1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,400 Hello everyone, and welcome back to Needy No More, the podcast 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:07,360 dedicated to healing the anxious attachment style. 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:10,480 I'm your host, anxious attachment style coach and 4 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:14,000 author Chris Ratcliffe. I've helped thousands of people 5 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:18,200 across 6 continents to end the cycle of anxious attachment 6 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,920 through my books, workshops, digital downloads, and coaching 7 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:23,760 program. I'm excited to carry on that 8 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,480 mission here, sharing tools and techniques, principles and 9 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:31,880 practices for you to explore on your journey to growing more 10 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,160 secure. Welcome back everyone. 11 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:38,600 I am super excited about today's episode because we are wrapping 12 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:42,400 up our discussion of the cycle of anxious attachment. 13 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:46,480 Today we'll be talking about the final two steps in the process, 14 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:50,280 which are addiction and stress. There are some questions I'm 15 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,200 going to answer in today's episode, so to give you a little 16 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,040 preview, here's what we're going to be covering. 17 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:59,320 What is stress and how does it relate to addiction? 18 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,520 What is love addiction? How does stress factor into the 19 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,800 experience of anxious attachment? 20 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:10,160 How does stress relate to safety and why is that important? 21 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,960 What is cortisol and what are some ways you can reduce your 22 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,320 cortisol levels and lower stress? 23 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,480 How does cortisol relate to adrenaline? 24 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:22,720 And last but certainly not least, how can you interrupt the 25 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,800 cycle of addiction? The very first thing I'm going 26 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:30,440 to do today is to read a chapter from Needy No More, which is 27 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,160 called Addicted to Love and Stress. 28 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:37,240 It was the best first date I've ever had. 29 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:41,040 Clanking our wine glasses and resting them on the edge of his 30 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:45,040 roof, I too felt like I was on the precipice of something truly 31 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,200 risky, truly special, truly sacred. 32 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:52,360 He picked me up and softly pushed my back against the wall 33 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:56,120 of a nearby vestibule, his heart pounding and pulsating against 34 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,760 mine. His eyes crinkled up with joy, 35 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,360 the twilight catching their glacier blue hue in the dying 36 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,840 light. Our giddiness escaped as 37 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:09,639 laughter, inescapable bear hugs and sweet sumptuous kisses, a 38 00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:12,880 much needed release of the escalating energy between us. 39 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:16,720 Back in his loft a few moments later, the dulcet tones of 40 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,640 Mariah Carey danced to the beat of his cocktail shaker. 41 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:23,760 After several beverages and multiple make out sessions, we 42 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:27,280 fell asleep on the couch, his arms wrapped tightly around me 43 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:32,560 and his head nuzzled in my neck. It was simple, it was pure, it 44 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,560 was blissful. I floated home the next morning, 45 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:39,760 a flutter with infatuation, excitement, and limerance. 46 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:44,320 I was smitten in the throes of a consuming crush, unable to 47 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,920 detain my desires and let the proverbial chips fall as they 48 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,960 may. We began texting incessantly, 49 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,640 planning two more dates that week alone. 50 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,520 I was taken by the belief of what we could become. 51 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,840 I thought about how proud I'd be to be his boyfriend, how easy it 52 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,760 was to be around him, how kinetic and concrete our 53 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,680 connection seemed to be. Until it wasn't. 54 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:11,440 After our third date, the texts began to dwindle, and the plans 55 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,080 soon did too. Sensing his distance both 56 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:18,080 physically and emotionally, I made plea after plea for him to 57 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,000 share what he felt. After all, what could have 58 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,280 possibly changed in such a short period of time? 59 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,120 But each bid was met with more distance, more confusion, until 60 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:33,320 there was only silence and pain. Deep, simmering pain. 61 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,560 The kind that keeps you awake at night, tears shaking out from 62 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,520 the depths of your diaphragm. The kind of loss that takes you 63 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,760 months from which to recover. The kind of intensity that 64 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:49,320 creates a form of emotional withdrawal even after just a few 65 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,280 dates. Think about all the times you've 66 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,200 craved the attention, affection, and validation of someone on 67 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,560 whom you were crushing, in whom you were interested, or with 68 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,600 whom you were in a relationship. Recall your fixation on their 69 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:05,040 behavior, the hyper vigilance and emotional monitoring in 70 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,040 which you engaged. Sit with the uncomfortable 71 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:12,360 reality of the protest behavior to which you resorted to try to 72 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,160 get your needs met. Remember the intense checking of 73 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:19,160 their social media, how you'd reread every message to decipher 74 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,680 if their feelings had changed? Realize what the separation 75 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:25,520 anxiety and withdrawal you experienced after spending a lot 76 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,560 of time with them was trying to tell you. 77 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,680 Ultimately, there are reasons why we engage in these pathways 78 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,360 of thinking and behaving, and that is because they are 79 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,040 textbook indicators of addiction. 