You're listening to, she said one with your host, Alyssa
Harper. Hello stunning humans.
Welcome back to. She said, what if you have not
been here before then. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I'm so happy that you are here. This is a space for you to come,
whoever you are to become the best version of yourself.
Whether you need some help on fixing that inner dialogue you
have going on up here, maybe you're figuring out your
sexuality as I like to talk about a lot on this podcast.
Just maybe you're going through some things that you're working
through in your body and you're just like, oh, I just need
somewhere to come, hang out and connect and have a friend.
Here I am. My name is Alyssa.
I'm a Canadian but I'm currently living in Sydney, Australia.
I've been here for four years so this really is my home.
Today we are going to be talking about how to not be a people
pleaser. I grew up religious and so I
learned to kind of pull myself back For the sake of others,
often, and be very sacrificial, which can be a great thing.
But if it becomes your whole personality, you walk into a
room and you kind of just mirror everyone that you talk to and it
can be very taxing on you long term.
And if you're a people pleaser, you know exactly what I'm
talking about because you end up kind of doing things against
your will in a way like you don't want to do certain things
but you constantly have this voice in your head that's
telling you that you should or shouldn't.
And that can be a lot. So what you're going to get out
of this episode is learning how to get better at setting
boundaries with the people in your life, your workplace, all
the things how to avoid burnout in your life and also tips in
general for the people Pleasers and the overachievers.
So let's get into it as per use. I'm going to give you guys a bit
of a weekly update since the last time.
We talked a lot has happened. I went to go see Harry Styles,
which was very, very exciting because I was a big One
Direction fan back in the day. Like I have a picture of me.
I post this on Instagram. If you guys have me on
Instagram, a bunch of old photos of me from the One Direction
concert that I went to way back in the day and I had suspenders
on. Thank you.
Louis Tomlinson for doing that. To me as a small child, I had
Spenders on, I had a little One Direction T-shirt on and it's
just so funny. I had there's another photo of
me to where it's like a weird photo.
That must have been taking of like my braids like I too weird
braids on my head, they look horrible probably like 12 or
something. Right.
And in the background there's like a Harry Styles poster, but
he looks so young. It's like one of those like
posters that you get from the inside of a magazine.
So funny so go look at that on my Instagram if you want to my
Instagram is Alyssa Taylor Harper.
They're always linked always linked down there in the
description. If you want to go hang out, but
that was a lot of fun. The opener was cold wet leg that
actually really really liked by it.
Poured rain. And we were on the Floor.
So we're like right towards the front, which was amazing.
Obviously not complaining on the floor, at the front.
Big open stadium and only like the sides were covered by like a
roof type of situation and we were not covered.
And so during the opener it just poured down, we were absolutely
soaked. But, you know, once the time
Harry, once once Harry started, it was fine, we kind of dried
off. And we just partied all night
long and it was such a good time.
I also saw Munna, if you guys know moon, it's mu n a, i Love
Munna. They're all so hot they're just
like this, queer, Fun Band they've been around for ages
like I useless in them in high school and they put on such a
good show and that was so, so fun Sam and I went to that my
partner and I that was so fun and then I also saw for Mardi,
Gras The Veronicas. And that was just like on Oxford
Street here in Sydney and that was really fun as well just
because they're so iconic. And so that was a really good
time other than that. So I'll just show As I've been
to this past Thursday. Yeah, I went to a Spotify event
which was very exciting because I started this podcast during
lockdown, because I had nothing to do with my time.
And I felt like I needed a space to talk to you guys on, like a
bigger scale. You know, are like a longer-term
type of situation, you know, like our long-term relationship
that we have. And it's just so cool because
it's something that I just started and did consistently and
didn't even really think about if people are watching it or
people cared about it, I just did it because I wanted to do it
and here, We are like year and a half later and I'm like going to
spotify's office and it's like Spotify, that's crazy.
And my brain. So it's really cool.
So I had a really nice time at met some other creators met Alan
cell from to broke chicks and we had a fun time and they actually
did a little chat about podcast stuff up there and so I go up on
a stage and we all watched it. We're like yeah, we love you.
And so that was so, so much fun. So we talked about doing a
podcast swap, we might end up doing a little You might see
them here. Soon, I might be over there
soon. We will see, just need a tee
that up. But yeah, I had a really, really
great week and it's been really fun, being like self-employed
and just working at home from my desk.
That you can't see but I can see and it's really fun.
And if you guys aren't looking at me right now just so you
know, if you're listening on a podcast so you can actually
watch this podcast now on Spotify.
And these episodes are also going up on YouTube, just for
those of you who don't have access to Spotify, but that's
basically it, that's my update. It's been a really nice time.
I'm personally in my body feeling a little bit tired
because it's been so hectic. And you guys know I love to talk
about periods and all the things.
I think we're enough into this episode that I can mention my
period. I'm like in my first days of my
period right now so things are a little bit tired in my body.
It's got this weird part of my back.
That's a bit sore but that's okay.
You know, we work We make do, let's get into today's topic
because this is something that I've been wanting to make an
episode about for a while because I talked to a lot of you
guys about this about feeling like you just constantly are
doing what other people want you to do.
And this could be on a big scale from.
Like I'm literally doing a job that my parents wanted me to do
and like I hate my job or I'm doing a degree that I'm doing
because I want the title of what that degree is going to give me.
