1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,040
Hello everyone, and welcome back
to Needy No More, the podcast 

2
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:07,240
dedicated to healing the anxious
attachment style. 

3
00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,280
I'm your host, anxious 
attachment style coach, and 

4
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:13,680
author Chris Ratcliffe. 
I've helped thousands of people 

5
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,880
across 6 continents to end the 
cycle of anxious attachment 

6
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:21,400
through my books, workshops, 
digital downloads, and coaching 

7
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,080
program. 
I'm excited to carry on that 

8
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:27,120
mission here in the podcast, 
sharing tools and techniques, 

9
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:31,560
principles and practices for you
to explore on your journey to 

10
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:33,920
growing more secure. 
Welcome back to the show, 

11
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:37,960
everyone. 
We are in episode 5 and today is

12
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,400
going to be a little bit 
different. 

13
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:44,040
So far, we've been exploring the
cycle of anxious attachment and 

14
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,760
the different steps within it. 
We've covered trauma, 

15
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:51,120
abandonment, and codependency, 
and we've yet to cover nervous 

16
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:55,120
system dysregulation, stress 
aversion, and addiction. 

17
00:00:55,480 --> 00:01:00,240
We will cover the latter 3 
topics in future episodes, but I

18
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:03,520
thought it might be fun to take 
a little bit of a break from 

19
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,960
going through the cycle and to 
do AQ and a episode. 

20
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,120
So that is exactly what we're 
going to be doing today. 

21
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,720
I'm going to start off by 
answering the top five questions

22
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:18,440
that I typically hear from 
everyone I've spoken to all 

23
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,800
around the world. 
And from there, I've got 25 

24
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:26,640
audience questions from my 
Facebook group, from Instagram, 

25
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:31,440
from TikTok, from every corner 
of my audience online that I'm 

26
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,640
going to go through 1 by 1 and 
answer. 

27
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,480
My hope is that this will touch 
on some topics that are 

28
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,200
currently top of mind for you 
and that you'll be able to learn

29
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:44,160
from the answers that I provide 
for the other folks who 

30
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,520
submitted. 
Keep in mind, remember, you can 

31
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:51,560
always comment on the podcast 
episodes on Spotify, and you can

32
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:56,280
always e-mail me at 
me@crackliff.com. 

33
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,240
OK. 
So let's get into it. 

34
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:02,480
The very first question that I 
typically hear from folks is 

35
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:06,160
where does anxious attachment 
come from? 

36
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,960
This is a bit of a complex 
question because it does vary 

37
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,480
from person to person. 
But as we've been exploring in 

38
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:18,520
the show so far, there are 
specific experiences that occur 

39
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:23,800
that cause us to become 
conditioned to expect our needs 

40
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:28,360
to be unmet or to be met 
inconsistently, and those are 

41
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,960
trauma, abandonment and 
codependency. 

42
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:35,720
Now, the result of those 
experiences are nervous system 

43
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:40,360
dysregulation, stress aversion, 
and addiction, and we've yet to 

44
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,920
explore those in the show so 
far, but we will in future 

45
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:47,400
episodes. 
All this is to say that you're 

46
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,880
anxious attachment style does 
not come out of nowhere. 

47
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:55,480
You experienced moments of 
disconnection, invalidation, 

48
00:02:55,480 --> 00:03:01,000
abuse, neglect, varying forms of
trauma that made you believe 

49
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,800
that you were too much or not 
good enough, that your needs 

50
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,320
didn't matter. 
And that causes us to grow 

51
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,960
anxious in our relationships. 
Like I've mentioned before on 

52
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:16,360
the podcast, many folks can 
trace their anxious attachment 

53
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:20,080
style back to childhood. 
But that's not everyone. 

54
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:23,880
Sometimes folks have a 
relatively stable childhood. 

55
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,560
I think it's rare for folks to 
make it out of childhood 

56
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,960
completely unscathed. 
But that said, you can make it 

57
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,400
out feeling like most of your 
needs are going to be met. 

58
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,400
Like the people in your life are
stable and reliable, and you can

59
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,120
count on them. 
And that is good enough to 

60
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,520
create a secure attachment 
style. 

61
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:47,040
But when that doesn't happen, 
you can see why it would cause 

62
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,960
someone to grow up and think 
that people are always going to 

63
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,880
leave or people are going to 
mistreat them. 

64
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,840
I know I felt this way. 
I've been very upfront about my 

65
00:03:55,840 --> 00:04:00,000
trauma in all aspects of what 
I'm putting out there into the 

66
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,240
world in my books, in this 
podcast, in my coaching 

67
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,240
sessions, in workshops. 
And I've talked about 

68
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,200
experiences I've had with my 
mom, my dad, my sister, 

69
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,560
etcetera. 
But it's important to also know 

70
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,079
that anxious attachment doesn't 
always go back to childhood. 

71
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,320
Sometimes you can experience 
instability, infidelity, and 

72
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,280
invalidation in your adult 
relationships, and that can 

73
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:27,680
cause you to develop an anxious 
attachment style. 

74
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:32,200
But one of the powerful aspects 
of attachment theory is 

75
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,480
recognizing that the experiences
that you have been through have 

76
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:41,400
caused you to be conditioned. 
So in other words, you have gone

77
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:46,320
through experiences that made 
you feel a certain way, and 

78
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:50,080
because of that, you're now 
showing up anxiously in your 

79
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,240
relationships. 
It doesn't just come out of 

80
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,560
nowhere. 
It can be one relationship that 

81
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:59,720
really sets you back from a 
security standpoint, that makes 

82
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:04,600
you grow more insecure. 
So that's the answer to the very

83
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,480
first question, where does this 
come from? 

84
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:12,360
It comes from experiences with 
folks who didn't meet your needs

85
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,560
most of the time, who you felt 
like maybe weren't really 

86
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,160
plugged in or attuned to how you
were feeling, who didn't 

87
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,720
prioritize you, who you feel 
didn't choose you. 

88
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,080
So you've got to look back at 
your relational history and see 

89
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,640
where does this come from? 
What did I experience that 

90
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:35,160
caused my nervous system to 
anticipate this in the future? 

91
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:39,040
The second of the most common 
questions that I typically get 

92
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,880
from folks all around the world 
is why do I feel this way? 

93
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,760
The short answer is that you 
feel anxious in your 

94
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:50,320
relationships because your 
nervous system has learned that 

95
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,400
that is a strategy to try to get
your needs met. 

96
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,040
That you need to lean in, That 
you need to try harder. 

97
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,560
That you need to be the one to 
bridge the gap with the other 

98
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:03,320
person. 
That is learned And like we were

99
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,400
just discussing, The more 
experiences you go through that 

100
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,240
cause you to feel like you need 
to bridge that gap, that you 

101
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:15,160
need to work harder and over 
exert yourself, that you need to

102
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:20,360
abandon yourself in order to get
your needs met, then of course 

103
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:25,840
that will cause you to feel 
disjointed, disconnected and 

104
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:30,200
dysregulated. 
A lot of this boils down to what

105
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:34,800
your nervous system learns in 
terms of a relational model, in 

106
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:40,200
terms of expectations of getting
your needs met or not from the 

107
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:45,360
people in your life. 
And so you feel this way because

108
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,600
of your experiences in 
relationships. 

109
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,200
And keep in mind, this can come 
out at work, it can come out 

110
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:56,480
with friends, it can come out 
with family, but usually it's 

111
00:06:56,480 --> 00:07:00,440
coming out with a romantic 
partner or while dating or in a 

112
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:05,600
relationship because romantic 
relationships are where we feel 

113
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,840
most vulnerable and most 
exposed. 

114
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:12,280
That's where we're most 
sensitive to having our needs 

115
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,440
met or not. 
So you feel this way because 

116
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:19,480
your nervous system has learned 
that it needs to try to protect 

117
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:24,760
you by anticipating being hyper 
vigilant, being hypersensitive. 

118
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,720
It is learned. 
And the beauty of all this is 

119
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,920
that because it is learned, you 
can unlearn it. 

120
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,640
And of course that is a process.
The next most common question 

121
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:40,240
that I get from folks is how do 
I fix myself? 

122
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,920
And for those who are listening 
instead of watching, I used air 

123
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,800
quotes and I'm using air quotes 
when talking about the word 

124
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,320
fixing. 
Because you do not need to fix 

125
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,120
yourself. 
You are not broken. 

126
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:57,120
Your nervous system is doing 
exactly what it feels it needs 

127
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:01,040
to in order to protect you. 
Trying to protect yourself is 

128
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,280
not a bad thing. 
Your nervous system is designed 

129
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:08,640
for that. 
So from a short term standpoint,

130
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,480
it will protect you and it will 
keep you safe, but long term it 

131
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,120
will prevent you from connecting
with others. 

