1 00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:03,900 You're listening to. She said what with your house 2 00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:06,200 Alyssa Harper? Hello sexy people. 3 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,300 Welcome back to. She said what if you have not 4 00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,000 been here before then I just want to welcome you. 5 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:13,100 And let you know that this is a space for you to grow to become 6 00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:16,100 the best version of yourself. Whether we are talking about 7 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:20,800 self growth, relationships, sex and sexuality, or whatever. 8 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,600 We were talking about your leaving this space feeling, like 9 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,400 you have a place to go and you've received some really 10 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,900 genuine real helpful advice on the things that we are talking. 11 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,900 Talking about today we're going to be talking about dealing with 12 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:36,100 toxic people. This is also just like dealing 13 00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:37,800 with difficult people in your life. 14 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,900 When you know there's someone in your workplace that kind of 15 00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:43,100 sucks that kind of brings the mood down. 16 00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:46,200 Maybe you see them on the schedule and you're like, what I 17 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,300 have to work with them or you're sitting there before bed at 18 00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:50,600 night thinking, look, I have to go deal with that person that I 19 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,600 sit across from at my desk, you know. 20 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:56,400 Or maybe there's somebody in your family that you can't cut 21 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,900 out. But you need to set some 22 00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:02,000 boundaries with them and Need to learn to deal with the way that 23 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:05,500 they are disrespecting. You or maybe it's somebody in 24 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,400 your friend group where you don't want to leave the friend 25 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,500 group, that person is probably not going to leave the friend 26 00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:12,100 group but you want to avoid them at all cost. 27 00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:15,300 Today we're gonna be talking about those types of people and 28 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:18,600 how to either build a better relationship with that person 29 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,300 build some boundaries. So you have some separation from 30 00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:24,600 that person or completely cut that person out of your life. 31 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,900 We're also going to be talking about why people are this way, 32 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,900 why people are hateful and Why you don't need to let it affect 33 00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:33,600 you. So let's get right into it. 34 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:42,900 Quick update on my week, as peruse this past week, I went to 35 00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:47,000 a Instagram event meta event technically and that was really 36 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,400 cool submit a bunch of people. And it just like learned a lot 37 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,800 about why Instagram does things, the way they do it and it's just 38 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,100 really cool to see some of the behind-the-scenes things that 39 00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:59,200 actually goes on at Instagram. That was a fun little event that 40 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,800 I went to this Last week spent a lot of time with friends over 41 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,800 the past week as well. Just like again, I feel like 42 00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:08,199 it's so weird because I go through Seasons where it's like 43 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,500 I feel like almost have no friends and I'm not doing 44 00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:13,600 anything and then suddenly it's like like I'm meeting all these 45 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,400 new people and I'm doing all this shit and then it'll slow 46 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,800 down again it's just been a really busy kind of like few 47 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,400 weeks and I was also sick towards the back end of this 48 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,100 past few days. Like the fact that I'm wearing 49 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,300 makeup right now, shocking, because it's probably been like 50 00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,800 four days since I've worn makeup at all. 51 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,600 And I was just like rolling around my house like coughing 52 00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:37,400 taking cough syrup putting Cedar Wood oil on my chest to stop me 53 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:40,800 from coughing so cursed, I kind of thought, maybe I had covid 54 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,500 but I wasn't leaving the house anyways because I was feeling so 55 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:45,100 shit, so I was like, whatever. It's fine. 56 00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:48,400 I won't bother testing and whatever but it's just been 57 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,900 feeling a bit off. But today, I'm actually feeling 58 00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:52,800 a lot better. This is the first day that I let 59 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,900 myself like fully just like sleeping. 60 00:02:54,900 --> 00:02:58,400 I think I slept too like 11, which is just so funny for me 61 00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,600 because I used to get up at 5 a.m. 62 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,300 Time. But it's nice. 63 00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:02,400 It's nice. Sometimes, when you're sick, 64 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,800 too, just like sleep is like the number one thing for me, that 65 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,400 gets me through it. And so I'm feeling better today, 66 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,700 but if I sound a bit raspy, or if you notice any cut, some 67 00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:15,700 probably stopping to cough, but yeah, that's, that's me right 68 00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:18,000 now. I'm feeling a lot better and I'm 69 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,800 happy to be doing today's episode because I've been 70 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:24,700 wanting to do this for a while. I have had this issue come up 71 00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:28,000 multiple times, obviously in my life as everyone does and I 72 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,800 couldn't stop thinking about this one example. 73 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:32,500 People of this manager that I used to work with when I worked 74 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:37,700 in a restaurant and he was though, our state was the worst? 75 00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:40,200 Like I remember if I would go in, let's see him. 76 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,300 I'd be like uh like and it's so funny because he actually 77 00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:47,300 stopped working there moved to another location and it was like 78 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:50,800 six months after he moved to another location that he came 79 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,800 back to help us out during like covid when a bunch of us were 80 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,300 sick and we needed extra staff so they actually flew him back 81 00:03:57,300 --> 00:04:00,600 because he had to fly to Melbourne to go to The location, 82 00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:04,000 he flew back to Sydney, and he was there, one day. 83 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,000 I just showed up to work and he was there and I was so shook. 