Hello everyone, and welcome back to Needy No More, the podcast
dedicated to healing the anxious attachment style.
I'm your host, anxious attachment style coach and
author Chris Ratcliffe. I've helped thousands of people
across 6 continents to end the cycle of anxious attachment
through my books, workshops, digital downloads, and 12 week
coaching program. I'm excited to carry on that
mission here in the podcast, sharing tools and techniques,
principles and practices for you to explore on your journey to
growing more secure. Welcome back to the show,
everyone. I'm planning to post new content
every two to three weeks moving forward.
That feels like a more sustainable cadence for me as a
solopreneur and someone who handles every single aspect of
my professional life. So with that said, I'm excited
to dive into today's episode, which is all about boundaries.
We're going to be talking about the differences between
boundaries and requests. We'll talk about why guilt is
natural to experience when you're learning to set
boundaries. We'll talk about the role of
nervous system dysregulation in perhaps overcompensating when it
comes to setting boundaries or being overly rigid or firm in
our boundary setting and so much more.
The very first thing that I want to do today is to read a chapter
from Needy No More, the book which is all about boundaries.
It's called Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries.
So I'm going to read that first and foremost, and then we'll
expand on some of the concepts that are introduced in that
chapter in the remainder of today's podcast episode.
So without further ado, here is the chapter from the book.
When it comes to relationships, five of the most powerful words
that you can ever wield are. That doesn't work for me.
This is the essence of a boundary, A guardrail for a
given relationship based on what makes you feel most connected
and respected. Your boundaries are based on
your values, and your values aren't up for collaboration or
negotiation. Those who truly care about you
will want to know your boundaries because they'll want
to know what makes you feel supported, understood, and cared
for. They'll want to know the ways in
which they can love you most loudly and effectively.
A powerful quote that conveys the purpose of boundaries is
from writer and somatics practitioner Prentice Hemphill,
who says boundaries are the distance at which I can love you
and me simultaneously. Boundaries are firm but
transparent. They don't keep people out.
They help to bring them in. They communicate how you can
love someone else while also loving yourself.
A boundary is communicated out of love, not out of fear.
It's an invitation to step forward together into a richer,
more meaningful version of the connection.
That doesn't always mean the other person will accept that
invitation. That's also not why we set
boundaries. Boundaries are just as much
about honoring ourselves as they are about the relationship in
which they're established. A relationship exists where the
boundaries of each individual overlap.
In this way, a lack of clear boundaries is a recipe for
losing yourself in a relationship, and thus for
codependency. Remember, no one comes with an
instruction manual of how to be loved.
We have to teach other people what works for us.
They need to do the same. Boundaries are how that process
unfolds. Boundaries are not requests,
though we can certainly request specific adjustments when we're
setting them. Think of boundaries like the
property lines of the relationship.
Just like your property lines aren't up for negotiation,
neither are your boundaries. It's you saying this is what
does and doesn't work for me in this relationship.
This is what caring for me looks like.
This is what I'm willing to tolerate here and what I plan to
do as a result. Here's an example.
Many anxious attachers deeply value connection and
communication, vulnerability and openness.
As a result, many of our boundaries revolve around these
values. It's absolutely OK to set a
boundary with someone by saying I completely understand and
respect that you're busy and have a life outside of our
relationship. But I've noticed that we
sometimes go extended periods without talking.
That doesn't work for me. I'd like to talk about ways that
we can connect and communicate more often that work for both of
us. If we're unable to compromise
here, I'm going to need to take a step back from this
relationship. While you're leaving room for
discussion around how to connect and communicate, you're not
negotiating whether it's going to happen.
A boundary is a statement. It's the declaration of the
borders of the relationship in which you're willing to exist,
as well as how you intend to enforce those borders.
A request, on the other hand, is a question.
It asks someone to make an adjustment to their behavior
That, in turn, will help you feel more appreciated,
supported, connected, and understood.
Using the above situation with long lapses in communication as
an example, a request might sound like I'd like you to
initiate communication a bit more by texting or calling me to
check in throughout the day. Is that something you're able to
do? Notice the inviting question at
the end here. A boundary is showing someone
where the door is and allowing them to open it and walk
through. A request is asking them to hold
the door for you as you both enter.
