Hey everybody, and welcome to the latest episode of Ball Boys.
We are the tennis podcast you always needed and the podcast
you never knew you wanted. It's time for another riveting
romp around the tennis tours with me, Paul Monkhom.
And as always, I'm joined by my favorite ball boy, Billy Hanson.
Hi, Billy. Paul, how are you?
So good to see you. So good to see you.
Even though your your background is blurred.
So you're you're hiding something, but it's great to see
you too. Well, I am in your condo, so I'm
hiding something in in plain sight, let's be honest.
Usually people, they'll blur their background on a zoom when
they don't feel to see their home.
But you're literally in my home blurring the background like and
it's that's suss as the kids say, that's that's high suss.
See, I just leave it all out there.
I'm never going to blur my background.
I've never once blurred my background.
Although recently I was on a call and I've got this little
hand statue that is of fingers crossed and it's on the Mantel
piece of my little fireplace that's in the zoom background.
That's sweet. A friend of mine, he was like,
yeah, I love your I love your. He's a straight guy.
He's like, yeah, that's cool statue dude.
It's like a flipping us all off and he's like, oh I was like,
wait, what? And he's like, yeah, it's a
middle finger. So.
So apparently I've had zoom calls for a couple months now
with some clients where it looks like I have a statue saying you
know FU, which is not incorrect. No.
And there, there's that one malleable statue.
It's like a like a. The thing you'd get in the
museum store, I have one myself and you can alter the fingers so
you can make it a piece sign, you can make it a like hang 10
sign, You can make it an FU kind of depending on your state of
mind. So you just got to check what
the fingers are doing before you get on that zoom.
Wait, is, is that the thing that it's like all the different
little needles that you can kind of like shove your face into it
and take the mold of your face? Or do you know what I'm talking
about? I do know what you're talking
about, but I don't think that's the same.
That's not what you're talking about.
I support. That in the back of your Zoom
meetings? No, I used to be obsessed.
I mean, this is the first time I've thought about those little
toys since my probably high school years, but I used to love
making impressions of every part of my body with that.
Yeah, I was going to ask like, which like your you said your
face, but I immediately thought like, OK, come on.
Come on, who am I kidding? And was there room is my
question. I feel like you needed an Excel
version of that toy in order to get all the imprints you wanted.
I you know, who knows? Well, it's been a few weeks, so
we haven't had a show since Wimbledon.
I'm still lizing myself from from Wimbledon and coming down.
Lizing yourself, do you not remember from 30?
So half my quotes on here are going to be from 30 Rock, even
though that show's been cancelled.
But she Liz lemons like lizing herself.
And I just, you know, I Liz all over Wimbledon.
I couldn't have been happier about the results on the men's
side, at least the women's side, not so much.
Name quickly Who won the women's title?
Yeah, Marketa, Von Drew, Stova. Yeah, I thought it was.
Or Von Drew Stova or yeah, you know what?
A hero can't wait to never see her win another title.
Oh, come on. She's not going to do it.
She's done. She's one and done.
You know, I'm going to agree with you.
I think she's not going to win another Slam.
Yeah, good for her. Have a nice life, but have you?
Have you come down? What have you been up to the
last few weeks? Well, I mean, we talked about
just the energy in the air in Los Angeles after that Wimbledon
fight. I'm a little worried because
I've seen a lot of people coughing around me.
A lot of, like, coughing and sneezing, and I'm like, OK, And
then like, one person I was with playing tennis with, actually
last night was like, Oh yeah, my friend has COVID.
But. You know, it's fine.
And I was like, therefore I was handling our shared balls a
little bit more carefully. And normally you're not careful
at all with handling balls. No.
And I also know that you fit to the mouth.
I will say that wastewater tests show that COVID is up.
Yeah, yeah, we. That's exciting.
Summer surge Y'all no people are.
I mean, look, I I flew all I flew around the world and I I I,
I I can't kick this, COVID was. That at least a Stans Stanfield
reference. Is that her name?
I, I, I, I been around the world and oh, we don't have the rights
to that. But you know, today I, as you
know, I love a a Berry's class. She loves berries.
I do. And it happened to be Ass and
Abs Day, you know? I got there.
I feel like every class at Barry's is just called ass and
abs. Like do they have any other
classes? It's that's it's there's always
Paul, and it's mostly women. Mostly tops.
So over those two groups, which one are you?
I'm an. Outlier, I feel again.
I feel like I did. You're the luckiest girl in
school. So across the street from
Barry's on Las Standing and Holloway.
Cuz I know you wanna situate yourself.
It's a CVS and I was like, you know, I actually got here early
for once in my life. So I'm going to pop over CVS and
get some stuff I need like some contact solution, some FLOSS
picks, FLOSS and yeah like is that like whole picks?
You know, whole picks. Let's let's say, say that for
the end of the episode, because, oh, like, little floss picks.
Gotcha. Gotcha.
Yeah, Yeah. Anyway, sorry you were at CVS.
I was at CVS and I noticed there was an aisle that's labeled
laxatives and I was like, OK work, but in the front of the
aisle was a, I'm not kidding, a full display of enemas.
It was like we're not just going to keep the enemas on the bottom
shelf in the middle of the aisle.
We are going to have a full display.
It was like compare the ingredients of the fleet version
to the CVS, you know, name, whatever.
And by the way, what are there is a test?
