This podcast is recorded on Catechol land.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal land.
Hello and welcome to She Said What I'm your host, Alyssa
Harper, and this podcast is all about unpacking the chaos and
the things we've had to push through to get to where we are.
This is your safe space to learn from others experiences, reflect
and then become your most authentic self.
You're going to giggle, you might cry, and you're definitely
going to get the tea. Let's get into it.
Thank you to Field for sponsoring today's episode.
If you don't already know about Field, the Dating and
exploration app, then we will talk more about them later.
But let's get into today's episode.
Look, life is hard, but I hope that this makes it easier
because this is everything that I wish I knew sooner.
And if you haven't listened to episode 68 where I give you all
the tea on me, then go listen to that.
But until then, just so you have some context on me, these are
some things that I have done so far in my 20s, starting out with
building a life in Australia. I moved here seven years ago
from Canada and I love it. I love my lifestyle here and
building out a life overseas does take a lot of time and a
lot of effort. Creating a whole new friend
group, a whole new life. So that's one thing.
Another thing is that I left my belief system that I grew up
with, which again, I cover all of this a lot more deeply in
episode 68, if you want all the tea.
But I did grow up in the church and I left that which was
everything I knew. So that was a huge shift in my
life. I also came out as bisexual,
which if you don't know that, you probably aren't following me
because I am really annoying about it.
But that has been a huge journey for me as well.
And I've shifted quite a bit professionally as well too.
I worked in the hospitality full time for like 7 years and it
wasn't really like a career I was specifically going for.
And I shifted into doing Pilates full time.
And then eventually now for the last few years, I've been doing
content creation full time and I've built this audience of like
500,000 people, which is so crazy.
And I just want to thank you for being here and listening because
I love being able to do this. But yeah, I've had so much shift
and I wanted to do this episode because I get a lot of people
asking me for advice, which is so kind to even take my advice.
So thank you for that. And sometimes I will have these
really long conversations with people who will be sending each
other voice messages back and forth for like 3 days and I'll
chat with you guys through different things that you're
experiencing. But I obviously can't do that
all the time with everybody, although I would love too.
And that's like my favorite part of what I do.
But I thought I would think of all the things that are kind of
like the seemingly core issues and really just take some time
to speak on those things in particular.
So let's just start out. We're going to be talking from
self to relationships to friendships and starting with
self. Do things you are scared of
often. Put yourself out there often.
I think if you are living in your comfort zone, going and
doing something that is out of your comfort zone feels that
much harder. And it's really like a muscle
that we want to be exercising constantly.
And I know that doesn't sound really fun, but I promise you it
is worth it because when an opportunity comes up that feels
scary, you already have the self belief that I'm someone who can
do something scary. I can do it scared.
So definitely make an effort to put yourself out there and do
things scary and do it often. Your fear of what people think
of you is dampening your joy. It is truly stopping you from
living the life that you've always wanted to live.
And I want you to challenge this daily, even with like small
things like what you wear, how you share your art and who you
share it with, how you bring ideas forward at work.
Challenge it and make sure that you are not scared to look dumb
or look like you don't have all the information because we have
so much to give, we have so much value and we often tell
ourselves so short. You will be miserable living
your life for the approval of others.
And I have had to learn this the hard way, sticking in
relationships for too long, telling people I was still into
the church when I wasn't. It was something that I'd really
needed to learn when I was young and when I was in my 20s.
And I'm so grateful that I have learned it so young because now
I'm in a place where if people don't approve of me or if I lose
the love or the, I guess, attention even from people in my
life because I'm doing things that they don't love, I'm OK
with that. I'm OK to live the life that I
know I want to live. And as much as you want to
listen to the people around you in having conversations asking
for advice, you also have to trust your gut.
At the end of the day, another one you've changed is a
compliment if you love your life so much more now.
I actually once had an ex just after we broke up be like, you
changed. It was like this whole thing,
like, you aren't who you used to be.
And I used to want to say like, yeah, like, good.
I'm so happy I've changed. I've needed change and you
haven't. And it shows.
And I'm sorry, but that's something that I really will
take as a compliment. Now, the craziest thing is this
same ex said it a year later but meant it as a compliment.
