You're listening to. She said what with your host
Alyssa Harper? Hello sexy people.
Welcome back to. She said what if you have not
been here before then I just want to welcome you and let you
know that this is an inclusive space for you to come and grow
and become the best version of yourself.
Whether we are talking about sex and sexuality relationships or
just how to get by through life when things are tough.
And this is a space for you. Today we're going to be talking
about growing in a sexual relationship.
Friendship with a partner. So, last week I made an episode
about growing in your sexual relationship with yourself,
which is the foundation of all of your other sexual
relationships. So I will recommend that you go
and listen to that episode first, but it's absolutely not
required, and you can definitely get so.
So, so much out of this episode, just listening to it on its own.
I am making this episode because we aren't taught about how to
talk about sex. We're usually told Sex is
shameful why? It is dirty, why it is wrong?
Why it's risky and we aren't encouraged to talk about how to
make sex fulfilling and pleasurable and fun and light
and simple and something that we can understand and some of that
we can just enjoy. And so that's why I want to talk
to you guys about this today. Some people find it really
difficult to express their wants during sex and they kind of just
settle for a sex life that they they aren't super excited about
and that is such a shame and that's not going to be you.
So this is going to help you to not do that.
And although people can be unhappy with their sex life,
many people don't prioritize change because it doesn't feel
necessary to them. They don't believe that they
deserve pleasure and they don't want to be a bother, especially
women. And so, it's really important
that we have this conversation, you might be listening today
because you feel stuck in a sexual relationship.
Relationship. You might feel like you've lost
a spark with somebody. Maybe you just want to explore
more with somebody and you are definitely going to get all of
that out of today's episode. And I'm super excited for this
episode. So let's get right into it.
Little update on my week as per use.
Nothing crazy is going on, guys. I'm a bit boring at the moment.
I've literally just been like hanging out relaxing.
You guys know I love cycle thinking and thinking about
where I'm at in my cycle and hormonal e at the moment, I'm
just very chill. I'm in my luteal phase and it's
just, it always surprises me every single month, how much my
luteal phase is like, such a Um, face for me, I do definitely
experience symptoms of PMs and I do feel irritable at times and
things like that, but I never really experienced the kind of,
like, anxiety that I typically experienced throughout my cycle
in thy luteal phase because all my hormones are just chilling,
everything is nice and low and relax, and it genuinely is like
a really nice time for me to connect with myself.
And so I've just been in that been spending a lot of time on
my own journaling kind of like similar to what I said last week
as well. Actually just kind of like Zhang
where I'm at in my life and kind of figuring out if I am where I
want to be and it's been really fulfilling for me.
So that's when this week, very chill, very relaxed.
And tonight I'm going to go to a trivia with some of my friends
which sounds strange. But we do this and we just find
random things to go to and it's a lot of fun and my friend is
actually hosting it. So we're going to be going to
that tonight so I'm excited for that.
Yeah, that's basically it. I want to get right into the
topic because there's a bit to cover here.
I'm going to start out with the things that I consider to be
must-haves in any sexual experience.
These are not only things that are just like Baseline.
You absolutely should do these things and you need to do these
things but also things that are just going to make you feel safe
and give you a correct. I shouldn't say correct.
But like give you the boundaries that I believe are so valuable
to have when you're going into a sexual experience.
The first One is consent and of course this goes without saying
but it's important to actually talk about consent and what that
actually means enthusiastic consent is when somebody is
enthusiastically saying hell, yes to a sexual experience and
that doesn't look like somebody saying like, oh maybe not
tonight and then the partner encouraging them or coercing, we
should call it. That is wrong.
That's something that should not be done and it again.
Then to you, you may be thinking well, obviously, but a lot of
people don't see it that way. A lot of people think it's okay
to again I'm doing quotations with my fingers if you're not
watching me right now but like convince people, it's really
important that someone is enthusiastically excited to have
sex with you and that you are feeling the same towards them.
It is not something that is one in done, and that's the thing
with consent. It's not even just one in done
in the single experience. If you're asking somebody, do
you want to have sex? Or are we thinking?
We might have sex tonight or what sort today, or whatever?
What's, what's the idea? If you ask that and they say,
yes, that doesn't mean that anything goes.
Obviously, you know, when you're then in that experience with
them, you are continuing to ask for consent for different
things. And that could be things that
you do alongside actual like intercourse like choking and
different like levels of where you're at.