There was this whole wall of enemas.
A wall? Holes or a hole?
What do you mean a whole wall, like where you put your hole?
There was a glory hole in the center, but tasteful.
All these enemas, flashing lights and I was like, oh, you
signed me out. I think it's, I think it's
spillover from, you know, you never really want to talk about
an enema and spillover, but I think it's spillover from the
just jubilation after Wimbledon. I mean, yeah And or it's people
prepping for ASS and ABS class, you know, like it's you're not
going to go to ASS and ABS class full, right.
So get a quick fleet and there you go.
So how many did you so so did you end up missing class because
you had to buy all the enemas? I went to class, I grabbed a
Celsius, you know, like one of those energy drinks, basically a
Red Bull. But they market it as like
healthy, like good for like working out like and I.
Brock was my instructor. See I can.
I can't have a Celsius because I don't I I only know Fahrenheit.
I can do. I can do the math.
I can do convert for you if you want, I've I've been asking you
to convert for me for years. Brock was my instructor.
Love Brock. That's.
Not a Brock. No to say Brock Brock in West
Hollywood at Barry's. I I think Brock said the word
iconic 68 times during the course of the class.
He was like, yes, that's iconic. Oh yeah, those glute bridges
iconic. And then when he was describing,
we were doing 1 legged deadlifts, right?
So like you, you're focusing on your right leg and your left leg
is just barely supporting you. Kind of like a kickstand on a
bike, right? And he was like, so like your
right leg, that's like Margot Robbie the lead character in
Barbie, and your left leg is like Ryan Gosling, the
supporting character. And he said that I I think 6
times, but I didn't. I was happy with every single
mention. Wow.
I'm surprised he didn't fight you for the last fleet, but
congratulations on that, Brock. Let's just say that that fleet
wall is cleared. It needs to be restocked.
Well, you have to use it until it goes clear, is what they say.
So I'm glad it was cleared. Well, I'm just, you know, glad
that we're back to talk about some tennis, you know?
It's been because the tennis over the past couple weeks has
been a real, you know, a little forgettable.
Yeah. Well, that's why there's not
even a shriek meter this week because honestly, like, yeah,
so, so we are definitely in the section of the season.
It's not even the Michelle era of Destiny's Child.
We are in the era of those two girls who are booted out of
Destiny's Child after no, no, no, no, no in the 90s.
No, no, no, no. We are at the bottoms bottom
portion of the tour of the both the WTA and the ATP.
I mean, honestly, who really gives a crap about tournaments
after Wimbledon? Or like, oh Congrats Michaelson,
you got to the final of Newport. Or like look at the winners of
the WTA recently, like Kochiereto beats Burrell and
Lucan or Ruse beats Noha Akugu in Hamburg.
I mean, it's literally a veritable like who's who, You
know? It's like who.
It's absolutely Jackson Pollock splatter paint.
Like there are tournaments on clay, hard grass, every
continent. I mean, it's just a points grab
shit show. And yeah, it's it's really hard
for me to care. Yeah, same.
No. And that.
And that's why today, listen, dear listeners, we are not going
to make you suffer through a play by play round by round
recap of Umagh. You know, just know that it was
in Croatia, it was incredibly humid and Stanford Brinker cried
at the end of it. But it's just, it's not give me
the focus of our show today. In honor of the bottom of the
season, we are going to be celebrating bottoms of tennis
and the top bottoms of the year so far.
Now, Billy, I know that this is a foreign concept to you.
Really. Sure, what a bottom is or what
they do or you know, how they act or any of that.
And so we're going to break it down.
Well, as you know, I'm an intellectually curious person.
And so if there's something I don't understand or don't know
about, I'm open to learning. And so this might be an
opportunity for me to understand what bottoming is, what being a
bottom is and what bottoming behavior is.
You are a regular Nick. Curious cuz you're just your
curiosity is just I admire it so much.
Oh, but Nick, that tweet. Come on, I mean.
Yeah, Daria, Kazakina said. Hey, I'm not sure we should
like, have a tour funded by Saudi Arabia because, like, I
don't know how comfortable a lot of players would feel over
there. And Nick?
Curious was like my girlfriend felt comfortable when we were
there. Yeah, exactly.
And it's like you both Is your girlfriend a Russian lesbian?
It it's always so funny when when someone expresses, rightly
so, an opinion about something that makes them feel
uncomfortable and and people don't know how to react to other
people's experiences of the world, like, Oh well, that's not
my experience. So I'm just going to say to you,
I'm going to invalidate your feelings and say to you, well, I
think it's fine like, dude, yeah, I mean it's interesting
because like the, so the DC open for I think the first time is
this year where they are, they are sort of cobranded.
It's no longer just the city open, you know, a nice homegrown
American bank, but it's also now the Mubadala Investment Company,
which is an Emirates stateowned holding company that acts as a
sovereign wealth fund. I don't know what that means but
basically it's it's it's not exactly promoting a equal and
open and diverse lifestyle and so suddenly that's that's now
the the headline sponsor of the city open.
The the Mubadala city open. Anyway, back to bottoms, the
importance. Yeah, bottoms and bottoming, so.
Let's let's focus, yeah. And and look, we are famously
versatile here at the ball boys. You know we we're going to take
a broad look at, we're going to take a wide angle.
We're going to look at, you know, the ins and outs of all
this. And so, you know, there's a
difference between being a bottom and being bottomy.
