustration and disappointment, becomes stunted 237 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,800 in this way. You might be a successful 238 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:26,840 20304050 or even 60 something, but your ability to cope is 239 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:31,320 reflective of the skills of a typical 5-6 or seven-year old. 240 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,840 To add insult to injury, those of us who didn't have healthy 241 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:39,440 relationships and emotional regulation modeled for us often 242 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:44,720 unconsciously seek out similarly painful relational dynamics, 243 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,640 which only further reinforces our level of immaturity. 244 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,560 Human beings are impulsive, reactive, and reflexive 245 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,240 creatures. That's because at our core, 246 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,800 we're emotional beings, as much as we want them to. 247 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:03,760 Emotions don't make sense and don't abide by the firm rules of 248 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,200 logic and rationality. They aren't based on fact. 249 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,920 They're based on experience. And what could be more 250 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,600 subjective than our individual myopic point of view, than our 251 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,120 personal experience? The limbic or emotional center 252 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:22,160 of the brain is one of the first areas to develop, and that's 253 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,720 because it's also one of the most primitive. 254 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,600 It's no wonder then, that we feel so deeply. 255 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:30,200 It's no wonder that our emotions hijack us. 256 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:34,320 They're located in the driver's seat at the very center of the 257 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,720 brain. Using logic to control our 258 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,800 emotions is like trying to drive the car from outside of the 259 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,320 vehicle. It just doesn't work like that. 260 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,400 When you're dysregulated and your emotions have you in a 261 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:49,600 chokehold, all you can do is sit in the passenger seat and let 262 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,680 the car run its course. At some point, we have to stand 263 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,280 up and take accountability for our participation in the 264 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,680 perpetuation of these dynamics, in the persistence of our 265 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,440 patterns. Contrary to how it sounds, this 266 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,880 is not about blame, which keeps us locked in victimhood and 267 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,840 shame. It's about stepping up and 268 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,920 taking responsibility for ourselves. 269 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,440 As I remind my clients all the time, if you didn't have healthy 270 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:17,320 relationships modeled for you growing up and you haven't had 271 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:21,200 safe and stable partnerships in your adult life, where were you 272 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,440 supposed to learn how? We learned through our 273 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,040 experiences. If you've lacked safe, connected 274 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,120 experiences throughout your life, it's natural for you to 275 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,360 expect more of the same and to not know how to show up in a 276 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:39,360 healthy and secure way. It's natural not to know how to 277 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,720 navigate conflict and relational repair. 278 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,600 It's natural not to know how to talk about your feelings. 279 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:49,080 Even though relationships are critical for health, wealth, and 280 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:53,080 happiness, many of us have no clue how to actually build and 281 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,600 sustain healthy ones, how to navigate conflict situations or 282 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,040 express ourselves emotionally. We certainly don't emerge from 283 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:03,360 the womb this way. To say that we are born a blank 284 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,200 slate means that our nervous system is brand new, a fresh 285 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,000 page upon which the outer world can make an impression. 286 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:12,440 Sadly, for many on the insecure side of the attachment spectrum, 287 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:16,200 this impression becomes a dark one defined by instability and 288 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,920 invalidation, an inconsistent environment in which we learn to 289 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:23,400 expect the worst from those who are supposed to give us their 290 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:27,079 best. Many of us learned to expect an 291 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,480 insecure home base instead of a secure one. 292 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,320 This doesn't happen overnight. Over time and across 293 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,440 experiences, we become conditioned to believe that our 294 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:40,240 needs won't get met and in fact, never mattered at all. 295 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,280 It's no wonder then, that we become triggered at the first 296 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:47,000 sign of abandonment. While there are innumerable ways 297 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,720 to become triggered for the pain of the past to claw its way up 298 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,920 to the surface, there's only one healthy way to respond to it, 299 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,560 and that's to learn to regulate your nervous system. 