You're listening to She Said, what with your host, Alyssa
Harper. Hello sexy people, and welcome
back to she Said. What if you've not been here
before? Then I just want to welcome you
and let you know that this is a space for you to come and become
the best version of yourself. This is a safe, open space for
you to learn and grow. Whether we're talking about sex
and sexuality or relationships or self growth, this is space
for you to just check in and hopefully get something out of
every single episode. And today we're going to be
talking about becoming confident in your sexuality.
We will talk a little bit about sex, but it's more so about your
sexuality. So if you are someone within the
LGBTQI A+ community or the queer community, as a lot of us like
to say, then this is a space for you to come and explore what it
looks like to be excited about your sexuality and to not just
feel like, Oh my God, this is this thing that is about me and
it's true about me. But I don't know what to do with
it. But to actually get to the point
where you're like, fuck yeah, I'm proud of myself and I'm who
I want to be and I'm confident in my sexuality.
So that's what today is gonna be all about.
I'm obviously gonna be sharing some of my own personal stories
in this episode, and also stories of people who are close
to me, people that I've encountered in my life,
obviously anonymously. To give you some context on what
it's like to go through this process and hopefully encourage
you to be really confident in who you actually are, this
episode is for somebody who is questioning their sexuality.
This episode is for somebody who is pretty firm in the label that
they want to use, but they don't feel gay enough or they don't
feel straight enough to say that they are straight.
This episode is for somebody who is firm in a label that they
want to use but they don't know how to get into the queer
community. Someone who is in the process of
this journey but they want some extra support.
I would love to do that for you. This episode is going to give
you reassurance on what is normal to be experiencing.
It's going to help you to breakdown some internalized
homophobia. And I'm going to give you the
practical things that you can do today and within the next week,
the next few months, to grow into this confidence of your
sexuality and to ultimately become the best version of
yourself. All right, let's get into it.
This is the first video episode that I have filmed in the
evening, and I just want you guys to know that the journey to
get here was not easy. The lighting situation cursed.
OK, so if you're watching this video right now, I just want you
to know that it's not perfect, but I love you for being here.
OKI am having a glass of wine and I am happy about that
because. It's the evening.
Oh, my God. It's 5:00 somewhere.
In fact, it's 5:00 here, so relax, all right?
I'm gonna start with an update on my life.
My life recently has been so much fun.
Just so much fun. I have to be really honest with
you guys. I think I said this in the last
episode as well. Few months.
Ago, I was depressed. I was not good.
I was just. It was winter, OK?
I was getting no sun. I was doing the things I was
meant to be doing, but like I wasn't doing it with like my
heart and like my intuition I was.
You know, and I'm not saying that during that time I wasn't
putting out things that. You guys would like or whatever
because there was, you know, good feedback of the time and
everything else, but it just took so much of my energy.
Whereas now everything that I'm creating just feels effortless
and it feels fun and it feels in line with what I'm doing.
And this episode to me is so fucking important because this
is what you guys are talking to me about.
When you guys are D Ming me and you're sending these big ass
DM's and you're saying, Alyssa, I just need somebody right now
because I think I might be this sexuality, but I don't know and
I'm in love with my best friend and you're sending all these
things. First of all, thank you for
doing that. Because absolutely love to hear
your stories and it really does give me context as to where you
guys are at so I can create things that are valuable and
useful for you. So thank you for sharing with me
and also that I love to respond to you and have these
conversations where you actually really open up and you become
comfortable to tell me what it is that you need.
And it's just to me, that is what is fulfilling in this
journey. Like, I really care about you
guys and that's so embarrassing. Loser.
I know, but I do. I really, really do, and it's
really important to me that what I'm doing is actually helping
people because I'm not going to do it otherwise.
This is why I'm doing this. I never intended for this to be
like my job. I never intended for this to be
what I do full time. This is like what I do because
there's a need for it and I hope that this is useful to you.
So thank you. And these are the things that
people are actually asking me about and they're saying to me,
I just need some reassurance. I just need somebody tell me
that I'm valid. I need somebody to step in and
say you don't have to have. This sexual experience, you
don't have to dress the certain way to be queer enough.
You don't have to have been identifying with a certain
sexuality for a certain amount of time to be gay enough.
And this is what I needed to hear probably about three years
ago. Like, I needed to hear it.
And so as much as I can in this episode, I'm going to provide
that for you. I just realized I didn't really
give you any updates on my life, so I'll just give you a.
Really, really quick one. I went on a little mini trip
with two of my really good friends, Blue and Tom last week
and we went to the Royal National Park here in NSW
Sydney. I don't really know.
This is the thing about me is like, I will go places and I
don't know where the hell I am. Like, I actually don't know.
Like, I actually fully don't know.
And I'll be with somebody like hours and hours away from my
home and I'll be like, where are we again, it's actually bad.
I don't know what month it is. Like, I don't know what the
issue is, but I don't know what the hell is going on.
All I know is that I'm. Having a great time.
So we went to the National Park and then we went to.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
We went to somewhere called Stockton where there is like
this really. Beautiful beach and the sand
dunes. It's fucked.