132
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:19,320
So it actually becomes the very 
thing that prevents you from 

133
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,640
getting the kind of dynamic or 
building the kind of 

134
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,360
relationship that can actually 
help you to heal. 

135
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,560
So while you don't need to fix 
yourself, you might need to 

136
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:34,120
unlearn protective patterns, 
conditioning that you picked up 

137
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,960
along the way, coping mechanisms
and machinery that we build 

138
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:41,559
around ourselves to try to 
prevent ourselves from 

139
00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:45,280
experiencing pain and from 
getting hurt again in the 

140
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,320
future. 
But you cannot experience 

141
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,840
connection without 
vulnerability. 

142
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:56,160
So when you don't allow yourself
to be vulnerable and you don't 

143
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,680
put yourself out there, you 
actually prevent yourself from 

144
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:03,880
experiencing the very connection
that you need in order to heal. 

145
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,680
So you don't need to fix 
yourself, but you might need to 

146
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:10,640
heal from some of your traumatic
experiences, to come to terms 

147
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,280
with what has happened, to make 
peace with your past, which is a

148
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:18,440
process that you'll go through 
continually again and again as 

149
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,960
it comes up. 
You might need to strengthen and

150
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,680
maybe even develop a 
relationship with your inner 

151
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:31,000
child or your previous self. 
If you feel like this stems from

152
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,680
your relationships in adulthood,
you could always do that with 

153
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,960
your previous self. 
Inner child work is just 

154
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,760
previous self work. 
You're sitting with parts of 

155
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,480
yourself that didn't get to 
express themselves and didn't 

156
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:47,440
have their feelings heard, that 
weren't held with a sense of 

157
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,840
care and comfort and consistency
and compassion. 

158
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,080
So those are some of the ways 
that you can help to heal, and 

159
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,320
we'll continue addressing how to
heal the anxious attachment 

160
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,280
style in future episodes of the 
show. 

161
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,640
But for now, please know that 
you are not a car. 

162
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,840
You're not broken down on the 
side of the highway. 

163
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,880
You are a human being and you 
might be more sensitive than 

164
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,680
most. 
That is definitely true of folks

165
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:15,000
who are on the more anxious side
of things, who are on the 

166
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,840
anxious side of the attachment 
spectrum. 

167
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,920
That is OK, but that does not 
mean that you require fixing. 

168
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,440
You're not broken. 
Your system is doing what it 

169
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:27,200
feels it needs to do, so you got
to work with that energy and 

170
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,200
meet it at that level. 
But telling yourself that you're

171
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:34,040
broken or that you need fixing 
only reinforces shame, which 

172
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,680
keeps you locked in anxious 
attachment because it requires 

173
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:41,360
an external balancing force 
because you feel yourself to not

174
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:45,400
be worthy enough internally. 
The next most common question 

175
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,360
that I get is will I always be 
like this? 

176
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,440
The short answer is no, you will
not. 

177
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:56,280
Does that mean that even as you 
address your protective patterns

178
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,880
and work to heal, that you won't
experience anxiety? 

179
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,720
That you won't get triggered? 
No, of course it doesn't mean 

180
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,640
that. 
What it means is that you'll 

181
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,000
learn to move through it more 
quickly. 

182
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,080
Through learning to regulate 
your nervous system. 

183
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,600
You will learn to be present 
with your feelings, to not 

184
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:18,240
project them onto other people, 
to approach them from a grounded

185
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,640
place and ask for what you need.
And that means that you'll move 

186
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,680
through those feelings of 
anxiety and doubt and discomfort

187
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:30,880
and worry and fear more quickly.
It does not prevent you from 

188
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:34,680
experiencing any uncomfortable 
emotions, because as humans were

189
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:38,760
meant to experience the full 
breadth of the human experience 

190
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:42,520
and of all of the emotions, 
whether they're comfortable or 

191
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,680
not. 
So you're not always going to 

192
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:49,720
feel this way. 
No, you'll have plenty of 

193
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:55,680
experiences of connection and 
joy and happiness and peace and 

194
00:11:55,680 --> 00:12:00,320
stability, And from time to 
time, yes, you will get anxious,

195
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:05,440
but it's always how you address 
your feelings that matters. 

196
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:09,520
Secure attachers still feel all 
of those things. 

197
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:13,440
It's what they do with the 
feelings that makes them more 

198
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,960
secure. 
They know they won't last. 

199
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,560
They know that they'll have 
their needs met in one form or 

200
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,880
another, even if it means they 
need to diversify away from this

201
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,840
relationship or go to someone 
else. 

202
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,640
It means that they recognize 
that the needs themselves are 

203
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:32,640
not the issue, that they are not
a burden, and that feelings, 

204
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,440
again, won't last. 
That you're going to move 

205
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,040
through them. 
Because emotions aren't 

206
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,600
permanent. 
You're not always feeling one 

207
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:43,360
thing in perpetuity. 
In fact, we're usually 

208
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:48,800
experiencing bursts of emotions,
many emotions, simultaneously. 

209
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,160
Which means that you can learn 
to lean into other aspects of 

210
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:55,200
your experience. 
So you can learn to see that you

211
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,960
can hold grief and gratitude 
simultaneously. 

212
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:03,120
You can hold discomfort and 
safety simultaneously. 

213
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,360
So with that said, no, you're 
not going to always feel the way

214
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,520
that you feel right now. 
If you are in a state of anxious

215
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,040
attachment, it means that you'll
learn to move more quickly 

216
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,560
through it and that you even 
recognize that that movement and

217
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,560
that cycling, that ebbing and 
flowing is a part of the 

218
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,520
process. 
That it doesn't mean you're 

219
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,640
taking a step back or that 
there's something wrong with 

220
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:27,280
you. 
The 5th of the top five most 

221
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:31,920
common questions that I get is 
how long will it take me to heal

222
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,360
this? 
Please hear me clearly when I 

223
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,800
say this. 
Healing is not a function of 

224
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,560
time. 
Many of my coaching clients have

225
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:44,680
made more progress in three 
months with me than they have in

226
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:48,680
three years, either on their own
or with a therapist or both. 

227
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:52,800
And that is because healing is a
function of safety. 

228
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:57,560
If it is unsafe relationships 
that wound us, it is safe 

229
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,000
relationships that help us to 
heal. 

230
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:04,440
And I am one of those folks. 
For the people that I work with,

231
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,960
I see them. 
I get it because I have been 

232
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,680
there and I never judge or 
criticize them. 

233
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:14,280
So they feel very heard, very 
seen, very understood. 

234
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,800
And that means that because 
they're held in such a 

235
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,600
comfortable way, because they 
feel those things, because they 

236
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:24,480
feel so safe, they can make a 
lot of progress and right over a

237
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:29,520
lot of that pain from the past 
time is a concept of the 

238
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:33,480
rational brain. 
Emotions are not housed in the 

239
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:37,560
rational brain, and in fact 
themselves are irrational. 

240
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,920
So you've got to meet yourself 
in your emotional brain. 

241
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:46,120
And This is why when many people
try to journal or talk their way

242
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:51,520
out of their traumas or through 
their healing, it doesn't work 

243
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,280
because you can only make so 
much progress that way. 

244
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,800
It doesn't mean those techniques
are ineffective, but they're 

245
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,000
only going to get you so far. 
You have to learn to work with 

246
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:05,800
the emotional brain, which 
doesn't operate by the rules of 

247
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:10,240
logic or the thinking mind. 
So you've got to operate 

248
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,480
differently. 
You have to allow yourself to 

249
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:17,480
just experience it, and you have
to allow your emotions to unfold

250
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,520
as they will. 
And sharing and opening up to 

251
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,080
others can really help, 
especially when they can hold 

252
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,720
this with you. 
They can't take away the 

253
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,440
discomfort, but they can be 
present with you when you 

254
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,040
experience it, and that helps 
tremendously. 

255
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,720
I always say that there's three 
aspects to healing. 

256
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:39,640
There's time, intentional 
action, and love and support. 

257
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,800
Those are the three aspects that
we need. 

258
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,120
Time is not the only thing that 
caused you to get hurt. 

259
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:49,480
Time can certainly help from a 
healing standpoint, but there's 

260
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:53,480
no set limit. 
And sometimes you have to remind

261
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,640
yourself that it is the process 
of going through the emotions 

262
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,080
that is actually healing. 
It is the process of learning to

263
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:06,680
open up and express yourself, to
lean on the people that you do 

264
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:10,520
feel safe with, that helps you 
to move more quickly through the

265
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,320
experience. 
But healing is a process, it is 

266
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,200
a journey, and it is a lifelong 
one. 