300 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,720 Think about it like this. Being triggered, being put into 301 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,200 nervous system dysregulation can work in two different ways. 302 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:08,120 We can either experience hyper arousal in the form of 303 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:12,560 overreacting or we can experience hypo arousal in the 304 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:16,920 form of under reacting. Hyper arousal takes place in the 305 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,280 sympathetic nervous system, which activates our body and 306 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:23,080 brain and causes us to go into fight or flight mode. 307 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,360 Hypo arousal happens in the parasympathetic branch of the 308 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:31,680 nervous system and causes us to deactivate or go into freeze 309 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,240 mode. It's also possible to experience 310 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:38,680 a blended state of both the sympathetic and parasympathetic 311 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:42,600 systems, whereby we simultaneously experience hyper 312 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:47,000 arousal and hypo arousal. In other words, it's possible to 313 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:51,080 experience a blended state of both fight or flight and freeze 314 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,280 responses. This state is commonly referred 315 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:58,800 to as a fawn response. Together, these survival 316 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,640 responses represent how we react to triggers in our environment. 317 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,680 To regulate the nervous system and get ourselves back to 318 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:10,920 baseline, we must down regulate out of hyper arousal and up 319 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:15,280 regulate out of hypo arousal to become flexible enough to 320 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:19,080 experience anything that occurs, but in particular the 321 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,480 sympathetic fight or flight response and the parasympathetic 322 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,680 freeze response. In addition to our response to 323 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,840 present dysregulation, it's vital that we actively expand 324 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:33,480 our capacity for it in the future, growing our ability to 325 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:37,600 manage discomfort and stress. We'll expand on ways to do this 326 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,560 in the second-half of the book. We'll also expand on the 327 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,720 importance of both self and Co regulation. 328 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:48,000 For now, just know that nervous system regulation is not only 329 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:52,440 possible, it's imperative for you to advance on your healing 330 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,760 journey and develop a secure attachment style. 331 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,960 And it's often the missing link so many people are searching for 332 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,800 on their healing journey. It was Bessel van der COK, 333 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,840 psychiatrist and author of the number one New York Times 334 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:09,480 bestseller The Body Keeps the Score, who famously wrote that 335 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:13,280 trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory. 336 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,640 The evidence of this truth is written in the impressions left 337 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,640 in our bodies, the dysregulation in our nervous system that 338 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:23,960 arises when we're triggered by an external stimulus or our 339 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,040 internal perception of it, or both. 340 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:30,440 Every anxious attachor alive has felt this empirical truth. 341 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,800 Look no further than what most upsets you in the present to 342 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,920 point you in the direction of what traumatized you in the 343 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,560 past. Your triggers are guideposts to 344 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,680 your trauma. They resulted from it. 345 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,840 They are tiny pockets of residual energy leftover from 346 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,080 the initial wounding events, working their way up to the 347 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:53,760 surface to be released. Your reactions in this moment 348 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:57,960 tell you precisely what's rising that requires your attention, 349 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,560 what needs integrating and healing. 350 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,360 Triggers are external stimuli that bring up internal 351 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,920 impressions from similar situations that have previously 352 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,280 occurred. Something happens that reminds 353 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:13,760 you of being hurt in the past and it creates a trauma, 354 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,200 survival, or stress response in the body. 355 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,600 The nervous system is activated and energy is mobilized to 356 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,760 respond to the threat. Keep in mind, your brain and 357 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:26,000 nervous system can't tell the difference between a perceived 358 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:30,480 threat and an actual one, and you will have the same response 359 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,440 regardless of whether it's necessary or warranted. 360 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,400 Triggers are present reminders of past pain. 361 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,560 Contrary to how that sounds, looks, and feels, triggers are 362 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,560 actually incredibly valuable. They not only show us what 363 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,960 matters most to us, they also demonstrate where we could most 364 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,440 benefit from working to heal. Triggers are pockets of energy 365 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,600 from prior traumatizing experiences coming up to the 366 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,240 surface to be released. When treated with consciousness, 367 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,560 compassion, and care, these experiences can help guide us to 368 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,880 a more grounded and secure place from an emotional standpoint. 369 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:09,040 When they're not treated with curiosity, love, and intention, 370 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,640 they can wreak havoc on our relationships, our bodies, and 371 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,440 our lives. Do your best not to judge 372 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,840 yourself for what triggers you. Every trigger is an opportunity 373 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:21,320 for your healing because it shows you where you need to let 374 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,880 go and let be. That said, there are some common 375 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,160 triggers that I often see in my work. 376 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,720 Anxious attachors tend to be most sensitive about 377 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:36,440 communication, inclusion, and prioritization, and that's 378 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,960 because our wounds are often based on feeling rejected, UN 379 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,960 prioritized, and left in the dark throughout our lives. 