You're listening to. She said what with your house
Alyssa Harper? Hello sexy people.
Welcome back to. She said, what if you've not
been here before then I just want to welcome you.
Let you know that this is a space for you to come and grow
to become the best version of yourself.
Whether we are talking about self growth, relationships, sex
and sexuality, or what have you? This is a space for you to come
and get something out of every single episode.
And today we're going to be talking about green flags and
red flags. In friendships.
Because I've been having a lot of conversations with you guys
recently where you're like, look, I'm scared to make new
friends because I've been fucked over and like, I've had really
shit friends and I'm really sensitive when it comes to
friendships. And some of you saying like,
literally, what, like, how do I know if someone's going to be a
safe person for me? And so I thought it would be fun
to go through all the things that I look like actively.
Look for in new friendships especially As I see people doing
this often when it comes to like dating relationships, but we
don't do it enough with friends and I think it's like so so
important because your friendships are like your
foundation and the people that, you know, you should be able to
rely on in my opinion. And so we're going to be doing
that today. If you guys don't already follow
the podcast on Spotify or apple podcast wherever you listen,
please go ahead and do that. And if you want to come connect
with me, put a face to the name of.
Before you listen to All of today's episode you can find me
on tick, tock. Or Instagram at Alyssa Taylor
Harbor, which is also linked in the show notes.
Alright, let's get into today's episode.
You guys might have noticed but I am sitting on my couch today.
It just it was just the day for it, I don't know.
I was just not in the mood to set up in the studio today.
Just needed to have a little just a little chinwag with y'all
and quick update on my week as per usual.
I've been going out a bit with my friends which has been a lot
of And and I'm trying to figure out what boundaries I need to
have for me to also stay well and take care of myself but
honestly, you only live once and my right now.
Just joking. But, you know, I also think I'm
young and I need to live my life and so I've been enjoying that.
It's just been like a really nice month of feeling, the
weather starts to get a little bit cooler here in Sydney and I
personally don't know. Normally like the cold, like I
don't like the cold cold, but I like, when it's like a little
bit nippy just because you put on a sweater and then you feel
like all cuddly and it's just cute.
Like I just like it. So, that's been really nice.
And that's literally guys, I don't have any updates for you.
Nothing crazy has been happening.
I've just been hanging out having a good time.
I'm really thankful for the friends that are in my life
right now. And that's part of the reason
why I'm doing this episode as well.
I think sometimes, like I said in the intro, Sometimes we do
this with relationships. We're like, I'm looking for
someone to date, who is funny? I'm looking for someone to makes
me feel safe, someone who I have good conversations with someone
who I flippable blah. But we don't think of our
friends as being something that you can like choose.
Sometimes we get so comfy and our friendships.
So are gonna be going through a bunch of different like traits
and things that I've seen in friendships that make
friendships long-lasting and like amazing.
And then things that are probably things you want to.
tear away from and like notice them early so that you don't
have to have Painful experiences with friends because personally
I have as I'm sure everyone has had to some extent, had some
really really painful experiences with friends and had
some like you know friends that you just would never think that
they would do certain things and then it comes as a surprise and
it's it's so hurtful and it like feels like a breakup and there
are things that I've now learned that Been like oh if I've seen
this in someone else since then I've literally been like, hmm, I
can feel it. I don't need to have like a
perfect answer as to why I feel this way about this person, but
I feel like there's some sussed shit going on and I wish I knew
those things sooner and so that's what you're getting out
of today's episode. Let's get started.
Alright, green flags starting out.
All right. Number one we have trust.
Trust is obviously the foundation to I I think any good
relationship, because without trust, there's a lack of ability
to be open, and without the ability to be open and honest
and have real conversations. There's a lack of depth to the
relationship. And yes, you can absolutely have
like acquaintances and like friends that are more, just
like, you know, your Loosely friends with them or you see
them sometimes for certain things, but I think trust is
just so. So, so Important, some people
take longer to trust others than others.
You know, some people take longer and that's totally fine.
It's okay. If you don't want to sit down
with someone the first time you meet them and be like, here's my
life story. Here's all my traumas and this
is my childhood trauma. Like, it's totally fine, but I
think, with time and more comfortable to be with that
person, you want to be able to fully trust them and to not have
to question their intentions, which is really important.