Boundaries could be expressed as next time I notice XI will do Y
because V is important to me. Take note of how the goal is not
to change their behavior X. The goal is to communicate what
the ramifications of that behavior will be for you.
Why? Based on what you value most
deeply. V requests, on the other hand,
could be expressed as instead of X can use Z.
In this case, we're directly asking for changed behavior Z,
rather than communicating how we'll change our behavior in
response. In the end, boundaries and
requests work hand in hand to help us communicate what does
and doesn't work for us in that relationship, as well as
occasionally what we'd like that person to do instead.
Whether it's saying no or using the examples provided above,
setting and keeping clear boundaries as well as making
requests can be one of the most difficult parts of healing from
anxious attachment and growing more secure.
That's because folks like us are deeply afraid of losing people,
pushing them away or letting them down in any possible way of
rocking the boat or feeling like we're being too much.
I know it was for me. For many years, I struggled to
tell people what did and didn't work for me.
But the more I learned to regulate my nervous system and
take care of myself, the more I wanted to share with others how
they could do the same. With practice, you'll learn to
express your boundaries and stand firm in your power.
You'll stop people pleasing and peacekeeping.
You'll take back control of your emotional well-being.
You'll grow out of patterns of overextending yourself on behalf
of others. Keep in mind that the folks who
have most benefited from your lack of boundaries will likely
be the most upset when you try to set firm ones.
Do your best not to fall into the trap of taking this
personally. It's not about you.
If they truly value and respect you, they'll be more than
willing to adhere to your boundaries and will express
remorse for making you feel anything other than supported
and appreciated. If you receive a different
response to communicating a boundary, take note and respond
accordingly with the energy you give and access you grant that
person. That said, boundaries are never
about trying to control the behaviour of others.
They are about expressing the opportunity for someone to
choose to remain a participant in our story in such a manner
that's in alignment with our values.
Ultimately, boundaries are meant to increase connection, not
diminish it. They support the safe expression
of love, not the restriction of it.
Boundaries lay out the lanes of this expression.
It's time to stand firm in your values.
It's time to stop abandoning yourself.
It's time to learn how to set and keep healthy boundaries.
Lastly, don't forget to set boundaries with yourself.
The guardrails provided by boundaries also apply to the
relationship we have with ourselves, and sometimes they're
the most helpful of all. For instance, setting boundaries
with yourself around screen time can help tremendously with your
anxiety. Setting boundaries with yourself
around when and how you use social media can be majorly
helpful as well. I've had other clients who've
set boundaries with themselves for how many drinks they'll have
on a date with someone, or how long they'll allow the date to
go before heading home. Still others have set boundaries
with themselves regarding the extent to which they'll be
physically intimate with someone while in the early stages of
dating. Reflect on your values and do
what feels most aligned for you. OK.
So as we talked about in that chapter just now, there is a
distinct difference between boundaries and requests, and
many people confuse them because they're kind of similar, but
their purpose is also different. So to remind you, requests are
asking someone else to change their behavior and boundaries
are a chance to communicate what we will do to protect our own
well-being. So boundaries are about what we
can control or our actions, not about controlling somebody
else's. So for instance, if you said
please don't call me after 9:00 PM, that's a request.
If you said if you call after 9 PMI won't answer, that's a
boundary. You see the difference?
And normally the request would take the form of a question.
So you would say, can you please not call me after 9:00 PM?
Or would it be possible to call me earlier than 9:00 PM?
That's an example of a request. Whereas with the boundary,
you're saying if you do this, I'm going to do that.
So if you call me after 9:00 PM, I'm not going to answer.
If you raise your voice and you yell at me and you get
defensive, I'm not going to continue this conversation.
I'm going to leave the room. Another example of a boundary
there. Now, an important distinction as
well is that boundaries are important with other people,
which is kind of where our mind goes first, right?
We start to think about how others may have violated our
values or not acted in a way that made us feel loved or
connected or appreciated. So maybe they know, and maybe
you've told them, you know, I want words of affirmation.
I really like it when you compliment me.
