You're listening to, she said what with your host?
Alyssa Harper? Hello hot.
And also sexy people, welcome back to.
She said, what if you've not been here before then my name is
Alyssa. I am your host.
This podcast is all about helping you become the best
version of yourself. That means teaching you how to
grow your friendships and grow in understanding your sexuality,
having a better sex life, having a better relationship with
yourself and talking about all the things that That I find we
don't talk about enough with our friends.
So that's what this podcast is all about.
If you haven't been here before, and if you have been here
before, then welcome back. It's so nice to see you again,
today's episode, we're gonna be talking about friends because
this week, I feel like I've really connected with a lot of
people. And I've had some experiences
this week that have literally been like, wow, this is why we
need community in our life and I'm just feeling so inspired on
this topic right now that I was like, this is exactly what I
need to talk about right now. And something that I've been
Hearing from you guys a lot recently as well saying that
you're either feeling lonely or you feel like you don't know how
to meet new people. And I want to give you all of
the little tips and advice, I can give you because this is
something that I struggle with for a very long time.
And I worked through some different like methods, I guess
two meeting people and being around different people and also
building that confidence with myself that I am valuable and I
am a good friend and I am worthy of having friends and I just
think it's something that is really important and something I
want to share about. So What today's episode is
about, let's get right into it, quick little update on my week
as per use. So as I said, I've just been
running around like a crazy chicken with my head cut off
because it's Mardi Gras in Sydney right now, which around
the world Mardi. Gras isn't necessarily like a
pride thing. But in Sydney in Australia, it
is pride. Gay pride, lgbtqia+, Peru.
I'd and it is like gay Christmas, like, Christmastime
honestly was pretty chill for me, Mardi Gras season insane,
insane, just back to back, to back to back, and it is so much
fun. And I'm so thankful to be doing
a job where, like, I can, you know, put things aside and kind
of like, focus in on relationships and stuff like
that. I'm very, very thankful to be
doing what I'm doing and actually update on off.
I told you guys this last week, but I taught my last pilates
class, two days ago and I'm officially Like full-time doing
social media, which is insane and again something that I'm so
so grateful for so thank you. If you've been watching my
podcast for a while and supporting me because this is
like my dream, this is literally the only thing that I want to be
doing with my time and now that I have the time to really, like
invest in the podcast, you're going to be seeing a lot more
episodes and obviously we have video podcasts going as well
now. So if you're listening watching
on YouTube and on Spotify you can see the video.
If you're watching on our listening I guess on Apple
podcasts and you're only going to be listening to it but just
so, you know. Leo is available if you are just
listening right now. But yeah, my week's been really,
really great. And I've been really happy to be
just celebrating queer Joy, especially because I came out as
bisexual. Only about 3 years ago, like,
I've always known I was by, I've always known, I was queer, but I
think, for a long time, I didn't come out because I was in a
situation where I couldn't really come out, and I grew up
in the church and there were things that I wouldn't have been
allowed to do within the church. If I did come out and If you've
been listening for a while, you know, that I've had some pretty
intense experiences with the church that I'm obviously no
longer a part of that's just not my world anymore but a lot of
like sexual shame and a lot of things that were put on me
things that I was, you know, told I wasn't allowed to do.
And so it's been a big process of unlearning and I've been
sharing that on the podcast as of kind of grown through it.
And so it's been interesting and I just think friends is this
topic that can be. So touchy for people and you
don't realize Like I think everybody kind of feels like
they don't have friends sometimes, and I think social
media plays a big part in it. Like we see people hanging out
with these, like, big friend groups where like where did you
get all these friends? Like, literally how do you have
as many friends? And for me, I moved across the
world After High School when I was 18.
And so I moved here, met all these amazing people, covid,
hit, boom, bang everybody went home.
Then I had no friends, and I had to like revive that part of my
life and I made an episode quite a while ago about making new
friends in like how How to do that.
And it was like very specific into like, you know, dming,
someone how to be chill about it.
Like going on, your first like friend date with someone and
like, hyping yourself up for it. And I think I want to do like an
updated kind of version of that and just talked about how
important it is to have Community, because I grew up
with people in my family who were kind of just like, not
fully introverted, but we know we'd hang out with, like, family
friends or like, we hang out with family, but everybody's
gone, like, I don't need friends, you know?
I'm like, it's okay. I have like, you know, my kids
and My, you know, our family. So I feel like I never really
have that representation of like what it looks like to have like
long-term healthy friendships through all of your adult life
and as you get older and you're either, not in school anymore or
maybe you aren't doing a job where you're seeing people all
the time. Even when I was teaching
Pilates, I was the only one in the studio as an instructor.