80 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:43,720 In fact, in her book Facing Love Addiction, author Pia Melody 81 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,760 defines anxious attachment as the experience of love 82 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,800 addiction, identifying the love addict as someone who is 83 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:55,640 dependent on in, meshed with, and compulsively focused on 84 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,120 taking care of another person. But it's also so much more. 85 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,720 To me, love addiction is an all consuming experience defined by 86 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,880 obsessive thinking about a partner and compulsive behaviors 87 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:12,480 to create more intensity and closeness with them in the hopes 88 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,240 of not being left, cheated on or abandoned. 89 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:21,800 Marked by extremely high highs and extremely low lows, love 90 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,000 addiction mirrors other addictive cycles and not only 91 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,360 their intensity, but also their instability. 92 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,080 Much of that intensity and instability also mirrors the 93 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,080 environments in which we were raised and relationships in 94 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:39,000 which we participated. I know this is true for me. 95 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,720 Ever since I can remember, I've been a little bit boy crazy. 96 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:46,400 Like many anxious attachers, I've always longed for someone 97 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,920 to show up and choose me. To save me from my trauma and 98 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:54,200 whisk me off into the sunset to be a knight in shining armor and 99 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,080 rescue me. It wasn't until I began my 100 00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:01,080 healing journey that I realized these desires were a projection 101 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:05,240 of my own ability to save and heal myself and grow more 102 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:09,400 secure, an abdication of my uniquely personal responsibility 103 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:14,440 to confront my shadow, the dark night of the soul that only I 104 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,320 could undergo. But this river ran deep for me. 105 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,400 By the time I grew serious about my healing in my mid to late 106 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:24,360 20s, many of these cycles and patterns had been on repeat for 107 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,480 two decades. I had my first crush when I was 108 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,800 10 years old. His name was Mr. Hill and he was 109 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,680 a college aged teaching assistant to my 5th grade 110 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,080 teacher. I was smitten. 111 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:40,440 I remember his broad shoulders, his short brown hair, and his 112 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,720 adorable smile. The way he flowed freely through 113 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:47,680 the room with an empathetic air of confidence and authority. 114 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,880 He was statuesque and sweet, like a Greek God that had 115 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:56,600 swooped down into my class, gracing us with his heavenly, 116 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,960 gentle presence. I couldn't take my eyes off of 117 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,880 him. Even then, before I had words to 118 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,840 describe this phenomenon, I was infatuated with a strong, 119 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:11,160 masculine, handsome man. I wanted to feel protected. 120 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:15,080 I wanted to feel cared for. I wanted to feel safe. 121 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,400 Mr. Hill was the physical representation of that, the 122 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:23,000 symbol of an ideal that shaped my dating experiences in the 123 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,000 years to come. There were countless Mr. Hills 124 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:30,320 in my teens and 20s. There was a heterosexual jock in 125 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,840 my Spanish class in high school for whom I used to make mixed 126 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:37,840 CD's, acceptable expressions of affection and forms of 127 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,720 flirtation. There was a guy I dated in my 128 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,040 early 20s who lived in the East Village in New York City for 129 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:48,600 whom I fell head over heels after just two dates, only to 130 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:53,720 become far too eager too soon and push him away all the way 131 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,960 back to his ex. There was a man I met in a gay 132 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,680 club in Chelsea around the same time. 133 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,800 I slept over at his place for nearly a week straight after 134 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,440 meeting him. You can imagine the whiplash I 135 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,640 experienced when he told me it was too much too soon. 136 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:13,200 Truth is, I could give innumerable examples of how I've 137 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,040 let my heart run away, of how I got swept up in the chemistry 138 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,640 and connection of it all. But the most important take away 139 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,400 from all those experiences is that they did not last. 140 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,600 It's an intrinsic part of human nature to crave connection. 