1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:04,160 You're listening to She Said, what with your host, Alyssa 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:06,360 Harper. Hello sexy people, and welcome 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,760 back to she Said. What if you've not been here 4 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,200 before? Then I just want to welcome you 5 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,160 and let you know that this is a space for you to come and become 6 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,360 the best version of yourself. This is a safe, open space for 7 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:20,560 you to learn and grow. Whether we're talking about sex 8 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:25,040 and sexuality or relationships or self growth, this is space 9 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:30,360 for you to just check in and hopefully get something out of 10 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,600 every single episode. And today we're going to be 11 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,960 talking about becoming confident in your sexuality. 12 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,280 We will talk a little bit about sex, but it's more so about your 13 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,000 sexuality. So if you are someone within the 14 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:47,720 LGBTQI A+ community or the queer community, as a lot of us like 15 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:52,520 to say, then this is a space for you to come and explore what it 16 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:57,500 looks like to be excited about your sexuality and to not just 17 00:00:57,500 --> 00:01:00,700 feel like, Oh my God, this is this thing that is about me and 18 00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:02,900 it's true about me. But I don't know what to do with 19 00:01:02,900 --> 00:01:04,340 it. But to actually get to the point 20 00:01:04,340 --> 00:01:07,220 where you're like, fuck yeah, I'm proud of myself and I'm who 21 00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:09,620 I want to be and I'm confident in my sexuality. 22 00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:11,340 So that's what today is gonna be all about. 23 00:01:11,460 --> 00:01:13,900 I'm obviously gonna be sharing some of my own personal stories 24 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:16,900 in this episode, and also stories of people who are close 25 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:20,260 to me, people that I've encountered in my life, 26 00:01:20,260 --> 00:01:24,140 obviously anonymously. To give you some context on what 27 00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:27,300 it's like to go through this process and hopefully encourage 28 00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:31,100 you to be really confident in who you actually are, this 29 00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:34,060 episode is for somebody who is questioning their sexuality. 30 00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:37,900 This episode is for somebody who is pretty firm in the label that 31 00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:42,500 they want to use, but they don't feel gay enough or they don't 32 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:44,620 feel straight enough to say that they are straight. 33 00:01:44,820 --> 00:01:48,540 This episode is for somebody who is firm in a label that they 34 00:01:48,540 --> 00:01:51,740 want to use but they don't know how to get into the queer 35 00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:55,180 community. Someone who is in the process of 36 00:01:55,180 --> 00:01:57,580 this journey but they want some extra support. 37 00:01:57,580 --> 00:02:00,380 I would love to do that for you. This episode is going to give 38 00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:04,140 you reassurance on what is normal to be experiencing. 39 00:02:04,180 --> 00:02:07,420 It's going to help you to breakdown some internalized 40 00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:09,460 homophobia. And I'm going to give you the 41 00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:13,500 practical things that you can do today and within the next week, 42 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:16,820 the next few months, to grow into this confidence of your 43 00:02:16,820 --> 00:02:20,180 sexuality and to ultimately become the best version of 44 00:02:20,180 --> 00:02:22,390 yourself. All right, let's get into it. 45 00:02:27,510 --> 00:02:30,430 This is the first video episode that I have filmed in the 46 00:02:30,430 --> 00:02:32,990 evening, and I just want you guys to know that the journey to 47 00:02:32,990 --> 00:02:37,190 get here was not easy. The lighting situation cursed. 48 00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:39,870 OK, so if you're watching this video right now, I just want you 49 00:02:39,870 --> 00:02:44,150 to know that it's not perfect, but I love you for being here. 50 00:02:44,150 --> 00:02:47,630 OKI am having a glass of wine and I am happy about that 51 00:02:47,630 --> 00:02:49,670 because. It's the evening. 52 00:02:50,230 --> 00:02:52,030 Oh, my God. It's 5:00 somewhere. 53 00:02:52,030 --> 00:02:54,590 In fact, it's 5:00 here, so relax, all right? 54 00:02:54,830 --> 00:02:56,630 I'm gonna start with an update on my life. 55 00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,590 My life recently has been so much fun. 56 00:02:59,590 --> 00:03:01,550 Just so much fun. I have to be really honest with 57 00:03:01,550 --> 00:03:02,790 you guys. I think I said this in the last 58 00:03:02,790 --> 00:03:04,110 episode as well. Few months. 59 00:03:04,110 --> 00:03:08,150 Ago, I was depressed. I was not good. 60 00:03:08,950 --> 00:03:12,040 I was just. It was winter, OK? 61 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,880 I was getting no sun. I was doing the things I was 62 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:19,600 meant to be doing, but like I wasn't doing it with like my 63 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,240 heart and like my intuition I was. 64 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,280 You know, and I'm not saying that during that time I wasn't 65 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,860 putting out things that. You guys would like or whatever 66 00:03:25,860 --> 00:03:27,580 because there was, you know, good feedback of the time and 67 00:03:27,580 --> 00:03:29,980 everything else, but it just took so much of my energy. 68 00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:33,740 Whereas now everything that I'm creating just feels effortless 69 00:03:33,740 --> 00:03:36,500 and it feels fun and it feels in line with what I'm doing. 70 00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:40,020 And this episode to me is so fucking important because this 71 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,780 is what you guys are talking to me about. 72 00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:43,940 When you guys are D Ming me and you're sending these big ass 73 00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:47,300 DM's and you're saying, Alyssa, I just need somebody right now 74 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:50,340 because I think I might be this sexuality, but I don't know and 75 00:03:50,340 --> 00:03:52,660 I'm in love with my best friend and you're sending all these 76 00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:54,100 things. First of all, thank you for 77 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,220 doing that. Because absolutely love to hear 78 00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:59,260 your stories and it really does give me context as to where you 79 00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:02,100 guys are at so I can create things that are valuable and 80 00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:04,180 useful for you. So thank you for sharing with me 81 00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:06,900 and also that I love to respond to you and have these 82 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:10,900 conversations where you actually really open up and you become 83 00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:14,860 comfortable to tell me what it is that you need. 84 00:04:14,860 --> 00:04:18,459 And it's just to me, that is what is fulfilling in this 85 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,019 journey. Like, I really care about you 86 00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:23,340 guys and that's so embarrassing. Loser. 87 00:04:23,660 --> 00:04:26,220 I know, but I do. I really, really do, and it's 88 00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:28,780 really important to me that what I'm doing is actually helping 89 00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:31,340 people because I'm not going to do it otherwise. 90 00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:33,860 This is why I'm doing this. I never intended for this to be 91 00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:37,180 like my job. I never intended for this to be 92 00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:40,660 what I do full time. This is like what I do because 93 00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:44,780 there's a need for it and I hope that this is useful to you. 94 00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:48,280 So thank you. And these are the things that 95 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,680 people are actually asking me about and they're saying to me, 96 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,040 I just need some reassurance. I just need somebody tell me 97 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,680 that I'm valid. I need somebody to step in and 98 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,920 say you don't have to have. This sexual experience, you 99 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,840 don't have to dress the certain way to be queer enough. 100 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,280 You don't have to have been identifying with a certain 101 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:09,480 sexuality for a certain amount of time to be gay enough. 102 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:13,210 And this is what I needed to hear probably about three years 103 00:05:13,210 --> 00:05:15,050 ago. Like, I needed to hear it. 104 00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:17,970 And so as much as I can in this episode, I'm going to provide 105 00:05:17,970 --> 00:05:19,930 that for you. I just realized I didn't really 106 00:05:19,930 --> 00:05:21,370 give you any updates on my life, so I'll just give you a. 107 00:05:21,370 --> 00:05:24,570 Really, really quick one. I went on a little mini trip 108 00:05:24,570 --> 00:05:28,890 with two of my really good friends, Blue and Tom last week 109 00:05:28,930 --> 00:05:33,010 and we went to the Royal National Park here in NSW 110 00:05:33,210 --> 00:05:35,430 Sydney. I don't really know. 111 00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:37,710 This is the thing about me is like, I will go places and I 112 00:05:37,710 --> 00:05:40,190 don't know where the hell I am. Like, I actually don't know. 113 00:05:40,430 --> 00:05:41,630 Like, I actually fully don't know. 114 00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:44,630 And I'll be with somebody like hours and hours away from my 115 00:05:44,630 --> 00:05:47,230 home and I'll be like, where are we again, it's actually bad. 116 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,990 I don't know what month it is. Like, I don't know what the 117 00:05:50,990 --> 00:05:53,150 issue is, but I don't know what the hell is going on. 118 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,950 All I know is that I'm. Having a great time. 119 00:05:55,990 --> 00:05:59,030 So we went to the National Park and then we went to. 120 00:06:03,540 --> 00:06:04,460 See, this is what I'm talking about. 