So I was like, OK, I've definitely learned that changing
is good and if you don't fit into your old life, that's OK.
Another one is nothing changes if nothing changes if you keep
finding yourself in the same position day after day being
like, I just hate my life and like, I hate that I haven't been
working out or I hate that I haven't been seeing my friends.
I'm just sitting at home. You have to do something to get
out of that. And I've had to tell myself this
over and over again. Nothing changes if nothing
changes. Like I literally am hearing it
in I had all the time. Anytime I complain about myself
to myself, I got to step in. Like someone's going to step in
and it's going to be me. So I definitely see what has to
happen, see what has to change and create a bit of a plan so
that you don't keep finding yourself in that position.
Another one leaving your hometown will change the whole
trajectory of your life. Absolutely.
I say this to everyone I meet. It was the best thing I ever did
for myself. And I understand that there are
certain people who would never leave their community or never
want to leave their family or whatever.
And I completely get that. I'm not even saying you have to
move overseas and completely leave forever, but go somewhere
for six months if you can. It will give you so much of A
better grasp and understanding of the world, of different types
of people, of travel, what it looks like to be in a new space
and to be able to almost create your new version of yourself
with these influences around you.
And as much as you'll always, you know, be who you are in
essence, it's like you get to go and be changed by people around
you and the things around you. And that is such a beautiful
thing. Celebrate the hell out of your
winds. If you are someone who has
anxiety or you have depression or you just experience that from
time to time, it's so easy to focus on the negatives.
It's so easy to listen to the voice in your head that is
telling you that you aren't good enough and you're not doing
enough. Oh my God, Like, I have that all
the time and it's so hard. But something that genuinely has
really helped me is taking time to be like, wait a second.
I did actually do this, this, this and this in this month so
far. And those are things that I told
myself I wanted to do. And I actually will keep a
journal. This might sound kind of cringe,
but I keep a journal of things that I am just proud of, like
accomplishments I'm proud of. And it means that if I'm ever
feeling really down on myself, I can just go and look at it and
be like, no, you know what? You are that bitch and it's all
going to be OK. Another one, if you have a
menstrual cycle, learning about it will change your life.
I have episodes about this. You can go find it in any
episode that I mentioned today. I'll pop in the description for
you guys. But it has given me so much
grace for myself, especially in my Ludio phase.
It has helped me to plan my life better, to do things where I
need to be outgoing and social when I'm ovulating.
It has helped me to learn how to regulate myself leading up to my
period, how to be on my period. Like there is so much about it.
And I think cycle sinking is such a beautiful practice.
And it's one of those things that once you do it, you're
like, how the hell was I living my life before this?
Like, how was I OK? I felt so in the dark.
So look into it and definitely watch my episodes on that if you
want to learn more about cycle syncing.
Another one, explore your sexuality without having to put
a label on it. I went through such a season, as
you guys know, when it comes to coming out bisexual.
And it was so hard for me. And I did actually end up
finding that label. And I liked that label.
But it's not something you have to do.
You can go and to have experiences and open yourself up
to a world of queerness without saying that that's what you're
going to definitely be forever. And then having this doomsday
feeling about, but what about this?
What about my family? What about what this person's
going to think? How is it going to fit into this
part of my life? Just relax and just know that
you can explore without feeling like now I'm suddenly gay.
You know what I mean? That's how I think I felt when I
was going through it. And if you want to check out
episode 54, actually how I realized I wasn't straight, that
one that could be helpful for you.
And also episode 65, how to become confident in your
sexuality. Get as comfortable as you can,
making mistakes and taking risks.
If we are so stuck and but is this the right thing?
Am I, am I sure? Do I know you're not going to
know, like you're never going to know if you don't go and try to
do new things and see what's good for you.
And there's been so many things that I have gone into thinking
it was going to be really great and it was not OK.
But then there are also things that I, I really don't expect
myself to like or even be good at.
And then I'm delightfully surprised.
And then we have 1A listener advice, which is every time you
judge someone, you reveal a part of you that needs healing,
period. Absolutely.
I actually saw this TikTok the other day, this girl, and she
said, if I did that, I would have done it so much better.
But the point is that I didn't do it in the first place.
