You're listening test. She said what with your host
Alyssa Harper. Hello everybody.
Welcome back to. She said, what if you have not
been here before then? Oh my God, welcome.
Oh my God, it's so nice to have you here.
And if you have been here before then, welcome back.
Bitch. Whats up today, I'm going to be
talking about different myths that I used to believe about
sex, that obviously don't believe anymore, but at one
point like, I genuinely believe these things and these are
things that I would hope that you don't believe.
And if you do, then I'm here to educate you and encourage you.
And let you know what's up. So I actually made it to talk
recently about this and I talked about five different myths and I
am going to be talking about those five today and sharing the
stories and all the little extra things that I wanted to say in
The Tick-Tock. But I can't because it's like a
three minute video and then I'm also going to be adding on a
bonus to at the end which is super exciting because both of
these I was like man I wish I would have included this in The
Tick-Tock and they kind of have to do with some of the questions
I was getting from you guys in the comments as well.
So let's get right into it. Enjoy the today's episode.
As per usual, I'm going to give you that weekly update.
First of all, I just want to say today, I feel so good little T
on this episode and The Tick Tock that I posted yesterday.
So the video I posted yesterday I posted it.
Last night are like yesterday afternoon ish and I posted it
and within like 15 20 minutes. It had like a thousand likes and
I was like fuck. Yeah.
Like This is gonna go great. People are going to love this
shit like, you know, you got excited when people like your
shit because you know, you work really hard and then if people
don't really like it, it's like okay.
Well, you know, it's fine because I created it, I'm so
proud of it. And at the end of the day, I
just want to create things that I'm, you know, proud of, and I
made, because I enjoyed making it and, you know, whatever.
But you also want to help people and like, especially if I'm
sharing about things where I'm like, this is tips on how to do
this thing. If I'm just talking to myself
then I don't know. I'm kind of like, what the fuck
am I doing? So I hope that people like my
shit. Whatever.
I don't need to explain myself. Um, anyways, I was excited that
I was doing well, and then Tick Tock flagged it for sexual
exploitation, which is not true. It came back eventually and
everything's all fine now. But at first, I was so pissed
off and I was like, what the fuck like what is going on?
I have to appeal it. You don't know how long it's
going to take and I was like so frustrated and they made me so
anxious yesterday. And I was just like, why?
Because I actually worked on that video for like four hours
which sounds really Oculus. But like, by the time, you like
recorded a bunch and like edit it and like, you know, obviously
plan it like kind of scripted and like, come up with, like,
you know, what, you want to say roughly?
It's a whole thing, it's the whole project.
And yeah, it's just pretty shit when like you are censored by
social media. And like you can't talk about
things that fucking need to be talked about.
So that was frustrating yesterday and I was so irritable
and poor Sam my partner. I he came home and I just like
went off on him and he was like, I didn't do anything and I was
like, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm anxious.
I had to apologize because you always have to apologize.
Make sure you apologize, guys. Actually say sorry if you don't
know what the 4-step apology then let's just go through a
quick little run down. You apologize, you say what
you're apologizing for you, tell them what you're going to do
different next time and you ask them if there's anything else
that you can do to follow up on your apology or like make the
situation better. So that's how you actually
apologized in relationships. Hot tip.
All right. Anyways, I did that.
And yeah, I felt like shit and I was just pissed off and last
night before bed. And I was like doing my
five-minute Journal which I told you guys that I've been doing
and I was like it's so hard right now to be positive because
you have to write down three things that I like your
highlights of the day and I was like this is so hard and I
literally was like, Ki need to stay positive, I need to stay
positive, like I talk my shit all the time I was talked about
like, you know, figuring out how to get through like negative,
automatic thoughts and all that bullshit.
But like, if I don't actually do it like when what am I doing?
You know. And so I literally wrote at the
bottom of the page. I was like I'm gonna wake up
tomorrow morning. The video is going Back up and
it's going to have 100,000 views and I was like, like I even had
Sam come into the room and I said, I had this feeling.
I was like, I should say to him. What I just wrote down, and I
was like, I'm embarrassed. That's so like, whatever.
What if I wake up and it's not back up and it's not this and
it's not that, like, that's so embarrassing.
Like, I don't want him to think that I'm just dumb and like, I
guess, like manifesting or whatever you want to call it,
like believing that when you speak things out, you know, when
I talk my shit and say that, that works that now I'm saying
that that doesn't Don't work if I say this to Sam and then it
doesn't happen, you know? And I was like you know, fuck it
and I actually said it to him and I know that sounds weird
because like Samsung partner and like we've been together for
years and years but still it can be like that barrier where
you're like oh do I actually trust like that?
This thing or like is going to happen or like that?