And I think If you ever feel like you have to question
someone's intentions, it just means that there's so many
things that will get kind of like shoved under the rug or not
shoved brushed. I always also in this podcast,
which if you guys been listening for a while, I always say like
certain sayings wrong and I don't even know that I do it and
then I watch back the episodes when I'm editing and I'm like,
oh my God, I am fucking stupid people, who think I'm crazy but
whatever, it's fine, honestly, it's fine, I'm not stupid world.
I said what myself? I can't say these things.
Oh my God. Okay, moving forward.
It's okay to We're time if you need to trust people over time
all good. I think within a trusting
relationship, you make the other person better and they make you
better because you can actually have the space to call out
things that need to be called out.
And I had a situation like this once where I was sat with a
friend we're just out for dinner and her and I had been hanging
out heaps like we go out together and you know, we'd go
to like events and stuff together and we sat down
together one day and I was He's talking about this person that I
had been chatting with, and there'd been some like interest
there. And she had picked up that
anytime that we gone out together in gone drinking and
whatever that I would almost always be texting them.
And I would almost always be just like, I don't know.
Like there was like this part of me that was like just wanting to
gravitate towards them to the point that it's almost like
annoyed her and I totally get Why that would annoy her.
But she brought it to me and she, and it wasn't judgmental.
It was amazing of her to be this way, but we were just talking at
dinner and she went, you know what?
I love that you love so hard. I love that you have interest in
people. I love that.
You're open to all these things. Bubba, Bubba, blah, but I just
want you to ask yourself. Why?
When you drink you feel the need to reach out to that person.
And like what are you either not getting or getting from that.
Person. Like, is that the kind of
relationship you want to have with this person or do you want
it to look different? And it was just such a lovely
conversation because if it had come from a friend who I didn't
trust, right? If it had come from a friend who
I didn't feel like I could be genuinely open and honest with I
think I would have felt offended.
I would have felt like, what do you mean?
Like bro first of all is none of your business or sorry.
If I'm such a burden when we're out together.
Like I think that defensiveness would come on more naturally,
but when it's Friend that you trust and you feel like you can
actually go back and kind of like laugh and be like I know
I'm trying to figure it out or okay.
Here are my current thoughts on it.
What do you think? And you can trust that you don't
have to hide anything from them because you know, that your
secret is safe with them or whatever that is.
So so valuable and the last thing I want to add about trust
is genuinely trusting their character and their opinions.
So getting advice from anybody is not Wise getting advice from
somebody who you maybe look up to or you see a someone who they
have similar values or morals to you.
That's what you want because it means that you can actually get
advice. That is applicable to you and
not just to anybody, you know, it's to you.
It's to what your needs and your wants.
And if you have that long-term trust with somebody, that person
is actually aware of what those things are for you, and that's
just so, So valuable to me, moving on, is that the
Friendship feels, right? And that you leave the
Friendship, hang out situation, feeling better?
Because I've definitely had friends where I've hung out with
them and as much as I had been good friends with them for a
long time, I would leave feeling like, drained somewhat exhausted
that sometimes just comes from not Getting on with someone
super well. And it just means that you
having to put in that extra bit of effort which sometimes is
fine and necessary and sometimes if you specially for extroverted
you're comfortable being that person in the room who is like
asking questions and being the outgoing one and you're happy to
fill that space and that's totally fine but if you're more
similar to me and you just want to be able to do both when you
want to like you want to be able to be open when you want to be
open and you know loud and extroverted when you want to be
but also be able to like take it back in.
It in. And let that person, hold that
space as well. It's tough.
When you have a friend who is, maybe really like shy or just
like really to themselves to the point that you just don't hit it
off. Like, I think sometimes similar
to like romantic relationships, you just know when it feels
right and you just feel energized by that person and
this isn't going to happen necessarily after every single
time, you hang out with this person and I think you should
definitely give people a chance and let People have time to open
up to you and maybe become more comfortable with you because of
course, some people aren't who they are right away.
Some people, it takes a while, right?