380 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,200 Dysregulation and regulation are neither good nor bad in the same 381 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:51,520 way that desiring connection and being wired for survival is 382 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:54,800 neither good nor bad. They're a part of human nature. 383 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,520 However, repeated dysregulation can cause undue stress on your 384 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,560 body, bring you out of the present moment, and even take 385 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:06,120 years off of your life. Your body doing what it believes 386 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:10,240 it needs to do in order to survive is not wrong, but like 387 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,040 all things, it does come at a price. 388 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,240 Staying in survival mode means staying in stress mode. 389 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,680 Staying in stress mode means burning through your body's 390 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:23,360 energy and finite resources. That's a heavy burden for you to 391 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,960 bear, for your mind, body, and spirit to carry. 392 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:30,040 All the more reason why learning to regulate your nervous system 393 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:34,240 and use your body's resources efficiently has its upsides. 394 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:38,240 Doctor Steven Porges, who's renowned polyvagal theory goes 395 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:42,160 into depth on how the nervous system operates and heals, says 396 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,520 trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by 397 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:49,280 replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection. 398 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,840 This is why the dysregulation that is caused by trauma is so 399 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,240 damaging. Not only does it cause us to 400 00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:00,920 overprotect and remain in a survival state, it also prevents 401 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,720 us from experiencing the very connection we need in order to 402 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,840 heal the pattern. And so it continues to repeat. 403 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:12,080 This is the same cycle I introduced just a few chapters 404 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,440 ago, one marked by the stages of trauma, codependency, and 405 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:19,720 abandonment, and driven by dysregulation, addiction, and 406 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,040 stress. In order to heal, we have to 407 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:27,080 address these core experiences. In the end, we repeat what we 408 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,200 don't repair. The body naturally defaults to 409 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,600 survival. For those of us with an anxious 410 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,640 attachment style who've repeatedly experienced trauma 411 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,200 and disconnection throughout our lives, that default becomes even 412 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,640 more deeply ingrained. Until we can no longer focus on 413 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,680 thriving at all. Until we lose ourselves in our 414 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:50,880 relationships, Until we become hypersensitive, hyper aroused, 415 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,920 hyper vigilant, and then we know little else. 416 00:24:55,920 --> 00:25:00,640 OK, so that chapter helps to not only introduce nervous system 417 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:04,120 dysregulation, but also answer some of the core questions that 418 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,760 we're hoping to address in this episode. 419 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,560 That includes what is nervous system dysregulation? 420 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,520 How is it connected to being triggered? 421 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,880 Those are those pockets of pain from the past that are coming 422 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:18,520 back up for release. Now, what are the causes of 423 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:21,320 nervous system dysregulation in the past and present? 424 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,920 So a lack of communication, a lack of inclusion, a lack of 425 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:28,480 prioritization, etcetera. I want to transition though to 426 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:31,480 answering the next question, which is how has nervous system 427 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,040 dysregulation shown up in my own life? 428 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,840 Personally, there are some things that still trigger me. 429 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,080 Maybe not as deeply as they used to, but there are still some 430 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:45,080 things that really just hit at some core wounds for me, and 431 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:49,000 that includes when people are distant or inconsistent. 432 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:53,000 When folks switch up their energy on me, it hits me deeply 433 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,960 and I find it to be hurtful. I'm sure many people listening 434 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,120 to this or watching this can relate to that as well. 435 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:02,200 I also find that I grow most dysregulated when I'm out of my 436 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,920 normal routine. So maybe I've been traveling, 437 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,400 maybe someone from out of town is visiting. 438 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:13,360 Maybe I'm just busier with social engagements and or work 439 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,440 than normal and just have less time for myself. 440 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,600 Maybe something throws off my sleep schedule and I'm tired and 441 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:24,880 cranky, but no matter what it is, when I'm not getting the 442 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:28,840 basics down, things like sleep, breath work, hydration, 443 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:32,200 nutrition, it can throw off my system. 444 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:36,360 And I find that this is also true for the clients that I work 445 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:38,680 with. So when they might be in a 446 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,440 particularly busy or stressful time at work, when they're not 447 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:46,880 sleeping well, when maybe they just got back from a vacation or 448 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:50,040 maybe even business travel and they just haven't had a whole 449 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:54,280 lot of time to themselves, it makes it a lot easier to slip 450 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,760 into a state of nervous system dysregulation. 