Hello everyone, and welcome back to Needy No More, the podcast
dedicated to healing the anxious attachment style.
I'm your host, anxious attachment style coach and
author Chris Ratcliffe. I've helped thousands of people
across 6 continents to end the cycle of anxious attachment
through my books, workshops, digital downloads, and coaching
program. I'm excited to carry on that
mission here on the podcast, sharing tools and techniques,
principles and practices for you to explore on your journey to
growing more secure. Welcome back everyone.
Today's a little bit different. I need to rant.
I'm not sure if you've seen, but there have been a few articles
lately, including In the Cut and Time that have talked about
being cringe in dating. I hate to even use that word
because it implies something that has such a negative
connotation for something that is deeply positive and human
wanting connection. Now, if you're not familiar with
this kind of trend or pattern, let me take a step back and
describe it for you. So lately, let's say in the past
few years in dating, many people will describe being overly
excited or overly effusive or overly commutative with someone
as cringe. You know, there's always kind of
been this descriptor of people who quote, UN quote, come on too
strong as having something wrong with them.
And yet what we know about neuroscience and the way the
brain works is that as human beings, we are neurologically
hardwired for connection. Our brain responds positively to
it. We thrive when we are surrounded
by healthy, positive connection. So it's a good thing.
It's something that is an innate human desire to hold, and yet
our society shames people for desiring it and rewards people
who are avoidant, distant, who hold back, who play games.
And this is something that has to stop in dating.
I think part of why there's such a dissatisfaction with the
current culture of dating and why people are rebelling against
the idea of things like dating apps and even reverting back to
things from the 90s and early 2000s like speed dating events
and more IRL analog approaches to dating is because of this
culture. Because someone's emotional
availability is described as quote UN quote cringe.
You can even hear it in the way that we discuss dating in the
dating discourse. Overall, there's a lot of
mentions of the ick, right? A lot of people will say this
person gave me the ick because they did this.
And if you're not familiar with this terminology, the ick means
someone gets turned off by some sort of action that the other
person has engaged in or some sort of behavior they've
exhibited or displayed. So someone experiencing the ick
is being turned off and sometimes we know these going
into our interactions with other people and sometimes we don't.
There are certain things that might cause us to be more
attracted to someone else that might increase attraction, and
there are certain things that might decrease attraction.
That is a tale as old as time that is genuine.
It's OK. You're never going to be 100%
attracted to someone. Everyone has their quirks.
Everyone has aspects of their personality that might push
someone else away, whether they intend to or not.
And yet again, culturally, we reward someone pulling away.
We say, Oh yeah, that would give me the ick, too.
And so there's a sort of social currency that has been derived
from finding someone's quirks, which are a natural part of
getting to know someone, and someone's differences as a
reason to discard them entirely. I hope it goes without saying,
but this is incredibly problematic and reductive and
oversimplified. Of course there are going to be
parts of a person that you don't like.
No one is perfect. Also, we need to have a very
serious conversation as a society and as a species about
how we are dating and mating. Perfection does not exist and
looking for the One has in many ways caused us to dismiss many
people that we can actually have very fruitful, meaningful, long
term connections with. There's a lot of options out
there now. Someone new is just a swipe
away. There are many, many people at
our fingertips at every second of every day.
So it's easier than ever to meet people and yet somehow harder
than ever to connect. I think in some ways to hiding
behind a screen causes us to perfect to put forward the best
possible version of ourselves. We see this on social media
because people only share the highlight reels from their life.
They only share the positive moments.
Very rarely do you see people sharing about their struggles or
talking very authentically or openly about something that
challenged them, versus sharing a win or a milestone or a
promotion or a baby announcement or a graduation or something
worth celebrating. And this isn't to diminish those
accomplishments at all, because we all have them and we all
deserve to be celebrated. But this is to say that many of
us have learned to be inauthentic through digital
experiences and through using devices and apps in particular.
This bleeds over into dating. Many of us select the photos
where we think we look the hottest.
We want to put the best possible foot forward on a dating app.
If we're going to make a first impression, let's make it a good
one. And this isn't to say that I
disagree with that, but that needs to be counterbalanced by
showing more of your personality, by being more
authentic to show instead of a perfectly perfected photo that's
filtered. Something that is less refined,
that's more real, raw, human, messy.
Balancing these aspects is something that I recommend many
of my clients do when they're creating their dating profiles.
Yes, put forward the image where you look hot.
