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Hello everyone, and welcome back
to Needy No More, the podcast 

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dedicated to healing the anxious
attachment style. 

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I'm your host, anxious 
attachment style coach and 

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author Chris Ratcliffe. 
I've helped thousands of people 

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across 6 continents to end the 
cycle of anxious attachment 

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through my books, workshops, 
digital downloads, and 12 week 

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coaching program. 
I'm excited to carry on that 

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mission here in the podcast, 
sharing tools and techniques, 

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principles and practices for you
to explore on your journey to 

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growing more secure. 
Welcome back to the show, 

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everyone. 
I'm planning to post new content

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every two to three weeks moving 
forward. 

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That feels like a more 
sustainable cadence for me as a 

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solopreneur and someone who 
handles every single aspect of 

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my professional life. 
So with that said, I'm excited 

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to dive into today's episode, 
which is all about boundaries. 

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We're going to be talking about 
the differences between 

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boundaries and requests. 
We'll talk about why guilt is 

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natural to experience when 
you're learning to set 

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boundaries. 
We'll talk about the role of 

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nervous system dysregulation in 
perhaps overcompensating when it

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comes to setting boundaries or 
being overly rigid or firm in 

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our boundary setting and so much
more. 

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The very first thing that I want
to do today is to read a chapter

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from Needy No More, the book 
which is all about boundaries. 

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It's called Boundaries, 
Boundaries, boundaries. 

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So I'm going to read that first 
and foremost, and then we'll 

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expand on some of the concepts 
that are introduced in that 

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chapter in the remainder of 
today's podcast episode. 

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So without further ado, here is 
the chapter from the book. 

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When it comes to relationships, 
five of the most powerful words 

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that you can ever wield are. 
That doesn't work for me. 

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This is the essence of a 
boundary, A guardrail for a 

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given relationship based on what
makes you feel most connected 

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and respected. 
Your boundaries are based on 

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your values, and your values 
aren't up for collaboration or 

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negotiation. 
Those who truly care about you 

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will want to know your 
boundaries because they'll want 

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to know what makes you feel 
supported, understood, and cared

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for. 
They'll want to know the ways in

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which they can love you most 
loudly and effectively. 

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A powerful quote that conveys 
the purpose of boundaries is 

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from writer and somatics 
practitioner Prentice Hemphill, 

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who says boundaries are the 
distance at which I can love you

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and me simultaneously. 
Boundaries are firm but 

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transparent. 
They don't keep people out. 

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They help to bring them in. 
They communicate how you can 

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love someone else while also 
loving yourself. 

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A boundary is communicated out 
of love, not out of fear. 

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It's an invitation to step 
forward together into a richer, 

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more meaningful version of the 
connection. 

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That doesn't always mean the 
other person will accept that 

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invitation. 
That's also not why we set 

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boundaries. 
Boundaries are just as much 

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about honoring ourselves as they
are about the relationship in 

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which they're established. 
A relationship exists where the 

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boundaries of each individual 
overlap. 

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In this way, a lack of clear 
boundaries is a recipe for 

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losing yourself in a 
relationship, and thus for 

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codependency. 
Remember, no one comes with an 

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instruction manual of how to be 
loved. 

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We have to teach other people 
what works for us. 

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They need to do the same. 
Boundaries are how that process 

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unfolds. 
Boundaries are not requests, 

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though we can certainly request 
specific adjustments when we're 

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setting them. 
Think of boundaries like the 

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property lines of the 
relationship. 

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Just like your property lines 
aren't up for negotiation, 

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neither are your boundaries. 
It's you saying this is what 

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does and doesn't work for me in 
this relationship. 

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This is what caring for me looks
like. 

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This is what I'm willing to 
tolerate here and what I plan to

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do as a result. 
Here's an example. 

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Many anxious attachers deeply 
value connection and 

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communication, vulnerability and
openness. 

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As a result, many of our 
boundaries revolve around these 

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values. 
It's absolutely OK to set a 

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boundary with someone by saying 
I completely understand and 

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respect that you're busy and 
have a life outside of our 

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relationship. 
But I've noticed that we 

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sometimes go extended periods 
without talking. 

