1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:02,280 This podcast is recorded on Catechol land. 2 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:05,520 Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:11,720 Hello and welcome to She Said What I'm your host, Alyssa 4 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,320 Harper, and this podcast is all about unpacking the chaos and 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,440 the things we've had to push through to get to where we are. 6 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,960 This is your safe space to learn from others experiences, reflect 7 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,920 and then become your most authentic self. 8 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,920 You're going to giggle, you might cry, and you're definitely 9 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,880 going to get the tea. Let's get into it. 10 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,840 Thank you to Field for sponsoring today's episode. 11 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,040 If you don't already know about Field, the Dating and 12 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,360 exploration app, then we will talk more about them later. 13 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,120 But let's get into today's episode. 14 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,560 Look, life is hard, but I hope that this makes it easier 15 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,200 because this is everything that I wish I knew sooner. 16 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,160 And if you haven't listened to episode 68 where I give you all 17 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,680 the tea on me, then go listen to that. 18 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:52,640 But until then, just so you have some context on me, these are 19 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:57,120 some things that I have done so far in my 20s, starting out with 20 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,480 building a life in Australia. I moved here seven years ago 21 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:05,040 from Canada and I love it. I love my lifestyle here and 22 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:08,200 building out a life overseas does take a lot of time and a 23 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,080 lot of effort. Creating a whole new friend 24 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,720 group, a whole new life. So that's one thing. 25 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,120 Another thing is that I left my belief system that I grew up 26 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,080 with, which again, I cover all of this a lot more deeply in 27 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,840 episode 68, if you want all the tea. 28 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,640 But I did grow up in the church and I left that which was 29 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,200 everything I knew. So that was a huge shift in my 30 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,200 life. I also came out as bisexual, 31 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,920 which if you don't know that, you probably aren't following me 32 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,000 because I am really annoying about it. 33 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,520 But that has been a huge journey for me as well. 34 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,560 And I've shifted quite a bit professionally as well too. 35 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,520 I worked in the hospitality full time for like 7 years and it 36 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,480 wasn't really like a career I was specifically going for. 37 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,040 And I shifted into doing Pilates full time. 38 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,120 And then eventually now for the last few years, I've been doing 39 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:56,520 content creation full time and I've built this audience of like 40 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,720 500,000 people, which is so crazy. 41 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,640 And I just want to thank you for being here and listening because 42 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:05,680 I love being able to do this. But yeah, I've had so much shift 43 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,240 and I wanted to do this episode because I get a lot of people 44 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:13,720 asking me for advice, which is so kind to even take my advice. 45 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,520 So thank you for that. And sometimes I will have these 46 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,960 really long conversations with people who will be sending each 47 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,720 other voice messages back and forth for like 3 days and I'll 48 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,640 chat with you guys through different things that you're 49 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:25,040 experiencing. But I obviously can't do that 50 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,480 all the time with everybody, although I would love too. 51 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,280 And that's like my favorite part of what I do. 52 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,000 But I thought I would think of all the things that are kind of 53 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:35,760 like the seemingly core issues and really just take some time 54 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,960 to speak on those things in particular. 55 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,760 So let's just start out. We're going to be talking from 56 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,120 self to relationships to friendships and starting with 57 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:46,760 self. Do things you are scared of 58 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,800 often. Put yourself out there often. 59 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,280 I think if you are living in your comfort zone, going and 60 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,440 doing something that is out of your comfort zone feels that 61 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,800 much harder. And it's really like a muscle 62 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,000 that we want to be exercising constantly. 63 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,160 And I know that doesn't sound really fun, but I promise you it 64 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:09,240 is worth it because when an opportunity comes up that feels 65 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,880 scary, you already have the self belief that I'm someone who can 66 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,560 do something scary. I can do it scared. 67 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:19,160 So definitely make an effort to put yourself out there and do 68 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:23,720 things scary and do it often. Your fear of what people think 69 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:28,120 of you is dampening your joy. It is truly stopping you from 70 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,000 living the life that you've always wanted to live. 71 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,120 And I want you to challenge this daily, even with like small 72 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:36,800 things like what you wear, how you share your art and who you 73 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,280 share it with, how you bring ideas forward at work. 74 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:45,440 Challenge it and make sure that you are not scared to look dumb 75 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,960 or look like you don't have all the information because we have 76 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,400 so much to give, we have so much value and we often tell 77 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,480 ourselves so short. You will be miserable living 78 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,720 your life for the approval of others. 