141 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,240 In fact, we're neurologically hardwired for it. 142 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:34,440 When we find it, especially romantically, it can feel 143 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:38,600 magical and meant to be, like the stars finally aligned or 144 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,200 heaven opened its gates. This process is largely 145 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,920 chemical. A flood of hormones and 146 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:48,400 neurotransmitters is released when we are in a state of lust, 147 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:52,080 obsession, or limerence. And it is often because of this 148 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,240 intoxicating cocktail of chemicals that we feel that 149 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,640 sense of alignment, destiny and divinity. 150 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,760 We're quite literally high on the experience. 151 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,600 Falling in love is the most addictive experience of all, one 152 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,720 that can make us lose our mind and our way, causing us to 153 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,520 behave in ways that aren't aligned with our values and 154 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:16,240 don't fit with our character. The idea of a person, what they 155 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,400 represent to us, the role they can play in the narrative we've 156 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:24,200 prefabricated can be, and often is, the most intoxicating and 157 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:28,080 addictive aspect of all. Alas, our cultural conditioning 158 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:32,200 around love, marriage and romance is extensive. 159 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,280 We don't have to search far and wide to see the evidence of this 160 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,560 truth. From an early age, we are fed a 161 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:43,920 steady diet of rampant romanticism through the music we 162 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,840 listen to, the television shows we watch, and the movies we 163 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,320 consume. Our culture is obsessed with 164 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,640 love, and there are entire industries that capitalize on 165 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:58,120 this obsession. Sex might sell, but love is 166 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,680 addicting. As we've discussed, at its core, 167 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,600 addiction is nothing more than the inability to tolerate 168 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,480 reality. Unable to cope with the external 169 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,720 stimuli or 'cause, as well as the internal emotional response 170 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:14,640 or effect, we learn to circumvent the typical pathways 171 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:19,480 for processing and healing. We dissociate, we ruminate, we 172 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:23,000 externalize, we obsess. But we always do it for the same 173 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:28,720 reason, in order not to feel. If we push deeper, we can often 174 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,920 find a disturbing truth underlying these compulsive 175 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,920 behaviors. There's a discomfort of being on 176 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,880 our own. There's a fear of our 177 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:40,160 inadequacy. There's the cumulative weight of 178 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,360 our unresolved trauma. We become unconsciously addicted 179 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,400 to these thoughts and beliefs and what they mean for us, the 180 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,360 victimization they represent, and powerlessness they 181 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,840 perpetuate. The darkness becomes our 182 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,360 default, and so does our need to be saved from it. 183 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,800 While there are many different objects to which we can become 184 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,080 addicted, there are only two pathways to becoming addicted in 185 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,960 the first place, through stressful situations or the 186 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:09,480 relief thereof. There's the rush of cortisol and 187 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,360 adrenaline when we perceive something negative or stressful 188 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,400 happening in the environment around us. 189 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:18,880 And there's the rush of dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin when 190 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:23,040 we perceive something positive or relieving happening as well. 191 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:28,640 Stress and relief, threat and savior, Hunger and satiation. 192 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,640 Often addiction is defined by the cycling between these 193 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:35,280 extremes, these polarities. We can't help but get hooked on 194 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:38,000 the high we get when we receive another hit of these brain 195 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,200 chemicals. When certain thoughts, beliefs, 196 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,640 and fears are engaged, we feel that rush once more for the 197 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,360 body. These stressful feelings are the 198 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,040 baseline we've come to expect through the unstable and 199 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,800 inconsistent experiences of our past. 200 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,160 They feel familiar. They're home. 201 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,440 But these cycles are also painful and damaging because 202 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,680 they defy reality. Our inability to see or accept 203 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:03,600 reality as it is does nothing to change reality itself. 204 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:08,200 It only changes us. Like trying to swim upstream 205 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,920 against the current, our resistance exhausts us until we 206 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,600 get swept away in the process. There's a reason why so many 207 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,360 folks who've experienced trauma also develop addictions to 208 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,760 substances, sex, and even other people. 209 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,640 They don't feel safe in the present moment, in their body, 210 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,080 or both. Never is this more self-evident 211 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,120 than it is for those with an anxious attachment style. 