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Hello everyone and welcome back 
to Needy No More, the podcast 

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dedicated to healing the anxious
attachment style. 

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I'm your host, anxious 
attachment style coach and 

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author Chris Ratcliffe. 
I've helped thousands of people 

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across 6 continents to end the 
cycle of anxious attachment 

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through my books, workshops, 
digital downloads, and coaching 

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program. 
I'm excited to carry on that 

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mission here on the podcast, 
sharing tools and techniques, 

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principles and practices for you
to explore on your journey to 

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growing more secure. 
Welcome back to the show 

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everyone. 
I'm excited to dive into today's

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topic. 
It's something different that I 

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haven't covered yet, and that is
what a secure relationship 

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actually looks like. 
As many of us know from 

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experience, because we struggle 
with anxious attachment, we 

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often haven't had a whole lot of
healthy models for secure 

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relating in our lives. 
Without those examples of what 

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secure attachment and secure 
relationships actually look 

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like, we might unconsciously 
push away the very intimacy and 

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connection that we crave. 
So today we're going to do 

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something very interesting, 
which is to unpack what these 

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kinds of relationships actually 
look like. 

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One of the very first things 
that I have my coaching clients 

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do in the program is an exercise
that I call secure role models. 

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And in this exercise, the client
identifies a secure couple in 

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their life. 
Now, even hearing that might 

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make you struggle to think of a 
secure example or relationship 

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in your own life. 
That is not uncommon. 

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It happens all the time. 
One of the most common messages 

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I receive from my clients is 
when they do this exercise, 

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which is Chris. 
I can't think of a healthy 

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couple of relationship in my 
life that I want to model after.

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That is not a coincidence. 
For many of us as anxious 

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attachers, we equate secure 
attachment or healthy 

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relationships with perfection. 
This is part of the problem. 

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So what we're going to do today 
and what the Secure Role Models 

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Exercise actually helps my 
clients to do is to get under 

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the hood and see what this 
actually looks like. 

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So we're not just talking 
philosophically or conceptually 

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about what a healthy 
relationship is. 

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We're actually getting up close 
and personal into the nitty 

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gritty of how couples actually 
make it work. 

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Between the two of them, what 
you might find is there's a lot 

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of messiness, there's a lot of 
imperfection, there's a good 

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amount of conflict and 
disagreement. 

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But these couples have found a 
way of navigating their 

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relationship that works for them
now. 

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I went back through five years 
of these exercises that my 

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clients have shared with me, and
I found some commonalities, some

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patterns among the qualitative 
data. 

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So we're going to do three 
things today, and the first is 

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to walk through those 
qualitative insights, through 

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the patterns that emerged from 
analyzing these client exercises

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and really examine how couples 
make their relationship secure 

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and build that security from 
there. 

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The second thing we'll do is to 
extrapolate some secure 

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relational principles. 
So we'll start by getting that 

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qualitative data, then we'll 
back into some of the principles

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and concepts, and then we'll 
close with an audit that you can

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do if you're in a relationship 
or when you get into your next 

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relationship that can indicate 
the level or degree of secure 

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relating or attaching. 
Very interesting stuff ahead. 

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Let's start with the evidence. 
Here's what secure couples 

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actually do in practice. 
They ask for consent before hard

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conversations. 
They don't force any kind of 

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emotional processing or 
discussions. 

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One person in the data set 
described it this way. 

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When she wants to talk about 
something important and he wants

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to process or decompress, first 
she journals everything and then

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they come together to share the 
topic. 

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The time is usually decided 
beforehand with that question. 

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Do you have the space to talk 
about something big? 

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Another couple texts each other.
Hey I want to talk about X 

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later. 
Not urgent, but when you have 

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the space this actually gives 
the other person time to 

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mentally prepare instead of 
feeling ambushed. 

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This was something that came up 
multiple times from this 

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exercise. 
People asking for consent and 

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alerting their partner before 
having a big discussion or 

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talking about something that 
fell perhaps heavy or 

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consequential. 
The next thing that came up in 

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the data is healthy partners 
slow down instead of escalating.

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They journal before they talk. 
They write emails and then edit 

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them. 
One couple describes this 

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practice. 
At times. 

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We write a letter or e-mail to 
each other, sit with what we 

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said, edit it, and then share it
with one another. 