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That doesn't work for me. 
I'd like to talk about ways that

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we can connect and communicate 
more often that work for both of

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us. 
If we're unable to compromise 

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here, I'm going to need to take 
a step back from this 

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relationship. 
While you're leaving room for 

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discussion around how to connect
and communicate, you're not 

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negotiating whether it's going 
to happen. 

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A boundary is a statement. 
It's the declaration of the 

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borders of the relationship in 
which you're willing to exist, 

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as well as how you intend to 
enforce those borders. 

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A request, on the other hand, is
a question. 

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It asks someone to make an 
adjustment to their behavior 

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That, in turn, will help you 
feel more appreciated, 

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supported, connected, and 
understood. 

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Using the above situation with 
long lapses in communication as 

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an example, a request might 
sound like I'd like you to 

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initiate communication a bit 
more by texting or calling me to

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check in throughout the day. 
Is that something you're able to

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do? 
Notice the inviting question at 

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the end here. 
A boundary is showing someone 

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where the door is and allowing 
them to open it and walk 

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through. 
A request is asking them to hold

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the door for you as you both 
enter. 

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Boundaries could be expressed as
next time I notice XI will do Y 

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because V is important to me. 
Take note of how the goal is not

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to change their behavior X. 
The goal is to communicate what 

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the ramifications of that 
behavior will be for you. 

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Why? 
Based on what you value most 

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deeply. 
V requests, on the other hand, 

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could be expressed as instead of
X can use Z. 

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In this case, we're directly 
asking for changed behavior Z, 

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rather than communicating how 
we'll change our behavior in 

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response. 
In the end, boundaries and 

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requests work hand in hand to 
help us communicate what does 

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and doesn't work for us in that 
relationship, as well as 

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occasionally what we'd like that
person to do instead. 

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Whether it's saying no or using 
the examples provided above, 

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setting and keeping clear 
boundaries as well as making 

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requests can be one of the most 
difficult parts of healing from 

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anxious attachment and growing 
more secure. 

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That's because folks like us are
deeply afraid of losing people, 

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pushing them away or letting 
them down in any possible way of

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rocking the boat or feeling like
we're being too much. 

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I know it was for me. 
For many years, I struggled to 

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tell people what did and didn't 
work for me. 

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But the more I learned to 
regulate my nervous system and 

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take care of myself, the more I 
wanted to share with others how 

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they could do the same. 
With practice, you'll learn to 

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express your boundaries and 
stand firm in your power. 

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You'll stop people pleasing and 
peacekeeping. 

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You'll take back control of your
emotional well-being. 

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You'll grow out of patterns of 
overextending yourself on behalf

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of others. 
Keep in mind that the folks who 

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have most benefited from your 
lack of boundaries will likely 

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be the most upset when you try 
to set firm ones. 

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Do your best not to fall into 
the trap of taking this 

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personally. 
It's not about you. 

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If they truly value and respect 
you, they'll be more than 

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willing to adhere to your 
boundaries and will express 

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remorse for making you feel 
anything other than supported 

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and appreciated. 
If you receive a different 

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response to communicating a 
boundary, take note and respond 

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accordingly with the energy you 
give and access you grant that 

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person. 
That said, boundaries are never 

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about trying to control the 
behaviour of others. 

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They are about expressing the 
opportunity for someone to 

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choose to remain a participant 
in our story in such a manner 

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that's in alignment with our 
values. 

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Ultimately, boundaries are meant
to increase connection, not 

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diminish it. 
They support the safe expression

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of love, not the restriction of 
it. 

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Boundaries lay out the lanes of 
this expression. 

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It's time to stand firm in your 
values. 

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It's time to stop abandoning 
yourself. 

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It's time to learn how to set 
and keep healthy boundaries. 

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Lastly, don't forget to set 
boundaries with yourself. 

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The guardrails provided by 
boundaries also apply to the 

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relationship we have with 
ourselves, and sometimes they're

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the most helpful of all. 
For instance, setting boundaries

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with yourself around screen time
can help tremendously with your 

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anxiety. 
Setting boundaries with yourself

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around when and how you use 
social media can be majorly 

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helpful as well. 
I've had other clients who've 

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set boundaries with themselves 
for how many drinks they'll have

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on a date with someone, or how 
long they'll allow the date to 

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go before heading home. 
Still others have set boundaries

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with themselves regarding the 
extent to which they'll be 

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physically intimate with someone
while in the early stages of 

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dating. 
Reflect on your values and do 

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what feels most aligned for you.
OK. 

