Hello everyone, and welcome back to Needy No More, the podcast
dedicated to healing the anxious attachment style.
I'm your host, anxious attachment style coach and
author Chris Ratcliffe. I've helped thousands of people
across 6 continents to end the cycle of anxious attachment
through my books, workshops, digital downloads, and coaching
program. I'm excited to carry on that
mission here, sharing tools and techniques, principles and
practices for you to explore on your journey to growing more
secure. Welcome back everyone.
I am super excited about today's episode because we are wrapping
up our discussion of the cycle of anxious attachment.
Today we'll be talking about the final two steps in the process,
which are addiction and stress. There are some questions I'm
going to answer in today's episode, so to give you a little
preview, here's what we're going to be covering.
What is stress and how does it relate to addiction?
What is love addiction? How does stress factor into the
experience of anxious attachment?
How does stress relate to safety and why is that important?
What is cortisol and what are some ways you can reduce your
cortisol levels and lower stress?
How does cortisol relate to adrenaline?
And last but certainly not least, how can you interrupt the
cycle of addiction? The very first thing I'm going
to do today is to read a chapter from Needy No More, which is
called Addicted to Love and Stress.
It was the best first date I've ever had.
Clanking our wine glasses and resting them on the edge of his
roof, I too felt like I was on the precipice of something truly
risky, truly special, truly sacred.
He picked me up and softly pushed my back against the wall
of a nearby vestibule, his heart pounding and pulsating against
mine. His eyes crinkled up with joy,
the twilight catching their glacier blue hue in the dying
light. Our giddiness escaped as
laughter, inescapable bear hugs and sweet sumptuous kisses, a
much needed release of the escalating energy between us.
Back in his loft a few moments later, the dulcet tones of
Mariah Carey danced to the beat of his cocktail shaker.
After several beverages and multiple make out sessions, we
fell asleep on the couch, his arms wrapped tightly around me
and his head nuzzled in my neck. It was simple, it was pure, it
was blissful. I floated home the next morning,
a flutter with infatuation, excitement, and limerance.
I was smitten in the throes of a consuming crush, unable to
detain my desires and let the proverbial chips fall as they
may. We began texting incessantly,
planning two more dates that week alone.
I was taken by the belief of what we could become.
I thought about how proud I'd be to be his boyfriend, how easy it
was to be around him, how kinetic and concrete our
connection seemed to be. Until it wasn't.
After our third date, the texts began to dwindle, and the plans
soon did too. Sensing his distance both
physically and emotionally, I made plea after plea for him to
share what he felt. After all, what could have
possibly changed in such a short period of time?
But each bid was met with more distance, more confusion, until
there was only silence and pain. Deep, simmering pain.
The kind that keeps you awake at night, tears shaking out from
the depths of your diaphragm. The kind of loss that takes you
months from which to recover. The kind of intensity that
creates a form of emotional withdrawal even after just a few
dates. Think about all the times you've
craved the attention, affection, and validation of someone on
whom you were crushing, in whom you were interested, or with
whom you were in a relationship. Recall your fixation on their
behavior, the hyper vigilance and emotional monitoring in
which you engaged. Sit with the uncomfortable
reality of the protest behavior to which you resorted to try to
get your needs met. Remember the intense checking of
their social media, how you'd reread every message to decipher
if their feelings had changed? Realize what the separation
anxiety and withdrawal you experienced after spending a lot
of time with them was trying to tell you.
Ultimately, there are reasons why we engage in these pathways
of thinking and behaving, and that is because they are
textbook indicators of addiction.
In fact, in her book Facing Love Addiction, author Pia Melody
defines anxious attachment as the experience of love
addiction, identifying the love addict as someone who is
dependent on in, meshed with, and compulsively focused on
taking care of another person. But it's also so much more.
To me, love addiction is an all consuming experience defined by
obsessive thinking about a partner and compulsive behaviors
to create more intensity and closeness with them in the hopes
of not being left, cheated on or abandoned.
Marked by extremely high highs and extremely low lows, love
addiction mirrors other addictive cycles and not only
their intensity, but also their instability.
Much of that intensity and instability also mirrors the
environments in which we were raised and relationships in
which we participated. I know this is true for me.
Ever since I can remember, I've been a little bit boy crazy.
Like many anxious attachers, I've always longed for someone
to show up and choose me. To save me from my trauma and
whisk me off into the sunset to be a knight in shining armor and
rescue me. It wasn't until I began my
healing journey that I realized these desires were a projection
of my own ability to save and heal myself and grow more
secure, an abdication of my uniquely personal responsibility
to confront my shadow, the dark night of the soul that only I
could undergo. But this river ran deep for me.