You know, whether you want to say, it's like the universe like
has my back or like you know, things just work out for me,
whatever it is. I have those beliefs that I
really want to just like keep instilling and keep reminding
myself of anyways. Woke up this morning at 5:00
a.m. because Teaching Pilates today and I woke up and it was
back on my page and it literally had 99.7.
I think thousand views and I literally was like and I was so
excited. I like refresh the page a few
times and then it finally got to like 100.
I was like, oh my God and I went and showed Sam and it was just
really cool because I was like fuck yeah like this is why we do
this shit, you know? I mean like I don't just come on
here to tell you guys about like why I do like gratitude like
visualization or whatever just to like get an episode out, you
know that In like iced, I tell you to do it because it means a
lot to me and because I think it's really, really important.
So anyways, that's just kind of like was a really cool highlight
of the last 24 hours and I've just been in the best mood, like
all day taught, really great classes this morning and just
felt really like confident about them and like, people had a fun
time and you know, it's good vibes, good consistent clients
that I have all the time, so that's nice.
And then I did a class and then I went for a little bit of a
shop in Bondi Junction and that was fun.
That was like outside Bondi Beach and yeah, I Bro.
Okay, this is not meant to be a flex because I kind of think
this is dumb, but I spent like $80 on a water bottle, which
sounds like a lot of money, but it's like a little, I don't know
how to say it. Like corkle or some shit like
that. I don't know, but it's lime
green and it's big and it's so cute.
And I'm obsessed with it. And I've been like, like,
literally drinking water all day and I like feel like I've needed
to spend money on like a good water bottle that.
I actually like that actually has a little sippy that I
actually want to sip from like, you know, not to be crazy, but
I'm very particular about the things that I want in my life.
Life. And for a long time, I had a,
what's it called? Oh, and Nalgene.
I don't know if you know, I'm talking about bits like that
bottle with like the big round Mouth Circle thingy.
Like, you have to just sit out of it, like, you're stepping out
of a cup, it doesn't do it for me.
It really does not do it for me. And so I'm very excited that I
got a nice new water bottle. And then I just got some other
shit that I needed to pick up some like new curly curl cream
for my hair. Because my hair has been fucking
curly as shit recently because of the humidity because it's hot
as balls in Australia right now and So I had a really good day.
Honestly, such a good day and tonight I'm hanging out with
faith my bestie and so I'm super excited.
So that's my little wrap-up and my little update for you.
Sorry that went on longer than I meant it to.
Okay, let's get into it. Five myths about sex that I once
genuinely believe. These are things that I would
have picked up from, I would say, like mainstream porn, like
media, like movies, social media, all that, you know, and
then just like, chatting with my friends and whatnot and the And
I point out specifically mainstream porn is because there
are other options when it comes to porn.
And I talked about this in the video that I posted on Tick-Tock
and no, this is not sponsored, but I just Will shout them out
anyways, because they're amazing, there's this company
called Afterglow and it's actually, if you look it up,
it's XO Afterglow.com and they do ethical porn and they also do
it from a female perspective, like female gaze porn.
Is mean that's like literally from the few more games like as
if like it's from the eyes of a woman, but it's like, based on
what like women would typically like or, you know, women also
extends further on from, you know, into many other types of
people. But that is just saying it's not
specifically male gaze the way that most mainstream porn is and
I just love it. I love it so good.
It's so real. I personally am not a huge
Watcher of porn. Anyways, because I feel like
masturbation orgasm. All of that is really, really
powerful. And I personally, in like my
personal practice like to use it more as like, actually genuinely
like a tool for manifestation, which I can totally make an
episode on if you guys want to hear about that.
But I just kind of think it's a bit TMI and you probably don't
want to hear about it, but I use it really more for like
self-care and like being like really mindful of what's
happening in my brain at that time and yeah, for like literal
manifestation and so I don't love it because I think it can
be a distraction but the same time, sometimes it can be good
if you just like want something like get you going, you know,
and you're just like wanting to kind of like shut off a little
bit mentally as well. Like, it's like when you want to
sit down and like, watch a TV show, you know, I mean, that's
kind of how media is. So, anyways, that's really good
option if you guys are interested by the way, and also
it's really important about it is, it's ethical.
So it means that the people that are in the videos and whatnot,
like they're actually getting paid and they're getting paid
fairly and there's consent. Involved and the actors, and
everybody are like protected and safe.
And yeah, so it's really cool because personally, I'm at a
point where I'm just not able to watch porn that is not ethical
like anything on like pornhub or whatever.
I don't know how to want to say too much because I feel like I
don't want to like, you know, be censored or whatever but I just
want to be mindful of that because I think it's really
really important. And yeah, it just like to having
a good conscience and like knowing that you're making
choices where they're not selfish to what you want.
In fulfilling your needs with their actually like for the
greater good and like you're supporting small business and
all that kind of shit like to me that's really important.