But I don't think I actually want to work in this field and
like it can be on a big scale. Like that, or it's just everyday
decisions. Like, I don't want to go to this
thing, but all my friends are saying I should come.
So I'm gonna go, but then I go home, and I'm so tired and I go
to work hungover and I, my God. Why do I do this to myself?
And you have a hard time with like, saying no, and so big part
of what we're gonna be talking about today is protecting your
yes, and practicing your no. So, I'm first just going to run
through some like quick tips just talked about the subject
and then we'll go a little bit more into like setting
boundaries with, like friends versus family, versus like a
partner. A romantic relationship and how
all those things can kind of be different.
And so let's start there with protecting your yes and
practicing your know. This is something that I have
really needed to work on overtime and I've gotten a lot
better at when I say Protect Your yes.
I mean not saying yes to everything.
You know if somebody says, oh my God, we should grab a coffee
sometime going like yeah, totally.
Like I'll let you know I've had and I have heaps on but like,
well, I'm sure we can find a time, maybe something like that.
Rather. Rather than saying, oh my God,
yeah, what are you doing, tomorrow?
You know, like feeling like you have to match their energy.
I'm a big, like advocate for doing, whatever the hell you
want to do, and not doing things that you don't want to do, and
your time is valuable. So if somebody is asking you to
spend time with you, and you just don't really think you
would connect with them or you're just not really in the
mood or you don't really want to do the thing that they're asking
to do. Like, oh my God, we should go on
a run to Heather. And you're like, what the fuck?
I don't want to go on a run. Do I look like I run then?
Don't go on run. You can always be your awesome.
How about we go for like a coffee?
How about we go for a little walk?
Or we go to the mall? I don't know.
A movie. Something that you would like,
because you don't want to get yourself caught running beside
someone who's around, are just, I'm just telling you this now.
It is not worth it. I used to agree all the time to
go on these. Like it's could you to Bondi
walk and Sydney here and I don't know if I only have maybe one
lung, I don't know what the issue is for a while.
I thought I might have asthma but I can't breathe.
I simply cannot breathe and I will be walking up a hill and
somebody's like, so tell me your life story and I'm like, okay,
so when I was 10 years old, it's horrible.
So I would recommend don't That okay, do something that you want
to do. So protect your yes and
practice, your know, this is a hard one.
Protecting your yes has a bit. You know, it's a bit easier
because you know, you have to really give your consent and say
yes to doing something. But having to go to a place of
actually saying no like if you genuinely just don't want to
hang out with that person or you just don't want to go to the
event that this person is so excited about, but you're like,
that's not really my vibe. Whatever the thing is, Maybe
it's going in to do a shift at your workplace.
That is not your shift. They just need some help.
You know, they call you up, you know, when you work for someone
and they call you up and you can see it ringing and you go,
They're gonna ask me to come in. No.
Okay. You need to get better at having
boundaries. So being able to say, you know,
I don't actually need the money right now, hmm.
Or you know, I'm really tired. I'm actually feeling kind of
burnt out. I don't really think I want to
go in for that shift. Being able to pick up the phone
and not avoid it. And I know, Being able to pick
it up and go. Hi!
I'm so sorry. You guys are short today.
That sounds really difficult. I hate when that happens.
Unfortunately, I'm not gonna be able to come in today.
Maybe you have something planned, you know, I just need a
mental health day, whatever it is challenging yourself to not
lie and say that you have something on that.
You don't. But actually just being honest
with your boundaries, it is hard to do but the more you practice
it in this way. Why I say practice the better,
you get at it and it is so like it's such a way to honor
yourself, to be able to create a boundary.
I think so often we don't realize how much all of those
little decisions add up to create how we feel about
ourselves. And if you're consistently
saying yes to people, you don't want to say yes to and not
practicing your no overtime. It, you're telling yourself that
you don't value yourself enough to protect yourself.
Every time you're telling yourself I'm a pushover or I'm a
people pleaser and that adds up very quickly and creates your
reality. And it's, it can be quite
detrimental to your mental health.
And that's why I really encourage you to work on those
two things. I know it's difficult, but you
can do it. My next point is to stop saying
the word should I have mentioned this before on the podcast and
it's something that I am so much better at now but for so long, I
really struggled with it. I used to say, like I should do
that. You know, I should go to that
thing or I said I was gonna go, you know, oh I should they
shouldn't have to go alone, they need a friend.
You know what? There is no should, okay, unless
it is like your best friends like wedding or they're having a
whole mental breakdown and, you know, you genuinely like should
be there for them because you would To be that friend to be
there for them. You would want that then,
absolutely do it. But if you're saying this every
single day, oh, you know, I should go up and go on a run
even though I'm having cramps and I'm literally in pain, you
know, or oh, I should go to work.
Even though I actually don't really need the money and I
freaking hate my workplace and I need some time to rest.
Stop saying should okay. You need to advocate for
yourself and I would encourage you to try to take a day or two.
R2 and try to not say the word should at all or shouldn't.
Of course, shouldn't is a part of that as well.
Oh, I'll, but I shouldn't say that.
Because what if I offend someone or, oh, I shouldn't, I shouldn't
dress like this. Because what if somebody thinks
that I'm XYZ, no, okay, that means that you are making
choices based off of what other people think.
And that's what people-pleasing is.
