It's time for let's get some ground strokes baseline.
It's top spin. That's LGBT.
Have a listen. Make some noise with the ball
boys. Hey everybody, and welcome to
the latest episode of The Ball Boys.
We are the tennis podcast that puts the odds and claustrophobia
and the lucky slice in Fahac ice.
I'm your host Paul Monkle, bringing the insights,
outbursts, giggles and wiggles of the ATP and WTA tours.
We are just wrapping up the longest January in history with
a triple size Australian Open that I think started back in
December. Over here in the States.
Lots of people got pummeled by ice and also there was a bad
storm. I personally felt pretty numb
after the latest murder in Minnesota.
It's just a crazy time in the world and all I can say is I
love you. I love you all and the ball
boys. We are here for you as always.
And since the last show, I popped down to Mexico City where
I ate every pastry Insight while reading the upcoming gay romance
novel 30 Love by Tom Vellner. And also the second edition of
The Inner Game of Tennis from my mom's friend Karen.
Karen is a great friend of the pod.
Hi Karen, thank you so much. And a reminder to everybody, a
ball boy is anyone who is gay for tennis, Doesn't matter what
age or gender or sexuality. If you're horny for tennis, you
are in the right place. We also had the Oscar
nominations with Sinners leading the way with 16 nominations.
But one award we know they're not walking away with is the
Australian Open title, since Yonic Sinner crapped out in the
semis in one of the weaker performances of his career.
And so today, we're spending the episode unpacking the Open.
And I'll just say it, The vibes were off.
It just felt kind of weird, kind of like the new TikTok, which is
owned by Indian Wells's own Larry Ellison.
And if you've been on that app, you know, that algorithm, it's
just not the same. You know, it looks like the app.
It sounds like the app, but it's not the app.
And that's kind of how I felt about the Australian Open this
year. Now did we have fun?
No, not really. But did we learn something?
Also no. But do we have a show stuffed to
the gills with hot takes and a little trash talk?
Absta fucking lutely. And to do all that, joining me
today is the melted cheddar cheese to my hot apple pie.
He was on the last show with me. With our always spot on
predictions, It's Matthew Coleman.
Matthew, it is always a pleasure to have you on the pod.
Hello. What's up, Paul?
Hi. How you doing?
I'm good, it's Sunday, I'm pretty well rested.
I I wish I'd gotten one point slammed last night but didn't
happen. I just went to bed alone.
No, well only one point. I feel like you.
You deserve 2. That's my hot take for.
You sometimes, sometimes a nice one and done is what the doctor
ordered. Fair.
Well. I wish I was well rested.
I was watching the finals live the last two nights straight, so
I'm a little off my game, a little off my rocker, so forgive
me if I say things that are a little untoward, but hit me with
your hot take on the AO. What's your big take away?
I mean, I feel like you teased it a little earlier where this
kind of felt like an AI generated Australian Open.
Like, yeah, it happened. The narratives were technically
OK, there were technically some good dramatic matches, but the
whole thing just felt like it came and went.
I don't know, it didn't. It didn't register in my heart
this year. Something was off.
Yeah, Yeah, we know. We had great matchups, but
terrible matches. We had interesting upsets, but
then it like went nowhere. Like there was a lot of stops
and starts, and we ended up with something that was like, OK,
that feels like a Grand Slam result.
But yeah, I, you know, they call it the Happy Slam and it's hard
to really sort of feel the happiness maybe through our, our
screens and our phones and our TV's, but I don't know.
It also just didn't feel like the happy slam this year.
Or is that just me being really tired and cranky?
No, I think you're right. I mean like there were cute
moments when Pagula and Keys had that really sweet hug at the
net. Like there were there were heart
warming moments, but I don't know, I mean, didn't like 10
people withdraw with injuries during the course of the
tournament? Like it just felt it felt kind
of bleak. And if this is the event that is
the bellwether for the rest of the season or is at least
kicking off the vibes, I'm like, send it back.
No. Yeah, much like, much like apple
pie with cheddar cheese. Like, send it back next.
Thank you. Next.
This is undercooked. This open needs to go back into
the oven for a few more minutes. Yeah, no, totally.
If we're thinking about this in terms of heated rivalry, which
I'm still thinking about, I'm going to let it go 'cause I know
we're all kind of overseeing Connor and Hudson everywhere.
But I still think that there is a way to look at the world of
like, is it a Shane and Elia, a Scott or a Kip?
What was this year's open? Was this year's open a Shane and
Elia, a Scott or a Kip? It's a it's a tough one.
Hold please let me think about this one.
My brain is is cannot even compute this question.
I'll give you my answer and I'll see if you agree, OK.
Or do you want to? Or do you want to think I'll?
No, no, no, no, please. Like take the take the lead.
No, I like watching the gears turning.
You're like, kind of like the Kira Sedgwick meme of just like,
it's all adding up. You be you be the the Dom.
I'll be the mindless sub, but I'll just do it.
I'll say whatever you said. Kel Supre Wow.
OK, Well, that's my my take is that this is this was a Scott
before he met Kip and when he was in his big slump and he was
not performing because he wasn't he wasn't.
There was an authenticity that was missing and a sadness behind
its eyes. That you only see in European
gay porn. Yeah, exactly.
And then when you go to Chechnya, yeah.
Yeah, I I can support that. I feel like maybe it was a Shane
in that it just kept taking it and taking it and taking it and
managed to I guess come out ahead at the end, but felt like
things were just kind of happening to it.
Yeah, well, and it did kind of drag on like a 10 years long
romance where you only hang out every few seasons because I
think it was there was all that build up of the quote UN quote
opening week, which was the qualies and the one point slam
and a lot of the exhibition stuff that it was like suddenly
it was like 3 weeks of programming.
And I also kind of think that the Australian Open, like they
went hard that first week and they kind of took their eye off
the ball. You know, the crowds were too
crowded, the lines were too long.
And so like the actual experience of the tennis, it was
like kind of a slog. All that stuff was like just two
weeks ago. I mean, it feels like it was
like back when the Challenger exploded.
It's just it ancient history, like when when people were
talking about like Joanna Garland and Jordan Smith.
I'm like, that feels like I was a child at that point.
What a throwback. I thought you were going to say
like it was back when, like when Challengers exploded the movie
when everyone was just talking about Challengers.
Let's rewind the film even. Now it's when the actual
horrible tragedy of the Challenger exploded.