So I didn't meet peers, I didn't have peers.
So all of the things that I do with my friends was like, I had
to plan it, I'd like orchestrate it, you know, I had to be
invited to something and That can be just a bit taxing.
Like it's it's not easy to do that.
You have to plan, you have to schedule and you have to be
willing to be outgoing enough to be like, okay hey, let's hang
out. I want to be your friend and
actively pursuing people and I saw something recently it was a
few different actresses. I don't remember who it was.
It was literally like a tick tock or something, but they were
talking about how if you want to have a good friendships.
You want have long-lasting. Seeing friendships, then you
should actively pursue your friends, like pursue it like,
you are dating people date your friends, you know, think about
your friends Love Languages, like consider that, you know, if
you have a friend who really cares about quality time than be
there when you are with them, be present, don't be on your phone,
you know, be that person who's in the room and asking them
about their life, and you're invested in your interest in
them. If you have a friend who really
appreciates like going out and really enjoy is like, being out
in the city like doing all. The fun things do that with
them. And then, if you have things
that you want to do as well with them, like more chill things,
talk to them about that and be aware of what your relationships
actually look like. And so I just today is going to
be pretty chill. Like I'm going to be going
through a few different kind of like points that I thought about
today. And I would say that my main,
like all of this is just to encourage you to find community
that is fulfilling for you. That reflects the direction you
want to go in and is people that are genuinely going to support
you, especially as you. Grow in life, that they're not
going to be people who are intimidated by your growth.
They're not going to be people who are like, no, you know,
don't don't move because I'm gonna miss you or don't, you
know, don't go change this job because no, I like to work with
you, you know, they're, you know, them wanting you to do
things for them. It's really common, and
especially when it's like a friend group, you grew up with,
or people that you've been around with for like a long
time, people will get, I don't know.
Jealous. But, like, intimidated by the
fact that you are doing things that is bigger than what you
started doing when you first met them and that can be really
intimidating for people. And I think it does come back to
like a issue they have within themselves.
I don't think it's on purpose or like, you know, to hurt you.
I don't think it's on purpose, but I've seen it with a lot of
my friends and I've heard a lot of people not my friends doing
this obviously, but hearing my friends.
About this with other people as well.
And it's a struggle because if you are listening to this
podcast, you want to grow like you want to become the highest
version of yourself, the best version of yourself, the version
of yourself that is following like those dreams, those
passions, those things that you have that maybe are floating in
the back of your mind and these are things that you want to step
in and if your friends are not stepping into the things that
they want to be doing with their lives, then you're not going to
have that motivation to do it because you're not going to feel
like it's necessary. You know, it's going to be easy
to take that step back, it's going to be easy to justify, not
putting yourself out there or not going to that like first
Fitness class for the first time, even though you're nervous
because you're like you're happy with being in your comfort zone
and everyone around you is and you'll stay there.
And so what this is meant to be is to encourage you to step out
of that. So that's we're going to be
talking about today. Yeah if you're someone who says
I don't need any friends, then we're going to talk about that
and also So if you're one of those people worried, like I
feel like I see people on social media, all the time, with all
these friends and I'll have any friends, I feel like a loser,
then I'm gonna kind of help you through that because I've
definitely felt that many times in my life this week.
I went to something called by shorts, which was a screening of
a bunch of short films about bisexuality and I'm bisexual and
it brought me to tears. It literally, I have not felt
that way in a very, very long time.
I felt so validated. Like I just have never never
never. Never watched a movie and sat
there and really been like, oh my God, this is me like I
connect with this so much. Yes, that's exactly what I'm
going through. It's never quite hit for me.
Like, I've never gotten into like romance like films with,
like, straight people because I feel like I'm not that into it,
the odd time I've watched like a queer romance film and I have
been really into it but why We don't see enough of that and
bisexuality is something that is not represented a lot in the
media at all. Like we barely see it, you know,
and you do get, you know, the odd character and some of these
shows where it is exciting is like oh there's a bisexual
character but often they're portrayed as being over
sexualized or being that character that just like sleeps
around that person who's like down for whatever like they
don't have any boundaries you know and I think that can be
quite limiting. NG and even potentially harmful
to actual bisexual people because it doesn't allow you to
see what your life can look like as a bisexual person, and show
you the different versions of what that could look like.
And so leaving that queer. Screening like, it's called,
queer screens, great quick. Yeah, we're good.