I can't even explain it. So there's a huge, huge
ginormous beach and it's gorgeous.
And then behind the beach. It's just sand dunes, like it's
just it looks like I'm Canadian, it looks like snow, it looks
like the moon. I can't even it was just.
It was so crazy. If you guys don't follow me on
Instagram, you can follow me over there.
It's Alyssa Taylor Harbor. And you have.
It's linked below. If you really want to go, follow
me. Wow.
OK. So Formo Queen.
All right, I literally posted these photos there and I was
like, this is just beautiful. I just feel good here.
I feel myself. The sand is like so soft.
It feels like water. It was just so gorgeous.
So we went there because my friend blew.
Who is a model and we were getting some photos for him to
have in his like portfolio etcetera, etcetera.
And Tom is a photographer, so then he was getting some stuff
for his portfolio. So it's just like a really fun
little like creative trip that I did with them.
We just had so much fucking fun. Like they are just a dream in
the dynamic between the three of us is so fun and we just have so
much fun together. And I was just like I was so
happy to be there. And it was funny because you
guys have been following me for a while.
You know that I have anxiety and I've also have social anxiety,
so it just really takes it out of me.
And they were trying to convince me as we are on the way home
from the Royal National Park after being there for like. 8
fucking hours literally going on a.
Whole, like walk, a whole hike. I wore fucking hiking shoes.
Like being on the beach all day. I'm think of me okay the end of
the day. I'm like hot.
I'm sweaty. I want to go home.
I want to have a shower. They're trying to convince me to
go on a. Three day trip starting right
now. I was like, no, no chance, a
little, zero chance. And they unfortunately did
convince me. And so I did actually go home
and pack a bag and have a quick shower while they sat in my
living room. And I was so stressed and I was
like, OK, what do I need? What do I need?
And I'll give you a little tip right now, if you're an anxiety
girly and you get in a situation like this, body scans are
everything. So if you're trying to figure
out if you have all the things that you need, body scan, head
to toe, don't rush it. Start with your head.
You go, OK, shampoo, conditioner, hair products, Am I
going to need a straightener? OK, make.
Look up. Am I going to need, like, face
cleansers, Like skin care stuff? You keep going, OK?
We've got bras, we've got shirts, we've got sweaters.
Are we going to be warm? Are we going to be cold?
Keep going. We've got bottoms, we've got
shorts, we've got skirts. Are we going to need something
to sleep in? OK, don't skip that point.
You're going to need underwear. Going to the feet.
You need socks. You need enough socks, OK?
Don't forget the socks. You're going to need a few
different pairs of shoes. You're going to need maybe some
runners, something comfy for all the fucking hikes that they're
going to make you go on. You're going to need some open
toed shoes because you don't want to get to the beach and be
strapping that shit up every two seconds.
That's so annoying. And then you have to figure out,
are we going to go for a nice dinner?
Because am I going to need like some little heels?
Am I going to need some boots? What am I going to need?
So you got to really sit there and go through body scan.
I'm telling you, it brings your anxiety down times 1,000,000.
Okay, you got your phone charger.
That's all you need. Get out.
We're ready to go. We're going on a day trip.
We're going on a three day trip and we did do that.
We did in fact do that. And it was literally the time of
my life. And so to be fair, I am thankful
that they twisted my arm, but I was quite anxious leaving my
therapist would be so proud of me.
That's what I've done. Other than that, just you guys
know with the podcast I was doing an episode every week for.
Like a year and a half ish, almost two years now.
I'm out of space where I want to put out episodes when I feel
like it's something that you guys need.
As you know, I'm very intuitive and I like to like, really
consider what it is that you guys want and what's happening.
Like the pulse of this community.
And that's really important to me.
And I use like the Facebook group for that.
I use my Dm's for that. I use my TikTok comments for
that. Those are the places where I go
and I really hear from you guys. And so episodes will be coming
out probably twice a month, maybe more, maybe less,
hopefully more. But just to give you guys as
much as I can where it's actually going to be really
strong and helpful for you. So if you guys have any feedback
on that, any thoughts on that, please genuinely reach out to
me, DM me. If there's anything you want to
see, if you want to get on the Facebook group and just be a
part of that community, please feel free.
Because again, I do this for you.
I I do like I it's just a constant like Twoway St. of like
just trying to listen for what you guys want.
And I really fucking care about you guys, and I really want you
guys to move forward in the things that you bring to me and
for me when somebody tells me. I'm really scared to come out.
I'm thinking of telling my sister tonight, I'm thinking of
telling this friend, whatever. And then later in the evening
you update me and you tell me that you've done it and we
celebrate together. Like that is everything for me,
that that's what like, lights me up.
And so if you need somebody to support you, just know that I'm
genuinely, really in this community and I have all the
time for you. And sometimes it does take a
little bit of extra time for me to get back to everybody, but
I'm really serious about doing that.
So thank you for being here. All right.
Let's get into today's episode because there's a lot to talk
about. And I just know that this is
going to be a really important one, especially if you are in
this situation. I just want to speak to you.
I want to speak to the person that I needed to hear from a few
years ago, and I'm just so ready to do that, so.