84 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,500 And it's funny because me and him like we knew we didn't like 85 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,300 each other and it was kind of got to glue. 86 00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:13,400 It kind of became a bit of a joke and we just like didn't 87 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,000 entertain anything and I'll talk about that later about how I got 88 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,000 to that point because at one point I was terrified of him but 89 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,899 he walked in the doors and I saw his face and I was like, I look 90 00:04:21,899 --> 00:04:24,300 at him, I said, what the hell are you doing here? 91 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,300 And he was like, your worst nightmare, and like made a joke 92 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,700 of it, which is so so funny to me, too. 93 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:31,800 Think that we were like able jug with the fact that we just 94 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,600 didn't like each other anyways, weird. 95 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,500 But yeah, I didn't start that way at the start. 96 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:41,000 I was terrified of him and I just thought he was a dick and I 97 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,900 didn't know how to handle the comments he would make. 98 00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:47,200 Like, I just didn't know how to deal with a person like that. 99 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:51,400 And I think over time I've really learned how to manage 100 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:56,600 people, who just you do not mess with who, maybe are, maybe like, 101 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,200 like, I want to say like homophobic or sexist or Make 102 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,100 these comments that you're like, why the fuck would you say that 103 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:04,400 like people that you just aren't there, a bit unhinged there? 104 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,800 But toxic, I used to be very scared of people like that 105 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,800 because I'm like, I just can't understand it. 106 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,400 Why would someone be that way? And he used to get me so worked 107 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:15,600 up and I would come home from work or being with a friend or 108 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,700 whatever and I would just either to my roommate or my partner 109 00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:21,300 Sam. I would literally just like this 110 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:24,500 person sucks and I go on about it and I wouldn't let it take up 111 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:28,500 so much of my time so much of my energy and it was so draining 112 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,400 for me and it felt Felt like there was always someone in my 113 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,500 life that was like this and I was constantly complaining about 114 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:39,100 people who didn't have similar boundaries or ways of thinking 115 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,000 as me. And now, I'm at a place where 116 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,400 I'm like, it's so easy to be just unbothered by people like 117 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:48,000 that and almost have empathy for why they are the way they are. 118 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,500 And just not let it affect me. And so, that's what I want to 119 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:52,900 share with you guys. Today, we're going to get right 120 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:56,600 into it. So, number one, you determine 121 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,700 how other people treat you. You actually set the bar. 122 00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:02,000 How other people treat you and back? 123 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:06,800 When I didn't believe this, it was such a heavy thing for me to 124 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,600 have to deal with people who didn't respect me. 125 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:14,600 Or people that put me down, I thought that I just had to deal 126 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,800 with them. However, they were and up there, 127 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,200 just fucked, you know, they're fucked. 128 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,200 That's just how they are. They're crazy. 129 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,000 I would just think these things like it was so finite and 130 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,500 there's nothing I could do about it, but I got to point where I 131 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:29,700 realized that I actually had control in the way. 132 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,200 That I reacted to how people made comments. 133 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,600 So, for example, I'll just use the example. 134 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,500 I've been using so far with the man at my workplace. 135 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:41,400 He would say, things like, oh, did you get this done? 136 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,100 Because he's one of my managers, which made it really shit. 137 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,800 Did you get this done? Did you get this done and be 138 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,100 like? Yes, I didn't even like, yeah. 139 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:50,200 But like did you actually do it or do you just kind of like, not 140 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,200 really do it properly. You know, stuff like that 141 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,600 comments were it's like just undermining that kind of thing. 142 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:59,600 And I used to be like haha oh my God, like stop. 143 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,400 I Did it? Like, I would kind of laughs. 144 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,800 I didn't know how to respond. I would giggle, I'd feel 145 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:08,000 uncomfortable and once I started responding with things like 146 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,400 actually don't appreciate those kind of comments because, you 147 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,700 know, that I've been working here for x amount of time and 148 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,800 you know, that I know how to do my job. 149 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,900 Like I would say I got to the point where I started saying 150 00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:20,000 things like that and it was a shock to him. 151 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,500 I remember the first time I ever said something back and I want 152 00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,600 to say clapped back, but it wasn't like that, it was 153 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,700 genuine. It was like Hey I actually don't 154 00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:29,700 respond to that kind of criticism. 155 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:34,100 Mm or that comment to me is actually not very productive or 156 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,000 one of my favorite ones to do was like it. 157 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,200 This is how you make someone feel really stupid especially 158 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,400 for like a narcissist and they say a shit comment like that. 159 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,200 If you say back to them like oh sorry. 160 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,400 What was that? What did you say? 161 00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:50,200 It's so funny because you're so light and so like, oh I'm sorry, 162 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,600 could you repeat what you just said and then they know that 163 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,400 they've said something shitty and the response is always like 164 00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:59,700 oh nothing I was just never mind, it's fine. 165 00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:02,200 Just get it done. Like the way they get so 166 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,600 uncomfortable tips and tricks for you. 167 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,200 Okay, that's something that you really need to be aware of is 168 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,100 that you actually get to determine how people treat you. 169 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,100 And it is not something that they can just do. 170 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:17,000 They can just say whatever you actually set the bar and the 171 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,900 more confident you get at responding to even little 172 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:23,800 comments with something genuine and helpful in the conversation. 