267
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,160
It's important to remember too, 
that healing is not linear. 

268
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,600
It is actually a spiral upwards,
not a line upwards. 

269
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:27,000
That means that you're going to 
be on different sides of that 

270
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,640
mountain, which means you'll 
revisit similar lessons. 

271
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:34,480
That you need to reintegrate at 
a deeper level that is 

272
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,800
absolutely natural doesn't mean 
you're taking a step back. 

273
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:41,360
It means you're deepening your 
understanding of the techniques 

274
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:45,160
and of the principles. 
That's a big one to remember. 

275
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,720
So healing is not a function of 
time. 

276
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,160
That said, you will need some 
time and from person to person 

277
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:56,800
that will vary, but you'll reach
a point, a tipping point, where 

278
00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:01,360
you do feel more confident, more
solid, more peaceful, more 

279
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,560
secure in your relationships, 
and you'll move more quickly 

280
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,920
through the discomfort, through 
the experience of your anxiety. 

281
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,760
OK, so those are the top five 
questions that I typically get 

282
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,480
from folks. 
Where does anxious attachment 

283
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,960
come from? 
Why do I feel this way? 

284
00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:17,880
How do I fix myself? 
Will I always be like this and 

285
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:22,319
how long does it take to heal? 
I'm going to now transition into

286
00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:26,520
answering audience questions and
the very first one is I'm 

287
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,920
currently in meshed and I can't 
end it. 

288
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,880
I have self abandoned and know 
it's irrational. 

289
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,560
What do I do? 
Well First things first here. 

290
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:40,240
You can end it, you just don't 
want to and that is OK. 

291
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:46,160
Many of us repeat dynamics 
emotionally from our past. 

292
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,440
We're trying to heal from 
experiences that we've been 

293
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,400
through previously and we're 
projecting that onto the person 

294
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,440
in front of us so you can end 
it. 

295
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,240
I know when you're enmeshed, it 
feels like that person is your 

296
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,480
end all be all. 
I know it also feels like they 

297
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,920
are your entire life. 
They are not. 

298
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:10,920
In order to address this, you 
need to take some of the energy 

299
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:15,000
that you are allocating to that 
person and instead allocate it 

300
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,080
to yourself. 
If you know you're doing 

301
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:21,680
something that is irrational, 
you have to recognize that you 

302
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,520
are playing a role in this and 
you need to take accountability 

303
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,360
for how you're spending your 
time and energy, which are 

304
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:31,600
finite resources. 
So do things that are 

305
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,400
replenishing to you. 
Make plans with friends, go to 

306
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,480
that workout class, journal, 
meditate, do cold exposure. 

307
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,720
Take some of the time away from 
that person. 

308
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,680
I know it's scary to do this 
because you might be afraid of 

309
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:49,280
losing them, but what's even 
worse is losing yourself and 

310
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,600
then the relationship crumbling 
under the weight of the pressure

311
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,720
that you're putting on them. 
We explored this in last week's 

312
00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,160
episode on how a fear of 
abandonment is a self fulfilling

313
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,440
prophecy. 
Do not abandon yourself. 

314
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:08,560
You can leave if you need to, if
you know it's unhealthy, if you 

315
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,320
don't feel like the other person
is aligned with you in the ways 

316
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,440
that you need. 
And it can be deeply healing for

317
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:18,360
an anxious attacher to actually 
leave and end the relationship 

318
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,880
first, because many of us are 
accustomed to being left. 

319
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,360
And it can be really empowering 
to own the fact that the 

320
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,560
relationship just is not what we
need, even if it is really 

321
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,000
painful to let go. 
Next question, can I heal and 

322
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,160
still be enmeshed? 
Yes, both of those things can 

323
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,480
happen concurrently. 
They're not mutually exclusive. 

324
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,600
You can be working on your 
healing and you can still 

325
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:45,200
experience enmeshment in your 
relationships sometimes. 

326
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,840
Again, we need to go through 
mistakes multiple times in order

327
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:52,000
to learn the lesson that it's 
trying to teach us from those 

328
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,440
experiences. 
I know that's true for me. 

329
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,920
I've been meshed with folks more
times than I would ever care to 

330
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,360
admit. 
But you need to recognize that 

331
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,280
if you're still repeating 
patterns, there's probably some 

332
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:09,080
more healing work that you need 
to do in order to better be 

333
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,440
boundaried. 
When you're approaching 

334
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:16,080
relationships and to recognize 
that enmeshment is a function of

335
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,400
codependency that is driven by 
self abandonment. 

336
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,760
Remember from the codependency 
episode, When I read that 

337
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:27,560
chapter from Needy No More, the 
book and the quote from that 

338
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,000
chapter that really stands out 
to me that I always say is 

339
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:35,920
codependency is the vehicle, 
enmeshment is the engine, self 

340
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:40,840
abandonment is the fuel. 
So you have to stop abandoning 

341
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,200
yourself, at least more often 
than not. 

342
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,960
It's not about absolutes. 
OK? 

343
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,120
The more you can incrementally 
learn to take back some of that 

344
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:53,280
time, take back some of your 
power, the better off you will 

345
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,440
be. 
You can experience degrees of 

346
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,880
enmeshment and it can still be 
healthy. 

347
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,600
It doesn't mean that bonding 
with other people is an issue. 

348
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,600
And so it's important to 
recognize that yes, you can 

349
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,920
still do these two things. 
You can still be healing, and 

350
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,640
you can still be experiencing 
enmeshment. 

351
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,520
These might be indications, 
though, of where you need to 

352
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:17,680
focus your future efforts from a
healing standpoint. 

353
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,480
Next question I trust my partner
but not his ex. 

354
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,720
How to deal? 
At the end of the day, you have 

355
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,720
no control over what other 
people do. 

356
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,400
That includes both your partner 
and their ex. 

357
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:34,040
By trusting your partner, you 
have to trust that how they're 

358
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:38,360
interacting with that person is 
in a way that would not 

359
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,880
embarrass you or put your 
relationship at risk. 

360
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:46,040
As I remind folks, the opposite 
of of uncertainty is not 

361
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:50,000
certainty, it is self trust. 
You have to remind yourself that

362
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:55,600
if and when you were to find out
that something sketchy is going 

363
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:59,080
on with the two of them, that 
you'll address it head on and if

364
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,800
necessary, you'll leave the 
relationship if it violates your

365
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:06,360
trust enough and if it violates 
your safety enough. 

366
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:11,480
How you deal is focusing on what
you can control, not on what you

367
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,200
can't. 
So what you can do is learn to 

368
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:18,920
be with the feelings of jealousy
and frustration and insecurity 

369
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:24,720
that come up to ask your partner
to hug you, to hold you, to 

370
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,800
spend more time with you. 
Remember, we've talked about 

371
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,320
asking for more of what you 
want. 

372
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:33,080
These are good examples of that.
So you don't try to control the 

373
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,000
relationship that your partner 
has with their ex. 

374
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,360
You can express that it makes 
you uncomfortable, you can 

375
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:43,120
express that you understand why 
they might want to communicate 

376
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:46,200
with them, but you don't try to 
control that. 

377
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:49,840
I know it's hard, but you've got
to learn to detach in those 

378
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,360
circumstances. 
It's the only thing that you can

379
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:55,240
do. 
Next question, is it common for 

380
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,120
an anxious attacher to push 
their partner away when being 

381
00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:01,040
pursued for sexual intimacy if 
needs are not met? 

382
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,600
If so, what can be done to 
prevent or change this? 

383
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,880
So yes, it is common for an 
anxious attacher to engage in 

384
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:13,160
protest behavior and to push 
away the very connection that it

385
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,840
is that we desire. 
So in this circumstance, you 

386
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,960
might feel like your needs are 
not being met, so you're 

387
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,680
rejecting your partner because 
you feel they're rejecting you. 

388
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:27,440
This is a recipe for disaster. 
In order to address this, you 

389
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,440
have to recognize that you're 
preventing the very connection 

390
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:35,800
that it is that you desire. 
Learn to be with the feelings of

391
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:39,440
not having your needs met and 
talk to your partner about what 

392
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:43,520
might be getting in the way. 
But do not reject them or push 

393
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:47,520
them away when they're trying to
connect with you on a physical 

394
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:52,720
level because that's going to 
cause more disconnection in the 

395
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,480
relationship. 
And that's not going to make 

396
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,600
them want to meet your needs any
more than they already are 

397
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:02,240
because they're going to feel 
inadequate as a result of that. 

398
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:08,520
So you have to learn to address 
things head on, to go to your 

399
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,360
partner and say, this is what 
I'm hoping for from you. 