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So as we talked about in that 
chapter just now, there is a 

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distinct difference between 
boundaries and requests, and 

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many people confuse them because
they're kind of similar, but 

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their purpose is also different.
So to remind you, requests are 

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asking someone else to change 
their behavior and boundaries 

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are a chance to communicate what
we will do to protect our own 

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well-being. 
So boundaries are about what we 

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can control or our actions, not 
about controlling somebody 

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else's. 
So for instance, if you said 

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please don't call me after 9:00 
PM, that's a request. 

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If you said if you call after 9 
PMI won't answer, that's a 

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boundary. 
You see the difference? 

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And normally the request would 
take the form of a question. 

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So you would say, can you please
not call me after 9:00 PM? 

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Or would it be possible to call 
me earlier than 9:00 PM? 

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That's an example of a request. 
Whereas with the boundary, 

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you're saying if you do this, 
I'm going to do that. 

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So if you call me after 9:00 PM,
I'm not going to answer. 

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If you raise your voice and you 
yell at me and you get 

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defensive, I'm not going to 
continue this conversation. 

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I'm going to leave the room. 
Another example of a boundary 

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there. 
Now, an important distinction as

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well is that boundaries are 
important with other people, 

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which is kind of where our mind 
goes first, right? 

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We start to think about how 
others may have violated our 

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values or not acted in a way 
that made us feel loved or 

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connected or appreciated. 
So maybe they know, and maybe 

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you've told them, you know, I 
want words of affirmation. 

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I really like it when you 
compliment me. 

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And they're not doing it. 
You can't control their 

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behavior, but you can let them 
know what you'll do in response.

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Boundaries with others, yes, 
that is where most people's mind

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goes first. 
But boundaries with yourself, 

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like I was talking about at the 
end of the chapter, are also 

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very important. 
Boundaries with others usually 

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take the form of saying no or 
talking about your limits or 

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what you're not willing to 
tolerate. 

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Creating distance. 
Boundaries with yourself have 

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more to do with not over 
committing, with protecting your

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peace, with not allowing 
yourself to indulge your people 

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pleasing instincts or urges, and
also with keeping your own 

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promises. 
When it comes to setting 

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boundaries with yourself, it's 
about how you spend your time 

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and energy, right? 
So you have to reflect on the 

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ways in which you might be 
misusing your time and energy 

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and then pull it back. 
And This is why in the chapter I

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talked about not only your 
devices, so your phone, your 

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computer, etc, but also social 
media. 

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Many anxious attachers will use 
social media to stalk people, to

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try to hunt and sleuth for 
information, to make themselves 

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feel safer or to confirm their 
lack of safety. 

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Usually, what is this person up 
to? 

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What are they doing? 
So setting those boundaries with

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yourself is really important if 
you're breaking up with someone.

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Going no contact is a great 
example of a boundary with 

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yourself and with someone else. 
Setting boundaries with yourself

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can be challenging because you 
are both the enforcer and the 

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enforce E you're giving and 
receiving that boundary all in 

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one. 
So keep that in mind and be 

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gentle with yourself as you set 
boundaries. 

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As always, harshness doesn't 
heal OK, so bring some 

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compassion into this. 
Be gentle with yourself. 

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If you violate your own 
boundaries or you behave in a 

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way that's not super supportive 
in terms of the relationship 

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00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,880
with your mind, your body and 
your spirit, that happens, OK, 

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Forgive yourself, process, firm 
up the boundary, move forward. 

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Another point that I think is 
really important to make about 

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boundaries is that they don't 
always have to be this big 

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00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:24,440
dramatic sit down conversation. 
Like hi, are you available on 

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00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,480
Thursday at 9:00 PM? 
There's something really 

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00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:27,840
important I want to talk to you 
about. 

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00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:31,720
Remember that a lot of 
communication is non verbal. 

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Not all communication has to be 
verbal. 