173 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,300 The more they see your emotional maturity in the way that you're 174 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,600 not going to allow that kind of mess. 175 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,799 Age or conversation or thing being said to you, the quicker, 176 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:36,100 they're going to start to retract and actually be 177 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,500 uncomfortable to make those kinds of comments. 178 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,299 Number two, you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea, you're 179 00:08:41,299 --> 00:08:44,400 just not going to be okay. You are amazing. 180 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:48,000 You have amazing qualities. Maybe you're funny, maybe you're 181 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,800 smart, maybe you're interesting. Maybe you're really great 182 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,600 listener. May be really good friends. 183 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,800 You have amazing qualities, but that does not mean that 184 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,600 everybody is going to like you. And if you try to get everybody 185 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:04,300 to You, you are going to feel so exhausted at the end of every 186 00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:07,400 single day, and this is definitely something, especially 187 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,900 when I was in high school, that I feel like I really struggled 188 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:12,800 with, I would really like if I was in a conversation with 189 00:09:12,808 --> 00:09:15,700 someone and they were saying, oh, I believe this, and I think 190 00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:17,900 that's, and I think that I would almost mirror them. 191 00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:20,400 I felt like, I constantly mirrored people everywhere. 192 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,300 I went, I was just like, yeah, I can totally see that. 193 00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:28,500 That's so real, that's so true. Like, I would just try my best 194 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:33,500 to make Make sure that everyone saw me in a positive light and 195 00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:36,900 for a while I probably worked in, a lot of people did like me 196 00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:40,800 and I feel like I did give off a really like easygoing Vibe, you 197 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,300 know, I was friends with everybody and you could talk to 198 00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:46,900 me about anything and but I wasn't actually at the end of 199 00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:51,100 the day, a good friend to people, because I wouldn't call 200 00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:54,100 them out on things that they could probably adjust and work 201 00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,600 on. I wouldn't be honest about my 202 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,700 beliefs, my thoughts, my values, and I wasn't being a good. 203 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,700 Friend to myself because then I would be basically leaving 204 00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:07,700 myself and almost having this like out-of-body experience 205 00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:10,500 where I was just like, separating myself from who I 206 00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:14,100 actually was for the sake of being liked in, at the end of 207 00:10:14,108 --> 00:10:15,700 the day. That is so taxing. 208 00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:19,700 So tiring and you really start to lose yourself in it, it is. 209 00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,300 Okay. If there are people that don't 210 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:25,700 like you, it's perfectly fine, and it just means that the 211 00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:28,800 people in your life that you do, get on with your going to get on 212 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,300 with them so much. Better. 213 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,700 Because they're going to feel a real connection with you, like 214 00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:36,300 an authentic connection with you, and you're going to have a 215 00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:38,900 real authentic conversations. People are going to leave 216 00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:41,500 conversations with you sometimes being like, oh, that actually 217 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:44,900 really challenged me or actually learned from that person. 218 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:48,700 And there's actually so much more sustenance to you as a 219 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:53,000 person when you are firm in your values and who you are and you 220 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:57,300 know who you are, and you're willing to budge and change that 221 00:10:57,300 --> 00:11:01,200 so quickly in a conversation. Just to come off a certain way 222 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,600 or to be liked for me even posting on social media. 223 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:08,400 Like, I know full, well, that there are plenty of people that 224 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:12,200 don't like what I do. And it's funny because I didn't 225 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:16,300 really get this until I got a bit of a bigger following like 226 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:17,600 not even just a bigger following. 227 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,000 But like, if I have say a video that does really well, it's 228 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,700 it'll go not just to the people that follow me and then people 229 00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:27,600 that are similar to those people, it goes to like a lot of 230 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,700 people which means that it's like, A bunch of dudes and I'm 231 00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,500 telling you, it's like always dudes, a bunch of random dudes, 232 00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:37,800 who are like commenting things, like who asked, I don't care 233 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,000 what even is this. She's so annoying. 234 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,900 My favorite thing is when people comment, she's bubble bubble 235 00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:46,100 blah. As if it's not on my personal 236 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,500 account. Like I don't understand. 237 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,200 It is so weird. It's so embarrassing. 238 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,800 I like how do you not know that she is me? 239 00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:56,500 And you're commenting to me? I'll literally apply and be 240 00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:58,000 like, oh my God. That's so true. 241 00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,500 She's the worst. No, I'm just kidding. 242 00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,800 A Don't do that. And that's another Point later 243 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:05,900 today is to not acknowledge it and not give them the time of 244 00:12:05,908 --> 00:12:10,100 day, but it's crazy people say, people are fucking stupid. 245 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:12,500 It shocks me, the things that people will say. 246 00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:17,000 And it's something that I've had to realize at first it did make 247 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,200 me feel like, maybe I am annoying. 248 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,100 Oh my God, maybe I am too much. Oh my God. 249 00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:23,100 Why did I post this? Maybe I should delete it and I'm 250 00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:26,500 like fuck that. Because at the end what I'm then 251 00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:29,500 doing in that situation is pulling myself back and I'm 252 00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:33,700 Changing myself like I did in my real life you know, in my life 253 00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:38,300 day-to-day life and I school, I'm changing myself in the 254 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:42,600 moment to try to appease everybody and then you water 255 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,000 yourself down and then you're not talking about anything, you 256 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,000 know, then I'm not posting about anything on social media. 