212 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,800 As anxious attachers, we love love. 213 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,520 We crave it, we obsess over it, we fiend for it. 214 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,960 It's something we deeply desire because it seems to have eluded 215 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,320 us. Hence why we romanticize ROM 216 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,840 coms and binge watch The Bachelor, why we spend countless 217 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,000 hours on dating apps and pining over romantic prospects. 218 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,960 It is our drug, our fix, our high. 219 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,920 Romanticism offers us an escape from our isolation and 220 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,440 inadequacy, or so it seems. What we don't realize though, is 221 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,280 that every hit, every piece of media we consume or swipe we 222 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,760 make on a dating app only further reinforces our sense of 223 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,240 lack and our mindset of scarcity. 224 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:17,440 It is fuel for our shame. It drives the stakes deeper into 225 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,240 our hearts, causing us to double down on the narrative that it 226 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,760 can't and won't happen for us because rarely, if ever, has it 227 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:28,400 actually occurred. This is a self reinforcing 228 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,440 illusion and a self fulfilling prophecy. 229 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:36,000 The over romanticism of love and marriage makes us seek out media 230 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,920 and experiences that encourage the over idealization of a 231 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:44,320 partner, the intensity of an early relationship, and the idea 232 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,840 of love at first sight. It gives U.S. data to believe 233 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,760 that everyone around us is falling in love except for us, 234 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:56,600 and it emboldens our search for enmeshment as a form of escapism 235 00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,720 from our cage of loneliness. It also causes us to abandon 236 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,280 ourselves. In fact, one of the very first 237 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,800 signs that you might be slipping into a state of codependency is 238 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,280 that you refrain from making plans of your own. 239 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,720 Holding back from booking a workout class, catching up with 240 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:16,240 friends, or doing what brings you joy is a recipe for 241 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,320 disaster. This is the loudest warning that 242 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:23,160 you might be repeating old patterns and falling into 243 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,440 codependency and anxious attachment. 244 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:30,080 Remember this, Someone has to earn the right to rearrange your 245 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,720 schedule. Doing so before that's been 246 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,600 earned will create an imbalance of energy. 247 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:39,720 The kind of partner you need will understand if you have 248 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:43,040 things going on, and we'll admire and respect you even more 249 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,240 for it. In order to heal addiction, you 250 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,920 need to sober up to the circumstances in front of you, 251 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,800 to embrace reality instead of resisting it. 252 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,520 As anxious attachers, this means we need to stop wishing away our 253 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,120 singledom, to stop feeding the illusion that a romantic partner 254 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,240 can be a savior. They aren't. 255 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:03,000 The person with whom you'll eventually partner is only 256 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,920 human, just like you. They'll be wounded and imperfect 257 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,720 and flawed. They will eventually disappoint 258 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,440 you and can't be expected to carry the weight of all your 259 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:17,120 disappointments from the past. While they can support you and 260 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,040 hold space for you, they also can't be expected to take away 261 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:23,080 your feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. 262 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,400 Nothing can do that. If you throw yourself into a 263 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,120 relationship thinking it will solve all of your problems, 264 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:33,680 you're in for a rude awakening. Relationships only mirror back 265 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,640 to us the healing work that still remains. 266 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,280 Your time spent being single is a gift. 267 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,960 It might not feel like it at the time, but having the ability to 268 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,720 explore yourself, to deepen yourself self-awareness and to 269 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:51,000 advance in your healing are incredibly valuable experiences 270 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,640 and they set you up for success. When you do find that person 271 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,560 you'd like to commit to, that's not something to look down on. 272 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:02,360 That's not something to wish away, That's not something to 273 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,840 avoid. Being single helps to prepare 274 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,200 you to be a healthy partner, at least when it's treated as such. 275 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,560 I see that now and I hope you do too. 276 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:16,320 OK, so while that chapter helps to answer some of our initial 277 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,720 questions here, including what is stress and how does it relate 278 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:25,080 to addiction and what is love addiction in terms of how 279 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,560 anxious attachment factors in here and how stress is related 280 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:32,400 to it, remember the cycle of the experience of anxious 281 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,720 attachment. We've already explored the steps 282 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:41,400 of trauma, abandonment and codependency, and also of 283 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:47,040 nervous system dysregulation, stress, aversion and addiction. 