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That is really important because
sometimes your actions are the 

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boundary and sometimes it's just
no or no thank you, or I 

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appreciate it, but I can't make 
that work or that doesn't work 

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for me, but hopefully I can make
it next time. 

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00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,280
You can be gentle. 
You don't have to be overly 

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00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:58,720
blunt or rude while setting a 
boundary, but you can say no and

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00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,240
thank them and move on, OK? 
It doesn't have to be a no. 

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00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,560
That doesn't work for me, and 
here's why. 

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00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,400
And this is the value that it's 
rooted in. 

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00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:10,120
For bigger values and for 
conversations that have maybe 

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00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,760
gotten delayed over time, you 
might need to do that. 

256
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,440
But for an everyday boundary, 
you can just say I'm not 

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00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,480
available for that. 
That doesn't work for me. 

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00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:22,600
No, sorry, can't make it. 
I'll need to think about that 

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00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,120
and get back to you. 
Those are all examples of 

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00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,040
boundaries. 
You can keep it simple, clear 

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00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,960
and calm. 
The next thing I want to talk 

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00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:35,240
about is the role of guilt here.
Guilt is absolutely natural to 

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00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:40,000
arise when you are learning to 
set boundaries for yourself. 

264
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,000
Remember, as an anxious 
attacher, you're also a people 

265
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,800
pleaser. 
Your outward focus on other 

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00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:50,360
people will cause you to try to 
manage their response or their 

267
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,600
emotions. 
So you might think you're a bad 

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00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,320
person for setting boundaries. 
You're not. 

269
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,160
You might experience guilt or 
think that you've done something

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00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,200
wrong. 
That's par for the course. 

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00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,720
It's a nervous system response 
to breaking old patterns. 

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00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,280
If you've learned to self 
abandoned, which many anxious 

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00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:10,040
attachers have, then when you 
learn to reassociate with your 

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00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:14,560
experience and stand firm in 
your truth, it's going to feel 

275
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:18,000
different and uncomfortable and 
like you're doing something 

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00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,680
wrong. 
That's just because it's 

277
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,120
unfamiliar. 
But your boundary itself is not 

278
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,640
wrong. 
Your brain might equate setting 

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00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:29,040
boundary with risking connection
or potentially being abandoned. 

280
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,800
That said, if standing up for 
your boundaries and talking 

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00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,560
about what makes you feel 
appreciated and supported and 

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00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:39,480
connected, and if a boundary 
which invites deeper connection 

283
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,440
causes someone to disconnect 
from the relationship 

284
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,920
altogether, then it does 
naturally make you question how 

285
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,880
deep that connection was to 
begin with. 

286
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:52,120
Someone who truly cares about 
you is going to want you to tell

287
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,400
them what works for you. 
They're not going to want to 

288
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,200
guess at it. 
They're going to want you to be 

289
00:15:56,200 --> 00:16:00,200
clear and direct with them. 
And that process unfolds by 

290
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,640
setting boundaries so you're 
actually doing them a service, 

291
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:06,320
not a disservice, by making 
clear what works for you. 

292
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,480
When it comes to setting 
boundaries, guilt is a sign of 

293
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:13,120
growth, not a failure, OK? 
Be with that reaction that you 

294
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,160
might have. 
Breathe into the discomfort. 

295
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,000
Sit with it. 
Put your hand on your heart, 

296
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,720
regulate the experience by being
present with it and allowing the

297
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,440
emotion to work its way through 
you, allowing the energy to 

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00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,680
pass. 
Now, sometimes when setting 

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00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,640
boundaries, we can actually put 
up walls. 

300
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,800
And I want to talk about why a 
lot of this boils down to 

301
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,960
nervous system dysregulation. 
And if you've listened to the 

302
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:39,480
podcast to date, you've heard me
talk ad nauseam about nervous 

303
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,520
system regulation and 
dysregulation. 

304
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:45,560
Nervous system dysregulation is 
one of the six core experiences 

305
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:49,040
of the anxious attachment cycle,
and we explored that in an 

306
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,880
episode of its own, but it has 
ramifications elsewhere. 

307
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,880
A lot of people will be overly 
rigid in setting their 

308
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,400
boundaries to the point of it 
being a wall and shutting people

309
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:04,520
out instead of inviting them in 
as a trauma response and as a 

310
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,079
reaction to nervous system 
dysregulation. 