And they're not doing it. You can't control their
behavior, but you can let them know what you'll do in response.
Boundaries with others, yes, that is where most people's mind
goes first. But boundaries with yourself,
like I was talking about at the end of the chapter, are also
very important. Boundaries with others usually
take the form of saying no or talking about your limits or
what you're not willing to tolerate.
Creating distance. Boundaries with yourself have
more to do with not over committing, with protecting your
peace, with not allowing yourself to indulge your people
pleasing instincts or urges, and also with keeping your own
promises. When it comes to setting
boundaries with yourself, it's about how you spend your time
and energy, right? So you have to reflect on the
ways in which you might be misusing your time and energy
and then pull it back. And This is why in the chapter I
talked about not only your devices, so your phone, your
computer, etc, but also social media.
Many anxious attachers will use social media to stalk people, to
try to hunt and sleuth for information, to make themselves
feel safer or to confirm their lack of safety.
Usually, what is this person up to?
What are they doing? So setting those boundaries with
yourself is really important if you're breaking up with someone.
Going no contact is a great example of a boundary with
yourself and with someone else. Setting boundaries with yourself
can be challenging because you are both the enforcer and the
enforce E you're giving and receiving that boundary all in
one. So keep that in mind and be
gentle with yourself as you set boundaries.
As always, harshness doesn't heal OK, so bring some
compassion into this. Be gentle with yourself.
If you violate your own boundaries or you behave in a
way that's not super supportive in terms of the relationship
with your mind, your body and your spirit, that happens, OK,
Forgive yourself, process, firm up the boundary, move forward.
Another point that I think is really important to make about
boundaries is that they don't always have to be this big
dramatic sit down conversation. Like hi, are you available on
Thursday at 9:00 PM? There's something really
important I want to talk to you about.
Remember that a lot of communication is non verbal.
Not all communication has to be verbal.
That is really important because sometimes your actions are the
boundary and sometimes it's just no or no thank you, or I
appreciate it, but I can't make that work or that doesn't work
for me, but hopefully I can make it next time.
You can be gentle. You don't have to be overly
blunt or rude while setting a boundary, but you can say no and
thank them and move on, OK? It doesn't have to be a no.
That doesn't work for me, and here's why.
And this is the value that it's rooted in.
For bigger values and for conversations that have maybe
gotten delayed over time, you might need to do that.
But for an everyday boundary, you can just say I'm not
available for that. That doesn't work for me.
No, sorry, can't make it. I'll need to think about that
and get back to you. Those are all examples of
boundaries. You can keep it simple, clear
and calm. The next thing I want to talk
about is the role of guilt here. Guilt is absolutely natural to
arise when you are learning to set boundaries for yourself.
Remember, as an anxious attacher, you're also a people
pleaser. Your outward focus on other
people will cause you to try to manage their response or their
emotions. So you might think you're a bad
person for setting boundaries. You're not.
You might experience guilt or think that you've done something
wrong. That's par for the course.
It's a nervous system response to breaking old patterns.
If you've learned to self abandoned, which many anxious
attachers have, then when you learn to reassociate with your
experience and stand firm in your truth, it's going to feel
different and uncomfortable and like you're doing something
wrong. That's just because it's
unfamiliar. But your boundary itself is not
wrong. Your brain might equate setting
boundary with risking connection or potentially being abandoned.
That said, if standing up for your boundaries and talking
about what makes you feel appreciated and supported and
connected, and if a boundary which invites deeper connection
causes someone to disconnect from the relationship
altogether, then it does naturally make you question how
deep that connection was to begin with.
Someone who truly cares about you is going to want you to tell
them what works for you. They're not going to want to
guess at it. They're going to want you to be
clear and direct with them. And that process unfolds by
setting boundaries so you're actually doing them a service,
not a disservice, by making clear what works for you.
When it comes to setting boundaries, guilt is a sign of
growth, not a failure, OK? Be with that reaction that you
might have. Breathe into the discomfort.
Sit with it. Put your hand on your heart,
regulate the experience by being present with it and allowing the
emotion to work its way through you, allowing the energy to
pass. Now, sometimes when setting
boundaries, we can actually put up walls.