And that sexual experience. For example, if you have oral
sex with somebody, you can't assume that they want to have
penetrative sex, right? It's a continuous conversation
and it's something that you need to be able to do if you want to
have sex. If you are not somebody who's
comfortable to ask somebody for consent, then in my opinion, you
shouldn't be having sex because that is like the Baseline of
making sure that everybody in the experience is feeling safe.
Another thing about consent, not being one and done is if
somebody wants to Do something at one time in one sexual
experience. It doesn't mean that they're
going to want to do it the next time.
Just because someone has sex with you, once doesn't mean that
they're going to want to have sex again.
And so again it's a continuous conversation not just in a
single sexual experience but overall and I think it's just
really important to note that first and foremost, so that is
consent. Number two is caution.
Yes of course we need to talk about safer sex practices and
the reason I say safer is because Cuz we don't really say
safe anymore. Most people don't use the word,
the, like, the term safe sex anymore, because there's always
risks, obviously, to sex whether that is pregnancy or STIs, or a
many other things, you know, there's a lot of reasons why you
want to be safe with how you enjoy pleasure so that you don't
have to worry about shit down the road.
Like the last thing you want is to have this amazing experience
with somebody and then be like lying there, late at night being
like fuck. I hope I'm not.
Pregnant or no I have to go get a Plan B pill or you know to
have to deal with the Fallout from poor sexual choices ones
that maybe you don't make when you are sober or ones that you
make, when you're like, highly, emotional things like that.
And, of course, those things happen.
Of course, it's real. You know, a lot of people don't
use condoms in the way that they probably should, or think that
they should. And that's why we talk about
safer sex and making sure that you are putting the boundaries
in place that you are. Comfortable with.
For example, if you are on some sort of hormonal birth control
and you're with a partner and you don't want to use a condom
that is your choice and there is like nobody can tell you that
you have to do things a certain way, but it is up to you to own
that you are taking care of yourself.
And another thing with that is STI testing which should be a
regular practice as well. And I don't like saying should
that much I really don't like being like this is how things
should be but When you are choosing to potentially put
somebody else at risk, that's when there's a bit of an issue.
You know what I mean? That's when it's important that
we are actually taking those annoying steps like setting up
an appointment and showing up to that appointment and paying for
that appointment, which I know is not easy and is frustrating,
but it does mean that you and the person that you're going
into that experience with can feel safe and that is such an
important part of sex. One last thing that I want to
mention about Caution is the conversation that you have with
a partner before you have a sexual experience with them and
you absolutely have all the right to ask a partner potential
partner. What is your STI status?
When is the last time that you got tested for STIs?
And on top of all of that, you should absolutely voice.
What is going to make you comfortable.
When it comes to potential, barriers that you might want to
use. And like I said earlier, that's
condoms. That could also be dams use.
To cover the vulva or any kind of anal play and you can
actually get internal condoms as well for vaginal insertion.
These are not as common. Obviously condoms are the most
common thing here, but there are other options out there for
whatever reason condoms don't really sit with you.
Well don't really work for you. There are other options just so
you're aware. I know.
It can seem uncomfortable and this is the thing.
A lot of these conversations are not the easiest conversations,
right? Sometimes, you just want to jump
into it with that person. I think, oh, well, I should ask
them this thing, but let's just do it cuz I really like them.
And I don't want them to think. I mean, I think anything - of
them, but a mature person, and emotionally mature person that
you're choosing have a sexual experience with, should be able
to receive that well, and do you know how sexy it is to be with
somebody? Who's on the same page as you
like you know sexy it is to just have somebody who is so open to
have that conversation who is like they're listening to your
boundaries like that is such a turn-on because again that
safety element that I can trust this person element is like the
core Foundation to a good sexual experience number.
Three, is communication? All right?
Have you noticed, they're all C's Lissa, how did you plan this
so well? I know, thank you so much.
Thanks guys, Round of Applause. Communication is so, so, so
important, obviously, in any sexual experience and that looks
like so many different things. I don't want to say that it has
to always be verbal there. Obviously ways that could humans
communicate through facial expressions.
And through sounds, obviously we know that if you are making
pleasurable, sounding sounds that usually communicates that
you are enjoying what is happening, but make sure that
you are using those. Well, and what I mean by that is
not trying to fill space, with moans and things that sound
like, good feedback to your partner.
If they aren't doing, The things that you like, of course.
So many of us have done this in situations.
People fake orgasms all the time.