257 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:52,200 Then I'm like stuck and I'm not actually allowing myself to just 258 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,200 be myself and that's the worst thing that could happen. 259 00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:58,500 Number three. No, one deserves space in your 260 00:12:58,500 --> 00:12:59,600 life. No one deserves. 261 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,600 Nerves that, you know, when you have friends that you've had for 262 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,100 a long time and you think, oh well, but we've been friends 263 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:08,600 forever or oh, but you know, there's someone in my family, 264 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,300 all, you know, Family, First Family. 265 00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:13,800 First, you know, of course, I have to listen to their advice 266 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,500 or I have to do what they want or I have to, you know, do the 267 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,700 degree that they want or be with the kind of friends that they 268 00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,400 want me to be around, or only explore the things that they're 269 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,700 comfortable exploring because that's how my family does things 270 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,000 as we grow up. We have to grow out of this and 271 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,200 I talk about this all the time. You You know, it's really 272 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:34,800 important that we are only actually allowing in what we 273 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:39,100 want to allow in and we're not setting walls necessarily where 274 00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:41,600 we don't let anyone in, but we're setting boundaries with 275 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,500 the people that don't allow us to express ourselves and don't 276 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:49,300 allow us to explore the things that we want to explore. 277 00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:55,200 It's so so easy for you to back things up with oh, well, 278 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,700 everybody knows dada dada da or oh. 279 00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:00,400 But of course, I'm going to listen to them because Is there 280 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,800 my mom or they're my aunt or they know what's best? 281 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,700 Because they've told me my whole life, they know what's best at 282 00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:10,700 this point, if you're here right now and you're listening to this 283 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,600 and you're on a journey of like self growth and what not like 284 00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:17,500 you are trying to figure out what's best. 285 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,400 You're actually becoming that leading person in your life and 286 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,600 you're steering the wheel. And you need to keep your hands 287 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:27,300 firm on the wheel and don't let people reach over and spin that 288 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,600 shit around, no way, no fucking way. 289 00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:32,700 Way, you are firm, you've got that tight grip but it's not 290 00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,800 tight as in you're squeezing your holding on to everything. 291 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,600 It's still gentle it's still confident. 292 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,400 It's comfortable and you are comfortable driver in your own 293 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,100 life and that's how it should feel. 294 00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:45,300 I read a book actually this week, and it took me four days 295 00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:48,900 to read, which I never read books this quick, but it was so, 296 00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:51,700 so good. It's called, I'm glad my mom 297 00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:54,700 died by Jennette McCurdy. Might have heard of it, pretty 298 00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:57,400 popular. And if you haven't, if you 299 00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,500 didn't watch iCarly when you're younger, it was I'm on iCarly, 300 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,600 and she was just, it's so good. She really talks about her 301 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,500 relationship with her mom, throughout her whole life and 302 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,500 it's very deep. There's a lot that goes into it. 303 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,300 She actually experience that quite a bit of abuse with her 304 00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:14,800 mom, but she just talks a lot about how she let her mum make. 305 00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:16,900 So many decisions for her, because she always felt like, 306 00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:18,700 that's what she was supposed to do. 307 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,100 And she had someone her whole life. 308 00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:24,100 Her mom telling her, this is how you're meant to do things and 309 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:27,900 she relied on that for so long and it wasn't until she allowed 310 00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:30,800 herself to start. Being her own life and making 311 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,200 her own choices that she finally felt free of this. 312 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,100 Feeling of, I just have to do what's meant for me and feeling 313 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,500 closed in boxed in. And now she's just expressing 314 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,600 herself and she's written this amazing book. 315 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,300 And she's done this crazy book tour in like she just seems to 316 00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,700 be doing so well and she obviously talks about it in the 317 00:15:47,708 --> 00:15:51,500 book as well, how it freed her of so many things even like an 318 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:55,100 eating disorder after getting obviously the correct help, but 319 00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:59,600 also choosing to step into driving her own life and being 320 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,400 Person who's in the driver's seat. 321 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,900 It's so beautiful and so important. 322 00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:09,500 And I just encourage you to not believe that anyone should get 323 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:13,600 to determine anything for you. Because maybe they raised you or 324 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,000 they sacrificed a lot for you, at the end of the day, you still 325 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,600 need to make those choices because it's going to take you a 326 00:16:19,608 --> 00:16:22,900 lot longer to get back to where you want to be. 327 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:26,600 If you spend so much time going far, far, far far far away from 328 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:31,800 that number for the hate that. He spews on to you, is not a 329 00:16:31,808 --> 00:16:34,700 reflection of you. It's a reflection of them. 330 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,800 It's always a reflection of them, the insecurities. 331 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:42,300 They have the fears. They have the feelings of, I'm 332 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,700 not as good as this person, or I wish. 333 00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:47,900 I had that kind of confidence, or I wish I did more with my 334 00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,900 life. It's so much easier for these 335 00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:55,400 kinds of toxic people to pull somebody else down to their 336 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,500 level, rather than trying to make themselves better. 337 00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:01,900 It's so much easier. And this can of course be like 338 00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:04,000 hate comments and stupid, things like that online. 