And I want to talk about why a lot of this boils down to
nervous system dysregulation. And if you've listened to the
podcast to date, you've heard me talk ad nauseam about nervous
system regulation and dysregulation.
Nervous system dysregulation is one of the six core experiences
of the anxious attachment cycle, and we explored that in an
episode of its own, but it has ramifications elsewhere.
A lot of people will be overly rigid in setting their
boundaries to the point of it being a wall and shutting people
out instead of inviting them in as a trauma response and as a
reaction to nervous system dysregulation.
So if someone's boundaries feel really drastic, really sudden,
and come out of nowhere with no explanation, it's probably an
overcompensation for or not setting boundaries previously,
which again, is rooted in nervous system dysregulation.
Remember, this is an overreaction to what's happening
in the environment. But for them, it might feel like
the straw that broke the camel's back.
It might be the final thing that makes them feel like, screw
this, I'm not doing this anymore.
Either do this, love me in this way, or I'm out.
And then boundaries can start to feel like ultimatums, even
though the other person always has a choice whether or not they
want to step up and participate in that kind of connection and
relationship. Think about it like this.
When someone becomes overly rigid in their boundary setting,
it's usually as a result of past violations of previous
boundaries that they've set or of emotional neglect.
So they're not necessarily responding to what's in front of
them. And you might not be doing that
either. You might be responding out of
previous times where you've swept everything under the rug
and and wanted to be the cool guy or cool girl or cool person
in order to not lose them. That can build up and accumulate
over time until there's an overreaction.
Overly rigid boundaries can look like ghosting, cutting someone
off out of nowhere, avoiding vulnerability, just completely
withdrawing from the connection. You know, there's a lot of
similarities here to protest behavior.
In fact, they're not mutually exclusive.
You know, when you become overly rigid in any regard in how you
connect with another person, it will take the form of protest
behavior. You're overreacting and you're
projecting all of that unprocessed energy and emotion
onto them. The difference here is that
these are fear based and rooted in survival, not rooted in
creating deeper connection or in your values.
You can honor your desire for safety and connection
simultaneously through learning to set boundaries that are
inclusive and that welcome someone in versus pushing them
away. Let's talk about a couple of
myths when it comes to setting boundaries.
These are kind of fun. The first one is that setting
boundaries is selfish. No, it's not.
It's self responsible, as you heard me explain in the chapter
from Needy No More, The book setting boundaries is a path to
a healthier relationship. It's that invitation to a deeper
kind of intimacy and connection. So it's actually irresponsible
not to set boundaries, not the other way around.
All right. Another myth is that boundaries
push people away. And this is a big one for an
anxious attacher. But the reality is, the truth
is, only those who benefit from your lack of boundaries will be
pushed away. Only folks who are only there
because of what they can get from you as a result of you not
having boundaries will be the ones that are pushed away.
While there might be a temporary pause in connection because they
might need time to process your boundary and perhaps they might
get a little defensive, some people do comes up all the time.
But people who care about connecting with you and who
truly love you will come back and stay.
They will say, you know what? I really appreciate you telling
me that because I don't want to treat you in a way that makes
you feel disrespected or misunderstood or unappreciated.
All right, one more myth here. Once you set a boundary, that's
it, You're all done. No, that couldn't be further
from the truth. The truth is that you're going
to often have to reinforce your boundaries and follow through on
them over time. You may just have to gently
remind someone like, hey, I know we talked about this, can we
revisit this conversation, things like that.
But know that it's not a one and done affair.
You're going to have to firm up your boundaries from time to
time and revisit those conversations.
And that's absolutely natural. I also thought it would be fun
to share some quotes that are all about boundaries and
boundary setting and the benefits of doing so.
I have nine of them here that I want to share, and I'll talk
about why each of them is powerful from my perspective.
The first one is from the queen herself, Brené Brown.
She says daring to set boundaries is about having the
courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing
others. That is so powerful.
I know so many of us are trying not to let other people down.
That's also part of the problem because we're caregiving, we're
managing their emotional experience instead of paying
attention to and being rooted in our own values, our own
experience, and helping to bring someone into that, which is what
the process of boundary setting is all about.