Let's get into it. First off, I want to acknowledge
you for coming to this podcast episode because you are on the
journey and that is really beautiful.
You probably don't have it all figured out and neither do I.
And that is really important to acknowledge mental health.
Negative mental health effects on this community are higher
than people who identify as straight and you're doing a
really great job. You're.
On it. You're in it.
And and that's really cool.
And you're going to look back at this time and you're going to
empathize with yourself. You're going to learn to
appreciate this version of you. And maybe you're not quite in
that space where you're, like, really confused.
Maybe you're quite certain right now.
Maybe you're like, no, no, no. I'm bisexual.
I'm pansexual. I'm queer.
I'm a lesbian. I am gay.
I am trans. I am.
Firm in my identity, but I just want to be more confident in it.
And I just want to celebrate you no matter where you are on that
journey. Because every stage is so
important and every version of that journey is you.
You are every version of that. And although you've overcome
things, you still have this empathy for the past you, and
you still have an appreciation for who you were.
And if you look back I just this is just something.
I feel like I should share with you if you look back and you see
a part of you. That you're embarrassed by.
If you look back and you see a part of you that is cringy, like
you're like they didn't know who they were.
Oh, they were trying so hard to be fem or mask or this thing or
that thing. I just want you to give love
back to that person and remind yourself that you were doing
everything you could at that time with the knowledge and the
capacity and the support that you had at that time and that
version of you deserves just as much love.
As the version of you that you are accessing and working
through right now just felt like I should share that with you.
OKI want to start out internally.
I want to talk about the internal self.
The part of you that maybe only ever makes it to paper, maybe
only ever sits in your head. The part of you that is you
becoming confident not just interpersonally with other
people, but you deeply. You point #1 on this for me is.
For you to identify the sex negative and homophobic
potentially beliefs that you may have been taught.
So much of what we carry on in life is simply what we were
taught naturally, right? And we can be taught through our
friends, our family, through media.
There's so many other things. But what you need to first do is
actually sit there and acknowledge What was I taught
about sex? What was I taught about
sexuality? What was I taught about gay
people or lesbians or bisexual people?
What are the preconceived notions that I have towards that
group of people, even if I identify with it?
Because what that sometimes looks like is internalized
homophobia. And I want you to remember that
if you resonate with any of these beliefs that you are not a
bad person. So if maybe you are really into
women and you are a woman, but you look at 2 gay men kissing or
something like that and you think like who?
That makes me uncomfortable or whatever, remember that that was
learned. You are not innately hateful.
You are not innately homophobic, just like how you aren't
innately. Racist.
These are systems that we have been taught.
These are beliefs that we've been taught.
These are fears that have been been put on us by the people
that raised us. And again through media and so
many other things, Especially if you were raised religiously, and
the only reason I say this is because I was, then it's likely
that some of these things have been taught to you.
And unfortunately, it is now your job to unlearn those
things, and as unfair as it is. There's many people who have
other struggles that are also unfair.
We need to be actively working towards unlearning these ways of
thinking, and there's a lot of ways to do that, and we're going
to get into the more practical side a little bit later.
But what I want you to more think about right now is just
identifying those moments where you were taught these things.
And I've shared this story before on the podcast, but I
feel like it's really important for me to share it right now as
well. Growing up, I remember sitting
downstairs with my family, we had this kind of like rec room
and there was this little blue chair that my sister and I used
to be obsessed with and we'd like, fight over it.
At the end of the day, we'd come home from school and we'd run
and we try to see who can get to the blue chair 1st and like, it
was like what we would do. So I was sat there one night
with my whole family, like my mom, my dad, my sister and me
sat there. I got in the blue chair because
I'm a fucking winner and I'm sat there.
We're watching Glee. And obviously, no shade to my
mother. We've had conversations about
this since. She's so supportive, so lovely.
When I came out to her, she was amazing.
I can tell you guys more about that later if you want.
But, like, she's amazing. She's genuinely so, so amazing.
And I tell her so much to the point that she's like, OK, don't
tell me everything, OK? Like it's it's great.
It's so fine. But at the time.
Just because we were very much wrapped into the church, and she
grew up so much more conservative than me, to the
point that she had to hide Whitney Houston tapes in her
ceiling boards. Like she wasn't allowed to
listen to music that wasn't Christian music and she was not
to play with cards and like do all these things that were just
seemingly evil, right? She as we were watching Glee,
there's a moment where two boys were kissing and she just goes,
Kids, cover your eyes, cover your eyes.
And I remember in that moment part of me.
At a very young age, knew that I was queer, at least to a certain
extent. Part of me knew that there was
something there. And in that moment where she
said cover your eyes, something's clicked in me and it
said all that is wrong, that is wrong.
Two boys should not be kissing, 2 girls should not be kissing.
These scenes that I find really exciting, I should be feeling
shame about, and that taught me that homosexuality was wrong.
And she never meant to do that. And again, this isn't anything
against my mom. It's just to give you an example
of like you have these moments where people confirm for you
that something that you feel is wrong and it is shameful and you
should feel shame about it. And it's really detrimental
because in time you realize that those little moments actually
add up. And then you're someone who's in
your 20s, and you're free and you can do whatever you want.