121 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:08,660 We went to somewhere called Stockton where there is like 122 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:10,420 this really. Beautiful beach and the sand 123 00:06:10,420 --> 00:06:11,820 dunes. It's fucked. 124 00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:14,220 I can't even explain it. So there's a huge, huge 125 00:06:14,220 --> 00:06:17,340 ginormous beach and it's gorgeous. 126 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:21,030 And then behind the beach. It's just sand dunes, like it's 127 00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:25,390 just it looks like I'm Canadian, it looks like snow, it looks 128 00:06:25,390 --> 00:06:27,710 like the moon. I can't even it was just. 129 00:06:28,270 --> 00:06:29,750 It was so crazy. If you guys don't follow me on 130 00:06:29,750 --> 00:06:31,110 Instagram, you can follow me over there. 131 00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:33,350 It's Alyssa Taylor Harbor. And you have. 132 00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:34,830 It's linked below. If you really want to go, follow 133 00:06:34,830 --> 00:06:35,150 me. Wow. 134 00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:36,230 OK. So Formo Queen. 135 00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:39,550 All right, I literally posted these photos there and I was 136 00:06:39,550 --> 00:06:41,790 like, this is just beautiful. I just feel good here. 137 00:06:41,790 --> 00:06:44,390 I feel myself. The sand is like so soft. 138 00:06:44,390 --> 00:06:47,030 It feels like water. It was just so gorgeous. 139 00:06:47,030 --> 00:06:49,350 So we went there because my friend blew. 140 00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:52,830 Who is a model and we were getting some photos for him to 141 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:55,150 have in his like portfolio etcetera, etcetera. 142 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,310 And Tom is a photographer, so then he was getting some stuff 143 00:06:58,310 --> 00:07:00,470 for his portfolio. So it's just like a really fun 144 00:07:00,470 --> 00:07:02,150 little like creative trip that I did with them. 145 00:07:02,390 --> 00:07:08,110 We just had so much fucking fun. Like they are just a dream in 146 00:07:08,110 --> 00:07:10,790 the dynamic between the three of us is so fun and we just have so 147 00:07:10,790 --> 00:07:13,630 much fun together. And I was just like I was so 148 00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:16,150 happy to be there. And it was funny because you 149 00:07:16,150 --> 00:07:17,190 guys have been following me for a while. 150 00:07:17,190 --> 00:07:20,790 You know that I have anxiety and I've also have social anxiety, 151 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:22,950 so it just really takes it out of me. 152 00:07:23,150 --> 00:07:26,230 And they were trying to convince me as we are on the way home 153 00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:28,670 from the Royal National Park after being there for like. 8 154 00:07:28,670 --> 00:07:30,430 fucking hours literally going on a. 155 00:07:30,430 --> 00:07:35,030 Whole, like walk, a whole hike. I wore fucking hiking shoes. 156 00:07:35,270 --> 00:07:38,350 Like being on the beach all day. I'm think of me okay the end of 157 00:07:38,350 --> 00:07:39,710 the day. I'm like hot. 158 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:40,830 I'm sweaty. I want to go home. 159 00:07:40,830 --> 00:07:42,910 I want to have a shower. They're trying to convince me to 160 00:07:42,910 --> 00:07:45,070 go on a. Three day trip starting right 161 00:07:45,070 --> 00:07:49,340 now. I was like, no, no chance, a 162 00:07:49,340 --> 00:07:51,740 little, zero chance. And they unfortunately did 163 00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:54,140 convince me. And so I did actually go home 164 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,180 and pack a bag and have a quick shower while they sat in my 165 00:07:57,180 --> 00:07:58,780 living room. And I was so stressed and I was 166 00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:00,780 like, OK, what do I need? What do I need? 167 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,820 And I'll give you a little tip right now, if you're an anxiety 168 00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:06,020 girly and you get in a situation like this, body scans are 169 00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:07,220 everything. So if you're trying to figure 170 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,300 out if you have all the things that you need, body scan, head 171 00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:11,060 to toe, don't rush it. Start with your head. 172 00:08:11,060 --> 00:08:14,180 You go, OK, shampoo, conditioner, hair products, Am I 173 00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:15,820 going to need a straightener? OK, make. 174 00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:17,620 Look up. Am I going to need, like, face 175 00:08:17,620 --> 00:08:20,420 cleansers, Like skin care stuff? You keep going, OK? 176 00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:23,700 We've got bras, we've got shirts, we've got sweaters. 177 00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,180 Are we going to be warm? Are we going to be cold? 178 00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,620 Keep going. We've got bottoms, we've got 179 00:08:27,620 --> 00:08:30,260 shorts, we've got skirts. Are we going to need something 180 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,419 to sleep in? OK, don't skip that point. 181 00:08:32,539 --> 00:08:34,860 You're going to need underwear. Going to the feet. 182 00:08:34,860 --> 00:08:38,260 You need socks. You need enough socks, OK? 183 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:40,280 Don't forget the socks. You're going to need a few 184 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,240 different pairs of shoes. You're going to need maybe some 185 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,680 runners, something comfy for all the fucking hikes that they're 186 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,960 going to make you go on. You're going to need some open 187 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,920 toed shoes because you don't want to get to the beach and be 188 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,240 strapping that shit up every two seconds. 189 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,360 That's so annoying. And then you have to figure out, 190 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,560 are we going to go for a nice dinner? 191 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,040 Because am I going to need like some little heels? 192 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,840 Am I going to need some boots? What am I going to need? 193 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,720 So you got to really sit there and go through body scan. 194 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,280 I'm telling you, it brings your anxiety down times 1,000,000. 195 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,120 Okay, you got your phone charger. 196 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:06,560 That's all you need. Get out. 197 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,710 We're ready to go. We're going on a day trip. 198 00:09:08,710 --> 00:09:11,270 We're going on a three day trip and we did do that. 199 00:09:11,390 --> 00:09:13,430 We did in fact do that. And it was literally the time of 200 00:09:13,430 --> 00:09:15,670 my life. And so to be fair, I am thankful 201 00:09:15,670 --> 00:09:19,750 that they twisted my arm, but I was quite anxious leaving my 202 00:09:19,750 --> 00:09:21,070 therapist would be so proud of me. 203 00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:23,270 That's what I've done. Other than that, just you guys 204 00:09:23,270 --> 00:09:27,230 know with the podcast I was doing an episode every week for. 205 00:09:27,850 --> 00:09:30,970 Like a year and a half ish, almost two years now. 206 00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:33,730 I'm out of space where I want to put out episodes when I feel 207 00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:35,290 like it's something that you guys need. 208 00:09:35,890 --> 00:09:38,730 As you know, I'm very intuitive and I like to like, really 209 00:09:38,730 --> 00:09:44,730 consider what it is that you guys want and what's happening. 210 00:09:44,730 --> 00:09:46,570 Like the pulse of this community. 211 00:09:46,970 --> 00:09:48,290 And that's really important to me. 212 00:09:48,490 --> 00:09:50,690 And I use like the Facebook group for that. 213 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:54,210 I use my Dm's for that. I use my TikTok comments for 214 00:09:54,210 --> 00:09:55,450 that. Those are the places where I go 215 00:09:55,450 --> 00:09:58,530 and I really hear from you guys. And so episodes will be coming 216 00:09:58,530 --> 00:10:02,890 out probably twice a month, maybe more, maybe less, 217 00:10:02,890 --> 00:10:05,930 hopefully more. But just to give you guys as 218 00:10:05,930 --> 00:10:08,450 much as I can where it's actually going to be really 219 00:10:08,450 --> 00:10:10,970 strong and helpful for you. So if you guys have any feedback 220 00:10:10,970 --> 00:10:14,050 on that, any thoughts on that, please genuinely reach out to 221 00:10:14,050 --> 00:10:16,410 me, DM me. If there's anything you want to 222 00:10:16,410 --> 00:10:18,970 see, if you want to get on the Facebook group and just be a 223 00:10:18,970 --> 00:10:20,610 part of that community, please feel free. 224 00:10:21,170 --> 00:10:23,490 Because again, I do this for you. 225 00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:27,770 I I do like I it's just a constant like Twoway St. of like 226 00:10:27,770 --> 00:10:29,770 just trying to listen for what you guys want. 227 00:10:29,970 --> 00:10:33,490 And I really fucking care about you guys, and I really want you 228 00:10:33,490 --> 00:10:38,170 guys to move forward in the things that you bring to me and 229 00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:41,440 for me when somebody tells me. I'm really scared to come out. 230 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,640 I'm thinking of telling my sister tonight, I'm thinking of 231 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,960 telling this friend, whatever. And then later in the evening 232 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,920 you update me and you tell me that you've done it and we 233 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:53,160 celebrate together. Like that is everything for me, 234 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,560 that that's what like, lights me up. 235 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,080 And so if you need somebody to support you, just know that I'm 236 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,320 genuinely, really in this community and I have all the 237 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,040 time for you. And sometimes it does take a 238 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,760 little bit of extra time for me to get back to everybody, but 239 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,680 I'm really serious about doing that. 240 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,910 So thank you for being here. All right. 241 00:11:09,950 --> 00:11:12,910 Let's get into today's episode because there's a lot to talk 242 00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:14,270 about. And I just know that this is 243 00:11:14,270 --> 00:11:17,710 going to be a really important one, especially if you are in 244 00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:19,990 this situation. I just want to speak to you. 245 00:11:19,990 --> 00:11:23,630 I want to speak to the person that I needed to hear from a few 246 00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:26,790 years ago, and I'm just so ready to do that, so. 247 00:11:27,510 --> 00:11:30,950 Let's get into it. First off, I want to acknowledge 248 00:11:30,950 --> 00:11:35,430 you for coming to this podcast episode because you are on the 249 00:11:35,430 --> 00:11:37,230 journey and that is really beautiful. 