400
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,640
This is what I'd like more of. 
I'd like to talk about ways that

401
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,840
we can negotiate how these needs
are met that work for both of 

402
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,840
us. 
But you don't reject them or 

403
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:27,240
just not have sex with them, OK.
You might not be willing to in 

404
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,520
that moment. 
You might not be in the mood, in

405
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,640
which case that's a genuine 
thing to say to them. 

406
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,680
Like, hey, you know, I'm not 
really feeling up to this 

407
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,400
because I'm feeling a little bit
disconnected. 

408
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,120
And I want to address some 
things in our connections. 

409
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,160
And I'm hoping that you might be
amenable to that. 

410
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,040
It's important to address things
directly. 

411
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,120
Be direct. 
The more direct that you are, 

412
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:53,840
the more secure you are. 
Next one, How do you heal after 

413
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,080
breaking up with an extremely 
avoidant partner? 

414
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,960
It feels like my all time high 
anxiety levels were hit. 

415
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,000
You deal with a breakup in the 
same way that you do any other 

416
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,440
breakup. 
You've got to lean into the 

417
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,760
process of grieving the 
connection. 

418
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:13,840
That means grieving the moments 
of joy and camaraderie and 

419
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,720
companionship that you had with 
them, the times that were 

420
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:20,160
really, really good. 
And it also means grieving the 

421
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:24,480
experiences of disconnection and
invalidation and not having your

422
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,720
needs met and maybe tolerating 
more than you should have. 

423
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,800
You've also got to grieve the 
future that you were working 

424
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,120
towards, that you built in your 
mind, and you have to learn to 

425
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:39,320
let go of the idea that you 
created about this person in 

426
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,760
your mind. 
That is a big part of the 

427
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,680
grieving process, especially 
because anxious avoidant 

428
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:50,760
partnerships tend to start off 
so electrically, so intensely. 

429
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,680
Many of us are working to 
recreate those sparks at the 

430
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:59,280
beginning that we had with that 
person, and learning and feeling

431
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:04,200
like we cannot recreate that is 
really hard and like we lost 

432
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,120
something truly special is 
really, really challenging. 

433
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:09,880
Please know there are many 
people with whom you will 

434
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,000
connect. 
Not all of those people know how

435
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,640
to sustain a healthy 
relationship. 

436
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,440
They might not have learned how 
to set boundaries or how to 

437
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:23,440
communicate in an effective 
manner or how to hold space for 

438
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:27,040
other people and their feelings.
Focus on learning what you can 

439
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:31,480
from the connection, how you can
show up in a more secure and 

440
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:37,240
healthy fashion in the future. 
Make a list of what you're proud

441
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:40,360
of from the relationship because
it's not all bad. 

442
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,960
What did you experience with 
this person that was good for 

443
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,200
you? 
What qualities did they possess 

444
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,480
that you're hoping your next 
partner might possess? 

445
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,720
Someone who is avoidant is going
to trigger you at a very deep 

446
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:57,160
level and it hits at some core 
wounds that folks like us have. 

447
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:02,120
It brings up all kinds of 
abandonment related trauma, and 

448
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,440
that's really tough. 
So you have to validate for 

449
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:09,120
yourself that it is OK that 
you're feeling so intensely at 

450
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:13,200
the end of this part of your 
relationship with this person. 

451
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:16,160
And remember that relationships 
don't end, they just take 

452
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,720
different forms. 
You're still relating to them in

453
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,080
your mind. 
You're still mulling over the 

454
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:25,320
relationship from the past. 
You're still trying to process 

455
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,760
letting go of the future you 
were working towards. 

456
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,120
Those are all natural parts of 
the grieving process. 

457
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:34,800
I'm doing an upcoming episode on
breakup so we'll address this 

458
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,280
more in the future. 
Next question, I started a 

459
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,800
relationship after divorce with 
great communication. 

460
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,320
Over a year into it and I'm 
seeing so many avoidant 

461
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,040
tendencies with them. 
Is my anxious attachment 

462
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,440
contributing to this? 
I have done lots of work. 

463
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,560
Now it feels like I'm heading 
backwards fast. 

464
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,120
Look, relationships are a 
dynamic. 

465
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,960
You're feeding off of their 
energy and they're feeding off 

466
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,320
of yours. 
So it works both ways. 

467
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:06,000
So yes, you're anxious 
tendencies might be contributing

468
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:10,360
to some of the distance that you
might be feeling with that 

469
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:13,120
person. 
The only way you're going to 

470
00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:18,000
know is if you sit down with 
them and address it directly to 

471
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:22,400
talk about how you have been 
feeling, to explain to them that

472
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,400
you're not going anywhere, that 
you want to work on it together,

473
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:29,720
that you're open to hearing 
their feedback as well. 

474
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:32,640
If you happen to be noticing 
that they're dismissing your 

475
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:36,760
feelings, that they're 
invalidating you, you might have

476
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,520
to stand up and advocate for 
yourself and remind them, as I 

477
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:44,240
encourage my clients to do all 
the time in their relationships,

478
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:48,320
that that other person is also 
complicit in creating a dynamic 

479
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:51,200
in which they might not want to 
participate. 

480
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:56,000
Remind yourself, your teammates,
they are not your enemy. 

481
00:28:56,480 --> 00:29:00,600
You can work together to address
this, but you're going to need 

482
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:05,560
to be direct. 
And, and if after multiple times

483
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:08,360
of trying to address this and 
trying to advocate for your 

484
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:11,760
needs and expressing your 
appreciation for the ways that 

485
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:15,520
they're showing up for you and 
asking them for more of what you

486
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:19,240
do desire and talking, you know,
about any blockages that might 

487
00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:23,240
be present, then you're going to
have to realize that you're 

488
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:26,800
either going to have to accept 
them for who they are or accept 

489
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:29,000
that they might not be the 
person that you need to be in a 

490
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:33,280
relationship with. 
Do not try to recreate the 

491
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:35,480
dynamic from the beginning of 
the relationship. 

492
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:40,520
You cannot recover that, but you
can renegotiate things in a way 

493
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,080
that works for both of you. 
Now, what are some healthy ways 

494
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,520
to navigate the fear of 
abandonment without seeking 

495
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,360
external reassurance? 
Well, you can validate yourself.

496
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:50,280
You can do inner child 
reassurance. 

497
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:52,560
You can do nervous system 
regulation. 

498
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:57,080
And it's important to recognize 
that healing is never about 

499
00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:00,720
operating in isolation. 
Because we are social creatures,

500
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:03,440
we need reassurance. 
We need other people. 

501
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:07,520
That's what helps to provide the
safety that helps us to heal 

502
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,600
from experiences that lacked 
that safety in the past. 

503
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:15,600
So it's never about one or the 
other, about only seeking 

504
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:17,520
externally or only going 
internally. 

505
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:19,200
It's about learning to hold 
both. 

506
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:24,160
So your question is also 
problematic in that it implies 

507
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:26,360
that you should not seek 
external reassurance. 

508
00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:30,360
You can and you should, and it 
will help with people who 

509
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:32,320
actually are able to provide 
that. 

510
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,560
How can I tell the difference 
between a valid relationship 

511
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,720
concern and my attachment 
anxiety? 

512
00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:44,440
They're not mutually exclusive. 
I think a really telling way to 

513
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:48,680
see if something is coming from 
nervous system dysregulation or 

514
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:53,240
being triggered or being in a 
state of anxious attachment is 

515
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:57,080
if there is a sense of urgency. 
If you feel you need to address 

516
00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:01,880
it right away right now in order
to feel better, that is probably

517
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,960
telling you that it's coming 
from the past and not what's 

518
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,240
happening right now. 
It doesn't mean that there might

519
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,720
not still be something for you 
to address, but it does mean 

520
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:15,120
that you need to sit with your 
feelings and decipher what it is

521
00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:19,120
exactly that you want to ask for
or to talk about with the other 

522
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,320
person. 
To try to regulate yourself to a

523
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,240
level where you can have a 
productive conversation. 

524
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:28,160
Any concerns that you might have
about a relationship, if you 

525
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:31,840
sleep on it for 24 to 48 hours, 
they're still going to be there 

526
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:34,040
and you can address it at that 
time. 

527
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:39,240
These things are also usually 
addressed better in person, so 

528
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,400
it might have to wait just by 
the nature of waiting until you 

529
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,400
see that person next. 
How do I balance being 

530
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:50,600
emotionally available while 
maintaining my own boundaries? 

531
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:53,080
These are also not mutually 
exclusive. 