And maybe you don't live at home, or maybe you do, but you
have more, you know, personal life.
And whatever your situation is, you feel like you're this adult
person. But then that moment from when
you were nine, or you were 12 or you were 15 genuinely haunts
you. It sits with you and it tells
you that. You being in love with your best
friend is wrong, or you wanting to go on a date with a girl is
wrong, or you wanting to kiss a boy is wrong and it's hurtful
and so it's really important that we actually sit here and
this isn't to pull up. And to, like, make a big deal
and to, like, dramatize things. I don't want you to dramatize
things. I don't want you to make it
worse than it was. But I want you to be honest with
yourself about what those moments were growing up that
told you. That homosexuality is wrong.
That bisexuality is wrong. And really sit with that and ask
yourself that question. Because if you can go back and
like what I was talking about earlier, if you can go back and
you can speak to that person and say you don't have to cover your
eyes. Or if you go back and you can
say to that person, there was never anything wrong with that,
that can be really powerful and that could be really healing.
Oh God, I feel like I'm gonna cry.
OK, moving forward. All right, I want you to workout
your own pace. There is no correct timeline.
There's no time that you're meant to have sex with somebody
by. There isn't a certain age, and
queer people often take a little bit longer to have sexual
experiences because it takes longer for you to figure out who
you're attracted to. That's completely normal.
Often you hear people in the queer community talking about
being a late bloomer and how some people are late bloomers.
And it's really easy for someone who is a late bloomer.
And, you know, late is a strong word.
But who's a late bloomer to look at someone who comes out when
they're 15? Or comes out, you know, to all
their friends in high school on social media and it's this cool,
fun thing and they bake a fucking cake and they write a
goddamn song and it's this whole thing.
And they. Look at that and they go, well,
I'm kind of like too old now to make a big deal of it and I can
feel really hurtful and invalidating.
But I want you to know that being a late bloomer, at least
from the experience that I've seen with a lot of people around
me, is so much more common than you would think.
I wouldn't say like one is more common than the other.
I honestly don't really know. I've just seen it so, so
commonly. A good friend of mine who I
obviously won't name for the sake of their protection, but
they have spoken to me on many different occasions about how
they wish that they had had a sexual experience, and they are
well into their 20s and they've never had a sexual experience at
all whatsoever. They have really struggled to
figure out how they identify who they're attracted to, if there's
a difference between romantic and sexual attraction for.
Them It's a struggle and it's okay to be in that boat, to not
have had those experiences yet. No one is asking you to have
those experiences. And I know that automatically
you're going to think, oh, but what if I'm talking to someone
about sex and they say, you know when this happens and I have to
pretend and that's awkward and that makes me uncomfortable.
I know, I'm not saying that that's not valid and that that's
not real. That is real.
But you don't have to let it penetrate you in the way that
you think it should. You don't have to let it affect
you. I think it's so much more
important for you to have a core belief that things are going to
happen in my own time and I'm not in a rush.
Your timing is your. Timing.
And if you're like me, maybe you mostly dated, mostly saw men for
a lot of your life, and then realized that you were queer
while being in a relationship with a man.
If you're like me, I want you to know how incredibly invalidated
I felt when I wanted to come out.
It was horrible. I was like, I'm so sure.
I'm so sure that I'm bisexual. I'm so sure that I am not
straight. I can feel it.
It's an intuitive thing. I know it, and I know that I'm
not lying. But how do I prove that to other
people? What are people gonna think?
Are they gonna think that I'm just wanting attention or
whatever the fuck people say about bisexual people?
Of course I genuinely felt that. But I want you to know that
that's the thing. As a bisexual now and someone
who's confident in it, I can tell you that when people act
like my experiences aren't valid or whatever, I laugh like I
think it's funny. I'm like, bro, have you ever
fucking heard what bisexuality is?
The point is that I could be attracted to my own gender or
any other gender. That's the by, that's the two.
That's the bisexuality. And unfortunately straight men
fall into that category. Sorry, but that's just how it
fucking is. Like, I'm really confident in it
now so I can talk about it that way.
Whereas at first, like, fuck, I was scared.
Fuck, I was anxious for someone to ask me, oh, we'll have have
you dated a woman? Have you done this?
Have you done that? Because even if I could say yes
to those things, the fact that they would then respond
automatically with a statement that ultimately said, I don't
believe you. That was hurtful.
And what I want you to be able to do is get to a place where it
doesn't feel hurtful, where you actually have the capacity to
go. Hey, I understand that question,
but I would love to educate you on this topic.
And if they're a good fucking person, then they would actually
listen and want to be a part of that journey with you.
And if they're not, then whatever, They're fucking
homophobic. Don't be friends with them, you
know? But like okay #3, and this is a
big one, remove the pressure you have on yourself to come out.
You don't need to come out within any time frame to anyone.
You don't owe it to anyone. A good friend of mine once told
me that instead of viewing it as coming out, they view it as
letting people in, and that completely changed my view of
coming out. This isn't some secret that you
hold within that needs to be released.