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It helps us consider if what 
we're saying is worth it or if 

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it's just something charged in 
the moment. 

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It gives us space to sit on it. 
We write everything down, get 

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the feelings out, and don't send
it until it feels right, ready, 

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correct. 
It also helps with words not 

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getting misconstrued. 
We did this a lot in the 

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beginning of the relationship. 
Another couple will take car 

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rides to discuss serious topics 
because it feels less 

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confrontational, they said. 
We found that being in the car 

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driving somewhere helps us 
communicate better because we 

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both focus on the conversation 
but also can't get too 

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aggravated. 
It's like a good balanced 

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environment for us. 
So there's a lot of 

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intentionality here when it 
comes to communication, whether 

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that's asking beforehand if 
they're in the right space or 

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slowing down to process through 
writing or in a different 

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environment. 
The third thing that came up 

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when analyzing the data from 
this exercise is these couples, 

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secure couples don't yell or 
name call. 

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This was almost universal across
all of the interviews. 

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There was number verbal 
aggression, no public 

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humiliation. 
One person said they do not yell

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when they disagree, but rather 
maturely discuss it. 

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They do not blame, they give 
each other the benefit of the 

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doubt. 
Another shared. 

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I used to pick fights and cause 
conflict because that's what I 

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grew up with. 
That was what I knew. 

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But because he is securely 
attached, I was able to 

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eventually settle out of that 
and slowly realized that life 

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didn't have to be this way. 
My relationship didn't have to 

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be up and down and all around 
like that. 

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So there's a good amount of 
goodwill here of positive 

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affection. 
Even in the midst of conflict or

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disagreement, there's respect. 
That brings us to the next 1. 

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I actually use this word. 
They assume goodwill. 

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They assume positive intent. 
Instead of saying things like, 

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why would you do that? 
It's help me understand what 

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happened. 
There's an inclusiveness, 

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there's a desire to understand 
one another. 

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One person even said they give 
each other the benefit of the 

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doubt. 
They speak from their feelings 

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and use. 
I statements. 

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This is a big one that I have my
clients do as well. 

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I statements over you 
statements. 

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You statements can feel like 
you're attacking someone or 

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criticizing them or just putting
all the focus on them instead of

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talking about your own emotional
experience. 

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Another described it this way. 
When conflict comes up, I ask 

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myself, does this make sense or 
am I getting triggered? 

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Is there some underlying wound 
within myself? 

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There's a part of me that wants 
to avoid conflict, doesn't want 

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to hear what she's saying. 
I spend some time with myself. 

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Again, this is another note 
about processing and 

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intentionality. 
But there's usually an 

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assumption that the partner did 
not intend any kind of 

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maliciousness or that they had 
any male intent. 

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Next, they stay on the same 
team. 

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This is a big one. 
When conflict comes up in a 

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relationship, many folks will 
look at their partner as the 

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threat or the enemy or the 
villain, the person in the 

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wrong. 
But these couples, the ones who 

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were analyzed as a part of this 
exercise, they remind each other

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consistently that it's US 
against the issue. 

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They actually soothe spirals, 
they calm chaos, they don't 

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embarrass each other in front of
other people. 

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They also don't avoid the issue,
but they recognize that together

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they can make a lot more 
progress than fighting against 

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one another. 
One person shared if we're out 

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to brunch and one of them is 
stressed, the other will very 

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quickly pick up on it and talk 
them down before they spiral. 

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But they don't downplay what 
caused the frustration, they 

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just talked them through it. 
Give them space to calm down 

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whatever they might need. 
It's really awesome to watch. 

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And this is one of my clients 
describing from a third person 

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perspective what this dynamic 
actually looks like in practice.

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Oh, this next 1 is big. 
They don't keep score. 

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Multiple couples through this 
exercise mentioned this 

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explicitly. 
Their needs are met without 

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tracking who did more than the 
other. 

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One person said they aren't 
super transactional or keeping 

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score. 
They keep each other mentally 

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stimulated and engaged and make 
sure they show up for each other

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if the other person is 
struggling. 

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Nay, Brown herself, the queen of
emotions and shame, research and

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vulnerability. 
She actually says that 5050 is 

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bull. 
And I agree, it's never going to

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be 5050. 
Someone's usually giving a 

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little bit more or at times a 
lot more than the other person, 

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but there needs to be that 
reciprocity. 