339 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,700 But also people in your life friends, in your life, where 340 00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:11,000 you're in a friend group and you start to kind of level up in a 341 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,099 way, you start to do the things that you want to do. 342 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:16,700 That's out of your comfort zone. Takes a lot out of you already 343 00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:20,200 to do these things. And the people around, you may 344 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:24,300 be shocked or surprised or scared that you're actually 345 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,700 surpassing them or you're moving away from them. 346 00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:30,000 That's scary for people. It's so much easier for Them to 347 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:34,200 pull you back and say, let's, let's live this lifestyle. 348 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,300 We've always lived. Yeah, let's let's take it down. 349 00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:39,300 You're here, I need you down here. 350 00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:43,900 Okay, people it's so much easier for them to not have to work on 351 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:46,300 themselves and to not be inspired by you. 352 00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:49,500 But to drag you back and if you sense those people, those people 353 00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:53,900 in your life, it's important that you don't let their small 354 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,000 mindset, stop you from opening up and doing the things that you 355 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,300 actually want to do. Because again, you look, And you 356 00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:03,900 regret it, you look back and you think why the fuck did I let my 357 00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:07,700 situation be determined by this person situation? 358 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,700 You know, why did I stop myself from going and traveling? 359 00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:13,200 Because that person pulled out last minute. 360 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,300 Why did I stop myself from going to school or doing that degree? 361 00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:20,100 I actually wanted to do because someone told me that I wasn't 362 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,600 ever going to get a job in it or I wasn't good enough. 363 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,700 Why did I let myself do that? And if you have those feelings 364 00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:27,900 of regret and you can think about times in your life and you 365 00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:30,400 did that. This is where we Draw the line, 366 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:33,100 you know, this is where we choose from now on. 367 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,400 I'm not going to let those people who surround me. 368 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,900 Stop me from actually picking myself up and leaving, or 369 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,300 picking myself up and doing something different, because you 370 00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:43,400 deserve to do what you want to do. 371 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,300 Now, if you want to have a good relationship with this person 372 00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,900 that you probably have in your mind or maybe multiple people 373 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:51,600 that you've had in your mind this whole time here. 374 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,000 If you want to have a good relationship with this person, 375 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,600 and you actually want to move forward in your relationship 376 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,500 with them in a healthy and productive way. 377 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,200 To give you a quick little breakdown of how you can go 378 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,300 about having this communication with them. 379 00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:08,000 So that it can actually be productive number one and way to 380 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:12,400 sit down with this person and up space where you are not going to 381 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:17,100 be interrupted a space, we can have a conversation on like an 382 00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:19,300 equal playing field like even Turf. 383 00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:22,500 What's the word like where it's not your space and it's not 384 00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,500 their space. So for example, you're not going 385 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:28,400 to go pick up this person and you're in your car or you're not 386 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,300 going to go to one of your houses, you're going to go 387 00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:33,400 somewhere that is neutral, so that you both feel like you have 388 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:37,000 this space to fully be honest, you have an equal amount of 389 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,700 space. That's really, really important. 390 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:43,700 You sit down with this person. Number one, you say, I've seen 391 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,000 this kind of behavior from you. You're not starting out 392 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,900 attacking, you're not starting out and saying, well, you've 393 00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:52,800 been a shit friend or you're an asshole? 394 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,500 You know what I mean? You're sitting down and you're 395 00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:57,900 starting out with. Hey, I've noticed this Behavior. 396 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:01,300 This thing has to be We'll just has to be something that they 397 00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:04,400 said, maybe word for word or something that they did, you 398 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,900 then say, it makes me feel dot dot dot. 399 00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:12,600 Instead of saying you've made me feel like you don't give a fuck 400 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,100 about me, right? You say you did this, it made me 401 00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:20,400 feel so that this person can't come back and say, well, no, no, 402 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,900 I'm not this, I didn't make you feel this. 403 00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:25,700 I didn't make you do that. So you can say, no. 404 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,900 Let me just explain to you, these are two separate things. 405 00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:31,400 This is something that you did. It's my job to determine how I 406 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,400 feel. So this is how it made me feel 407 00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:38,600 and then from there go with a question, maybe that question 408 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,400 is, what did you mean by those words that you said or why did 409 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,100 you do the thing that you did? Or can you explain to me if 410 00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:49,500 there were any other factors that went into you choosing to 411 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:53,600 do the thing that you did actually giving them a chance to 412 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,500 kind of like defend themselves or to give some reasoning? 413 00:20:56,700 --> 00:20:59,400 I think what you want to do is go in this conversation. 414 00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:01,600 Not ready to fight. Don't go. 415 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,900 If you are in a space right now where you are ready to lie it 416 00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:09,800 down on them have a second and make sure that you are calm your 417 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,600 collected and you're able to have this conversation in a way 418 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,800 where you want it to be productive. 419 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,500 You don't just want to say your points, you don't just want to 420 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:21,200 say why you're angry. You want it to be productive, 421 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,000 which is hard to do. But it is the only way that 422 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,400 you're actually going to come to a conclusion on this. 423 00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:30,000 Because if you do what I'm saying and you say, So I saw 424 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,200 this behavior and made me feel this way. 425 00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:36,300 Is there something going on? Or why did you do that thing? 