So that's another way to catch yourself to see if maybe you're
somebody who does this, if you're still, not quite sure
next point. That in this is an audio.
Oh my God. I think I heard this this week
on, I want to say Tick-Tock and it's Emma Chamberlain actually.
And she basically says in it, if it's something that makes you
feel happy and it's something that you're comfortable with and
I would add if it's not hurting anybody else it shouldn't matter
what anyone else thinks. Let's go back to that work
scenario, okay? They're calling you up and
you're saying oh I don't really want to go in if it makes you
happy to take time off. Woof.
If, if you're comfortable to take time off and you, you know
that say, financially you don't need that money.
It shouldn't matter if maybe your manager or whoever is
looking at you and going. Why are they never helping out?
You know, if you are having that internal dialogue right after
that conversation where you're going, they think I'm lazy.
They think I'm this. They think I'm that.
Then again, it's coming back to this being scared of what other
people think. And I never used to think that I
With this, I always would say to myself, I don't care what anyone
thinks I'm gonna wear, whatever I want.
I'm gonna do whatever I want but then I would be in those Quiet
Moments from picking out an outfit.
And I would go all is this too much tummy?
Or oh, do you know, should I wear this?
Because what if I go to dinner and then I'm all bloated and
then, I don't look good in this outfit and then I'm going.
Do I care if I look good after dinner?
No. Am I?
If I'm having a good time if I'm do, I care?
No. So who do I care about?
Seeing me looking like bloated after To dinner.
You know I mean sounds like a stupid example but it's those
little moments. It's those Quiet Moments that
add up over time and they genuinely can really affect you
moving forward, knowing the difference between a yes.
And a hell yes. Oh I love this one.
When you say yeah I could do that.
That's not the same as being like.
That's an amazing opportunity and I really want to do that and
if you are a yes person and it's so funny this summer me and my
friend Faith have been saying that.
It was res summer because we were just like, let's say yes to
everything. Let's try to go to as many
events as possible. You know, let's not be too
worried about spending money. Let's just go and say yes and do
the things and put ourselves out there.
Make, you know, the friendships and new connections.
Let's just say yes and I do think there are seasons for
that. If you've noticed yourself,
maybe pull back or become a bit antisocial or whatever, you've
kind of like isolated yourself for whatever reason, sometimes
there are seasons too. Put yourself out there more than
you normally would. But I would really encourage you
as much as you can to be aware of that scale of yes.
And also like hell yes. And I learned this because after
my yes, summer, I had some moments looking back going, you
know what that week where I had five events on that I could have
gone to because maybe a few months ago, I didn't feel like I
had as much to do. I felt like I didn't have as
many friends I felt like Little bit isolated.
I felt like I pulled back about. Yeah.
A few months ago up to, I would say more.
So like six months ago, I felt like I pulled back.
And so coming back into the world, I was like, okay, let's
start saying, yes, I didn't realize that.
That didn't mean yes to everything, that just meant,
yes, to the things, I really want to do.
And I ended up at a few, for sure events.
Or nights out or whatever, where I was like, why am I here?
I don't. Care about this performer.
I don't know them. I don't really want to be in a
room with a bunch of like straight white dudes, trying to
hit on me, to be honest. And it was just kind of one of
the things I was like, okay. I think I need to be a bit more
careful with not saying yada everything because by the end of
it, you're spending a bunch of money on like going out on
transporting, their your time, your energy, all of it, you need
to conserve it for the things that you want to do.
Start to identify in your I've what your hell.
Yes is our and surround yourself with people who will respect
your boundaries, this is a really, really big one.
You will definitely get if you are not someone who's say 100%
extroverted, and maybe you're like somewhere in between like
myself or maybe you are introverted.
If you come across an extrovert, who is like, come on, let's just
go, it's gonna be so much fun. Everyone's gonna be there.
They're we're going to get drinks, that's good.
If you are around people like that.
That's awesome. And it's fun to get people
around you who are like going to push you to be more kind of like
outgoing and go do the things if you're more introverted like
myself. But it's also very easy to just
feel like okay well I don't want to seem boring.
I don't want to seem standoffish if I say no to this thing and
you need to be around friends that are genuinely going.
Going to have that balance of respect, where as much as they
might be. Like, come on, let's do this
thing. It's gonna be so fun and they're
like a height person. If you say honestly, I think I
need some time to like be inside and just like, spend time with,
maybe my family or my partner, you know, my boyfriend, my
girlfriend, whatever, then Sorry guys, it just started raining
and it just spooked me. I was like, oh, there's a tree
falling on my home. Okay, it's all okay, it's all
okay, we are back and better than ever.
You want to find that person in your life, is going to have that
balance where they respect your no and they trust your ability
to figure out what you need in that moment, you know.
Like I think you want people in your life who are going to
respect that. Oh okay.
They actually need some space. Ace and actually have this
opinion of like well I don't want to be around them if they
don't want to be around me because I want them to do what
they want to do. And I've been finding those
people even more so recently and it is such a relief to have
people who get that and are mature about that.
It's just really, really valuable.
And something that I feel like you should look for in a friend.
My last little Point here is to be honest about what feeds and
what drains your energy There is no right answer to this because
you might be someone. We're going for a swim in the
ocean and going on, a walk and going on a run or whatever.
Those might be things that really like feed your energy.