284 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,960 Factor in here as the final two steps in the process. 285 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,560 You can't heal anxious attachment unless you heal your 286 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:57,600 relationship with your body and therefore how it manages stress 287 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:02,040 and also heal any addictive patterns you might have, 288 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:06,440 including how you might be over romanticizing or over idealizing 289 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,680 romantic partners and romantic relationships generally. 290 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:16,040 Let's talk about how stress relates to safety and why that 291 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,599 is important. That might be one of the most 292 00:17:18,599 --> 00:17:21,520 important questions for today. Here's the thing. 293 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:26,160 Feeling safe and feeling stressed are intertwined. 294 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,640 The safer you feel, the less stressed you'll be. 295 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,920 The less safe you feel, the more stressed you'll be. 296 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:38,080 When we feel seen, heard, and understood and supported, our 297 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:42,320 body can relax. We aren't in a state of survival 298 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,960 as often or as long. This is why the isolation and 299 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,960 loneliness of modern times is so concerning. 300 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:53,960 It increases stress levels and depletes our energy, and it 301 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,520 keeps us from the sense of safety and support we need to 302 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,080 get out of the cycle. Building and maintaining a 303 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:05,200 support system is critical for health and well-being, and also 304 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,720 for healing anxious attachment. We've already talked about 305 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,840 emotional diversification in the role that that plays, but too 306 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,520 often I hear people say that they're in their healing era, 307 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,840 when they're really just removing themselves from 308 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:23,480 environments that trigger them and thereby isolating 309 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:27,120 themselves. While solitude and space are 310 00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:31,080 important for emotional processing, a sense of safety is 311 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:34,600 paramount, and that necessitates the presence of others. 312 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:39,320 Isolation doesn't heal, connection and safety do. 313 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:43,840 Also, when we feel unsafe, it increases our stress. 314 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:48,320 But when you are unable to sit with the stress in your body, 315 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:52,640 typically you'll reach for something that is addictive. 316 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:58,840 Whether it's gambling or gaming, porn or the Internet, food or 317 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,200 drinks, you name it, people are going to reach for it in order 318 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:06,880 not to feel the discomfort. So the safer you feel with 319 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:11,960 yourself and in your body, the more likely it is that you won't 320 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:15,480 engage in addictive behaviors and patterns. 321 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:19,240 And also the more likely it is that you won't lean on a 322 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:23,160 romantic partner thinking that there's some sort of savior 323 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,280 because they are not. The next thing I want to talk 324 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:29,800 about is cortisol and some ways to reduce our cortisol levels 325 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,840 and lower stress. Cortisol is a stress hormone 326 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,960 that's produced by the adrenal glands in the body. 327 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,680 In order to improve our relationship with stress, there 328 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,440 are some things that we can do to lower cortisol because the 329 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,720 higher the level of cortisol, the more stressed you're going 330 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,200 to feel. There are four BS and four s s 331 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:53,680 that I'm going to review. The bees are balanced diet, so 332 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:58,400 fruits, veggies, leafy greens, fermented foods, body movement, 333 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:02,720 walking, running, weightlifting. You got to get those endorphins 334 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,840 pumping and you got to get your body moving. 335 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,120 We're not meant to stay sedentary. 336 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:11,440 Breath work is the third be the box breathing method and the 337 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,880 physiological sigh are two expressions of this, but there's 338 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,960 so many different ways. To practice breath work, a 339 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,000 simple Google search will show you, and maybe I'll dedicate a 340 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,760 future episode to that. Your breath is way more closely 341 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,360 connected to your mental health than you might realize. 342 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,040 The 4th and final B is to build presence. 343 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,280 Meditation and mindfulness obviously help with this. 344 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:38,640 Whether it's body scanning or following the breath, it can 345 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,440 help with improving your cortisol levels because it 346 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,720 brings you out of the present moment. 347 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:48,200 So the more present you are, the more you can breathe freely and 348 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,040 the lower your cortisol and stress. 349 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:54,520 There's also 4S S sleep. If you don't get enough sleep or 350 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,560 the quality of your sleep is poor, it's going to have 351 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:01,120 downstream effects elsewhere. You're going to reach for 352 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:04,680 unhealthy foods, you're going to be more stressed and irritable, 353 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:09,720 etcetera. Second S is sunlight, go out 354 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:13,160 into nature, get some fresh air and boost your serotonin, 355 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,720 dopamine and vitamin D levels. Get your body moving again and 356 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,640 preferably out into some green space. 