451 00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:01,920 So just clock that for yourself because making sure you're 452 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,760 focusing on the essentials is critical. 453 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:07,600 If you think about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, right? 454 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:12,520 Like getting your needs for food and shelter and breath and water 455 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,600 met are essential. So if you're out of your normal 456 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,000 routine and you're super busy and you're not drinking enough 457 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,840 water, and if you're not sleeping well, of course that's 458 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,400 going to throw everything off. And I definitely noticed that 459 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,680 for myself. Now in terms of the question how 460 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,960 is nervous system dysregulation connected to the experience of 461 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:35,240 anxious attached, remember that it is a part of that cycle of 462 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,680 anxious attachment that we've been unpacking in the show so 463 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:42,600 far by talking about trauma, abandonment, codependency, now 464 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:46,160 nervous system dysregulation, and we'll also talk about stress 465 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:50,800 aversion and addiction in future episodes as well. 466 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,400 But we've been going through this step by step, and we've 467 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,160 gotten to this point in the process to nervous system 468 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:01,680 dysregulation, repeated experiences of trauma, which is 469 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,720 one of the other steps in the cycle of anxious attachment, 470 00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:09,480 abandonment, another step, and codependency, yet another step 471 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:13,240 'cause our nervous system to become hypersensitive and to 472 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,600 expect similar experiences to occur again. 473 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,400 Dysregulation is also a reflection of our relationship 474 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,720 with stress and the extent to which we are relying on 475 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:25,200 addictions to help us cope with our emotions. 476 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,760 So you can see how all of this fits together. 477 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:33,040 But nervous system dysregulation might be the most important 478 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:37,560 aspect of the entire cycle because it really causes 479 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:40,640 everything else. Let's unpack a concrete example 480 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,600 here. So let's say that your ex 481 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:46,320 cheated on you. I think we would all agree that 482 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:50,840 experiences of infidelity in a relationship can be really 483 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:55,120 damaging and hurtful because their experiences of abandonment 484 00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:58,600 and many people listening to this or watching have likely 485 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:01,160 experienced that. But I think we'd all agree that 486 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:06,280 experiences of infidelity are incredibly challenging and 487 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:10,760 obviously would cause us to go into a state of dysregulation. 488 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,440 But when that happens, we tend to become hyper vigilant. 489 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:17,680 We're then looking for signs to prove our theories right or our 490 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:19,560 hunches. So we start snooping and 491 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,200 stalking and sleuthing. We might go through our partners 492 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:25,960 phone or e-mail or their social media accounts. 493 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:29,440 Eventually we find out the truth and we might confront them. 494 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:32,440 Usually we're met with defensiveness and deflection and 495 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,360 denial. This kind of instability and 496 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,760 lack of safety in a relationship erodes self worth and self 497 00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:42,200 trust, and it makes it harder to trust people and connect with 498 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:46,120 folks in the future because our nervous system is primed and 499 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:49,320 ready to protect us in case it might happen again. 500 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:52,120 I know this because it happened to me. 501 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:56,360 I caught an ex of mine sending explicit pictures and exchanging 502 00:29:56,720 --> 00:30:01,040 lewd messages with dozens of guys and it devastated me. 503 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:04,600 Not only was I unable to trust him again, which ultimately led 504 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:07,880 to the demise of our relationship, but I then 505 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:11,160 expected other guys to treat me the exact same way. 506 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,680 I was always on alert after that. 507 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:18,000 I asked invasive questions about who they knew and what they were 508 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:21,440 doing or not doing. I checked in constantly. 509 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,880 I asked them if they'd ever cheated on anyone before. 510 00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:28,480 I made it clear that I wanted monogamy in a relationship. 