By the time I grew serious about my healing in my mid to late
20s, many of these cycles and patterns had been on repeat for
two decades. I had my first crush when I was
10 years old. His name was Mr. Hill and he was
a college aged teaching assistant to my 5th grade
teacher. I was smitten.
I remember his broad shoulders, his short brown hair, and his
adorable smile. The way he flowed freely through
the room with an empathetic air of confidence and authority.
He was statuesque and sweet, like a Greek God that had
swooped down into my class, gracing us with his heavenly,
gentle presence. I couldn't take my eyes off of
him. Even then, before I had words to
describe this phenomenon, I was infatuated with a strong,
masculine, handsome man. I wanted to feel protected.
I wanted to feel cared for. I wanted to feel safe.
Mr. Hill was the physical representation of that, the
symbol of an ideal that shaped my dating experiences in the
years to come. There were countless Mr. Hills
in my teens and 20s. There was a heterosexual jock in
my Spanish class in high school for whom I used to make mixed
CD's, acceptable expressions of affection and forms of
flirtation. There was a guy I dated in my
early 20s who lived in the East Village in New York City for
whom I fell head over heels after just two dates, only to
become far too eager too soon and push him away all the way
back to his ex. There was a man I met in a gay
club in Chelsea around the same time.
I slept over at his place for nearly a week straight after
meeting him. You can imagine the whiplash I
experienced when he told me it was too much too soon.
Truth is, I could give innumerable examples of how I've
let my heart run away, of how I got swept up in the chemistry
and connection of it all. But the most important take away
from all those experiences is that they did not last.
It's an intrinsic part of human nature to crave connection.
In fact, we're neurologically hardwired for it.
When we find it, especially romantically, it can feel
magical and meant to be, like the stars finally aligned or
heaven opened its gates. This process is largely
chemical. A flood of hormones and
neurotransmitters is released when we are in a state of lust,
obsession, or limerence. And it is often because of this
intoxicating cocktail of chemicals that we feel that
sense of alignment, destiny and divinity.
We're quite literally high on the experience.
Falling in love is the most addictive experience of all, one
that can make us lose our mind and our way, causing us to
behave in ways that aren't aligned with our values and
don't fit with our character. The idea of a person, what they
represent to us, the role they can play in the narrative we've
prefabricated can be, and often is, the most intoxicating and
addictive aspect of all. Alas, our cultural conditioning
around love, marriage and romance is extensive.
We don't have to search far and wide to see the evidence of this
truth. From an early age, we are fed a
steady diet of rampant romanticism through the music we
listen to, the television shows we watch, and the movies we
consume. Our culture is obsessed with
love, and there are entire industries that capitalize on
this obsession. Sex might sell, but love is
addicting. As we've discussed, at its core,
addiction is nothing more than the inability to tolerate
reality. Unable to cope with the external
stimuli or 'cause, as well as the internal emotional response
or effect, we learn to circumvent the typical pathways
for processing and healing. We dissociate, we ruminate, we
externalize, we obsess. But we always do it for the same
reason, in order not to feel. If we push deeper, we can often
find a disturbing truth underlying these compulsive
behaviors. There's a discomfort of being on
our own. There's a fear of our
inadequacy. There's the cumulative weight of
our unresolved trauma. We become unconsciously addicted
to these thoughts and beliefs and what they mean for us, the
victimization they represent, and powerlessness they
perpetuate. The darkness becomes our
default, and so does our need to be saved from it.
While there are many different objects to which we can become
addicted, there are only two pathways to becoming addicted in
the first place, through stressful situations or the
relief thereof. There's the rush of cortisol and
adrenaline when we perceive something negative or stressful
happening in the environment around us.
And there's the rush of dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin when
we perceive something positive or relieving happening as well.
Stress and relief, threat and savior, Hunger and satiation.
Often addiction is defined by the cycling between these
extremes, these polarities. We can't help but get hooked on
the high we get when we receive another hit of these brain
chemicals. When certain thoughts, beliefs,
and fears are engaged, we feel that rush once more for the
body. These stressful feelings are the
baseline we've come to expect through the unstable and
inconsistent experiences of our past.
They feel familiar. They're home.
But these cycles are also painful and damaging because
they defy reality. Our inability to see or accept
reality as it is does nothing to change reality itself.
It only changes us. Like trying to swim upstream
against the current, our resistance exhausts us until we
get swept away in the process. There's a reason why so many
folks who've experienced trauma also develop addictions to
substances, sex, and even other people.
They don't feel safe in the present moment, in their body,
or both. Never is this more self-evident
than it is for those with an anxious attachment style.