So this part here about even when we risk disappointing
others is something I want each and every person watching and
listening to this to reflect on the courage to love ourselves
even when we risk disappointing others.
Yes, that's what this is all about.
Second quote is from Tony Gaskins who says you teach
people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and
what you reinforce. If only I'd learned that lesson
earlier on in my life. We have to teach other people
what works for us and what doesn't.
As I mentioned in the chapter, we don't come with an
instruction manual of how to be loved.
That process unfolds by communicating preferences, by
speaking up when something occurs that we don't like, like
when someone might say something that we find offensive or make a
comment about something that we prefer.
They do not. The next quote is from Annie
Lamont, and she says no is a complete sentence.
Yes, it is. And that might feel harsh as an
anxious attacher. No, no, no.
There's a lot of different kinds of Nos.
Keep that in mind. It's how you say it that
matters, as with anything else. But this speaks to the point
that I was bringing up earlier, which is that boundaries don't
always have to be this big in depth sit down conversation.
It can just be no or no or no. Thank you.
Next we have a quote from JS Wolf, who says those who get
angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set
that boundary for. Yeah, that's a really good
point. Often times they're getting
upset when you set the boundary because they benefited from it
not being there. So this speaks to that.
The 5th quote here is from Jessica Moore, who says our
boundaries define our personal space, and we need to be
sovereign there in order to be able to step into our full power
and potential. Yes, this is a great point
because when you don't set boundaries, you're going to
misuse your finite resources, your time and your energy.
So actually when you set boundaries, it reinforces and
respects the need of your personal space and of that time
and energy so that it doesn't leak out into your life in
inefficient ways. The next quote is from Cheryl
Richardson, who says if you want to live an authentic, meaningful
life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting
others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that
some people just won't like you. It may not be easy, but it's
essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires,
values, and needs. Yes, you're going to ruffle
feathers people, It's OK. It is OK.
And yes, you will lose some people along the way, but an
honest conversation doesn't ruin real connection.
And never forget that. Another quote here is from
Laurie Buchanan who says just as we expect others to value our
boundaries, it's equally important for us to respect the
boundaries of others. Yes, I put this on the list for
a reason and it's coming back to me now, and that is because I
haven't mentioned this today. But we need to reciprocate that
as well. And that might be challenging at
times too. And as anxious attachers, it
might I feel like they're pushing us away.
Remember that this is a two way St.
They're inviting you into a richer form of connection that
works for them. Process your reaction, thank
them for telling you and then do your best to respect that
boundary moving forward. Next to last quote here is from
Chase Hill, who says stop asking why they keep doing it and start
asking why you keep allowing it. Wow, that might be my favorite
on the list. This is really super powerful.
You play a role in any dynamics and you're life relationally
that you do not enjoy. You are also complicit in that
because if you truly wanted it to end, you would stand up and
say no, I'm not tolerating that and you would pull back your
energy. Many of us don't do this and
that's part of the problem. Last quote here is from George
Bernard Shaw, who says the single biggest problem in
communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
This speaks to something really important, which is that direct,
clear communication is what leads to healthy intimacy and to
secure connection. It is okay for some things to be
left unsaid. Not everything needs to be
vocalized, and that's not realistic to expect, okay?
We covered a lot of ground today, from boundaries versus
requests to boundaries with others and boundaries with
ourselves, to respecting other people's boundaries and having
them respect ours. Some powerful quotes here to
wrap the episode. Why we're overly rigid in
setting boundaries sometimes. Take some time to process this
and journal or reflect on where in your life you might be
overdue for a boundary, or where in the past you could have set a
boundary in order to create a deeper kind of connection in
that relationship. Where have you perhaps
disrespected somebody else's boundaries?
Because we're always the villain in somebody else's story, right?
So where have you maybe gotten this wrong with other people as
well? Reflect on those.
See what comes to mind. If today's episode resonated
with you, feel free to leave a comment on Spotify to rate and
review the podcast on Apple, on Spotify, or wherever you might
be listening to this and shoot me a message.
My e-mail is me@crackliff.com. CRACKL, iffe.com.
I'll see you next time on the Needy No More Show.