79 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,360 And I have had to learn this the hard way, sticking in 80 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:07,360 relationships for too long, telling people I was still into 81 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:11,200 the church when I wasn't. It was something that I'd really 82 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,800 needed to learn when I was young and when I was in my 20s. 83 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,079 And I'm so grateful that I have learned it so young because now 84 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:21,839 I'm in a place where if people don't approve of me or if I lose 85 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:26,480 the love or the, I guess, attention even from people in my 86 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,040 life because I'm doing things that they don't love, I'm OK 87 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,880 with that. I'm OK to live the life that I 88 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,160 know I want to live. And as much as you want to 89 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,120 listen to the people around you in having conversations asking 90 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,840 for advice, you also have to trust your gut. 91 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,440 At the end of the day, another one you've changed is a 92 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,800 compliment if you love your life so much more now. 93 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:53,800 I actually once had an ex just after we broke up be like, you 94 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,720 changed. It was like this whole thing, 95 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,560 like, you aren't who you used to be. 96 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:01,840 And I used to want to say like, yeah, like, good. 97 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:05,400 I'm so happy I've changed. I've needed change and you 98 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,000 haven't. And it shows. 99 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,880 And I'm sorry, but that's something that I really will 100 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,840 take as a compliment. Now, the craziest thing is this 101 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:17,240 same ex said it a year later but meant it as a compliment. 102 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:21,960 So I was like, OK, I've definitely learned that changing 103 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,080 is good and if you don't fit into your old life, that's OK. 104 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:30,480 Another one is nothing changes if nothing changes if you keep 105 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,400 finding yourself in the same position day after day being 106 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,280 like, I just hate my life and like, I hate that I haven't been 107 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:40,480 working out or I hate that I haven't been seeing my friends. 108 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,400 I'm just sitting at home. You have to do something to get 109 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,680 out of that. And I've had to tell myself this 110 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,520 over and over again. Nothing changes if nothing 111 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:49,920 changes. Like I literally am hearing it 112 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:53,080 in I had all the time. Anytime I complain about myself 113 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,960 to myself, I got to step in. Like someone's going to step in 114 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,640 and it's going to be me. So I definitely see what has to 115 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,720 happen, see what has to change and create a bit of a plan so 116 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,760 that you don't keep finding yourself in that position. 117 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,320 Another one leaving your hometown will change the whole 118 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,920 trajectory of your life. Absolutely. 119 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:16,200 I say this to everyone I meet. It was the best thing I ever did 120 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,640 for myself. And I understand that there are 121 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,120 certain people who would never leave their community or never 122 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,280 want to leave their family or whatever. 123 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,480 And I completely get that. I'm not even saying you have to 124 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,040 move overseas and completely leave forever, but go somewhere 125 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,480 for six months if you can. It will give you so much of A 126 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:37,000 better grasp and understanding of the world, of different types 127 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:42,080 of people, of travel, what it looks like to be in a new space 128 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:46,480 and to be able to almost create your new version of yourself 129 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,080 with these influences around you. 130 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,320 And as much as you'll always, you know, be who you are in 131 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:56,200 essence, it's like you get to go and be changed by people around 132 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,880 you and the things around you. And that is such a beautiful 133 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,880 thing. Celebrate the hell out of your 134 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,440 winds. If you are someone who has 135 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,880 anxiety or you have depression or you just experience that from 136 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:11,400 time to time, it's so easy to focus on the negatives. 137 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:15,240 It's so easy to listen to the voice in your head that is 138 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,360 telling you that you aren't good enough and you're not doing 139 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,960 enough. Oh my God, Like, I have that all 140 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,080 the time and it's so hard. But something that genuinely has 141 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,800 really helped me is taking time to be like, wait a second. 