And the Tour, both on the women's side and the men's side,
it's full of both. It's full of just straight up
bottoms and people who just act kind of bottom me, yeah.
And so. And I would say being a bottom
can be a wonderful, beautiful, powerful thing.
Being a bottom can also be a sad, desperate, sloppy thing.
And being bottom me similarly has a lot of different
definitions exactly we're going to.
Explore the range and honestly, we're going to celebrate all
them. Like look, there's no bottom
shaming here. Look, if someone, if someone on
this zoom just loves to be bottoming, like raise your hand.
Oh Oh my God, Billy. Paul, you just raised your legs.
Paul Well, after my visit to CVS in my Barry's class, there was
some new product. I don't know, I pulled it out of
the package. I was like, what's what's this?
I I wound up in a. Handstand for about 30 minutes
and I feel, I feel ready to rumble tonight.
Well, no, I mean, you actually came into my apartment walking
on your hands like you are. You are committed to the gig and
and that's that's part of being a bottom, you know?
Yeah, hard work. It is lots of prep.
Yeah, it is meal prep. It is being on a restrictive
diet. It is making sacrifices to
perform. Yeah, that is straight up
bottoming. But then there are other types
of bottoms. There's more reluctant bottoms
because of the person who is just so dominant.
It's like okay, fine. And then there's lazy bottoms
who just don't put in the effort.
There's power bottoms who will just overpower anyone that they
are facing. You know, they're those muscle
bottoms who are just, you know, they have the glamour muscles.
I I I don't know Brock, but I'm gonna put him in that category.
Yeah, yeah, I mean he, he can wear a lot of hats.
Yeah. And I mean that Brock in the
best way. Brock or Barack?
Barack. And you know, there was this
woman named Michelle in in classrooms.
Like, why does she look so For work, famously bottoms.
August Barako bottom He's Irish. He's an Irish bottom.
Baraka's. Gonna catch on Baraka Bottom
Yeah, yeah, I do think August is also a bottoming month.
Because. Because it's like, we've got
like one more month of summer. Like let's write it out, let's
milk it, let's milk that month for all it's worth.
You know what I mean like. We've got padam, padam, we've
got Rushed by Troy Sevonne songs of the summer that are really
trying to keep keep us messy and you know just confused and.
Unconfused and open minded look, the only the only song, the only
rush song that I love is is Paula Abdul.
Rush, Rush. I mean that's that's my song in
the summer. I do love a Paula Abdul moment.
Like straight up anytime vibology.
Oh, Paul, No. Come on straight.
Straight up, cold, hard for your girl.
Opposites attract. I mean, I know them all.
I was a big Paula fan, I mean. Well, there's nothing like an
animated cat. Adult non animated woman
romance. Yeah.
You're in love. Yeah.
No. Have you ever listened to like
the vibology lyrics though? It's just.
Have not. I'm in a funky way.
Like, it's just it's so and it's
so bad and so good. Like and I just honestly, I
minored in Vibology at Cornell. What have been like?
So the we've talked about this is just, it's been a bottomy few
weeks. Bottomy few weeks, yeah.
Can you give me some examples, Paul?
Yeah, yeah. And maybe this will help people
understand what we mean by like bottoms and bottomy and tennis.
Yeah. Because we have such a clear
idea. Clear.
It's crystal clear. Well, I mean, so we've talked a
lot about and just before we get into some of the examples like
we've talked about how like gays love tennis.
One of the things that we've sort of noticed is the the
outfits that the players are are wearing have kind of evolved
lately and it's been a little more risque, if you will, on the
men's side, you know, more, more tank tops and crop tops and
short shorts and you mean you were talking about about our our
buddy Ben Shelton, right? Oh, Ben Shelton's outfit was
almost like if those shorts were any shorter, we would be seeing
scrotum and if that tank top was any sneaker, we would be seeing
nipple. It was like that and that was
like are we are we gay baiting? Are we teasing?
You know, but but in innocent way, cuz I feel like Ben
Shelton's lovely but I feel like he's maybe of a generation where
it's like. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Every. Everybody can lust after me.
And I'm not going to be worried about.
I'm going to embrace all of the affection.
These kids today, like, I feel like they all just kind of like
make it. I mean, all the American men on
socials are like fully gay, baiting each other and like hey,
you go should Coos and like, you know, Riley and Fritz and my
husband and Tiafo. Like they all are very your
husband Tommy Paul, aka Paul Paul.
Paul, yes, he's telling me.
Paul, you're Paul Moncombe. You both took each other's
names. You're both Paul, Paul just I
know listeners you've heard this, but I just in case you
need to refresher. Well, my legal name now is Paul.
Paul. So yeah, send send all the
wedding gifts to Paul Paul. And yeah, no, I mean his shorts.
I'm not even gonna say it the other way, but like, yeah, if
his shorts were any shorter, like you would have seen nipple.
Like it was just like that short.
And honestly, I love it. Like look, people are like, oh,
like, no, no, no, Like, don't gay bait.
Like, no, please continue. Like ATP continue to gay bait
and WTA also continue to gay bait.
Like I I'm, you know call me a carp because I am here to eat
all of that bait back to the bottom part of the season.
So yeah, we are, we are. It's just been bottom central on
the tour lately. So like.
