1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,320 Hello everyone, and welcome back to Needy No More, the podcast 2 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:07,480 dedicated to healing the anxious attachment style. 3 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:10,800 I'm your host, anxious attachment style coach and 4 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:14,160 author Chris Ratcliffe. I've helped thousands of people 5 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:18,520 across 6 continents to end the cycle of anxious attachment 6 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:22,880 through my books, workshops, digital downloads, and coaching 7 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:24,640 program. I'm excited to carry on that 8 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:28,360 mission here on the podcast. Sharing tools and techniques, 9 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:32,119 principles and practices is for you to explore on your journey 10 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:35,320 to growing more secure. Welcome back everyone. 11 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:41,280 I have a confession to make. I have claimed for years that I 12 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:46,040 have been vulnerable in my content and I stand by that. 13 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:51,360 But I think a lot of that vulnerability has been behind 14 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:56,640 the written word, so to speak, in blog posts and in books, in 15 00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:00,600 ways that have been easy for me to perfect. 16 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:05,600 And in the spirit of being more vulnerable and more transparent 17 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:10,520 and showing more of my own humanness and messiness, I want 18 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:14,800 to talk about the three biggest relationships that broke my 19 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:19,120 heart, that broke me open in various ways, and taught me 20 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:23,640 lessons in some ways I needed to learn in order to grow more 21 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:25,880 secure. Before I get into them, I want 22 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,760 to be clear that this isn't about dragging anyone. 23 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:32,760 So in the spirit of that, I'm going to be changing the names 24 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,400 of these individuals. This is not about me harping on 25 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:40,560 the past or trying to make anyone look a certain way. 26 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:45,560 This is solely my perspective on my experience in these 27 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,080 relationships and more importantly, what it taught me 28 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,280 about myself. So buckle up because I'm going 29 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,800 to be spilling a lot of tea today. 30 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,920 I'm going to be getting real about some of my biggest heart 31 00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:00,400 breaks and I'm going to be doing it in real time off the cuff 32 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,600 with you here on the show. The very first relationship I 33 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:07,520 want to unpack is also my longest one. 34 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,919 Let's say it was with a guy named Brian. 35 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:15,640 Now, Brian and I met at a very interesting time in my life. 36 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:22,400 I had just finished a six month cleanse, if you will, of dating 37 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:26,440 and hooking up. Prior to this, I had gone on a 38 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,760 lot of dates. I was living in New York City at 39 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,360 the time. I was working in the magazine 40 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,200 industry. I was going out a lot. 41 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,680 I was meeting a lot of people and I was going on many dates, 42 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:40,680 but none of them ever led to a relationship. 43 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:45,840 So after a few years in the city of doing this, I decided, you 44 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,400 know what? It's time for me to take a 45 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,800 breather. I'm the common denominator in 46 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,080 all of my experiences and I just need a reset. 47 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,560 Like I don't want to be hooking up with anyone. 48 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,200 I don't want to be going on any dates. 49 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,120 I don't want to be on any dating apps. 50 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,160 So I deleted the apps. I didn't go on any dates. 51 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:07,160 I completely abstained from any kind of physical intimacy with 52 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,920 anyone for six months. And that was the predetermined 53 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:15,440 timeframe that I came up with. So I completed that challenge 54 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,240 and I was feeling refreshed in a lot of ways. 55 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,160 I fell reinvigorated. I felt more myself than I ever 56 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,280 had before, and I think a lot of that had to do with learning to 57 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:30,320 set boundaries with myself, learning to take better care of 58 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,120 myself. So that's what the six months 59 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:36,680 provided to me. And coming off of that, I felt 60 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,680 like I was on top of the world. I didn't need anyone. 61 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:43,880 I felt very self assured myself. Confidence was really high. 62 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:50,760 And just a week later, less than a week actually, I was in 63 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,880 Baltimore visiting a friend at the time, and we decided to go 64 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:58,560 out to one of the gay bars. And we weren't there very long 65 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:03,160 before I locked eyes with Brian across the bar. 66 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,280 I thought he was very attractive. 67 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:10,560 I was not intimidated by him, but just kind of doing my own 68 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,160 thing. And I made eyes with him a 69 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,680 couple of times, trying to indicate like, hey, come over 70 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:16,880 and talk to me. Like, I think you're 71 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,200 interesting. And eventually he did. 72 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,760 So he comes over, we strike up a conversation. 73 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,120 It's very playful. It's very easy. 74 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,600 Things are flowing, the drinks are flowing, the conversation's 75 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,400 flowing. And then his boyfriend walks 76 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:37,120 over and he is not happy, understandably. 77 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,040 And I don't want to ruffle any feathers. 78 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:44,160 I don't want to be in any drama. So I just say to his boyfriend, 79 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:50,320 look, I did not mean to cause any issues here or any trouble. 80 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,560 I did not know that he had a boyfriend. 81 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:56,320 So I just want to apologize and wish you both well. 82 00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:01,840 That night in the car on the way home, I felt a certain kind of 83 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:05,520 way, I don't know, I felt excited about meeting someone. 84 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:10,480 I felt in some ways maybe a sense of loss, I suppose, at not 85 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:14,240 being able to pursue anything further with this person when I 86 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,080 very clearly felt a spark, a connection. 