142 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:32,360 I did actually do this, this, this and this in this month so 143 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,080 far. And those are things that I told 144 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,840 myself I wanted to do. And I actually will keep a 145 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,160 journal. This might sound kind of cringe, 146 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:43,000 but I keep a journal of things that I am just proud of, like 147 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,680 accomplishments I'm proud of. And it means that if I'm ever 148 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,080 feeling really down on myself, I can just go and look at it and 149 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,160 be like, no, you know what? You are that bitch and it's all 150 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,960 going to be OK. Another one, if you have a 151 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:59,000 menstrual cycle, learning about it will change your life. 152 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,640 I have episodes about this. You can go find it in any 153 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,600 episode that I mentioned today. I'll pop in the description for 154 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,000 you guys. But it has given me so much 155 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,240 grace for myself, especially in my Ludio phase. 156 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,480 It has helped me to plan my life better, to do things where I 157 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:18,400 need to be outgoing and social when I'm ovulating. 158 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,120 It has helped me to learn how to regulate myself leading up to my 159 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:26,080 period, how to be on my period. Like there is so much about it. 160 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,240 And I think cycle sinking is such a beautiful practice. 161 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,360 And it's one of those things that once you do it, you're 162 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,400 like, how the hell was I living my life before this? 163 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:38,360 Like, how was I OK? I felt so in the dark. 164 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,240 So look into it and definitely watch my episodes on that if you 165 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,159 want to learn more about cycle syncing. 166 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:48,320 Another one, explore your sexuality without having to put 167 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,720 a label on it. I went through such a season, as 168 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,800 you guys know, when it comes to coming out bisexual. 169 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,840 And it was so hard for me. And I did actually end up 170 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,720 finding that label. And I liked that label. 171 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,720 But it's not something you have to do. 172 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:05,800 You can go and to have experiences and open yourself up 173 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:10,400 to a world of queerness without saying that that's what you're 174 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,360 going to definitely be forever. And then having this doomsday 175 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,160 feeling about, but what about this? 176 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,000 What about my family? What about what this person's 177 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,880 going to think? How is it going to fit into this 178 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:22,640 part of my life? Just relax and just know that 179 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:27,000 you can explore without feeling like now I'm suddenly gay. 180 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,960 You know what I mean? That's how I think I felt when I 181 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,000 was going through it. And if you want to check out 182 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,000 episode 54, actually how I realized I wasn't straight, that 183 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,160 one that could be helpful for you. 184 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,520 And also episode 65, how to become confident in your 185 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:43,400 sexuality. Get as comfortable as you can, 186 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,720 making mistakes and taking risks. 187 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:50,960 If we are so stuck and but is this the right thing? 188 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,360 Am I, am I sure? Do I know you're not going to 189 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:58,400 know, like you're never going to know if you don't go and try to 190 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,240 do new things and see what's good for you. 191 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,880 And there's been so many things that I have gone into thinking 192 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,640 it was going to be really great and it was not OK. 193 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,280 But then there are also things that I, I really don't expect 194 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,240 myself to like or even be good at. 195 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,560 And then I'm delightfully surprised. 196 00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:19,400 And then we have 1A listener advice, which is every time you 197 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:23,080 judge someone, you reveal a part of you that needs healing, 198 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,280 period. Absolutely. 199 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,360 I actually saw this TikTok the other day, this girl, and she 200 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,760 said, if I did that, I would have done it so much better. 201 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,160 But the point is that I didn't do it in the first place. 202 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,400 And I was like, oh, like, yeah, girl. 203 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:40,280 Like I I see that because it's so easy to look at someone to be 204 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,680 like, Oh my God, if I did that, you could only imagine how good 205 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,800 it would have been and how cool it would look. 206 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:47,920 This person did it in the first place. 207 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:52,880 So until you do something like that, you can't fully critique 208 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,240 it. And it probably means that 209 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,800 there's a part of you that's frustrated by the fact that you 210 00:10:56,800 --> 00:11:00,000 didn't do it. So focus on you and not judging 211 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,360 other people. And I will say as well, I do 212 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,440 have another episode. I keep just telling you about my 213 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,720 other episodes because this is kind of everything in one guys, 214 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,160 but about judging people. And it really does deep dive 215 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,360 into this. And when I actually sat with 216 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,600 this for the first time properly, it changed my life 217 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,960 because I also realized that the more I judge other people, the 218 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,720 more I judge myself. Like if I'm constantly in this 219 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,880 brain that recognizes negative things about other people when I 220 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,760 look at myself, I'm going to do the same. 221 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,800 So even if you need to do it from a selfish point of view, 222 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,880 try not to judge people as much. All right, Maybe just for one 223 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:33,640 day. OK, let's talk about 224 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,600 relationships. I love talking about 225 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:40,400 relationships, as you guys know, starting out with who you date 226 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:45,040 long term or even marry. Oh my gosh, it really matters. 