Biggest One of the one of the bigger bottoms on the men's
side, Casper Rude has been bagel back-to-back losses he lost in
the final to what's his name Rublev.
You know respectable first set second set.
Blown out six love. Then he lost in the quarters of
Hamburg again bagels. It's like dude, like that is
just that's some real bottom behavior like to get to be in
the top five and get bagels. Especially in 250 events that
are your bread and butter, especially to people who are
ranked well below you. I mean, Rubelev's great, but
like, you know, yeah, Rubelev I would say is ranked pretty much
equivalent. Yeah, it's kind of parody, but
it's just like, come on, who gets big?
Like, that's just bottom me. That is just like, you know,
kids. Like, I get it like we're all a
little tired, all crabby. It's like been a long season and
so like maybe like maybe it's just like bottom me or like.
Okay another tournament Hugo guest on who's just kind of
always been like a questionable sport.
His sportsmanship has been a little lacking.
He actually retired on match point so he was down in the
third set 5225 and he was down love 40 and or sorry 40 love
because he was returning and instead of returning instead of
just finishing the match he retired with triple, triple
match point. That is big bottom energy.
That is like, I don't care. I'm kind of selfish.
I'm going to do what I want. It's just it's it's bottom me
and like the whole the whole like sort of like you said, you
know, after Wimbledon, OK, now it's going to be a clay court
over here and now it's going to be a hard court over there and
now it's grass over there. It's just like wait, get get.
It's like chaotic. It's it's chaotic energy.
I mean, Gaston, First of all, I feel like it was like, Oh my
gosh, like, like this has been like we've been going at it for
so long and then it gets to right where the match is about
to climax, right where he's about to lose and he's like, it
hurts. Yeah.
No, stop. Yeah, come on.
And I agree. I mean, I also wonder a little
bit. OK, most of you didn't make it
to the final or the semis of Wimbledon, right?
So you lost are. You talking about me middle of
the week? Yeah, you lost.
Middle of the week, you and Tommy and double s and what an
opportunity. You go back to your training
base, you take a 3-4 week block between whenever you lose in
Wimbledon and the start of the hardcourt season and you work on
something that maybe is lacking in your game.
For example, I saw Andre Eva, you know, she was playing on
clay last week. This is Mira Andre Eva, She's
that 16 year old phenom. She she really is a phenom.
She's really good. But I mean when you're 16, come
on, you obviously have opportunities to improve in your
game and maybe don't play her, maybe don't play a tournament
that week, maybe beef up that serve, maybe work on your
movement, maybe work on some some strength training.
I just kind of wonder about players choices who are playing
these these tournaments, who are that are spread all over the
globe. Well, people do love to play
their home country. Like, you know, EGA had to play.
Or saw like it was like, of course she's going to play
again, total bottom results where she just demolished
everybody. But like, whatever.
She's a, she's a she's a big top, Iga.
Big, Yeah. I agree.
And it's like there is not really an offseason in tennis
except for basically the the end of December and that's it.
So this is a mini offseason. So yeah, like, let's let's all
take a collective break a beat and like.
Not like kind of pushing your way through and just like no, no
more, more, more Again, big bottom energy.
It's like just give me, give me that, I'm going to like oink up,
you know, a couple points here and there.
Well, let's let's talk a little bit more about like any other
bottomy stuff we want to talk about that's happening in the
last couple weeks. I just want to give a quick
shout out to Spitalina, Elena, Spitalina because I feel like
her game was pretty bottomy pre baby and she has come back and
she is topping everybody. So she's like, so she's a bottom
who became a top? Yes.
You don't see that too often. You kind of see usually.
Yeah, I know. Yeah.
Do you think it's it's it's
being married to Malfeast? Do you think it's being
motherhood? Do you think it's the ravages of
war? What do you think has?
Yeah, I mean I you know topping requires a level of perspective,
a certain amount of patience, a a leadership quality a a drive
and determination and ability to rally the troops ability to.
Put up with a lot of like, screaming babies.
I mean, so I think that just like, yeah, all of those things.
I think it's all of those things.
I think it's the ravages of war and the ravages of motherhood
have turned her into, you know, a pretty solid top because yeah,
she is. She's topping her way through
the tour and and I'm I'm impressed because she was a
bottom, yeah. And that doesn't mean that being
a top is better than being a bottom.
It's just for Spitalina right now that's impressive.
Yeah, yeah. No, look, we're not shaming
bottoms or tops. We're actually shaming
everybody. Like look, that's what we do on
this show. We're going to make fun of
everybody. We're going to make fun of tops,
bottoms and Billy and that's just, that's what we do here.
So yeah. And yeah, and I think also you
know you're bringing up. So Spitalina is playing really
well, FTC at the Muvidella Open or whatever it's called.
And I I do think that we are emerging out of the bottom era
of of this sort of mini break, which is great.
And and and we're about to hit like the real hardcourt swaying
where it's just the the exotic worlds of Cincinnati and
Toronto. It's just, I mean, I can't
imagine anywhere I'd like to go more than Cincinnati in August.
Roller coasters, though. Do they have roller coasters?
Yeah, There's this big amusement park right near the tournament
site and that's one of like the the selling points.
It's like the players come and you know after they they play
their match they go over to whatever it's called.
It's like a Six Flags and they you know spin around in 18 loops
and and and wow, defy gravity And some of them love it.