I myself, obviously, I figured orgasms.
I will let you guys know that, first and foremost, okay,
sometimes it just happened back in the day.
Not now obviously, but way back when and it usually comes back
to that fear of, I don't want to tell them what I want.
So I'm just going to pretend that.
This is what I want because if they think that I'm happy I am
happy. I'm just I don't you know I
don't need to come. You kind of like make these
excuses to make it okay in your mind.
But it is so much more enjoyable when you actually hold space for
yourself and communicate what you like, and that can be the
smallest thing that could be a little, to the left, a little to
the right, a little up, a little down, a little slower, a little
faster, maybe you could, like, finger me, I don't know.
You know, it's saying the things that you want along the way, and
it gets easier with time. I promise you that now, okay, if
you are like, nope, not me too scary.
No, no, don't shut yourself out from it.
Do not, because I'm not saying that right?
Now, after you've probably, you know, maybe you never talked
during sex, you've literally never said a word.
I'm not saying that you should turn around right now and go and
dominate your partner. Like, I'm, it's not that you
have to have this crazy change, but it's these little bits of
communication and overtime, saying a little bit to the left
a little bit to the right can become.
I want you to do this to me. I want you to do that or I want
to try this with you or can I do this to you?
And that's what can make. It really, really exciting, and
really fun and The easier that dialogue is the more you both
get to just own your pleasure and that is so valuable and I
want to say this goes without saying but for many years it
didn't for me if you are experiencing pain during sex
communicate that communicate it because I can talk about it a
little bit later and actually have a whole episode just
specifically on pain during sex if that is like an issue for
you, but there are things that you can do, right?
You don't have to just put Up with it.
You don't just have to keep going.
You don't just have to, you know, and I know that seems like
well obviously, but for at least for me, I don't know about you.
But at least for me for a long time, especially when I was
younger in the, you know, starting out my sexual journey,
I just felt like I wanted to perform well in sex.
For me felt like this performance.
I wanted to look a certain way. You know.
I wanted to make sure like my body was situated a certain way.
So they thought I looked hot and like that it was doing all the
right things and at the end of the day I Not satisfied, right?
So then why would I continue to keep having sex with somebody
that isn't satisfying me and part of me could have looked at
that situation and been like, well you know, they don't
obviously know how to make a woman come, they don't care, but
blah, blah blah, you know how men are and yes part of that is
true in some cases but if you are faking orgasms and you are
moaning when you don't like what they are doing and you are
saying yes baby. That was the best sex of my life
and you are not in. Enjoying yourself.
You are not owning your pleasure and I say this because I had to,
you know, at one point get out of that, I'm not saying that it
is a bad thing. I know it is difficult but take
it into your own hands because you deserve pleasure.
Now, talking about communication outside of the bedroom is also.
So so so important and something that doesn't have to be like
weird. It doesn't have to be like a
sit-down birds and bees kind of talk, you know.
It can actually be very sexy. It's actually like amazing
foreplay. So that's it.
Time that you could definitely slip that in there.
But the reason we talk about sex outside of sexual context, is it
removes pressure between you and the partner.
So for example if you really want to try something with your
partner in that could be a position.
It could be a toy, it could be anything right?
You want to try something with your partner?
If you are in the middle of having sex with them, you both
might have had might have a little bit of saying xiety, you
know, performance anxiety, during sex and you're trying to
be sexy and you're trying to make sure that everything is
looking how you want to look at trying to do.
All the things and they have Partners like hey can we try
this or you're like oh can we try this?
It can seem a little bit like oh now I have to say yes or no, and
I'm under the pressure of the content, the actual context of
having sex with this person right now, whereas, if you have
these conversations outside of the bedroom, and again, these
can be very sexy conversations. Then it allows space for really
clear communication and really clear consent.
You know, in a perfect world. We would do this all the time.
It's not that Going to happen that way.
And if you and your partner and the person, the person that
you're having sex with is comfortable to have those
conversations during sex then awesome, but I definitely see
value in both regardless of where you're at in that
relationship. If you have something to share
with your partner, where you are telling them, I don't like this
thing. I wrote in my notes compliment
sandwich that bitch because it's a really good look.
I know it's so like preliminary, but it is such a good way to
communicate. When you're trying to be like
Hey I actually don't like when you slap my ass, it actually
hurts me. And I'm just it doesn't turn me
on, for example, right? So you say that I actually don't
like when you do that thing. If you sit down with your
partner you know you're trying to be sex-positive your you
listen to the podcast, you do all the things you're on your
self-love journey and you sit down with your partner and you
say to them hey this fucking sucks.