227 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,480 It really matters because this is the person that is going to 228 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:52,120 go with you through so many tough seasons of your life. 229 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:57,760 Like whether it's family passing away or losing a job or whatever 230 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,280 it is, that's the kind of person that's going to hold you through 231 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,760 it. Like that is your person who's 232 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,280 going to hold you through those moments. 233 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:07,240 So do you feel like that person that you are now with 234 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:10,320 potentially is the person who's going to be able to do that well 235 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,280 for you? Another question you can ask 236 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,040 yourself is if someone came up to you and they were like, wow, 237 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,440 you're so much like your partner. 238 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,360 Would you take that as a compliment if you were to be 239 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:24,000 like, what do you mean by that? Then probably not a good 240 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,040 situation to be in. So ask yourself that this week. 241 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,320 OK. Another thing about 242 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:32,000 relationships is do the work now before your unresolved trauma 243 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,520 trickles through the rest of your life and all of your other 244 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,840 relationships. I think it's really tough when 245 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,480 someone gets into a relationship with somebody and they are 246 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,760 already so hurt from previous relationships, especially around 247 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,280 trust. This is really common. 248 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,480 And then they act like their new partner needs to work really 249 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,520 hard to gain their trust. And I'm not saying you need to 250 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,320 trust someone straight away, but you need to make sure you're at 251 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,640 a place where you're not acting like they've already done the 252 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,360 wrong thing. Another thing is we can allow 253 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:05,080 poor behavior in our relationships if we grew up with 254 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,680 say, like an unstable parent who we kind of needed to 255 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,360 disassociate their negative traits. 256 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,920 We needed to disassociate away from them because we don't know 257 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:18,280 how to feel loved by that person while knowing that they aren't 258 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,320 actually the best to us. So it's really important to not 259 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,120 let that trickle into your relationships just because 260 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,400 that's what was shown to you growing up. 261 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,000 A good relationship will make you a better person. 262 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:34,880 A good relationship will act as a mirror to show you what you 263 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,040 need to work on. And I think my partner does a 264 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,640 really good job of this on the regular. 265 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:45,720 Kindly God bless him, telling me the things that I need to work 266 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,160 on and the things that I might say that can be hurtful. 267 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,440 It's really important for me to step back and to go, oh, wow, 268 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:56,160 the way I said that, if he said that to me, like I would go 269 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,880 like, Oh my God. So now we have to step back and 270 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,520 go, OK, what can I do? What can I do? 271 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:05,320 And I think when someone teaches you more about yourself, that is 272 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,200 such a beautiful gift. And we have some listener 273 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,120 advice. Don't settle for stable, 274 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,960 mediocre love. Oh my God. 275 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:19,720 Yeah, because sure, it's stable. Sure, you love the person. 276 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,800 Like you would never say you don't love them, but do you feel 277 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,200 like this is someone that you are excited to live your life 278 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,360 with? Like, I think it's really 279 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,880 important to really want to spend time with that person and 280 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:33,200 to want to build a life that is exciting and to really feel like 281 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:34,840 they're on the same page as well. 282 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:39,360 So if things are feeling kind of mediocre, might be time to move 283 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:40,080 on. Girl. 284 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,520 Before we get into some friendship advice and since 285 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,000 we've just been talking all about relationships, I want to 286 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,240 share with you something that you can use not just to meet 287 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,800 others, but to meet yourself too. 288 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,440 Let me introduce you to Reflections, a self discovery 289 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,400 tool made by Field, a dating app for the curious. 290 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,800 And I've spoken about Field so many times before, but if you 291 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,960 don't know about them yet, it's truly the dating app for people 292 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,520 tired of dating apps with the ability to say yes or no to 293 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,960 potential matches without the swipe culture of having to 294 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,720 choose right now makes the experience so much more fun. 295 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,240 And even other features like if you have something you only want 296 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,320 to say to the people that you like, you can write a hidden 297 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,120 bio, which will only be revealed once you've connected. 