250 00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:39,990 You probably don't have it all figured out and neither do I. 251 00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:43,950 And that is really important to acknowledge mental health. 252 00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:48,430 Negative mental health effects on this community are higher 253 00:11:48,430 --> 00:11:52,270 than people who identify as straight and you're doing a 254 00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:54,990 really great job. You're. 255 00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:56,780 On it. You're in it. 256 00:11:56,820 --> 00:11:59,300 You're in it. And and that's really cool. 257 00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,780 And you're going to look back at this time and you're going to 258 00:12:02,780 --> 00:12:05,180 empathize with yourself. You're going to learn to 259 00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:09,540 appreciate this version of you. And maybe you're not quite in 260 00:12:09,540 --> 00:12:11,580 that space where you're, like, really confused. 261 00:12:11,580 --> 00:12:13,100 Maybe you're quite certain right now. 262 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,300 Maybe you're like, no, no, no. I'm bisexual. 263 00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:16,980 I'm pansexual. I'm queer. 264 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,020 I'm a lesbian. I am gay. 265 00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:21,060 I am trans. I am. 266 00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:24,630 Firm in my identity, but I just want to be more confident in it. 267 00:12:24,670 --> 00:12:27,430 And I just want to celebrate you no matter where you are on that 268 00:12:27,430 --> 00:12:29,350 journey. Because every stage is so 269 00:12:29,350 --> 00:12:33,390 important and every version of that journey is you. 270 00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:37,030 You are every version of that. And although you've overcome 271 00:12:37,030 --> 00:12:40,190 things, you still have this empathy for the past you, and 272 00:12:40,190 --> 00:12:43,270 you still have an appreciation for who you were. 273 00:12:43,510 --> 00:12:45,870 And if you look back I just this is just something. 274 00:12:45,870 --> 00:12:48,310 I feel like I should share with you if you look back and you see 275 00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,800 a part of you. That you're embarrassed by. 276 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:56,040 If you look back and you see a part of you that is cringy, like 277 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,240 you're like they didn't know who they were. 278 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,240 Oh, they were trying so hard to be fem or mask or this thing or 279 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,080 that thing. I just want you to give love 280 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,360 back to that person and remind yourself that you were doing 281 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:11,960 everything you could at that time with the knowledge and the 282 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,320 capacity and the support that you had at that time and that 283 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,680 version of you deserves just as much love. 284 00:13:18,150 --> 00:13:21,750 As the version of you that you are accessing and working 285 00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:24,830 through right now just felt like I should share that with you. 286 00:13:25,030 --> 00:13:27,630 OKI want to start out internally. 287 00:13:27,630 --> 00:13:30,270 I want to talk about the internal self. 288 00:13:30,270 --> 00:13:34,590 The part of you that maybe only ever makes it to paper, maybe 289 00:13:34,590 --> 00:13:38,470 only ever sits in your head. The part of you that is you 290 00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:41,710 becoming confident not just interpersonally with other 291 00:13:41,710 --> 00:13:47,070 people, but you deeply. You point #1 on this for me is. 292 00:13:47,370 --> 00:13:52,930 For you to identify the sex negative and homophobic 293 00:13:52,930 --> 00:13:56,530 potentially beliefs that you may have been taught. 294 00:13:56,810 --> 00:13:59,930 So much of what we carry on in life is simply what we were 295 00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:02,770 taught naturally, right? And we can be taught through our 296 00:14:02,770 --> 00:14:04,890 friends, our family, through media. 297 00:14:05,170 --> 00:14:08,690 There's so many other things. But what you need to first do is 298 00:14:08,690 --> 00:14:11,610 actually sit there and acknowledge What was I taught 299 00:14:11,610 --> 00:14:13,250 about sex? What was I taught about 300 00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:15,890 sexuality? What was I taught about gay 301 00:14:15,890 --> 00:14:18,850 people or lesbians or bisexual people? 302 00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:22,890 What are the preconceived notions that I have towards that 303 00:14:22,890 --> 00:14:25,250 group of people, even if I identify with it? 304 00:14:25,290 --> 00:14:29,090 Because what that sometimes looks like is internalized 305 00:14:29,090 --> 00:14:31,530 homophobia. And I want you to remember that 306 00:14:31,530 --> 00:14:35,290 if you resonate with any of these beliefs that you are not a 307 00:14:35,290 --> 00:14:38,770 bad person. So if maybe you are really into 308 00:14:38,770 --> 00:14:43,130 women and you are a woman, but you look at 2 gay men kissing or 309 00:14:43,130 --> 00:14:45,010 something like that and you think like who? 310 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:48,170 That makes me uncomfortable or whatever, remember that that was 311 00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:52,770 learned. You are not innately hateful. 312 00:14:53,050 --> 00:14:56,930 You are not innately homophobic, just like how you aren't 313 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,630 innately. Racist. 314 00:14:58,790 --> 00:15:01,470 These are systems that we have been taught. 315 00:15:01,790 --> 00:15:03,350 These are beliefs that we've been taught. 316 00:15:03,550 --> 00:15:07,310 These are fears that have been been put on us by the people 317 00:15:07,310 --> 00:15:09,470 that raised us. And again through media and so 318 00:15:09,470 --> 00:15:12,990 many other things, Especially if you were raised religiously, and 319 00:15:12,990 --> 00:15:17,150 the only reason I say this is because I was, then it's likely 320 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,070 that some of these things have been taught to you. 321 00:15:19,230 --> 00:15:23,030 And unfortunately, it is now your job to unlearn those 322 00:15:23,030 --> 00:15:26,970 things, and as unfair as it is. There's many people who have 323 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,850 other struggles that are also unfair. 324 00:15:29,170 --> 00:15:33,010 We need to be actively working towards unlearning these ways of 325 00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:36,330 thinking, and there's a lot of ways to do that, and we're going 326 00:15:36,330 --> 00:15:38,930 to get into the more practical side a little bit later. 327 00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:42,330 But what I want you to more think about right now is just 328 00:15:42,330 --> 00:15:45,810 identifying those moments where you were taught these things. 329 00:15:46,050 --> 00:15:48,610 And I've shared this story before on the podcast, but I 330 00:15:48,610 --> 00:15:50,690 feel like it's really important for me to share it right now as 331 00:15:50,690 --> 00:15:53,310 well. Growing up, I remember sitting 332 00:15:53,310 --> 00:15:57,150 downstairs with my family, we had this kind of like rec room 333 00:15:57,390 --> 00:16:00,710 and there was this little blue chair that my sister and I used 334 00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,670 to be obsessed with and we'd like, fight over it. 335 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,910 At the end of the day, we'd come home from school and we'd run 336 00:16:04,910 --> 00:16:07,910 and we try to see who can get to the blue chair 1st and like, it 337 00:16:07,910 --> 00:16:10,630 was like what we would do. So I was sat there one night 338 00:16:10,630 --> 00:16:14,390 with my whole family, like my mom, my dad, my sister and me 339 00:16:14,750 --> 00:16:16,670 sat there. I got in the blue chair because 340 00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:19,270 I'm a fucking winner and I'm sat there. 341 00:16:19,550 --> 00:16:23,580 We're watching Glee. And obviously, no shade to my 342 00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:25,380 mother. We've had conversations about 343 00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:27,940 this since. She's so supportive, so lovely. 344 00:16:28,060 --> 00:16:29,980 When I came out to her, she was amazing. 345 00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:31,900 I can tell you guys more about that later if you want. 346 00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:35,580 But, like, she's amazing. She's genuinely so, so amazing. 347 00:16:35,780 --> 00:16:38,340 And I tell her so much to the point that she's like, OK, don't 348 00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:41,020 tell me everything, OK? Like it's it's great. 349 00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:42,860 It's so fine. But at the time. 350 00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:46,060 Just because we were very much wrapped into the church, and she 351 00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:48,740 grew up so much more conservative than me, to the 352 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:51,780 point that she had to hide Whitney Houston tapes in her 353 00:16:51,780 --> 00:16:53,340 ceiling boards. Like she wasn't allowed to 354 00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:55,820 listen to music that wasn't Christian music and she was not 355 00:16:55,820 --> 00:16:58,820 to play with cards and like do all these things that were just 356 00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:03,180 seemingly evil, right? She as we were watching Glee, 357 00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:07,180 there's a moment where two boys were kissing and she just goes, 358 00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:08,980 Kids, cover your eyes, cover your eyes. 359 00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:12,099 And I remember in that moment part of me. 360 00:17:12,450 --> 00:17:16,410 At a very young age, knew that I was queer, at least to a certain 361 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:17,810 extent. Part of me knew that there was 362 00:17:17,810 --> 00:17:20,810 something there. And in that moment where she 363 00:17:20,810 --> 00:17:23,810 said cover your eyes, something's clicked in me and it 364 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:26,089 said all that is wrong, that is wrong. 365 00:17:26,290 --> 00:17:29,210 Two boys should not be kissing, 2 girls should not be kissing. 366 00:17:29,370 --> 00:17:34,490 These scenes that I find really exciting, I should be feeling 367 00:17:34,490 --> 00:17:40,730 shame about, and that taught me that homosexuality was wrong. 