Yes, too soon. Too soon, but you know.
What may they may their souls rest in peace.
Let's take a moment. And of course I'm talking about
Zendaya, Mike Feist and and the other one.
And the other Joshua Connor don't slip on those years.
He's like he's the one who's doing the best I think career
wise at all. Well, I know Zendaya is not
exactly struggling, but anyway, anyway, we could talk about
those 3 for a long time, but we're not going to because we're
going to hop into some of the action because despite the kind
of underwhelming narratives that happened, there were a lot of
things that are worth discussing.
And to start us off, we're going to dive into some of our lobs
beans, which again, is just that thing that made us gayer for
tennis. It's something maybe a little
campy, something a little dramatic.
And I can't help but start with Naomi Osaka's walk on kit.
No, I didn't love it. I didn't even like it.
But she walks on with the combination of a squid costume,
a beekeeper's net, an umbrella like Mary Poppins.
And it's definitely Lobs being because it was the moment that
everyone was talking about just the campiness, the
ridiculousness. And I got to say I'm a little
bummed that we didn't get to see if she was going to do something
else. Like what if she won all seven
matches? Was she going to have a
different sea anemone hanging off?
I, I don't know, like there was maybe something there, but it
was a lobs being for me. What did you think of the
outfit? I mean, I feel like it reminded
me of if she had gotten stuck in town right before her match,
like doing a little shopping. And then the bees from Indian
Wells have made their way over to Australia and she's like, oh,
my God, bees. And then she was running from
the bees. And then she like ran through a
thrift shop and she got some like mosquito netting trapped on
her head and like some like different like Bengals and
bobbles and, and pieces of fabric kind of got stuck to her.
And then she ended up on court and like that was her final
look. I didn't love it.
Let's just say that I didn't love it.
And I and if we were going to get more of the same for like 4
more matches, then I think I'm all right.
Yeah, I I definitely didn't love it, but I love your narrative.
It was more like a a slapstick comedy routine where it's just
like whoa and like. Here's the thing, like, let me,
let me double click on it for half a second.
It's like I think tennis and fashion are so naturally
aligned. Like I feel like there is such
an opportunity to come to come in and do something cool and
avant-garde and sexy And like these, you know, people are
amazing athletes. They have amazing bodies.
And I'm, I'm sad because I keep waiting for someone to actually
do something. You're right, remarkable with
it. When Serena and Sharapova, you
know, would have their fashions back in the day, it's, I mean,
there were, there were a lot of misses, but there were a lot of
hits as well. Real hits, yeah.
And it's like they just looked sexy and like, I want, I want
that like, call me a classicist. I don't know, just like the
drapey that I, I don't, I don't know, like the, the, the
performance artness of it all is like, not for me.
It might be for others, but it's not for me.
I think I think that's a really good point because at the end of
the day, the actual fit wasn't great.
It wasn't flattering. It wasn't interesting to look
at, really. It felt like a a runway
challenge on Drag Race. Where Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Or like or like raid the trash on Project Runway to just make
an outfit in 5 minutes like. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
What was your take on? Come on, Gate.
I know you. Love Christia?
Yeah. Yeah, doesn't everybody everyone
loves Sarah with her, like with her Stewart little voice.
God, Paul, I feel like I'm being so mean on this podcast.
Apologies to all the viewers, like I'm not.
I'm a loved don't. Go to Romania anytime soon,
yeah. Yeah, exactly.
But I but I love, I love Countess Draculin.
But I yeah, I feel like everybody's entitled to that.
Like, both of those players are entitled to feel how they feel
in court in that situation. I think I mean, ultimately I
side with Naomi on this. It's like if she she wasn't
doing anything so egregious that, you know, the umpire
needed to intervene, there's, there's a protocol that's either
she's either following or she's not.
And like, if she is doing something that Kirstea feels
like is uncouth or a little bit disrespectful, then you know
what Serrano like let it fire you up then like win the damn
thing and show her. I think like Sabalenka in the in
the semi final would like got annoyed at something and she's
like, yeah, just pissed me off and it pushed her.
So it's like harness it. I I just don't, don't whine
about it, you know? Yeah, I agree.
I, I, I definitely hear you. And I also don't think that
Naomi had any malicious intent of I'm going to get in her head.
I don't think. So, but I will say this, if
someone in the audience after the first serve was a fault,
yelled out, come on, the umpire would have said, please don't
say that between serves. So it felt a little weird.
You don't hear players verbally doing anything between serves.
Like you just don't hear that. So it was like, it's it.
I can see Serrano's side. But again, I don't think there's
any malicious intent. And then, like, I think it got
into Naomi's head. I don't know if it necessarily
had a play in her pulling out to the next round.
But I, you know, I don't like her having such a bold vision in
a statement one second and then kind of shrinking like a Violet
the next. And it was just the whole thing
turned really icky. Again.
It was like a, you know, not the thing that that we wanted at the
open. When Naomi pulled out, it feels
like it was a little bit of a turning point in the vibes of
the tournament because I was like vibing with it through the
third round too, I think. I absolutely was too cause like
something switched round 4 was like turd burger after turd
burger of what should have been great matches and it was
horrible. A.
Few more quick lobs beings. Look, I just got to give a shout
out to Yelena Ostapenko for every Grand Slam carrying the
weight of the creating a meme on her shoulders.
And this time she delivered with a literal shot to the face
against Laura Siegmund. She hits the ball to Laura and
Laura, you know, gets it back and it's a really easy put away.
And instead of going for anywhere else on the court,
Ostapenko just goes right back at Sigman, hits her square in
the face. And then she turn around like
she she kind of put her hands up, like, yes, sorry, turn
around. Like she did not give two fucks.
And I'm sorry. That was iconic.
I loved it. I needed that.
I think we all needed that. We all needed a good laugh.
I mean, it's a little bit of a call back to years ago when
Ostapenko accidentally hit Alizeh Corne.
She was serving, she served so poorly that the serve hit the
player like on the other side of the net.
But like technically she won the point because if you if the
player on the other side of the net touches the ball, then then
you lose the point. And then Cornea was like was
like, what do you mean that's a way to win a point?
Like what do you what do you mean?
And it's like, listen, like, like, that's what that's what
Ostapenko does. I'm a I'm a member of the
Ostapenko Appreciation fan club. I don't think she's ever going
to have another major run in her, but I love her in double S
and I love her just being around being someone who's going to
terrorize Ygashvientek every now and then and just do her thing.