This is a part of your life that is sacred to you and is
important to you. And if you have a relationship
in your life that is really important to you, someone that
you trust where you really want to let them into that space,
that is a fucking honor that they're allowed into that space
when you start to create that switch.
And I'm saying, seriously, sit here and feel that with me that
it isn't some secret that you need to tell people, but that
this is a part of you that is valuable, that is sacred, that
is beautiful, that is special, that you're letting someone into
how incredible that they would get to come into that with you.
A part of your life that you've struggled with.
A part of your life that you've been scared of, that you've
maybe cried over, that has given you so many questions.
The fact that you're looking at somebody in your life and you're
going come in and let me tell you about this and be in this
with me, that is an honor. You don't owe anybody this
coming out. If anything, you're welcoming in
and that's really beautiful and really exciting.
And I will say, if you're not at a place at all to be ready to
let someone in, and you're still in very early stages, I can tell
you that when I first I was in the church at the time, to give
you context, I was in the church.
My role in the Church of like being a worship leader, leading
different teams, doing the things that I was doing, relied
on my straightness. Because if I wasn't straight, I
wouldn't be allowed to hold those roles.
When I sat down one day and I was really, seriously thinking
about my sexuality, being really honest with myself, I wrote down
in my journal for the first time.
I am bisexual and I. I cried.
I cried and cried and cried. And I only really thought about
this recently because I had somebody ask me, why do you say
that you're bisexual? Why don't you say that you're
queer? Sometimes people see the word
bisexual and they think you're only acknowledging 2 genders.
And that's actually potentially against the trans community.
And they they opened up to me about that and it was a good
conversation. I was thankful that they said
what they said. I was happy to educate them on
the true meaning of bisexual actual dictionary definition of
being attracted to your own gender and any other gender and
how that's the two and that's the split when it comes to the
prefix by. And I was happy to have that
conversation. But it only really made me sit
there and think, wow, why do I use the term bisexual?
And it's because it feels like home to me.
It's because when I wrote it down, I felt that emotional
release of, wow, this is truly who I am.
And fuck, that was hard to admit.
Not because it's bad, but because it affected my life.
Because it meant that I could lose people, because it meant
that I could lose positions, my future job.
I wanted to work in the church. Like I grew up religious guys.
I'm telling you, I was religious.
Religious okay. So I thought maybe I would be
like a creative pastor or something cool like that.
And that's what I thought I was working towards at the time.
I was going to a school in Australia that my visa was
connected to. If I came out as bisexual, I
would be kicked out of the school and I would be kicked out
of the country. Okay.
That's why I was fucking crying. It wasn't easy, but it made me
realize that it was true and that it wasn't going to change,
at least not for now. The reason I say that is because
your sexuality can absolutely change throughout your life.
That's why I say that I'm very firm in the term bisexual at the
moment. But yeah, it absolutely can
change, and I just would never want to close that door for
myself fully. But all right, #4 if you want to
get more comfortable in your sexuality is to talk about it
with people that you trust. When it is all in your head and
it feels like it's in your head, it's stressful.
But when you can talk about it with someone that you know.
Is going to support you. It can really give you the space
to feel like it's OK that I am this way, and I know it seems so
simple, but it is actually so, so, so important.
When you're able to get out of your head, you're able to be
more rational about the situation as a whole.
But what I want you to do is to be OK with people having
different reactions. Like some people might not act
like it's a big deal, and for you it's a big fucking deal.
Like for you, you struggled with it for ages and you were
confused and you were scared and you felt like you were doing a.
Bad thing. And you felt gross and you felt
terrible, like you might have a horrible experience of this and
then for someone to just be like, wow, I just like, I love
that for you. Like slay, you're gay.
Like you might be like, what the fuck do you mean?
Like what? This is a big deal.
And if it's a big deal for you, that's OK.
Hey, but what I would recommend for you then is to have a
conversation where you are showing through your language,
your body language, your communication that it is a big
deal. Don't be like me because what I
did when I first came out to my partner, his name is Sam.
I was telling him that I was bisexual.
He comes home from work one day and I was listening to this
YouTube video that is literally titled Am I By?
And I was watching it, and I was going.
So just how was your day? Yeah, your day's good.
Amazing. I've been watching this video
and he goes, cool, cool. And I go, Yep, just this video,
the one on the screen. And he was like, OK, that's
awesome money. And I was like, look, just this
is the video. And he goes, oh, oh, that's
interesting. Why, like, why are you watching
that? I went, oh, just watching it
because I think I might be bisexual.
Maybe I'm bisexual. I don't know.
And he went, you're not bisexual.
What are you talking about? And I was like.
What do you mean I'm not bisexual?
We. How dare you?
How dare you invalidate my experience and realized very
quickly that I did not approach that well because I didn't tell
him that I was being serious. I didn't tell him that I was
trying to have a good conversation.
I didn't communicate well. I basically.
Just brought up something very nonchalantly, hoping that he
would have some big reaction to it and that wasn't fair to him.
So I will say within a few days I told him, hey, just so you
know, the other day when I told you that I was bisexual, I was
actually serious and like, it's been a really big deal for me.