532
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:58,040
Boundaries are the ways through 
which you make yourself 

533
00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:02,320
emotionally available. 
They create the lanes of 

534
00:32:02,320 --> 00:32:06,320
expression for you. 
They create the borders of the 

535
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:09,120
relationship in which you're 
willing to exist. 

536
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,840
So how do you balance it? 
Well, you communicate your 

537
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:15,800
boundaries. 
Those are your limits when it 

538
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:17,920
comes to your emotional 
availability. 

539
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,280
That's how you balance it. 
You set and you maintain your 

540
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:24,000
boundaries. 
You realize that boundaries are 

541
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,760
the distance at which you can 
love them and you 

542
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:30,080
simultaneously. 
That is a quote from Prentice 

543
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:31,200
Hemphill. 
By the way. 

544
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:34,320
What strategies can help me 
break the habit of overthinking 

545
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:37,560
or assuming the worst 
overthinking is under feeling. 

546
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:41,840
Sit with your system, identify 
where there might be tension or 

547
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,800
constriction. 
Breathe into those pockets of 

548
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:49,000
tension and constriction. 
Recognize that overthinking, 

549
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:52,640
rumination are symptoms and not 
the cause. 

550
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:54,920
The cause is nervous system 
dysregulation. 

551
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,680
So you have to learn to be with 
your body and with the 

552
00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:01,160
sensations of discomfort and 
stress. 

553
00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:07,520
And that will ultimately address
the symptom of thinking or the 

554
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:11,360
thoughts that are happening as a
result of you experiencing 

555
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:13,520
something that you do not want 
to experience. 

556
00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:17,400
And therein lies the problem. 
You have to be willing to 

557
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:21,520
experience all emotions and to 
know that they won't last. 

558
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,560
And to remind yourself you don't
have to do this alone. 

559
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:26,440
You can lean on your support 
system. 

560
00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:31,520
So in terms of overthinking, 
focus on feeling, not thinking. 

561
00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:34,640
The thoughts are not the issue. 
Actually. 

562
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,840
It is the nervous system 
dysregulation that's driving it 

563
00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:39,480
that's calling you back into 
your body. 

564
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,880
That's why it feels so urgent. 
Your body is literally screaming

565
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:45,640
at you to be with it. 
So be with it. 

566
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,560
And if you can't, if you don't 
have the capacity at that time, 

567
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:54,160
go out to dinner, go to the 
movies, call up or FaceTime a 

568
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:59,000
friend until such a time when 
you can be with it and then be 

569
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,120
with it. 
How can I create more emotional 

570
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:04,160
security within myself so that I
don't rely so heavily on my 

571
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:08,080
partner's responses? 
This question is problematic 

572
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:13,159
because you're always going to 
experience reactions to things 

573
00:34:13,159 --> 00:34:16,360
that happen around you. 
So trying to prevent yourself 

574
00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:20,880
from feeling things is an issue.
So that is what I would prevent 

575
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:23,560
yourself from doing. 
You have to be willing to risk 

576
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:26,280
pain. 
You have to be willing to get 

577
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:29,679
hurt. 
You have to be willing to be 

578
00:34:29,679 --> 00:34:32,800
triggered. 
Security comes from recognizing 

579
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:36,800
that that experience won't last,
that your feelings are valid, 

580
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:39,600
and also that they're not going 
to last forever. 

581
00:34:39,679 --> 00:34:44,639
Yes, work at affirming yourself 
and validating yourself, but 

582
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,679
it's OK to rely on your 
partner's responses. 

583
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:50,920
They're an important person in 
your life. 

584
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:55,159
So there's an implication here. 
There's an inference that you 

585
00:34:55,159 --> 00:34:59,960
shouldn't be relying on them. 
You shouldn't be only relying on

586
00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:01,760
them. 
This might mean calling up a 

587
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,960
friend instead and talking 
through this. 

588
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:07,600
This might mean working with a 
therapist or a coach like me, 

589
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:12,480
for instance, to validate 
yourself so that you don't rely 

590
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:15,600
so much or put so much pressure 
on the other person. 

591
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:19,200
But you're always going to feel 
things as a result of what's 

592
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:20,840
happening around you. 
You cannot prevent that. 

593
00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:23,640
How can I practice healthy 
detachment without feeling like 

594
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:26,480
I'm abandoning my partner or 
giving up on love? 

595
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:31,640
Healthy detachment is about 
recognizing that there's only so

596
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,200
much that you can do for someone
else. 

597
00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:38,960
You can hold space for them. 
You can offer your support, you 

598
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:42,320
can ask them if they want your 
perspective, if they're looking 

599
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:47,920
for solutions, but it's not 
abandoning someone to allow them

600
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,840
to experience what they are 
going through. 

601
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:54,520
That's actually you preventing 
yourself from abandoning 

602
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:58,760
yourself, which is a good thing.
You're not giving up on love, 

603
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:02,760
you're giving love a chance. 
You can't prevent someone from 

604
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:07,040
experiencing pain or discomfort.
And it is important, as we've 

605
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:10,600
discussed, to allow them to 
experience it, because that can 

606
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:14,800
be motivating in ways that they 
need in order to address their 

607
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:18,800
own stuff, in order to be 
motivated to change or evolve or

608
00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:21,240
to grow or to address whatever's
in front of them. 

609
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:26,520
You're not abandoning them. 
Your presence is enough. 

610
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:30,760
You do not have to always solve 
other people's issues or do the 

611
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,160
work for them. 
You're not abandoning them. 

612
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,840
When you do this, you're 
actually preventing self 

613
00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:39,160
abandonment. 
How do I know if I'm engaging in

614
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,840
protest behavior or simply 
standing up for myself? 

615
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:44,760
I think this goes back to what I
was saying earlier about 

616
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:47,360
urgency. 
Protest behavior is going to 

617
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:50,240
come from a place of urgency. 
It's going to say, well, if you 

618
00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:53,240
did this, I'm going to do that. 
It's retaliatory. 

619
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:57,040
Standing up for yourself means 
look, I understand where you're 

620
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,520
coming from. 
My perspective is different. 

621
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,760
I would like to share that with 
you because I know that my 

622
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:07,000
feelings and my needs are valid.
You can still advocate for 

623
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:10,760
yourself without retaliating, 
and that's the difference. 

624
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:14,840
How do I handle moments when I 
feel the urge to reach out for 

625
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:17,640
reassurance, but know it's 
coming from anxiety rather than 

626
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:20,800
genuine need? 
There's nothing wrong with 

627
00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:24,000
reaching out for reassurance, 
even if it's coming from 

628
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:27,560
anxiety, and part of what helps 
us to move through anxiety more 

629
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:30,560
quickly is to express it. 
I know that this was likely 

630
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,120
unintentional, and I know that 
you probably didn't mean it to 

631
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:37,120
come across this way, but I was 
really triggered when I heard or

632
00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:39,800
saw Blank. 
And I'm sharing this with you 

633
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:43,640
not to make you feel bad or like
you've done something wrong or 

634
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,960
like you're a bad partner, but 
to understand where I'm coming 

635
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:52,080
from and to just hear me out. 
Talking through things is 

636
00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:56,360
important, and that is related 
to safety and intimacy. 

637
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:59,720
This is the dependency paradox. 
The more you learn you can 

638
00:37:59,720 --> 00:38:02,120
depend on someone, the less you 
actually do. 

639
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,720
So the more you do lean on 
someone who can reassure you, 

640
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:07,680
the less you'll need that 
reassurance. 

641
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:11,720
How can I set realistic 
expectations for myself while 

642
00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:14,080
I'm healing? 
One, you don't do everything 

643
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:16,480
overnight. 
And it's also not all about 

644
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:18,880
doing. 
It's about learning to be with 

645
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:20,720
your body and with your 
feelings. 

646
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:23,200
So you got to balance being and 
doing. 

647
00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,600
That's the first thing that I 
would recommend. 

648
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:29,480
The second thing is, again, 
remember the three aspects of 

649
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,760
healing. 
Time, intentional action and 

650
00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:36,000
love and support. 
We need to lean on other people.

651
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:38,080
That means you'll need your 
support system. 

652
00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:43,960
So while healing, think about 
who do I have in my corner? 

653
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:49,680
Do I need a professional here to
maybe accelerate this process or

654
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:52,520
to direct me or guide me along 
the journey? 

655
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:56,120
Again, many folks that I work 
with experience more healing in 

656
00:38:56,120 --> 00:39:00,040
three months with me than they 
do in three years by themselves.

657
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:04,080
So think about the support 
system and the team that you 

658
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:07,720
need to get through this and to 
address whatever it is that 

659
00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:11,880
you're going through. 
Remember that a romantic partner

660
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:15,080
is one person and they are 
human. 