426 00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:38,300 And they say, well, I did this thing because blah, blah, blah, 427 00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:39,100 blah blah. And you go. 428 00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:42,700 Well, that's not a fucking excuse, then that's not gonna go 429 00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:44,600 over very well. You know, you want to be in a 430 00:21:44,608 --> 00:21:48,900 place where you're ready to have a productive conversation from 431 00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:51,200 there. Maybe they'll break down. 432 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,800 And say, I've been going through this, this is this, this and you 433 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,200 can actually have a conversation about it. 434 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,200 Maybe from there those they'll say, well, because I said that 435 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,000 because that's what I believe, that's I think and then maybe 436 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:05,200 common collectedly, you can say well I actually think that that 437 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,700 comment is hurtful because Bubba Bubba. 438 00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:11,800 Bubba or actually think that comment is hateful or homophobic 439 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,500 or sexist or misogynistic blah blah blah blah. 440 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:18,400 I actually think that comment is unnecessary because of bubble 441 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,800 bubble blah and you can speak your mind without trying to 442 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,300 create a fight out of it. It's a way for you to move 443 00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:28,400 forward and have maybe even just a sense of healing in that 444 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,100 conversation. You can always agree to disagree 445 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:34,000 but it's doing that in a respectful way where you 446 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:38,800 genuinely agree to disagree, not just being like Oh well fuck it. 447 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,300 All right whatever we're never gonna agree on this. 448 00:22:41,300 --> 00:22:44,900 You know, number 6 is to set boundaries with these people. 449 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:48,600 Maybe you can't cut this person out of your life fully and maybe 450 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,100 you don't want to and that's totally fine. 451 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,700 But boundaries are really, really important. 452 00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:56,500 And this can be a boundary of how much time you spend with 453 00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,200 that person. It can be a boundary of where 454 00:22:59,300 --> 00:23:02,000 you In time with that person as we talked about earlier, very 455 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:06,000 important, it could be what topics you talk about with this 456 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,800 person. I think I've told this story 457 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,400 before on the podcast but when I went to go, visit my family in 458 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,700 Canada, my mom sent out a text to all my family members. 459 00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:16,900 I have a lot of extended family and most of them are very 460 00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:20,400 Christian, very like conservative. 461 00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:24,700 And my mom basically said to all of them, we are not talking 462 00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:27,800 about religion at all. On this trip, we're not talking 463 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:31,800 about politics and and please do not try to provoke Alyssa. 464 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:36,200 In any way, we do not want to have any conversations about our 465 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,000 beliefs or anything like that, it's not necessary. 466 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,600 We just want to enjoy each other's company and that was a 467 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:46,000 boundary that my mom actually set for my family members. 468 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,300 And of course she I knew that she was doing that and I was 469 00:23:48,300 --> 00:23:52,200 totally okay with her doing that but she helped me set that 470 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,300 boundary and it actually worked wonders. 471 00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:58,400 It worked wonders. I was able to talk to, you know, 472 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:02,100 my pretty home. McCants about her nice new job 473 00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:05,000 and I was able to be around family members and have jokes 474 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,200 about things, even though I knew that they would probably be 475 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:12,200 mortified if they knew about some of my beliefs and some 476 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,500 things that I would think that they, you know, they are 477 00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:18,200 horrible, some things, some homophobic things and beliefs 478 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,400 that I'm like, oh my God, that's crazy. 479 00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:23,500 It just didn't come up in conversation and it was lovely. 480 00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:26,300 Could I have gone back to Canada and been like I don't want to 481 00:24:26,300 --> 00:24:28,000 see this person, this person, this person. 482 00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:29,400 Absolutely, I could have done that. 483 00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:32,600 That I didn't choose to do that but I could have done that if I 484 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,900 wanted to but you get to determine the boundaries that 485 00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:38,200 you set and that's probably one of my number one tips to dealing 486 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:41,900 with toxic people and people that just don't seem to be 487 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:45,500 supporting you in any way or giving you a lot of love if you 488 00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:49,600 want to still have them in your life but you don't want to have 489 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,900 to get into those fights constantly with these people. 490 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,400 Just set those boundaries and people that want to have a 491 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:59,200 relationship with, you will be respectful of your boundaries. 492 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:02,800 It might take reminders, it might take multiple 493 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:08,000 conversations but they should be trying and if they aren't that's 494 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,200 from there where you then have to determine okay. 495 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,800 Maybe more boundaries, may be spending even less time with 496 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:17,200 this person or maybe really cutting this person out overall, 497 00:25:17,300 --> 00:25:20,700 but I would always offer up the option of setting boundaries 498 00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:24,700 minimal boundaries to begin with at first, see how that person 499 00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:27,500 goes. And if they are respectful of 500 00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:30,500 it, then maybe you actually can have A good relationship with 501 00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:33,700 that person. Number 7 is to encourage this 502 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:37,500 person to get help. This is not always applicable. 503 00:25:37,500 --> 00:25:39,700 Obviously, don't say this to your boss. 504 00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:42,700 Probably not going to go over very well, but this is more so 505 00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:46,300 like, say you have a friend and they are just toxic in your 506 00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:48,300 life. They just, they're not a good 507 00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:50,700 friend. You have a lot of ongoing issues 508 00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:52,100 with them. Maybe they've done really 509 00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:56,500 hurtful things and you are pretty confident that you don't 510 00:25:56,500 --> 00:25:58,000 want to have a relationship with them. 511 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,100 Or if you do have a relationship, Ship with them, 512 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,900 they are going to have to work on certain things. 