So yeah, Yelena, we love you. Come on the show.
And the last lobs being it's just a hearty welcome to the
family. Greg Slade, the British quad
tennis player, the Paralympic silver medalist who came out as
gay. We love it.
We support you. Another great outpouring of
support on social media for him. And honestly, I'm just going to
say babe alert, that face card is not declined.
So, Greg Slade, welcome to the family.
Now we are going to get into twits, but because we're in
Australia we're calling it twatta because it's this week at
the Tinas. So twatta this week at the
Tinas. So the open has come and gone
and yeah, it was missing a certain something.
It all at some point felt a little subdued, and we all know
I love a subdued, but it was just a little off.
On our last show, though, Matthew, we made quite a few
predictions about what was going to happen.
How did we do? I think it's safe to say that
it's a a mixed bag. I I OK, so correct me if I'm
wrong, but I think you had said you thought Sinner was going to
win and I had said I thought Algraz was going to win because
they kind of trade, I feel like they trade back and forth the
majors. So I guess I came out ahead on
that one. But that's like an easy.
Like those are the easy predictions.
Like, oh. Is it Sabalenka or someone else?
But like anything else. Well, I mean, if we go a little
bit, a little bit down in the rankings, which is what I feel
like I, what I, what I'm doing on a daily basis, which.
Is going a little further down, like we talked a breakthrough
Kaboli or Kachinov, you know, one literally crapped out, one
pulled out, one just totally faded away.
It was just like, okay, it wasn't those guys.
Yeah, but check girlies. Go ahead.
Well. Speaking of the check girlies, I
think like when we were going through I was going like match
by match looking at the draw I had said like Barton Kava is 1
to watch and. Called that.
And I don't know if I said Valentova or not but or Valenta,
but I put her in my in my fantasy bracket.
So it's like the next Gen. of Czech girlies, which like we are
attuned to on the show. Yeah, they're not on the door.
Yeah, they, they made a showing. I mean, they didn't go deep,
deep. They didn't make second week,
but they got a they got damn close for being like 19 years
old. Yeah, and we also both called
Nuskova not making a breakthrough because she's not
the Czech girly for us. But you know, our brittle bird
boned Divas of Kurtikova, Mukova and von Drisova.
Just like I'm not going to really put any stock into
Ostapenko's chances. I don't know these girls.
Like yeah, Mukova had a good run ish to the round of 16, but it
was very predictable. She lost in three sets to Coco
Golf, and actually she very easily could have won, but she
just didn't. So yeah, it was a little bit of
a humble pie, you know, with, with cheddar cheese melted on
it. Because I, I've never done so
poorly because, yeah, like you said, we've got a fantasy
bracket with a few friends. This is, I think cumulatively
the lowest point that we've scored total it.
Was a bloodbath. It was a blood it.
Was a bloodbath, except for Matthew Paluch, but I think
somehow he rigged it. I don't know.
He has a DeLorean. He did something he like, knew
the results came back, but everyone, I mean, this is the
first time ChatGPT beat us, which is terrifying, you know,
for the. Future, but I have to, I have to
say some of that, I feel like is the human innovation aspect of
it, because I will take a little bit of credit for each time I
build a ChatGPT bracket, which like is a collaboration between
me and ChatGPT, because I, I have to, if I just said give me
a bracket, it would be nonsensical.
It's like I have to feed it the, I have to feed it the draw.
I actually download the what the odds makers think the first, the
odds of, Oh, that's not fair. A player winning the first
round. I, I, I put that in.
You got to, I mean, you got to feed the data and then I, what
else do I do? There's some other thing that I
put in. Oh, I think the odds of the odds
per player of who's going to win the tournament.
We stir that into a big, you know, AI machine learning soup,
and yeah, it's it. It was like it was a little too
smart for its own good this time, which is concerning.
The singularity is upon us. Yeah, we were talking like
Matthew, training these computers is the butterfly
effect that this is going to lead to Terminator and the
robots taking over because they learned a little too much about
the brackets. 1 Australian Open. Why don't you do the same pics
as ChatGPT then? You think you're smarter than a
computer? You think you're better than
that? OK.
So I feel like we're we're in our second season or third
season, like in terms of years, I don't know of of doing this
bracket. Each successive time we do it.
I just end up wanting to go more on vibes because I always regret
it. Like I think I regretted it when
you put Krachikova in your bracket at at I don't know if it
was Wimbledon or I don't know if it was the tournament after, but
like you're jealous, you know, you know, I love my girl Barbie
K, but I did not have faith because like you said, she's a
broken bird. I did not have faith.
She was going to make a deep run.
So I didn't put her in and then she did.
And I was like, you know what, I would have rather put her in and
just have her lose first round and like have just but so the
faith in the players that I love, then have pick some random
player or like I know nothing about or pick someone who I
actively dislike their their game style or their personality.
The truth is, especially in the women's side, it's just such
chaos every time that that like, making the irrational choice can
actually like, somehow bring you ahead of everybody else.
That's the thing in a time of great chaos, the fact that we
actually didn't have great chaos was actually a very chaotic
choice by the universe because we were like, oh, someone's
going to crap out early. There's going to be this,
there's going to be that. But I mean, we really held a
forum in an unprecedented manner.
I'm the same way. I vote with my heart.
I I pick narratives and stories. I was definitely more of a
prediction artist than scientist.
But I am going to also say to my defense, just like you trained
that ChatGPT, I feel like I was a little manipulated on the last
show 'cause you were like, Oh yeah, definitely pick Belinda
Bench to win it all. Paul, you like you goaded me on
and I just feel like I was under duress and I'm pointing a cheesy
finger at you. Well, who's the subdued now?
Following my big. My big Dom instructions.
Wow. Yeah, that's right.
You're gonna, you're gonna put it in your bracket and you're
gonna like it, Paul. My bracket's so tight.
Stop on. Your knees.
Wow, wow. OK, wow.
OK folks, we need to take a break for have a cigarette
anyway. Net, net.
We were pretty awful with our predictions.
I'm just going to say that about what would happen, but I think
we can do much better talking about what did happen and
predicting that. So we're going to talk about
some of the winners. So we'll get to the results.