87 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:21,720 We had a lot in common, and I was sharing as much with my 88 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,480 friend, and nothing came of it. But it just was kind of like a 89 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:29,960 moment where I was thinking to myself, you know, this is really 90 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,280 frustrating. Like, I met someone I like and 91 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,800 it's not gonna go anywhere. Flash forward to the next night. 92 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,640 My friend wants to go back to the same bar. 93 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,800 So we go. I run into Brian again. 94 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,440 He comes up to me again. And I say, really? 95 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,960 Are we gonna do this again? Like, we've been down this road? 96 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,560 I know that you're taken. And he's like, no, but we can 97 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,080 still talk platonically, like, as friends. 98 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,760 And I'm like, I don't know, I don't think your boyfriend would 99 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,880 like that very much. This seems maybe a bit 100 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,600 disrespectful to him. And his boyfriend came over 101 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:01,920 again and I threw my hands up in defense and was just like, hey, 102 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,720 I have been trying to keep to myself. 103 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:07,120 And I pulled two business cards out of my wallet and I handed 104 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,560 one to each of them. And I just said, I wish you both 105 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,280 nothing but the best. Keep in touch, take care. 106 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,720 And I removed myself from the situation because we had already 107 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,160 had this conversation. So I just felt like this is too 108 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,120 much deja vu, like 2 nights in a row, whatever. 109 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,680 So we leave eventually at the end of the night. 110 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,560 And, you know, I don't really think very much of it anymore. 111 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,040 I'm just kind of like, OK, this guy's probably a player or 112 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:34,440 whatever. And then a few months go by and 113 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,760 I get a random Facebook message from someone. 114 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:42,000 And remember, I didn't exchange contact information with Brian 115 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,000 at all. I gave my business card. 116 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:49,120 It had my cell phone on it. He chose not to message me on my 117 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,480 cell and instead message me on Facebook. 118 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:55,360 So I'm seeing a name and a profile image that, you know, 119 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,320 I'm not really connecting the dots at first, right? 120 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,440 Like I don't really recognize who this person is. 121 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:03,440 Then we start chatting and I realize it's that guy Brian from 122 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,080 the bar. Long story short, there's a lot 123 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,560 more to the story, but I'm going to Fast forward a little bit 124 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,280 here. He eventually comes to visit. 125 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:14,480 After a lot of conversations back and forth, I want to say we 126 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,840 probably spoke for maybe a week and a half, two weeks. 127 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,520 He decides to drive up to New York from Baltimore because 128 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:24,800 remember, I met him when I was visiting Baltimore and he 129 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,880 happened to live there. So he comes up, we have a 130 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,240 wonderful weekend. At the end of the weekend, we 131 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,600 share a very intimate moment where we're looking in each 132 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:36,680 other's eyes. And he asks me, are you scared 133 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,000 of the physical distance between US? 134 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:44,880 And I said, no, are you? And he said, yeah, I think I 135 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,080 might be. And I said, well, you know, it's 136 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:52,240 not that I'm not scared, but I think there's something here 137 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,880 worth exploring, and we can figure out the logistics. 138 00:07:56,480 --> 00:08:00,200 And he said, OK, why don't you come down to Baltimore next 139 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,080 weekend? So I did, and we had a wonderful 140 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,600 time there. Went out with his friends and 141 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,680 things just felt so easy. Well, we got into a rhythm of 142 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,320 seeing one another. We had a pattern that we agreed 143 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:16,920 upon where we fell into a rhythm of one weekend of him coming to 144 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:22,280 me, one weekend of me going to him one weekend off so that we 145 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:25,000 could kind of live our lives, do whatever we wanted to do, hang 146 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,960 out with friends, like whatever, travel, go on trips, who cares? 147 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:33,200 Like just a weekend to ourselves that didn't involve, you know, 148 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,440 the long distance relationship component. 149 00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:40,600 So it was a pretty good cycle. I mean, I was seeing him most 150 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:44,159 weekends and we were talking on the phone every night for hours. 151 00:08:44,159 --> 00:08:47,880 So I felt very connected to this person and our intimacy deepened 152 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:52,440 pretty quickly. But one of the factors that 153 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:56,840 really played into the downfall of the relationship, I think, 154 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:01,960 was the fact that he was not out to his family. 155 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,440 And flash forward a couple of months, I eventually meet his 156 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,480 family. He decides that, you know, we're 157 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,960 in a good place. He, you know, wants me to meet 158 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,800 his mom, his sister, his nieces. Like, we're at the point where 159 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,520 we're ready to deepen the kind of integration in one another's 160 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,440 lives. And I felt very flattered, quite 161 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,920 frankly, that I'm the first person he won, that he wanted to 162 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,880 bring home. So I meet his family and things 163 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:30,440 are going really, really, really well. 164 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,880 You know, we spend Valentine's Day together at this point. 165 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:38,520 We've been together for months. And then the next month, I go to 166 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:44,960 South by Southwest for work. At the time, I was working for a 167 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:51,920 small marketing agency and I was also exploring a new job 168 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:55,000 opportunity with a magazine with Entertainment Weekly. 169 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,960 And I got the call from Entertainment Weekly while I was 170 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,280 in Austin for South by Southwest that I got the job. 171 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,520 And it was one of the biggest moments in my career. 172 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:10,760 And I called him and he was very dismissive, like, yeah, yeah, 173 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,360 yeah, that's great. I got to go. 174 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,560 Like, you know, I'll call you later. 