As anxious attachers, we love love.
We crave it, we obsess over it, we fiend for it.
It's something we deeply desire because it seems to have eluded
us. Hence why we romanticize ROM
coms and binge watch The Bachelor, why we spend countless
hours on dating apps and pining over romantic prospects.
It is our drug, our fix, our high.
Romanticism offers us an escape from our isolation and
inadequacy, or so it seems. What we don't realize though, is
that every hit, every piece of media we consume or swipe we
make on a dating app only further reinforces our sense of
lack and our mindset of scarcity.
It is fuel for our shame. It drives the stakes deeper into
our hearts, causing us to double down on the narrative that it
can't and won't happen for us because rarely, if ever, has it
actually occurred. This is a self reinforcing
illusion and a self fulfilling prophecy.
The over romanticism of love and marriage makes us seek out media
and experiences that encourage the over idealization of a
partner, the intensity of an early relationship, and the idea
of love at first sight. It gives U.S. data to believe
that everyone around us is falling in love except for us,
and it emboldens our search for enmeshment as a form of escapism
from our cage of loneliness. It also causes us to abandon
ourselves. In fact, one of the very first
signs that you might be slipping into a state of codependency is
that you refrain from making plans of your own.
Holding back from booking a workout class, catching up with
friends, or doing what brings you joy is a recipe for
disaster. This is the loudest warning that
you might be repeating old patterns and falling into
codependency and anxious attachment.
Remember this, Someone has to earn the right to rearrange your
schedule. Doing so before that's been
earned will create an imbalance of energy.
The kind of partner you need will understand if you have
things going on, and we'll admire and respect you even more
for it. In order to heal addiction, you
need to sober up to the circumstances in front of you,
to embrace reality instead of resisting it.
As anxious attachers, this means we need to stop wishing away our
singledom, to stop feeding the illusion that a romantic partner
can be a savior. They aren't.
The person with whom you'll eventually partner is only
human, just like you. They'll be wounded and imperfect
and flawed. They will eventually disappoint
you and can't be expected to carry the weight of all your
disappointments from the past. While they can support you and
hold space for you, they also can't be expected to take away
your feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.
Nothing can do that. If you throw yourself into a
relationship thinking it will solve all of your problems,
you're in for a rude awakening. Relationships only mirror back
to us the healing work that still remains.
Your time spent being single is a gift.
It might not feel like it at the time, but having the ability to
explore yourself, to deepen yourself self-awareness and to
advance in your healing are incredibly valuable experiences
and they set you up for success. When you do find that person
you'd like to commit to, that's not something to look down on.
That's not something to wish away, That's not something to
avoid. Being single helps to prepare
you to be a healthy partner, at least when it's treated as such.
I see that now and I hope you do too.
OK, so while that chapter helps to answer some of our initial
questions here, including what is stress and how does it relate
to addiction and what is love addiction in terms of how
anxious attachment factors in here and how stress is related
to it, remember the cycle of the experience of anxious
attachment. We've already explored the steps
of trauma, abandonment and codependency, and also of
nervous system dysregulation, stress, aversion and addiction.
Factor in here as the final two steps in the process.
You can't heal anxious attachment unless you heal your
relationship with your body and therefore how it manages stress
and also heal any addictive patterns you might have,
including how you might be over romanticizing or over idealizing
romantic partners and romantic relationships generally.
Let's talk about how stress relates to safety and why that
is important. That might be one of the most
important questions for today. Here's the thing.
Feeling safe and feeling stressed are intertwined.
The safer you feel, the less stressed you'll be.
The less safe you feel, the more stressed you'll be.
When we feel seen, heard, and understood and supported, our
body can relax. We aren't in a state of survival
as often or as long. This is why the isolation and
loneliness of modern times is so concerning.
It increases stress levels and depletes our energy, and it
keeps us from the sense of safety and support we need to
get out of the cycle. Building and maintaining a
support system is critical for health and well-being, and also
for healing anxious attachment. We've already talked about
emotional diversification in the role that that plays, but too
often I hear people say that they're in their healing era,
when they're really just removing themselves from
environments that trigger them and thereby isolating
themselves. While solitude and space are
important for emotional processing, a sense of safety is
paramount, and that necessitates the presence of others.
Isolation doesn't heal, connection and safety do.
Also, when we feel unsafe, it increases our stress.
But when you are unable to sit with the stress in your body,
typically you'll reach for something that is addictive.
Whether it's gambling or gaming, porn or the Internet, food or
drinks, you name it, people are going to reach for it in order
not to feel the discomfort. So the safer you feel with
yourself and in your body, the more likely it is that you won't
engage in addictive behaviors and patterns.