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If one person's doing that, they
can't be doing it all the time. 

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The healthy couples here, they 
didn't keep track of this 

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because they knew that it would 
even out over time. 

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They weren't tallying who did 
what when and marking it down in

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a book. 
They just keep a mental note and

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they consider what the other 
person is doing for them next. 

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They protect independence. 
This came up a lot through the 

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data. 
Independence is massively 

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important for healthy, secure 
relationships. 

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They have friends outside of the
relationship. 

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They spend time alone or in 
solitude. 

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They have separate interests and
hobbies and passions and goals. 

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They recognize that security is 
not possession. 

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They can let go and let the 
other person have some space. 

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Let there be breathability. 
One person said they appreciate 

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that they are each independent 
people with things that give 

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them joy outside of the 
relationship. 

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They feel this makes them a 
better partner when they come 

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back to the relationship. 
It's true you're sharpening 

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skills elsewhere and feeling 
more fulfilled in your life when

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you do this. 
Another shared. 

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One person needs space to enjoy 
his time alone, while his 

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partner would rather spend time 
at home. 

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Even though the two have 
different styles and functioning

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independently, they're able to 
communicate their needs, 

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boundaries and accept what their
partner is unable to provide 

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them and find other resources to
fill that void. 

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That independence, that space, 
that autonomy helps with that 

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kind of emotional 
diversification, which we've 

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talked about on the show before.
Who I love this one. 

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They move on from small 
conflicts quickly. 

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They don't stay mad about minor 
issues. 

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They don't make every 
disagreement existential or 

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about the future of the 
relationship. 

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One couple said communicating 
every feeling and emotion is 

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very helpful, but not always the
easiest. 

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What has helped us the most is 
to move on quickly, not staying 

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mad for a long time. 
This is pertaining to simple 

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things. 
Another described sometimes you 

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win, but you still lose. 
We're better at dropping 

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something when we don't like 
where something is going. 

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We've realized that hitting the 
pause button is something that 

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we can do. 
It feels like we're letting 

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something hang. 
But it's good because it helps 

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us avoid getting into 
conversations that will 

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undermine our connection. 
So there's not a lot of 

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harboring of resentment. 
Again, this goes back to keeping

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score because they're not 
tallying up the small stuff and 

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letting that add up to be 
something bigger. 

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They address it head on. 
They do so quickly, but they 

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move through the experience of 
conflict pretty quickly. 

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Next, they take responsibility 
for their triggers. 

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Several people in the data 
mentioned therapy, self 

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reflection, pausing when 
activated, noticing resentment 

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early, and taking time to 
process. 

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One person shared when there's 
an emotional reaction out of 

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proportion to what we're talking
about, we figure out a way to 

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move beyond that and process it.
We're both still individuals on 

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a journey of healing ourselves. 
We make space for ourselves, so 

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they're each taking 
responsibility for what 

237
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:19,360
activates their wounds, for what
is triggering for them. 

238
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This also hits another important
point, which is they don't 

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expect their partner to be 
responsible for their feelings 

240
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,520
and they have other environments
in which they're able to process

241
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,400
those feelings. 
Oh I love this one. 

242
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:36,240
They have mental lists of what 
the other person needs. 

243
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:40,200
This was really a beautiful 
detail that emerged from 

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00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,600
analyzing this set of exercises.
One couple described it this 

245
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,480
way. 
When one of them isn't happy, 

246
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they have lists for each other 
mentally in their heads on what 

247
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the other needs. 
And they asked lovingly, hey, do

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you need XY's? 
Another said. 

249
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Both partners know to have lists
in their head of what the other 

250
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,040
wants to receive in terms of 
love language. 

251
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,560
They're sensitive to each 
other's moods. 

252
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:06,600
I love this because it's really 
considering what the other 

253
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:10,760
person has shown you over the 
course of the relationship that 

254
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makes them feel appreciated and 
understood. 

255
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,280
And that's kind of one of the 
beautiful parts of being in a 

256
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:20,400
long term relationship, even non
romantically, even platonically.

257
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Having people in your life that 
recognize he prefers this over 

258
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,640
this, that helps tremendously. 
Keeping tabs of this, not 

259
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:32,560
keeping score, but keeping tabs 
of what helps the other person 

260
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is tremendously thoughtful and a
huge sign of secure relating. 