175 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,880 Very much not celebratory, not like, Oh my God, that's amazing. 176 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,920 Like I got a run, but let me call you back in like an hour. 177 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,320 You know, it was very non committal, very, again, 178 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:28,880 dismissive. And it left a really sour taste 179 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,920 in my mouth. Like I felt like, damn, I mean, 180 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:36,040 I'm experiencing some incredible career news and you rushed me 181 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,000 off the phone. You're the very first person I 182 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,280 called. And this was on top of already 183 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,480 sensing some distance. And I know the anxious attachers 184 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,280 watching and listening can feel that very deeply. 185 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,960 You know, the distance I'm talking about, the taking longer 186 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,920 to respond, the not sending as many pictures, the lack of 187 00:10:54,920 --> 00:11:00,640 emojis, the lack of questions, the lack of interest in my trip 188 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,480 and what I was doing. And, you know, just lack of an 189 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,880 expression of, of consideration and thoughtfulness or care, 190 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,560 really. And so I knew something was up, 191 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:12,600 but I had a lot of stuff that I had to figure out. 192 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,440 My company that I was working for was trying to send me back 193 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,360 to New York earlier than anticipated, but there were no 194 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:22,080 flights out. I was supposed to fly back to 195 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,680 Baltimore and we were flying up to Vermont to go on a ski trip, 196 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:30,520 which I'll talk about in a moment, but I had to fly back to 197 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:34,240 New York instead of Baltimore. I ended up having to take the 198 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:37,880 train down the next day, so quick turn around in order to 199 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,920 make a flight out the following morning, which was already 200 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,680 booked to go to Stowe for a ski trip. 201 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,040 And so I get to Baltimore and we have dinner and things seem 202 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,920 fine, like everything's normal again. 203 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:53,720 But he passes out on the couch after dinner, which he was prone 204 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,440 to do. And being the thoughtful, 205 00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:00,200 considerate partner that I was and do consider myself to be, I 206 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,760 was preparing for the next morning. 207 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,360 We had to get up early, drive to DC for our flight, whatever. 208 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:09,200 So I plug in his iPad because I know he's gonna want to use it 209 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,520 on the plane, and it's on low battery. 210 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:16,280 Well, I see all these notifications pop up from 211 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:21,760 various location based gay apps if you get my drift. 212 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,760 And my stomach immediately syncs. 213 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,000 And I knew his password. We shared these things with one 214 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,800 another. So I looked, I read every single 215 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,800 message and it was deeply disturbing. 216 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:37,440 There were explicit photographs that were shared, location 217 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,040 shared. And while I couldn't put a 218 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:44,960 finger on or trace any kind of in person interactions, if you 219 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:49,680 understand what I'm saying, I was still very shook by this. 220 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:53,680 Like literally shaking. My nervous system was on maximum 221 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,440 high alert and I considered what am I going to do with this? 222 00:12:56,440 --> 00:13:00,080 So I just took the iPad, I brought it downstairs and I 223 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,760 dropped it on the couch and woke him up and was like, hey, you've 224 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:08,320 got 60 seconds to explain what exactly is going on here because 225 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,840 I'm very confused. We're in a monogamous 226 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,720 relationship. We've been dating for months. 227 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,480 And I just found all of these messages of you talking to other 228 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:20,880 men and sending explicit photographs back and forth and 229 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:25,600 potentially meeting. And I am met with nothing but 230 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,800 dismissiveness, nothing but deflection, no apology, no 231 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,760 accountability. And things got so heated that I 232 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:38,080 decided to press pause and go for a walk and come back when I 233 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,920 get back. Nothing. 234 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,040 And at this point, it's getting late. 235 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:46,080 We have to be up at 5:00 AM. It's like 11:00 at night. 236 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:52,960 And we were flying to Vermont to meet up with two of my closest 237 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:58,560 friends who were staying with us there who have already booked 238 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,520 travel and what not. You know, at this point I would 239 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,560 have canceled the trip like no questions asked. 240 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,280 It didn't make sense to go on the trip. 241 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,880 But at the time my people pleasing tendencies kicked in 242 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,760 and I thought to myself, well I have to go on the trip. 243 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:16,480 I can't do this to my friends. Like while the timing isn't 244 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,440 ideal, we can revisit this conversation later. 245 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:25,880 That was my first mistake. Then we go on the trip, a bunch 246 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,360 of things happen that really frustrate me. 247 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:32,200 One of them being Brian had promised to pay for ski lessons 248 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,920 for me. And we get there and he's like, 249 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,440 I don't know what you're talking about. 250 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,280 You know, there were all of these red flags that continually 251 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,400 kept popping up. And we get back after the trip 252 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,000 and still no apology. Nothing has changed. 253 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:49,400 And the distance between us had started growing, but I couldn't 254 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:53,480 bring it up because I didn't want to be met with dismissive 255 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,920 energy once more or defensiveness. 256 00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:00,360 So I thought to myself, you know what, Let's just press pause on 257 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:03,200 this and revisit it later. I get back to New York. 258 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,560 Weeks go by, we're going back and forth seeing one another and 259 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,280 nothing changes. And at some point, I just sweep 260 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,400 it under the rug and decide to say, you know what? 261 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,960 I love this person. I want to be with them. 262 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,800 Let's just chalk it up to it being a one off thing. 