They probably aren't going to receive it very well.
Whereas if you sit down and you say, hey I love that I could
share sex with Thank you for sharing that part of your life
with me. You are so sexy.
I love when you do this thing. I've noticed that you do this
thing. I actually don't love that.
And to now that I'm thinking about it, slapping somebody's
probably not the best example because that comes back to
consent. So let's scratch that we're
going to use something like when you use the vibrator on my the
opening of my vagina, in comparison to on my clitoris, I
don't like the vibrator down there.
They just have it in the wrong spot.
Doesn't feel the best. Best kind of situation, right?
Okay. If you have a hard time during
sex communicating a little up. If you don't like doing that
then outside of the bedroom and saying you know I really love is
when you put the vibrator on my clitoris I fucking love it.
That's what feels amazing for me.
I don't actually like it around my vagina and the opening of my
vagina. Actually I've realized that
recently so let's keep it up north and thank you so much and
I love you so much. That is like such a good way to
put it together and your partner goes like, oh yeah.
I feel sexy. I Feel Love.
Phil wanted. Okay, sleigh, and they feel
supported. Does that make sense?
I feel like that's a really great way to go and communicate,
when something kind of - it's happening, obviously, if it's
something positive than fuck. Yeah, tell them.
The more confident you make your partner feel the more they're
going to feel confident to step into things and try new things,
and feel good, and have a pleasurable experience with you.
And so, always take time to tell them what you like, if you feel
comfortable to do that, because I think that is.
So so so nice for somebody sex is not an easy topic for anybody
and so literally, anybody Like, it's pretty rare.
Pretty pretty rare that people are just like a hundred percent.
So cool. So, chill talking to anyone
about anything, right? That's so rare.
And you want to level of trust in all of that, right?
And so it's really important that if we have it in us to say
those things to our partners, because trust me, they will love
it and they will just want to have more sex with you even if
there isn't a problem or something that you want to talk
about. Like something you specifically
need to talk about with your partner, I would still encourage
you to talk about sex outside of a sexual context.
And you can do this in a lot of different ways.
I've mentioned this before on the podcast, but there's
something called the Yes, No, Maybe list that you can
download. All actually, I'll pop it down
in the show notes for you guys. I want to say it's by sex by
Emily. I could be wrong, but it'll be
down there for you. Anyways.
Something that you can like print out or even just do online
you and your partner and it's really cool because then you get
to go through together and talk about the things that you maybe
with dry. You definitely want to try or
you definitely don't want to try and that can spark the most
interesting. Conversations I've done this
before with a partner and we literally got like there's
probably 15 questions. There's something I want to say
or 15 things that you can try, right?
And we literally got like three in and I had a whole
conversation, we didn't even finish going through the list,
we were like my God, okay, pin in it.
And let's come back and have this conversation later.
Like you would be shocked at how much it starts to open and
expand. And if you're comfortable, you
tell stories about when you've maybe tried to things before and
that's just, it can be so so so fun.
If that's not for you, that's totally fine.
You can just talk about the two of you but I find that really
interesting. Personally, maybe that's just
me, or if you just want to talk about what you like, I'm going
to go through a few things, you can talk about very quickly, you
can talk about what you enjoy. Do you enjoy receiving more than
giving or giving more than receiving?
Do, you prefer like oral, do you like hand stuff?
Do you love penetration? Do like penetration, but maybe
with a mix of clitoris, stimulation, do you prefer
clitoris? Stimulation on its own.
Do you prefer? Anal stimulation if you were to
have that kind of stimulation. What would you like?
Do you like specific positions? What positions do you like do
you have a favorite? Do you have a least favorite?
Maybe you have a conversation with your partner and you go, oh
yeah, I actually really like this one and they go.
I love love, love this one. And you go.
Look, that's not my favorite but I do like it because it makes me
feel this thing and then your partner, right?
You can talk about. Okay, what's gonna make that
position better? Maybe we can add in a toy or we
Change it this way, or we can do that.
Like, it's really, really interesting how much you could
get into it and there's still so much more like, have you ever
used toys before? Do you want to use toys?
What toy would we get? If we could get any toy right
now, do we want to try different Kinks, like things like bondage
and rope play, and massage oils and wax, play, or food play.