298 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,440 And the people on Field are straight up like super clear 299 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,200 about their desires, which can include anything from BDSM to 300 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,520 friendship. So you've got a lot to work 301 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:27,160 with. Field is for the people craving 302 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,520 deeper connection and for people wanting to really know 303 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,720 themselves because at Field they believe understanding yourself 304 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,600 better means connecting with others easier. 305 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,120 So let's talk about reflections, which I really enjoyed. 306 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,160 I found the layout to be very pleasing and it's such a fun way 307 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,000 to get to know yourself and to explore some deeper questions 308 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,920 like what are my actual boundaries? 309 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,280 What type of relationship do I actually want? 310 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,640 What do I deeply desire? So when I use reflections, this 311 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,560 is what I learned about myself. First of all, knowing what you 312 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,600 don't desire is just as important as knowing what you 313 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,320 do. And we can find that out the 314 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,640 hard way by living through it, which trust me, I've been there. 315 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,920 Or we can ask ourselves these questions now so we know what 316 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,120 our real deal Breakers are. If we don't do this, what 317 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,080 happens is maybe we'll be seeing someone for a little bit and 318 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,040 then we'll notice something that we're not super excited about in 319 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,600 that partner. But so many other factors play 320 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,760 into our desire for them that we ignore the issue until it 321 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,120 becomes a real problem. For example, you might deeply 322 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,920 desire someone who is outgoing and love spontaneity, but then 323 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,440 you're a few months in and your person never wants to join you 324 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:34,600 when you go out, which can make you feel unwanted or abandoned. 325 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,360 And maybe you don't want someone who goes out heaps and loves to 326 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,680 party. Maybe you're not into the 327 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:43,880 crowded spaces and loud music and that's OK, but now you're 328 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,760 stuck at home alone all the time, worried that your partner 329 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,200 would prefer someone who enjoys that lifestyle. 330 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,360 OK, all I'm saying is that if you have the language to say 331 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,120 what you want, then you're that much closer to getting it. 332 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,400 And it goes both ways. If you know what you don't want, 333 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,600 you're less likely to experience heartbreak simply because you 334 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,599 are now more intentional in the 1st place about who you're 335 00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:06,400 connecting with. Another one is that there's 336 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,240 often such a difference in what you like to receive and what you 337 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:10,960 like to give. Like for example, you might love 338 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:14,480 the idea of being blindfolded, but not blindfolding somebody 339 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,400 else, and that can show up in so many different ways. 340 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,599 Another one is we often approach stagnant long term sexual 341 00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:25,200 relationships by only focusing on sex as being the issue when 342 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,200 we should really be thinking about what turns people on in 343 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,960 the 1st place. And for me, romanticism was the 344 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,360 most important thing. So I really did learn something 345 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,200 about myself. I found myself in long term 346 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,440 relationships for for for sure where the desire definitely 347 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,440 dwindled and I thought the problem was the sex, whereas I 348 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:46,120 should have been looking at the relationship more holistically. 349 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:50,000 And doing this reflection really solidified that learning for me. 350 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,360 I also learned that as much as I have been in an open 351 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:55,520 relationship, it doesn't mean that I'm polyamorous or the type 352 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,200 of person who needs or even wants that going forward. 353 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,400 And I already know that if I did this two years ago, my answers 354 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,120 would have been completely different. 355 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,920 And that's really cool. Like it's such a good practice 356 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,200 to get a pulse check on where you're at. 357 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,240 Overall, I know you guys are going to love it. 358 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,480 And you can use reflections again and again, which is 359 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,920 necessary when we are constantly becoming and changing. 360 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,640 You can try reflections by downloading the app field that's 361 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:22,800 fee LD on the App Store or Google Play or on their website 362 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,320 at field.co/reflections. Now let's move on to 363 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,440 friendships. I feel like there's so much to 364 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:33,640 be said but I want to start with make friends that genuinely want 365 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,720 to celebrate you. I really believe that jealousy 366 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:40,520 kills connection and if you're ever sat with someone and you 367 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,440 feel like you can't share the positive things in your life 368 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,200 then it's probably not someone that wants the best for you. 369 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:51,440 And I know, at least for me personally, I only want to be 370 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,760 friends with the kind of people that would bring me up in a room 371 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,840 of people that they know could be really great for me or only 372 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:03,040 speak positively about me when they're out and about. 