Yeah, I think that's right. Leaving the screening of the by
shorts was like so incredible for me and I just felt like I
made it to talk about it. If you saw it where I was just
like crying. Really cried on Tick Tock.
I was like you this is actually a bit cringe but it was
necessary because I felt like there were so many people that
were commenting in responding being like Oh my gosh, I'm
literally crying. Like I can't believe you're
feeling this way and like it's so true that we don't have this
representation enough. In imagine if we have this kind
of representation growing up as bisexual people.
So so important. So so, so important and why you
need to be around people who are going to do those things with
you. Because I went with one of my
friends called blue and blue is queer and amazing.
And we just Have the best conversations and we were
literally sat on a hill in Kijiji.
Watching the sunset chatting for like two hours before we went to
the screening and it was just the best thing.
And I had this moment where I was like, this is the kind of
friendship that I need these. The kind of people that I need
around me because as much as a friend who was just like fun to
go out with and whatever is great, you also need people who
are really there with you and people that have similar like
values and morals and Community is just so So important.
I know it's lame that people say this about your top five friends
being a reflection of who you are but it is so true.
And if you look around at your friends right now and maybe you
don't have a lot of friends and you're like, okay well like I'm
not getting much from that. That's maybe something that you
want to grow in general or if you're looking at your friend
group and you're seeing a bunch of people who are similar to
what we're talking about earlier, where they're all very
Comfortable and they're happy to just like hang out and maybe
just do like the job or the schooling or whatever, that
their parents wanted them to do. And they're not stepping out of
their comfort zone, then I would encourage you to find people who
are wanting to step out of their comfort zone.
I think the language that you're around is really, really
important. Like if you surround yourself
with people who encourage you and genuinely want to see you
thrive, it will change your life like I I'm telling you it will
change your life. I have been in friend groups
before where it's not like that. I've been in friend groups like
that where it's like it's like all of us together.
It's like all or nothing. You know.
And I like that I get that but you can get really stuck and you
need people who want to be there with you to help you thrive.
And so surrounding yourself with people intentionally is so
necessary, and I think it can seem a bit Like clinical or like
a bit too organized. Sometimes when people talk this
way, or it can seem that way, but I think this is a really,
really good practice that you can do.
So, sit down with a journal and literally write down all the
friends you can think of, you might have two names on there.
You might have 20 names on there, but literally think of
all the people that you are possibly connected to that you
way you would reach out to to have a coffee.
You know, even if it's just an acquaintance like people, you
know, maybe at your work, your school, whatever, write it down.
And then, I want you to look at those people choose like, five,
people and focus on those people actually invest in those people.
Make it clear to those people that you are wanting to pursue a
relationship with them. And you don't need to do that in
a way that's like weird. And obviously if it's not
reciprocated then you move on. You know to somebody else.
I'm not saying to like how not people but it is so powerful
when you make someone aware that you want to be there front and I
think with social media, like I mentioned earlier often, we feel
like everyone has friends. I don't have any friends and
there's something wrong with me and you might even have a false
sense of connection with people around you or in your community
because you look around and you go.
Yeah, I talk to people every day.
You know I'm jamming people every day or two people reply to
my stories or I replied people's stories or I have friends on
this little online thing or through a game or whatever.
But are Are you able through social media to have very
intense conversations with people?
Not really, you know, you can send the voice messages and you
can get a bit more detailed in that way.
But it's important that we're actually physically with people
having these kinds of conversations and it's really
easy these days to get disconnected from the people in
our lives. So I would encourage you to take
that time step back and have a bit of like an analytical Moment
Like take stock. Because that can be.
So, so valuable in either making a, wow.
I actually don't have a lot of friends or going.
Oh, I actually do have a lot of friends, but I don't feel like
I'm actually close with any of those friends, and if you're
someone who's friends with everybody, that's awesome.
That's great, that you're someone who's confident and
being able to like, walk around and say, hey to everyone and be
that person, like, in the cafeteria to, like, talk to
everyone or that person who's, like, out of club or whatever
you dancing. And you're able to just like
make eye contact with him and be like, hey, like dance with them.
And then like talk to them. That's awesome.
If you're one of those people, I can't say that.
I'm one of those people. I'm quite a lot more introverted
than you would think. I try really hard, but it's not
easy for me to do that. And if you are slay, my mom love
that for you. But make sure that you're also
investing in your relationships in a way that is Meaningful to
you and, of course to them as well.
Another thing is that you never know what's out there.