368 00:17:41,150 --> 00:17:43,790 And she never meant to do that. And again, this isn't anything 369 00:17:43,790 --> 00:17:45,630 against my mom. It's just to give you an example 370 00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:50,390 of like you have these moments where people confirm for you 371 00:17:50,630 --> 00:17:55,150 that something that you feel is wrong and it is shameful and you 372 00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:58,830 should feel shame about it. And it's really detrimental 373 00:17:59,070 --> 00:18:02,910 because in time you realize that those little moments actually 374 00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:06,260 add up. And then you're someone who's in 375 00:18:06,260 --> 00:18:09,260 your 20s, and you're free and you can do whatever you want. 376 00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:11,220 And maybe you don't live at home, or maybe you do, but you 377 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:12,860 have more, you know, personal life. 378 00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:16,580 And whatever your situation is, you feel like you're this adult 379 00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:19,260 person. But then that moment from when 380 00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:24,820 you were nine, or you were 12 or you were 15 genuinely haunts 381 00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:27,140 you. It sits with you and it tells 382 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:29,930 you that. You being in love with your best 383 00:18:29,930 --> 00:18:33,610 friend is wrong, or you wanting to go on a date with a girl is 384 00:18:33,610 --> 00:18:38,610 wrong, or you wanting to kiss a boy is wrong and it's hurtful 385 00:18:38,690 --> 00:18:41,650 and so it's really important that we actually sit here and 386 00:18:41,650 --> 00:18:44,890 this isn't to pull up. And to, like, make a big deal 387 00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:48,010 and to, like, dramatize things. I don't want you to dramatize 388 00:18:48,010 --> 00:18:49,170 things. I don't want you to make it 389 00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:52,730 worse than it was. But I want you to be honest with 390 00:18:52,730 --> 00:18:56,370 yourself about what those moments were growing up that 391 00:18:56,370 --> 00:19:00,940 told you. That homosexuality is wrong. 392 00:19:01,020 --> 00:19:05,180 That bisexuality is wrong. And really sit with that and ask 393 00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:08,580 yourself that question. Because if you can go back and 394 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,780 like what I was talking about earlier, if you can go back and 395 00:19:10,780 --> 00:19:14,700 you can speak to that person and say you don't have to cover your 396 00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,060 eyes. Or if you go back and you can 397 00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:20,740 say to that person, there was never anything wrong with that, 398 00:19:21,540 --> 00:19:24,980 that can be really powerful and that could be really healing. 399 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,120 Oh God, I feel like I'm gonna cry. 400 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:31,320 OK, moving forward. All right, I want you to workout 401 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:34,800 your own pace. There is no correct timeline. 402 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,320 There's no time that you're meant to have sex with somebody 403 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,640 by. There isn't a certain age, and 404 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:45,000 queer people often take a little bit longer to have sexual 405 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,800 experiences because it takes longer for you to figure out who 406 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,160 you're attracted to. That's completely normal. 407 00:19:51,550 --> 00:19:53,990 Often you hear people in the queer community talking about 408 00:19:53,990 --> 00:19:56,950 being a late bloomer and how some people are late bloomers. 409 00:19:57,150 --> 00:20:00,230 And it's really easy for someone who is a late bloomer. 410 00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:01,990 And, you know, late is a strong word. 411 00:20:01,990 --> 00:20:05,510 But who's a late bloomer to look at someone who comes out when 412 00:20:05,510 --> 00:20:08,390 they're 15? Or comes out, you know, to all 413 00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:10,830 their friends in high school on social media and it's this cool, 414 00:20:10,830 --> 00:20:13,150 fun thing and they bake a fucking cake and they write a 415 00:20:13,150 --> 00:20:15,150 goddamn song and it's this whole thing. 416 00:20:15,470 --> 00:20:17,750 And they. Look at that and they go, well, 417 00:20:17,790 --> 00:20:21,790 I'm kind of like too old now to make a big deal of it and I can 418 00:20:21,790 --> 00:20:25,630 feel really hurtful and invalidating. 419 00:20:25,790 --> 00:20:29,230 But I want you to know that being a late bloomer, at least 420 00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:31,950 from the experience that I've seen with a lot of people around 421 00:20:31,950 --> 00:20:34,550 me, is so much more common than you would think. 422 00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:36,550 I wouldn't say like one is more common than the other. 423 00:20:36,550 --> 00:20:39,990 I honestly don't really know. I've just seen it so, so 424 00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:42,230 commonly. A good friend of mine who I 425 00:20:42,230 --> 00:20:45,750 obviously won't name for the sake of their protection, but 426 00:20:45,990 --> 00:20:50,430 they have spoken to me on many different occasions about how 427 00:20:50,430 --> 00:20:54,030 they wish that they had had a sexual experience, and they are 428 00:20:54,310 --> 00:20:58,470 well into their 20s and they've never had a sexual experience at 429 00:20:58,470 --> 00:21:03,150 all whatsoever. They have really struggled to 430 00:21:03,150 --> 00:21:07,990 figure out how they identify who they're attracted to, if there's 431 00:21:07,990 --> 00:21:11,150 a difference between romantic and sexual attraction for. 432 00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:16,570 Them It's a struggle and it's okay to be in that boat, to not 433 00:21:16,690 --> 00:21:20,290 have had those experiences yet. No one is asking you to have 434 00:21:20,290 --> 00:21:22,690 those experiences. And I know that automatically 435 00:21:22,690 --> 00:21:24,770 you're going to think, oh, but what if I'm talking to someone 436 00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:27,490 about sex and they say, you know when this happens and I have to 437 00:21:27,490 --> 00:21:29,690 pretend and that's awkward and that makes me uncomfortable. 438 00:21:29,690 --> 00:21:33,170 I know, I'm not saying that that's not valid and that that's 439 00:21:33,170 --> 00:21:34,570 not real. That is real. 440 00:21:34,770 --> 00:21:39,770 But you don't have to let it penetrate you in the way that 441 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:43,100 you think it should. You don't have to let it affect 442 00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:44,700 you. I think it's so much more 443 00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:47,620 important for you to have a core belief that things are going to 444 00:21:47,620 --> 00:21:51,180 happen in my own time and I'm not in a rush. 445 00:21:51,420 --> 00:21:54,180 Your timing is your. Timing. 446 00:21:54,500 --> 00:22:00,980 And if you're like me, maybe you mostly dated, mostly saw men for 447 00:22:00,980 --> 00:22:05,020 a lot of your life, and then realized that you were queer 448 00:22:05,020 --> 00:22:07,940 while being in a relationship with a man. 449 00:22:08,180 --> 00:22:14,180 If you're like me, I want you to know how incredibly invalidated 450 00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:17,020 I felt when I wanted to come out. 451 00:22:17,020 --> 00:22:21,720 It was horrible. I was like, I'm so sure. 452 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,720 I'm so sure that I'm bisexual. I'm so sure that I am not 453 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,200 straight. I can feel it. 454 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,680 It's an intuitive thing. I know it, and I know that I'm 455 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:33,480 not lying. But how do I prove that to other 456 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,040 people? What are people gonna think? 457 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,240 Are they gonna think that I'm just wanting attention or 458 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,320 whatever the fuck people say about bisexual people? 459 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,680 Of course I genuinely felt that. But I want you to know that 460 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,760 that's the thing. As a bisexual now and someone 461 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:52,270 who's confident in it, I can tell you that when people act 462 00:22:52,270 --> 00:22:56,390 like my experiences aren't valid or whatever, I laugh like I 463 00:22:56,390 --> 00:22:58,190 think it's funny. I'm like, bro, have you ever 464 00:22:58,190 --> 00:22:59,830 fucking heard what bisexuality is? 465 00:22:59,830 --> 00:23:03,070 The point is that I could be attracted to my own gender or 466 00:23:03,070 --> 00:23:05,510 any other gender. That's the by, that's the two. 467 00:23:05,710 --> 00:23:09,230 That's the bisexuality. And unfortunately straight men 468 00:23:09,230 --> 00:23:12,110 fall into that category. Sorry, but that's just how it 469 00:23:12,110 --> 00:23:14,630 fucking is. Like, I'm really confident in it 470 00:23:14,630 --> 00:23:15,990 now so I can talk about it that way. 471 00:23:15,990 --> 00:23:18,650 Whereas at first, like, fuck, I was scared. 472 00:23:18,650 --> 00:23:22,290 Fuck, I was anxious for someone to ask me, oh, we'll have have 473 00:23:22,290 --> 00:23:23,610 you dated a woman? Have you done this? 474 00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:25,810 Have you done that? Because even if I could say yes 475 00:23:25,810 --> 00:23:30,850 to those things, the fact that they would then respond 476 00:23:30,850 --> 00:23:34,850 automatically with a statement that ultimately said, I don't 477 00:23:34,850 --> 00:23:36,770 believe you. That was hurtful. 478 00:23:37,090 --> 00:23:39,730 And what I want you to be able to do is get to a place where it 479 00:23:39,730 --> 00:23:43,530 doesn't feel hurtful, where you actually have the capacity to 480 00:23:43,530 --> 00:23:45,610 go. Hey, I understand that question, 481 00:23:45,610 --> 00:23:47,770 but I would love to educate you on this topic. 482 00:23:47,770 --> 00:23:50,090 And if they're a good fucking person, then they would actually 483 00:23:50,090 --> 00:23:52,410 listen and want to be a part of that journey with you. 484 00:23:52,450 --> 00:23:53,930 And if they're not, then whatever, They're fucking 485 00:23:53,930 --> 00:23:55,330 homophobic. Don't be friends with them, you 486 00:23:55,330 --> 00:23:58,890 know? But like okay #3, and this is a 487 00:23:58,890 --> 00:24:04,170 big one, remove the pressure you have on yourself to come out. 488 00:24:04,530 --> 00:24:09,890 You don't need to come out within any time frame to anyone. 489 00:24:09,890 --> 00:24:13,890 You don't owe it to anyone. A good friend of mine once told 490 00:24:13,890 --> 00:24:18,570 me that instead of viewing it as coming out, they view it as 491 00:24:18,570 --> 00:24:22,930 letting people in, and that completely changed my view of 492 00:24:23,010 --> 00:24:25,570 coming out. This isn't some secret that you 493 00:24:25,570 --> 00:24:28,050 hold within that needs to be released. 494 00:24:28,250 --> 00:24:31,570 This is a part of your life that is sacred to you and is 495 00:24:31,570 --> 00:24:34,810 important to you. And if you have a relationship 496 00:24:34,810 --> 00:24:37,410 in your life that is really important to you, someone that 497 00:24:37,410 --> 00:24:41,290 you trust where you really want to let them into that space, 498 00:24:41,670 --> 00:24:46,910 that is a fucking honor that they're allowed into that space 499 00:24:47,150 --> 00:24:49,270 when you start to create that switch. 500 00:24:49,350 --> 00:24:53,710 And I'm saying, seriously, sit here and feel that with me that 501 00:24:53,710 --> 00:24:57,350 it isn't some secret that you need to tell people, but that 502 00:24:57,350 --> 00:25:01,310 this is a part of you that is valuable, that is sacred, that 503 00:25:01,310 --> 00:25:05,950 is beautiful, that is special, that you're letting someone into 504 00:25:06,510 --> 00:25:10,150 how incredible that they would get to come into that with you. 505 00:25:10,610 --> 00:25:12,650 A part of your life that you've struggled with. 506 00:25:13,050 --> 00:25:15,370 A part of your life that you've been scared of, that you've 507 00:25:15,490 --> 00:25:19,170 maybe cried over, that has given you so many questions. 