And then he went, oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry. And I really wish that we were
able to have a proper conversation.
Let's have it now. And we had a really great
conversation about it and it was literally like.
You know, what does that mean for our relationship now?
We don't know. Let's work on that together.
Let's grow together. Let's experience things
together. And it was really cool, but I
probably, probably, probably could have approached that
better, so I would. Recommend that if you want to
have a serious conversation, then maybe be more serious about
it. And if you want to be chill
about it and you're just someone who's like you just want someone
to say that's cool man, love that for you, then do that.
But just just be aware that people are only.
Working with the capacity that they have, the knowledge that
they have, and the experience that they have, and they're
likely not trying to hurt you or make you feel bad.
They're likely just trying to do what they think is best and it
can be awkward for them and they're just trying to support
you and not make you feel weird. So try to have grace for people
as they receive that information as well.
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Let's get back to the episode. All right.
It is time to talk about practically, what can you
actually do to be more? Confident in your sexuality.
This is like the things that I want you to do today, this week,
this month. Like we're talking let's get
fucking for real here. OK?
So number one, I want you to learn about it.
If you want to become more confident in your sexuality, you
need to learn about sexuality. You need to learn about the
LGBTQI A+ community. There is such a comfort in
hearing other people's experiences.
Like when I was realizing that I was bisexual, I read a book
called Greedy by Jen Winston where she talks about her life,
realizing, oh wow, I had this relationship with this guy.
And then there was this girl that I kind of fell in love
with, but I didn't think that I was loved because why would it
be loved? Because I'm straight.
And then there was another guy, and then there was another girl.
And then I realized, wait, this girl I actually like?
I We kiss each other sometimes and I would have sex with her.
And what does that mean for me? And that experience of watching
someone else experience it is so valuable and so helpful and
something that I can only now say retrospectively was really
key to me realizing not only. That I was bisexual but becoming
confident in my bisexuality. For you, this might be reading a
book, but this also might be watching a tick tock.
This might be following a queer creator on Instagram.
Whatever it looks like for. You as long as it tailors to
you. It's just important that you are
consuming media by people who identify in a similar way that
you identify because it helps you to make sense of the world
that is living in your head. Knowledge is power, and when you
feel like you have knowledge under your belt about the thing
that you identify with, it helps you to feel more confident in
it. For example, I had a few friends
the other day won't name any fucking names, these
motherfuckers joking about bisexuality.
And they were like, isn't that so funny?
Because like the B in L GB TQIA literally means bisexuality and
by means two. So within the actual acronym it
actually says that there's only two genders.
Isn't that so fucked up? Go be friends with straight men,
OK? All I'm going to say is don't be
fucking friends with straight men.
And I went, hi, I would love to educate you on that.
And very quickly I was able to say the dictionary definition of
bisexuality is actually being attracted to your own gender and
any other gender. And that's the split between
2:00 and that's where the prefix by comes from.
And very quickly they were like, oh.
Oh okay, we didn't know that. And I was like, yeah, because
you don't fucking read any books you fucking.
Anyways, not a big deal. Totally not upset at them.
The point is, is that. When you have the knowledge,
when you've actively tried to learn about these things, you
feel more confident sharing those things because you know
that you're right. Like you know you have this
knowledge. And so then when people, when
things come up, when issues come up, when conversations come up,
you feel more confident speaking on it.
And that makes you ultimately feel more confident in your own
identity #2. To feel more confident in your
sexuality, you should try to connect with people who identify
similarly to you. By connect, I mean to actually
meet these people, and it can totally be online, but I would
really recommend having these friendships in person.
There's a lot more going on than you would think when it comes to
queer communities in your area. This could be LGBTQ I a positive
spaces like libraries and clubs and cafes.
And so many other things. It doesn't have to be going out
and drinking and clubbing and fucking whatever else.
It can also be just very normal spaces and what I want you to do
going into these spaces is to try not to over sexualize them.
It's really easy when you're first coming out to feel like
you're a little baby in it and you don't know anything.
And all of these queer people are super fucking gay and super
sexual. And to like, over sexualize
these people, even though you're a part of it, you kind of feel
like someone's gonna try to hit on me or like I'm gonna try to
go home with some like, girl tonight.
That's gonna be crazy like it like.
You over sexualize it, and what I want you to do is try to step
out of that mentality and to recognize that there is going to
be, at least I can guarantee you, at least one person in the
room that is more comfortable in their sexuality and one person
that is less comfortable in their sexuality.
You're never going to be on either ends of the scale, and
that's totally fine, queer people.
Are you? You're just like queer people.
You are queer people. And I remember I had a
realization one day when somebody reached out to me on
Instagram and they were like, Oh my God, like, I would love to go
on a date with you. I'm just, I'm so intimidated.
You just seem so confident. And like, I haven't had many
queer experiences. And I went, I'm the gay people.
I'm the gay people that people think are scary.
I'm the gay one. It was just crazy because I
realized that we all have that. We all kind of have this
misinterpretation of what queer people are, even though we are
it. It's crazy.