I think While I got comfortable in my friendships, and I've done
this multiple times in my life, where all kind of really settle
in get comfortable with my friendships and then I'll hang
out with someone new and I'll go, wow, that was really nice.
Like it was nice to talk to someone.
Maybe who's in the same thing as me like talking about the same
thing. Interested in the same thing or
it was just nice to have a fresh perspective or was nice to talk
to someone who isn't in my circle or, you know, is
disconnected from all of that. So I can just talk about
whatever. And there's no worry about all
this person, or this person in the way.
Everyone's connected. It's nice to have someone
outside of the bubble, or maybe it's nice to have someone who
has different beliefs to me, or different values to me, because
I'm able to learn and get insight from that person.
And so I would guess encourage you to think about what else is
out there and to put yourself out there, even though it's
scary when you're able to have those conversations.
It is so fulfilling it is so exciting and like invigorating.
And if you're like me, Where it can be hard for you to like just
go hang out with someone for the first time that you feel like
you don't know very well or like you know that first time you
hang out with someone outside of work and like for a long time,
their work friend and then they become something more than like
a work friend and it's like, whoa, like we're like real
friends now if that is scary for you as well, I want you to know
that that's completely normal and it's okay if for you to be
nervous but after that hang out similar to like it's like a
first date, you can literally leave and be like oh wow like I
did it, you know. It's very motivating.
It reminds you that you can do hard things and you can put
yourself out there and even if it is scary, it's worth it.
And look, sometimes that happens sometimes where you go and you
hang out with someone and it's not the best fit, it's like
maybe you have a nice time there's nothing wrong with, you
know, this person but you don't connect perfectly and that's
good because it teaches you, you know, it teaches you.
Oh maybe like I should like talk to somebody kind of different or
maybe I should just like try again or Maybe that person is
going to be someone who's going to be a closer friend for me
later, like, down the road or, you know, we're going to have
something that comes up where this becomes a friend where I
didn't realized that. My work friend was also really
into boxing and I've been wanting to do boxing.
Okay, let's go boxing together. You know, you can create these
friendships in ways that have specific meaning or you can
genuinely just find like really really close friends by doing
that. So, I definitely encourage you
to do that. I think for a while.
I thought that I didn't like meeting new people and I've
said, This a lot in the past I've been like, I don't want to
meet any new people. I don't need to like I don't
like it. Like I'd so awkward.
Like I hate it. Stresses me out.
Like, I'm that person where I'm like, hi, my name is Alyssa and
I'm like thinking so hard about how I'm saying it myself.
That I don't even hear their name.
It like it goes over my head and it's not because I'm like
egotistical or I don't want to know their name.
I desperately want to know their name and remember their name.
It's just like an anxiety thing. And it's just like social
anxiety. And so, for me, it's something
where I need to like, step out of my comfort zone and try to be
as present as I can. And like, that's something I'm
still actively working on, but getting around new people
getting through those initial little conversations and then
realizing that getting to know someone is the fun part about
meeting new people. It's exciting.
You know, I thought that I didn't like meeting people
because that initial thing stressed me out and that's fine.
But now I'm at a place where I'm like, oh no, I actually love
meeting new people because I like getting to know new people
like meeting someone and they say, oh yeah, like I do this for
working. Be like, that's so cool.
I do something similar or that's so cool.
I know nothing about that. Can you tell me about that?
And you can really, really learn from people really, really learn
from community and Community is so important because like I said
earlier, it is fulfilling And it is so validating.
And this is what I was feeling in this last kind of two week,
period, where I got around people that made me feel like
I'm allowed to be myself here. Like, I'm allowed to dress how I
want. I don't have to show up to like
a bougie ass event. Not that I got a bougie ass
events, but like a nice dinner or whatever.
And I don't have to wear a dress because just because I'm a
woman, doesn't mean I have to dress in a dress.
I can wear like nice dress pants and like loafer Purrs and like a
cute little top. And like, I'm technically just
as dressed as the guy next to me and I'm allowed to do that.
And I think, for a long time, being a queer person having
like, only straight friends, I always felt out of place, like,
I felt like, I don't feel like I'm allowed to express myself.
I feel like we all kind of where the same things.
I feel like we all kind of say and do the same things, but I
needed people that were actually like, like me.
And that's not because there's anything wrong with people who
are For me, it's just having that balance.
And you know what? It reminded me about how I used
to feel at the church because when I was invested in a church,
I had a community of people that aligned with the same values
that I aligned with. That had similar mindset,
similar goals, some other things that they cared about and that
made me feel like I was doing something right.
And I think that's what was so powerful about it.