Like, there is so much that you can get into and these are sexy
conversations. These are Fun conversations.
Why would you not want to do this one last thing that you can
do as well to help you have that communication with your partner
is to use external things and like I said like the Yes No
Maybe list. There's also many quizzes that
you can find online about exploring sex and trying new
things. You can do a kink test.
You can create your own quiz which I have done before with a
partner and it is so fun. And it was specific questions
that I genuinely just wanted to know the answer on.
So I made two of them and I we sat there and we filled them all
out. And we got like really
interesting feedback from that and why I allowed them to do the
same thing and ask questions that they wanted to know.
And it was just really, really cool, so recommend doing that
and lastly, you can get like little cards decks of cards.
I don't know what it's called, the little like intimacy carts
and I know you can get some from Bush.
I forget what they're called right now, but I'll link them
below. So you guys have the all the
resources, everything you need but they have really great
questions. Like what was Your best sexual
experience or what is your favorite position or what is
your favorite non sexual sexual thing?
You know what something that turns you on, what something
that turns you off and those questions are really fun and
valuable as well. And it's just nice because then
you can buy it and you can pop the little deck on like your
coffee table or whatever. And you can just use them
whenever and it just Sparks conversation.
And, as a lot of fun, now that we've gone through the
must-haves of consent caution and communication, I want to
talk about the Man, I know I know the common problems that I
hear I would say like these are the top ones that I hear from
you guys. I don't know if this is like
generally the top ones of like everybody.
I wouldn't I wouldn't think so. I don't know.
I don't have the fucking statistics on it but I know you
guys and I talk to you guys all the time and these are the
things that I've seen come up and I just want to speak to each
of these issues briefly and kind of give you my little tips and
I'm going to read something as well from A book that I've been
reading recently. So let's get into the first
problem that sometimes couples typically typically more
long-term as well. Sex starts to become a little
bit boring, or it starts to become infrequent.
Sometimes a mix of the two and ways that you can mix it up a
little bit, is to obviously, and I'm sure you've heard this
before to try something new and again seems obvious but we
genuinely forget how much small things Make a big difference,
like something as small as a feather because of this sensory
item the way that it works. As a sensor, Adam, it is so, so
beautiful and exciting like a Tickler.
If you haven't, my God, we're never mind.
I'm not gonna run, it's fine. A Tickler is like, it's like a
little fluffy ball thing, and it's on a stick and you can use
it to create like that tickling sensation.
Okay, give me a second. You can get Ticklers.
I've seen this all before where you get a Tickler on one side
and it has like a little, like, whip thing on the other side,
like just a slicks, a little scrap of leather kind of thing.
That's like a two in one. I'm the guys, these things are
like $15. All right.
Get it at your local. Like these are the things that
you would think. Oh, it's like I need some whole
Toy. I need some crazy.
Bubba, bunny to spend $200? No, you don't.
Okay, you can get small things. You can get things from your
fridge. You can get strawberries, you
know, you can get whipped cream, you can get chocolate.
It, you can get lots and lots of things.
I thought Tick-Tock this week of someone talking about how she
uses food when she's experiencing self pleasure and
how it's like her favorite practice.
And as she's masturbating, she like feeds herself food.
I was like, whoa, that is whoa, why am I not doing what the
fuck? What am I not do?
I'm out of doing that. Those are my two favorite
things, you know? So these are the things that you
can be doing that. It's not some crazy difference,
right? But it's small things like being
in a different room. With your partner, right?
Maybe you always think oh, we're sitting on the couch, oh no, we
have to go to the bedroom. Maybe we start on the couch,
might be a little bit different, create a bit of novelty, which
is often what couples are missing when they start to feel
like their sex becomes a little bit boring.
And so that is something that would definitely encourage you
to try new things, try new positions, new little things.
It can be something crazy and out there.
And like, let's go to some, let's go to a bondage class.
Let's go to a rope tying class. Let's do something crazy, right?
It could be something. More out there that really
pushes you or it could be something very small.
I would recommend you try multiple different things and
maybe you try one thing and it doesn't really work.
Maybe you try one thing and you're both like it was all
right, at least you tried it together and you're both willing
to commit to exploring together and that's really important.
Another thing is sometimes, if you're in a long-term
relationship and you have this thing of like, oh we're not
having enough sex or like it's to spaced out or whatever.
It's because we're seeing sex as being this thing that we have to
do, and it's like, Separate from our lives.