261
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,120
All right, this last one might 
seem basic, but bear with me 

262
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:45,560
because it's super important. 
They genuinely like each other. 

263
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,400
These couples were very playful 
and affectionate. 

264
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:52,080
They had inside jokes. 
They enjoyed doing simple things

265
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,000
together. 
They genuinely appreciated the 

266
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,240
presence of the other person in 
their life. 

267
00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,400
They recognize that security 
isn't just stability. 

268
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:04,120
It's warmth, it's comfort, it's 
ease. 

269
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,800
One person said they laugh at 
the inconveniences and moments 

270
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,720
of stress because they are on 
the adventure together. 

271
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:15,160
I love that they love similar 
things and it allows them to 

272
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,800
explore their passions and 
interests together. 

273
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:21,880
Another shared there is mutual 
respect and affection. 

274
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,200
They seem at ease and relaxed 
with each other. 

275
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:29,200
I didn't detect much anxiety. 
Now here's an interesting plot 

276
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,240
twist. 
A few of these secure role 

277
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,520
models still had avoidant 
patterns. 

278
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:38,320
Some ignored issues until they 
were forced to address them, and

279
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:42,240
some needed therapy early on. 
One couple even went through 

280
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:47,040
infidelity and reconciliation. 
It took months of processing 

281
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,800
accountability and rebuilding 
trust. 

282
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,720
So what I want to instill here, 
or drive home to everyone 

283
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:57,360
watching and listening, is that 
secure couples are not perfect. 

284
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,920
The lesson that this 
demonstrates is that secure 

285
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:03,400
couples are committed to repair 
and responsibility. 

286
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:08,000
And that means even when their 
patterns aren't ideal, or 

287
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:12,080
positive for that matter, one 
person put it perfectly. 

288
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,200
The first five years of their 
marriage was extremely tough. 

289
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,640
They didn't know each other long
before they got married, but 

290
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,240
once they decided that divorce 
was off the table, they began to

291
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,120
put in the work. 
That's when they felt secure 

292
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,160
enough to genuinely say what 
they were feeling, even if they 

293
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,000
knew it would upset the other 
person because they each knew 

294
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,840
the other person wasn't going 
anywhere. 

295
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,800
But they also knew they needed 
to express their feelings in a 

296
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,440
loving way, not a mean or cruel 
1. 

297
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:44,440
So there you have it. 
That's how five years worth of 

298
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,480
secure couples that have been 
identified by the clients that I

299
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:51,520
have worked with have actually 
made their relationship secure 

300
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:55,160
and built secure attaching and 
relating with one another. 

301
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:59,320
This is the magic. 
So definitely pay attention, but

302
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,400
I want to actually distill this 
down into concepts that are easy

303
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,319
to understand and to take away 
things that really cut through 

304
00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:12,240
some of the qualitative examples
I just provided that help you to

305
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:17,599
understand conceptually what 
actually makes someone secure in

306
00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:20,839
terms of relating as a couple. 
The very first principle that 

307
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:25,040
presented itself when I was 
analyzing everything was a sense

308
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,840
of trust. 
Now, when I talk to clients 

309
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:33,040
about trusting, I always tell 
them that there are two 

310
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:38,080
components to pay attention to. 
The first is trust that is just 

311
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,560
freely given. 
It's a general assumption that 

312
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,400
the other person means well. 
This is what it means to give 

313
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,280
someone the benefit of the 
doubt, and trusting them until 

314
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,160
they prove you otherwise is very
important. 

315
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:56,360
The second element of trust is 
earned, so you have freely given

316
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,640
there's kind of goodwill benefit
of the doubt. 

317
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,280
OK, until you prove otherwise, 
I'm going to assume innocence 

318
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:06,360
until proven guilty, and then 
this part is earned. 

319
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,760
So through someone's words and 
actions aligning over time, you 

320
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,200
build trust. 
In general, this feels like not 

321
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:19,560
bracing for betrayal, not being 
blindly optimistic, but not 

322
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,680
constantly monitoring what the 
other person is doing. 

323
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,580
There's a reliability here 
that's really important to under

324
00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:31,240
score reliability, consistency. 
They build trust, but there's 

325
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:34,880
also an element of this where we
have to give them trust and 

326
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:39,160
learn to allow ourselves to 
trust other people. 