And obviously I'm not a part of that Community anymore.
For many, many, many reasons. And just, it's not my life
anymore and I respect people who are in it and loving it and
doing good things within that community and, you know, being
the allies, and everyone in that Community for the lgbtq+
community as well, but it's just not my world anymore, but I do
miss that feeling of community, which is something I don't think
I realized I was looking for until I started to feel it again
and I've been, you know, months of having from oh, So it, but
this week is just really like, solidified.
It invalidated it and especially after last week's episode where
I was talking about bisexuality. And how I really realized I was
bisexual how I realized I actually liked women, you know,
it was cool to like be like, okay, I'm gonna personally
validate Myself by looking at how I felt with these
experiences and I'm going to go find Community who also do that
for me and help me to feel safe and like comforted And what is
so cool about that? Is that you get to then do that
for other people? This is like the biggest part.
Like yes, you want people to be like yes, you're amazing and
like cheer you on and whatever, but when it's all about you,
that's also not going to make you feel good.
You know. Like sometimes I think imagine
if you would like some really famous person measure your like
Harry Styles. How everyone would just be like,
like I love you and I'm gonna impress you because you're Harry
Styles. I reckon your relationships
would be like, really stressful, because like, unless everyone's
kind of out like the same level, you would probably feel a bit,
which I mean, like How because it's Harry Styles, you know, I
feel like it would be a bit like just people like to peel
actually want to hang out with me.
Like, do people actually want to like be friends with me like or
is it just because I'm literally her spouse to know?
I mean where is thank God. We're not in that position
because that would actually be so stressful.
It's important that you have people that you can pour into,
you know, having friends that you can support is amazing.
I got a little out of friend came over yesterday in tears and
was just like, I just need to find and it was nice.
Like not nice for her, not nice for me.
Obviously either like we were talking through it and working
through what she was going through and that's difficult but
at the end of the day it's like, wow, okay I have people who will
be there for me and I am able to be there for people and it's
important like connection and giving back in receiving and
giving is so so important and something that we all need.
And if you don't feel like you have that, then you Aren't alone
actually saw some about this about the other day about this,
like study where people were asked about their friends and
the most common response right now, with how many friends do
you have? Is one, two, three friends,
which is insane and the percentage of people that say
that they have zero friends is the highest.
It's been in like hundreds of years, which is insane.
And, I mean, how they actually are able to like know that, I
don't know, but even the fact that There's a large large group
of people right now, who are like, I actually don't have any
friends. It's sad.
It sucks. Like it's like fuck, like I hate
that that's the reality but that's kind of what happens when
we are in a society that like, really prioritize has
surface-level relationships and social media and it's very
normal and I don't want to be on those people who's like like gen
Z like these days. You know, I don't want to be
like this old ass. Like But I do think that I've
come full circle where for a long time.
I was like, yeah, I'm so connected, like online like any
look online friends and like, that's super fun and I love it.
And if I talk to any of you on a regular basis, just you know, I
love you, okay? Not seeing any that is bad but
it's important that you have close close connection.
Now, if you are someone who struggles with going out, this
like social anxiety, I'm your girl and just wanted to give you
some quick tips on things that I have helped me to feel like I'm
prepared to go out more often and to become someone who's able
to go with the flow because I am not someone who is able usually,
okay. Usually or I guess in the past
to just go with things and to be like, yeah, let's go to the
beach. And then yeah, let's go for
dinner and then let's do normally.
I'm like, when are we going? How are we getting there?
What do I wear? Okay, what do I bring?
Am I going to be needing energy tomorrow?
Because how late are we going to be out?
I'm one of those people and I've always been that person who's
very organized. Very like I just get anxiety.
Okay. And so I've been trying to
become more chill and things that have helped me is things
that make me feel like I can be prepared for multiple situations
so first of all something that's helped me making sure that I
like pack a purse. I bring a purse.
Bring some sort of bag something that has like my essentials like
this is we're talking to you odorant.
We're talking chapstick something that is going to.
Not be able to, you know, can be able to get past if it's
bothering you chapstick is a big one for me.
I don't know if it's just like a fixation thing, but chap stick
deodorant, like make sure you have obviously, your keys, your
phone your wallet. Okay.
That's very, very important even potentially like cash in case
your phone dies and you pay with your phone or a card.
Obviously I just don't know why I'm like that.
I just am a psycho. And I'm like, what if the world
crashes right now and I need cash?
I don't know. It's just me.
All right deal. Other than that, maybe like a
little jumper. Okay?
Little jacket something to keep you warm if you need it and like
little wipes, like all the little things gum.