263 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,560 Things continue getting worse in the connection overtime. 264 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,640 The communication is dropping off. 265 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:29,000 We're still seeing one another, but his behavior is starting to 266 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,200 become more and more erratic. I'm starting to hear from him 267 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,720 when we're out drinking in either New York or Baltimore and 268 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,720 with either of our friend groups. 269 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,160 Like, I don't know, I should just be single, you know, Maybe 270 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,840 I should just go through a phase where I hook up with a lot of 271 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,960 people. I just came out, blah, blah, 272 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,720 blah. A lot of rationalizing of him 273 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,960 pulling away now. I know now based on the work 274 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,320 that I've done on myself and the healing work that I've done and 275 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,480 now do with clients all over that these were deactivating 276 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,160 strategies. He was clearly exhibiting 277 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:11,800 avoidant tendencies and in the true fashion of an anxious 278 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:16,240 attacher, I latched on harder, he pulled away more, and we just 279 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,920 spiraled downward over the course of many, many months. 280 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:23,080 Flash forward to celebrating our one year anniversary in New 281 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,440 York. We have a wonderful dinner, we 282 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:30,560 go to a party that one of my friends is throwing, and then we 283 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:35,600 go bar hopping and we end up running into some of my very 284 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,760 closest friends who I haven't seen in a couple of weeks 285 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,880 because I've been travelling and he wants to go home. 286 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,440 I want to stay. So I give him the keys to my 287 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,240 place and I say just go, it's fine. 288 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,000 I'll I'll be right behind you. I'm probably like 1/2 hour 289 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,640 behind you. I get back to my apartment, he's 290 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:53,840 packed up his things. He's leaving in the middle of 291 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,960 the night at like 3:00 AM. No explanation. 292 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,600 It's over Chris, I can't do this. 293 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:02,640 And that was that. Weeks go by, we don't see one 294 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,040 another. We're not talking. 295 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:08,599 I was left in shambles. Eventually, I receive a card in 296 00:17:08,599 --> 00:17:12,800 the mail from him that essentially says never change 297 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,319 who you are. I loved you very deeply. 298 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,200 I still love you. I always knew that when you 299 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,359 entered my life, you'd make me a better man. 300 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,760 And you've done that. And never forget the role that 301 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,520 you've had in my life. It was a beautiful card to 302 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,080 receive, but it was also very, very confusing because at the 303 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:33,000 time, I wanted nothing more than to get him back. 304 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,080 As sad as that is to admit, that's what I wanted. 305 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,840 I wanted him back. I missed him deeply. 306 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,520 I couldn't focus at work. I was having trouble sleeping. 307 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:45,960 Like I was a shell of myself at the time, which many of us as 308 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,720 anxious attachers who have been through devastating breakups 309 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:52,520 before have felt. That low, it is a low. 310 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:56,040 It's terrible. I mean, in a lot of ways it's a 311 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,600 form of withdrawal, and I've talked about that on the show 312 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,080 previously. A few more months go by, I find 313 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,560 myself back in Baltimore visiting the same friend that I 314 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:07,200 was with when I met Brian. And Long story short, there's a 315 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:11,520 Blizzard that rolls through and I get stuck in Baltimore and I 316 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:15,080 need a place to stay. Keep in mind, I was in my 20s. 317 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,360 I didn't have a large income. I didn't have a large budget to 318 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,280 pay for a hotel. So I hit up Brian. 319 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,240 He comes and picks me up. He lets me stay with him. 320 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,840 We kind of fall right back into it, right? 321 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,240 Which is predictable and I should have known. 322 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,960 And on some level I think I probably played things this way 323 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,480 in order to make this reunion happen. 324 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,480 Well, I keep getting stuck. My trains keep getting 325 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,840 cancelled. I'm there for days and while I'm 326 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,480 working remotely. And again, kind of falling right 327 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,560 back into it, Staying in his town home. 328 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,560 One night we all go out. By we all I mean me and his 329 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,840 friends. I see him flirting with someone. 330 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:56,280 I decide to leave. If he brings them back, there's 331 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,640 an altercation verbally between all of us. 332 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,080 Then he throws something at me and that was it. 333 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,840 That was it. Any kind of physical abuse is 334 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:10,360 intolerable to me. So I had him drive me to the 335 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,520 train station the next morning and I just said I wish we had 336 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,320 never met. And that was the closure I 337 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,120 suppose I needed. Now I know, of course, again, 338 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,800 after years of working on myself in therapy and now being a coach 339 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:27,160 myself, that I needed to give myself that closure. 340 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:31,200 That final interaction months later didn't need to happen, and 341 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,400 it was incredibly dramatic and it only soured the relationship 342 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,560 even more. But that's how it played out. 343 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:41,400 I suppose. Maya Angelou's quote applies 344 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,360 here when it comes to what I learned in this relationship. 345 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:50,320 She famously wrote or said when someone shows you who they are, 346 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,880 believe them. The first time I didn't. 347 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:58,400 I didn't believe who he was showing me he was the first 348 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:02,120 time, which is before we even entered a relationship. 