508 00:25:19,290 --> 00:25:22,050 The fact that you're looking at somebody in your life and you're 509 00:25:22,050 --> 00:25:26,090 going come in and let me tell you about this and be in this 510 00:25:26,090 --> 00:25:32,170 with me, that is an honor. You don't owe anybody this 511 00:25:32,170 --> 00:25:35,490 coming out. If anything, you're welcoming in 512 00:25:35,530 --> 00:25:38,170 and that's really beautiful and really exciting. 513 00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:41,940 And I will say, if you're not at a place at all to be ready to 514 00:25:41,940 --> 00:25:46,100 let someone in, and you're still in very early stages, I can tell 515 00:25:46,100 --> 00:25:49,140 you that when I first I was in the church at the time, to give 516 00:25:49,140 --> 00:25:50,860 you context, I was in the church. 517 00:25:52,020 --> 00:25:56,500 My role in the Church of like being a worship leader, leading 518 00:25:56,500 --> 00:25:59,420 different teams, doing the things that I was doing, relied 519 00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:01,860 on my straightness. Because if I wasn't straight, I 520 00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:03,700 wouldn't be allowed to hold those roles. 521 00:26:04,140 --> 00:26:06,860 When I sat down one day and I was really, seriously thinking 522 00:26:06,860 --> 00:26:10,340 about my sexuality, being really honest with myself, I wrote down 523 00:26:10,340 --> 00:26:12,140 in my journal for the first time. 524 00:26:12,500 --> 00:26:16,500 I am bisexual and I. I cried. 525 00:26:16,780 --> 00:26:20,180 I cried and cried and cried. And I only really thought about 526 00:26:20,180 --> 00:26:23,660 this recently because I had somebody ask me, why do you say 527 00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:25,580 that you're bisexual? Why don't you say that you're 528 00:26:25,580 --> 00:26:27,740 queer? Sometimes people see the word 529 00:26:27,740 --> 00:26:31,260 bisexual and they think you're only acknowledging 2 genders. 530 00:26:31,420 --> 00:26:34,540 And that's actually potentially against the trans community. 531 00:26:34,540 --> 00:26:38,660 And they they opened up to me about that and it was a good 532 00:26:38,660 --> 00:26:40,460 conversation. I was thankful that they said 533 00:26:40,460 --> 00:26:43,260 what they said. I was happy to educate them on 534 00:26:43,260 --> 00:26:48,120 the true meaning of bisexual actual dictionary definition of 535 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:51,800 being attracted to your own gender and any other gender and 536 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,840 how that's the two and that's the split when it comes to the 537 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,680 prefix by. And I was happy to have that 538 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,040 conversation. But it only really made me sit 539 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,200 there and think, wow, why do I use the term bisexual? 540 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,520 And it's because it feels like home to me. 541 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:10,880 It's because when I wrote it down, I felt that emotional 542 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,440 release of, wow, this is truly who I am. 543 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,600 And fuck, that was hard to admit. 544 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:19,720 Not because it's bad, but because it affected my life. 545 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,600 Because it meant that I could lose people, because it meant 546 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:27,000 that I could lose positions, my future job. 547 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,240 I wanted to work in the church. Like I grew up religious guys. 548 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:31,760 I'm telling you, I was religious. 549 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:34,320 Religious okay. So I thought maybe I would be 550 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,160 like a creative pastor or something cool like that. 551 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,080 And that's what I thought I was working towards at the time. 552 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:44,310 I was going to a school in Australia that my visa was 553 00:27:44,310 --> 00:27:47,670 connected to. If I came out as bisexual, I 554 00:27:47,670 --> 00:27:49,790 would be kicked out of the school and I would be kicked out 555 00:27:49,790 --> 00:27:52,190 of the country. Okay. 556 00:27:52,190 --> 00:27:57,150 That's why I was fucking crying. It wasn't easy, but it made me 557 00:27:57,150 --> 00:28:02,230 realize that it was true and that it wasn't going to change, 558 00:28:02,790 --> 00:28:06,530 at least not for now. The reason I say that is because 559 00:28:06,530 --> 00:28:08,650 your sexuality can absolutely change throughout your life. 560 00:28:08,650 --> 00:28:11,890 That's why I say that I'm very firm in the term bisexual at the 561 00:28:11,890 --> 00:28:14,370 moment. But yeah, it absolutely can 562 00:28:14,370 --> 00:28:16,570 change, and I just would never want to close that door for 563 00:28:16,570 --> 00:28:19,690 myself fully. But all right, #4 if you want to 564 00:28:19,690 --> 00:28:22,610 get more comfortable in your sexuality is to talk about it 565 00:28:22,610 --> 00:28:26,570 with people that you trust. When it is all in your head and 566 00:28:26,770 --> 00:28:29,690 it feels like it's in your head, it's stressful. 567 00:28:29,690 --> 00:28:33,010 But when you can talk about it with someone that you know. 568 00:28:33,420 --> 00:28:36,700 Is going to support you. It can really give you the space 569 00:28:36,700 --> 00:28:42,060 to feel like it's OK that I am this way, and I know it seems so 570 00:28:42,060 --> 00:28:44,500 simple, but it is actually so, so, so important. 571 00:28:44,540 --> 00:28:47,020 When you're able to get out of your head, you're able to be 572 00:28:47,020 --> 00:28:49,860 more rational about the situation as a whole. 573 00:28:50,100 --> 00:28:54,580 But what I want you to do is to be OK with people having 574 00:28:54,580 --> 00:28:58,190 different reactions. Like some people might not act 575 00:28:58,190 --> 00:29:01,430 like it's a big deal, and for you it's a big fucking deal. 576 00:29:01,430 --> 00:29:05,790 Like for you, you struggled with it for ages and you were 577 00:29:05,790 --> 00:29:09,270 confused and you were scared and you felt like you were doing a. 578 00:29:09,270 --> 00:29:11,590 Bad thing. And you felt gross and you felt 579 00:29:11,590 --> 00:29:14,710 terrible, like you might have a horrible experience of this and 580 00:29:14,710 --> 00:29:17,310 then for someone to just be like, wow, I just like, I love 581 00:29:17,310 --> 00:29:19,430 that for you. Like slay, you're gay. 582 00:29:19,470 --> 00:29:21,630 Like you might be like, what the fuck do you mean? 583 00:29:21,630 --> 00:29:24,750 Like what? This is a big deal. 584 00:29:24,790 --> 00:29:26,350 And if it's a big deal for you, that's OK. 585 00:29:26,430 --> 00:29:30,310 Hey, but what I would recommend for you then is to have a 586 00:29:30,310 --> 00:29:34,230 conversation where you are showing through your language, 587 00:29:34,230 --> 00:29:37,430 your body language, your communication that it is a big 588 00:29:37,430 --> 00:29:39,870 deal. Don't be like me because what I 589 00:29:39,870 --> 00:29:43,270 did when I first came out to my partner, his name is Sam. 590 00:29:43,790 --> 00:29:45,390 I was telling him that I was bisexual. 591 00:29:45,470 --> 00:29:48,390 He comes home from work one day and I was listening to this 592 00:29:48,390 --> 00:29:51,670 YouTube video that is literally titled Am I By? 593 00:29:52,070 --> 00:29:54,590 And I was watching it, and I was going. 594 00:29:55,450 --> 00:29:57,690 So just how was your day? Yeah, your day's good. 595 00:29:57,730 --> 00:29:59,610 Amazing. I've been watching this video 596 00:30:01,130 --> 00:30:05,410 and he goes, cool, cool. And I go, Yep, just this video, 597 00:30:05,810 --> 00:30:09,130 the one on the screen. And he was like, OK, that's 598 00:30:09,130 --> 00:30:11,050 awesome money. And I was like, look, just this 599 00:30:11,050 --> 00:30:13,250 is the video. And he goes, oh, oh, that's 600 00:30:13,250 --> 00:30:15,690 interesting. Why, like, why are you watching 601 00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,810 that? I went, oh, just watching it 602 00:30:17,810 --> 00:30:19,250 because I think I might be bisexual. 603 00:30:19,450 --> 00:30:20,770 Maybe I'm bisexual. I don't know. 604 00:30:21,010 --> 00:30:22,130 And he went, you're not bisexual. 605 00:30:22,130 --> 00:30:23,250 What are you talking about? And I was like. 606 00:30:24,220 --> 00:30:25,380 What do you mean I'm not bisexual? 607 00:30:25,420 --> 00:30:27,220 We. How dare you? 608 00:30:27,500 --> 00:30:31,940 How dare you invalidate my experience and realized very 609 00:30:31,940 --> 00:30:36,420 quickly that I did not approach that well because I didn't tell 610 00:30:36,420 --> 00:30:39,220 him that I was being serious. I didn't tell him that I was 611 00:30:39,220 --> 00:30:41,260 trying to have a good conversation. 612 00:30:41,260 --> 00:30:43,820 I didn't communicate well. I basically. 613 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,160 Just brought up something very nonchalantly, hoping that he 614 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,400 would have some big reaction to it and that wasn't fair to him. 615 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:54,840 So I will say within a few days I told him, hey, just so you 616 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:56,960 know, the other day when I told you that I was bisexual, I was 617 00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,240 actually serious and like, it's been a really big deal for me. 618 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,000 And then he went, oh, I'm so sorry. 619 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:03,520 I'm so fucking sorry. And I really wish that we were 620 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:04,840 able to have a proper conversation. 621 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,600 Let's have it now. And we had a really great 622 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,360 conversation about it and it was literally like. 623 00:31:09,950 --> 00:31:11,830 You know, what does that mean for our relationship now? 624 00:31:11,830 --> 00:31:14,030 We don't know. Let's work on that together. 625 00:31:14,030 --> 00:31:16,190 Let's grow together. Let's experience things 626 00:31:16,190 --> 00:31:19,750 together. And it was really cool, but I 627 00:31:19,910 --> 00:31:21,990 probably, probably, probably could have approached that 628 00:31:21,990 --> 00:31:24,430 better, so I would. Recommend that if you want to 629 00:31:24,430 --> 00:31:26,910 have a serious conversation, then maybe be more serious about 630 00:31:26,910 --> 00:31:27,990 it. And if you want to be chill 631 00:31:27,990 --> 00:31:30,230 about it and you're just someone who's like you just want someone 632 00:31:30,230 --> 00:31:33,110 to say that's cool man, love that for you, then do that. 633 00:31:33,750 --> 00:31:36,270 But just just be aware that people are only. 634 00:31:36,890 --> 00:31:40,010 Working with the capacity that they have, the knowledge that 635 00:31:40,010 --> 00:31:43,490 they have, and the experience that they have, and they're 636 00:31:43,490 --> 00:31:46,970 likely not trying to hurt you or make you feel bad. 637 00:31:46,970 --> 00:31:50,530 They're likely just trying to do what they think is best and it 638 00:31:50,530 --> 00:31:53,930 can be awkward for them and they're just trying to support 639 00:31:53,930 --> 00:31:58,370 you and not make you feel weird. So try to have grace for people 640 00:31:58,370 --> 00:32:00,410 as they receive that information as well. 641 00:32:00,770 --> 00:32:02,730 We're going to take a short break to talk about the sponsor 642 00:32:02,730 --> 00:32:06,950 of today's episode, beducated. Educated is an online platform 643 00:32:06,950 --> 00:32:10,750 with over 100 courses about sex and sexuality, helping you to 644 00:32:10,750 --> 00:32:13,110 become a better communicator, helping you to feel more 645 00:32:13,110 --> 00:32:16,230 confident in your sexual self, and teaching you how to do the 646 00:32:16,230 --> 00:32:18,790 things that you want to be able to do in the bedroom. 