373 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:07,000 I want to know that someone is going to support me. 374 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,440 And I don't have to feel embarrassed for things not going 375 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:13,960 well when they don't go well, but that'll also be supported in 376 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,040 that. And if you have someone that's 377 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:20,320 constantly making you feel like you need to hide things because 378 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,600 they're having a hard time, that can be really challenging. 379 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:27,400 And as much as you want to be mindful of maybe where someone's 380 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,560 at, like say you come home and your friends are sitting on the 381 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,480 couch having a breakdown. You're not going to be like, 382 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,520 guess who got a pay raise? But you can say things 383 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,800 eventually in the right timing and hopefully get the support in 384 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:41,560 the celebration that you deserve. 385 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,880 Because like we talked about earlier, we want to focus on the 386 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,680 positive. We want to celebrate the hell 387 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,960 out of our wins so that we can know that we're the type of 388 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,560 people who win. The price of community is 389 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,520 inconvenience. And I'm sure you've heard this 390 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:59,320 before, but I feel this deep, deep down because I'm such a 391 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,640 homebody. Sometimes I have so many moments 392 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,240 where I'm like, I just don't want to leave my house. 393 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:07,640 Like especially in the winter when it's dark and I'm on my 394 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,760 couch and I'm watching Netflix, I'm watching Richardton. 395 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:11,960 I'm like, Oh my God, what do you mean? 396 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,680 I have to stand up right now and go stand in front of like my 397 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,800 lights and do my makeup and then get an Uber and then go and like 398 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,520 drink and I'm like, no. Like I completely get it, but 399 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:25,880 sometimes we have to push ourselves and not cancel on our 400 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,000 friends. OK, which I don't do anymore. 401 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,800 God bless. But I definitely had a season of 402 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,840 that. Be the kind of person who shows 403 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:35,120 up and is excited to see your friend and makes an effort. 404 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:40,520 Like we really have to not hold back the quality of our 405 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,960 friendships because we aren't spending enough time together. 406 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,360 So if it's inconvenient, girl, just go, OK, you're going to 407 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:51,080 have fun anyways. Friends come and go and that's 408 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,480 OK. That's OK. 409 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,120 Some friends are just for a season. 410 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,080 And of course you want to have some beautiful long term 411 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,200 friendships where you just feel like that person gets you and 412 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,640 they've seen you through so many seasons. 413 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:05,320 And yes, that's so important. But you don't have to cling on 414 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:09,440 to your friends as if they make you who you are. 415 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,800 You are who you are on your own and your friends, friends 416 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,200 beautifully amplify that and you get to love and enjoy their 417 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,080 time. And it's a beautiful thing. 418 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:22,760 But don't be scared of shifts. And I recently have actually had 419 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,000 a pretty big friendship breakup. And one of my best friends 420 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,200 actually had one as well too. And her and I were talking about 421 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,400 it. And it's really hard when you go 422 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,800 through a friendship breakup because you don't realize how 423 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:38,560 much you identify sometimes with somebody or how much you spend 424 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:42,080 so much time with somebody and it can literally feel like a 425 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,000 breakup break up. So be gentle with yourself in 426 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,960 those seasons and just know that it's OK to have some seasons 427 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,720 where you might feel a little bit more lonely or out of place 428 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:55,040 or like there is a shift. And the best thing you can do 429 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,280 for yourself is to try to connect with new people, make 430 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,960 new friendships, or even go a little bit deeper into 431 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,760 friendships that you already have. 432 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:08,320 We all want friends and we all need community, but it's best to 433 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,000 move on from situations when they are toxic and that's 434 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,640 completely OK to do. OK. 435 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,960 And we have some listener advice as well. 436 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,320 Quality over quantity, which is what we were just talking about 437 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,880 because yeah, quantity great. Good to have lots of people 438 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,080 around you. Really fun for like, I don't 439 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:28,680 know your birthday party. But other than that, like you 440 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:32,000 kind of want to focus on having people that are really in your 441 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,840 corner. Like I would so much rather have 442 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,600 like 3 to 5 really close friends that I could call crying if I 443 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,000 needed to instead of a friend group of like 20 people where 444 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,600 everyone kind of gets with each other. 