Some of them don't. I'm gonna tell you the last time
I rode 11OK, so I don't love Vegas.
And is this a euphemism? It's a euphemism.
What's the last time you rode 1? Yeah, well, aside from Ask class
with Brock, I was in Vegas. New York, NY has a roller
coaster. It's probably not the most, you
know, frightening roller coaster of all time.
But when you take it and you're up looking down on Trump Tower
and Luxor and Circus Circus and the Bellagio and everything else
Las Vegas has to offer and also. So romantic hearing for your
life. That's bottoming.
I'm just going to say I recommend if you like roller
coasters at all, I recommend that roller coaster.
All right. Well, and that was not
sponsored. So that's just the last roller
coaster. We do have a sponsor for this
episode, right? We do have a sponsor, yes.
Yeah, we're going to take a quick break and be back in a
little bit, but. Before we do, we just have a
word from our latest sponsor, Fritz's fleets.
So this is not what Billy saw at CVS, but this is Fritz's fleets.
Take it to the limit, with Fritz's fleets ribbed for his
pleasure, never spit the bed again on or off the court thanks
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done. That's Fritz's fleets.
And we'll be right back to probe deeper in the topic of bottoms
and bottomy and the world of tennis.
Now, Billy, I want that water to run clear when we're back.
All right, welcome back everybody.
We are ready to go on to the next segment.
Billy has successfully cleared the water.
Congratulations, Billy. And now we can finally play the
game. Pin the tail on the bottom.
Sorry Paul, that that took a few hours.
Yeah, we we speed up. This was a this was a time lapse
and it is now well past midnight.
But we're ready to play the game.
The water's clear. The water was what you wanted.
The water's great. Come on in.
Is that, is that, is that what they say?
I think that's what Jaws said. Notoriously not a bottom.
Jaws was a top. Jaws definitely was a like kind
of the top you don't want to meet.
Like, oh, Toxic Top, Yeah. Shark Week?
No thanks. I'm good.
Yeah. Yeah.
No toxic toxic shark syndrome. I've had that.
And it's just like, girl don't date him.
No, no. I think we were talking earlier
about my friend Willie Bamson. He's like a good friend of mine.
Oh, yeah. Oh, Willie.
Willie Bamson. Yeah, yeah, he's been the I I I
consulted with him a lot before recording this episode because I
just wanted to understand his experience as he's a he's a he's
a bottom. I mean he he is a confident
bottom and so. Billy Hanson's best friend,
Willie Bamson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so.
You guys look so much alike. No, I mean, honestly, yeah,
we're we're twinning. He's told me about some of his
experiences as a as a bottom, so I'm just trying to relay them.
Thank God the water is finally clear cuz now we can play pin
the tail on the bottom. But waiting to play this all
night it's it's just like your favorite night at the eagle.
So pin the tail on the bottom. What we're going to do is we're
basically going to. Talk about a topic, a sort of
bottomy or bottoms topic and we are going to decide who fits
that. You know what is, what is the
right answer. And Billy and I have to agree on
that. And Billy and I if nothing
agree. And so Paul, I thought this was
going to be a short episode. We have to agree on these.
Yeah, it's only been hours. So how much longer do I have to
be here? Well look, I've got sweet green
coming. I ordered a bottom friendly meal
that neither one of us is going to eat so we can then go out
after this. Yeah, we're meeting up with
Willie Bamson and 30 minutes at the Eagle.
And and and mall shunk home. You know my good girlfriend.
Mall. Mall Flanders Yeah, he's a real
good time. She's a hoot.
She's what we call a tornado. What a bottom.
Okay. So the first category that we're
going to talk about is bottom shots.
And really the question just is what's the most bottomy shot out
there? And so I've got a couple of
nominees and so we've got the one handed backhand, which is
just like, it's kind of like that thing that like, you know,
say you're at a club and someone says something kind of rude to
you. You're like, how dare you And
you smack them across the face with the back of your hand.
It's like that one handed backhand motion.
Or is it like the drop shot where it's just like the middle
of the game and you're just like, I'm just going to drop you
and like, you know, make you run to the net and look, like,
terrible? Or.
Or is it the underhand serve where it's just like, OK, wait,
what? Like Bublic Bublic Big top
energy. But he does this underhand serve
or underarm serve, and it's just like, wait, what?
And it's just, it's giving bottom energy.
And so I was just curious, you know, what is the, what is the,
the bottomy shot in tennis? Well, I want to fundamentally
disagree with you that a touch shot is bottomy.
I feel like a touch shot is toppy, especially if it's
executed well because that's like peak toppiness because it's
like okay, I've been pounding you and now I'm going to finish
off with something that's so delicate and gentle and sweet
and. You know what a top is.
You're not just I'm. So delicate and gent, like
that's how you finish off a bottom, you know that's how you
maybe like, take a like an intermission, right?
Like you have some levels in in the interaction, right?
Like it's like #### then ooh. And if it's executed flawlessly,
like Alcaraz executes his flawlessly, Booblick executes it
pretty messily. He's a sloppy, sloppy underarm.
Serve right there, Sir. I mean and and the one handed
backhand, it requires so much strength, so much upper body
strength. And I feel like, I mean, I don't
want to imply the Bottoms don't have a lot of upper body
strength or that bottomy tennis isn't.
Weak arms. Yeah, those tiny little arms.
I'm going to do a write in vote. I think it's a two handed
backhand. Wow.