357 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:24,840 Third S is supplements. While I am not a nutritionist or 358 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:28,720 licensed medical professional and am in no way telling you 359 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:32,720 what to take or not to take, many of us are deficient in 360 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,920 vitamins and minerals in nutrients such as iron, vitamin 361 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:41,400 D, magnesium, and more. Augment where you need to and 362 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,240 again, consult a professional for this. 363 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:49,000 Also, Ashwagandha can help with reducing stress, as can reducing 364 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:54,200 alcohol and caffeine intake. Both of those can spike cortisol 365 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:59,040 and stress levels. 4th S and final of the eight ways that you 366 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,880 can lower your cortisol levels is social connection. 367 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,520 I'll say it once and I'll say it again. 368 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,120 There's nothing quite as fulfilling as connecting with 369 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,520 safe, solid, stable people in your life. 370 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:13,320 We are a social species and laughter is healing. 371 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,760 Be with people who get you and connect with them. 372 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,960 That can help to lower your cortisol levels significantly. 373 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,640 How does cortisol relate to adrenaline though? 374 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:26,320 Cortisol is released in response to prolonged or chronic stress, 375 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:30,120 whereas adrenaline is released in response to immediate or 376 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,320 acute stress. Both keep us in a survival state 377 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:37,560 and deplete us, but cortisol tends to have longer term 378 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,040 effects. That leads us to the final 379 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:44,120 question for today's episode. How can you interrupt the cycle 380 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:47,400 of addiction? I addressed this a little bit in 381 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:51,480 the chapter from the book that I read today, but here's what I'll 382 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,920 say. Remember that addiction is about 383 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,600 the things we turn to when we can't tolerate reality. 384 00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,960 So the most essential thing you can do is learn to sober up to 385 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,560 the circumstances in front of you. 386 00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:07,760 Here's how you can do that. Refrain from avoiding, denying, 387 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,120 or otherwise numbing your feelings. 388 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:15,640 Learn to sit with yourself without doing anything, without 389 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,760 trying to push your feelings away or avoid the experience. 390 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,920 Breathe into and through the discomfort. 391 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,160 Call up a friend or a family member. 392 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,960 Lean on your support system. Reach out to a therapist, a 393 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,760 coach, or other mental health professional who can assist you. 394 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,880 There's no shame in getting support where you need it. 395 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,280 Take it one day at a time, though. 396 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,480 You have to be willing to feel your feelings, whatever they 397 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:43,440 are, because addiction is driven by your desire to disengage. 398 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,240 That means learning to be with feelings that are really 399 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:50,480 uncomfortable, like rejection, abandonment, inadequacy or 400 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:55,040 shame, loneliness, disappointment, frustration, and 401 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,040 many, many more. And learning to share them with 402 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,960 others too, because again, we're a social species. 403 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,160 But at the end of the day, sobering up to the reality in 404 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:07,120 front of you and the experience inside of you. 405 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:11,840 This completes our analysis of the cycle of anxious attachment. 406 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:16,080 I will continue unpacking ways that we can interrupt this cycle 407 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:20,040 in future episodes and in perpetuity in every aspect of 408 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:23,880 the work that I do, whether it's downloadable materials or any 409 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,640 future books I might write or workshops I do or lives on 410 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,600 TikTok or TikTok videos or posts on Instagram. 411 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:36,240 But for now, it's important that we finalize that evaluation of 412 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:40,160 the cycle because those are the experiences that Dr. Anxious 413 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:45,560 attachment, trauma, codependency and abandonment, nervous system 414 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:49,000 dysregulation, stress aversion, and addiction. 415 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,160 I hope that this analysis in these episodes so far has been 416 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,840 helpful for you. And if so, please rate and 417 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,080 review the podcast and maybe leave a comment on Spotify. 418 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,880 I love hearing from you all. So if you want to e-mail me too, 419 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,240 you can always do so at me at cracklift.com. 420 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,760 Thank you so much, as always, for watching and listening, and 421 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:13,360 I can't wait to share next week's episode with you. 422 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:17,080 I have my second podcast interview, this time with a 423 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,200 really, really special guest, and I can't wait for you to hear 424 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:20,360 it.