311
00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:11,359
So if someone's boundaries feel 
really drastic, really sudden, 

312
00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:16,280
and come out of nowhere with no 
explanation, it's probably an 

313
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,560
overcompensation for or not 
setting boundaries previously, 

314
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,560
which again, is rooted in 
nervous system dysregulation. 

315
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,640
Remember, this is an 
overreaction to what's happening

316
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,359
in the environment. 
But for them, it might feel like

317
00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:30,040
the straw that broke the camel's
back. 

318
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,760
It might be the final thing that
makes them feel like, screw 

319
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,760
this, I'm not doing this 
anymore. 

320
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,320
Either do this, love me in this 
way, or I'm out. 

321
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,400
And then boundaries can start to
feel like ultimatums, even 

322
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,640
though the other person always 
has a choice whether or not they

323
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:49,520
want to step up and participate 
in that kind of connection and 

324
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,200
relationship. 
Think about it like this. 

325
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,520
When someone becomes overly 
rigid in their boundary setting,

326
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:59,760
it's usually as a result of past
violations of previous 

327
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:03,040
boundaries that they've set or 
of emotional neglect. 

328
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,880
So they're not necessarily 
responding to what's in front of

329
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,520
them. 
And you might not be doing that 

330
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,160
either. 
You might be responding out of 

331
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,240
previous times where you've 
swept everything under the rug 

332
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,520
and and wanted to be the cool 
guy or cool girl or cool person 

333
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:20,080
in order to not lose them. 
That can build up and accumulate

334
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,960
over time until there's an 
overreaction. 

335
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,680
Overly rigid boundaries can look
like ghosting, cutting someone 

336
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,960
off out of nowhere, avoiding 
vulnerability, just completely 

337
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,920
withdrawing from the connection.
You know, there's a lot of 

338
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,240
similarities here to protest 
behavior. 

339
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,440
In fact, they're not mutually 
exclusive. 

340
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,640
You know, when you become overly
rigid in any regard in how you 

341
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:45,600
connect with another person, it 
will take the form of protest 

342
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,000
behavior. 
You're overreacting and you're 

343
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:52,120
projecting all of that 
unprocessed energy and emotion 

344
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,240
onto them. 
The difference here is that 

345
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:58,680
these are fear based and rooted 
in survival, not rooted in 

346
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,120
creating deeper connection or in
your values. 

347
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:05,680
You can honor your desire for 
safety and connection 

348
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,680
simultaneously through learning 
to set boundaries that are 

349
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:14,080
inclusive and that welcome 
someone in versus pushing them 

350
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,840
away. 
Let's talk about a couple of 

351
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,440
myths when it comes to setting 
boundaries. 

352
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,600
These are kind of fun. 
The first one is that setting 

353
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,160
boundaries is selfish. 
No, it's not. 

354
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,840
It's self responsible, as you 
heard me explain in the chapter 

355
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:32,120
from Needy No More, The book 
setting boundaries is a path to 

356
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:36,600
a healthier relationship. 
It's that invitation to a deeper

357
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:41,200
kind of intimacy and connection.
So it's actually irresponsible 

358
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,840
not to set boundaries, not the 
other way around. 

359
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,920
All right. 
Another myth is that boundaries 

360
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,560
push people away. 
And this is a big one for an 

361
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,800
anxious attacher. 
But the reality is, the truth 

362
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,560
is, only those who benefit from 
your lack of boundaries will be 

363
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:59,440
pushed away. 
Only folks who are only there 

364
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,400
because of what they can get 
from you as a result of you not 

365
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,560
having boundaries will be the 
ones that are pushed away. 

366
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,800
While there might be a temporary
pause in connection because they

367
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,320
might need time to process your 
boundary and perhaps they might 

368
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,360
get a little defensive, some 
people do comes up all the time.

369
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:21,880
But people who care about 
connecting with you and who 

370
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,080
truly love you will come back 
and stay. 

371
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:28,240
They will say, you know what? 
I really appreciate you telling 

372
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,760
me that because I don't want to 
treat you in a way that makes 

373
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,560
you feel disrespected or 
misunderstood or unappreciated. 