And also the more likely it is that you won't lean on a
romantic partner thinking that there's some sort of savior
because they are not. The next thing I want to talk
about is cortisol and some ways to reduce our cortisol levels
and lower stress. Cortisol is a stress hormone
that's produced by the adrenal glands in the body.
In order to improve our relationship with stress, there
are some things that we can do to lower cortisol because the
higher the level of cortisol, the more stressed you're going
to feel. There are four BS and four s s
that I'm going to review. The bees are balanced diet, so
fruits, veggies, leafy greens, fermented foods, body movement,
walking, running, weightlifting. You got to get those endorphins
pumping and you got to get your body moving.
We're not meant to stay sedentary.
Breath work is the third be the box breathing method and the
physiological sigh are two expressions of this, but there's
so many different ways. To practice breath work, a
simple Google search will show you, and maybe I'll dedicate a
future episode to that. Your breath is way more closely
connected to your mental health than you might realize.
The 4th and final B is to build presence.
Meditation and mindfulness obviously help with this.
Whether it's body scanning or following the breath, it can
help with improving your cortisol levels because it
brings you out of the present moment.
So the more present you are, the more you can breathe freely and
the lower your cortisol and stress.
There's also 4S S sleep. If you don't get enough sleep or
the quality of your sleep is poor, it's going to have
downstream effects elsewhere. You're going to reach for
unhealthy foods, you're going to be more stressed and irritable,
etcetera. Second S is sunlight, go out
into nature, get some fresh air and boost your serotonin,
dopamine and vitamin D levels. Get your body moving again and
preferably out into some green space.
Third S is supplements. While I am not a nutritionist or
licensed medical professional and am in no way telling you
what to take or not to take, many of us are deficient in
vitamins and minerals in nutrients such as iron, vitamin
D, magnesium, and more. Augment where you need to and
again, consult a professional for this.
Also, Ashwagandha can help with reducing stress, as can reducing
alcohol and caffeine intake. Both of those can spike cortisol
and stress levels. 4th S and final of the eight ways that you
can lower your cortisol levels is social connection.
I'll say it once and I'll say it again.
There's nothing quite as fulfilling as connecting with
safe, solid, stable people in your life.
We are a social species and laughter is healing.
Be with people who get you and connect with them.
That can help to lower your cortisol levels significantly.
How does cortisol relate to adrenaline though?
Cortisol is released in response to prolonged or chronic stress,
whereas adrenaline is released in response to immediate or
acute stress. Both keep us in a survival state
and deplete us, but cortisol tends to have longer term
effects. That leads us to the final
question for today's episode. How can you interrupt the cycle
of addiction? I addressed this a little bit in
the chapter from the book that I read today, but here's what I'll
say. Remember that addiction is about
the things we turn to when we can't tolerate reality.
So the most essential thing you can do is learn to sober up to
the circumstances in front of you.
Here's how you can do that. Refrain from avoiding, denying,
or otherwise numbing your feelings.
Learn to sit with yourself without doing anything, without
trying to push your feelings away or avoid the experience.
Breathe into and through the discomfort.
Call up a friend or a family member.
Lean on your support system. Reach out to a therapist, a
coach, or other mental health professional who can assist you.
There's no shame in getting support where you need it.
Take it one day at a time, though.
You have to be willing to feel your feelings, whatever they
are, because addiction is driven by your desire to disengage.
That means learning to be with feelings that are really
uncomfortable, like rejection, abandonment, inadequacy or
shame, loneliness, disappointment, frustration, and
many, many more. And learning to share them with
others too, because again, we're a social species.
But at the end of the day, sobering up to the reality in
front of you and the experience inside of you.
This completes our analysis of the cycle of anxious attachment.
I will continue unpacking ways that we can interrupt this cycle
in future episodes and in perpetuity in every aspect of
the work that I do, whether it's downloadable materials or any
future books I might write or workshops I do or lives on
TikTok or TikTok videos or posts on Instagram.
But for now, it's important that we finalize that evaluation of
the cycle because those are the experiences that Dr. Anxious
attachment, trauma, codependency and abandonment, nervous system
dysregulation, stress aversion, and addiction.
I hope that this analysis in these episodes so far has been
helpful for you. And if so, please rate and
review the podcast and maybe leave a comment on Spotify.
I love hearing from you all. So if you want to e-mail me too,
you can always do so at me at cracklift.com.
Thank you so much, as always, for watching and listening, and
I can't wait to share next week's episode with you.
I have my second podcast interview, this time with a
really, really special guest, and I can't wait for you to hear
it.