We'll talk about the men. And so the men's final ended
about 10 hours ago at like the stroke of 3:30 AM Los Angeles
time. Carlos Alcaraz takes out Novak
Djokovic in four sets to win his seventh major overall,
completing the career Slam. Also a slew of first youngest to
do this, youngest to do that, sexiest to do this.
Like it was all, it's so much. I know it was a decent match.
The first set was wild. Novak comes out dialed in
playing fearless, like showing us who the Frick he is to talk
about using some adversity for fuel when that reporter a few
days ago was like, isn't it interesting?
You used to chase Rodger and Rafa and now here you are
chasing Carlos and Yanuk and he's like, girl, what about the
15 years in between that when I was schooling everybody.
So he came out with I think with a little bit of that mentality.
But then he didn't sustain it. And Carlos just kind of took
over, wins it in four. I knew it was either going to be
Novak in three or Carlos in four.
There's no way it was going 5 again.
They both played five setters and Novak just he had to like
take it to him and he didn't. I don't know.
What do you think about Carlos winning?
I mean, not surprised. And yeah, to your point, to your
credit, you did call it Carlos. And for when we were talking
about it before the match, I think that the the narrative arc
of that match is a surprise to no one.
But I feel like the real like interesting narrative is the
fact that Djokovic was in the final at all, which is is pretty
cool. I feel like we should go back
and check the tapes from our shows last year to, to see if
one of our predictions was that Djokovic never makes another
major final. I wouldn't have been surprised
if we had said that because I think that's kind of was on my
mind. It's funny because like, I, I
love like underdog stories, but I tend to think very linearly,
linearly about like age in tennis, where it's like, I just
expect a player to kind of like, once they're on the decline,
like that decline is going to just keep going, coming back.
But yeah, Djokovic is showing that.
Like, I think if you just have the will and you have the fire
inside of you, I think he surprised a lot of people,
including me. It's a good point.
And I I think that maybe what I'm expecting and thinking could
still happen is kind of like that last push, that last gasp.
So Federer, he had it at the end of 2017 and 2018 when he won 22
Slams after going years without one.
Same with Rafa in 22. Remember where like in 2022,
suddenly he did a streak, He won the Australian and the French.
You know, it's, it's kind of like.
Nobody expected him to win the AO that year.
It was only the second time he won the Australian Open.
The first time he won it was in 2009 and then in 2022, like, oh,
wow. And so I feel like it's like
kind of like CPR. So like, there's one more breath
left in Novak and it could have happened.
But yeah, it would have required him beating Sinner and Alcarez,
which is just a feat that is. It's a tough test.
Pretty, pretty gargantuan. I'll say this.
I was a little conflicted because yes, I love Carlos, but
I've also been very clear about how much I dislike what's going
on with his team and his potential issues with focus and
maybe partying too much and all that.
I fear, I'm not going to say this for sure, but I fear the
Carlos winning is going to lead to an earlier end to his career.
You know, he even signed the lens afterwards, like mission
accomplished or whatever. Not not to quote George Bush
after Iraq, but like, you know, it was like it was something
like, you know, job is done or something like that.
And it's like, excuse me, you're 22 and like you feel like you've
completed something. And I also feel like, look, yes,
he parties, but he hasn't really had a rebellious phase yet or a
board phase. It's going to come and with more
success, there's less hunger. I, I'm worried like, is he going
to like have a little bit of a moment and burn out and come
back like Jennifer Capriotti, or is he going to just be like,
screw this, I'm done Like Bjorn Borg.
I, I, I worry about that happening with him much more
than Sinner. Am I crazy?
It's interesting. I hadn't really considered it
through that lens, if I'm honest.
I mean, I think that we've seen he's not like really susceptible
to like that same initial slam fall off.
His mentality historically has has been with his prior
successes, they've only fuelled him to go achieve greater.
I don't think I'm as hung up on on the drama behind the scenes
with this team as you are. It's a one door closes, another
opens. Like, yeah, he's going to need
to find stability, but I think that maybe this will end up
actually pushing his game to an even better place.
I'm not sure, but there is something about completing the
calendar slam and, and feeling like for, for a lot for 99.9% of
the tennis world. Yeah, that would be if they
could quit tomorrow. And it's like the, the books
closed. You know, they've done all they
came to do. Yeah, Yeah, it's, you're right.
I'm, I'm interested to find out. It's kind of a wait and see
moment. It's a wait and see moment of
like how much fuel does he really have inside?
Does he like, he likes to party, but I don't feel like he has
demonstrated this draw to the flame of celebrity, you know?
No, it's more I worry and, and again, this is all just speaking
about through the lens of what I see online and which I believe
everything I read online and what I see on television, which
I also believe everything I see on television.
But it's more, I think that Juan Carlos A was like a bit of a
father figure, but also he was the counterpoint to that energy.
That was a little more like celebratory.
He was very stoic and I think he kept him focused.
He like crossed all the T's, dogged all the I's, and I'm just
not sure, like his brother who doesn't know how to give a
haircut is going to be doing that same level of due
diligence. His cramping in the semis was
such a huge red flag to me because yes, people cramp in
extreme conditions. The conditions weren't that
extreme in his match. He was cramping.
I worry because like, maybe he wasn't hydrated enough.
Maybe he had that, hadn't taken the electrolytes he needed.
Like maybe something had been overlooked.
That's fair, but like, I mean, Yannick was cramping like crazy
in round three. I mean to the to the at.
Level 5 at Level 5 heat index. This wasn't even bad at the
time. He it was like a it was like a
lovely evening of tennis and he was cramping.
No, I know, I, I know, but it's, it was later in the tournament
too. I like you know what, I take
your point. I take your point.
I think from here on out, we'll see the real impact of Ferrero
on his his game or not and and on his on his mentality and his
discipline. I mean, I think if you look at
his playing style the past year or two, he he's brought a lot of
discipline into the way that he plays.
I don't know if that's Carlos or I don't know if that's JC.
I don't know. He doesn't go for as many kind
of trick shots as often. He tends to kind of keep his
head in the game more. He he that's true, plays the
points he needs to play to win. So he has shown growth in his
game. And I think having Sinner as his
main rival, which like we'll see if that rivalry continues with
the same intensity, but I think that is kind of an organizing
factor for his mentality too, of you just don't want to be second
best. You don't want history to
remember you a second best. So even if he doesn't have the
right people in his life, you know, just having that, that
fuel of like, I can't, I can't let myself slack and lose
ground. That might be a motivating
factor too. But yeah, we'll, we'll see.