And so, yeah, anyways, this is where pick up a lot of these
things is, like, mainstream porn and then all the movies and all
the things that we see Growing Up.
So number one, the first myth, this was really interesting
actually, that like a fast and hard sex equals good sex.
I always thought this when I was younger, obviously, that's not
true. Some of the best sex in your
life. It can be very slow, very
intimate. Very like, maybe potentially,
not even penetrative sex like penis to vagina sex or even like
penetration using other things. Otherwise depending on what your
partner and you are like and what kind of Parts, you know,
you're working with. But I used to think this and I
do think porn would be like a huge, huge inspo on this one,
but I also just think that we think like sex is this intense
thing in like, You're taught that it's a shameful thing or if
it's like a bad thing you think? Like I like it's bad it's dirty,
its intense like you associate it with like these this like
intensity whereas like sex doesn't it can be that and again
fast sex quote, unquote hard sex, intense sex, even kinky
sex. That's not dirty at all.
That's not bad at all but it's not also not necessarily going
to mean that it's better. The more it is of all of those
things and I think, That's really important because as much
as all share about on the podcast, like you know, how to
have like more interesting sex or like, how does change things
up? It doesn't mean that it's better
to have, you know, kinky sex. It's not better to try different
things. All the time, if you and your
partner are happy to have like the most vanilla chill, whatever
sex then do that, like, do what you want to do, you know,
there's no shame either a either way, whichever way you go and
those stories. Lives to tell about with this
one, which I thought was really funny.
It was I remember when I was younger I would have been like,
pretty young like, probably like 11 or 12 or something,
potentially honestly, even younger because I literally knew
nothing about sex. Like, I knew very, very, very
little about sex. So, yeah, I would say maybe even
younger and I went to Great Wolf Lodge, which is in Niagara
Falls, which is I'm from Niagara.
So if any of you've been a Great Wolf Lodge, let me know.
No, this is probably not relatable, but Great Wolf Lodge
and it's like this, like hotel. If, you know, a group of lodges
you probably are laughing because this is hard to explain
is based off of, like a cabin. That's kind of like the decor.
If you will, is like a cabin and like, every night, they have
this, like show in like the lobby, and it's like a bunch of
animals and like it kind of teaches you about like animals
and shit, I don't know. It sounds so Canadian which is
also just so funny to me and they have a Huge water park.
This is another part of it. It's the fucking shit is so
sick. Like, it's actually take me
there. Take me there.
Now, I want to go there, but yeah, it's a lot of fun.
They also have this really cool water slide that has like like
these. It's kind of like, a roller
coaster Vibe. Like it, like takes you up on
these like little belt. Oh my God, that shit slapped so
hard. Also, my mom paid my cousin.
When we were younger, she paid him like 50 bucks to go on this
water slide because he was really scared.
And my mom convinced him, my mom's always done that.
Also, she literally paid Sam 50 bucks like two years ago.
Go to eat a snail, like to eat escargot because he was too
scared. So, shout out to my mom for
being a fucking roller. What's the word Bank roller?
I don't know. She's just cool.
She's cool. She just lives her best life and
she's a fun time. She's also an accountant to be
clear. So she's also careful with her
money and she's not actually like crazy rich or anything.
She's just a good time. Anyways, why am I going on this
tangent? We're going back.
KY my girls watch sat down with these two guys and I'm with like
two of my friends. Have try to remember who I was
with theirs. Named Rachel and then another
girl and we were all like besties at the time and we'd
been friends since like kindergarten and we're sat with
these two guys that we met and they were a bit older like I
want to say that they were like not in high school like it
wasn't like an inappropriate age like that much older than us but
they're probably like 15 or something like you know like a
few years so they would know you know more about sex I think of
like a teenage boy like 15 16 years old, right?
And we're all sad around in this like Lobby talking and we the
parents weren't around and remember we got into like these
bad topics and we all knew that we were like talking about bad
stuff and he was telling us that his parents owned a sex shop and
we were like, no way because we had no idea what actually was
like in them, you know, and he's talking to us about it.
And so we started asking me all these questions about sex and
it's really funny because you know what?
They were a bit older. They weren't over 18 obviously
they were younger than that. But it was funny because we
didn't like no stuff. And so we wanted to ask him, all
these questions him, his friends, we started asking.
Him. Anyways, we asked him what is
better when it comes to sex slow or fast.
Like we just thought in our little teeny little brains that
like sex was either slow or fast.
There was like two options and think you had to choose like,
you know, you meet up with someone you like shake hands and
you like go like three, two, one.
And on one you both say other faster slow.
And like if it matches you have sex, like genuinely like Dennis.
Like this is the kind of shit that I used to think.