661
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,480
They're going to disappoint you.
They're not going to be able to 

662
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:21,240
meet your needs all the time. 
Your romantic partner is not 

663
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:24,160
some sort of needs fulfilling 
ATM. 

664
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:27,440
You can't just go to them and 
make a withdrawal whenever it's 

665
00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:30,920
convenient for you. 
They've got a life, they have 

666
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:33,320
things going on. 
A big part of healing is 

667
00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:37,840
learning to be more flexible 
with other people, and also 

668
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:43,160
recognizing that someone else 
can only do so much for us that 

669
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:47,760
a romantic partner, a friend, a 
family member, you know they've 

670
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:49,360
got their own stuff going on 
too. 

671
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:52,760
And you need to step up and meet
your own needs a lot more of the

672
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:54,840
time usually. 
And learn to value your own 

673
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:56,720
time. 
How do I stay present in my 

674
00:39:56,720 --> 00:40:00,120
relationship without letting my 
fears dictate my actions? 

675
00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:04,400
Well, learn to have a healthier 
relationship with your fear. 

676
00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:07,760
Fear is neither good nor bad, 
but it will show you what you're

677
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:09,840
still carrying with you from the
past. 

678
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,680
The conditioning that's there, 
that's present in your nervous 

679
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:17,960
system and in your body, the 
wiring in your brain that causes

680
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:22,880
you to anticipate similar things
to happen now and in the future 

681
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:26,560
to what happened in the past. 
Learning to regulate your 

682
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:30,360
nervous system will help you to 
sit with your fear and to 

683
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:34,200
recognize that you always have a
choice whether or not you act on

684
00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:38,000
it and where you go for comfort 
in those moments. 

685
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:41,720
That it doesn't always have to 
be that romantic partner or one 

686
00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:43,440
person. 
You can be present in your 

687
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:47,400
relationship by learning to be 
present with yourself. 

688
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:52,840
This is a big part of the work 
of healing anxious attachment is

689
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:55,880
learning to regulate your 
nervous system to be with the 

690
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:57,840
feelings of discomfort that come
up. 

691
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:01,600
Give yourself breathing room. 
Remember that you don't have to 

692
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:06,120
rush to any kind of solution, 
any kind of action that you can.

693
00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:09,880
Let your fear be there and if 
over multiple days you're still 

694
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:12,760
feeling it, then share it with 
your partner. 

695
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:17,360
Say, look this is really 
vulnerable of me to say but I 

696
00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:20,120
just need you to hold me because
I've just been feeling really 

697
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:23,360
scared and I know it's 
irrational, but I just need you 

698
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:26,160
to be here with me and hold me 
and tell me everything is going 

699
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:28,440
to be OK. 
How can I approach my partner's 

700
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:31,960
avoidant tendencies without 
triggering my own anxiousness 

701
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:33,760
again? 
It's not about preventing 

702
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:36,120
yourself from getting triggered,
because your partner is going to

703
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:38,920
trigger you eventually. 
No matter what you do, no matter

704
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:42,680
how secure or regulated you are,
or no matter how much work they 

705
00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:45,960
do to grow more secure. 
It is inevitable. 

706
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:50,000
So how can you approach your 
avoidant partner? 

707
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:54,120
Remember to stay emotionally 
diversified, to make plans with 

708
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:57,280
friends, to give yourself things
to look forward to in the 

709
00:41:57,280 --> 00:42:01,360
future, like going on a road 
trip or a cruise or a vacation 

710
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,720
of some sort. 
Remember to take really good 

711
00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:07,760
care of yourself, so to have 
your routine and to do your best

712
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:10,880
to stick with it. 
But in terms of approaching 

713
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:14,720
their avoidant tendencies, let 
them know what you appreciate 

714
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:18,960
that they're doing, because 
avoidance are very, very 

715
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:23,280
sensitive to criticism. 
So it's important that they see 

716
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:27,320
that you see what they're doing 
to meet your needs and to let 

717
00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:29,960
them know that they can come to 
you with anything. 

718
00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:33,280
That if they ever need space, 
that it is OK and that you 

719
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:37,440
respect that, But that you need 
to have boundaries around that. 

720
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:40,240
And that you need to know when 
you can expect to hear from them

721
00:42:40,240 --> 00:42:42,720
next. 
And that you are more than happy

722
00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:45,240
to take the time yourself to 
process. 

723
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:49,800
And learning to value that time 
on your own is important as 

724
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:51,720
well. 
So those are some ways that you 

725
00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:54,600
can learn to approach an 
avoidant partner. 

726
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:59,160
Lean out, take about 10 to 15% 
of the emotional energy you're 

727
00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:01,400
putting into them and allocate 
it elsewhere. 

728
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:04,360
What you want to do with that is
totally up to you. 

729
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:09,240
But that will help the avoidant 
to see that there is some 

730
00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:13,760
breathing room here. 
This person is not looking at me

731
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:17,520
as their end all be all. 
They are taking better care of 

732
00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:19,480
themselves. 
They're not going to feel as 

733
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:24,240
pressured and suffocated and 
usually they'll lean in as a 

734
00:43:24,240 --> 00:43:26,640
result. 
Not always, but we're also not 

735
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:29,840
managing for that outcome. 
The only thing you can do is 

736
00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:34,040
learn to diversify yourself and 
hope that your partner will 

737
00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:38,520
follow suit and continue 
advocating to work together as a

738
00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:41,840
team to address any concerns on 
either side. 

739
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:44,680
How do I balance patience with 
my partner's healing journey 

740
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:47,120
while still honoring my own 
needs? 

741
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:51,240
Oh, this is a good one because 
this can be really, really 

742
00:43:51,240 --> 00:43:53,720
tough. 
There's a quote from Marianne 

743
00:43:53,720 --> 00:43:57,320
Williamson that I just love that
I think really hits home at 

744
00:43:57,320 --> 00:44:00,360
this. 
And she says it is our failure 

745
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:05,080
to accept people exactly as they
are that gives us pain in a 

746
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:07,320
relationship. 
It is our failure to accept 

747
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:10,880
people exactly as they are that 
gives us pain in a relationship.

748
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:15,640
Remember that other person is 
doing the best that they can. 

749
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:19,720
They cannot meet all of your 
needs and it's going to be tough

750
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:23,840
when they might be meeting a 
good amount of them or it might 

751
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:26,640
be kind of ebbing and flowing 
depending on where they're at. 

752
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:31,640
Relationships are never only 
about meeting needs and only 

753
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:35,080
about one person. 
A romantic partnership is a 

754
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:40,200
wonderful addition to our lives,
but it is just that, an 

755
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:42,480
addition. 
We have to remember that there 

756
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:47,080
are plenty of other sources of 
connection in our lives and that

757
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:51,000
we can be with someone and still
have breathability and space and

758
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:55,520
to continue negotiating. 
Relationships are an ongoing 

759
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:58,200
negotiation. 
You're going to have to 

760
00:44:58,240 --> 00:45:01,760
compromise in some way, and 
you'll have to recognize that 

761
00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:06,960
some of your needs sometimes 
might go unmet, and that is OK. 

762
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:09,080
And it's a natural part of this 
process. 

763
00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:13,280
Remember not to back down from 
things that are essential for 

764
00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:15,280
you. 
And for anxious attachors, that 

765
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:18,680
tends to be communication, 
prioritization, inclusion. 

766
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:24,520
So remind them that it's not 
about whether or not you meet 

767
00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:29,000
the need, it's how and that 
that's up for negotiation 

768
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:31,480
between the two of you. 
What are some signs that I'm 

769
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:34,840
making progress in healing my 
anxious attachment? 

770
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:40,280
I actually just recently did a 
blog post on this 9 Signs that 

771
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:42,160
You're healing and Growing More 
Secure. 

772
00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:45,800
Go to cracklift.com/signs to 
read the blog. 

773
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:49,040
But here are some just kind of 
off the top of my head. 

774
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:53,280
Some signs are you're kind of 
able to go with the flow a bit 

775
00:45:53,280 --> 00:45:56,800
more easily. 
This is a sign of nervous system

776
00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:59,040
regulation. 
You're more flexible, you're 

777
00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:01,560
more patient, you're more 
understanding. 

778
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:06,280
Other signs that you're making 
progress in growing more secure 

779
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:10,320
and healing your anxious 
attachment include laughing, 

780
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:15,520
humor and not taking things so 
seriously is a major sign of 

781
00:46:15,520 --> 00:46:17,320
healing. 
Those are just a couple, but you

782
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:19,600
can read all nine at the blog on
my site. 

783
00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:22,640
What are some tips on how to 
heal the abandonment wound and 

784
00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:25,080
how to manage when you feel such
a horrible loss from 

785
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:27,360
relationships that don't meet 
your needs? 