I'm also maybe like just trying to formulate or fabricate some
drama intention because otherwise this is going to get
really freaking boring if it's just talking about these two
over and over again. So I'm just calling it.
He's going to be it Jennifer Capriati.
You're going to catch him in Florida with a pack of
cigarettes and menthols and just, you know, it's going to be
everything. Let's talk about the semis real
quick though, though. We had a semi final where the
top four men are facing off. We had Alcaraz versus Verav
Novak versus Sinner. We end up with two five setters,
which is 10. I'll do the math, 10 sets of
tennis. People were calling this the
best semifinals day ever. They were hyping this up so much
on ESPN. I am sorry, do not spit in my
mouth and tell me it's raining. I found both matches extremely
frustrating. I don't even know where to
begin, but let's begin with Vera and Alcarez.
So as we were referencing, Alcarez cramped up so hardcore
for about two out of the five sets.
And he didn't lose one of those sets.
He's throwing up on the cork or into into a towel.
He can barely move. How in the world did Zveriv lose
this match? And again, I'm not a Zvera fan
and I I'm glad that we didn't have to suffer through another
Zveriv choking incident. I don't just mean domestically,
but also on the court And a final.
But he hit for a solid hour of a totally immobilized Carlos
Alcaraz. He hit nearly every shot
directly back to him and just let him smack the fuck out of it
because that's all Carlos could do.
Not a drop shot, not an angle, nothing.
I was watching, I was like, what?
What was he thinking? Like is he?
Is he that dumb? He was just giving him softballs
that then Carlos would tee off on.
I don't know. I was like, this is the worst
match I've ever seen someone play.
And that award goes to Sasha Sverav.
Yeah, I think you make a very good point that you can't judge
whether a match is good or not by the score line.
No, if you look at if you look at the score line with all those
tie breaks, five step match, like like you would think that
that's one for the ages. You would think that that's
going to be immobilized in the pantheon of of great tennis
matches at slams. And yeah, it's your point.
It's like it was a kind of reminds me a little bit of a few
years ago, maybe it was 2021 when when I'm like obsessed with
Alizeh Corne this time. But like Corne was dueling it
out with with Simona Halep. It was a hot day.
Both of those players physically were just like gum on the bottom
of someone's shoe. I mean they were like, it was
just like bunting it back watching people play.
They're worst but like at the same time, so their level is
equal. Is not fun for anybody.
Yeah, yeah, like a a fully hobbled Carlos and just a
mentally weaks ver of we're having a very long match.
It remind me of also I thought you're going to mention like the
Cam Nori final where he beats Alcarez at the Rio Open.
Like 2 years ago 'cause. Alcarez was literally on one leg
and at least Nori beat him eventually.
It was a very close match but like that Zverev couldn't even
do that. I am sorry.
Like dude, I almost want to be like dude give it up.
Like if you can't win that semi final, I don't know.
You can't say he hasn't had his chances.
You know, personally, I'm not the biggest Vera fan.
I think, like, like everybody I know, yeah.
But I also feel like in a funny way, I have this characteristic
view of his game because all I ever remember about his matches
are the bad parts. I just see the worst qualities
of his game ultimately be his Achilles heel.
Yeah, yeah. And it's it's it's interesting
because like the only time that I really felt attention during
this tournament, particularly when it came to Sinner Alcaraz,
was the two matches when they were both on death's door and
injured horribly. I mean, I think it was both
cramps and and in each match. But I was like, maybe we need
like a new game and a new innovation to the tennis where
it's like whenever Carlos or Yannick enters a tournament, we
have to hobble them somehow. Maybe we either like they have
to like play with their opposite hand, kind of like Princess
Bride where it's like the great swordsman.
He's like, I have a surprise. I am not right-handed.
And it's like, oh, they put their left hand or.
Give them like a racket from the 50s.
A racket? Yes, exactly.
Or make them wear like coke bottle glasses where they can't
really see. Maybe we microdose them with
something, but we don't say what it is.
Like a vibrating butt plug, vibrating butt plug and then
morgues has the has the reboot from the side of the court.
They're each wearing the new and improved Whoop monitoring
underwear, but now that monitor is a butt plug.
Have you seen those the Whoop monitoring underwear?
No. So there was a moment where.
This is not, this is not like a prank.
No, this is real. I don't know if you saw, but
like on one of the rounds, Carlos had a monitor under his
wristband. He was, he was told to take off
and that just monitors your vitals because they're only
allowed to wear that sports bra thing that does that for some
reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then whoop, the company actually has underwear with a
monitor in the underwear. So we are getting closer and
closer to a fitness tracking butt plug.
Just saying. I mean like if you, if you can
dream it, you can do it. Like let's, I think we have our
first Ball Boys branded product. Honey, I love it.
Show me the money. Then we had the the the Sinner
Novak semi and that one. He didn't need a butt plug or
cramps or anything 'cause Sinner played like crap.
I haven't seen him play that bad in a very long time.
He had so many opportunities to break Novak.
He went two for 18 on break points, including missing the
last 10, including having triple break point in the 5th set and
he just couldn't do it. And he has a terrible record for
long matches. Anything over 4 hours he's 0 and
9. Yeah, I remember I saw that
chart on Twitter and I was like, that is nuts.
Yeah. I guess I'm more worried about
him than about Carlos. Just in terms of actual
performance. What does?
What does Sinner need to do? I'm away from this.
You see this a lot with the very top players.
They're not playing warmups or they're not playing tuneups.
So you know his season, I mean, he played the he played in.
Korea. And then his, Oh yeah, the exos.
Yeah, that's the thing. They play exos, which is like,
which I hate, you know, which people, people can debate like
whether or not that actually is like proper match prep for for
the big stage. But yeah, he wasn't in shape.
He wasn't in form and that still means he can beat, you know, 99%
of other players on a on a decent day.
I'm not too worried about him for the rest of the year though.
He just needs to work on his conditioning and like he'll be
OK. Yeah, yeah.
But I mean the semi final wasn't any cramping.
He just every forehand that he is like there's patented Sinner,
the boom, the synergy, it was not there.
There was just there was something was missing in his
execution. But I mean, when he had his like
his big, you know, heated rivalry night with Mousetti in
their hotel room the night before, they they just kept each
other up a little bit too. Long well, and that's how
Mousetti injured his groin. Yeah, it's all connected, that
Italian team, which by the way, everyone like checked the pasta,
the entire Italian. Team.