Okay my brain was I was dumb. All right, that's all I'm gonna
say about that. I was dumb point being that.
I he was like like neither I don't know like you know they're
both good. I guess it's kind of like a mix
of both like you don't ever really have like one or the
other. I don't you know I don't think.
And that was the first time that I was like oh wow that's
interesting. Okay you can have both okay but
I still didn't understand and I still thought that the harder
you know the faster the better turns out that's not true and
yes slow it down slow your shit down because it's nice.
Alright number two Myth number two, is that it's awkward to ask
for consent. This one is really interesting
because I used to think this and I thought this for a long time
to be honest, like, quite a while where I would say, you
know, II, think consents important.
But I was one of those people where I'd be like but you know
sometimes it's like assumed like if you just if you have sex with
a person all the time and like you know, blah, blah blah, blah,
blah, like it's just, it's fine turns out, it's not.
Okay, let's just clarify That consent is like always
necessary. And I would say that, you know,
the way you ask for consent obviously is like up to you and
your partner's like obviously up to the discretion of you.
For example, the way that I would want someone to ask for my
consent now who is like not Sam. It would be very different to
how Sam would ask me. So, you know, if Sam looks at me
and is, like, what are you thinking about tonight?
You know, and like, gives me a wink.
I know what that means. Out.
Like, it's not like he needs to be like, can I have sex with
you? Would you like to kiss?
Like it's very different. Okay.
But someone who I don't know very well, I would want them,
you know, to ask me, is this okay?
Is this? All right, do you want to do
this? Do you want to do that?
Do you like this? Do you like that?
You know, and like really ask for consent in a way that shows
that they're asking for consent and I think this is so important
and so sexy, like when someone shows you You that they're
educated, when someone shows you that they care about your
pleasure when someone shows you that they're interested in your
wants and your needs. It's the bare fucking minimum,
let's be clear, but it is attractive.
It's very sexy. It's very like a luring and I
think it is so valuable. And I think when people say
things like asking for consent is awkward, it's like a cop-out.
Like, I really think at this point, if you're not at a place
where you're able to be like, oh yeah, consent is necessary.
Sorry then like what the fuck you doing?
Like, you shouldn't be having sex.
That's all I'm going to say, okay, we're at the point now
where we expect especially men, not especially men but I would
say, do you know, we know statistically that it's
typically going to be men that are sexually harassing or
hurting or abusing women. We are definitely expecting them
to be educated on this and if they're not be clear that you've
noticed that they haven't asked for your consent and make sure
Sure that you are being aware of this because it really does show
you where they're at. I just think it's so so
necessary and I think it's fucking hot and I don't see why
people don't do this on a regular basis, you know, because
it's stupid, if you don't. All right.
Now, some of you in The Tick-Tock, comments were asking
how to ask for consent in a sexy way.
And this is a really, really great question and props to you
for asking these things and wondering these things and like
actually being like, ok, cool. How can I apply this?
I would say. First of all is there's a lot of
ways to do this. So don't feel like that's just
one way, you know? Yes.
Of course, when you sit there and you say to someone can I
have sex with you? That's not the sexiest way of
doing it. But telling somebody, you know,
I would love to have sex with you.
What do you think about that? That is a thing, you know,
that's a part of it. I love that.
Someone saying to you like oh my God, I would, I want to kiss you
so bad right now, you know what I mean?
And then the way that you respond to, that is a clear
indicator of what you're thinking.
If that means you lean in and kiss them, then you kiss them.
If that means that, you know, they say, I would love to kiss
you right now. And you say, all right, that's
fine. Are like, yeah, we could do that
or like, you know, I mean you say something cute and chill
like that. It's fucking cute.
Like are you kidding me? Like I love it and I feel like
that's so good and especially as you're continuing that
experience with somebody. So like if then something comes
up and this is actually something that happened a while
back where somebody had said to me, do you like to be choked?
And I like honestly out of context?
I would think that that's a little bit like, oh I do you
like in the moment y'all in the moment?
Oh my God. Okay, this is, these are the
kind of things. These are the kinds of things,
okay? That if they do it, I'm telling
you. It is going to be the best for
you in the world. It's gonna, it's gonna be the
best and if you do it it's also going to turn them on so much.
So like lean into that, do that because that shit fucking slaps.
All right, we're moving on. I don't mean to overstep or get
B to TMI but there you go. Number three, your stomach
should be flat. Your skin should be clear and
you must be shaven or no one will want to.
I have sex with you. Obviously, this is a lie, this
is a myth. And the reason I say this one
and I think it's so important is because when I was younger, I
dead-ass used to think this like before I would go and like have
an experience with somebody, I would literally have the
craziest hot girls shower hello. Hot girls shower and the world
like an hour and like shave. Every little part of me and like
literally these I don't know if this is because like OCD or
what, but I would literally take a miracle.