786
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:30,160
Well, these are related because 
your abandonment wounds are 

787
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:33,600
going to keep getting 
exacerbated if you keep bonding 

788
00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:37,880
with people that might not have 
the skills or the capability to 

789
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:41,000
be there for you in the ways 
that you really deeply need. 

790
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,800
A lot of healing. 
Abandonment means building 

791
00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:48,760
relationships with people in 
your life who are safe, with 

792
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,840
people who really get you. 
And if you need to start with a 

793
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:55,640
professional, then start there 
because they will show up for 

794
00:46:55,640 --> 00:46:59,480
you and they will be consistent 
and they will hold space for you

795
00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:03,160
in ways that other people may 
have struggled to provide to 

796
00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:04,280
you. 
I think it's also really 

797
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:07,320
important to validate the fact 
that if you go through multiple 

798
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:12,200
experiences that make you feel 
abandoned, it's only natural 

799
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:16,120
that you're going to anticipate 
that in the future and that 

800
00:47:16,120 --> 00:47:20,800
you're going to feel very, very 
low when a relationship ends. 

801
00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:24,880
Once again, in abandonment, 
please validate that for 

802
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:27,640
yourself. 
It makes sense that this is 

803
00:47:27,640 --> 00:47:31,280
going to shock you and Rock You 
to your core. 

804
00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:39,120
Remind yourself you are a 
powerful, capable adult of being

805
00:47:39,120 --> 00:47:43,320
more conscious and intentional 
in the people you allow to have 

806
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:47,480
access to you. 
Remembering that your 

807
00:47:47,480 --> 00:47:53,640
sensitivity is not for everyone 
is important, and being more 

808
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:57,320
discerning about the kinds of 
people that you allow into your 

809
00:47:57,320 --> 00:48:01,280
corner is going to be really, 
really foundational and 

810
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:04,400
transformational for you. 
All right, we're rounding to the

811
00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:06,640
final questions here. 
There's five left. 

812
00:48:07,160 --> 00:48:09,800
How do you slow pace a 
relationship and at the same 

813
00:48:09,800 --> 00:48:11,560
time feel comfortable moving 
slow? 

814
00:48:12,600 --> 00:48:16,160
This is interesting because it 
implies that you should feel 

815
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:19,360
comfortable and many anxious 
attachers will not feel 

816
00:48:19,360 --> 00:48:21,680
comfortable going slow in a 
relationship. 

817
00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:27,280
A lot of this is learning to be 
better bound Read in Early 

818
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:30,480
Stages of dating. 
I'm going to dedicate an entire 

819
00:48:30,480 --> 00:48:33,560
episode to talking about a 
couple of different relationship

820
00:48:33,560 --> 00:48:36,760
models that anxious attachers 
can use when dating. 

821
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:40,520
But for now, just know that 
taking your time and building 

822
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:44,320
something sustainable is going 
to feel very different from the 

823
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:49,400
codependent and meshed pedestal 
based connections that you've 

824
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:53,160
had in the past. 
But it feeling different is 

825
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:55,480
actually a good thing. 
So you're going to have to learn

826
00:48:55,880 --> 00:48:58,280
to be comfortable with the 
discomfort. 

827
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:02,640
You're going to have to learn 
that stability is going to come 

828
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:07,760
across as being mundane and 
boring and lacking in 

829
00:49:07,760 --> 00:49:10,560
excitement. 
But the goal of relationships is

830
00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:14,120
not to be excited. 
It's to feel safe and to have 

831
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:16,440
stability. 
Especially for folks like us who

832
00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:18,880
have been through abandonment 
and trauma and who have been 

833
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,320
through our fair share of 
codependent dynamics. 

834
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:25,760
So slowly pacing yourself and 
feeling comfortable are probably

835
00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:27,800
not going to go hand in hand for
you. 

836
00:49:27,920 --> 00:49:30,800
The only way that you learn to 
be more comfortable? 

837
00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:35,280
Pacing yourself while dating is 
by going through the motions 

838
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:39,240
your brain and your nervous 
system learn through repetition.

839
00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:42,720
That's how they learned to seek 
out enmeshment and intensity, 

840
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:46,480
and it is what will cause you to
unlearn it and replace it with 

841
00:49:46,480 --> 00:49:50,600
new patterns, new conditioning, 
and new wiring in your brain. 

842
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:52,760
How do you find peace with being
alone? 

843
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:57,600
This is such an important part 
of healing anxious attachment 

844
00:49:57,840 --> 00:50:01,240
because so much of our energy 
tends to go external and not 

845
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:04,320
internal. 
We're very imbalanced in this 

846
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:07,400
way. 
But remember, time and space 

847
00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:10,200
apart are really healthy things 
in a relationship. 

848
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:14,600
And for many of us as anxious 
attachers, we know this In our 

849
00:50:14,600 --> 00:50:17,800
friendships and other 
relationships, like with 

850
00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:21,120
colleagues or with family, we 
let things breathe. 

851
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:24,480
Sometimes we can go months or 
maybe even years without 

852
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:26,680
speaking to certain people in 
our lives, and then we pick 

853
00:50:26,680 --> 00:50:31,040
right back up where we left off.
What that shows us is that space

854
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:34,720
and time apart are not a threat.
They're actually an important 

855
00:50:34,720 --> 00:50:37,640
part of having healthy 
connections with other people. 

856
00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:41,880
Learning to value your own time 
is going to be a process, and 

857
00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:44,320
it's not going to be super 
pleasant at first if you're at 

858
00:50:44,320 --> 00:50:47,400
the beginning of that process. 
Being alone is going to be very 

859
00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:50,480
uncomfortable at first because 
it can bring up feelings of 

860
00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:53,720
rejection and abandonment. 
Because for many of us, they've 

861
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:57,360
come to mean the same thing, 
that being alone means being 

862
00:50:57,360 --> 00:50:59,880
abandoned. 
But this is actually the 

863
00:50:59,880 --> 00:51:04,520
opportunity for you to listen to
your body, to cultivate a better

864
00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:07,000
relationship with your nervous 
system and with your inner 

865
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:12,760
child, to practice self-care. 
So that time is incredibly 

866
00:51:12,760 --> 00:51:16,320
valuable. 
So you might even be excited in 

867
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:20,200
hearing me talk about this 
because you might not realize 

868
00:51:20,240 --> 00:51:23,800
how much you can do with that 
time when you're not just 

869
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:26,600
dedicating it to other people in
your life. 

870
00:51:26,680 --> 00:51:30,120
How to heal the abandonment 
wounds so that if or when you 

871
00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:32,880
get into a relationship with a 
fearful avoidant or dismissive 

872
00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:34,880
avoidant, you don't freak out 
when they pull away. 

873
00:51:35,280 --> 00:51:39,120
How to be secure in yourself and
alone time to not want or need 

874
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:42,040
them so badly. 
First of all, it's OK to want 

875
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:45,800
and need other people. 
It is OK to freak out when other

876
00:51:45,800 --> 00:51:49,520
people pull away. 
But they are not responsible for

877
00:51:49,520 --> 00:51:54,520
managing your reactions. 
So it is important to cultivate 

878
00:51:54,520 --> 00:51:57,960
a healthier relationship with 
yourself and your body and to 

879
00:51:57,960 --> 00:52:02,400
address your core wounds and 
experiences that happened from 

880
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:05,760
the past and allow for the 
expression of some of those 

881
00:52:05,760 --> 00:52:08,200
feelings. 
You can let this out in therapy.

882
00:52:08,200 --> 00:52:11,280
I do this work with my coaching 
clients all the time. 

883
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:15,000
But you've got to give movement 
to the feelings in the past that

884
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:19,360
you didn't have held for you. 
It is also important to validate

885
00:52:19,360 --> 00:52:21,800
yourself. 
Why are you implying that you 

886
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:25,120
should not be scared when 
someone pulls away? 

887
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:29,240
Of course you're going to be. 
Don't beat yourself up for your 

888
00:52:29,240 --> 00:52:32,080
reactions because that only 
exacerbates the emotional 

889
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:34,520
experience. 
It is a form of self 

890
00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:38,120
invalidation. 
Remind yourself it is OK. 

891
00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:39,720
I'm a little freaked out right 
now. 

892
00:52:39,720 --> 00:52:41,280
I haven't heard from them in a 
little bit. 

893
00:52:41,280 --> 00:52:44,000
This is really scary to me. 
But I'm going to call my friend 

894
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:47,560
and I'm going to go for a walk 
and I'm going to remind myself 

895
00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:51,280
that I cannot and should not try
to control what other people do 

896
00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:54,760
or not do. 
That I can advocate for myself, 

897
00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:58,480
that my time is incredibly 
valuable for me. 