374
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,880
All right, one more myth here. 
Once you set a boundary, that's 

375
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,960
it, You're all done. 
No, that couldn't be further 

376
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,520
from the truth. 
The truth is that you're going 

377
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:48,960
to often have to reinforce your 
boundaries and follow through on

378
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,400
them over time. 
You may just have to gently 

379
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,760
remind someone like, hey, I know
we talked about this, can we 

380
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,480
revisit this conversation, 
things like that. 

381
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,040
But know that it's not a one and
done affair. 

382
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,680
You're going to have to firm up 
your boundaries from time to 

383
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,520
time and revisit those 
conversations. 

384
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,320
And that's absolutely natural. 
I also thought it would be fun 

385
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,960
to share some quotes that are 
all about boundaries and 

386
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,280
boundary setting and the 
benefits of doing so. 

387
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,640
I have nine of them here that I 
want to share, and I'll talk 

388
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,360
about why each of them is 
powerful from my perspective. 

389
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,560
The first one is from the queen 
herself, Brené Brown. 

390
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,960
She says daring to set 
boundaries is about having the 

391
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:31,000
courage to love ourselves even 
when we risk disappointing 

392
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,440
others. 
That is so powerful. 

393
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:37,600
I know so many of us are trying 
not to let other people down. 

394
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,440
That's also part of the problem 
because we're caregiving, we're 

395
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,040
managing their emotional 
experience instead of paying 

396
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:48,840
attention to and being rooted in
our own values, our own 

397
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,960
experience, and helping to bring
someone into that, which is what

398
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,240
the process of boundary setting 
is all about. 

399
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,800
So this part here about even 
when we risk disappointing 

400
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,400
others is something I want each 
and every person watching and 

401
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,480
listening to this to reflect on 
the courage to love ourselves 

402
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,600
even when we risk disappointing 
others. 

403
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,240
Yes, that's what this is all 
about. 

404
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:14,600
Second quote is from Tony 
Gaskins who says you teach 

405
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:18,320
people how to treat you by what 
you allow, what you stop and 

406
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,240
what you reinforce. 
If only I'd learned that lesson 

407
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,800
earlier on in my life. 
We have to teach other people 

408
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,720
what works for us and what 
doesn't. 

409
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,600
As I mentioned in the chapter, 
we don't come with an 

410
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,680
instruction manual of how to be 
loved. 

411
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:35,840
That process unfolds by 
communicating preferences, by 

412
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:40,360
speaking up when something 
occurs that we don't like, like 

413
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:43,880
when someone might say something
that we find offensive or make a

414
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,920
comment about something that we 
prefer. 

415
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,280
They do not. 
The next quote is from Annie 

416
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:53,360
Lamont, and she says no is a 
complete sentence. 

417
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,680
Yes, it is. 
And that might feel harsh as an 

418
00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:02,880
anxious attacher. 
No, no, no. 

419
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,520
There's a lot of different kinds
of Nos. 

420
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,640
Keep that in mind. 
It's how you say it that 

421
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,360
matters, as with anything else. 
But this speaks to the point 

422
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,840
that I was bringing up earlier, 
which is that boundaries don't 

423
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,000
always have to be this big in 
depth sit down conversation. 

424
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,920
It can just be no or no or no. 
Thank you. 

425
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:25,720
Next we have a quote from JS 
Wolf, who says those who get 

426
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,880
angry when you set a boundary 
are the ones you need to set 

427
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,080
that boundary for. 
Yeah, that's a really good 

428
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,720
point. 
Often times they're getting 

429
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:37,880
upset when you set the boundary 
because they benefited from it 

430
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,800
not being there. 
So this speaks to that. 

431
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:45,080
The 5th quote here is from 
Jessica Moore, who says our 

432
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,080
boundaries define our personal 
space, and we need to be 

433
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:52,280
sovereign there in order to be 
able to step into our full power

434
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,800
and potential. 
Yes, this is a great point 

435
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,680
because when you don't set 
boundaries, you're going to 

436
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:02,760
misuse your finite resources, 
your time and your energy. 