Like look at my hoo-ha in my mirror and I would like look for
every teeny little individual hair and I was like, I swear to
God, if there's even a single hair, I would like take my Razor
and I would like get past it. Like I was like us.
Psycho like, aside go, you don't need to do this, you don't need
to do this. Why, why?
Like, you don't need to Coffee scrub, your whole body for them
to want to like me, lick, you like, they should want to lick
you. Anyways, you know, I mean, and
if you are with somebody who does care about those things,
Things like is like I would prefer if you were shaven down
there. Like fuck that guy fucked up
person. Are you joking?
Like you're hot like you. They don't deserve you if that's
how they're gonna be like, that's so fucked.
Yeah, it's your choice. It's so your choice and yes, be
cleanly, yes, take care of yourself.
Like, yes, you know, maybe have a little shower before you go
over, if it's like a booty call, you know, surely, you know,
you'd want to do that for like your sake there.
Like everyone, you know, it's great but at the end of the day,
all those little things, like the things that are just your
body and like body autonomy, and the things that are like yours
to choose like, you know, your hair and then even things as
well, like your skin or your weight or things that like you
know you don't even really choose mostly and things to do
with how you appear to that person.
Don't worry about those things being perfect Force.
Sex. Like, I even realized this
recently, that even with Sam and we've been together for like,
what? Three years now at least?
Yeah. Like three and a half years.
I literally sometimes he'll come home from work and if I've
already like taking off my makeup and I'm kind of like
relaxed into myself for the day. I'm less likely to want to have
sex with him because I feel like, oh, I'm not like a sexy,
like I don't look as sexy and it's interesting because I've,
this is me guys, I'm all over this shit.
I'm talking about this shit all the time.
I'm like you think that I would be like you know.
So confident know like everyone has moments like this.
Everyone feels like this from time to time and if you feel
like this, just know that you are not alone and this is just
so normal in such a human experience, but when someone is
literally penetrating you, they're not looking at your cute
little rolls on your tummy, okay?
So just chill. It's all gonna be fine.
You are beautiful like, genuinely, tried to work through
that. If that's something that you're
dealing with because the more you realize that you do it, the
more you're able to break it down and then the more often
you're going to feel like sexy and like want to have sex.
And I think a lot of people think that they struggle with
their libido and it's not that they actually struggle with like
their hormones, or their libido on like a health level.
But they really just struggle with the ability to feel sexy
because of all the bullshit lies that we hear within our society
and I feel like it's so important that we work through a
lot of that. Um, getting ourselves to a place
where we are self-loving and getting to ourselves.
A place to hello getting ourselves to a place where we
like genuinely love how we are when we were just like raw and
like no makeup and like frizzy ass hair and like, you know,
sweatpants and all that shit. Like it's actually so hot and so
fun. But you have to get used to that
over time and try to break down those barriers.
And another tip about that actually quickly before we move
on On is tell your partner that you feel that way because I am
so sure that they're going to be like, oh my God, no, I love you
and sweat pants. Oh my God.
No, I love. You know what?
Sam says to me, he's like I hate when I come home and when you're
wearing makeup because you don't let me touch your face.
Like I can't like I can't really hug you properly.
Like you're sitting there with your face off of me when you hug
me. Like it's like the least
intimate thing in the world. Like he loves when I come home
and he comes home and like I'm like, chilling.
And I just like, I'm just base level comfy.
Because like that's how he feels comfy with me because he knows I
might comfiest. And yeah, so it's really really
important to also tell the people that you're with so that
they can encourage you and just be honest with them, that you
feel that way because it can be a thing that they think oh you
don't want to have sex with me but it's not sometimes that you
don't have sex with them. It's that you don't feel like
they would want to have sex with you or you don't feel like sexy
and that's really important just to think about and like reflect
on. All right.
Number four. When the man comes the X is
over. Oh my God.
Okay, this one is the worst. I fucking hate this shit when he
comes and then he goes. I'm not saying that Sam does
this because he absolutely does not.
But this this was a thing for me, you know, for a long time he
comes and then he goes. Did you come?
You know, and we see that shit and movies and like whatever all
the time. What the fuck do you mean?
Did I come not yet bitch like we're not done.
What do you mean like? I just I don't like it.
I hate it so much. It's Bad.
And it really is just a clear example of how we prioritize
male pleasure within our society, and men getting the
things that they want out of the situations that they're in.
And genuinely it being the norm to not prioritize female
pleasure and any of the bullshit excuses of like all because it's
too hard or it's harder to make a woman come or it's blah blah
blah blah. I do not give a fuck.
The point is that you care about the pleasure between the Two of
you and that you both experienced pleasure.