Some people might feel like going out of the house, going
all the way down to the beach when it's hot, and it's sweaty
and they're sand and it's messy. And it's a very uncontrolled
environment and whatever that that's actually kind of
draining. Maybe it's fun, but it can be
draining for your energy which those has two things can align
be aware of what those things are for you, and like, test it
out. And of course, I have to mention
cycle sinking and all of my episodes because who would I be?
If I didn't cycle syncing is the practice of looking at where you
are in your menstrual cycle. Of course, if you are, someone
who has a period in menstruates and realizing what works for you
in each of those phases, I have learned that going out and being
with a bunch of friends and all of that around.
Time that I'm ovulating, which is about two weeks out from your
period around. It's very like, you know, not
exactly the same for every single person, but around there,
I love it. That is, what is life-giving for
me? I'm with these friends who are
like, making me laugh, and we're dancing.
And I'm like, what? Like, I feel like my full self
in those Seasons but if I were to go do that tonight, I would
be miserable miserable because I know hormonal.
E my hormones. So when I'm ovulating, our way
up here and then by the time I'm on my period.
You there all the way down here. And since they're down here,
that means that something like this talking to you guys where
I'm sitting in a chair in the comfort of my own home.
And I'm just hanging out. You know, that is something that
I can happily happily do on my period because I'm just able to
be relaxed and it's controlled and I can just take care of
myself. And if I do get like a little
spur of Want to spurt. I don't know if that's the word
a little like moment of cramps. I can be like, whoa, let's take
a second. You know, I have my resources, I
have the things that I need and so I would encourage you, if
you're someone who meant Straits please please, please go.
Listen to one of my episodes about cycle sinking or read in
the Flow by Alisa Vitti. If you want to really get in
depth or just do a little Google, whatever you want to do,
get into it because it is so valuable and it will really help
you. I'm telling you it will change
your life. All right now Let's talk about
having boundaries with your work because I worked in Hospitality
for seven years. And then last year I was a
Pilates instructor and now I'm self-employed and I'm doing
stuff on my own. So I'm going to talk about a
little bit about each of those things, but when I was working
for somebody, when I was working in Hospitality, especially in
high school like the younger, I was the harder it was for me to
say no and I Made it to talk about this a bit ago and I feel
like this is a really common story where you get these
full-grown adults, like, proper adults, you know, like 35 Plus
people who are not, that, that is old.
If you are 35 bibs young at heart, I love you.
You're still young. Okay.
But I'm just saying you get these people who are like, say,
35 Plus and they have the 16 year olds working for them in a
restaurant in retail, right? All these different places and
And they're calling them up and going hey can you come in and
help us out and surely on the phone is going.
Hey can you come in we really need you.
We need another person if this would mean the world to us
please I'm going to offer you an offer.
You know other incentive other than can you be here in 30
minutes you know and this 16 year old girl on the other end
of the phone it's me is going um I just you know I have some
homework to do, you know, I don't really or I had plans with
my friends or whatever. I don't think any excuse that I
have is a good enough, excuse to say no.
And so then I would often just be like, okay, I'll be there
soon. Surely love you.
Cheers, because I really wanted say my employer or whoever in
this situation to think that I was like a reliable person.
I really wanted people to think the best of me and if my
employer thinks, I'm the best at my job, and my friends think
that I'm the best friend, then my boyfriend thinks that I'm the
best girlfriend, then I'm Doing something right?
But at the end of the day, I was exhausted.
Constantly constantly exhausted in high school.
You know. I used to do I told you I was a
religious growing up, right? So on a Friday night, it was
like I would work at this restaurant.
Get there at 4:00. I was there till like maybe 11
or so, I would go home. I would have Saturday in the day
to do like my homework stuff. So in like I had a lot of math
and stuff that I just wasn't very good at but I really had to
try We hard at it. So I would like, give myself a
lot of time to do it, so Saturday morning.
Do you want me in math stuff? Maybe have a little coffee, you
know, have a little time to rest.
Hopefully, and then I would work Saturday night for 4:00 all the
way through usually would go later.
Maybe 12:00 or whatever. Then this was the most fucked
part. I would wake up on a Sunday
morning and then I would go sing at church and I would get there
at like 6 a.m. right. And then I'm there for like six
hours because it's three services all the way through.
And Then Sunday afternoon, I would probably spend time with
my family, because Sunday's, like a kind of a family day and
then I would get up on Monday morning and I would start my
week and go back to school and come home every day and have
homework to do and would have like volleyball and fucking
piano and singing lessons and all this shit.
Like I was a go-getter, you know, I was an overachiever and
as much as I feel like a lot of people looked at me and were
like, wow, she does it all. I was like, So unhappy and I had
to learn over time, that being that like type A person who is
going to throw myself into everything and do it the best
and want to be the best person at it.
It's actually not a healthy thing to have like having Drive
being motivated. That is obviously amazing, you
know, that's great. But if you're not having a good
balance in your life, you're going to burn out and I would
have these moments, right? Be like breaking down crying
these, having these huge fights with my boyfriend, like
emotionally. I was like coming from this,
like empty cup, you know, when people talk about like you
can't, you know, you can't give from an empty cup that was me
and it was just this emptiness that I felt in this like
resentment I felt towards all the things that I had to do in
my life. So I would just really encourage
you especially if you're in that time of your life where you want
to do all the things, you know you want to have fun.