647 00:32:18,830 --> 00:32:21,590 But Google just isn't quite hitting the mark. 648 00:32:21,590 --> 00:32:25,310 You know, I remember being in high school and Googling certain 649 00:32:25,310 --> 00:32:29,390 things, trying to figure out how to do certain things in bed with 650 00:32:29,390 --> 00:32:33,750 guys, and then later in my life realized that I also like women. 651 00:32:33,910 --> 00:32:36,310 So then I had even. More that I needed to learn and 652 00:32:36,310 --> 00:32:38,230 figure out. It's hard to know who to talk to 653 00:32:38,230 --> 00:32:40,430 about these things. And even if we are talking to 654 00:32:40,430 --> 00:32:42,550 our friends about it, which we totally should. 655 00:32:42,670 --> 00:32:45,790 But even if we are, we don't know how accurate that 656 00:32:45,790 --> 00:32:49,030 information is going to be. Whereas with educated these are 657 00:32:49,030 --> 00:32:52,310 sex experts, these are people who are professionals in the 658 00:32:52,310 --> 00:32:56,670 industry who can give you really clear and accurate information 659 00:32:56,670 --> 00:32:59,030 about sex. You can learn everything from 660 00:32:59,070 --> 00:33:01,550 learning how to please somebody with a penis, learning how to 661 00:33:01,550 --> 00:33:04,790 please somebody with a vulva. Things like squirting. 662 00:33:05,030 --> 00:33:09,350 Different positions and things that are just hard to learn 663 00:33:09,350 --> 00:33:12,230 about on any other platform. As we know mainstream porn is 664 00:33:12,230 --> 00:33:15,830 not a good representation of sex and this helps to give you 665 00:33:15,910 --> 00:33:19,230 actual information that's gonna genuinely help your sexual 666 00:33:19,230 --> 00:33:21,150 relationships. If you want to tribe educated 667 00:33:21,150 --> 00:33:23,710 completely for free you won't get charged for 24 hours. 668 00:33:23,830 --> 00:33:27,230 You can go try it right now and you can cancel it at anytime. 669 00:33:27,230 --> 00:33:29,590 And if you want to subscribe, then of course you can use my 670 00:33:29,590 --> 00:33:33,390 code Alyssa or you can use the link in the podcast description 671 00:33:33,390 --> 00:33:35,670 to get 40% off of. Your subscription. 672 00:33:35,750 --> 00:33:39,150 On top of that, they also have a 14 day money back guarantee, so 673 00:33:39,150 --> 00:33:41,190 if you don't really end up using the platform for whatever 674 00:33:41,190 --> 00:33:42,950 reason, you can get your money back. 675 00:33:43,110 --> 00:33:46,470 The actual subscription itself is only $10 a month and it means 676 00:33:46,470 --> 00:33:49,710 that you're investing in your love life, which is so cool. 677 00:33:49,790 --> 00:33:51,550 You can use this platform on your own. 678 00:33:51,550 --> 00:33:53,910 You can watch these videos with a partner to help you explore a 679 00:33:53,910 --> 00:33:56,350 little bit more together. It's genuinely just like one of 680 00:33:56,350 --> 00:34:00,190 those platforms that I came across and I have used so much 681 00:34:00,230 --> 00:34:03,310 ever since and I'm so happy that I have this now. 682 00:34:03,510 --> 00:34:06,750 God, I wish I had it when I was. Younger, but I'm really happy to 683 00:34:06,750 --> 00:34:09,630 have it now and I so, so recommend it for you guys. 684 00:34:09,710 --> 00:34:11,550 Like in this episode, we're talking about becoming more 685 00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:14,710 confident in your sexuality. But we also talk a lot like we 686 00:34:14,710 --> 00:34:17,150 did in the last episode about becoming more confident in your 687 00:34:17,150 --> 00:34:19,230 sexual self. And educated is a really great 688 00:34:19,230 --> 00:34:22,270 way to put you on that path. Again, you can try it for free, 689 00:34:22,270 --> 00:34:25,389 and if you want to subscribe, you can use my code Alyssa for 690 00:34:25,389 --> 00:34:27,550 40% off. You can also go to the episode 691 00:34:27,550 --> 00:34:28,989 description and you can click the link. 692 00:34:29,190 --> 00:34:30,870 Let's get back to the episode. All right. 693 00:34:30,870 --> 00:34:33,429 It is time to talk about practically, what can you 694 00:34:33,469 --> 00:34:36,429 actually do to be more? Confident in your sexuality. 695 00:34:36,429 --> 00:34:40,350 This is like the things that I want you to do today, this week, 696 00:34:40,350 --> 00:34:42,310 this month. Like we're talking let's get 697 00:34:42,310 --> 00:34:43,909 fucking for real here. OK? 698 00:34:44,070 --> 00:34:47,909 So number one, I want you to learn about it. 699 00:34:47,989 --> 00:34:50,429 If you want to become more confident in your sexuality, you 700 00:34:50,429 --> 00:34:53,710 need to learn about sexuality. You need to learn about the 701 00:34:53,750 --> 00:34:57,410 LGBTQI A+ community. There is such a comfort in 702 00:34:57,410 --> 00:34:59,370 hearing other people's experiences. 703 00:34:59,370 --> 00:35:02,770 Like when I was realizing that I was bisexual, I read a book 704 00:35:02,770 --> 00:35:07,570 called Greedy by Jen Winston where she talks about her life, 705 00:35:07,570 --> 00:35:10,410 realizing, oh wow, I had this relationship with this guy. 706 00:35:10,610 --> 00:35:12,730 And then there was this girl that I kind of fell in love 707 00:35:12,730 --> 00:35:15,050 with, but I didn't think that I was loved because why would it 708 00:35:15,050 --> 00:35:16,250 be loved? Because I'm straight. 709 00:35:16,450 --> 00:35:18,690 And then there was another guy, and then there was another girl. 710 00:35:18,690 --> 00:35:21,250 And then I realized, wait, this girl I actually like? 711 00:35:21,250 --> 00:35:25,140 I We kiss each other sometimes and I would have sex with her. 712 00:35:25,140 --> 00:35:28,660 And what does that mean for me? And that experience of watching 713 00:35:28,660 --> 00:35:32,500 someone else experience it is so valuable and so helpful and 714 00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:36,900 something that I can only now say retrospectively was really 715 00:35:36,900 --> 00:35:40,780 key to me realizing not only. That I was bisexual but becoming 716 00:35:40,780 --> 00:35:44,820 confident in my bisexuality. For you, this might be reading a 717 00:35:44,820 --> 00:35:47,380 book, but this also might be watching a tick tock. 718 00:35:47,380 --> 00:35:50,860 This might be following a queer creator on Instagram. 719 00:35:50,980 --> 00:35:54,180 Whatever it looks like for. You as long as it tailors to 720 00:35:54,180 --> 00:35:56,780 you. It's just important that you are 721 00:35:56,780 --> 00:36:01,580 consuming media by people who identify in a similar way that 722 00:36:01,580 --> 00:36:05,420 you identify because it helps you to make sense of the world 723 00:36:05,420 --> 00:36:08,900 that is living in your head. Knowledge is power, and when you 724 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:13,300 feel like you have knowledge under your belt about the thing 725 00:36:13,300 --> 00:36:16,460 that you identify with, it helps you to feel more confident in 726 00:36:16,460 --> 00:36:18,700 it. For example, I had a few friends 727 00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:21,560 the other day won't name any fucking names, these 728 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:25,240 motherfuckers joking about bisexuality. 729 00:36:25,240 --> 00:36:26,600 And they were like, isn't that so funny? 730 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:30,720 Because like the B in L GB TQIA literally means bisexuality and 731 00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:33,800 by means two. So within the actual acronym it 732 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,520 actually says that there's only two genders. 733 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:38,800 Isn't that so fucked up? Go be friends with straight men, 734 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,000 OK? All I'm going to say is don't be 735 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,040 fucking friends with straight men. 736 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:45,200 And I went, hi, I would love to educate you on that. 737 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:49,000 And very quickly I was able to say the dictionary definition of 738 00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:53,200 bisexuality is actually being attracted to your own gender and 739 00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:56,040 any other gender. And that's the split between 740 00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:59,240 2:00 and that's where the prefix by comes from. 741 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:02,120 And very quickly they were like, oh. 742 00:37:03,460 --> 00:37:06,100 Oh okay, we didn't know that. And I was like, yeah, because 743 00:37:06,100 --> 00:37:08,100 you don't fucking read any books you fucking. 744 00:37:08,780 --> 00:37:11,900 Anyways, not a big deal. Totally not upset at them. 745 00:37:12,060 --> 00:37:15,370 The point is, is that. When you have the knowledge, 746 00:37:15,530 --> 00:37:18,010 when you've actively tried to learn about these things, you 747 00:37:18,010 --> 00:37:20,930 feel more confident sharing those things because you know 748 00:37:20,930 --> 00:37:22,850 that you're right. Like you know you have this 749 00:37:22,850 --> 00:37:24,330 knowledge. And so then when people, when 750 00:37:24,330 --> 00:37:27,330 things come up, when issues come up, when conversations come up, 751 00:37:27,490 --> 00:37:29,530 you feel more confident speaking on it. 752 00:37:29,530 --> 00:37:33,050 And that makes you ultimately feel more confident in your own 753 00:37:33,050 --> 00:37:36,290 identity #2. To feel more confident in your 754 00:37:36,290 --> 00:37:40,050 sexuality, you should try to connect with people who identify 755 00:37:40,050 --> 00:37:43,370 similarly to you. By connect, I mean to actually 756 00:37:43,370 --> 00:37:46,650 meet these people, and it can totally be online, but I would 757 00:37:46,650 --> 00:37:49,250 really recommend having these friendships in person. 758 00:37:49,610 --> 00:37:53,210 There's a lot more going on than you would think when it comes to 759 00:37:53,490 --> 00:37:58,450 queer communities in your area. This could be LGBTQ I a positive 760 00:37:58,450 --> 00:38:04,090 spaces like libraries and clubs and cafes. 761 00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:07,890 And so many other things. It doesn't have to be going out 762 00:38:07,890 --> 00:38:10,250 and drinking and clubbing and fucking whatever else. 763 00:38:10,250 --> 00:38:14,770 It can also be just very normal spaces and what I want you to do 764 00:38:14,770 --> 00:38:19,330 going into these spaces is to try not to over sexualize them. 765 00:38:19,570 --> 00:38:22,650 It's really easy when you're first coming out to feel like 766 00:38:22,650 --> 00:38:25,210 you're a little baby in it and you don't know anything. 767 00:38:25,370 --> 00:38:28,970 And all of these queer people are super fucking gay and super 768 00:38:28,970 --> 00:38:31,450 sexual. And to like, over sexualize 769 00:38:31,450 --> 00:38:34,690 these people, even though you're a part of it, you kind of feel 770 00:38:34,690 --> 00:38:37,810 like someone's gonna try to hit on me or like I'm gonna try to 771 00:38:37,810 --> 00:38:39,330 go home with some like, girl tonight. 772 00:38:39,330 --> 00:38:41,050 That's gonna be crazy like it like. 773 00:38:41,290 --> 00:38:44,210 You over sexualize it, and what I want you to do is try to step 774 00:38:44,250 --> 00:38:47,450 out of that mentality and to recognize that there is going to 775 00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:51,650 be, at least I can guarantee you, at least one person in the 776 00:38:51,650 --> 00:38:55,490 room that is more comfortable in their sexuality and one person 777 00:38:55,490 --> 00:38:57,770 that is less comfortable in their sexuality. 778 00:38:57,930 --> 00:39:01,610 You're never going to be on either ends of the scale, and 779 00:39:01,610 --> 00:39:03,770 that's totally fine, queer people. 780 00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:07,200 Are you? You're just like queer people. 