Of course upload it. I wouldn't want you to keep it
from the app, but balance that with more moments that are
everyday because if that relationship is going to go
anywhere, if that match is going to turn into a conversation and
then a date and then more dates and then eventually a defining
of that relationship and being together in a committed
partnership, then that person is going to see those other sides
of you. And I hope that you let them see
those other sides of you little by little.
Fine, but give them a little preview of it at the outset.
Many people are going to listen to this and cringe at that.
You might even think, oh God, I could never do that.
I could never show my imperfections.
And look, I get it. It's hard to be vulnerable
because you're facing potential rejection and abandonment.
And for many of us on the anxious side of the attachment
spectrum, what could be more scary than that?
What could be more exposed than that?
That hits at some of our deepest core wounds.
But vulnerability and rejection are the price we pay for
connection. You can't have a real
relationship if you yourself aren't willing to get real.
So here's what I'll say If being real and authentic and true to
yourself, if embodying your values of wanting to communicate
and being earnest about how you feel about someone and
expressing interest pushes someone away, causes them to
cringe at your emotional availability and to dismiss you
and detach and distance themselves.
That is all the data that you need about being misaligned with
someone. Because when you open up your
heart and you share it with someone, when you share parts of
yourself with someone, you want them to be met with a relatively
high degree of safety and acceptance and openness.
And when someone is saying, uh, that's cringe.
Why is he messaging me so many times?
What they're really saying is I'm not ready for the kind of
depth that this person is offering.
I hope that we start to see more authenticity, more genuineness,
more cringe E Nos on dating apps and in dating experiences in
2026 and beyond. It's refreshing when someone
opens up and is honest about how they feel and what they want.
When someone lays their cards on the table and says, this is who
I am, this is what I'm looking for, this is what I desire,
that's real. That is a risk.
And if someone is going to treat that risk so carelessly, so
callously, then you want to know sooner rather than later.
So rejection actually does become a form of protection.
It's a way for you to suss out who's really ready for
connection and who's not. So be more cringe.
And perhaps we should even stop characterizing it as such.
I think that's probably a good direction for the discourse
around dating to take. Emotional availability is not
cringe. Authenticity is not cringe.
At this point in my life and in my healing, I consider myself
securely attached. I would pick every time the
person who is being honest and earnest, who's being real and
raw, who's being vulnerable over someone who's being refined and
polished and perfect. Every single time, I will choose
the former over the latter. That should tell you everything
that you need to know about how you should show up.
Yes, your earnestness, your honesty, your vulnerability are
going to push certain people away.
As I tell my clients all the time, you need to get
comfortable with losing certain people who are not in alignment
with you. That loss is actually a win.
But at the end of the day, you cannot be for everyone.
And it is in this attempt that people are wanting to put their
best foot forward digitally, either on a dating app, on
social media, wherever that is actually harming us as a society
and as a species. It's harming our relationships.
It is eroding trust. It is increasing the amount of
insecurity out there because so many of us are experiencing
these micro moments of rejection and disappointment when we are
being real. We need to start rewarding
realness. We need to stop characterizing
someone's vulnerability as being cringe.
Go out there where your heart on your sleeve.
Yes, you're going to get hurt. You're going to get rough and
tumbled a little bit, but please do not let that discourage you.
It is a part of the journey. It is a part of learning what
you do not desire in relationships, which is just as
valuable as learning what you do desire.
My biggest wish is that in dating, we can start being more
genuine. Truly, I hope we can get there,
because our species depends on it.
It depends on the ability of people to connect deeply.
That's what so many of us desire.
And yet our behavior, our attempt to be rewarded for our
distance and avoidance, is outweighing our need for
connection now, at least on a surface level.
I'll close by saying this, if you really want to connect, you
need to drop the ways that you protect or perfect, and I hope
that more of us can learn to do that.
Lean in to your authenticity. Lean in to what the young UNS
are calling being cringe. Be emotionally available, be
expressive, but most of all be true.
Be honest to yourself and where you are always.
You can't go wrong when you do this.
It will attract people who are looking for the same depth that
you are. All right and rant for today.
I'll link the articles from the cut and from time in the show
notes, so feel free to check those out.
And as always, you can reach out to me at me at Crackliff,
CRACKL, iffe.com. Be sure to rate and review and
subscribe. It means a lot as an independent
creator and every little bit helps.
Thank you all so much and I'll see you next time.