513 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:07,000 It is always worth recommending that they go and talk to a 514 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,500 certain therapist or psychologist or counselor about 515 00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:13,600 the thing. And it can be an ultimatum that 516 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,000 you give them. Like, if we're going to have a 517 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,600 healthy relationship, I actually need you to go work on these 518 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,700 things. They might not be willing to do 519 00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:23,200 that, but if they are and if they actually recognize that 520 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,800 they have things about them that are toxic or things, they need 521 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,300 to work on, maybe internal things that are causing them. 522 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,300 To take it out on you and you've had conversations about those 523 00:26:32,300 --> 00:26:35,600 things, then it's worth you encouraging them to go do that. 524 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:39,000 Because I have personally had two different scenarios in my 525 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,300 life, where I have been friends with someone or had someone in 526 00:26:42,308 --> 00:26:46,900 my life and had to basically say, I think you need to work on 527 00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:49,300 these things because at this point, I cannot have a 528 00:26:49,308 --> 00:26:52,800 relationship with you in the way that you were acting gone to 529 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,700 therapy. Worked on themselves and have 530 00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:59,000 amazing relationships with both of those people now and that's 531 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,600 probably Rare, that that would happen that often, but it is a 532 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,200 very real thing. And if you have close enough 533 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:08,500 relationships with people, to be able to say things like that, or 534 00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:11,500 maybe you don't, but you're willing to kind of have that 535 00:27:11,500 --> 00:27:14,100 moment in a closed conversation with that person. 536 00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:18,000 I would always try. I would always go for it if you 537 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,900 think that that's something that could actually benefit them. 538 00:27:19,900 --> 00:27:21,800 I mean, obviously you could benefit everybody, but if you 539 00:27:21,808 --> 00:27:23,900 really do think that it could benefit them, that I would 540 00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:27,000 encourage you to encourage them. And last but not least, number 541 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,400 eight, is to not stoop to their level. 542 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,300 Level, don't entertain it. If someone just wants to be an 543 00:27:33,300 --> 00:27:36,300 asshole, don't be an asshole back because you're not an 544 00:27:36,300 --> 00:27:39,000 asshole. Don't, it's not worth your time, 545 00:27:39,100 --> 00:27:43,500 it's not worth your energy. And it says a lot about you, if 546 00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:48,500 you can not respond to that, if you can just be like, okay, like 547 00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:51,600 clearly you're not doing well or clearly you're not feeling your 548 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,200 best or, you know, goodbye, fuck off. 549 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,000 And you get that person out of your life or out of that 550 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,000 situation, you don't respond to it. 551 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,200 Maybe you. Literally don't say anything in 552 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:05,500 response to it, that's great. Like the way that you can move 553 00:28:05,500 --> 00:28:09,100 on and show that it actually doesn't affect you hurt. 554 00:28:09,100 --> 00:28:13,300 You push your buttons, the emotional maturity that it shows 555 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,800 that is formidable, that is something that you want to be 556 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:21,500 proud of yourself for doing and it's really easy to want to, you 557 00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:23,500 know, hit them where it hurts go back. 558 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:26,100 You know, say something like that's really going to hurt them 559 00:28:26,100 --> 00:28:30,100 and I'm good at this and I know this I'm good at Knowing what 560 00:28:30,100 --> 00:28:35,000 could affect somebody, I'm good at knowing how to let clap back. 561 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,200 Like I can be quick, you know, and I've actually learned over 562 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:43,000 time that doing that although entertaining sometimes is not 563 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:47,200 healthy for me and it usually prolongs situations and just 564 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:53,400 causes me more internal distress overall in comparison to if I 565 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:57,200 just didn't entertain that type of person, especially narcissist 566 00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:59,300 people who are, you know, properly toxic. 567 00:29:00,300 --> 00:29:03,700 They love the drama, they love the back and forth, that's what 568 00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:06,200 they thrive on. You know, you're giving them the 569 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,500 opportunity to do that by clapping back. 570 00:29:08,500 --> 00:29:11,700 So I would encourage you to not clap back. 571 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:16,700 Actually try to refuse to engage with that kind of behavior. 572 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:20,800 And that person, like I said earlier, we'll stop doing that 573 00:29:20,900 --> 00:29:23,900 sooner than you would think, because they become embarrassed, 574 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,300 they're surprised that you aren't bothered by what they're 575 00:29:26,300 --> 00:29:27,300 saying. They're like. 576 00:29:27,300 --> 00:29:30,400 Well, this is someone that, you know, They're not affected by my 577 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,500 words, so they'll move on to somebody else. 578 00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:35,300 Sadly. But they will, and they won't 579 00:29:35,300 --> 00:29:37,800 take it out on you anymore. And that's kind of what happened 580 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,700 with me and that manager that I was talking about earlier every 581 00:29:40,700 --> 00:29:43,000 so often, he would say things. Now, we just look at him and be 582 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,800 like, okay, if you are watching right now, you can see my face. 583 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,100 If you aren't, I'm giving stink face because I would literally 584 00:29:50,100 --> 00:29:54,000 just be like, okay, all right, and he would literally just walk 585 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,000 away. Like he didn't know how to 586 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,400 respond. He actually didn't know how to 587 00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:59,800 deal with the fact that I did not give a fuck and very 588 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:01,500 quickly. He became awkward around me. 589 00:30:01,500 --> 00:30:03,700 He didn't know what to say. And then eventually it came to 590 00:30:03,700 --> 00:30:06,100 the point where we just kind of like, would laugh at off because 591 00:30:06,100 --> 00:30:08,700 we just knew that we didn't mesh, but we would just get 592 00:30:08,700 --> 00:30:11,800 through it, and it was so funny. Like I almost felt like I kind 593 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:15,200 of became the person who That relationship. 594 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:18,000 I got almost felt like I became the person who is wearing the 595 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,400 pants a little bit, which is so fucking funny. 596 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:22,600 Yeah, you'd be shocked, it works. 