And I was like, oh, like, yeah, girl.
Like I I see that because it's so easy to look at someone to be
like, Oh my God, if I did that, you could only imagine how good
it would have been and how cool it would look.
This person did it in the first place.
So until you do something like that, you can't fully critique
it. And it probably means that
there's a part of you that's frustrated by the fact that you
didn't do it. So focus on you and not judging
other people. And I will say as well, I do
have another episode. I keep just telling you about my
other episodes because this is kind of everything in one guys,
but about judging people. And it really does deep dive
into this. And when I actually sat with
this for the first time properly, it changed my life
because I also realized that the more I judge other people, the
more I judge myself. Like if I'm constantly in this
brain that recognizes negative things about other people when I
look at myself, I'm going to do the same.
So even if you need to do it from a selfish point of view,
try not to judge people as much. All right, Maybe just for one
day. OK, let's talk about
relationships. I love talking about
relationships, as you guys know, starting out with who you date
long term or even marry. Oh my gosh, it really matters.
It really matters because this is the person that is going to
go with you through so many tough seasons of your life.
Like whether it's family passing away or losing a job or whatever
it is, that's the kind of person that's going to hold you through
it. Like that is your person who's
going to hold you through those moments.
So do you feel like that person that you are now with
potentially is the person who's going to be able to do that well
for you? Another question you can ask
yourself is if someone came up to you and they were like, wow,
you're so much like your partner.
Would you take that as a compliment if you were to be
like, what do you mean by that? Then probably not a good
situation to be in. So ask yourself that this week.
OK. Another thing about
relationships is do the work now before your unresolved trauma
trickles through the rest of your life and all of your other
relationships. I think it's really tough when
someone gets into a relationship with somebody and they are
already so hurt from previous relationships, especially around
trust. This is really common.
And then they act like their new partner needs to work really
hard to gain their trust. And I'm not saying you need to
trust someone straight away, but you need to make sure you're at
a place where you're not acting like they've already done the
wrong thing. Another thing is we can allow
poor behavior in our relationships if we grew up with
say, like an unstable parent who we kind of needed to
disassociate their negative traits.
We needed to disassociate away from them because we don't know
how to feel loved by that person while knowing that they aren't
actually the best to us. So it's really important to not
let that trickle into your relationships just because
that's what was shown to you growing up.
A good relationship will make you a better person.
A good relationship will act as a mirror to show you what you
need to work on. And I think my partner does a
really good job of this on the regular.
Kindly God bless him, telling me the things that I need to work
on and the things that I might say that can be hurtful.
It's really important for me to step back and to go, oh, wow,
the way I said that, if he said that to me, like I would go
like, Oh my God. So now we have to step back and
go, OK, what can I do? What can I do?
And I think when someone teaches you more about yourself, that is
such a beautiful gift. And we have some listener
advice. Don't settle for stable,
mediocre love. Oh my God.
Yeah, because sure, it's stable. Sure, you love the person.
Like you would never say you don't love them, but do you feel
like this is someone that you are excited to live your life
with? Like, I think it's really
important to really want to spend time with that person and
to want to build a life that is exciting and to really feel like
they're on the same page as well.
So if things are feeling kind of mediocre, might be time to move
on. Girl.
Before we get into some friendship advice and since
we've just been talking all about relationships, I want to
share with you something that you can use not just to meet
others, but to meet yourself too.
Let me introduce you to Reflections, a self discovery
tool made by Field, a dating app for the curious.
And I've spoken about Field so many times before, but if you
don't know about them yet, it's truly the dating app for people
tired of dating apps with the ability to say yes or no to
potential matches without the swipe culture of having to
choose right now makes the experience so much more fun.
And even other features like if you have something you only want
to say to the people that you like, you can write a hidden
bio, which will only be revealed once you've connected.
And the people on Field are straight up like super clear
about their desires, which can include anything from BDSM to
friendship. So you've got a lot to work
with. Field is for the people craving
deeper connection and for people wanting to really know
themselves because at Field they believe understanding yourself
better means connecting with others easier.
So let's talk about reflections, which I really enjoyed.
I found the layout to be very pleasing and it's such a fun way
to get to know yourself and to explore some deeper questions
like what are my actual boundaries?
