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Hello everyone, and welcome back
to Needy No More, the podcast 

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dedicated to healing the anxious
attachment style. 

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I'm your host, anxious 
attachment style coach and 

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author Chris Ratcliffe. 
I've helped thousands of people 

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across 6 continents to end the 
cycle of anxious attachment 

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through my books, workshops, 
digital downloads, and coaching 

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program. 
I'm excited to carry on that 

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mission here on the podcast, 
sharing tools and techniques, 

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principles and practices for you
to explore on your journey to 

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growing more secure. 
Welcome back everyone. 

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Today's a little bit different. 
I need to rant. 

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I'm not sure if you've seen, but
there have been a few articles 

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lately, including In the Cut and
Time that have talked about 

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being cringe in dating. 
I hate to even use that word 

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because it implies something 
that has such a negative 

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connotation for something that 
is deeply positive and human 

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wanting connection. 
Now, if you're not familiar with

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this kind of trend or pattern, 
let me take a step back and 

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describe it for you. 
So lately, let's say in the past

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few years in dating, many people
will describe being overly 

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excited or overly effusive or 
overly commutative with someone 

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as cringe. 
You know, there's always kind of

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been this descriptor of people 
who quote, UN quote, come on too

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strong as having something wrong
with them. 

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And yet what we know about 
neuroscience and the way the 

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brain works is that as human 
beings, we are neurologically 

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hardwired for connection. 
Our brain responds positively to

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it. 
We thrive when we are surrounded

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by healthy, positive connection.
So it's a good thing. 

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It's something that is an innate
human desire to hold, and yet 

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our society shames people for 
desiring it and rewards people 

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who are avoidant, distant, who 
hold back, who play games. 

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And this is something that has 
to stop in dating. 

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I think part of why there's such
a dissatisfaction with the 

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current culture of dating and 
why people are rebelling against

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the idea of things like dating 
apps and even reverting back to 

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things from the 90s and early 
2000s like speed dating events 

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and more IRL analog approaches 
to dating is because of this 

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culture. 
Because someone's emotional 

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availability is described as 
quote UN quote cringe. 

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You can even hear it in the way 
that we discuss dating in the 

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dating discourse. 
Overall, there's a lot of 

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mentions of the ick, right? 
A lot of people will say this 

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person gave me the ick because 
they did this. 

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And if you're not familiar with 
this terminology, the ick means 

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someone gets turned off by some 
sort of action that the other 

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person has engaged in or some 
sort of behavior they've 

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exhibited or displayed. 
So someone experiencing the ick 

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is being turned off and 
sometimes we know these going 

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into our interactions with other
people and sometimes we don't. 

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There are certain things that 
might cause us to be more 

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attracted to someone else that 
might increase attraction, and 

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there are certain things that 
might decrease attraction. 

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That is a tale as old as time 
that is genuine. 

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It's OK. 
You're never going to be 100% 

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attracted to someone. 
Everyone has their quirks. 

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Everyone has aspects of their 
personality that might push 

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someone else away, whether they 
intend to or not. 

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And yet again, culturally, we 
reward someone pulling away. 

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We say, Oh yeah, that would give
me the ick, too. 

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And so there's a sort of social 
currency that has been derived 

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from finding someone's quirks, 
which are a natural part of 

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getting to know someone, and 
someone's differences as a 

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reason to discard them entirely.
I hope it goes without saying, 

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but this is incredibly 
problematic and reductive and 

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oversimplified. 
Of course there are going to be 

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parts of a person that you don't
like. 

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No one is perfect. 
Also, we need to have a very 

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serious conversation as a 
society and as a species about 

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how we are dating and mating. 
Perfection does not exist and 

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looking for the One has in many 
ways caused us to dismiss many 

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people that we can actually have
very fruitful, meaningful, long 

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term connections with. 
There's a lot of options out 

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there now. 
Someone new is just a swipe 

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away. 
There are many, many people at 

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our fingertips at every second 
of every day. 

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So it's easier than ever to meet
people and yet somehow harder 

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than ever to connect. 
I think in some ways to hiding 

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behind a screen causes us to 
perfect to put forward the best 

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possible version of ourselves. 
We see this on social media 

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because people only share the 
highlight reels from their life.

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They only share the positive 
moments. 

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Very rarely do you see people 
sharing about their struggles or

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talking very authentically or 
openly about something that 

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challenged them, versus sharing 
a win or a milestone or a 

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promotion or a baby announcement
or a graduation or something 

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worth celebrating. 
And this isn't to diminish those

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accomplishments at all, because 
we all have them and we all 

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deserve to be celebrated. 
But this is to say that many of 

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us have learned to be 
inauthentic through digital 

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experiences and through using 
devices and apps in particular. 

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This bleeds over into dating. 
Many of us select the photos 

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where we think we look the 
hottest. 

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We want to put the best possible
foot forward on a dating app. 

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If we're going to make a first 
impression, let's make it a good

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one. 
And this isn't to say that I 

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disagree with that, but that 
needs to be counterbalanced by 

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showing more of your 
personality, by being more 

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authentic to show instead of a 
perfectly perfected photo that's

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filtered. 
Something that is less refined, 

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that's more real, raw, human, 
messy. 

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Balancing these aspects is 
something that I recommend many 

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of my clients do when they're 
creating their dating profiles. 

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Yes, put forward the image where
you look hot. 