781 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,080 You are queer people. And I remember I had a 782 00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:12,360 realization one day when somebody reached out to me on 783 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:15,280 Instagram and they were like, Oh my God, like, I would love to go 784 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:17,560 on a date with you. I'm just, I'm so intimidated. 785 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,720 You just seem so confident. And like, I haven't had many 786 00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:23,600 queer experiences. And I went, I'm the gay people. 787 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:28,560 I'm the gay people that people think are scary. 788 00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:32,640 I'm the gay one. It was just crazy because I 789 00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:35,920 realized that we all have that. We all kind of have this 790 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:40,360 misinterpretation of what queer people are, even though we are 791 00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:41,800 it. It's crazy. 792 00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:45,720 Anyways, try to follow as many queer creators as you can, 793 00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:49,440 whether that's like YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, whatever 794 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:53,200 makes sense for you. Actively try to be a part of 795 00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:56,320 that kind of like language in those communities because it 796 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:59,040 will help you to feel like you are more invested in the 797 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:01,000 community. Read the books. 798 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:04,480 And try to actively connect with people that identify similarly 799 00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:07,840 to you, so that you have people to talk to these issues about. 800 00:40:08,180 --> 00:40:12,620 #3 is to connect with other queer people who don't identify 801 00:40:12,620 --> 00:40:15,500 how you identify. And this is really important for 802 00:40:15,500 --> 00:40:19,740 you to feel involved in the queer community just in general, 803 00:40:19,940 --> 00:40:22,660 and it's going to help you to explore different identities 804 00:40:22,660 --> 00:40:25,140 that you might not really know a lot about. 805 00:40:25,140 --> 00:40:28,860 Like you might really not know somebody who's pansexual. 806 00:40:28,860 --> 00:40:30,980 You might not know somebody who is trans. 807 00:40:30,980 --> 00:40:34,260 You might not know somebody who's a lesbian and like for you 808 00:40:34,260 --> 00:40:36,820 to explore. Meeting people within the queer 809 00:40:36,820 --> 00:40:40,100 community who don't identify similarly to you, it actually 810 00:40:40,100 --> 00:40:43,260 gives you the opportunity for yourself to explore. 811 00:40:43,340 --> 00:40:45,580 Oh, do I potentially identify with that? 812 00:40:45,580 --> 00:40:49,100 But also, wow, it's important for me to know what other queer 813 00:40:49,100 --> 00:40:52,640 experiences look like. For example, years ago I didn't 814 00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:55,760 know anybody who is non binary. I didn't know anybody who is 815 00:40:55,760 --> 00:40:57,120 trans. Now I do. 816 00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:59,680 Now I have those people in my community, but I didn't. 817 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:03,480 And so I didn't understand it. And so I knew about how it felt 818 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,760 to like women and to be scared of that, but I didn't know what 819 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:12,220 it was like to have gender euphoria and to struggle with 820 00:41:12,220 --> 00:41:16,140 issues that were outside of me. But we're very much embedded in 821 00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:18,740 my community. This is only going to make you a 822 00:41:18,740 --> 00:41:22,220 better person within your community, and it's only going 823 00:41:22,220 --> 00:41:26,780 to help you to empathize and be connected to more people. 824 00:41:27,060 --> 00:41:30,620 It is so fun to be around someone who really identifies 825 00:41:30,620 --> 00:41:32,580 with you. Like one of my best friends is 826 00:41:32,580 --> 00:41:34,620 queer. I would say bisexual. 827 00:41:34,660 --> 00:41:36,380 I say bisexual. She says queer. 828 00:41:36,620 --> 00:41:40,630 But we are so similar in how we have kind of outworked that and 829 00:41:40,630 --> 00:41:42,670 what that looks like for us. And it is fun. 830 00:41:42,670 --> 00:41:44,550 Like we just, it just feels like they get it. 831 00:41:44,550 --> 00:41:47,710 It's like another reason why I love having bisexual men in my 832 00:41:47,710 --> 00:41:51,630 life because I feel like they just get it and it feels fun. 833 00:41:51,630 --> 00:41:56,150 And like I can joke with them about being attracted to a man 834 00:41:56,150 --> 00:41:58,670 or a woman or whoever, and it just feels good. 835 00:41:58,670 --> 00:42:01,830 Like it's just it's nice, like it feels home, it feels safe. 836 00:42:01,830 --> 00:42:05,150 It's like your chosen family. And externally to that as well, 837 00:42:05,150 --> 00:42:08,310 not even externally, I guess in like inclusive of that. 838 00:42:08,310 --> 00:42:12,230 There's also people that I don't identify with, like I wouldn't 839 00:42:12,230 --> 00:42:16,910 say that I identify obviously with being say trans or being 840 00:42:17,350 --> 00:42:21,430 gay or lesbian, but for me to have those people in my life, I 841 00:42:21,430 --> 00:42:24,550 learned from them and you have so much more in common with 842 00:42:24,550 --> 00:42:26,310 those people than you would think. 843 00:42:26,430 --> 00:42:28,550 You have similar stories of struggling through your 844 00:42:28,550 --> 00:42:30,430 sexuality. You have similar stories of 845 00:42:30,860 --> 00:42:32,740 having questions that were unanswered. 846 00:42:32,940 --> 00:42:35,700 You have internalized homophobia and all of these things that you 847 00:42:35,700 --> 00:42:38,700 don't realize are so similar. And it's so valuable to talk 848 00:42:38,700 --> 00:42:40,860 about that with people who've experienced that in different 849 00:42:40,860 --> 00:42:43,780 ways. And last but not least, to feel 850 00:42:43,780 --> 00:42:47,060 more confident in your sexuality, you need to explore 851 00:42:47,060 --> 00:42:50,260 different relationships, and automatically your brain is 852 00:42:50,260 --> 00:42:52,780 probably going to oh, I need to have sex. 853 00:42:52,780 --> 00:42:54,540 I need to. It's about sex. 854 00:42:54,780 --> 00:42:57,300 It's not about sex. It's not about sex. 855 00:42:57,300 --> 00:43:04,560 It's about romance and relationships and attraction and 856 00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:10,000 flirting and kissing and enjoying people's company and 857 00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:14,080 realizing what you like. And absolutely, it can be about 858 00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:18,400 sex, But the queer community is not about sex. 859 00:43:18,820 --> 00:43:21,340 And if you're someone who is figuring out your sexuality, 860 00:43:21,340 --> 00:43:23,900 it's really easy to oversexualize the queer 861 00:43:23,900 --> 00:43:26,260 community because that's what you've been taught about the 862 00:43:26,260 --> 00:43:29,060 queer community, especially as a straight person. 863 00:43:29,260 --> 00:43:31,700 But now that you're realizing that you're actually a part of 864 00:43:31,700 --> 00:43:36,020 this community, it's like, okay, let's be real, let's be honest 865 00:43:36,020 --> 00:43:38,220 about what people are actually like, what relationships 866 00:43:38,220 --> 00:43:40,900 actually look like. And it's not always about sex. 867 00:43:41,100 --> 00:43:44,740 For example, I have a friend who identifies as heterosexual and 868 00:43:44,740 --> 00:43:48,800 homo romantic. So she typically is more 869 00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:52,320 romantically attracted to women and more sexually attracted to 870 00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:54,000 men. Of course, we've had the 871 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:57,280 conversation of what would it look like if you then had an 872 00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,360 experience with a woman? Do you think that maybe you 873 00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:00,840 could be sexually attracted to her? 874 00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:04,360 Do you think that that could turn eventually into you 875 00:44:04,360 --> 00:44:08,280 identifying as lesbian? And she's always said maybe, you 876 00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:11,000 know, maybe. But right now this is what I 877 00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:14,080 feel, and that's what is so fucking cool about. 878 00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:17,960 Sexuality is like it can change in time, You can become more 879 00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:21,040 confident in different areas, and you can realize certain 880 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,640 things as time goes on. But if you guys have never heard 881 00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:26,520 of this, then I would recommend you Googling something called 882 00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:30,240 the Kinsey Scale, which is pretty basic, but it just tells 883 00:44:30,240 --> 00:44:33,000 you about how you can be romantically attracted to 884 00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:36,400 someone versus sexually attracted to someone and how 885 00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:38,560 there is actually a difference in that. 886 00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:42,400 And those things don't always align for people as you go 887 00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:44,560 through this. As much as you're trying to make 888 00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:49,360 sense of who you are, I want you to try not to box yourself and 889 00:44:49,360 --> 00:44:52,960 to try not to box a specific type that you might have. 890 00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:57,520 It's really easy when you first come out to want to be thin, or 891 00:44:57,520 --> 00:45:01,120 to want to be masked, or to want to be a certain type of person 892 00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:04,490 so that you can make sense of yourself in your head, or to 893 00:45:04,490 --> 00:45:07,090 also make sense of who you might be attracted to. 894 00:45:07,090 --> 00:45:09,690 I'm attracted to femmes, I'm attracted to girls with brown 895 00:45:09,690 --> 00:45:13,690 hair, I'm attracted to blondes, I'm attracted to more masculine 896 00:45:13,690 --> 00:45:17,010 energy, Whatever that looks like for you, that can be valuable 897 00:45:17,010 --> 00:45:18,970 information for you. And you might start to see a bit 898 00:45:18,970 --> 00:45:20,850 of a trend, and that's totally normal. 899 00:45:21,170 --> 00:45:25,050 But I wouldn't hold yourself to it or hold the people that 900 00:45:25,050 --> 00:45:29,410 you're attracted to to it, because it often changes in time 901 00:45:29,410 --> 00:45:32,160 anyways. And it doesn't really matter, at 902 00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:33,640 least for me. I've always said that I'm very 903 00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:35,120 attracted to people's like energies. 904 00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:38,000 Like if I just get on with someone, I get on with someone 905 00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:40,280 and that's it. If I feel that attraction to 906 00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:41,840 someone, I feel attracted to them. 907 00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:45,000 And that's just, it doesn't matter who you are, what you 908 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:48,200 look like or what your type is or how tall you are or anything. 