898
00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:03,000
It really is. 
Being secure in yourself Being 

899
00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:08,520
means being willing to recognize
that what you are feeling is 

900
00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:12,440
valid, but that your behavior as
a result is not always valid. 

901
00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:15,200
So if you're freaking out and 
then projecting all of your 

902
00:53:15,200 --> 00:53:18,480
feelings onto your partner, that
is likely going to push them 

903
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:20,640
away. 
Especially if they're fearful 

904
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:25,160
avoidant or dismissive avoidant.
Learn to be with that 

905
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:26,800
discomfort. 
Babe, please. 

906
00:53:26,920 --> 00:53:31,840
I know it's tough, but this is a
big part of healing, leaning on 

907
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:35,520
the people who are safe for you 
outside of your relationship. 

908
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:39,960
Cultivating your safety squad is
really going to be essential. 

909
00:53:39,960 --> 00:53:44,040
We have to learn to let other 
people pull away. 

910
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:48,720
It doesn't mean that you need to
force yourself to be OK with it,

911
00:53:48,800 --> 00:53:53,200
but you have to recognize you 
cannot make anyone do anything. 

912
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:56,840
You can talk to them about any 
boundaries that need to be set 

913
00:53:56,840 --> 00:54:01,400
around the pulling away or 
around the space and time apart.

914
00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:05,520
Those negotiations are probably 
going to need to happen during a

915
00:54:05,520 --> 00:54:10,600
stable, peaceful time when you 
come back together, but they can

916
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:15,320
and should happen either way. 
You've got to also advocate for 

917
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:19,400
yourself, and in so doing, 
you'll get the clarity that you 

918
00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:20,960
need. 
All right, final two questions 

919
00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:22,800
here. 
Is anxious avoidant a really bad

920
00:54:22,800 --> 00:54:24,880
combo? 
I keep attracting and being 

921
00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:27,480
attracted to emotionally 
unavailable people. 

922
00:54:27,480 --> 00:54:30,360
How do you break this cycle? 
I would really love to know a 

923
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:32,880
way to set some boundaries for 
myself so I don't get hurt this 

924
00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:36,280
much again in the future. 
First of all, any attachment 

925
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:40,120
pairing can work. 
Some are harder than others. 

926
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:42,560
The anxious avoidant combo is 
really tough. 

927
00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:46,920
I'm dedicating at least one, but
probably multiple episodes of 

928
00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:50,640
the podcast to this coming up. 
It is not a bad combo per SE, 

929
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:53,040
but it can be triggering to both
people involved. 

930
00:54:53,320 --> 00:54:57,920
And that is because the anxious 
and avoidant attachers needs are

931
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:01,800
directly opposite of one 
another's. 

932
00:55:02,640 --> 00:55:05,640
Their core beliefs are confirmed
in that dynamic. 

933
00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:08,040
I also remind people all the 
time, it's not that you're 

934
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:11,240
attracting emotionally 
unavailable people, it's that 

935
00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:14,880
you're allowing them to stay. 
This is why in my coaching 

936
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:19,560
program I don't have exercises 
on red flags or green flags. 

937
00:55:19,800 --> 00:55:23,600
Because we know what red flags 
and green flags are, we just 

938
00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:26,400
ignore them. 
You have to learn to pay 

939
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:30,840
attention early on and to 
recognize that not all avoidance

940
00:55:30,840 --> 00:55:34,360
are made equal. 
Not all anxious people are the 

941
00:55:34,360 --> 00:55:37,600
same. 
Look at the person and not the 

942
00:55:37,600 --> 00:55:39,600
label. 
What work have they done on 

943
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:43,200
themselves? 
How have they addressed their 

944
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:46,960
wounds or worked through their 
previous heart breaks? 

945
00:55:46,960 --> 00:55:50,360
Setting boundaries for yourself 
might mean learning to take your

946
00:55:50,360 --> 00:55:53,000
time. 
Not rushing to enmesh, not 

947
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:57,720
rushing to physical intimacy, to
setting a certain time limit for

948
00:55:57,720 --> 00:56:03,720
dates, to not saying every 
little thought or feeling that 

949
00:56:03,720 --> 00:56:06,560
crosses your mind or that you 
experience early on. 

950
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:11,120
The way to break this cycle of 
dating emotionally unavailable 

951
00:56:11,120 --> 00:56:15,400
people is to recognize that you 
yourself have been emotionally 

952
00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:18,680
unavailable because you've 
tolerated things that you know 

953
00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:22,560
emotionally available people 
would not tolerate. 

954
00:56:22,800 --> 00:56:25,480
Someone who's really ready for a
relationship is not going to 

955
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:30,760
tolerate mixed signals, wishy 
washy behavior, people who are 

956
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:35,600
uncertain or not really clear 
about what they want, people who

957
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:37,920
aren't consistent in their 
communication. 

958
00:56:38,200 --> 00:56:39,760
You're not going to tolerate 
that. 

959
00:56:40,000 --> 00:56:43,920
So the key here is for you to 
become emotionally available, 

960
00:56:43,920 --> 00:56:47,920
for you to work to grow more 
secure to a point where you 

961
00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:51,480
recognize you have certain 
relationship needs and you're 

962
00:56:51,480 --> 00:56:54,920
going to need to be more 
discerning and more specific 

963
00:56:55,280 --> 00:57:00,040
about what you want and not just
accept being chosen by somebody 

964
00:57:00,040 --> 00:57:02,640
else. 
Last question for today, when is

965
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:05,960
a relationship over or bad 
enough to leave? 

966
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:11,280
If after multiple times of 
advocating for yourself and 

967
00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:16,160
being met with invalidation, 
inconsistent behavior, with 

968
00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:19,520
dismissiveness, at some point 
you have to ask yourself why am 

969
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:22,040
I staying? 
You might need to give yourself 

970
00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:26,720
permission to leave first. 
In my experience, the opposite 

971
00:57:26,720 --> 00:57:31,440
of love is not hate or 
frustration or disappointment or

972
00:57:31,440 --> 00:57:34,880
sadness. 
All of those emotions contain a 

973
00:57:34,880 --> 00:57:39,640
high degree of energy. 
The opposite of love is actually

974
00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:42,760
apathy. 
If you're met with apathy with 

975
00:57:42,760 --> 00:57:47,440
someone who just does not seem 
to care or does not seem to have

976
00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:53,320
the capacity to hold space for 
you to have the fuel in the tank

977
00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:58,720
to address things as a team, 
then that is a clear sign that 

978
00:57:58,720 --> 00:58:01,720
you should leave. 
If after multiple, multiple 

979
00:58:01,720 --> 00:58:05,680
times of trying to work together
and address things, you feel 

980
00:58:05,680 --> 00:58:08,560
like you're the one that's 
always advocating for the 

981
00:58:08,560 --> 00:58:11,200
relationship, you're the one 
that's always pushing it 

982
00:58:11,200 --> 00:58:16,120
forward, Yeah, that's probably a
sign that you might not be in 

983
00:58:16,120 --> 00:58:20,440
the relationship that you need 
to be in, that that person might

984
00:58:20,440 --> 00:58:24,120
not be the person for you. 
I hope that the answers to these

985
00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:27,840
questions were really helpful 
for you, and I'm excited to 

986
00:58:27,840 --> 00:58:31,040
share my very first interview 
with you soon. 

987
00:58:31,040 --> 00:58:35,720
I've got 2 interviews lined up 
with my two very first guests on

988
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:37,960
the show. 
Can't wait to share those 

989
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:40,640
episodes with you. 
We're going to resume talking 

990
00:58:40,640 --> 00:58:44,640
about the cycle of anxious 
attachment and the steps of 

991
00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:48,680
nervous system dysregulation and
regulation, stress, aversion, 

992
00:58:48,680 --> 00:58:51,680
and addiction. 
In future episodes, we're going 

993
00:58:51,680 --> 00:58:53,800
to be talking about breakups, 
the anxious avoidant 

994
00:58:53,800 --> 00:58:58,120
relationship, and I can't wait 
to share more with you soon. 

995
00:58:58,680 --> 00:59:02,560
For those who are interested in 
exploring more content from me, 

996
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:06,880
go to cracklift.com for blog 
posts and go to cracklift.com 

997
00:59:07,120 --> 00:59:10,920
Coaching to explore my coaching 
program and set up a free 

998
00:59:10,920 --> 00:59:14,960
consultation with me. 
That's Crack life with 2F's 

999
00:59:14,960 --> 00:59:20,840
CRACKL iffe.com coaching.