511 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:32,360 And while these aren't bad things per SE, they did 512 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:35,600 demonstrate that I needed to work on accepting what had 513 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:39,040 happened and also provide my nervous system with the safety 514 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:42,480 it needed, which was not the responsibility of the people 515 00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:46,280 that I was just getting to know. While I know that's an extreme 516 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:50,520 example, you can insert other things that might be triggering 517 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:56,360 like lying or withholding information or being not super 518 00:30:56,360 --> 00:31:00,080 available in terms of scheduling dates or seeing one another, 519 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:04,120 spending quality time together. And you can see similar patterns 520 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:07,800 emerge here. It causes a hyper sensitivity 521 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,640 and a hyper vigilance. We're then scanning the 522 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:14,600 environment for any signs we might get left or abandoned or 523 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:17,200 hurt again. And then the cycle continues 524 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:20,040 raging from there. And This is why when you go 525 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:24,200 through experiences that lack the safety and stability and 526 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:28,520 compassion and comfort and consistency that anyone would 527 00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:30,800 need in a relationship, especially folks who have been 528 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:35,880 through trauma, you can see why. This then starts to create a 529 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:39,360 pattern of protection within yourself where you're not 530 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:42,400 connecting deeply with the other person and you're expecting them 531 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,360 to treat you like your ex treated you or like other people 532 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,400 treated you. At the end of the day, all know 533 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:50,000 what nervous system dysregulation looks and feels 534 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:52,560 like. There are a ton of examples in 535 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:56,000 day-to-day life that if you just stop and take a step back and 536 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:59,080 reflect on them, you can see very clearly that they're 537 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,000 dysregulation. But it naturally begs the 538 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:04,440 question, OK, Chris, what can I do about it now? 539 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:07,040 So let's talk about how you can learn to regulate your nervous 540 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:09,520 system. The thing about nervous system 541 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,960 dysregulation is that once it starts, it snowballs really 542 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:15,320 easily. And that's because nervous 543 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:18,600 system dysregulation depletes us, and it makes it more 544 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:20,920 challenging to focus on the things that will be replenishing 545 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:24,320 for our system. Take sleep, for example. 546 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,200 When you're dysregulated, it becomes challenging to sleep 547 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,440 well. Even if you can fall asleep, you 548 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,400 probably won't stay asleep for long. 549 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,480 You'll toss and turn. Things are weighing pretty 550 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:38,000 heavily on you in this state. Your system is activated and 551 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,400 that survival energy won't let you get a good night's rest. 552 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:44,680 Your mind is going to be racing and you can't really turn that 553 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:45,920 off. It's very difficult. 554 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:50,760 But when that happens and you lose sleep, it depletes your 555 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,720 system even more and causes further dysregulation. 556 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:56,600 This is why one of the best things you can do when you're 557 00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:59,200 dysregulated is to meet your basic needs. 558 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,320 So this is the first step with nervous system dysregulation. 559 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:07,000 Focus on sleep, hydration, nutrition, connection, breath 560 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:10,760 work, and body movement. Drink water, eat nutritious 561 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:14,360 foods, call your best friend and go out to dinner with a family 562 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,960 member. Sit and breathe deeply for a few 563 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,720 moments. It's cliche, but it works. 564 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:23,480 Put down your devices and go for a walk. 565 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:27,320 So many of us are super triggered by the news and 566 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,160 compare ourselves constantly to other people. 567 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:33,040 Put your devices down and go touch grass. 568 00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,800 Literally. Take some magnesium or 569 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:39,840 ashwagandha and go to bed early. Give your body what it needs to 570 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,360 replenish itself and restore a sense of balance. 571 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:44,800 And I do need to say that when it comes to taking any 572 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:47,560 supplements, please make sure that you consult a medical 573 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:51,760 doctor or professional before taking any kind of supplement. 574 00:33:51,760 --> 00:33:54,200 The next thing I want to recommend when it comes to 575 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:57,360 nervous system dysregulation is a very simple tool. 576 00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:03,360 It is just a couple of questions which are what is it that I need 577 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:07,320 in this moment? What would help me feel safer 578 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:12,239 and more secure right now? Notice the language I'm using. 579 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,080 What is it that I need in this moment? 580 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:19,679 What would help me feel safer and more secure right now? 581 00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:25,719 This is about learning to turn inwards and to ask yourself, 582 00:34:26,199 --> 00:34:29,920 what is it that would be helpful right now that I can give to 583 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,320 myself? So the first movement is 584 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:36,120 inwards, then we go outwards after that. 585 00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:39,880 But many people switch these things up and they go to other 586 00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:42,920 people and they expect them to regulate them in a state of 587 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:44,880 frenetic energy and dysregulation. 588 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,760 When they're all over the place. That's really hard to do. 589 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:51,440 It's very difficult for other people to sit with that kind of 590 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:56,320 stress and energy. So the first movement is always 591 00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:57,840 in words. Always in words. 