But I do think it's really important that if you notice a
pattern of feeling heavy after being with someone, or you feel
drained, or you feel like they kind of just like dump every
time there with you and they don't seem to be as interested
in your life as you are there as they don't seem to like really.
Maybe even like value or really like take you in as a friend.
Then I would encourage you to question that feeling because
ultimately people should leave you feeling better and like I
said this isn't going to be all the time you were going to have
friends or going to go through Seasons, right?
Like breakups or just transitions or things where
you're going to have to be the one who's like just more
supportive and that's totally fine.
But at the end of the day, Day. Everybody owns their emotions
and everybody is responsible for the way that they respond in the
way that they treat others. So even if somebody's going
through a difficult season, it doesn't mean that they have the
right to take that out on you or to leave you feeling heavy every
time you hang out with them consistently, right?
So that's really important to me.
Moving forward. Is autonomy, autonomy for me is
just a big thing in Rule feeling like you have the right to make
the choices that you want to make.
For yourself is not selfish to want to have that individual
life of yours. It's not selfish to want to
fulfill your needs because you are the one who has to live your
life. You take you, everywhere you go
and if you're constantly making choices for other people, you're
going to end up feeling very lost eventually and it takes a
lot of Time to to come back from that and having people around
you that can look at you and be like, oh my God!
Yes you are so funny, you would be so good at Bubba, Bubba,
blah. Or oh my God.
Yes. Because you're such a good
listener. You should definitely go for
that job or you should do this. You should do that.
Those people who are like, they see the good in you, and they
want to empower the good in you and pull the good out of you and
help you to open up and expand. I've talked about this before.
But it's just so important to me that the people around you are
wanting you to grow. And it doesn't mean you're
necessarily going past them or like leaving that friend group,
or whatever it is. But being able to just like
expand and open up and feel like they're going to applaud you and
like genuinely stand with you and be proud of you, to me is
really, really important. And another thing with autonomy
is that they allow you to To do whatever you want when it comes
to your time and they respect the boundaries that you might
need to have for your mental health or for relationships that
are taking priority in your life.
Like maybe to you a romantic relationship is actually your
priority at the moment and that's totally fine, but that
they allow you the space to do that.
Otherwise it can be very draining when it feels like that
person is just like needing you all the time.
Like you need to be able to have the space.
To say, I'm actually okay, like today to not talk today or maybe
I need a few days to kind of, just, like, do my own thing.
And it's really important, at least for me that I'm allowed.
And I don't feel like bad. I don't feel guilty for not
spending x amount of time with someone because in my opinion,
you don't have to spend a certain amount of time with
someone for them to be your friend moving forward is Action.
Oh, like communication. As we know is just again, a
foundation, a huge Foundation to any relationship and what good
communication skills does for a relationship is it allows you to
have tough conversations when they need to be had.
And that does happen. Like there are going to be
things that come up. There's going to be, hey, I
noticed you said this thing and it actually made me feel.
Sway. Is that what you meant or did
you mean to say something else? Or did I mishear you or did I
misread the situation? Can you give me more context?
Etc, etc. If you have people who are
avoidant or the opposite, you know, they're trying to fight
and they're really combative that can be exhausting and eat
as much as you might be able to influence the way that they
communicate. You can't necessarily teach
someone one or at least, you shouldn't have to labor over
teaching, somebody how to have good communication skills.
Again, I think that comes back to the individual and it's a
responsibility for the individual to know how to
apologize. One apologizing needs to happen
like knowing how to express, how they're actually feeling in an
honest way being able to communicate.
What happened in a situation. Lee and go back and be able to
say, okay, this is what happened.
This is why I felt why I was feeling this is why.
I said the thing that I said and yeah, again maybe even being
able to apologize and to me, it's so so important that the
people in my life are emotionally mature enough to be
able to have hard conversations because I just can't fuck around
with shit anymore. These days.
Like I just can't, I had too many great people.
Come into my life that I don't need people who are not Willing
to hold their weight and even in Seasons, when I feel like I have
less friends for me, I know the standard because I've seen
people who are good awesome people in my life, which is
something I didn't have at one point and I used to really let
friends just kind of like walk all over me in a way or like I
would try to be the people pleaser in the situation.