Oh my God, gum is a really important one.
Now I can we have almost forgot that so a little bag, something
to help you. Okay.
Another one is something called Loops there like, just earplugs,
I've got them. I maybe got some, like, six
months ago. I'm obsessed with them.
They're so, so so good. This obviously isn't sponsored
or anything just you know, I don't really have any sponsors
on the podcast clean ever. As of right now.
But they're like these little earplugs and they have cute
little circle around them, and they just take the sound down a
notch, doesn't make it. So you can't hear people.
And that's what I love about. It is the actual Loop allows,
like, sound to go through it and so, instead of just blocking
close your ear, it's actually like a piece with, like, a mesh
and like, if you can't see me, then I'm doing hand signals to
explain this, but it's like a circle with mesh, and there's
like little holes in it, and then there's the loop.
So, it does block out some sound, but it still allows you
to hear people talking to you. And I really appreciate that
because loud sounds and sometimes like loud situations
can be like very overstimulating for me and can stress me the
fuck out. And so I would recommend Some
Loops. I would also recommend dressing
to feel good point. Number three is dressing to feel
good. I used to think that if I wore
something that I looked good in that, I would feel good because
I'm like, oh, I look good. But 10 minutes after you leave
the house, you don't know what you look like anymore.
And if you're always focused on how you look when you're out,
you are not going to have a good time.
You're just not gonna have a good time.
If you struggle with, like, body image issues and you are one of
those people where you like, constantly like, sitting up
really tall, and sucking it in and whatever I used to be like
that. It is draining if you're coming
home going on. Oh, I'm so emotionally
exhausted. Oh, I'm so fatigued after being
the people for a few hours. It's probably because you've
been acting in a way that you haven't been able to be yourself
and yes, that's To be more common when it's, maybe a new
friendship or you're on a date or a job thing, you know, a new
job think, something's something where you don't feel like you
can be full of yourself. I get that those situations are
going to come up always in life. But if you are constantly like
that, just take a second, take note, because I've had to
realize all this about myself over time, something that I've
talked about actually as well, on the podcast is something
called the spotlight effect which is a really common
phenomenon that people Work will get where they feel like they
walk in a room and everybody is looking at them.
And again, it's not this like egotistical thing.
Like, yes everyone. Look at me, if anything, it's
like, please don't look at me, but it can feel like, oh, like I
just want to make sure I'm like, I'm being presented in a good
way. Like, I'm showing up as a good
version of myself and I'm fun and I'm this and I'm that and
actually to friend this past week and we went to an event
together and we had so much fun together and they were just like
the life of the party dancing like so, so, so, so so Fine.
And at the end of the night, they looked at me and we're
like, I'm so sorry if I was like pouring today.
I'm sorry. If I was like low-energy.
Like I just I felt like I was being weird and just
automatically was like questioning the way that they
were being. And I was like, oh my God if you
think that you're boring, then kill me actually kill me because
we had so so much fun. And you are the life of the
party and you deserve the world like shut up.
Like I love you and it was just this thing where I was like,
wow, okay, I'm so sad. That is a lie.
Like my friend does this but at the same time I was like, at
least I'm not alone and doing that going home at the end of
the day and being like, why did I say that or like, oh, so
embarrassing, like why did I make it sound like that?
Why was I rude? Like, why did I come off as so
rude? I didn't mean to and go through
that kind of like after the hangout run through in your head
where you just kind of like belittle yourself for like 20
minutes and feel like shit. And then you're like, okay,
we're gonna try again tomorrow. Like it's horrible and I think a
lot of us I like this. A lot of us have especially
after covid and all of that have this, like, social anxiety and
this feeling of like, second-guessing ourselves in
questioning ourselves often and if that's you, I just want to
encourage you that that's not weird.
You know, that's not some like big horrible thing.
It's actually really, really common and I think it's
something that we're all working through and something that we
all should be like actively aware of because it's not
something you need to feel. Feel if you start to affirm
yourself more and more by saying, I don't need to show up
as this perfect version of myself.
I don't have to show up with a full face of makeup.
Okay? For when those people were like,
I can't leave the house without makeup.
Start to challenge. That start to push yourself, go
to the supermarket without any makeup on and then go to a hang
out with a few friends without any makeup on and then go out on
a night and literally go and fucking party and do it with no
makeup on push yourself. Because if you are feeling like
Like I need to show up with all this energy.
Be a super fun crazy version of myself with a full face of
makeup and like, be this like perfect person, then no fucking
wonder. You don't want to leave the
house, you know. No wonder.