592 00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:00,680 So ask yourself, what is it that I can give myself right now that 593 00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:05,080 would just help me to feel calmer, more at ease, and safer 594 00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:07,360 in this moment? As I mentioned in the chapter 595 00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:10,440 that I read from the book Needy No More nervous system 596 00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:14,240 regulation is about cultivating presence for discomfort now as 597 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:17,880 well as building tolerance for discomfort and stress in the 598 00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:20,480 future. I think it's important to note 599 00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:24,720 that there's a reason why repeated created experiences of 600 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:29,960 trauma lead to PTSD and see PTSD or complex PTSD. 601 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:35,920 The PTS in PTSD stands for Post traumatic stress. 602 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,640 That means when a similar stressful situation happens now 603 00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:43,560 that reminds us of something that happened before, it can 604 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:46,520 throw our entire system off and make us feel like we're right 605 00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:48,880 back in that previous experience. 606 00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:52,120 In the book The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der KOK talks 607 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:57,120 about how yoga and other kind of Eastern approaches or 608 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,280 alternative approaches can really help with this. 609 00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:04,160 So I recommend that as well. That's why I have my clients 610 00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:09,080 meditate because learning to sit with and notice the sensations 611 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:13,200 in your body is incredibly helpful for being able to hold 612 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,960 space for stress when it comes up in the future. 613 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:19,800 And those of us who are anxious attachers know that it comes up 614 00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:23,320 very easily and there are many ways that it can be triggered. 615 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:27,400 So that's another thing to consider here to learning to 616 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:30,280 build presents and also tolerance for discomfort in the 617 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,360 future. One of the techniques that I 618 00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:37,080 find most beneficial for doing this is actually cold exposure, 619 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:41,560 and I wanted to single that out because so many people don't 620 00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:44,480 even consider what cold exposure can do for them. 621 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:49,840 When you take a cold shower or submerge your hands or head in 622 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:54,160 ice cold water, it puts the body in a stress response. 623 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:57,280 Your nervous system gets activated and you're triggered. 624 00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:01,640 So it gives you an opportunity to practice your response to 625 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:04,400 that stress reaction or trauma response. 626 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:09,200 And why this is important is because you can learn to breathe 627 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:13,080 through that and practice it in a controlled way. 628 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:17,320 It's one of the best ways I've found in terms of techniques 629 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:21,160 that can help to increase your nervous system's capacity for 630 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:25,960 better managing stress. It's sort of like a workout for 631 00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:30,080 your nervous system that builds the muscle of tolerance and 632 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:33,200 expands your window of tolerance for stress. 633 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:37,000 So keep that in mind as well. I also find that maintaining a 634 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:42,360 proactive daily nervous system regulation practice is critical 635 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:44,640 for this very reason. One of the very first things I 636 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:48,240 have my clients do when they enroll in my coaching program is 637 00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:51,480 to start a daily nervous system regulation practice. 638 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:55,280 This helps to provide the safety and stability so many of us 639 00:37:55,280 --> 00:38:00,080 crave and end up projecting onto the relationships around us. 640 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:04,520 That same practice that I have my coaching clients complete is 641 00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:08,960 available for download with my Anxious Attachment Style Healing 642 00:38:09,240 --> 00:38:10,800 Tool kit. If you go to 643 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:15,440 cracklift.com/starter kit, you can download that and you'll get 644 00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:18,120 the daily nervous system regulation practice as well as a 645 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:21,840 tracker to help you to hold yourself accountable and to do 646 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:26,040 the 9 steps every day so that you're teaching your nervous 647 00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:31,400 system again proactively, that it does have safety in that you 648 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:34,640 are consistent and that your needs will get met. 649 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:38,200 The more that you do this, the more you can write over a lot of 650 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:42,440 the pain from the past. There are also 5C's that I want 651 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,040 you to remember when it comes to better regulating your nervous 652 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:46,920 system. They are as follows. 653 00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:53,720 Compassion, consistency, clarity, communication, and 654 00:38:53,720 --> 00:38:57,920 collaboration. The first C is compassion for 655 00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:01,560 yourself. Being softer, gentler, and more 656 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,760 compassionate with yourself helps tremendously. 657 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:08,200 And yet, as anxious attachers, we tend to do the exact 658 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:10,800 opposite. We're really self-conscious, 659 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,240 self judge, mental and self critical. 660 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:16,960 We're really hard on ourselves and apply so much pressure. 