It's not necessarily something that just like flows throughout
our lives. It's like sex is sex and it
looks like one thing and it's penetrative sex and we both come
and that's X. And when we see sex as being one
thing, and we get into a routine with our partner, where sex kind
of looks the same every time. Then we miss out on experiencing
just giving pleasure to our partner or just receiving
pleasure, or having a massage that Might turn into sex but
doesn't necessarily turn into sex.
And again I say it like that because we've been taught that
sex is penetrative sex but it's not it really that whole
experience can be sexual and can be intimate.
And what I would say is to focus on intimacy, don't focus on
having sex focus on being intimate with your partner
because sometimes a very intimate conversation can be
what you need and sex isn't like the end.
All be Be all to whether or not you are having intimacy with
your partner and that is so so important to get our minds
around. Now I'm going to read from this
book that I've been reading which I am loving, it's called
the ethical slut, and it is just really challenging the way that
I see relationships. Obviously, first and foremost,
the way I see myself and my body the way that I see, like, sexual
relationships, and it just challenges, like, I do,
Everything that have ever been taught about sex and monogamy,
and I just am really loving it and I flagged this page for you
guys because I wanted to read what it says.
Let's go says, the idea of sex as something set aside, a
discrete definable activity, like driving a car.
Just doesn't hold up very well. We think, erotic energy is
everywhere in the deep breath that fills our lungs.
As we step out into a warm spring morning in the cold
water, spilling over the rocks and a broke in the creativity.
That drives us to paint pictures and tell stories, and make music
and write books. I love that.
It says, the more we learn about sex, the less we know how to
define it, and it's so true sex to me is something that flows
through a relationship. It flows through your day,
intimacy and pleasure and desire, it flows through every
experience. And it isn't something that
necessarily starts and ends in the more that we can.
Open up our mindset to that way of thinking, the less pressure,
we put on our self, and our partner to create some sort of
sexual experience, is starts to flow in more naturally and when
that pressure is off, it can actually give space for amazing
sexual experiences. Which is why my last tip is to
go on a sex Hiatus. No sex choose to have no sex for
however long you and your partner want to agree on.
Maybe it's a month. Maybe that sounds crazy to you,
maybe it's It's a week, right? Whatever it is.
You're choosing to remove the pressure that you put on your
relationship to have sex. Obviously, if this is an issue,
right? You take off that pressure and
what it does is it allows both of you to go, okay, we don't
have to do whatever, you know, we don't have to do anything.
Sex is not a marker of how healthy we are.
We can chill. We can be whatever we want to
be. We don't have to try to come
off. A sexual look a certain way.
We don't have to try to please our partner.
We can just chill for a second and Sometimes just that break
grows this desire, and it also sometimes can make you want to
just quit the Hiatus because just even taking the pressure
off allows both of you to feel that connection again.
So that's a really interesting tip as well that you could
absolutely tryout. I've heard really great stories,
about people doing that but yet, think about it, think about
what's going to work for you and your partner and let's move on.
We're now going to talk about being unable to orgasm with your
partner, but But being able to orgasm when you are
masturbating. This is a really, really common
issue for obvious reasons, you know, when you're with a
partner, like I said earlier, sometimes you feel like you're
trying to perform and sometimes you feel like they're extra
pressures and maybe you don't want your partner to have to
wait for your body to respond a certain way.
Maybe that feels embarrassing to you.
We shouldn't have to feel that way but sometimes it feels that
way. And let's be real.
That's fucking real. You know sometimes you feel
embarrassed by how you might look when An orgasm.
Maybe when you masturbate, you do something that you find
embarrassing, it's not. But something that you think
looks embarrassing, and you think, well, I'm never going to
be able to replicate that in front of a partner.
So good, fucking luck to me. What I would encourage you to do
in this situation is to show them.
Be honest. Be fucking for real.
My man, be fucking for real. Mutual masturbation is great.
It not only allows both of you to take the pleasure.
Into your own hands. It's fun and explorative if it's
something you don't normally do with your partner but it's also
fucking education. Like it teaches your partner.
What you like? I think it is so cool.
If I'm ever with a partner and maybe amongst other things, they
are adding to their own pleasure.
I'm like, yeah. Like to me, it's so hot and
like, sleigh, like get it, get what you want.
Like, please make this what you want it to be and I feel like
I'm like, wow, I just want to like, watch and Be interested
because I find educational. And I obviously it's hot and
whatever the that's besides the point.