327
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,600
Many of us have been hurt a lot,
so it can be hard to do this, 

328
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,080
but we have to open up our heart
once more. 

329
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,760
Vulnerability is the cost of 
connection. 

330
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,400
It's the price we have to pay to
put ourselves out there and risk

331
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,160
our heart once again. 
OK. 

332
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,840
The second concept or principle 
that emerged was emotional 

333
00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:01,680
safety, the ability to be 
yourself fully, to express your 

334
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,280
full truth. 
Not every single feeling, not 

335
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:09,800
every single infraction or thing
that bothered or upset you. 

336
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,880
There's a lot of grace that you 
can see in the examples that we 

337
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:17,040
already went through and covered
today, but generally they 

338
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:21,120
understood, I can say this and 
will still be OK. 

339
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:25,640
There's no avoiding of of hard 
topics, but the conditions exist

340
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:29,680
where the hard topics can 
actually be heard #3 it's going 

341
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,960
to seem basic, but this 
definitely presented itself as a

342
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,560
commonality, and that is 
respect. 

343
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,200
There's generally a lot of 
admiration and reverence in 

344
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,760
these kinds of relationships. 
Respect is the minimum. 

345
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:47,280
It is the floor or foundation. 
Without it, there nothing else 

346
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:51,000
can be built on top of it. 
These couples dignify their 

347
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:54,240
space, their shared space 
together in their relationship, 

348
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:59,120
and it's beautiful to witness #4
reciprocity. 

349
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:05,200
Effort flows both ways. 
Again, it's never 5050, but long

350
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,880
term it feels relatively 
balanced. 

351
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,640
You're not the only one 
initiating, and many of us as 

352
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,480
anxious attachers have done 
this. 

353
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,000
You're not the only one 
repairing or planning or 

354
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,000
apologizing or taking 
accountability or pursuing 

355
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,440
connection. 
Secure Reciprocity feels like 

356
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,640
I'm not alone in this. 
While the contribution is going 

357
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,240
to look different from each 
person and will never be 

358
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:32,920
identical, it means that both of
you feel the other person is 

359
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:37,400
invested #5 comprehension. 
I write about this in Needy No 

360
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,600
More of the book, but 
communication without 

361
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,320
comprehension is just words. 
There needs to be a shared 

362
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,720
understanding, and this is 
something that emerged again and

363
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,800
again looking at the data from 
these exercises exercises, 

364
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:53,600
there's a sense of feeling 
understood again, that sense of 

365
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,560
safety. 
And for many of these couples, 

366
00:20:56,560 --> 00:21:00,600
they actually leave difficult, 
challenging, emotional or hard 

367
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:05,240
conversations feeling closer, 
not further apart. 

368
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:08,400
As we already kind of hinted at 
earlier, this isn't about 

369
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,800
someone being right or they're 
being a winner. 

370
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,600
This is about trying to 
understand one another's 

371
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,720
realities, trying to understand 
one another's wounds and 

372
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,120
triggers and what activates each
of you. 

373
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:25,320
There's this learning of each 
other that is so beautiful and 

374
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:28,160
potent and something to take 
away from this. 

375
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,920
This comes up again and again 
and again. 

376
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:35,320
Repair is number six. 
Conflict in a relationship is 

377
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,000
inevitable. 
Disagreements are going to 

378
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:42,080
happen at some point or another,
and that's because you're 2 very

379
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,560
different people coming together
and trying to make a life, make 

380
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:49,120
a shared space. 
That's what a relationship is. 

381
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,800
But secure couples focus on 
repair. 

382
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,560
They don't get it right every 
time. 

383
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,480
There's always rupture, but they
come back together. 

384
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,360
They take accountability, they 
work through it, they talk about

385
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:05,840
it, they learn from these 
experiences. 

386
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:10,040
Again, this is not about being 
perfect, it's about being 

387
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,480
willing to come back to the 
table and work through things 

388
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:19,000
together as a team #7 might be 
my favorite, and that is 

389
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,880
consideration. 
It's been said that 

390
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:25,120
consideration is the highest 
form of love, and I tend to 

391
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,560
agree. 
This was actually a universal 

392
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:32,520
thread that ran throughout every
other concept. 