349 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:07,720 At that gay bar two nights in a row, disrespecting his boyfriend 350 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:12,080 on some level, demonstrating infidelity or unfaithfulness to 351 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,200 this person and with this person. 352 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:18,000 And then of course, the actual infidelity that occurred with 353 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:23,080 him interacting explicitly with many other men and me looking 354 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:27,440 the other way, which was a huge mistake, but a learning lesson 355 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:31,080 for me. So when someone shows you who 356 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,680 they are, believe them the first time. 357 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:37,680 This was my biggest take away from this relationship. 358 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:42,240 And by the way, this doesn't mean that Brian is a bad person. 359 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,440 This means that we were not aligned in the ways that I 360 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:52,160 needed that if he wanted an open relationship, he could have 361 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,120 discussed that with me and we could have approached that 362 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:58,120 together. I could have had a choice in the 363 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:02,440 matter and I didn't, and he robbed me of that opportunity. 364 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,600 And this is a lot of what happens when you have one 365 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,240 insecure person approaching another insecure person and 366 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:14,280 their approaches make it worse. You end up spiraling down into 367 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,160 insecurity, and that's what happened here. 368 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:21,040 The second relationship that I want to talk about was a few 369 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:25,440 years after the one with Brian, and this one was incredibly 370 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:28,600 consequential for me. This was someone that I knew 371 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:34,080 from college at the University of Miami, let's call him Aaron. 372 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,120 And Aaron and I were already pretty well acquainted. 373 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:42,440 And while we were never close during my years in undergrad, we 374 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,520 knew of each other. We ran in the same circles, we 375 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,360 hung out a few times. Nothing ever came of it. 376 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:51,000 I always thought he was intriguing. 377 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,680 I always found him interesting. I was always attracted to him. 378 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,520 But for whatever reason, he was preoccupied. 379 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:02,000 I was preoccupied as folks in their late teens and early 20s 380 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,400 tend to be when they're in college, being pulled in a 381 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,840 variety of different directions. But flash forward 10 years, when 382 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:14,280 we reconnect, Aaron happens to be in New York, and I wake up on 383 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:17,680 a Saturday in July to a Facebook message. 384 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,800 Common theme. Didn't even realize that from 385 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,600 this person saying, hey, I'm in New York. 386 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,600 He lived in Chicago, I'm here for a few days. 387 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,520 Would love to connect if you're in town and you have the time. 388 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,880 And I said, hey, actually, yeah, I am here. 389 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,480 Why don't we all go out this evening? 390 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,240 Because I knew he was staying with another mutual friend of 391 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:43,120 ours who also went to Miami. So we kind of assemble a group. 392 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:47,800 We all go out, I'm at the bar with my friends before he shows 393 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,440 up. And the second he walks in, we 394 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,680 lock eyes. And I will never forget that 395 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:59,400 kinetic energy between us, the smile that he gave to me from 396 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,960 across the room. It was completely unexpected, 397 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:06,440 especially because, like, we weren't close. 398 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,240 Like we never really interacted at a deep level. 399 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,800 We had very surface level conversations, you know, I 400 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:17,280 suppose on social media over the years we understand some big 401 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:20,840 life milestone moments, whatever that might have made us feel 402 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:22,120 closer. I don't know. 403 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:25,200 I don't know what this person's motive is. 404 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,600 When he walks into the bar, he comes up, gives me a huge hug, 405 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:34,720 we start chatting, and we spend the rest of the night filling in 406 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:39,000 the gap of 10 years since we had seen one another. 407 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,960 He's sharing very vulnerably and intimately, and I'm sharing very 408 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,840 vulnerably and intimately. And eventually we're making out. 409 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,960 And the chemistry is very, very clear and kinetic. 410 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:56,240 You know, you can feel that spark, that pull, that magnetism 411 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,360 that so many of us know very well. 412 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:05,160 And we end up texting each other separately while we're both on 413 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,840 the way home saying let's spend the day together tomorrow, blah, 414 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,960 blah, blah. We wake up, we do exactly that, 415 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,240 and it's blissful. And eventually, at the end of 416 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:17,320 the day, after all of the friends fall off throughout this 417 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:21,280 Sunday fun day, we end up just the two of us back at my place. 418 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,400 And you can guess what happened from there. 419 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,000 Things got very intimate. The next morning was heavenly. 420 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:33,120 He sent breakfast to my office, used the address from my 421 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:37,880 business card to do this, sends me a text, hey, there's someone 422 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:41,160 downstairs for you. And I'm like, what? 423 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,360 What do you mean? And he's like at your office. 424 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:46,800 So I go downstairs. He had sent me breakfast via 425 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:50,000 Uber Eats. And I felt so special and so 426 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:54,440 seen and so chosen. He flew back to Chicago that 427 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:58,640 day, and it was tough, but we picked up over FaceTime and 428 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,320 things were fine. Great. 429 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,680 We spent hours talking to one another for weeks. 430 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:11,040 And then my sister died, which threw a wrench into everything. 431 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,600 Now, I'm not going to go down the path of explaining too much 432 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:15,680 about what happened to my sister. 