You want to have friends, you want to I everything.
But you also want to be like academically doing great and
maybe like, even physically, maybe have a sport or something
that you're into, or like a hobby, where you like, you
really need to use your brain like you're doing music or
something creative, like, yes, do all the things and put
yourself out there and try stuff.
But make sure that you are doing things that make you happy.
I had a friend in high school actually and he was interrupting
and he was like a really good rower and his like mum was very
like proud of Him and she like, I knew, you know, this whole
family really well. And she would always say, yeah,
my little, I can't say his name but he was so, you know, he's
such a good rower. He's like family favorite like
whatever. You know, my boy, you know how
moms the are with their sons. Anyways she was very that.
She was that Mom, who was like, I little boy like probably in
love with him. You know, that kind of vibe.
Oh my God. And one day, he decided to quit
rowing and pursue photography. Feet and he was a really good
photographer and he loved it. And he was passionate about it
and like it was what he wanted to do.
Also sorry guys, if you can hear, the rain is actually
getting quite hectic out there. So hopefully this isn't picking
it up, but he went into the photography and I remember she
publicly was like mad at him. She publicly was like, you know,
he used to be so good at that. I don't know why he quit.
Huh, in front of like everybody. And I was always like, oh my
God, this Is a horrible but some parents are like that.
And so I was lucky enough to not have that situation but it is
very real that your parents might make you feel that way if
you are at that age or maybe even if you're older and even
being me I'm 22 and I still have moments from like should I do
this? What would my mom think about it
like that? You know, I still have that too.
And so if that's you and you are still feeling like you're making
decisions based off of what other people want, especially
your family members, whatever then.
I would encourage you to step back reevaluate.
Okay. I've gone on a tangent, we were
meant to be talking about work. Okay, so talking about work,
check in making sure that you are not making it your
responsibility to keep a restaurant run by, like adults
your responsibility to keep it like staffed, okay.
That's not your, it's not your job and especially if you're
somebody who was like in this space of wanting to do something
else. Like, if you are like studying,
you know, or you are trying to like freelance, something like
you're trying to do photography, or writing or music, or
whatever. I'm surrounded by, a lot of
creative people in Sydney. I'm very fortunate to have that
and I see so many people talking about this with my friend, the
other day, actually, who does some amazing like design work
and photography stuff, how like it's hard because you maybe work
at a restaurant four days a week or five days a week, and all of
your other free time is you To build your business.
And I did this for however, long the last three years, or
whatever. I was, their work at a
restaurant and then, on my brakes, I'm there like working
on photos and videos, and trying to like build what I wanted to
do, because this is what I wanted to do and I'm so fucking
happy, like sorry, I swear, but I'm so thankful, that is what
I'm doing now. Like, this is insane to me and
every day I wake up and I go, oh my God, like I'm so so thankful
that, I don't have to get up and Go, like, running around and run
around in a restaurant because I did that for years and years and
years and my work has paid off. But it's because of you guys
obviously but you know, I've really I'm happy that I'm here
and so I'm so thankful by the way, just thought I would throw
that in there. I had a whole moment today where
I was sat outside on my balcony and just thinking about it and I
was like this crazy. I feel like I need to like soak
up this time of my life and just like feel the Gratitude because
it's so good. But if that's you and you're
working in you know, retail or just something you don't like
Like like a job. You don't like one day if you
work towards it and you know you take the opportunities and you
go for it. I really believe that you can do
it. Like I really, really, really
believe that you can do it because I question myself to for
so long I was there, you know, like polishing Cutlery or
folding napkins, like, wiping down, town are tops and shit.
And being like, what the fuck am I doing here?
Like, why am I here? Or like?
I know that I have so much to offer.
I know that I'm, I am more. Than this like I'm smart or on
this. I'm that like I would feel that
that I'd be like I don't want to do this job anymore and it
sucked but you need to make money you know you need to do
it. And so if that's you I would
just really encourage you that like one day, I really believe
that you're going to get there and that you just need to keep
working on it. You need to stay passionate and
you need to keep going. Like, you never know.
Tomorrow could be the day that you have a breakthrough, right?
Like in a week from now, you could get a call from buddies.
From somebody saying, oh, I really like your work.
I really like this. How can you do this commission
for me or can you, you know, come speak at this thing or
whatever? You never know when the
opportunity is going to come. And so I would just really
encourage you to stay passionate on the things that you are
passionate about and you can only do that and keep doing
those things that you do on your off time.
Well, if you have boundaries with things like work, right,
you're constantly saying yes to all these people it's just going
to keep pushing back what you actually want to.
To do and maybe that's not that you want to do something for
work. Maybe it's just that you really
enjoy painting and you just want to paint at home and you want
everyone else to fuck right off then good do it you know do it
and make it a priority and tell yourself that it's valuable
enough for you to put your time into now boundaries when it
comes to freelance things which is like what I do now and the
things that you just want to do, okay.
This is something that I've had to learn more recently and it's
that working. Something 24/7 is not going to
make you better at it working at something like with intention
and with a set amount of time and doing it in that time.