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Of course upload it. 
I wouldn't want you to keep it 

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from the app, but balance that 
with more moments that are 

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everyday because if that 
relationship is going to go 

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anywhere, if that match is going
to turn into a conversation and 

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then a date and then more dates 
and then eventually a defining 

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of that relationship and being 
together in a committed 

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partnership, then that person is
going to see those other sides 

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of you. 
And I hope that you let them see

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those other sides of you little 
by little. 

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Fine, but give them a little 
preview of it at the outset. 

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Many people are going to listen 
to this and cringe at that. 

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You might even think, oh God, I 
could never do that. 

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I could never show my 
imperfections. 

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And look, I get it. 
It's hard to be vulnerable 

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because you're facing potential 
rejection and abandonment. 

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And for many of us on the 
anxious side of the attachment 

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spectrum, what could be more 
scary than that? 

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What could be more exposed than 
that? 

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That hits at some of our deepest
core wounds. 

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But vulnerability and rejection 
are the price we pay for 

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connection. 
You can't have a real 

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relationship if you yourself 
aren't willing to get real. 

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So here's what I'll say If being
real and authentic and true to 

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yourself, if embodying your 
values of wanting to communicate

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and being earnest about how you 
feel about someone and 

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expressing interest pushes 
someone away, causes them to 

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cringe at your emotional 
availability and to dismiss you 

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and detach and distance 
themselves. 

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That is all the data that you 
need about being misaligned with

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someone. 
Because when you open up your 

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heart and you share it with 
someone, when you share parts of

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yourself with someone, you want 
them to be met with a relatively

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high degree of safety and 
acceptance and openness. 

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And when someone is saying, uh, 
that's cringe. 

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Why is he messaging me so many 
times? 

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What they're really saying is 
I'm not ready for the kind of 

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depth that this person is 
offering. 

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I hope that we start to see more
authenticity, more genuineness, 

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more cringe E Nos on dating apps
and in dating experiences in 

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2026 and beyond. 
It's refreshing when someone 

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opens up and is honest about how
they feel and what they want. 

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When someone lays their cards on
the table and says, this is who 

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I am, this is what I'm looking 
for, this is what I desire, 

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that's real. 
That is a risk. 

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And if someone is going to treat
that risk so carelessly, so 

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callously, then you want to know
sooner rather than later. 

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So rejection actually does 
become a form of protection. 

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It's a way for you to suss out 
who's really ready for 

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connection and who's not. 
So be more cringe. 

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And perhaps we should even stop 
characterizing it as such. 

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I think that's probably a good 
direction for the discourse 

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around dating to take. 
Emotional availability is not 

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cringe. 
Authenticity is not cringe. 

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At this point in my life and in 
my healing, I consider myself 

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securely attached. 
I would pick every time the 

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person who is being honest and 
earnest, who's being real and 

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raw, who's being vulnerable over
someone who's being refined and 

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polished and perfect. 
Every single time, I will choose

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the former over the latter. 
That should tell you everything 

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that you need to know about how 
you should show up. 

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Yes, your earnestness, your 
honesty, your vulnerability are 

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going to push certain people 
away. 

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As I tell my clients all the 
time, you need to get 

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comfortable with losing certain 
people who are not in alignment 

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with you. 
That loss is actually a win. 

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But at the end of the day, you 
cannot be for everyone. 

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And it is in this attempt that 
people are wanting to put their 

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best foot forward digitally, 
either on a dating app, on 

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social media, wherever that is 
actually harming us as a society

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and as a species. 
It's harming our relationships. 

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It is eroding trust. 
It is increasing the amount of 

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insecurity out there because so 
many of us are experiencing 

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these micro moments of rejection
and disappointment when we are 

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being real. 
We need to start rewarding 

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realness. 
We need to stop characterizing 

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someone's vulnerability as being
cringe. 

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Go out there where your heart on
your sleeve. 

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Yes, you're going to get hurt. 
You're going to get rough and 

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tumbled a little bit, but please
do not let that discourage you. 

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It is a part of the journey. 
It is a part of learning what 

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you do not desire in 
relationships, which is just as 

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valuable as learning what you do
desire. 

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My biggest wish is that in 
dating, we can start being more 

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genuine. 
Truly, I hope we can get there, 

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because our species depends on 
it. 

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It depends on the ability of 
people to connect deeply. 

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That's what so many of us 
desire. 

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And yet our behavior, our 
attempt to be rewarded for our 

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distance and avoidance, is 
outweighing our need for 

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connection now, at least on a 
surface level. 

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I'll close by saying this, if 
you really want to connect, you 

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need to drop the ways that you 
protect or perfect, and I hope 

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that more of us can learn to do 
that. 

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Lean in to your authenticity. 
Lean in to what the young UNS 

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are calling being cringe. 
Be emotionally available, be 

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expressive, but most of all be 
true. 

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Be honest to yourself and where 
you are always. 

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You can't go wrong when you do 
this. 

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It will attract people who are 
looking for the same depth that 

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you are. 
All right and rant for today. 

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I'll link the articles from the 
cut and from time in the show 

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notes, so feel free to check 
those out. 

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And as always, you can reach out
to me at me at Crackliff, 

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CRACKL, iffe.com. 
Be sure to rate and review and 

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subscribe. 
It means a lot as an independent

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creator and every little bit 
helps. 

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Thank you all so much and I'll 
see you next time.