393
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,440
Knowing the impact of your words
or actions. 

394
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:41,840
Understanding what will land as 
supportive versus critical or 

395
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,520
pressuring. 
There's an intentionality, 

396
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:49,040
insecure relationships that 
really hits at the point of 

397
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:53,120
consideration. 
Each one is taking into account 

398
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:56,440
what makes the other feel 
supported and appreciated and 

399
00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:00,080
loved and cared for. 
And that is such a beautiful 

400
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,400
thing that leads us to #8 which 
is complementarity. 

401
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,240
Relationships aren't about 
sharing everything in common. 

402
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:11,960
That is not realistic at all or 
a healthy expectation to have of

403
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,640
a partner. 
You're not going to share 

404
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,400
everything. 
And in fact, complementarity is 

405
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,600
way more important than 
compatibility. 

406
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,800
This is about how you shore each
other up, where you might be 

407
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,520
weak, or how you balance each 
other out. 

408
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,000
Differences keep each of you on 
your toes. 

409
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,320
Complementarity means that these
differences actually add a 

410
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:38,640
richness, not a friction, to the
dynamic #9 is independent. 

411
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,680
There's a lot of space and 
autonomy in these kinds of 

412
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,160
secure connections. 
Secure couples are not enmeshed 

413
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,840
or codependent. 
There is a sense of independence

414
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,960
that helps them to be 
interdependent. 

415
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,240
And in fact, you can't spell 
interdependent without 

416
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,240
independent. 
They each have their own 

417
00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:01,000
friends, their own hobbies, 
alone time, and to these 

418
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,600
couples, distance doesn't equal 
danger. 

419
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,840
I really want to share this one 
quote that I think really hits 

420
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:11,320
home at this. 
I don't need him, I want him. 

421
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:15,560
We're choosing to be here, fully
standing, fully capable, and 

422
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,600
choosing to be in this 
relationship together. 

423
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:21,040
At first that made me feel 
wildly insecure, but then 

424
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,800
embracing it made me feel very 
empowered. 

425
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,120
This isn't about fusing your 
life with someone else's. 

426
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:30,880
This is about two relatively 
whole people choosing one 

427
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,920
another and continuing to make 
that choice. 

428
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,960
Last, but certainly not least 
#10 is growth. 

429
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,000
Both partners are willing to 
look at themselves and ask 

430
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,200
what's mine here? 
Am I triggered? 

431
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,960
Is this about my past? 
Is this about my wounds? 

432
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,200
Is this about my childhood? 
My previous relationships? 

433
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,680
Big points here. 
A sense of security in a 

434
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:55,200
relationship requires 
accountability. 

435
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:59,520
Multiple people mentioned 
therapy, both individually and 

436
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,760
as a couple. 
Many people mentioned journaling

437
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:07,120
and meditating having self-care 
and or nervous system regulation

438
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:12,480
practices growing individually 
as a person and together as a 

439
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,960
team is essential for secure 
relating. 

440
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:20,080
All right, that leads us to the 
third and final part of today's 

441
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:24,440
episode, which is a quick ten 
question self audit that I put 

442
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:29,400
together that can help you to 
evaluate the extent of security 

443
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:33,720
or the level of healthiness that
is present in your current and 

444
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,040
or future relationship. 
These actually tie back to the 

445
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,880
concepts that we just addressed.
So this will be a good refresher

446
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:45,560
or recap for the episode #1 And 
this ties to the concept of 

447
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,560
trust. 
Do I trust my partner's 

448
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:54,200
consistency and reliability? 
Yes or no #2 Can I bring up a 

449
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:57,800
hard topic without fearing 
punishment? 

450
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:02,160
This ties to emotional safety, 
yes or no? 

451
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:08,080
Can you bring it up or no #3? 
Do we communicate respectfully 

452
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:14,600
even during conflict? 
This ties to respect #4 ties to 

453
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:19,280
reciprocity. 
Does effort feel relatively 

454
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:24,000
mutual? 
Yes or no #5 ties to 

455
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,880
comprehension. 
Do I feel understood after 

456
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:31,400
serious conversations? 
Yes or no Number six ties to 

457
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,440
repair. 
When conflict happens, do we 

458
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:39,080
repair and reconnect? 
Yes or no #7 consideration. 