This doesn't mean that the woman or the vulva owner, or whoever
has to come, nobody has to come sex, can be whatever you want it
to be. And the goal of sex isn't
necessarily to come, but if you want to come, your partner
should be aware of that and should be actively putting in
effort and to make sure that you come like they should be happy
to set aside, the time to learn what you like to do.
Watch, you do things to yourself, to teach them how to
do that. They should be very happy, very
confident to use a toy to do anything that you want,
obviously them consenting as well, do this, but doing
anything that you want to be able to experience that pleasure
and if for whatever reason, they don't want to do things to help
you have pleasure because it takes too long or you don't need
to use a toy. You have me babe, any of that
bullshit. Fuck that.
Okay, that person is. Not educated.
That person is not prioritizing your pleasure.
Yes you can do a certain extent, go and sit there and educate
them but you also like shouldn't have to like it's not your job
at this point. I think you know it's 20 23 it's
not really your job to educate all the men around you on how to
be like decent people. If you want to fucking go for it
and I do get that years of someone being a part of like a
family that doesn't talk about sex or they're being sexual
trauma. Or they're being a background
where this person didn't have like anybody to tell them that
these things are important. Yes, I agree that.
Okay, you can give that person some Grace maybe and obviously
if you're in a loving relationship, that person I
would understand that you would want to do that with them.
But at the same time it's also 23 and like we have access.
These men, they have access they have these resources if they
wanted to know, they could know. It's like if he wanted to, he
would do, you know what I mean? So let's just be clear that if
you want to come, you should be feeling like you have the space
to hand time to come. And that he cares, that that's
something that you want. No, it doesn't have to be the
end result every single time and it's okay.
If you leave that experience you're like, no, that was fun.
That was pleasurable. Honestly, I don't really want to
go through the whole motion right now, like I'm just not
here for it. I kind of just want to like
chill. I had a good time.
Don't worry about me. That's okay, you know, that's
also. OK, and last point, on this
before we move on is please don't fake orgasms.
Please don't fake orgasms because we're not doing that
anymore for them. First of all.
Fuck. There you go.
Second of all, um, you're teaching them that you like what
they're doing this. So if you are teaching them.
That, oh my God. That's what makes me come.
Thanks baby. Did such a good job today.
No, okay. Don't do that shit.
Because what's he gonna do next time, or what she going to do
next time they're going to Do the same thing.
They're literally going to do the exact same thing because
they think that's what you like because you've taught them that
that's what they like and they're actually doing the right
thing in that scenario like they are doing the right thing and
you are putting yourself into a situation where now you have to
be like hey remember that thing you did last time either you
know I actually don't like that. And here's what I like or I did
like that but I would like this a little bit differently.
You're like you have to like explain yourself and it's not
worth it so definitely do not fake orgasms ever because it
does not help anybody in the situation and it's a waste of
your time. You know, all right, number
five, myth number five is that mainstream porn is a good
representation of what most sex looks like.
Obviously that's a myth, obviously porn is like a
horrible representation of what sex is like and we all know that
but we say we know it you know? I mean but we don't like no no
it and the thing is when we have a question about sex like you
what feels good when you're with a woman?
Well how to have sex with a woman?
How does sex with a man? How to masturbate, etc?
Etc. You know, we looked at porn and
even if we don't think consciously like, oh yeah, I
looked at porn for It, Whatever. A lot of the time, the image
that you have in your mind of what is good or bad comes back
to porn. So you still are looking to it
even though you're not trying to do that.
And this just creates so many layers of shit within like our
relationships with sex with ourselves and with sex,
especially like shame around masturbation.
There's this book. I read a while back and it's
called who was called greedy by Jen Winston.
And I talk about it all the time because I love it.
It's like her Memoir on her bisexual journey, and she's just
a fucking gee. I love her.
She's also so funny. So go follow her on Instagram
because she's really funny, I'll pop it in the thing below for
you and she talks about in her book how she used to grow up
masturbating. When she was younger, she would
literally lay on her stomach when she would masturbate and
she like, made this whole like, Sir about how she just kind of
looked, like, like a penguin or something, like, flopping around
on her stomach and how she was, like, how am I ever going to
have sex with somebody? Because the way I masturbate,
the only way I'm able to have an orgasm is like I look crazy.
Like this is so embarrassing and it's so funny because I related
to that so hard and I think when I was younger I used to do kind
of like a similar thing and then as I got older and I saw porn I
used to think oh shit. Now I have to like, sit like
this. I have to do this now.
I need to look like this. Now, I need to Arch my back or
now I need to like, be naked or I need to, you know, do these
things that I thought I needed to do because it needed to like,
look a certain way for it to be like real sex or like, normal
sex in anything, that was outside of how it normally looks
is, you know, unnatural and is bad.