I would try to please them. Make sure that they were happy
and everybody sorted. Knows what time we're going to,
what place and where we're going.
And everyone has the information they need and making sure
everyone feels like they got a little call from me so they feel
comfortable. And I feel like I was trying to
hold so much space for people and it's something that I've
actually even recently, as well have been working on is allowing
people to hold space for themselves and not making it my
responsibility to, like I said, teach people how to communicate
or to try to pull the The truth out of somebody.
If somebody wants to they will and when you have people around
you that do show that to you it's like oh wow.
Like this is what I deserve and actually it was the same for me
with my relationship with my partner.
Like I had been in a really shit relationship for years and I had
also gone through other like you know, situation ship types
things and also had been treated poorly and then eventually found
a partner who Gave me so much like of what I actually deserve.
And the moment I had that and felt really confident that
relationship. I was like, holy shit, I wish I
had when I was younger this picture of what I would be
getting in the future. Because at least I would know
that I had that to look forward to because for so long.
I felt like I was just like man, our trash shit's fucked up,
everyone's going to screw you over at the end of the day.
You're the only person that you can trust and I've actually
unlearned a lot of those really unhealthy thinking patterns
because I've had good people come into my life, but that also
took in this is a key point that also took me doing the work on
me. So that when I get into
conversations, I'm also good at communicating.
I'm also good at looking at the problem and going.
Okay. How can we find a solution?
I'm also good at, not always, but good at, you know, Rising.
And it's really important that if you want good quality humans
in your life that you're also making sure that you are working
on growing and all these things that you would look for in a
friend or even a partner, of course, that can also apply my
last green. Red, white green red flag.
Oh my God. Wait, what?
My last green flag. That's, that's so hard to say
and I don't know why is humor. There is nothing.
Fucking better than sitting with your friends and just giggling
about shit. Just like having the funniest
little, like, it's just so fun and I love it.
I like love a good group chat. I love a good friend group chat
a whole meme situation being sent back and forth.
Like I just love it, I eat it up.
It's like my bread and butter like mmm and it's just there's
nothing better than being with like-minded people.
And like I said, like you sometimes you have like
different versions of your humor so you can have like different
People that you joke about like different things with.
But that is just, this is kind of more of a personal one.
That's just so so important to me.
And when you find people that you can just have fun with
people that make life feel light.
It's just so beautiful. So yeah.
I think those are my green flags.
I'm sure there's more but those are the few that I would say are
like my top priorities. And now let's get into the red
flags. So my first red flag is
jealousy. Two parts to this so jealousy
towards you which is shit and it can happen to anybody.
There are always things that you are going to have that are
better than your friends. And there's things that your
friends are going to have that's like quote, you know, quote
unquote better than you if you want to frame it that way.
It's really hard to have a friend who doesn't genuinely
feel happy for you, when good things come into your life, like
maybe, They say all that. So excited.
I'm so happy for you or maybe they say like, oh wow, that's
crazy. I can't believe that's happened
for you. Like I can't believe you got
that job when like you haven't even like worked in that field
before. Oh my God.
Are they say things like? Oh you know I've been trying for
that for years like you're so lucky or they discount the
things that you get, you know, I'm talking about like they kind
of like cheap in it. They kind of like act like oh it
was just just it was just luck or it was just easy for you when
you know, that it was not just easy for you.
That is the shittiest feeling in the world because it just makes
you feel again, like not empowered, not excited.
And even if they say the words, if you can tell that they don't
feel it, you can tell some of us are more intuitive than others.
I will say that but if you are one of those people were, you
can feel it. Who it's it is a red flag and
you are not crazy. These little feelings about
people. I was so, so, so strongly.
Believe that your intuition is a super powerful tool that we do
not talk about enough. And whether you want to call
that your Intuition or, you know, that gut feeling or
whatever it is, it's that thing that just as kind of unspoken
you almost don't have evidence like proper evidence to back up,
why you're feeling that way but you just get a vibe.
And if you get the vibe keep an eye on it, I'm not saying, oh,
hex that friend out, you know, because sometimes people say
things, weird, or they don't communicate very well or they're
distracted or maybe they do have a tiny bit of like jealousy but
then they work on it and then they realize later that maybe
they weren't the best towards it or, you know, give people Grace.