Because you're you're holding on to the big, that big stick with
both hands because it's so heavy and all you can do is swing it
through the air with all your might and grunt and try and
smack that ball back. That's my vote.
That's my writein vote. Yeah, but see, and this is where
this is. I mean, this is where I love the
discourse on this show because we get to the bottom of these
really important issues. You know, I'm thinking of like,
bottom me as like almost like flair.
You know, like. The one handed backhand or the
drop shot or that. It's like if there's just like a
I think they call it panache. Like it's just like, it's kind
of like ooh ooh that style. Or like like it's just like, oh
wow, like girl, you better work. See, I feel like a bottoming
shot is more like desperate and like reactive and you're on your
back foot and you're feeling a little bit, but you're using all
your might to try and take it and and and give it back.
See, and this is, this is America.
You know, like this is the way we see bottoms.
Like I see them as a beautiful thing and you see them as just
desperate. I just got a text from Samson.
Does he have a right in? He's weighing in and he is
actually agreeing with you, Paul, he says.
Shut up. He says that the underhanded
surf is the most bottoming shot. I agree too, because the
underhanded surf, there's something just like a little bit
of like it's top, bottom, top, bottom.
It's top bottom, but it's also demon twink energy.
Like, I don't know if you all remember the Demon Twink meme
from a couple years ago, but it was.
There's a Britney Spears themed party boat that went around New
York City and some sometimes I might have been there.
Yeah, I might even be. Some twink named Willie Bamson
was there and apparently got a little messy and did not give a
you know you know what and just was like terrorizing the boat
and end up having sex like on the dance floor in front of
everybody and like didn't care. It was just like a nightmare and
and hence the demon Twink meme was was born and the underhanded
service kind of demon Twinkie. It's just like, whoa, okay,
Well, okay, Most bought me shot. Underhanded serve.
We agree. Amazing.
Check. You know what would be a real
move though, Paul? Like, I kind of want to play a
match where every single one of my serves is underhand, where
it's like, Oh no, this is how I serve and just just keep doing
it. So you're saying you want to
improve your current serve, I mean.
Not true. I will attempt this over the
next week or two, and we'll report back to you on our next
episode how it went with me underhand serving an entire
match. An entire I mean, it might not
all be sliced underhand serves. I might top a few of them, top
spin a few of them, but they're all going to be underhand feeds.
They're all going to be complete disasters and I can't wait to
buy a ticket to that match. I will cheer you on.
They're selling out. I think that was part of the UTS
or the, yeah. The the UTF urinary tract
infection, I don't know whatever.
But yeah, UTI okay next category is our bottom bottomy strategy.
So we've got two options here. One is playing mostly and
winning mostly two 50s to get in the top 10 or just playing slams
because you're chasing a record and you know there's pros and
cons to both, like look. Vulturing around, I think is
what you called it, where it's like okay.
You pick up points. You pick up points like it's
smart, but it's just like it's a little piggy.
It's a little you know, and and I'm thinking of my favorite
bottom in the top 10 is Casper Rude, where he just wins two
50s. He just think that's all he
does. He gets these points and sure
he's up there with the big boys, but like I don't know or the
well, so the option, the other, the other alternative there is
like, you know, so just playing, you know, kind of like a, you
know a Novak style where it's like look, I don't care about
playing anywhere except for the Slams because I'm just chasing
this record. I'm just I'm like hell bent on
getting as many Slams as possible.
I don't really care about the tour or about showing up week in
week out. I just want to have this one
goal in mind, like I don't know which one thought of me.
I hate to. Give Novak credit.
But, like, it'd be one thing if he was just playing the Slams
and then losing, but he's mostly playing the Slams and getting to
the finals and mostly winning. Oh yeah, both these strategies
work, but it's just which one's more, which one's more of like a
bottom vibe, you know? The vulturing the two 50s for
for sure. Thank you.
Agreed. It's so it it's that.
So again, there's a lot of different definitions of
bottoming. And this is the more of like the
unseemly side of the bottoming or it's just like like the
person who like you put your drink down and then they like
take it. Like it's that they'll they'll
steal your drink, they'll steal your man, they'll just like
they'll do anything for points. It's just real real.
You don't trust that bottom? No, no.
Yeah. Okay next, next category is our
top bottoms. And so these are these are the
bottoms who are kind of like at the top of the game, but they're
still bottoms. You know it's like OK, so we are
rude is already one of them. We don't talk with him anymore
he's he's he's forever Hall of Fame top bottom.
But I'm curious, you know, are there any any players on the
women's or men's tour who are also kind of these top bottoms?
Well, the first person who comes to mind is Maria Sakary and you
know. I'm a fan.
We saw her live in Indian Wells and she really impressed us.
She'd be plisk of a she's got a game and she really, you know,
struts around the court with total top energy.
But there's some Peacocks. Yeah, there's something about
kind of the way her matches ultimately pan out, the way her
tournaments ultimately falter. No, I totally agree.
Like she like she's she's got like big top energy and like,
she's definitely a top. Like, she's actually not really
bottom, she's a top. But yeah, she's not really
packing. Like she's she's that top who
gets blocked on grinder after sending a Dick pic where she's
like, ohh Nope. Next, like she's just like.