437
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:06,640
So actually when you set 
boundaries, it reinforces and 

438
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:10,880
respects the need of your 
personal space and of that time 

439
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,880
and energy so that it doesn't 
leak out into your life in 

440
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,840
inefficient ways. 
The next quote is from Cheryl 

441
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:21,920
Richardson, who says if you want
to live an authentic, meaningful

442
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:25,760
life, you need to master the art
of disappointing and upsetting 

443
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,400
others, hurting feelings, and 
living with the reality that 

444
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:32,080
some people just won't like you.
It may not be easy, but it's 

445
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:35,320
essential if you want your life 
to reflect your deepest desires,

446
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,080
values, and needs. 
Yes, you're going to ruffle 

447
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:42,720
feathers people, It's OK. 
It is OK. 

448
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,760
And yes, you will lose some 
people along the way, but an 

449
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,400
honest conversation doesn't ruin
real connection. 

450
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,080
And never forget that. 
Another quote here is from 

451
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:55,480
Laurie Buchanan who says just as
we expect others to value our 

452
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,560
boundaries, it's equally 
important for us to respect the 

453
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:01,200
boundaries of others. 
Yes, I put this on the list for 

454
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,000
a reason and it's coming back to
me now, and that is because I 

455
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,000
haven't mentioned this today. 
But we need to reciprocate that 

456
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,440
as well. 
And that might be challenging at

457
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,560
times too. 
And as anxious attachers, it 

458
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,640
might I feel like they're 
pushing us away. 

459
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,040
Remember that this is a two way 
St. 

460
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,320
They're inviting you into a 
richer form of connection that 

461
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,880
works for them. 
Process your reaction, thank 

462
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:24,880
them for telling you and then do
your best to respect that 

463
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:28,040
boundary moving forward. 
Next to last quote here is from 

464
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:32,760
Chase Hill, who says stop asking
why they keep doing it and start

465
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,960
asking why you keep allowing it.
Wow, that might be my favorite 

466
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,920
on the list. 
This is really super powerful. 

467
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,720
You play a role in any dynamics 
and you're life relationally 

468
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:46,120
that you do not enjoy. 
You are also complicit in that 

469
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:49,680
because if you truly wanted it 
to end, you would stand up and 

470
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:53,400
say no, I'm not tolerating that 
and you would pull back your 

471
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,360
energy. 
Many of us don't do this and 

472
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:58,000
that's part of the problem. 
Last quote here is from George 

473
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,520
Bernard Shaw, who says the 
single biggest problem in 

474
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:05,880
communication is the illusion 
that it has taken place. 

475
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,880
This speaks to something really 
important, which is that direct,

476
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:14,640
clear communication is what 
leads to healthy intimacy and to

477
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,080
secure connection. 
It is okay for some things to be

478
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,480
left unsaid. 
Not everything needs to be 

479
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,960
vocalized, and that's not 
realistic to expect, okay? 

480
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,520
We covered a lot of ground 
today, from boundaries versus 

481
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:31,320
requests to boundaries with 
others and boundaries with 

482
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:35,160
ourselves, to respecting other 
people's boundaries and having 

483
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:38,120
them respect ours. 
Some powerful quotes here to 

484
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:41,640
wrap the episode. 
Why we're overly rigid in 

485
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,200
setting boundaries sometimes. 
Take some time to process this 

486
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,800
and journal or reflect on where 
in your life you might be 

487
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:53,760
overdue for a boundary, or where
in the past you could have set a

488
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:58,440
boundary in order to create a 
deeper kind of connection in 

489
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,200
that relationship. 
Where have you perhaps 

490
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,400
disrespected somebody else's 
boundaries? 

491
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,280
Because we're always the villain
in somebody else's story, right?

492
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,120
So where have you maybe gotten 
this wrong with other people as 

493
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:11,760
well? 
Reflect on those. 

494
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:14,480
See what comes to mind. 
If today's episode resonated 

495
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:18,800
with you, feel free to leave a 
comment on Spotify to rate and 

496
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:23,080
review the podcast on Apple, on 
Spotify, or wherever you might 

497
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,320
be listening to this and shoot 
me a message. 

498
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:34,360
My e-mail is me@crackliff.com. 
CRACKL, iffe.com. 

499
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,840
I'll see you next time on the 
Needy No More Show.