It's the fact that it's like I can see and be like oh wow.
Like you do it that way. Oh my God.
That's so interesting. So it is just really cool.
I think it's an opportunity for you to learn from your partner
and it's sexy and fucking fun. Another little tip here is if
you are comfortable enough with your partner saying, I want to
sit down and I want to talk about and like have sex but like
all Also talked as we're having sex and not try to be sexy.
Not obviously you can talk and be sexy at the same time, but I
mean, like, you can try to have like a bit of a sesh.
Like let's have a learning session, let's have a sit down.
I'm going to show you what I like I'm going to do and we can
talk normally like it's almost more of like an information
session to sit down and be like, I really want to show you this.
Like, what do you think about this?
This is kind of how I, you know, this is how I do this when I am
penetrating. Anything I prefer to go up this
way or I prefer to go back that way.
All those little details that probably like you don't want to
say in this situation, but you're like, it would just make
it so much better. Now is your time to shine, baby.
This is the time where they are sitting down, and they're
saying, I am here to listen to you, to open up to you to be
comfortable. I'm going to receive the
education that you give me, make sure you feel like you are in
that space. And then actually have that
conversation with them that can obviously be very sexy and very
fun but also just like me Really important kind of like
maintenance in a sexual relationship if that's not your
thing, that's not your thing. That's totally fine, depends on
how comfy you are but just thought I'd throw it out there.
That nothing is weird. Okay.
Nothing is fucking weird. If you want to try something and
you want to try it you know is if you communicate that you want
to try it and they don't want to do it.
Cool. That's fine.
They're not consenting to it. They don't want to do it.
They're not interested. Maybe you'll do that another day
with us. Another sexual partner, or maybe
you'll do that somehow on your own, right?
There's always ways to keep The conversation open and flowing.
All right, last but not least, we're going to talk about pain
during sex just briefly and again I have a whole podcast
episode on this if this is a big issue and you want to go and
listen to that, after please, feel free, but pain during sex.
A lot of the time, a lot of the time comes down to a lack of
lubrication and maybe you've been like, no, seriously, I've
tried it before. We've used a lot of spit Bremer,
not spit, we're talking Lube, okay?
A lot of people don't use Lube, it is.
End of the world. For me, it makes me makes my
heart hurt honestly of jail. I just, I can't, I don't
understand it and here's the thing, sometimes your body is
going to naturally create goop, goofy things, goofy things so
that you can you know, move nice and slippery down there and
sometimes it's not. And when it does create that
that's so slay. That might be because you're in
a certain part of your hormonal cycle, that might be good.
Be because you have certain external factors that are
affecting you in that time. The temperature of the room or
different smells or different things to do with your senses,
it can literally come back to so many things.
And when your body responds in a sexual way, for example, having
an erection or being wet, or having, it's similar to how a
penis owner has an erection where your vulva actually like
fills with blood and becomes kind of like puffy, sometimes he
comes a little bit like darker in color, that's another kind of
sexual response that you might have if you have a vulva but
that doesn't always happen. Happen because you are turned on
and you want to have sex. And a lot of people Miss take
their body's reactions for meaning that they want or don't
want something. If you're with a partner and you
want to have sex and you're like, oh, you know, like feeling
it and then you're not wet, you should not feel embarrassed by
that. You should not feel confused by
that, like maybe this is actually, isn't it?
Like no k. Your body's gonna do a lot of
different things and on the flip side, your body might do that in
times when it is not super appropriate.
It for it to do that. And I know that penis honors
really struggle with this because it is so obvious, you
know? And as of owner, I'm very
grateful that I don't have to experience that.
Thank God, sorry boys. But it is what it is, you know,
we have to kind of use what we have and then understand water
bodies doing why it's doing it. And not try to put some meaning
to it all the time. Please find a water-based Lube
you can use it with toys, find one that is going.
Going to work for you. If you are somewhere, you can go
to a local sex shop, you might even be able to try some of the
Lubes. I know that you can do that at
Max black in Newtown, which is my favorite sex store.
You can literally go up and they will put it on your hand and you
can like rub it around. Look you little tissue to wipe
it off. You can try another one, it's
the best time ever. You can also use silicone based
Loops, but because a lot of people use toys water based
Lubes are the only Kind of lube that you can use with toys.
So it usually makes more sense to just go with water-based.
But for some people, they prefer the extra kind of lubricant that
the silicone based lube can sometimes provide and so make
that choice on your own whatever you want.