And that's hard to do because according to my friend Willie
Bamson, like you're if unless the photos are real disaster,
you're like, ohh, OK well, you know for a for a Friday morning,
like, I'll take it. I mean honestly, like a
discerning bottom as if like it's like, I'll take it.
It's fine. Yeah.
What? It's Thursday at 3:00 PM Let's
do this. Yeah.
That's when we started recording.
Welcome to our five hour show Okay.
So our next category or topic of the Bottomy bottoms is the
biggest bottom. And honestly, I think we both
know there's there's only one person who gets this award.
There's a consensus here. There's a consensus.
Sure, Yeah. And we're really pimpson.
Oh, sorry, no, for the professional tour it is.
Who is it? Rafael Rafa Nadal.
Yeah, I mean, biggest bottom there.
Well, so. So the thing about Rafa, it's
like this. So this is the type of bottom
that is insatiable. Yeah.
He takes a pounding. He picks his butt, he picks
himself back up, then he takes him to pounding.
He never wants to stop, right. He's never given up.
He is. He is hungry.
Isn't he, I feel like. I mean, I feel like Federer has
almost never retired from a match, but.
Nadal has rarely retired either. He's like, I'll take it, I'll
take it, I'll take it. I'm not going to tap out.
No, you're going to tap out. And I mean, he has spent the
last 20 years like breaking his body.
Like breaking. Like it's like, you know, he is
like, I can take that. I will take it and give me more,
please. Like he will do whatever it
takes. He is there for the crowd.
He loves an audience. He is verbal.
He grunts. Yeah, and I mean, I know it's a
bit of a of the elephant in the room, but that ass that I mean
our biggest bottom can't not have a stellar ass and that
Nidal ass is almost inhuman. It is.
It is sculpted. It is like the David, but also
like do you know why he picks it so much?
Well, I think part of it is because his ass is so ample that
actually even generously sized underwear rides up and he
literally has to pull the fabric from his sweaty crack.
They made him play lefty. Oh, I know they really they they
knew that his. Bottom Hood could go in a lot of
directions. They knew that it could bottom
out or that he could become one of the greatest players of all
time. And they managed him in a
somewhat strict way, I will say, which which seems like Rafa
responded to. So are you talking?
Are so, are you kind of inferring there's a superiority
to being left-handed? No, no, because I was going to
say raise your hand if. You're a lefty.
Oh, Paul's hand is raised. I'm and it's my left hand.
I do. I do believe that there's
there's something to embrace about leftiness.
And I love being a lefty. I love it.
I I would not be a righty even if even if Uncle Tony tried to
force me into being right-handed.
I love being left-handed. You know what it's like to to go
through a righty's world as a lefty?
I'm basically doing everything that you're doing.
But like backwards and in heels it is.
But don't they have, like, mouses?
Like, you know, computer mouses for lefties and like and and you
know, cigarette holders for lefties.
No, that's the thing. Like I I could never smoke
cigarettes because. They're flesh lights for
lefties. And you know, right, because
they zig and I zag. I mean, the whole thing is a
racket against. Lefties, I I do want to.
Speaking of zagging, as we speak, your husband Paul Paul is
playing against Alex Demonar. And I'm just saying, if your
husband wins, we are booking a flight and we're going down
there, we we gotta go. Tomorrow morning and go Tommy
and but you know he's playing against you know formidable Alex
de Manure who is really isn't that how you say it.
Sure. Yeah, I love him.
I actually do love him. His mustache journey is one that
I very much identify with. Harry was.
A great player. He really maximizes his.
His Yeah, he's like he's he's he's like the Jess Pagula of the
ATP Navy. But we saw him take off his
shirt and we saw a tattoo on his, I believe it was left
pectoral and it was a number and the number was 109 and.
I feel like you knew just off the top of your head what that
stood for. He has the tattoo of 109 because
he's the 109th Australian to play, to represent Australia and
Davis Cup, which is like like, that's real commitment, that's
real. But it's also like 100.
If I was the 109th to do anything, I wouldn't be like,
well, I've got to remember that one.
Like 109th. My suspicion is that that's what
he's telling the media. But there are some other records
that he's aspiring toward, and right now he's at like 8586, the
body count and 109. Yeah, 109 is the goal and he's
Yeah, I I do love it also though because he, you know, he's like,
oh, you guys are fighting over 2324.
I'm at 109, bitch. Yeah, that Novak, take that,
Margaret Court. Good day.
He's like, I'm 109. Like you'll never catch that.
How would Margaret Court say Alex Diminar though?
Alex Diminura. Good day.
Hello. It's Diminure.
Isn't that how I don't know how you say I?
Don't know. Poor.
I don't poor. I lived in Australia.
I modeled there. They didn't like it when we
spoke. I don't know.
Okay. All right.
Well, what's our next category? So just you know just about the
the the biggest bottom, you know as a follow up, you know Novak
of course wants all the records, he wants to be the biggest
bottom, but he is not, he is. So if if if Rafa is like that
bottom, who's just never going to give up?
Novak, honestly he's like that. He's like that kind of gross
bottom who's like so well oiled and well tuned that like he'll
like walk around and being like I'm a self cleaning oven, which
if you ever meet a bottom and they say that run because it's
just like, OK girl, we get it. I mean what what's so bad about
that, Paul, like that that means that basically it's like as
Janet Jackson would say anytime, any place.