445 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,760 And it's like, you know, something I'd really focus on is 446 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:48,600 just honing in on who are your people? 447 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,960 Who is my tribe? And if that even means sitting 448 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,920 down and writing out their names and thinking when am I going to 449 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,840 see them in the next month. Do it, plan it, be intentional. 450 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,800 Like if you want to live the kind of life that you deserve, 451 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,480 you should be intentional about how you're filling your time. 452 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,240 So reach out to those good friends. 453 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:09,080 Another listener advice, when people show you who they are, 454 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,840 believe them. I will leave them because people 455 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,800 will show you. At the end of the day, people 456 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,160 will absolutely show you where they have their faults and 457 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,320 everyone has their faults. And I'm not saying to just cut 458 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,920 people off or be brutal based off of someone going through a 459 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,960 season or anything like that, but it's really important to 460 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:28,960 trust your gut. It's really important to trust 461 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,200 your gut on people and if you feel like you're friends with 462 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,040 them, hoping that they just prove that gut feeling wrong. 463 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,600 I reckon it's going to come out eventually. 464 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,600 And I've seen it quite a few times. 465 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:45,360 And our last listener advice is that the actions of others speak 466 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:48,560 for themselves, not for me and my worth. 467 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,760 And I think that's really important because people go 468 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:55,560 through stuff and sometimes they don't show up in the ways that 469 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,680 you expect them to, in the ways that you want them to. 470 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:03,720 And it's completely fine to move on for something that's not good 471 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,480 for you. And to know that it doesn't mean 472 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,240 that you're a bad person or you're a bad friend. 473 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,960 Like when I went through that big friendship breakup, like, 474 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,280 you know, like I said, not that long ago, even I did have a big 475 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:19,000 moment where I was like, Oh my gosh, like, what does this mean 476 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,560 about me? Like am IA bad friend? 477 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,880 Am I not fun to be around? Like I really started 478 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,760 questioning all these things about myself. 479 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:27,400 And thank God for one of my other friends who we had to chat 480 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:29,320 about it. And she was like, no, Oh my 481 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,440 goodness, how could you ever think that about yourself? 482 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,560 And I was able to like, oh, you know, get away from those 483 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,080 negative thoughts. But their actions are their 484 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,280 actions. And it doesn't mean that you are 485 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,560 not a good person. The other thing too is we can't 486 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,040 take things personally all the time. 487 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:47,560 Sometimes their actions and I quote are just them not texting 488 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,960 you back for a while or it's just you double texting, trying 489 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,120 to make plans and them saying no both times. 490 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,120 That doesn't mean that they're purposely not trying to hang out 491 00:24:56,120 --> 00:25:00,800 with you or they hate you, OK? It just means that maybe you say 492 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,120 something on the third time you say, hey, I've really been 493 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:04,920 trying to connect with you or like I really wanted to hang 494 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:05,880 out. Like what's going on with you? 495 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,240 Are you really busy? Just something to touch base so 496 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,720 you can actually get a clear response from them on how you're 497 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,000 feeling in the relationship and how they're feeling. 498 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,360 So I know that was a lot. I know we covered a lot, but I 499 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,400 hope that you got something out of today's episode. 500 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:21,400 Thank you as always so much for listening and thanks again to 501 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,520 our sponsor field. Don't forget to check out 502 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,640 reflections and I love you guys. I'll see you soon. 503 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,320 Bye. Quick before you go, if you want 504 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,480 to have a say in future episodes and you want to hear more from 505 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,040 me, you can follow me at Alyssa Taylor Harper on Instagram and 506 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:38,160 TikTok, which will also be LinkedIn the description. 507 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,600 Also don't forget to subscribe or follow wherever you're 508 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,360 listening from so you never miss an episode. 509 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,920 If you'd be so kind to leave a review, it helps more people 510 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,640 like you tune in. Or maybe you want to share it 511 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,440 with a friend who needs to hear more chats like this. 512 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,720 Love you lots and I'll catch you next time.