Had the runs at one point or another.
Jasmine Palini loses to Eva Jovic and she says it's because
she ate a big lunch and then laid down afterwards and had a
tummy ache during the whole match.
Our beautiful Kaboli shit the bed in the first round because
he literally had to go to the bathroom over and over and over
again. Dardari, Did you see Dardari
after he won his match? I think it was his first round
match. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's he's had a Sprint off court.
Yeah, he did the fastest handshake ever and then went
straight off court 'cause he was going to Dardari his shorts.
There's just some the Italian team is.
Yeah, there's something in the tomato sauce over there in
Australia. Like the the Czech ladies,
brittle bone disease is only matched by, like the Italians,
tummy issues. Well, let's talk about the
ladies real quick. So the women's final, we had the
the 2 tops of the tour right now, Rebekina versus Sabalenka,
it's a 3 setter, pretty high quality match really even too.
They both won the same number of points.
I saw that when I was filling out our our fantasy bracket.
I was like, oh, even Stevens. I I love Rebekina's game.
I I don't love her mentality. I don't think she has a
personality, but her actual strokes, her serve, her
forehand, her every part of her game is a really beautiful game
to watch. Do you like what do you think of
her, her game style? I think that it's growing on me
a little bit. And you know, she threw in at
least one drop shot in that match, which, like, I, I, I like
to see. I just, I, I don't like it when,
you know, a basher turns into a brainless basher and just like
uses the, you know, their weight of shot to completely put aside
any sort of craft. She's grown on me.
But you're right, I think the lack of personality makes her a
little bit of a harder sell for me.
I acknowledge she's talented. You know, her, her matches can
be fun to watch. But like, do I get the, the, the
tingly wingly is when she wins? Like, not really, no.
No, and I'll say I wasn't emotionally invested in either
one of these players winning. Yeah, I don't think I was
either. I'm not.
I'm not obsessed with Sabalenka. I also didn't love her writing
the word mentality on her coach's cheek.
There's something that doesn't sit right.
I don't know if it feels dehumanizing.
I don't know if it feels like like a weird power play.
I don't know. I just, I wasn't a fan of that.
She's now four and four in Grand Slam finals.
Not great, not horrible. She does get the award for tie
break queen. She's won 20 tie breaks in a row
now. Like do not get into a tie break
with Sabalenka. And that was interesting.
They were saying this and I, I saw it.
It's like in a tie break, she does not second guess herself.
If she could just do that for the rest of her game.
I mean, granted, she's world number 1, so it's not like she
then she'd get to #1 like she's she's winner, she's the winner.
But like she does something in tie breaks that is just next
level. Yeah, but I mean, the rise of
Rabacana has made the Sabalenka narrative more interesting
because someone is challenging her for her spot in the Big Babe
Tennis pantheon on. Oh yeah.
Yeah, You know, it's like they, I mean, they, they're, I
wouldn't say they're, you know, their games are identical, but I
mean, they definitely are cut from the same archetype.
Yeah, I like seeing those two push each other and I hope we
get more of Sabalenka Rabaca in our finals.
And I hope that they're, I hope that they keep going back and
forth like I want them to keep each other on edge.
I think they will be quality matches whenever they meet and
like that. Like that's the thing.
We've had some some finals in the last couple years where
someone is not performing or it's just though the conditions
are rough or it's not fun to watch.
This match I just I enjoyed. I really like this might be the
match I enjoyed watching the most.
So just real quick on the semifinals, all four
semifinalists made it without dropping a set.
This is the first time ever, which I also think kind of just
speaks to some of the uneven matches.
Like even though we had really great matchups in the
quarterfinals and even though there were a lot of great third
and fourth round matches, it just wasn't that close a lot of
the time. And, and then that continued in
the semis, like we had Svitalina versus Sabalenka and that was
not, not a good watch, not a good look.
It was just a, a, a routing on Sabalanka's part.
She was very gracious afterwards and very complimentary towards
Svidalina, which was really nice.
But I, I, I didn't, I didn't enjoy that match.
And even the other semi final of her, Bakana and Pagula, Pagula
came back in the second set. It was a good showing, but I was
like, OK, next. Like there was no, there's no
tension, the only tension there. There was 2 points of tension, 1
was the final between Sabalenka and Rebecca and the other was
the lip sync for your life between Mia star and Juicy love
Dion. That was also the greatest match
up in women's sport in the last two weeks.
So anyone out there, if you've seen that lip sync, you know
what I'm saying. If you haven't seen the lip
sync, check it out. It Will Rock your world.
I'm looking now from the fourth round on, on the on the women's
side, there were only two reset matches.
It was in the final, including the final.
And then the other one was Goth Mojova.
The other ones were all just straight set.
I mean, yeah, not like they're not taking it to each other.
Yeah, Spinolina is kind of the the perfect representation of
that. It's like she looked insane.
In the side she had or Yeah. It's just yeah, I.
Just. Sounds cincha tight, really
tight. Not Not too much on Alina now,
love. You not too much, but.
No, but it's like she's just like, it's like, you know, I, I
know she was just outplayed, but like, where did she go?
I mean, that's what we keep asking with these players.
Like, you know, where did Coco go when she was playing against
Spitalina? Honestly, yeah, that was one of
the big cons, that there's so many shit matches on the and on
the men's side too. Like, I'm sorry, on the fourth
round, what Lerner TN did to Medvedev and Dimnauer did to
Bublik, like thrashed them in a way that was like, I I was like,
this is theirs is weird. And like, I don't think that
they were threw the matches by any means, but it was such a
poor performance. And they were just there were so
many that like, yeah, like Coco versus Videlina.
What the hell happened? That was a return to Coco from
two years ago when she couldn't get a servant.
And like this is the thing, like if we kind of run a little
informal test and we look at our brackets, none of us had Coco in
there. And I think because we all have
scar tissue from these moments where like we, she feels a
little bit like a ticking time bomb.
It's like we all love Coco. We all think she's incredibly
talented. She's proven herself time and
time again. But it's like I in the back of
my mind, I don't know which Coco's going to show up.
And it's starting to feel like you can say this about a lot of
players now, which is kind of concerning because it didn't
feel like it used to be like that, no.
No, I was locked in for Anna Sumova to really make it to the
finals. Yeah, me too.