661 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:21,200 We're some of the most self deprecating people I've ever met 662 00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:24,160 or I've ever known. Learning to do the opposite 663 00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:27,600 helps tremendously. So catching ourselves when we're 664 00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:30,400 about to beat ourselves up and instead validating our 665 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:35,160 experience is a game changer. It helps a ton if you catch 666 00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:38,960 yourself being super self critical, stop in the middle of 667 00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,960 the thought and replace it with I'm learning to be more 668 00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:45,920 compassionate with myself. I'm learning to be more 669 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:51,040 compassionate with myself. The second C is consistency. 670 00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:54,000 Consistency is the language of safety. 671 00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:57,120 The more consistent you are with yourself, and the more 672 00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:01,000 consistent others are with you as well, the safer you will 673 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:02,720 feel. Your nervous system will learn 674 00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:05,200 that things are stable and secure. 675 00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:09,280 Consistency now can write over a lot of inconsistency from the 676 00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:11,800 past. The third C is clarity. 677 00:40:12,480 --> 00:40:15,040 Transparency is a love language for someone with an anxious 678 00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:18,200 attachment style. Having someone proactively 679 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:21,280 manage our expectations and provide clarity about how 680 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:25,160 they're feeling is incredibly thoughtful and loving, and makes 681 00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:29,400 us feel considered, satisfying, a deep need for inclusion that 682 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:32,040 many of us hold dear. It's also important to stop and 683 00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:35,080 get clear about how we're feeling so we can express that 684 00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,800 with others as needed. Speaking of the fourth C is 685 00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:41,120 communication. Being able to talk about 686 00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:45,120 anything at any time with someone who is important to us 687 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,960 is a huge weight off of an anxious attacher. 688 00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:52,440 Knowing that you'll be greeted with receptivity and open arms 689 00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:56,680 cultivates emotional security. But rarely, if ever, does 690 00:40:56,680 --> 00:41:00,080 opening up about how we feel come without fear or doubt or 691 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:03,200 insecurity. Recognizing that these are signs 692 00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:06,720 that we're doing what we need to do, rather than signs to shut 693 00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:10,640 down, is important. The 5th and final C is 694 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,400 collaboration. Teamwork is the name of the 695 00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,400 game. The more you feel like you can 696 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,760 work with instead of against one another, the healthier that 697 00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:22,280 particular relationship will become, and the more secure and 698 00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:26,680 regulated you will feel as well. This also means learning to 699 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:30,560 collaborate with your own nervous system, and that means 700 00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:33,280 meeting it where it's at. As I remind my coaching clients 701 00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:36,720 all the time, you have to learn to work with the energy of your 702 00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:40,800 system rather than against it. So stop fighting against 703 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:43,440 yourself. If you're upset, you're upset. 704 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:45,480 Don't try to convince yourself that you're not. 705 00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:48,520 Don't try to invalidate yourself into regulation. 706 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:52,920 It doesn't work. Stop and say, I'm feeling very 707 00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:55,080 deeply right now. I'm a little upset. 708 00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:57,240 I'm feeling triggered. I'm going to sit with this for a 709 00:41:57,240 --> 00:41:59,760 couple of minutes. A final thing I want to note 710 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:04,400 today is that nervous system regulation isn't just about self 711 00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:07,800 regulation. Of course that's important, but 712 00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:12,600 Co regulation is also essential. We need other people. 713 00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:15,840 I've been saying that again and again in the show because I 714 00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:19,400 really want you to understand. Wanting connection with others 715 00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:22,640 and wanting to talk through things with others is not a bad 716 00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:27,320 thing, and it is a valid desire and need to hold dear. 717 00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:32,400 But as with anything, it's necessary to find a balance 718 00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:37,720 between the two, so between self and Co regulation rather than 719 00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:40,400 just living at one or both extremes. 720 00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:44,440 And that means leaning on others just as much as leaning on 721 00:42:44,440 --> 00:42:47,440 ourselves. And because as anxious attachers 722 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:51,160 we tend to be so dependent on others to the point of 723 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:55,840 codependency and loss of self or self abandonment, the work 724 00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:59,880 really is about learning to lean on ourselves and learning to 725 00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:02,880 self regulate. And there you have it, nervous 726 00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:07,680 system dysregulation. It is connected very deeply and 727 00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:11,080 very deeply ingrained into the experience of anxious 728 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,680 attachment. I hope you found some of the 729 00:43:13,720 --> 00:43:18,400 techniques and tips from today useful, and if so, would love if 730 00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:22,440 you could rate and review the show, maybe leave a comment on 731 00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:26,200 Spotify, and perhaps share this episode with someone that you 732 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:30,680 think it might resonate with. As always, I am deeply grateful 733 00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:32,520 and I'm sending love to all of you. 734 00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:35,560 I'll see you next week on the Needy No More podcast.