What key was that in anytime? The key of E minor slash major
key of B Autumn. Yeah, no, it's just like, look,
look, the problem with that whole mindset and and Novak,
it's like, you know, like, yeah, he's great at bottoming, but
it's like robotic, like they don't actually like they're not
present, they're not there. Like there's no joy in that
bottom and they're like, no, I can just give me more, give me
more, give me more. He may not even be aware that
it's happening. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Like, he doesn't savor it. And there's like, and we've
talked about this like, there's no joy in Djokovic's game.
The only joy he gets is is. Antagonizing the crowd.
Yeah like that's the most he's alive is when he's yelling at
the crowd for booing him and like that kind of like robotic
self cleaning oven. Like it it.
I'm worried that that's what we're backing is going to turn
into. We're just like I will take this
trophy and I will take this Dick.
It's just like just like take, take, take, doesn't matter.
It's like hot dog down a hallway.
It's just like it is not, it's not the romance of the game that
I love, it's that it's the bottom energy that I don't love.
What's our next category? Baby?
So our next category is. These are a little more
subjective because so far heretofore it's been pure
science based, Pure for men, science based.
So now the next one is pass around party bottom.
So who is the pass around party bottom of the WTA and the ATP,
the gay TP, the whatever. And you know just for a little
context, you know, it's the it's that player who's at every
tournament they will, they will play double s with anybody
because they just want to play play, play like they're just
sort of like they're around. They will not say I've had it.
I mean. Immediately, you know, Yelena
Yankovic comes to mind on WTA Gaskey on the ATP.
Currently I'm going to have to say Dominic team yeah I I would
agree with that. I mean he's definitely put in
the miles as as some of those past around party bottoms do.
I, you know, for me it's it's more like the Feliciano Lopez's
and like I agree with the Gaskeys.
It's like the guys who just aren't going away.
It's it's, you know, it's it's all of these sort of slow burn,
long tail retirements that we're like watching in real time.
Like the piece of their body falls off.
They keep going, they get, you know, injured.
They keep going. They can't walk.
They keep going. Next category Next category is
straight up sloppiest bottom, so this is the piggiest and this is
open to interpretation. This is not and except for we
will never body shame. And we are absolutely not
talking about, like, body types or anything like that.
But the piggiest, the sloppiest, botomiest players out there, and
I'll go first because I just got to say it goes to my man JJ
Wolf. He is just and he is.
His level of piggy mullet action has reached new heights and new
lows at the same time at the City Open it is great.
Have you seen him? His hair.
It's like it's Melanie Griffith and working girl.
It is crazy what he is doing with his hair.
I love it, but it's crazy if. You're saying he's rolling
around in the mud? Paul, show me that mud pit
because I want to get right in. Dive on in.
Yeah. Oh, he is just like he is just
there he is 3 slops in a bucket and one sty away from, you know,
the County Fair. Next category next.
All right. Our final one.
Bossy is bottom. You know control free the
they're the ones you know like they want to be totally in
charge but they still want to bottom.
Like they they want to win like a top but they're a total
bottom. They're like no, stop.
You're doing it wrong. No, do it this way.
Ouch. They they complain a lot.
They cause a lot of drama on the court.
Yeah, it's true. I also feel like they are expert
bottoms and so far as they, I feel like you're just trying to
stand up for Willie Mamson. Willie, Mamson, Willie, I are
close friends and I am his advocate.
We've talked about that. We've talked about those types
of bottoms. What you're describing is not
the bossy bottom. The bossy bottom is the control
freak who just wants to complain and tell you that you're doing
it wrong. But they they tend to win.
It tends to work for them, Yeah, of course.
Yeah, but it's still annoying. I do.
People get that way. Look, as you know, as you know,
bossy people get their way. Your good friend Mom Blunkholm
is a little bit bossy. Then Maul Blonde calls.
Husband Tommy. Paul.
Anyway, Bossiest bottoms. I'm going to give you 3, and
you're going to have to choose the one.
All right. We've got Holger Rune big old
bossy bottom, We've got Jessica Pagula big old bossy bottom.
And then we got Martina Hingis, who I think is the queen of all
bossy bottoms, who was just. Like I'm I'm with you.
Hingis. Yeah.
Oh well, what?
I don't think so. Why are you so quick to be into
that? Why?
Why were you like Yes, her.
Well. Because she never pretended to
be anything other than a bottom, She was always bottoming.
And she was. Bottoming openly and she said,
she basically said at press conferences, I'm a bottom and
I'm being topped relentlessly. By Venus, by Serena by Lindsay
Big Babe tennis. But I'm still going to win
because I'm sneaky. I'm smart.
I'm bossy, yeah. I'm bossy, yeah.
And I'm also on cocaine. Famous trait of a bossy bottom.
All right, well, that's that's all the bottoms.
And you know, I got to say for an episode about Bottoms, I feel
not at all smarter, but I had a great time talking about this
Billy. I I feel, I feel personally like
at least my my dear friend Willie Bamson who is is going to
listen to this and feel empowered and that's all I want
for him. Will you give me his number?
Absolutely. I've got a I've got a fleet for
him, a Fritz's fleet. All right, well, that's our
show. We'll be back in less than two
weeks. We're going to get into some
hardcore court action. I am on the edge of my bottomy
seat. I'm on the edge of my fleet.
All right, folks. Well, thanks so much for joining
in. Hope you enjoyed it and we will
see you or at least talk at you real soon.