What type of relationship do I actually want?
What do I deeply desire? So when I use reflections, this
is what I learned about myself. First of all, knowing what you
don't desire is just as important as knowing what you
do. And we can find that out the
hard way by living through it, which trust me, I've been there.
Or we can ask ourselves these questions now so we know what
our real deal Breakers are. If we don't do this, what
happens is maybe we'll be seeing someone for a little bit and
then we'll notice something that we're not super excited about in
that partner. But so many other factors play
into our desire for them that we ignore the issue until it
becomes a real problem. For example, you might deeply
desire someone who is outgoing and love spontaneity, but then
you're a few months in and your person never wants to join you
when you go out, which can make you feel unwanted or abandoned.
And maybe you don't want someone who goes out heaps and loves to
party. Maybe you're not into the
crowded spaces and loud music and that's OK, but now you're
stuck at home alone all the time, worried that your partner
would prefer someone who enjoys that lifestyle.
OK, all I'm saying is that if you have the language to say
what you want, then you're that much closer to getting it.
And it goes both ways. If you know what you don't want,
you're less likely to experience heartbreak simply because you
are now more intentional in the 1st place about who you're
connecting with. Another one is that there's
often such a difference in what you like to receive and what you
like to give. Like for example, you might love
the idea of being blindfolded, but not blindfolding somebody
else, and that can show up in so many different ways.
Another one is we often approach stagnant long term sexual
relationships by only focusing on sex as being the issue when
we should really be thinking about what turns people on in
the 1st place. And for me, romanticism was the
most important thing. So I really did learn something
about myself. I found myself in long term
relationships for for for sure where the desire definitely
dwindled and I thought the problem was the sex, whereas I
should have been looking at the relationship more holistically.
And doing this reflection really solidified that learning for me.
I also learned that as much as I have been in an open
relationship, it doesn't mean that I'm polyamorous or the type
of person who needs or even wants that going forward.
And I already know that if I did this two years ago, my answers
would have been completely different.
And that's really cool. Like it's such a good practice
to get a pulse check on where you're at.
Overall, I know you guys are going to love it.
And you can use reflections again and again, which is
necessary when we are constantly becoming and changing.
You can try reflections by downloading the app field that's
fee LD on the App Store or Google Play or on their website
at field.co/reflections. Now let's move on to
friendships. I feel like there's so much to
be said but I want to start with make friends that genuinely want
to celebrate you. I really believe that jealousy
kills connection and if you're ever sat with someone and you
feel like you can't share the positive things in your life
then it's probably not someone that wants the best for you.
And I know, at least for me personally, I only want to be
friends with the kind of people that would bring me up in a room
of people that they know could be really great for me or only
speak positively about me when they're out and about.
I want to know that someone is going to support me.
And I don't have to feel embarrassed for things not going
well when they don't go well, but that'll also be supported in
that. And if you have someone that's
constantly making you feel like you need to hide things because
they're having a hard time, that can be really challenging.
And as much as you want to be mindful of maybe where someone's
at, like say you come home and your friends are sitting on the
couch having a breakdown. You're not going to be like,
guess who got a pay raise? But you can say things
eventually in the right timing and hopefully get the support in
the celebration that you deserve.
Because like we talked about earlier, we want to focus on the
positive. We want to celebrate the hell
out of our wins so that we can know that we're the type of
people who win. The price of community is
inconvenience. And I'm sure you've heard this
before, but I feel this deep, deep down because I'm such a
homebody. Sometimes I have so many moments
where I'm like, I just don't want to leave my house.
Like especially in the winter when it's dark and I'm on my
couch and I'm watching Netflix, I'm watching Richardton.
I'm like, Oh my God, what do you mean?
I have to stand up right now and go stand in front of like my
lights and do my makeup and then get an Uber and then go and like
drink and I'm like, no. Like I completely get it, but
sometimes we have to push ourselves and not cancel on our
friends. OK, which I don't do anymore.
God bless. But I definitely had a season of
that. Be the kind of person who shows
up and is excited to see your friend and makes an effort.
Like we really have to not hold back the quality of our
friendships because we aren't spending enough time together.