You want to stay in bed and scroll on Tick-Tock.
No wonder. You don't want to put yourself
out there and do something new for the first time because even
just going out right now is fucking terrifying.
So if that's you, I got it. And it's not just you, okay?
I did want to talk a little bit about the queer Community
specifically and if you are a queer person maybe that looks
like being bisexual. Maybe that looks like being a
lesbian. Maybe that looks like being
queer. Maybe that looks like trying to
figure it out right now you know I say like for a long time I was
the cue for questioning like that was like the lgbtq for
questioning because I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
I just knew I wasn't straight and I think that if you are a
queer person or you're trying to figure out if you are you need
to get Around more queer people. This is so.
So so important and it's so funny because I went to a I
think it's a sexologist or knows a counselor just like a
counselor. Actually in Sydney about like a
year and a half ago. Maybe two years ago when I was
kind of working through some of the church stuff and like
healing from all of that and she looked at me and she was like,
you need more queer friends and I was like, I kind of thought
you was like, joking. I was like yeah, like I would
love more queer. Friends hunt wasn't but she
wasn't lying. Like I literally needed.
We're friends because she knew what it was going to do for me.
She knew what it was going to validate.
She knew that it was going to help me to very quickly be like,
oh I can learn everyone, I can do whatever I want.
I can love whoever I want, like she knew how good that was going
to be for me. And that's how important friends
are to the point that a counselor is going to tell you
that you need a certain group of friends and it is important in
the people that are around. You do Affleck, do reflect you
and do really either encourage you or discourage you to do
things. And that's That is really
important to be aware of and this extends, to not just people
in the queer Community. Obviously, if you do follow like
a certain religion or you have a certain like Heritage like a
certain background, it's important that you're around,
people who are going to validate those things for you.
Obviously I am white. So I cannot speak to this fully
like I wouldn't say, I have some like crazy culture.
Okay, I really don't, I mean, I'm Ukrainian kind of on my
dad's side so I guess that's like a thing for Me, but I'm not
out here. Being like, Oh, yeah, just like
really connect with it. Like, I just don't know.
It's a weird few Generations out, so it's a bit more like,
yeah, we have like borscht on like Easter and like we eat,
like pierogies, and like we painted the little eggs when I
was little, you know, we had some Ukrainian traditions in
there, but overall I didn't like have these.
This very, very intense, not intense but like really like Big
or full culture growing up, I don't even know if I should say
that but it's true. Okay, we're right.
Okay, it's fine. I don't think I'm offending the
white people and even if you are offended as a white person and
I'm sorry. But come on, let's work on that.
All right? Yeah, that's another one for
you. But if you have this history,
this culture of this family where you have all these
traditions and all these beautiful things going on, be
aware of your friends and be aware of if they have that as
well, because it's very easy for you to lose that as you grow up
and to like, forget What about that?
And I think people often come back to it, but I would just
encourage you to think who are the kind of people that I would
want in my life and go after it. And so again, leaving today's
episode, I would say that the best thing for you to do is to
sit down. Think about the friends that you
have really focus in on, like five of them really, put your
time into them really invest into them.
And also, another thing you can do is sit down.
And think, what is my ideal friend?
This The thing that I did about a year ago and it genuinely
changed how I looked on my friendships because I know that
you cannot create a perfect person, you know, I know that
you cannot create a perfect partner or whatever.
But this is something that I saw done for partners, like, or
looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever, and people
sit there and they would write, okay, these are things that I
want, you know, I want someone who's going to make me laugh.
I want someone who is going to I'm gonna have a sexual
connection with and be really, you know, attracted to you.
That's obviously important. I want some One who is going to
support me in my dreams. Maybe you want someone who wants
to travel you know the specific things to you that you want in a
partner. Think about that with your
friends. Like we need to start
approaching our friendships. Like we do love romantic
relationships, you know, we really do because we spend so
much time thinking about that guy that we talked about on
Tinder or whatever or the you know that girl that we had that
little fling with and it's like like are we into each other?
We spend so much time doing that but often we put our friends on
the Back burner, and especially, if you're one of those people
where you get into a relationship like a romantic
relationship and you kind of like detail your friends for a
little bit. Okay.
If that's you, it's okay. I got it, I got it.
But if you're one of those people, I would encourage you to
not do that because your friends are going to be there.
If something goes wrong with that relationship and you might
need those friends and it's also going to be great for you to
have people to pour into in to really be invested in a
community, okay, have I driven that home?
Enough. Do you understand?