909 00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:52,480 Like, I just, I love finding that connection with somebody, 910 00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:54,400 and that is what is valuable to me. 911 00:45:55,070 --> 00:45:56,710 You need to put yourself out there. 912 00:45:56,710 --> 00:45:58,550 Like, what is the worst that could happen? 913 00:45:58,550 --> 00:46:00,430 I'll tell you another story really quickly. 914 00:46:00,750 --> 00:46:07,150 I went on a date with a girl a while back and had the best 915 00:46:07,150 --> 00:46:08,430 time. And it was a date. 916 00:46:08,430 --> 00:46:11,590 Like, we went for a coffee to begin and that was just like, 917 00:46:11,590 --> 00:46:13,070 chill. And then the next time we hung 918 00:46:13,070 --> 00:46:14,790 out, it was like, this is a date, you know? 919 00:46:14,990 --> 00:46:17,030 So we went on a date and it was like super nice. 920 00:46:17,030 --> 00:46:19,430 We, like, had dinner. We got a bottle of wine. 921 00:46:19,430 --> 00:46:21,190 It was it was a fucking. It was a date, OK. 922 00:46:21,470 --> 00:46:25,330 I walked her home gate because I'm a gentleman. 923 00:46:25,330 --> 00:46:26,050 You're welcome. Hello. 924 00:46:27,090 --> 00:46:30,930 And then we kissed twice, thrice. 925 00:46:31,370 --> 00:46:33,250 We kissed. And then it was a whole thing. 926 00:46:33,490 --> 00:46:36,210 And it was kind of like this thing where she was like, do you 927 00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:39,110 want to come upstairs? And I was like, like, no, 928 00:46:39,110 --> 00:46:40,670 because I was scared. I was scared. 929 00:46:40,670 --> 00:46:41,630 Shut up. Don't make fun of me. 930 00:46:41,830 --> 00:46:44,310 OKI was scared. But I also was just like, I 931 00:46:44,310 --> 00:46:46,870 don't know if I'm like, if I want that right now. 932 00:46:46,870 --> 00:46:49,230 Like just like personally was like, you know when you just 933 00:46:49,230 --> 00:46:50,390 like, you're just. Kind of. 934 00:46:50,390 --> 00:46:52,110 Not in the mood. So then you're like, sorry, it 935 00:46:52,110 --> 00:46:53,950 has nothing to do with you. It genuinely has everything to 936 00:46:53,950 --> 00:46:56,030 do with me. So I was, I was in it, but I 937 00:46:56,030 --> 00:46:57,990 like, wasn't. I was like, oh, I reckon like 938 00:46:57,990 --> 00:47:00,310 I'd rather just like, take this slow, whatever. 939 00:47:01,270 --> 00:47:05,830 Then within a few days I was like, I'm just not thinking 940 00:47:05,830 --> 00:47:07,550 about her. Like, I'm just not. 941 00:47:08,430 --> 00:47:09,790 I'm curious about her. I'm not excited. 942 00:47:09,830 --> 00:47:11,230 I'm not really excited about her, not really. 943 00:47:11,390 --> 00:47:15,030 I'm not that interested. So then naturally I just, I told 944 00:47:15,030 --> 00:47:17,350 her because I over communicate all the time because that's just 945 00:47:17,350 --> 00:47:19,510 how I live my life. And I was like just you know, 946 00:47:19,510 --> 00:47:22,230 like I kind of am feeling like friend vibes, whatever, 947 00:47:22,230 --> 00:47:24,750 whatever. And she was like that's so fine. 948 00:47:24,750 --> 00:47:27,790 Like I've experienced a lot of different queer relationships in 949 00:47:27,790 --> 00:47:31,070 my life and like, I just am comfortable to like be friends 950 00:47:31,070 --> 00:47:34,150 and like who knows what's going to happen, but like at least it 951 00:47:34,150 --> 00:47:35,550 right now to just like be friends. 952 00:47:35,550 --> 00:47:37,830 I'm totally fine with that. And I was like, OK, so late. 953 00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:40,680 Like, it was like, so chill and so nice. 954 00:47:40,680 --> 00:47:45,400 But it was a good experience for me to be like, OK, like, I can 955 00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,920 explore this. And the worst that happens is we 956 00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:51,000 just realize that we're like, just friends or we just, like, 957 00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:52,240 don't like each other. We don't talk again. 958 00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:54,000 Like, what are you scared of? You know what I mean? 959 00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:57,800 Like, I know it's, it is scary. I'm not saying it's easy, but 960 00:47:57,800 --> 00:48:01,240 I'm saying that you don't actually genuinely have a lot to 961 00:48:01,240 --> 00:48:04,520 lose if you're like at the space where you're like, OK, well I'm 962 00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:06,600 fucking queer, so let's see what's going to happen, you 963 00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:10,970 know, just saying. And another thing with that is 964 00:48:10,970 --> 00:48:17,050 like you should let your experiences educate you on how 965 00:48:17,050 --> 00:48:20,170 you are attracted to people and what you like, but they aren't. 966 00:48:20,170 --> 00:48:22,170 The end all be all. And this is really important, 967 00:48:22,170 --> 00:48:25,210 especially if you are in, like a committed relationship. 968 00:48:25,210 --> 00:48:30,270 Like say you are a woman and you are dating a man or whatever 969 00:48:30,470 --> 00:48:31,750 you've been together for a few years. 970 00:48:31,750 --> 00:48:33,430 I get a lot of you who tell me things like this. 971 00:48:33,430 --> 00:48:35,550 We're like, you're like, I've been with a guy for a long time. 972 00:48:35,870 --> 00:48:38,270 I think I am queer. I don't. 973 00:48:38,470 --> 00:48:42,110 But I don't have the space to, like, prove it because I am with 974 00:48:42,110 --> 00:48:44,190 a man. You don't have to fucking prove 975 00:48:44,190 --> 00:48:45,350 it is what I'm trying to tell you. 976 00:48:45,350 --> 00:48:48,360 You don't have to there. You don't have to have X amount 977 00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:52,200 of experiences to then officially be bisexual. 978 00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:56,280 Like there isn't a scale. You don't have to be 5050 and 979 00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:58,760 you can be bisexual. You can be queer, you can be 980 00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:01,840 panned, whatever, and you can have a certain part of you 981 00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:05,560 that's like more towards men or more towards women, but you can 982 00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:09,710 still be open either way. I have a friend who said they 983 00:49:09,710 --> 00:49:13,750 were gay for ages and now they identify with bisexuality 984 00:49:13,750 --> 00:49:16,030 because they're like there's a there's a big part of them that 985 00:49:16,030 --> 00:49:19,070 actually really enjoys women. And they know that that part's 986 00:49:19,070 --> 00:49:21,310 kind of small, but they actually feel like it's more authentic to 987 00:49:21,310 --> 00:49:24,230 say bisexual. So they've now kind of not come 988 00:49:24,230 --> 00:49:26,390 out again, but have decided, like, that's the term that they 989 00:49:26,390 --> 00:49:28,910 want to use now. It changes. 990 00:49:28,910 --> 00:49:31,990 It changes. There's no stress to be one 991 00:49:31,990 --> 00:49:34,790 specific thing. And when you then have queer 992 00:49:34,790 --> 00:49:36,830 friends and you're in a queer community of people who are, 993 00:49:36,830 --> 00:49:40,430 like, loving, you know, and supportive, you realize that, 994 00:49:40,430 --> 00:49:44,150 like, no one is begging you to give them an answer. 995 00:49:44,270 --> 00:49:46,710 You're just like living your life, and it's great. 996 00:49:47,210 --> 00:49:50,730 Labels are not all that important, and they're for you. 997 00:49:50,730 --> 00:49:53,650 They're not for other people. Ultimately, they're for you. 998 00:49:54,050 --> 00:49:56,130 If you want to give them to other people to help them to 999 00:49:56,130 --> 00:50:00,010 understand you better or to just like build deeper connections 1000 00:50:00,010 --> 00:50:02,330 with people, sure. But again, that's you letting 1001 00:50:02,330 --> 00:50:07,850 them in, and that's sacred. And that is something that they 1002 00:50:07,850 --> 00:50:12,130 should appreciate and be aware of that that's not easy for you, 1003 00:50:12,610 --> 00:50:15,370 and it's really valuable to let somebody in. 1004 00:50:15,370 --> 00:50:16,970 It's not something that you have to do. 1005 00:50:17,170 --> 00:50:20,010 Get around more people that identify similarly to how you 1006 00:50:20,010 --> 00:50:22,250 identify. Get around more queer people in 1007 00:50:22,250 --> 00:50:26,130 general so you have a good scope of the queer experience. 1008 00:50:26,370 --> 00:50:28,450 Talk to the people you care about. 1009 00:50:28,690 --> 00:50:32,740 Talk to the people you trust and internally work on the things 1010 00:50:32,740 --> 00:50:35,860 that are going to help you to realize that you are allowed to 1011 00:50:35,860 --> 00:50:39,220 be exactly who you want to be and that there's nothing wrong 1012 00:50:39,220 --> 00:50:42,340 with the urges and the wants and the feelings that you have 1013 00:50:42,340 --> 00:50:45,780 because you are living a human experience that is messy and 1014 00:50:45,780 --> 00:50:49,420 scary and is not always going to be this linear thing. 1015 00:50:49,580 --> 00:50:52,140 There's going to be journeys along the way and you're not 1016 00:50:52,140 --> 00:50:56,080 going to arrive like truthfully. You're not going to arrive 1017 00:50:56,240 --> 00:50:59,040 truthfully. You are never going to feel, and 1018 00:50:59,040 --> 00:51:02,720 I'm so sorry to say this, you are never going to feel 100% 1019 00:51:02,720 --> 00:51:05,560 confident in your sexuality because you're never going to 1020 00:51:05,560 --> 00:51:10,200 feel 100% confident in yourself. These are tools and these are 1021 00:51:10,280 --> 00:51:13,040 words. This is language that we use to 1022 00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:15,440 help make sense of ourselves. But you're going to be 1023 00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:18,400 constantly growing, and that is a good thing. 1024 00:51:18,870 --> 00:51:22,830 You are going to be OK, and you're going to figure it out. 1025 00:51:23,070 --> 00:51:25,750 And with time it will make more sense. 1026 00:51:25,950 --> 00:51:28,310 But you should always leave yourself open to new 1027 00:51:28,310 --> 00:51:32,270 experiences, into identifying in different ways, to learning new 1028 00:51:32,270 --> 00:51:35,670 people, to experiencing new types of people. 1029 00:51:35,870 --> 00:51:39,190 Because life is exciting and it changes. 1030 00:51:39,190 --> 00:51:42,430 And that's what makes it so magical. 1031 00:51:42,910 --> 00:51:45,830 I love you. I appreciate you for being here. 1032 00:51:45,830 --> 00:51:48,230 Thank you so much for listening all the way through. 1033 00:51:49,140 --> 00:51:53,620 I hope that this episode fed you and made you feel more connected 1034 00:51:53,620 --> 00:51:56,460 with yourself and gave you insight on what you can do going 1035 00:51:56,460 --> 00:51:59,020 forward to become more confident in your sexuality. 1036 00:51:59,300 --> 00:52:02,460 If you want to connect with me directly, it is Alyssa Taylor 1037 00:52:02,460 --> 00:52:05,980 Harper on TikTok or Instagram. Instagram is a better place to 1038 00:52:05,980 --> 00:52:09,180 reach out to me specifically, but TikTok, we probably share a 1039 00:52:09,180 --> 00:52:13,460 bit more content on generally. Episodes are coming out, you 1040 00:52:13,460 --> 00:52:17,260 know just here and there really. And we have a Facebook group 1041 00:52:17,260 --> 00:52:18,700 called this, she said. What podcast group? 1042 00:52:18,700 --> 00:52:21,220 If you want to join us over there and make some queer 1043 00:52:21,220 --> 00:52:23,780 fucking friends again, thank you guys so much. 1044 00:52:23,820 --> 00:52:27,780 And I will see you guys in the next episode or on socials if 1045 00:52:27,780 --> 00:52:30,300 you come find me. OK All right, bye. 1046 00:52:30,460 --> 00:52:31,140 Love you guys.