So if it's inconvenient, girl, just go, OK, you're going to
have fun anyways. Friends come and go and that's
OK. That's OK.
Some friends are just for a season.
And of course you want to have some beautiful long term
friendships where you just feel like that person gets you and
they've seen you through so many seasons.
And yes, that's so important. But you don't have to cling on
to your friends as if they make you who you are.
You are who you are on your own and your friends, friends
beautifully amplify that and you get to love and enjoy their
time. And it's a beautiful thing.
But don't be scared of shifts. And I recently have actually had
a pretty big friendship breakup. And one of my best friends
actually had one as well too. And her and I were talking about
it. And it's really hard when you go
through a friendship breakup because you don't realize how
much you identify sometimes with somebody or how much you spend
so much time with somebody and it can literally feel like a
breakup break up. So be gentle with yourself in
those seasons and just know that it's OK to have some seasons
where you might feel a little bit more lonely or out of place
or like there is a shift. And the best thing you can do
for yourself is to try to connect with new people, make
new friendships, or even go a little bit deeper into
friendships that you already have.
We all want friends and we all need community, but it's best to
move on from situations when they are toxic and that's
completely OK to do. OK.
And we have some listener advice as well.
Quality over quantity, which is what we were just talking about
because yeah, quantity great. Good to have lots of people
around you. Really fun for like, I don't
know your birthday party. But other than that, like you
kind of want to focus on having people that are really in your
corner. Like I would so much rather have
like 3 to 5 really close friends that I could call crying if I
needed to instead of a friend group of like 20 people where
everyone kind of gets with each other.
And it's like, you know, something I'd really focus on is
just honing in on who are your people?
Who is my tribe? And if that even means sitting
down and writing out their names and thinking when am I going to
see them in the next month. Do it, plan it, be intentional.
Like if you want to live the kind of life that you deserve,
you should be intentional about how you're filling your time.
So reach out to those good friends.
Another listener advice, when people show you who they are,
believe them. I will leave them because people
will show you. At the end of the day, people
will absolutely show you where they have their faults and
everyone has their faults. And I'm not saying to just cut
people off or be brutal based off of someone going through a
season or anything like that, but it's really important to
trust your gut. It's really important to trust
your gut on people and if you feel like you're friends with
them, hoping that they just prove that gut feeling wrong.
I reckon it's going to come out eventually.
And I've seen it quite a few times.
And our last listener advice is that the actions of others speak
for themselves, not for me and my worth.
And I think that's really important because people go
through stuff and sometimes they don't show up in the ways that
you expect them to, in the ways that you want them to.
And it's completely fine to move on for something that's not good
for you. And to know that it doesn't mean
that you're a bad person or you're a bad friend.
Like when I went through that big friendship breakup, like,
you know, like I said, not that long ago, even I did have a big
moment where I was like, Oh my gosh, like, what does this mean
about me? Like am IA bad friend?
Am I not fun to be around? Like I really started
questioning all these things about myself.
And thank God for one of my other friends who we had to chat
about it. And she was like, no, Oh my
goodness, how could you ever think that about yourself?
And I was able to like, oh, you know, get away from those
negative thoughts. But their actions are their
actions. And it doesn't mean that you are
not a good person. The other thing too is we can't
take things personally all the time.
Sometimes their actions and I quote are just them not texting
you back for a while or it's just you double texting, trying
to make plans and them saying no both times.
That doesn't mean that they're purposely not trying to hang out
with you or they hate you, OK? It just means that maybe you say
something on the third time you say, hey, I've really been
trying to connect with you or like I really wanted to hang
out. Like what's going on with you?
Are you really busy? Just something to touch base so
you can actually get a clear response from them on how you're
feeling in the relationship and how they're feeling.
So I know that was a lot. I know we covered a lot, but I
hope that you got something out of today's episode.
Thank you as always so much for listening and thanks again to
our sponsor field. Don't forget to check out
reflections and I love you guys. I'll see you soon.
Bye. Quick before you go, if you want
to have a say in future episodes and you want to hear more from
me, you can follow me at Alyssa Taylor Harper on Instagram and
TikTok, which will also be LinkedIn the description.
Also don't forget to subscribe or follow wherever you're
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Love you lots and I'll catch you next time.