But if you notice this consistently with somebody who
it is tiring, it's heavy. And in my opinion not worth your
time. I would then say as well.
Part 2 to the jealousy issue, is when someone is jealous of you
being with others, as in like, they are possessive.
Oh, this is the worst shit in the world because when you feel
like you can't, you have to, like, say hi to from a friend
that you're hanging out with another friend because we didn't
invite them. It's just so shit.
And I remember like way back way way when I was like maybe like
15 or something. Like I Even younger, I remember
wanting to hang out with certain friends individually and I had a
friend group but there's like, six of us.
And we're all girls all in this group and sometimes I would just
want to hang out with one of them and I would be so scared.
We get to school like the next day and we'd be like, don't talk
about the fact that I don't talk about it because they're going
to like they're gonna get mad. They're gonna be all pissed off
and it was such a like toxic environment to be in because you
just didn't feel like you were allowed to have individual
relationships with people. It is Job to own your
friendships. And if you say introduce people
to like other people, if you introduce your friends to your
friends and they hit it off in my opinion, that should be
something that makes you excited.
Like, oh my God, great, I love this person.
I love this other person. And now they love each other.
And now we can all hang out. And yes, there are certain
circumstances like, if it's like an X or if something, you know,
bad had happened in the in the past.
And you just kind of gives like A gentle warning like, oh, just,
you know, this can happen with this person and they weren't the
best that think that's different, but when it's just,
like, friends hanging out with other friends and people meet
each other, like, that's Community.
That's how you build community. And that's the best thing in the
world. And I hate that.
I hate dealing with people who are just like so cut by.
You wanting to like expand and be with other people jealousy is
just so yucky so so yucky and it's so Productive.
I think it is a valid feeling that everyone has at some point
and it is difficult. It's a very difficult feeling
but still it is yours to hold and it is your friends to hold
and if they can't manage that feeling of jealousy.
To the point that they make you feel bad for being around.
Other people, that is toxic extremely toxic, that is a
fucking red flag and being controlling Or possessive of
another person is shitty and not a way to be a good friend.
So, number two, here is a lack of effort.
I love the idea of bids for attention.
If you send your friend a meme and they say something back, or
they give a little, like, that's a bid for attention.
You validate their bid for attention, it's a way to
communicate that you See them. If somebody is in a
conversation, you're in a group of people and you're there with
a friend and that friend doesn't know a lot of people and they
make a comment in the group and people just don't seem to
respond back or whatever and you jump in and you go oh my God.
Yeah I was talking about that the other day and blah blah blah
and you helped include them in the conversation.
That is so kind. That is like so such a good way
to be a good friend and it shows Those effort and it shows that
you are just you have good intentions for that person.
And obviously as well, maybe spending time with people is a
love language for you, or for your friends and knowing that
about your friends is really important as well because some
people really need that I have friends where I see them once a
month and that's all we need and we have a great time and we have
ketchups and we love it. And we're both too busy that we
can't see each other, you know, every other day.
But It's great in that works for us.
And then I have other friends where it's like we literally see
each other every other day or and if we don't we like FaceTime
or we send each other with messages back and forth to
update each other and that's what works for us.
And it's really important that you're both aware of the bids
for attention and that could be again like a text, a comment,
anything I was going to say an email that I was like, what the
fuck? No, not an email.
Unless you look unless you like email, your friends, you're on
your pen pal. Shit.
That's kind of cool. But yeah not me that's not my
vibe. Um but yeah I think lack of
effort is a huge red flag if you just feel like they are not
responsive or they just don't really seem to care, you can
probably take that as a sign that they're not going to be a
super solid person in your life which is you know fine.
But what I would say is don't waste your time and ultimately
you can have a conversation with them and say, hey I noticed that
you don't really seem to want to hang out or I don't I'm not
really seeing you often anymore. Maybe is anything going on?
Or is there a reason for that? Because potentially there could
be something that happened and they're just avoidant and they
don't want to have to have the hard conversation.
So they're choosing to just kind of let you go as a friend, which
would suck, but is more common than I think or then, you know,
you'd think and so Even the conversation can be helpful, but
ultimately again if they wanted to, they fucking would so just
be aware of that and my last red flag is dishonesty and coming
all the way back to my first point.