433 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,840 I've written extensively about it, but she passed from an 434 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,160 overdose. It was sudden, but she and I had 435 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:25,400 been estranged for years, so it's not like I was devastated 436 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,680 by this. But it did bring up a lot of 437 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,800 unresolved trauma that I experienced with her. 438 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,600 And it complicated things. And it eventually raised the 439 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:39,080 question, do I tell Aaron about this? 440 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,040 I mean, we're sharing everything with one another. 441 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:45,880 And even though my friends, all of my close friends, advised me 442 00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:50,240 not to share this with him because it might be too much too 443 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:54,800 soon, I do. I feel very close to him again. 444 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,720 We've grown so intimate, we're having hours long conversations 445 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:03,560 a day with one another. It felt inauthentic to not share 446 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:04,960 it. So I do. 447 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:09,480 And he received it beautifully, was so supportive, invited me to 448 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:15,640 come stay with him in Chicago. And a couple weeks later, I do. 449 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,880 Now, I don't want to get into all the particulars of what 450 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,200 happened in Chicago, but here's what I will say. 451 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:26,560 He put me through the ringer. He was testing me left and 452 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,000 right. And what I mean by that is he 453 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,400 was living with his parents at the time. 454 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,120 We're going out to dinner. Everything's great. 455 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:38,040 He says, you know what, let's go to my parents lake house. 456 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:41,520 And I thought, wow, yeah, cool. A road trip sounds great, like 457 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:44,600 let's do it. So he's like, yeah, my parents 458 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,080 aren't going to be there. It's going to be great. 459 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,160 We get there and who's there? His parents. 460 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:52,800 So I end up meeting his parents the second time. 461 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,400 Only that I had ever done this, aside from Brian. 462 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:59,360 Aaron was the second time, and this was not planned and at 463 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:03,120 least not on my part. And so it became very awkward 464 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,000 very quickly. We ended up going to the 465 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,800 fairgrounds and having a great night and then coming back and 466 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:11,280 getting into an argument about something very, very small that 467 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:15,320 I had said that apparently triggered him and he completely 468 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,400 shut down, started reaching back out to his ex. 469 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:22,240 By the way, he had just ended an engagement with someone and 470 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:26,960 broken up with them like maybe six weeks before he had come to 471 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,720 New York. So this was very recent and 472 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,080 obvious red flag that I had ignored. 473 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:38,360 And in an act of incredible disrespect, he's messaging this 474 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:42,840 person while I'm there and I knew about it the next day. 475 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:47,160 We try to repair things, things seem a little bit better, and 476 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:51,120 then I have to fly back to New York and to this day that is the 477 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:57,400 last time I ever saw him. After weeks of trying to regain 478 00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:01,080 the closeness that we once had and watching it fade away, I 479 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:06,080 eventually pieced together that he had moved back in with his ex 480 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,760 fiance. And at that point, I couldn't 481 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,480 take it anymore. And I was again devastated. 482 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:19,440 You know, my colleagues noticed my energy, my excitement after 483 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,960 connecting with him when he came to New York. 484 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:26,640 And they also noticed the come down when I got back from 485 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:31,560 Chicago and in the collapse of the connection in the weeks that 486 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,440 followed. And it was actually my boss at 487 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:39,800 the time who pulled me aside and said, Chris, what's going on at 488 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,800 home? Because you're not yourself. 489 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:45,640 Your energy is pulling everyone down in the office. 490 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:50,920 Normally you're bubbly, you're excitable, you're fun, you're 491 00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:54,080 creative. You have such a spark and the 492 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:57,240 absence of that is something we all feel. 493 00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:02,360 And I'm just concerned for you. And I'm so glad to this day that 494 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:06,200 she brought that to my attention and brought it up because it 495 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:10,640 needed to be said and it was impacting my mental health, my 496 00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:14,520 ability to work, my ability to eat, to sleep, to function. 497 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:19,400 This was a lower point than even I had been after my breakup with 498 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:23,160 Brian, after spending a year, a full year with him. 499 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:27,600 And as a result of that conversation, I reached out to a 500 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:31,680 therapist. I'm still seeing that therapist 501 00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:35,200 to this day. Catherine, if you ever see this, 502 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:40,480 you're a godsend. But it was in my work with 503 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:44,920 Catherine, in my very earliest sessions with her, that she 504 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:49,920 identified my anxious attachment and recommended that I read 505 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:51,520 attached. I did. 506 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:56,320 I digested it immediately. And that conversation, this 507 00:29:56,320 --> 00:30:00,960 series of events, led me to where I am today, sitting in 508 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:06,040 front of you, having coached thousands of people in various 509 00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:10,800 formats around the world on how to heal and having had many 510 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:14,760 former clients get engaged, leave harmful relationships, get 511 00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:18,320 married. And I have no regrets that this 512 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:22,840 is how things played out. But this relationship taught me 513 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:26,120 something very important and as I mentioned, was incredibly 514 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:28,960 consequential. And that's because it helped me 515 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:33,440 identify my attachment style. I had a degree in psychology. 516 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:38,480 I had studied through textbooks and various courses attachment, 517 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:43,240 but I didn't piece together that the trauma that I had been 518 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:46,360 through growing up and the abandonment in various ways from 519 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:51,480 multiple family members had led to this adaptation relationally 520 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:55,000 for me. And it was this connection, this 521 00:30:55,000 --> 00:31:00,880 spark and the subsequent falling out with Aaron that led to that. 522 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:05,120 And what a blessing that has become for me. 523 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,400 So really, this is what I took away from that experience. 