We need people. We need to be in community, I
think, even historically. We used to live more so in
community, you know, we didn't live in the separated Family
household units in the way that we do now and obviously it's
changed so much throughout all of history.
It's, you know, insane but recently I would say in
comparison to a lot of history with the way that we've
Advanced, you know, as a as a society, I don't know.
As the human race. I don't know.
The way that we've progressed, we've kind of isolated in a way
and I think there's a big part of us that just historically
maybe intuitively is like dying for Community dying for
connection and that's why we look for it in these cheap kind
of weird ways that we never used to like these kind of like quick
hookups or these friends on social media or, you know,
making sure that you make it look like you have friends.
The way that people are with friends and Community now is
actually really sad, I think. And I hope this isn't like a hot
take and like, a bad take, like, I really just feel like it's
important, and it's really easy to not take stock of it.
And that's what I would encourage you to do.
So that's basically it guys, thank you so much for listening.
I hope you enjoyed today's episode just having a little
chitty chat chat chat about why it's important to be around
people to have community and to care about your friends to pour
into Friends and to be a good friend and why it's so
fulfilling and if you don't have that, I hope this didn't make
you go. I'll fuck.
Wow. Well I don't have any friends
because I have felt that before I have literally felt that so
many times in gone through different seasons where I didn't
have friends and gone through Seasons where I had heaps of
friends and then suddenly didn't have friends and it is something
that will change that your whole life.
So don't be discouraged if you have people in your life that
you're like, this just isn't like doing it for me.
Like I just feel like I need different people.
You don't need to ditch them all.
You know, you can definitely have people in your life that
you're around maybe once a month.
Maybe once a year maybe a little face time here and there, you
can have different levels of friendship, but be aware that
you don't have all of those levels of friendship being
pushed out from you. And then the only person that's
close is like your partner or the only person that's close is.
Like maybe that one roommate, like be aware or nobody be aware
of the depth of your relationships, and the depth of
your connections, because I really believe that, that is
where Find beauty in life. Like I really believe that
through connection is where we feel are most like human and
real and we really experience things and experiences like
going to an event or a workout class or going up on a hill or
going on a run or doing whatever those things are beautiful to do
on your own here and there for sure.
And maybe you're more introverted and you prefer that
and that's awesome. But experiencing things with
other people is so important and something.
Thing that I think we just don't prioritize enough.
So that's it guys, thank you so much.
If you don't already follow the podcast on Spotify or a podcast
or whatever you listen, then please give it a follow helps.
Me helps Pharmacy for people to see the episodes, so that be
amazing. And if you want to connect with
me, my Instagram and Tick, Tock is Alyssa Taylor Harper, and
I'll connect it below for you, so you can just click right
through. And lastly, we also have a
Facebook group called The she said, what broadcast group, I
want to say every week. I'm like, I don't know.
That is call that. No, just look it up.
You'll find us and it's just a nice little Community.
Again, a way to connect with Community, something that to me
is such a goal for this podcast. And trust me, there are things
in the works to really make this a community and not just about
like you coming in and like listening to a podcast and like
running away. I want you guys to really have a
space to chat because I have so many amazing DM conversations
with you guys about all these things that you're going through
things that you're working through.
But there's also a whole community, Of you guys that you
we could all be really helping each other and I even want to
start to kind of lean more into like the advice part of it,
because I get a lot of questions all the time that I'm like, oh I
feel like this is something that someone else might also be
struggling with and you guys are the inspiration for these
episodes. Like I will have one of you
message me and say to me I'm really struggling with this
thing. I feel like I like I just don't
have any like you know, not that this actually happened this
time, but friends are, I don't have this, I don't have this in
my life. I'm really struggling with like
body image or that or that of that and then I'll go.
Okay. Actually I'm going to make an
episode about this because I feel like more people will
relate with this and so if you would like that some sort of
like advice situation being able to send in like Anonymous advice
on like a regular basis maybe through like a website or
something like that. Let me know if you like that
idea because I kind of think that would be a fun way to go
about this. I'm just all about you guys
having the space to work through the things you want to work
through. And I just really care about
helping you become the version of yourself that you want to
because I'm on that Journey like I'm doing that.
I'm I'm not there. Okay.
I am not all. Let me just tell you about how
to be the best. No.
Okay, I'm working on it and I think as we work through things,
we learned things and we should share that with others.
And so love you guys. I'm feeling very sentimental
this week. Oh, okay.
Thank you so much and come find me.
Let's have a chat chat, love you and I'll see you next week.
Bye guys.