And it was just so interesting. Like, I feel like so many people
could relate with that, and so many people have had that
experience where they feel like they've done something wrong or
bad or just, you know, it's not right whether that's alone
masturbating or that's with a partner or whatever, you feel
like it's wrong because you don't see it in pouring.
And so, let's just again, be aware of what kind of corn were
watching. Because if you're watching
mainstream porn, you're more likely to have moments like that
of Shame where you think. Oh, this is wrong.
You know, this position with a man is wrong or having this type
of sex with a woman is wrong or liking this thing like eating
out Or fingering or using a dildo with a partner even though
he has a penis that's wrong, you can't do that.
All these things that we say are wrong and bad that we don't need
to think are wrong or bad. That maybe we just don't have an
example of during porn. It's important that we reflect
on those things. Yeah.
And figure out what those things could be for us.
And then also, just be aware of what kind of porn you're
watching. If you're watching porn.
All right. Now, let's get into the bonus
points here. So bonus Point number one, myth.
Technically number six is that the presence of a hymen is a
marker of virginity, it breaks and that's it.
This is not true, this is not fucking true and I grew up in a
Christian household, okay. I grew up as a sweet, little
Virgin, Mary not actually LOL but I wasn't Christian.
And I used to think that your hymen was like this thing that
literally just like popped, broke, whatever.
One day. And then it was just all over.
And this is really interesting because this is something that a
lot of people believe like this is not oh, this is like a little
myth, but everyone like knows, no, no.
Like a lot of people don't know that this is not true and that's
not how it works. Think of the language that we
use, like, pop your cherry, okay?
The verb pop, that could be really scary to a young girl,
you know, to a young vulva. However, who's like, um, I want
to Have sex one day but I don't really want someone to like pop
my shit. Like what do you mean like
that's scary, you know, or when people say it breaks like break
has negative connotation like in also, there's obviously a huge
negative connotation going around the word, virginity,
quote, unquote, losing your virginity.
And what that actually means especially within the context of
like, religion or even just maybe what's were like one of
the conservative families and things like that.
Even if it's like, non-religious.
Rich is so interesting that we've been taught that.
So, let me just quickly tell you what actually happens.
So your hymen, I've said this in, you know, other episodes as
well, but it is basically a like thin piece of skin, I guess you
can call it and it does tear. It can tear.
And a lot of people do get these tears.
The first time that they have sex.
So they do have some blood that comes out.
I personally didn't experience this, but a lot of people do I
was talking about Mom the other day about this on my on a
FaceTime and she was telling me the first time she had sex, it
like really hurt and was telling me that she had that classic,
you know, bleeds right away. It was really painful that kind
of situation. I didn't have that at all but I
never inserted anything that would be like penis size.
Before that time I did use tampons I can say that and I
know there's a bunch of other ways that people can break their
hymen. Like frickin riding a horse or
like doing certain physical activities.
There's a lot. Ways that it can happen when
it's not even painful and people don't even realize that it
happens, it can actually happen with a tampon as well, but it is
pretty uncommon. Just so, you know, so don't
freak out if you are like, wanting to use tampons and you
haven't had sex before. But yeah, I think this is really
important that we really, we know this because not only is
this like, oh, you know, that's crazy.
That this is a myth and this thing that we all believe, but
it's also used as a marker of virginity within so many
religions, like all around the world and like different
cultures and all these things. And it's really horrible and
really sad and something that you should at least be aware of
that. This happens around the world
that people literally will be tortured or killed or whatever.
Sorry, dark turn on this. Today's episode that this can
happen because women are being told that oh, you don't have
your high means, you must not be a virgin.
And they literally either are not born with it, which Can
Happen by the way, literally not born with it or they broke it in
another way or It, I should say in another way.
And these horrible things happen to people all over the world and
you should be aware of this to understand why it is so
important that we have correct information about sex within our
culture because when we use verbage like pop and break that
can create so much, shame fear and pour those things into us
and create this really horrible relationship between us and our
relationship with sex and Yeah, it just shocks me and when I
first learned this I was like, oh my gosh, like how did I not
know this like who the fuck is telling us all this stuff?
And it just made me so mad and just like it just reinstalls why
I'm so passionate about talking about sexual Wellness, you know,
as much as I can on the different platforms that allow
me to. But yeah, it's really important.
So if you want to do more research into that, feel free.
I've just finished reading. Come As You Are by Emmeline
agofsky, And she talks about it in that book as well.
So that would be a little recommendation for me and I'll
pop that below for you if you want to click through and link
to that book. That book is also just really
good. By the way, if you have any
questions about sex, why you might have a low libido while
you might have a high libido, what to do, if you and your
partner, have different libidos, like, what to do about the
questions, about your body, and how orgasm work and how to have
good orgasms or how to organize them in the first place.
Like, literally such an amazing resource.