524 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:13,640 One of the other things that I took away is to not ignore red 525 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,880 flags. The fact that Aaron had just 526 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:21,880 ended an engagement weeks before we reconnected should have given 527 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:26,200 me pause, and it didn't. I looked the other way because 528 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:31,440 how I felt with him felt more important than logically saying 529 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,880 I don't really think this person is ready for the kind of 530 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:38,960 connection that I desire. He was showing me that he was. 531 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:42,200 So I thought, you know what, maybe it is over. 532 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,680 Maybe I should give the benefit of the doubt. 533 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:48,000 And I know a lot of people can relate to that who are watching 534 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,000 and listening. So I just want to say, don't 535 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:55,960 ignore the red flags. My friends were telling me. 536 00:31:55,960 --> 00:32:00,000 They were in my ears, they were in my head, they were texting 537 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,960 me. They were telling me in person 538 00:32:02,320 --> 00:32:05,720 like, hey, pump the brakes. We're really glad that you 539 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,840 connect with this person. But this is all happening very, 540 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,720 very quickly. And I did not listen. 541 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:17,400 And those codependent tendencies would actually come to haunt me 542 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:21,760 again in the 3rd and final relationship that I want to talk 543 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:24,960 about today. You know they say that celebrity 544 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:32,320 deaths come in threes, right? For me, my breakups, the death 545 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:37,080 of my anxious attachment, and the birth of secure attachment 546 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:43,400 in my life happened in three. And this third connection was 547 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:47,720 with someone that I met almost immediately after moving to 548 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:51,880 Charleston, SC from New York. I had only been there for a 549 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:55,000 couple of weeks. I only knew one person in 550 00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:58,560 Charleston, and that was my real estate agent who helped me buy 551 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:00,800 my house. It just so happened that this 552 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:05,440 person, my real estate agent, invited me out with some of his 553 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,880 friends. And this person, whom we'll call 554 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:13,000 Xander today, happened to be one of his friends, a mutual friend, 555 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,120 someone that he knew. We all went out to karaoke. 556 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:21,040 And honestly, I wasn't sure this person was even gay when I was 557 00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:24,240 talking to him. And my, my test question for 558 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,400 this is always, who's your diva? And I'm talking about how much I 559 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,320 love Mariah Carey. And his answer was Britney 560 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,520 Spears. And I'm like, OK, I'm in safe 561 00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:35,120 territory here. We're both on the same team. 562 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:38,360 We're good. So we shared numbers. 563 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:42,480 It just so happened that the next day I was having a little 564 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:45,040 get together. I had invited my real estate 565 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:48,720 agent who had invited a bunch of other people, and I was inviting 566 00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:50,880 people left and right. I was looking to make friends, 567 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:52,160 right? So I'm looking to network. 568 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:56,200 I'm looking to branch out so I have a bunch of people over to 569 00:33:56,200 --> 00:34:01,800 the house and Xander and I hit it off tremendously to the point 570 00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:04,400 where other people there are kind of like, how long have you 571 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,600 guys been dating? You know, that kind of vibe that 572 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,239 other people are picking up on. We end up having a magical 573 00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:14,880 weekend. We start spending a lot of time 574 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:18,840 together, not usually during the week, but almost every minute of 575 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:23,520 every weekend. 4 weeks now, about a month into seeing one 576 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:30,000 another, Xander invites me to go down with him from Charleston to 577 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:33,560 a southern part of South Carolina where his parents have 578 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:37,719 a home and I meet his family. So this is a common theme among 579 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:41,040 all three. I met all of their families and 580 00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:44,040 these are the only three men whose families I did meet. 581 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:47,400 I hit it off with them. They're so sweet. 582 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:53,639 Like this person Xander and I are sharing a bedroom at his 583 00:34:53,639 --> 00:34:56,960 parents house. Like this is pretty clearly a 584 00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:59,400 signal that things are serious, right? 585 00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:02,760 That's how I interpreted it. And it just so happened that my 586 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,560 dad had recently relocated to Charleston. 587 00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:11,120 I had moved him there and so I introduce Xander to my father 588 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:15,600 and this was the first person I ever did introduce to my father 589 00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:18,560 and because of what would happen a few months later, the only 590 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,520 one. But Xander and I very quickly 591 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:24,920 become an item. And then things start to shift 592 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,000 after. After about a month and a half, 593 00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:31,440 maybe closer to two months, we're out celebrating his 594 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:34,720 birthday. His friends are starting to call 595 00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:38,400 me his boyfriend. We haven't defined anything yet, 596 00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:42,200 and honestly, we haven't even really gone on a whole lot of 597 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:44,320 dates. We're just spending every moment 598 00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:47,160 of every weekend together. We're hooking up a lot, We're 599 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:49,800 going out to eat a lot. But our conversations aren't 600 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:54,000 really happening in the way that intentional dating does. 601 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,640 There's not a slow, steady build. 602 00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:59,000 There's not a sustainable pace to this. 603 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:03,760 And that would come to slap me across the face when a few weeks 604 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:07,840 later he said, look, I don't think we're looking for the same 605 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:09,800 thing here. I'm not looking for anything 606 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:11,920 serious. We're not in a relationship. 