I I picked Anna Sumova over Sabalenko.
Like I just thought she had the momentum.
Her, I mean, her mindset during that match against Pagula, she
would win a point and be looking like she was in tears.
I mean, I don't know what exactly was going on.
Yeah, it's birds. Some memes that I'm seeing
still, like, yeah, have heavily used on Twitter.
It's just that, yeah, the crying face, like it was, it was bleak.
Yeah, it was, it was, it was, it was rough.
Even though a lot of these Americans kind of crapped out in
the match that ultimately took them out.
It was a great showing. You know, American Pie was
strong down in in Australia. We had four girls and two boys
in the quarters. I just got to give a quick shout
out to Lerner Tien. That boy is top tier.
He just destroyed Medvedev in that fourth round.
Medvedev had no answers. He was like, I don't even know
what to do. It was like they were playing
different sports. And I was like, maybe, maybe
Lerner TN is gonna be a top 10 rival for Senator Alcaraz.
I mean, he's got to work on that serve.
But otherwise, I, I'm, I'm, I'm excited to see what he does this
year 'cause once he gets that serve, because as we've seen
with Novak and Carlos, like they were tweaking their serves, like
the serve continues to grow. So yeah, I think he can get
there, yeah. I think he has that intangible
quality that like and Andreva has.
It's not that they have the strongest game and the most
powerful shots, but they've got they've got greatness in them
and they and they win the matches that they need to win to
to get to the top. I mean, ultimately you're only
going to get there if you're winning.
Yeah, I think he is that next gener.
I mean, everyone was kind of talking about Joel Fonseca, who
really just looked terrible at on his first round.
But I think he's just a little out of shape because he has been
playing because he's been injured.
But everyone was talking about him over Lerner.
But I think Lerner has got he's got room to grow.
I think he's definitely going to be top 15 by the French Open.
And then and then we'll see. Also a big shout out to Ivyovic,
the 18 year old mixed to the quarters again, not a great
performance against Sabalinka, not not the worst, but but just
her making the quarters fantastic.
I'm excited about her game. I think she's going to kind of
round into something that's going to be interesting to
watch. And there were some, there were
some. They didn't go deep, but there
were some good breakthroughs on the men's side of players that
feel like I've been loading for a while.
Like, Ethan Quinn had a great tournament.
Ethan. Yeah.
And and, you know, after he lost the credit card roulette at the
American dinner, it's like you almost.
I love that narrative of like, he was thinking like, my check's
going to bounce if I don't win these these matches.
Yeah, So anyone who doesn't know, like all the American men
went out to dinner and they they paid for it by playing credit
card roulette. And it's like Tommy Paul, Ben
Shelton, all these people who've made millions and Ethan Quinn's
card gets picked and he's like, he's just making a face.
And then, but then he goes on to get third round money which I
think is like a quarter $1,000,000.
Yeah, it's like it's a healthy check.
And then and then I thought Spiziri actually did great.
Like he was really fun to watch in that center match and
couldn't quite close it out, but like his shot making was great.
Like I was really invested in that match and he had a really
great attitude, you know, in the presser afterwards.
He wasn't, he was not a bitter Betty about what happened with
the the closing and all that. Yeah, well, the last shout out
and I've got to end on this because it's just Stan the man.
He was the highlight of the entire tournament for me.
Lavrinka, this is his last year. We talked about him on the last
show and it's not just a goodbye tour.
He wants to play, he wants to win.
He becomes the first player over 40 to reach the third round at a
major since Ken Rosewal at the 1978 Australian Open.
He now has the record for the number of five set matches at
Grand Slams with 49. And my favorite match of the
tournament on the men's side was his match against Ghia.
I don't know if I'm saying his name right.
It's Gea, Gaia, Ghia, whatever. French guy, super cutie, great
match, really entertaining. And I will also say this, and I
know it's probably just going to sound very objectifying, but I'm
going to objectify him. He's never looked better.
His hair, he was doing this floppy, flippy, floppy thing the
whole time. It was a really great styling.
His skin looked great. He looked a little fitter, like
I look. He's he's making his debut on
the Bay TP this week, so yeah. He tapped into something like
during this tournament, if there is a higher power, they like
threw a little extra something his way.
He had a glow about him. Yeah, he was having the best
time and he like drank the beer with the fans.
Yeah, he acquitted himself so well in his last Australian Open
ever. But again, it's like not to just
be a broken record, but that's why the first 3 rounds of this
tournament were like so fun to watch because like the of the
narratives like this and then it all just like imploded when the
stands and the belindas and like all the young upstarts, like
they all got knocked out and it just all reverted to the mean.
Like I just found myself not caring.
It's like I need an underdog to root for.
And it's like where, where where are they?
Where did they go? I need either an underdog, I, I,
I will always root for the underdog, absolutely.
But I, I need that and or I need a battle. 2 Titans, yeah, I need
a battle. And the problem was these
battles sucked and it was like, wait, you're supposed to be
pretty even like this is It was embarrassing.
A battle. A Battle of the Bastards, to
quote Game of Thrones. Bastards.
So that's pretty much the Australian Open overall.
I did talk about the bait TP briefly, and Stan is making his
debut. We've got a new Bait TP
reflecting the performances at the Australian Open.
Again, it's not just who's hot, it's who's hot, who had an
impact, who did something fun, who was kind of sexy.
And go check out our Instagram to see the full list of the new
Bay TP. And our Instagram is at TBB
Tennis. That's at TBB Tennis.
Go see see the boys and tell us who we missed.
Oh, did you see what time the matches ended on Friday night?
No, because it was, I mean it was late.
Was it like Australian time or are you talking about US time?
No, it's time for cross court. Oh God damn it, you always get
me I. Always get that's right.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to finish the show with
cross court where the ball boys are the line judge and jury of
tennis crimes. And we are only one month into
the new season in 2026 and the court docket is already filling
up. So it is time to try our latest
case. Today we've got the case of Did
you see that? In what seemed to come as a
surprise to literally everyone at the beginning of the
Australian Open, People who are already paying for ESPN and ESPN
plus an ESPN select an ESPN. I don't even know anymore.
They were agreed with her ugly, expensive, bratty, bloated
sister. ESPN Unlimited, where for a mere
$30.00 a month you can see many, but not all of the matches at
the Australian Open. And for anyone who has things
like YouTube, TVESPN would often choose to finish airing a
college basketball game instead of showing the women's
quarterfinals. So tuning in for the Australian
Open was harder than ever this year, more expensive than ever
this year. It was a complete money grab.