Anyways, try to follow as many queer creators as you can,
whether that's like YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, whatever
makes sense for you. Actively try to be a part of
that kind of like language in those communities because it
will help you to feel like you are more invested in the
community. Read the books.
And try to actively connect with people that identify similarly
to you, so that you have people to talk to these issues about.
#3 is to connect with other queer people who don't identify
how you identify. And this is really important for
you to feel involved in the queer community just in general,
and it's going to help you to explore different identities
that you might not really know a lot about.
Like you might really not know somebody who's pansexual.
You might not know somebody who is trans.
You might not know somebody who's a lesbian and like for you
to explore. Meeting people within the queer
community who don't identify similarly to you, it actually
gives you the opportunity for yourself to explore.
Oh, do I potentially identify with that?
But also, wow, it's important for me to know what other queer
experiences look like. For example, years ago I didn't
know anybody who is non binary. I didn't know anybody who is
trans. Now I do.
Now I have those people in my community, but I didn't.
And so I didn't understand it. And so I knew about how it felt
to like women and to be scared of that, but I didn't know what
it was like to have gender euphoria and to struggle with
issues that were outside of me. But we're very much embedded in
my community. This is only going to make you a
better person within your community, and it's only going
to help you to empathize and be connected to more people.
It is so fun to be around someone who really identifies
with you. Like one of my best friends is
queer. I would say bisexual.
I say bisexual. She says queer.
But we are so similar in how we have kind of outworked that and
what that looks like for us. And it is fun.
Like we just, it just feels like they get it.
It's like another reason why I love having bisexual men in my
life because I feel like they just get it and it feels fun.
And like I can joke with them about being attracted to a man
or a woman or whoever, and it just feels good.
Like it's just it's nice, like it feels home, it feels safe.
It's like your chosen family. And externally to that as well,
not even externally, I guess in like inclusive of that.
There's also people that I don't identify with, like I wouldn't
say that I identify obviously with being say trans or being
gay or lesbian, but for me to have those people in my life, I
learned from them and you have so much more in common with
those people than you would think.
You have similar stories of struggling through your
sexuality. You have similar stories of
having questions that were unanswered.
You have internalized homophobia and all of these things that you
don't realize are so similar. And it's so valuable to talk
about that with people who've experienced that in different
ways. And last but not least, to feel
more confident in your sexuality, you need to explore
different relationships, and automatically your brain is
probably going to oh, I need to have sex.
I need to. It's about sex.
It's not about sex. It's not about sex.
It's about romance and relationships and attraction and
flirting and kissing and enjoying people's company and
realizing what you like. And absolutely, it can be about
sex, But the queer community is not about sex.
And if you're someone who is figuring out your sexuality,
it's really easy to oversexualize the queer
community because that's what you've been taught about the
queer community, especially as a straight person.
But now that you're realizing that you're actually a part of
this community, it's like, okay, let's be real, let's be honest
about what people are actually like, what relationships
actually look like. And it's not always about sex.
For example, I have a friend who identifies as heterosexual and
homo romantic. So she typically is more
romantically attracted to women and more sexually attracted to
men. Of course, we've had the
conversation of what would it look like if you then had an
experience with a woman? Do you think that maybe you
could be sexually attracted to her?
Do you think that that could turn eventually into you
identifying as lesbian? And she's always said maybe, you
know, maybe. But right now this is what I
feel, and that's what is so fucking cool about.
Sexuality is like it can change in time, You can become more
confident in different areas, and you can realize certain
things as time goes on. But if you guys have never heard
of this, then I would recommend you Googling something called
the Kinsey Scale, which is pretty basic, but it just tells
you about how you can be romantically attracted to
someone versus sexually attracted to someone and how
there is actually a difference in that.
And those things don't always align for people as you go
through this. As much as you're trying to make
sense of who you are, I want you to try not to box yourself and
to try not to box a specific type that you might have.
It's really easy when you first come out to want to be thin, or
to want to be masked, or to want to be a certain type of person
so that you can make sense of yourself in your head, or to
also make sense of who you might be attracted to.
I'm attracted to femmes, I'm attracted to girls with brown
hair, I'm attracted to blondes, I'm attracted to more masculine
energy, Whatever that looks like for you, that can be valuable
information for you. And you might start to see a bit
of a trend, and that's totally normal.
But I wouldn't hold yourself to it or hold the people that
you're attracted to to it, because it often changes in time
anyways. And it doesn't really matter, at
least for me. I've always said that I'm very
attracted to people's like energies.
Like if I just get on with someone, I get on with someone
and that's it. If I feel that attraction to
someone, I feel attracted to them.
And that's just, it doesn't matter who you are, what you
look like or what your type is or how tall you are or anything.
Like, I just, I love finding that connection with somebody,
and that is what is valuable to me.
You need to put yourself out there.
Like, what is the worst that could happen?
I'll tell you another story really quickly.
I went on a date with a girl a while back and had the best
time. And it was a date.
Like, we went for a coffee to begin and that was just like,
chill. And then the next time we hung
out, it was like, this is a date, you know?
So we went on a date and it was like super nice.
We, like, had dinner. We got a bottle of wine.
It was it was a fucking. It was a date, OK.