Really, really well and giving your all that's what's going to
make you better at it. But if you are someone who
doesn't shut off and give yourself the Brain Breaks that
you need the physical breaks, that you need, the spiritual
breaks that you need. That energy is not going to
replenish and And your work you know you're writing whatever
creative thing that you might be doing is not going to come
through clearly and you are going to get lost when it comes
to your vision. And so I would really encourage
you all these things that you do outside of your 9 to 5 or
whatever. Do those things in a time where
you feel inspired, but also allow yourself to rest when it
comes to like freelancing and making your own schedule, you
want to be in the flow and that whole State thing.
You know, you can really get into reading about that and
learning about that because it is very, very interesting.
But sometimes it's just like listening to your body and
listening to what your brain is telling its you, you're ready
for right now. You know, yesterday I told
myself I was going to get up and put on a full face of makeup and
make videos and go, you know, jump in front of the camera and
be like, hey, guys look yesterday was not the day.
I woke up, I had cramps which I don't normally have that.
Bad, but I just did yesterday. For some reason, I had cramps.
I was laying in my bed. I was like, I don't want to do
anything and I didn't want to use my brain, my brain was like,
you know, it was just not there and so I like did some laundry.
I cleaned up a bit, you know, I organized some things.
I just wanted to do Mindless things and so I just did my
listings. And then today I woke up and I
had the energy and I was blaring, Amy Winehouse, I was
dancing around House and I was doing my makeup and I was having
the time of my life. But yesterday I wouldn't haven't
been able to show up the way that I was able to show up today
to do the different things that I was able to do.
So if you are able, if you have the time and you are someone who
like is may be self-employed or you kind of have like a
half-and-half situation. Also listen to your body and
don't be scared that. You're not getting things done
quick enough that like anxiety of, like, I need to accomplish a
need to get things done again. Usually Comes with that.
Like people pleaser type, I would encourage you to be aware
of when you're feeling that because it's, you're better off
taking the time and replenishing your energy.
Now, before we get into boundaries in relationships, I
just wanted to say one more thing about this that of course
you want your choices to not just come from a place of
pursuing pleasure because I do think.
Yes, absolutely. You should pursue Pleasure in
many ways. But if you always do that, then
you might become a bit lazy. And like I've gone through
Seasons where I've noticed myself being like I just need to
relax. I think I talked about this in a
few episodes ago. Actually, I was like, I just
need to relax. I just think I need some time
and at the end of my journal every day, it was asking me, you
know, what did you learn today? It's in the 5-minute Journal.
If you guys heard about that and I was writing, it's okay to let
myself Jill. It's okay to let myself
replenish and I was writing it every day for like almost two
weeks. Then I was like I think I'm
relaxed enough, you know, I think I'm relaxed.
I think I need to push myself to get out of bed now and do
something, you know, actually. And it wasn't that.
I was literally staying in bed all day every day.
Okay. Of course, I wouldn't be
unhealthy. It was just that I wasn't like
pursuing anything and I wasn't really like seeing my friends.
And I think my relationships were kind of like, Suffering
because I wasn't like willing to like live my life and like be
present in my life. And so sometimes especially if
you like struggle with your mental health.
A little bit. You need to have that little
like okay, let's kick in the butt.
Let's move on. Let's get going.
You know, so I just take that with a grain of salt.
When I say that you need to replenish your cup, replenish
your cup and then get back out there because you know, you want
to take life. Oh I was going to say by the
balls, I don't like that analogy but it's what?
We've come up with today. All right?
Boundaries in relationships. Now look, it is completely your
choice. Who you allow into your life and
it is completely your choice, who you allowed to have a voice
in your life. This is really really important,
okay? So you can have your mother in
your life, right? She's your mom.
You love your mom, you know, you want to have you, someone a
family figure somebody from your family, maybe, and your life,
unless you're completely cut off from your family.
Which you if you are, then it's probably for a good reason.
So no shame. But if you are thinking, you
know, my family is not someone. These aren't people that I
really want to have a say in how I choose to do things with my
life, but I still want to have a relationship with them.
You can absolutely do that and even if they make comments,
like, so what are you gonna do that thing that, you know, mom's
always wanted you to do or, you know, you got that distant
cousin. Who's like, when are you gonna
come visit? Visit me in Ohio you know that
kind of shit. You're like look I'm gonna make
decisions for me at the end of the day I have to because if you
are constantly making decisions for other people you're just
bouncing around. You know you are literally just
constantly reflecting all these different things.
And then you look at yourself and you go who am I what the
hell am I doing? Where am I?
Because you're making choices based on what other people want
you to do. And if you have somebody in your
life, even, Like a friend of yours that loves to give advice
that, you know, the moment you sit down, you say, I've just
been really struggling with this and they go, okay, here's your
five step plan and you don't want their weird five step plan.
Then, first of all, you can just go.
Okay, thank you so much. I'm thinking, what I might do is
this and then, you know, you can move on in the conversation or
if you want to be proactive about the relationship and not
let resentment build up, you can always communicate.
Hey I think Right now I just need someone who's going to hear
me out and say yeah your situation sucks that is really
hard. How does it make you feel?
What do you think you want to do going forward?
Maybe that's all you need and maybe you should tell them that
that's what you need rather than allowing them to go on and try
to give you all this advice. We don't really want advice.
I think it's really important in our relationships to make clear
what is okay and what's not, okay?
And I know that she would be fine with me saying this but
this is a conversation that my I had to have because, as you grow
up, it's hard. It's a hard conversation like
that mother-daughter relationship, mother-son, maybe
father-son, whatever it is, like, it's a hard season to go
through for us as the children and for them.