My first green flag, which was honesty, and trust, a lack of it
just means that you're not going to have space, right?
You're not going to feel safe and that safe.
Comfortable, feeling of a friend, is what friendship is
all about? And if you do catch yourself, or
cannot get yourself, go catch your friend, sorry in a lie, or
some sort of thing, where, you know, that they've not quite
told the truth. I think it's important to call
it out early on. I know that's uncomfortable.
Sometimes, but the last thing you want to do is allow someone
that behavior. They know that they have that
behavior and they think it's okay.
And they continue with that behavior because it only builds
and it only gets worse and I will say that I've been lied to
by friends. I've been like I've had huge
huge breaches of trust and again extremely hurtful but looking
back, I've had, I had red flags the whole time.
I had things that seemed a bit sketchy.
I He's really go up and we'd move on from the conversation
and fuck like a part of me wishes that I could literally go
back and change that. And I don't say that often, and
so if you ever feel like there's some dishonesty going on that
obviously affects you not just that person being uncomfortable
to share something, but it's like they're actually actively
lying about something. Call it out.
Don't waste your time. Yeah.
Last A points little bonus points here is, like I said
earlier, you can have friends for different seasons.
You can have friends that you hang out with in different
atmospheres and kind of like in different purposes, like a
friend that you go to the gym with, you know, and it's like
that's kind of all you do together but you have a good
time doing that together or like work, friends, you know?
Is another really good example of that.
That's something that I've seen definitely flow in and out of my
life for my whole life. Another point is, that
outgrowing friendships is normal and nobody failed sometimes.
She'll just grow apart and that's totally fine.
And lastly, seasons of having less friends is normal seasons
of having more friends. Is normal life changes
constantly. You know, you get new jobs, you
change schools, you go out one night and you meet a whole group
of people you can become obsessed with them for, like, a
few weeks. And then maybe something
situationally will change, right?
Things come and go. And if you are listening to
this, And you're still here and you feel like lonely thinking
like these are things that I want to have in France.
Like these are things that oh yes, I've totally relate with
the fact that dishonesty rips apart people.
And I've been fucked over to and I it's just so hard for me to
make friends now because I don't trust anyone.
If you feel that and you feel a bit lonely, just know that that
doesn't have to be forever. And even people like my mom who
growing up she always used to be like I don't need friends.
I've got you kids. Just actually really common and
I used to always give her shit for that even now she's like I
was on face time with her today and she was like, yeah, I'm
going on a girls trip and a few weeks like we just, we are
thinking about how we went on a few months ago, and it was so
much fun, and we need to go again and I was like, whoa.
Like this is so funny because my mom never used to be like this.
So throughout your whole life seasons will change and it's
totally normal to feel a bit out of touch with people.
And I would encourage you to just reach out to people.
Opal and it creates new connections.
And if you want to hear more about this topic, please feel
free to go back and listen to actually did an episode Pretty
recently as well about friendships, but this is kind of
the follow-up because I got a lot of questions that were like
similar along the lines of what we talked about today, but you
can go to my past episodes about friendships where I talk more
about like how to make new friends and how to get out of
your comfort zone and how to push yourself to connect with
new people because you'd be shocked at how Amazing like new
connections can be and when you get into the flow of making new
friends, you get more used to it and it becomes so much less
scary over time. So that's all I have to share
with you guys today. Thank you so much for listening.
Again, if you guys are new here, then, thank you so much for just
being a part of this space and we have a Facebook group
actually as well called the she said what podcast group and it's
just a place where update you guys on episodes.
And if you ever need support in, An area of your life and you
want to put it out to the community.
There's like a few hundred of us over there now.
And a lot of really, really amazing people where I say in
the group, a list of like rules and things that we abide by and
it's a safe space for you if you want it.
So, that's there for you. And again, if you want to find
me on Instagram or Tick, Tock, you can find me at Alyssa
Taylor. Hi.
And if you want to leave a rate or review or you know whatever,
whatever on Spotify. Or apple podcast.
That would be a dream. And that's everything.
Guys. Thank you so.
So much for listening and I will see you next week.
Bye guys.