597 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,200 So don't entertain it. If you're getting any kind of 598 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:29,300 like hate online like anything like that, just delete the 599 00:30:29,300 --> 00:30:32,300 comments block, the people. You don't need to entertain it. 600 00:30:32,500 --> 00:30:36,600 You know, it really is not worth your time and setting those kind 601 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,200 of boundaries for yourself, like blocking people or even blocking 602 00:30:40,700 --> 00:30:43,700 words that people can't comment. Those are the things that you do 603 00:30:43,700 --> 00:30:47,400 to Checked your energy, at the end of the day, always protect 604 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:49,200 your energy. Don't let those kind of people 605 00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:52,200 fuck with you and surround yourself with good people. 606 00:30:52,500 --> 00:30:55,500 The people that you allow in your life is so so so important. 607 00:30:55,500 --> 00:30:58,900 And I've learned this recently by allowing really great people 608 00:30:58,900 --> 00:31:02,100 into my life. It's just like not allowed space 609 00:31:02,100 --> 00:31:05,000 for shitty people. Like the more great people come 610 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:09,500 in the less, I'm wanting to be around people where I have to 611 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:14,100 question their motivations. I have to question. 612 00:31:14,300 --> 00:31:15,700 How they're going to respond to me. 613 00:31:15,700 --> 00:31:18,800 I have to question whether they're going to be angry or 614 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:20,700 they're going to be like unpredictable. 615 00:31:20,700 --> 00:31:23,800 I don't actually want to be around those people anymore but 616 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:27,200 it's happening naturally because I'm just pulling in better 617 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:32,600 quality people and it is so relieving and exciting and 618 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,900 life-giving when you're around good people because you just 619 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,800 don't have to worry. And the way that you worried 620 00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:43,400 when you are around, people that maybe you tried to be around, 621 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:45,500 you force yourself. To be around, you tried to be 622 00:31:45,500 --> 00:31:48,200 perfect to be around, you know. Maybe it was like that cooler 623 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:52,000 group in school that you just want to, you want to fit in with 624 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:53,100 them. So you want to say the right 625 00:31:53,100 --> 00:31:56,200 things or maybe the people at work that you think are kind of 626 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:59,300 like the It people you know. So you want to be there and you 627 00:31:59,300 --> 00:32:02,000 want to laugh along with them and you want to be like them but 628 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,900 at the end of the day it's so tiring for you. 629 00:32:04,100 --> 00:32:08,300 Don't let that false narrative that there are cooler people or 630 00:32:08,300 --> 00:32:11,200 better people to be around or you know that the people with 631 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:16,000 more clout or whatever or To the boss or whatever that those 632 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,800 people are better to be around because it's not going to be 633 00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,300 life-giving for you. And at the end of the day, I 634 00:32:21,300 --> 00:32:23,100 know say that all the time and it's actually so annoying. 635 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,600 But at the end of the day, the most life-giving thing for you 636 00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:30,200 is going to be that you are around people that make you feel 637 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:35,200 safe, secure loved. They laugh at your jokes, they 638 00:32:35,300 --> 00:32:38,400 support you when you're down. They are genuinely there for you 639 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,300 when you need them. Those are the kind of people 640 00:32:40,300 --> 00:32:43,500 that are going to make you feel happy and confident in life and 641 00:32:43,500 --> 00:32:46,800 you're actually She going to go further with those people. 642 00:32:46,900 --> 00:32:49,500 You're going to go further in your life in the things that you 643 00:32:49,500 --> 00:32:52,800 want to do because you're going to have the support having that 644 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:55,600 close-knit support is so much more important than being 645 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:58,300 connected with the people at the top. 646 00:32:58,300 --> 00:33:01,900 You know, the cooler people so much more important because it 647 00:33:01,900 --> 00:33:06,200 means that you're going to be encouraged to go up and move 648 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:07,500 forward. You're not going to have people 649 00:33:07,500 --> 00:33:10,200 around you who are going to be, you know, holding onto so 650 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,900 tightly going, please, please. Stay at my level stay at my 651 00:33:12,900 --> 00:33:14,100 level, you can't be better than me. 652 00:33:14,300 --> 00:33:16,100 You're gonna have people who actually want you to grow and 653 00:33:16,100 --> 00:33:18,800 flourish and Thrive and there you have it. 654 00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:20,600 Folks, today was a bit of a quickie. 655 00:33:20,700 --> 00:33:24,700 Hope you enjoyed that, toxic people fucking suck, and they're 656 00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:26,900 not with your time. They're not with your energy, be 657 00:33:26,900 --> 00:33:30,000 around the people that make you feel, lovely, amazing, happy 658 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,700 thriving. And hopefully you have some 659 00:33:32,700 --> 00:33:35,300 people in your life right now that you can think about who 660 00:33:35,300 --> 00:33:37,100 make you feel that way. And I would encourage you to 661 00:33:37,100 --> 00:33:39,200 reach out to them. Tell your friends that you 662 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:41,300 appreciate them. Tell your friends that you love 663 00:33:41,300 --> 00:33:44,100 them and tell them why you love them, like you are sucking. 664 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:48,000 Such a good person to give feedback to your friends on what 665 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:51,200 makes them shine. And like, I know that sounds so 666 00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:54,100 lame, but it's true. And I've really experienced this 667 00:33:54,100 --> 00:33:55,600 recently, with some of my friends. 668 00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,700 I feel like I have the closest group of people that I've had in 669 00:33:58,700 --> 00:34:02,800 genuinely years, and it's because we are also open with 670 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:05,900 being like, I love you guys. Like, you guys change my life, 671 00:34:05,900 --> 00:34:08,300 and you guys are so funny. You guys are so fun and you 672 00:34:08,300 --> 00:34:12,500 guys, energized me, and you guys like, you are so great because 673 00:34:12,500 --> 00:34:16,500 XYZ and it's like the Life-giving thing to be open 674 00:34:16,500 --> 00:34:19,199 like that with your friends. So send this to a friend if they 675 00:34:19,199 --> 00:34:21,699 need it. Don't send this to that toxic 676 00:34:21,699 --> 00:34:23,300 person. Although that is kind of fucking 677 00:34:23,300 --> 00:34:25,000 funny. So maybe due to that, I don't 678 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,199 know. If you want to find me, I am on 679 00:34:27,199 --> 00:34:30,000 Instagram and Tick-Tock atalissa Taylor Harper. 680 00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,600 Come DM, me come, hang out. Have a laugh for always hanging 681 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:35,900 out having a good time. Also, we have a Facebook group 682 00:34:35,900 --> 00:34:38,600 called The she said, what podcast group where I keep you 683 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:41,400 guys updated on weekly episodes and bi-weekly. 684 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:45,600 I mean, most weeks depending on if I'm sick or, you know, all 685 00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:48,400 the things. And yeah that's it guys. 686 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:49,900 Thank you so. So much for supporting the 687 00:34:49,900 --> 00:34:52,400 podcast. Thank you for sharing it on your 688 00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,199 stories and for sharing it with your friends. 689 00:34:55,199 --> 00:34:57,900 And all the amazing things you guys are always messaging me 690 00:34:58,000 --> 00:34:59,800 about what you liked about the episodes. 691 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,500 And what you want to hear in the future. 692 00:35:01,500 --> 00:35:03,400 And I love love love the feedback. 693 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:06,700 So if there's anything you want to give me feedback on please, 694 00:35:06,700 --> 00:35:11,300 feel free if you are feeling so lovely and kind today, if you 695 00:35:11,300 --> 00:35:14,100 want to give me a little rate, maybe a little review situation, 696 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,100 Come on, Apple podcast or Spotify. 697 00:35:16,100 --> 00:35:20,300 That would be amazed and I will see you guys in the next episode 698 00:35:20,500 --> 00:35:22,600 chat to you soon. Alright, bye guys.