The parents, they are watching these people who have relied on
them for their whole lives. Suddenly go, I'm going to make
my own decisions. Thanks, Mom and Dad.
Bye. That's scary for them.
You know, that, that purpose, that sense of what, you know,
I've been putting myself into for almost 20 years now is just
like, okay, thank you. I'll see you at Christmas or
like whatever, you know, or hopefully more than that, but
it's just that thing of like, that's really scary for them.
That's a transition. They have to go through on their
own and then we are going through transitions of who am I
becoming? And you might be in your 30s.
And you might be so feeling like you're doing that and that's
totally fine or you might not have even move.
Out of the house yet and this is maybe something more so that
you're preparing for. But just know that that coming
out and needing to kind of figure out who you are, is
totally fine. And if there's like this issue
between you and your parents or it feels a bit like a bit like
rough then that's okay. And that's actually so, so so
normal and with my mom and I I had to, at one point, say to
her, hey, like I really appreciate that.
You love that. I was like a Are all of growing
up or whatever. For this is just one example
because obviously we've had lots of these things come up but I
was a singer growing up and I did all these like gigs and I
like saying in the church, you know, I was very into it and
then eventually I started focusing on other things and I
still love singing. Icing constantly, like I said, I
was just running around my house singing Amy Winehouse and just
like, full like belting, like I'll I still love it.
I can I have a piano right there, you know, I play piano.
I I still love it and I still do it.
It I just don't really want to do it as a job like I just don't
like I love it. I don't feel like I've given up
on my dreams, I just don't, I don't want to do it, you know.
And so I had to say to her, like, I love this thing and I
want you to know that I'm so thankful that you put me through
all these like lessons and, you know, you financed that and you
encouraged me through that and you came and watched my
performances. And, you know, you encouraged me
in that way. And I love that.
And I'm so it's getting bright in here.
Oh, and you know, I'm thankful. For that.
But I just every time you send me a video of me like singing or
every time you say, like all when you going to be singing
next and makes me feel like I'm not good enough and makes me
feel like I'm not doing enough. And like you aren't proud of me
and like, I'd like fails you or something.
And so these are these conversations that we have to
have with our family and these relationships that, you know,
you need to be honest because the alternative and this is a
very sad alternative and very common alternative.
Is that you don't communicate how it's been, A frustration for
you and then this resentment builds up and then you don't
actually have a relationship with those people.
And then you end up being that person that you know, only sees
your family over Christmas or not at all or and that that's
also hard for you and so I would encourage you to step back and
be aware. Where do I need to actually tell
people in my life like I'm kind of struggling with how you speak
to me and the things you try to tell me to do and I would like
some more space. To become who I want to become.
And I think I need that to grow and I would hope that you would
respect my want to grow into being my own person, which is
hard to do. But important the last thing I
want to say about making sure that you are aware of who you're
letting have a say, in your life is people will give you advice.
Sometimes of course you don't ask for it, but they give you
this advice. You definitely don't have to
follow through on that advice and I would be aware of Who you
give information to and who you vent to?
I'm a very open person. I am like an open book.
You know, I'll say it as it is like I'll talk about the things
I'm going through. Like I will, I'm very, very
open. I like wear my heart on my
sleeve as people will say, you know, I've just always been like
that. Very passionate, I cry very
easily. Like I'm just like that and I
really do love that about me, but it means that sometimes I'll
be sitting across from a stranger or a friend.
That I don't know very well or a family member that I probably
shouldn't talk to about certain things and I'll be like, yeah,
so this person and then having sex and then this thing and then
there was this drama and I couldn't believe that like I'm
just I will be very like open and very intense and then I look
back and I go oh God, why did I say that?
I'm such an oversharer, you know?
So now I look back and like, okay, you know what, I have to
be a bit careful because what I end up doing is Is I will tell
multiple people about certain situations and then I'll be
like, uh, you know, I shouldn't have gone and as all this advice
and done all this because now I'm more confused.
And now I'm more like God. What do I do?
I should have just listened to that like intuitive voice.
That just told me what to do right away.
And instead of letting like the emotion overtake, me and putting
off, how I'm going to deal with the situation and sharing it.
With all these people, I should have just dealt with it and like
made that mature. Voice.
And so that's something that I'm still growing in.
I will say, but I still think it's really important to mention
because I've seen the difference between when I've handled that
situation well, and when I haven't handled that situation
very well and it's great when you can just take it back for a
second and go. Okay, what do I need to do?
Like, what is my what do I actually want to do here?
And then going and doing that thing without questioning
yourself and feeling like you have to go and tell the whole
world because I love to do that, okay?
All right, we have come to that time.
It is time to reflect. Okay, let's going to take you
through a few questions. I want you to take a second
think about how you're feeling after this episode, you know,
all the information kind of all the things, the thoughts points.
I've given you to think on, let's talk about how you can
reflect on this. Alright, can you think of
examples of people in your life who have influenced you in this
area? People who have demonstrated a
lack of boundaries or even the opposite?
Somebody with a lot of walls up who doesn't let anybody in,
okay, can you start to think of some of those people can you
think oh, you know, my mom's just like that or yeah, I have a
friend who doesn't tell me about anything, you know, how can you
become that middle version, where you have boundaries that
are in place? That makes sense for the
relationships that you currently have, but you also aren't
closing yourself off to everyone.