607 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,480 Like, if you're cool with that, we can keep doing what we're 608 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,600 doing. And I'm like, what? 609 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:19,760 I met your family, you met my dad. 610 00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:23,320 Like, to me, that's pretty serious. 611 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:28,040 I mean, we're spending days non-stop a week together. 612 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:31,920 Your friends have started calling me your boyfriend, so 613 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:37,040 I'm not sure why you would think that this is not serious in any 614 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:42,840 way or that we're not dating. So he breaks up with me now, 615 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:46,440 what complicated things is in the meantime, while we were 616 00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:51,800 dating, he had rented a part of his duplex that he owned to my 617 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:56,040 father and my dad. Bless his heart, He started 618 00:36:56,040 --> 00:37:01,840 sharing details with me in the wake of the breakup about this 619 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:05,760 person's comings and goings and it wasn't good and I had to 620 00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:09,360 establish a boundary there. But I very quickly discovered 621 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:13,960 that Xander had moved on very easily and with little to no 622 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:17,800 regard for my feelings. A few months later, when my 623 00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:22,320 father passed, I also went through some sticky situations 624 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:27,040 with this person as I'm packing up my dad's things. 625 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:32,040 And it was just very messy and a lot of it was very disrespectful 626 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:37,160 and very, very hurtful. And this was the 3rd and final 627 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:41,640 straw really in the string of these relationships that broke 628 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,200 me in some form. By this time, I was already 629 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:49,680 coaching people around the world and I wasn't taking my own 630 00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:52,120 advice. And as you can imagine, I beat 631 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:57,040 myself up terribly for that. You know, I felt this cognitive 632 00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:02,280 dissonance of who am I? You know, I'm helping all of 633 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:05,400 these people to have healthier relationships and improve their 634 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:08,680 lives and get engaged and married and all these things. 635 00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:11,720 And I'm hearing constantly, like, Chris, you're a godsend. 636 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:14,480 I don't know what my life would look like without you, like 637 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:18,080 getting such positive feedback. And then I can't integrate that 638 00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:24,040 in my own life. And of course, the fallout from 639 00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:28,040 this relationship with Xander affected my ability to hold 640 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:31,160 space for my clients. I lost a few clients as a 641 00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:34,120 result. You know, it was a pretty dark 642 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:39,720 time in my life. But in the spirit of being 643 00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:43,520 transparent and honest with everyone, I want you to know I 644 00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,160 am human too. I make mistakes, and it's always 645 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:53,560 how we treat ourselves, how we approach ourselves in the wake 646 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:58,000 of our mistakes, when we're at our lowest, when we've repeated 647 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:03,280 a pattern that defines us and determines our level of 648 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,480 security. At the time, of course, I was 649 00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:09,240 beating myself up tremendously. I felt guilt, I felt shame, I 650 00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:13,840 felt embarrassment, and all of this I was dealing with 651 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:17,080 privately. I mean, it bled over into my 652 00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:20,440 work and my clients knew I wasn't my full true self at the 653 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:25,120 time. But all of this is to say, this 654 00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:30,920 helped me to better integrate and deepen my healing, because 655 00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:35,440 the gentleness that emerged in the months that followed, and 656 00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:41,120 the way I nursed myself back to security and healed from that 657 00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:46,600 relationship has come to define this era of my life. 658 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:52,240 I no longer date in that way. I also see at the time how not 659 00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:55,080 being socially connected, how not being emotionally 660 00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:58,440 diversified, as I've talked about on the show previously, 661 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:04,080 led to me becoming codependent with and anxiously attached to 662 00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:06,480 Xander. And the clarity that emerged 663 00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:11,000 from this experience is something I still hold deeply. 664 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:16,680 And take very seriously for myself, not to beat myself up, 665 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:20,840 but to remember I need to practice what I preach. 666 00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:25,680 And I'm proud to say I do. Now, I'm not perfect, of course, 667 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:30,160 I still make mistakes, but I don't slip up to the extent that 668 00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:33,960 I did with Xander. And part of why I don't is 669 00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,040 because I went through that experience. 670 00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:40,280 So I'm not upset about it. It didn't define me. 671 00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:44,320 It none of these men define me. They each provided a piece of 672 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:49,240 the puzzle that I now see. And that is a beautiful gift 673 00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:51,840 that I have received from these three men. 674 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:55,640 So I'm not upset with Xander. I'm not upset with Aaron. 675 00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:59,920 I'm not upset with Brian. I wish them absolutely nothing 676 00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:03,600 but the best. Truly, from the bottom of my 677 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:07,560 heart, I want them to be happy. I want them to be fulfilled 678 00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:12,560 because I want that for myself. And I recognize the misalignment 679 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:17,080 that was very clearly showing itself and how I wasn't showing 680 00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:19,640 up as my full self or authentically. 681 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,880 And that's the biggest take away out of all of this. 682 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,840 Those are the three relationships that broke me. 683 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:30,360 They broke me open. They cracked open my heart so it 684 00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:34,080 could repair and become even stronger, even more beautiful. 685 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:39,760 And I hope that something I've shared today has touched you. 686 00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:45,120 And if it did, I would really appreciate it if you could rate 687 00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:49,320 and review the podcast on whatever platform you're 688 00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:53,280 listening to it on, be it Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever 689 00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:55,960 else. Leave a comment on Spotify. 690 00:41:55,960 --> 00:42:01,400 My inbox is always open and you can e-mail me at me at Crackliff 691 00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:09,480 dot com CRACKL iffe.com See you next time.