But please God, please you some lube.
Another issue might be that you are not warmed up enough.
Sometimes we rush you know we rush into penetration and that's
not always the best thing for the Volvo.
Owner, it can be, you know, maybe you might sometimes be
feeling like really just warmed up on your own and you're able
to jump right into it, but a lot of people need sometime to have
their body become aroused and what you can do as well
alongside this is to find a form of penetration that is going to
warm you up for penis, penetration or dildo
penetration, or whatever, kind of penetration, you are working
towards. If that's where the pain is
being caused. And again, right now, I'm
talking specifically about Pain on penetration.
So that's going to be around the opening of the vagina.
And that is usually, like I said, caused by friction that
lack of lubrication, AKA friction and then not being
warmed up. So what you can do is you can
get a toy or even using fingers, of course, something that is
like smaller than the thing that you want to penetrate with later
on in the sexual experience and use that to warm up the area,
even just to get lube up into that area.
And to make it so that your body knows what's going on and can
kind of relax and get comfy. There are other forms of pain
that you can feel during sex that have nothing to do with
penetration. They can be related to pelvic
floor and many other things. In that case, I would definitely
recommend going to go see a gynecologist and then they can
refer you out to whatever you need to do.
Maybe that will be a pelvic floor therapist.
And so I would definitely go see a doctor if you feel like you're
like No, girl trust me, I tried the Lubes.
Tried the warming up. Shit's, not working, all good.
Go see a doctor. They're gonna help you out.
And last but not least, there is the issue of feeling like
there's a lack of chemistry and that might be something that
maybe you once had with somebody and then eventually you kind of
feel like you just like don't have with them anymore for some
reason, or maybe that's your first time having a sexual
experience with this person and you're like, something isn't
working. That just the vibe is not there
and look if on your first sexual Audience with someone the vibe
just isn't there. You can absolutely grow it.
You can work towards growing it. If that's something that you
want to do, say maybe you're in a long like a relationship with
this person and you look waited for this.
And now for some reason it's not working, I'm not saying to give
up okay. Sometimes lack of chemistry and
I don't know what to call it like lack of connection.
You know that like what just what makes it click.
What makes sex just click if that feels like, it's not there.
Sometimes you need to find that with somebody.
And that is absolutely possible. Sometimes it is worth moving on
and just finding a new partner, but that's not your only option.
So don't freak out. And sometimes, there are things
that are causing that lack of connection that have nothing to
do with sex, and this is really important to be aware of,
obviously, sometimes, if there are emotional issues in the
relationship, or there's a particular stress with either
person in the relationship or there's something external to
sex that isn't quite going right now.
That can absolutely affect the sexual experience of that person
or of those people. There's nothing wrong with
telling someone hey I just don't think we clicked and I've heard
this time and time again I've had friends even recently tell
me oh you have gone on a date sat there you know we went on a
whole dinner hours and hours of talking having the best time
from the moment we kissed. I knew it wasn't going to work
because it just the energy was not there.
The vibe was not there like he know, maybe they weren't a
really good kisser. They weren't really this thing
or you know, Different expectations for that person.
Maybe that person act like, they were there going to be a lot
more dominant and then they weren't as dominant or the
opposite, you know, like there are things that sometimes when
you actually get down to the nitty-gritty of it, they just
don't really work out. And that's okay.
I hope that you find people that you really connect with and that
you put yourself out there to go and connect with those people
because when you do find those connections it's going to be
really cool because then you can use all the things that we
talked about in today's episode and all the things that we
talked about in last week's episode as well.
That is everything that I'm going to share.
On this topic. For now guys, I want to thank
you so much for listening for being here, for sharing the
podcast on your Instagram stories and to your friends in
the way that you guys share and support me in the show and
everything is just so amazing. So thank you.
So so so much if you want to find me on social media, I'm on
Alyssa Taylor Harper on Instagram and Tick, Tock, and we
have a Facebook group as well called the she said what podcast
group where I update you guys on everything that's going on with
the show and people ask for advice and stuff.
As well. Super cute kind of love it.
So please come join us on there and follow on I have a podcast
or Spotify or rubber. You listen and thank you so so
much for all the support because all those little things that you
do, it genuinely makes a big difference to me so thank you
and I appreciate you. And if you have anything that
you want to hear about on the podcast, any recommendations,
anything that you want to share and talk about, please feel free
to come DM, me and I will see you guys in the next episode.
Bye guys.