All right, are you a people pleaser?
If you're listening to this episode, you probably are Are,
are you a bit of a pushover? You know, are you easily
convinced? What challenges has this brought
you? I know I know has this has this
made you go? Oh yeah, that's me.
Yeah, I walk into the space and I just want everyone to be
excited that I'm there and, you know, I want everyone's
validation. Where does that validation come
from? You know, she does that come
from other people. That, is that how you get on
with your day that people are making Feel like you're worth
being the spaces or do you need to work on finding that
validation from within does that need to come from a part of you
that says I'm actually allowed to be myself in any space.
I'm allowed to walk into any room in fully be there and take
up space. You know I'm allowed to ask
questions and be present as myself.
Whether that means that I'm going to be a bit more to myself
that day or I'm going to be super outgoing and maybe a
little bit too much and people might say I'm I'm too much.
Are you actually allowing yourself to be in spaces, fully
as yourself or as our? Are you showing up and just
mirroring everybody and just trying to fit in?
Because if you are, that can be so taxing on you emotionally and
it can drain you, socially are there?
A lot of things you feel you should do?
Do you often feel like you're doing things against your will?
Is that because you have to do these things?
Or is it fear based, for example?
What if they think I'm boring for not going out or what?
If my boss thinks that I'm not a hard worker?
Is that your internal dialogue? And if it is, how can you start
to affirm for yourself that you are a hard worker or you are a
good friend or you aren't boring?
Like, really starting to believe that you are allowed to say,
yes, to the things that are a hell, yes, and no to the things
that are just a know and that That's okay.
And that, if anybody in your life doesn't want to be around
you, because you are respecting yourself worth and listening to
that intuitive voice. The things that you actually
want to do in your life, then that is not a good friend that
is not a good person for you. And I can tell you from
experience that there are people in your life that are absolutely
going to get bothered by you stepping into who you really
want to be, right? Because you have a friend who is
constantly just me When you and making you feel good and telling
you that you're the best in being your height person and
never telling you that you are wrong and never encouraging you
to be better. Of course, you're going to be
like this is the best person in the world, they're amazing.
They think I'm amazing. You know, I can see why that
would be amazing. People would probably think that
you're awesome, but if you don't feel good at the end of the day,
if you feel like you are pushing through and just trying to be
the best for everybody else, you're not going to have real
relationships with those people. You know, resentment is going to
build up and there is going to be this like, lack of true
connection because you're not going to open up about things
that you actually struggle with. Its it becomes like a bit of a
facade, like a bit of a play, a bit of a, it just becomes fake.
You know, and I think a lot of people end up living that way.
And it's really quite sad because at the end of the day
we're drained and we aren't fulfilled.
And we aren't actively making choices to work towards the
things that we actually want to do with our lives.
We are just trying to be really good at that one choice that we
made to do that degree or to work at that place that we don't
even like. So what can you do?
What can you do to start to work towards building life that you
actually love and being around people that actually respect you
enough for you to be able to be you.
I hope that you got something out of today's episode.
I didn't really know how this episode is going to end up
feeling like how it was going to be.
But But I just really wanted to speak to the people who feel
like they aren't owning their lives and I want you to feel
like you can own your life and take control and like take it by
the reins and just be that person who really makes choices
based off of what they love and want and are excited about.
So please let me know if you guys have any questions.
If you want to have a little chitchat at the moment, I am
answering all my DMs on Instagram.
So I'm answering. Single one of them and less
obviously they're like an appropriate or something like
that but I'm answering everybody and just really focusing in on
like chatting with you guys and really like being in this
community but something that's really exciting that's coming
up. Is my website that I'm building
right now where there's going to be an option for you guys to go
on and send through questions anonymously.
So I've actually started that this week and it's looking
beautiful and I'm loving it, but you guys can be able to go on
there. Ask questions and it's going to
become a segment on the podcast. So at the end of every podcast,
once we have that going properly, it's going to be at
the end of every single episode where I'm just going to go
through a few questions that you guys have sent in.
Maybe it's going to be a whole like paragraph which these are
the kind of DMs. I get a lot of the time and this is why I'm
doing this, where it's like you know I'm going through all this
I'm feeling I might be, you know struggling with my sexuality or
this thing with my boyfriend or whatever and we have a whole
chat about it and I've just been to chatting with you guys and
being like You know what if somebody struggling with this
then somebody else is obviously struggling with this as well.
And I just feel like you guys would get a lot out of hearing
these conversations and these kind of realizations that me and
others are coming to as we have these chats.
And so, I would love to be able to open that up and bring that
in as a segment. So that's something we're going
to be doing, so be on the lookout for that.
And if you guys want to connect with me on Instagram or Tick,
Tock, it's Alyssa Taylor Harper, which is linked in today's
episode. And we also have a Facebook
group It's called the she said, what Facebook, group podcast,
group, something like that. And you didn't just go fill out
the quick little form just to make sure you answer the
questions because if you don't answer the questions, then I
can't let you in because I just want to make sure that is a safe
space for everybody. Feel to come and chat and work
through some stuff together and get, of course, updates on
everything that's going on around these parts.
But that's it, guys, thank you so much for coming today and for
listening in and I will see you next week.
Have a lovely day. Bye guys.