I walked her home gate because I'm a gentleman.
You're welcome. Hello.
And then we kissed twice, thrice.
We kissed. And then it was a whole thing.
And it was kind of like this thing where she was like, do you
want to come upstairs? And I was like, like, no,
because I was scared. I was scared.
Shut up. Don't make fun of me.
OKI was scared. But I also was just like, I
don't know if I'm like, if I want that right now.
Like just like personally was like, you know when you just
like, you're just. Kind of.
Not in the mood. So then you're like, sorry, it
has nothing to do with you. It genuinely has everything to
do with me. So I was, I was in it, but I
like, wasn't. I was like, oh, I reckon like
I'd rather just like, take this slow, whatever.
Then within a few days I was like, I'm just not thinking
about her. Like, I'm just not.
I'm curious about her. I'm not excited.
I'm not really excited about her, not really.
I'm not that interested. So then naturally I just, I told
her because I over communicate all the time because that's just
how I live my life. And I was like just you know,
like I kind of am feeling like friend vibes, whatever,
whatever. And she was like that's so fine.
Like I've experienced a lot of different queer relationships in
my life and like, I just am comfortable to like be friends
and like who knows what's going to happen, but like at least it
right now to just like be friends.
I'm totally fine with that. And I was like, OK, so late.
Like, it was like, so chill and so nice.
But it was a good experience for me to be like, OK, like, I can
explore this. And the worst that happens is we
just realize that we're like, just friends or we just, like,
don't like each other. We don't talk again.
Like, what are you scared of? You know what I mean?
Like, I know it's, it is scary. I'm not saying it's easy, but
I'm saying that you don't actually genuinely have a lot to
lose if you're like at the space where you're like, OK, well I'm
fucking queer, so let's see what's going to happen, you
know, just saying. And another thing with that is
like you should let your experiences educate you on how
you are attracted to people and what you like, but they aren't.
The end all be all. And this is really important,
especially if you are in, like a committed relationship.
Like say you are a woman and you are dating a man or whatever
you've been together for a few years.
I get a lot of you who tell me things like this.
We're like, you're like, I've been with a guy for a long time.
I think I am queer. I don't.
But I don't have the space to, like, prove it because I am with
a man. You don't have to fucking prove
it is what I'm trying to tell you.
You don't have to there. You don't have to have X amount
of experiences to then officially be bisexual.
Like there isn't a scale. You don't have to be 5050 and
you can be bisexual. You can be queer, you can be
panned, whatever, and you can have a certain part of you
that's like more towards men or more towards women, but you can
still be open either way. I have a friend who said they
were gay for ages and now they identify with bisexuality
because they're like there's a there's a big part of them that
actually really enjoys women. And they know that that part's
kind of small, but they actually feel like it's more authentic to
say bisexual. So they've now kind of not come
out again, but have decided, like, that's the term that they
want to use now. It changes.
There's no stress to be one
specific thing. And when you then have queer
friends and you're in a queer community of people who are,
like, loving, you know, and supportive, you realize that,
like, no one is begging you to give them an answer.
You're just like living your life, and it's great.
Labels are not all that important, and they're for you.
They're not for other people. Ultimately, they're for you.
If you want to give them to other people to help them to
understand you better or to just like build deeper connections
with people, sure. But again, that's you letting
them in, and that's sacred. And that is something that they
should appreciate and be aware of that that's not easy for you,
and it's really valuable to let somebody in.
It's not something that you have to do.
Get around more people that identify similarly to how you
identify. Get around more queer people in
general so you have a good scope of the queer experience.
Talk to the people you care about.
Talk to the people you trust and internally work on the things
that are going to help you to realize that you are allowed to
be exactly who you want to be and that there's nothing wrong
with the urges and the wants and the feelings that you have
because you are living a human experience that is messy and
scary and is not always going to be this linear thing.
There's going to be journeys along the way and you're not
going to arrive like truthfully. You're not going to arrive
truthfully. You are never going to feel, and
I'm so sorry to say this, you are never going to feel 100%
confident in your sexuality because you're never going to
feel 100% confident in yourself. These are tools and these are
words. This is language that we use to
help make sense of ourselves. But you're going to be
constantly growing, and that is a good thing.
You are going to be OK, and you're going to figure it out.
And with time it will make more sense.
But you should always leave yourself open to new
experiences, into identifying in different ways, to learning new
people, to experiencing new types of people.
Because life is exciting and it changes.
And that's what makes it so magical.
I love you. I appreciate you for being here.
Thank you so much for listening all the way through.
I hope that this episode fed you and made you feel more connected
with yourself and gave you insight on what you can do going
forward to become more confident in your sexuality.
If you want to connect with me directly, it is Alyssa Taylor
Harper on TikTok or Instagram. Instagram is a better place to
reach out to me specifically, but TikTok, we probably share a
bit more content on generally. Episodes are coming out, you
know just here and there really. And we have a Facebook group
called this, she said. What podcast group?
If you want to join us over there and make some queer
fucking friends again, thank you guys so much.
And I will see you guys in the next episode or on socials if
you come find me. OK All right, bye.
Love you guys.