459
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:42,440
Do we both show ongoing 
awareness of what makes the 

460
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,080
other feel cared for and 
supported? 

461
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:49,720
Yes or no #8 ties to 
complementarity. 

462
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,040
This question can be 
challenging, so I'm going to 

463
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:54,760
phrase it a little bit 
differently. 

464
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:59,600
More often than not, do our 
differences strengthen us? 

465
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,440
Yes or no? 
Again, that ties to 

466
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,200
complementarity #9 ties to 
independence. 

467
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,880
Do we both have lives outside of
the relationship? 

468
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,760
Yes or no? 
Last, but certainly not least 

469
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:16,360
#10 ties to growth. 
Are we both willing to work on 

470
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:19,840
ourselves and the relationship, 
yes or no? 

471
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,680
Now, in terms of scoring, I want
to provide some guidelines here.

472
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:28,800
If you answered no to two or 
fewer of the 10 questions, then 

473
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,120
you have a very solid and secure
foundation in your current 

474
00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:36,240
relationship. 
If you answered no to three to 

475
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:40,960
four of these questions, these 
are areas to work on, but this 

476
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:44,600
is likely still skills based and
I'll talk about the difference 

477
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,760
in a minute. 
If you said no to five or more 

478
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,320
more than half of the questions,
then there are significant 

479
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,760
patterns worth addressing and 
examining here. 

480
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,080
So let's determine the 
difference here. 

481
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,520
It's important for you to ask 
yourself, is this a skill issue 

482
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,640
where both partners are willing 
to grow but haven't learned how?

483
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,200
Or a compatibility issue. 
The foundation isn't there 

484
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,040
because one person is unwilling 
to do the work. 

485
00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:14,920
Skills or compatibility. 
You can't create security with 

486
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,920
someone who isn't interested in 
being secure. 

487
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:21,680
But if both people are willing, 
chef's kiss, anything is 

488
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,400
possible. 
There you have it, folks. 

489
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,840
Trust, emotional safety, 
reciprocity, respect, 

490
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:32,400
comprehension, repair, 
consideration, complementarity, 

491
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:36,960
independence, and growth. 
Those are the 10 principles of 

492
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,680
secure relating. 
I know many of us haven't had 

493
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:44,960
examples of this in our lives. 
This is why I would highly 

494
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,960
encourage you, just like I 
encourage my clients to do, to 

495
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,280
find a secure example in your 
life. 

496
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:55,160
Remember, secure doesn't mean 
perfect. 

497
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:59,560
There will be messiness, there 
will be imperfection, there will

498
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:04,360
be conflict, and occasionally 
there may even be breaking of 

499
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,000
some of what I talked about 
today. 

500
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:10,320
It's always about how the couple
comes back together, how they 

501
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:14,400
learn one another over time that
makes them secure. 

502
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:19,360
And always remember, security 
isn't found, it is built. 

503
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:24,760
This is why working to become 
secure yourself is so 

504
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:29,400
fundamentally important for 
having healthier relationships, 

505
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:33,960
because you can find someone 
secure and struggle with your 

506
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:38,880
own insecurity and still have a 
lot of this lacking because you 

507
00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,800
don't know how to build it and 
you don't know how to accept it.

508
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,200
And or. 
That said, if you haven't had 

509
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:47,160
this model for you or or you 
have never felt that sense of 

510
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:50,160
relief, being able to breathe 
and a relationship, being able 

511
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:55,720
to drop your suspicions, to 
soften your fears, to not give 

512
00:29:55,720 --> 00:30:00,440
in to a sense of abandonment, to
give in to goodwill and to 

513
00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:03,520
trust. 
If you've struggled to do that, 

514
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:06,840
that is OK. 
It is never too late to work on 

515
00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:10,200
being more secure. 
If what I shared today resonated

516
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:13,360
with you, I would be honored to 
help you build some of these 

517
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,800
skills to grow more secure 
yourself. 

518
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,120
You can learn more about my 
coaching program and my 

519
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:21,920
philosophy when it comes to 
healing anxious attachment and 

520
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:27,240
growing more secure at 
crackliff.com/coaching. 

521
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,680
You can also set up a free 
consultation to speak with me 

522
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,960
there. 
Powerful episode today. 

523
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:35,400
Can't wait to share the next 
one.