It made very little sense to people and I think that it came
really out of nowhere. It was a surprise to everybody.
And so in our cases, did you see that?
But folks, ESPN is not who is on trial today, good people of the
cross court and a shocking twist.
It is I who will be standing trial because I decided to use
AVPN to watch the Australian Open.
Well, I did once I figured it out.
It did not stand for Visible Penis 9 and I can tell you it
was delightful. This VPNI set it up super easy
and then I streamed all the matches from the local coverage
in Australia. So not only was it free, not
only did I get to see the matches I wanted to see, I also
got the charming Australian commentators and their fun local
segments on Tim Tams instead of hearing John McEnroe pronounce
Vera with three syllables for five hours straight.
So my question to you, to the good and just court, am I guilty
of anything for usurping ESPN and going with the VPN of the
VPLS? Or am I just a baddie for doing
what I got to do to see what I got to see?
A girl's got to eat. A girl's got to eat.
I mean, listen, Paul, I was personally victimized by ESPN
and like it's as bad as everybody was saying, but like
for me it was worse because I'm not a member of ESPN anything
year round. I I reserve it for slams, but I
went and did what I always do, which is sign up for ESPN plus,
which suddenly was ESPN select and that was confusing, But I
was like, I paid the money for that, which was I for I mean 15
bucks or whatever, but I was like, OK, I'm set.
But like then I went to go in and watch and I couldn't watch
it. I was like, what is going?
What is going on? And so it's like after the fact,
the fact that like I had no notification that that this was
going to be this big disruption. I'd already paid the money on
the thing that wasn't even going to get me what I needed to get.
I didn't had to go back and double dip, but it was like
super confusing because I had I had to like remove my HBO Max
subscription from my Disney bundle and add in ESPN.
It was a cluster fuck. And then this is like a nuance I
don't even know if a lot of people realize, at least at the
beginning of the tournament, they kept the stadium court
matches separate from the other ones.
So it's like they weren't all together in the navigation.
I couldn't go to just click. When I click the Australian Open
button, it didn't pull up all the matches.
It only pulled up at like I think the side court matches.
And then if I wanted to do a multi view, I couldn't put them
in. I couldn't put the matches I
wanted in the multi view. So all that being said, I feel
like you are not guilty by reason of the egregious
violation. Yeah, exactly.
Not guilty by reason of common sense of being like, I don't
think so, honey, I'm not going to go through that nonsense.
I am done with these God damn corporations just trying to
squeeze the scent out of their customers in every which way
ever. It's it's just another example
of inshitification. And it's like, no, technology is
let's make our lives easier. And now it's like I I still
couldn't tell you the rules for whatever the heck, unlimited
versus select versus what? It doesn't make any sense.
You cast your protest vote with AVPN, which honestly, thank God,
because I know that there was a lot of chatter and a lot of, you
know, a lot of, you know, angry mob chanting, you know, death to
all of them to ESPN. But the problem is they got a
boatload of money this year. So if they're just going to go
by what was profitable, this is probably they probably did
gangbusters. It's like we're all miserable.
But they probably were raking in the the dough.
Exactly. Some dingus over at McKenzie
probably got a raise because they were the ones who were like
let's do this. It's the same as the goddamn
opening week, which they had hundreds of thousands of people
in record-breaking crowds, but the crowds were miserable
because the lines were so long, because they weren't prepared
for such a rush. It's like, yes, you made money,
so you can call that a success, but it was a terrible
experience. So OK, so I have been, I am not
being punished. I think I'm actually going to be
rewarded. Well, my, my bravery and my, my
willingness to fight the good fight because there is a prize
at the end of this episode. And.
If you can call it that. Yes, So some of us are excited
about this prize. Some of us are not.
Some of us are babies who have Italian stomachs.
But So for the quarterfinal match between just Pagula and
Madison Keys, they had a bet. And if Pagula won, she's going
to have Madison Keys eat apple pie with cheddar cheese melted
on it. And Madison Keys was so
disgusted by this notion of a punishment that she could not
even stand it. I don't know if she ever
actually ate it. We'll have to tune in, but I
just so happen to have some right here in my happy home of
Ball Boys headquarters. And everybody, please later on
tune into our Splinter episode, which is Paul's apple pie ASMR
content, which is going to be a 1010 minute long video of him
eating cheesy apple pie, just leaning it, leaning in really
close to that microphone so we get every chew.
Yeah, so I just took out of my Easy Bake Oven a slice of apple
pie that I bought yesterday and some orange cheddar because it
has to be orange, just, Pagula says.
And I am going to try it live on camera on tape for everyone here
because I actually think it sounds great because I mean
cheese and apples, sweet, savory, I mean it all.
It takes a lot of boxes for me. Also might be why I'm single.
But here we go. Here's the first big bite.
I'm sorry, not so good. There is a little crunch of the
cheese that I've left it in the oven a little long, but it's
it's so good. Come on, you've had a, you've
had a fruit and cheese plate. What's that?
I'm laughing. I'm laughing at your like food
influencer reaction. Oh Oh my gosh, guys, that is so
good. You.
How? Really.
You tasted it. Well done, well done.
Listen, I, I, I get the vision, Paul is not wrong that I'm
having like a little bit of a, of a, a weak stomach moment.
Otherwise I would have partaken in this.
OK, we're going to finish the episode before I keep eating
this, but it is fucking good. I'm going to go finish my pie
and that is a euphemism because that's our show.
Matthew Coleman. I loved our vacation to
Australia together. It was so fun.
I'm not going to lock you back up until later in the clay
season. It's only for your own
protection. Any final words to your fans?
No. I think it's probably a good
idea that I'm being back in the cage for a little while because
we're about to enter the the Middle Eastern swing and I don't
want, I don't want to be arrested, no.
Not again. Not again, I don't.
Want to I don't want to say something that puts me on any
like Qatari watch list so. Not again.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna miss you. I'm very excited for our
listening audience for whoever the next ball boy or ball boy
girl is going to be when they rotate in.
But I will be back. But you'll be back, and we are
going to be back in a few weeks, as Matthew said, with a new
show, a new ball boy, as the tours start scattering all
around the globe. Until then, our balls are going
back in the can. I love you all.
Goodbye.