Ice. I've literally think that
everybody should read that book. So go and read that book.
All right, this is our last Point bonus.
Point number two, is actually really big one and I fucking
love this one. I'm so happy that I'm including
this in today's episode because this one is so huge.
All right. Penetration is quote, real sex.
And everything else is just foreplay.
I believed this for years years, and years and years, and years
and years. And the reason I used to, like,
be so firm on this too, is because within like a Faith,
losing your virginity before marriage is obviously a bad
thing. And so, in my mind in like a lot
of Christians Minds, you can do everything, but have sex.
So these people are fucking out here, like having oral sex like
sixty-nining their shit like doing all this stuff, some
Christian couples. Even having like anal sex
because it's technically not quote, unquote penis vagina sex,
which is the only real sex all day.
So you know heterosexual bullshit, whatever like it is
why you'll to me that this is a thing and that I thought this
for so so long. It's literally not true.
It is not true in especially when it comes to what we think
you know real Sexes. We think oh real sex penetration
that's going to feel the most intimate that's going to be you
know if I give that to someone that's going to feel like you're
such a big deal. I can promise you right now.
If you have oral sex with someone, that can also be a huge
like transfer of emotions of energy of like intimacy, like it
is so intimate and personally, I will say, I'm not going to argue
that this is for a lot of people are anyone or whatever anyone
other about being anyone other than me.
But I find oral sex to be extremely more intimate than
penetrative sex. Because it's like, holy shit.
They're like faces up in my shit.
Shit like this. It's like free.
And like I mean it's great but it's also like it can be very
scary. It can be very intimate
especially with a new partner or if it's you know, the first time
you're doing it or whatever. And so I just want to clarify
and make sure that you know that there is no quote-unquote, real
sex, you know, they're, you know, any kind of sexual
experience that you have with somebody is real sex.
And yes, that can be between two women.
Yes, that can be between two men or two non-binary.
Ball or whatever it is all quote-unquote real sex and
that's not even a thing. Okay.
Sex is sex and don't think that you're protecting yourself from
transferring, you know, these emotions or whatever because
you're not having like penis vagina sex.
Like that's Lids. Trust me.
Just trust me. All right.
Yes, you might feel like it is more of an intimate thing
because it is like you are putting your parts into each
other parts, like it is obviously.
It it is obviously like a very it can be a deep connection with
somebody but it isn't necessarily the most important
or best version of sex or whatever.
There's just so much when it comes to sex.
So many things that you can do in penetration is literally just
one of them. So yeah, that's it.
I think that's everything I want to say today.
I'm really happy that I did today's episode because these
are all things that I really wanted to talk about.
And you guys really like the tick-tock.
Put out the other day about this and so hopefully you enjoyed me
going into it a little more in-depth and there you go.
If you have any questions or you want to chat about anything that
I talked about today or you just liked today's episode and you
want like more shit like this. Look, let me know please feel
free to DM me any feedback. Anything.
I loves it, loves it, loves it. DM me.
It's Alyssa Taylor Harper on Instagram, it's also that on
Tick-Tock and I'm going to link that below for you.
If you want to go hit me up and then Facebook, we have a Group
called The she said what podcast group.
So, feel free to come find us over there.
We just finished our book club, where we read in the Flow by
Alisa Vitti, which is a book about cycle sinking.
If you don't know what that is, goal is to my episodes about it,
that shit will change your life dead ass.
It's not something like I made up just to clarify that it's,
it's really cool and just I've interviewed people on it and
it's really, really amazing. So, that's it.
Thanks guys, you rock. Thank you for listening today
and I will see you next Monday. Update by the way on this, I
will say before I go, is that episodes are coming out every
Monday. Right now, they have been for
the last little bit, I think I'm gonna keep doing Mondays.
I think that's what's working and for me and just how my life
is fucking going right now and I'm going to be doing video
podcast soon which I'm really excited about.
And I literally am like creating a set guys.
Like I just painted a whole ass wall for y'all.
So I can't wait for you to see my face, huh?
When I talk and if you don't want to do that, just, you know,
you can always just like close the app.
Up and it's just going to be on Spotify.
For the meantime we're going to try that.
We're going to see if you like it and if you like it, I will
keep doing it. If you don't like it, then we'll
do something different because it's all about you.
Okay. I'm here for you.
I love you. See you next time.
Don't forget to follow the podcast wherever you listen.
All that shit. I don't know.
Alright, bye. Up and it's just going to be on
Spotify. For the meantime we're going to
try that. We're going to see if you like
it and if you like it, I will keep doing it.
If you don't like it, then we'll do something different because
it's all about you. Okay.
I'm here for you. I love you.
See you next time. Don't forget to follow the
podcast wherever you listen. All that shit.
I don't know. Alright, bye.