You're listening to. She said what with your house
Alyssa Harper? Hello sexy people.
Welcome back to. She said, what if you have not
been here before then I just want to welcome you.
You are welcome. Whoever you are wherever you
come from. This is a space for you.
To come to become the best version of yourself.
She said what is all about sex, sexuality relationships,
especially your relationship with yourself and self growth?
It's basically your relationship with yourself and Other people.
So today I'm going to be giving you my 23 life lessons.
This is the birthday Edition because I'm turning 23 this week
and I just thought look, I've been through it, I've been
through the wringer a little bit moved across the world when I
was 18 which is great obviously and very fun and amazing and we
love that but also it taught me a lot and there's a lot of like
struggles that came with that been through a lot to do with
Changing who I am really like coming out of my shell, if you
will from growing up being like religious and having a lot of
like blocks on what I could and couldn't do a lot of Shame and I
had to break down a lot of that to get to where I am now.
So I thought let's do a life lessons episode.
Alright let's get right into it little update on my week as per
use so it's my birthday coming. Obviously, that's going to be on
Thursday. I'm super excited because I went
to an event a while back with Amazon Prime like Prime video to
see it was Daisy Jones and the six, the first two episodes of
that, it was an amazing event and they said that on the night,
they were going to gift somebody with a stay at the Ace Hotel,
which is a beautiful new hotel. In Surry Hills here in Sydney
and I went to this event and I didn't think anything of it and
then they messaged me the next Day and they gave it to me which
was so so so kind. And so I was gifted this
experience with going to dinner and everything so I decided to
use it for my birthday. So I'm going to be doing that
this week. I'm so excited.
And yeah, so that's coming up this week.
Other than that for the past week I have had a friends going
away. She's moving to New York, she's
going to acting school which is amazing for her, sad for me
because she's my friend and she's leaving me.
But to be fair, I left all my friends in Canada.
So like that. It's what I get, but we had
that, and then that's basically it.
I've been doing a lot of work this week.
I, I've never had these ten hour days where I've just been like,
set up my laptop editing stuff planning stuff for the podcast
and social media, and everything and it's been great.
Obviously, this is what I want to do.
I wouldn't do it. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't
put in as much work as I do if I didn't want to.
So, it's been a good work week, very proud of myself.
But yeah, it's nice to be Into the swing of things now that I'm
working from home and doing everything here.
And like, you know, getting used to doing social media full-time
and everything. So that's been fun and that's
it. That's a little update for you.
I'm excited to be turning 23. It's going to sound so dumb.
But like in my mind, it feels a bit old in comparison to 22 like
22. The key I'm feeling 22.
You know when you're 23 you're like ooh it's coming you know 25
is coming and then 30 is coming and then I'm like literally
going to die. And so Here for a Good Time, not
a long time but I'm Excited. I'm excited for my birthday and
I'm excited to be able to like spend it with friends and family
and people that I really, really love and cherish and that I have
people in my life because, you know, spoiler I didn't have
friends back in the day and I feel like a lot of birthdays.
I really like struggled because I was like, I just wish I had
people to spend it with. I wish that like I had a good
friend group, you know? And now that I feel like I have
that it is like just such a blessing for lack of a better
word and It's just something that I'm like really, really
grateful for. So had a good week.
We actually did do a thing for my birthday as well with a bunch
of my friends like a week ago. Maybe a bit premature but it was
because there was another friend going away to New York and I
needed to get her to be there and so we did it early.
But yeah. So that was really, really
lovely. And I'm happy.
I'm having a really good week and I'm having a really good
day. I woke up today just like
feeling energized and good which is a shock because I went out
last night and you know what? So So funny last night I was
saying this because I was eating as I was drinking.
When I was out, I went to bed last night and I was like, I had
eight drinks tonight which is like a lot for me.
Like that's that's a lot for me and I feel like I didn't feel
it. Like I literally felt like I was
sober the whole night, it was the weirdest thing in the world.
I don't know what was going on but a bit of a waste of my money
in my right, but just getting but, yeah.
So that's been my last 24 hours. We're going to get right into my
23 life lessons. I have a whole list of them.
We're going to start out of course.
Number one, which is to listen to your body.
Something that I think I didn't used to do like in high school
and whatever was listening to my body.
Like I used to be like, oh I'm so tired.
I feel like shit. I'm on my period or whatever but
I'm just gonna force myself, I would always say.
There's okay, sometimes you need to force yourself and it's
funny. I think my mom used to say that
all the time, so I probably got it from her.
Thanks Mom. But I literally used to be like,
okay, now I'm going to force myself, I'm just gonna go, I'm
gonna push through and I did it with so many things that I think
I was just Constantly exhausted like I used to in high school.
Say I was tired all the time. Oh, how are you?
I'm good. I'm just like so tired because I
like really overexerted myself whereas I think in the last few
years I've really learned to trust my body and listen to my
body and if I'm having a day where I don't have that energy
to go and be social and whatever I set the boundary and I don't
go and I don't force myself into doing anything anymore.
And it's really just helped me to create this like cycle where
I'm like, flowing with what my body actually.
Wants me to do. And I end up being like so much
more productive so much happier, and my relationships are so much
better because I actually communicate when I need to take
time off. And I need to have a break and
I'm at like I allow myself to do that and this absolutely comes
back to life cycle thinking as well, which I talked about all
the time but like cycle sinking is going into all the different
phases of your menstrual cycle and understanding where you can
apply what you need in that season of your argue that phase.
I Should say of your cycle, which is something that you can
listen to my other episodes about.
I'm not going to go on about it. But that is something that I was
like, truly, truly changed my life.
So listening to your body is number one.
Number two, comparison is the killer of joy, and I'm sure
you've probably heard this before and you're like, yeah,
blah, blah, I get it. But look, it really, really is
like if you compare yourself to the people that are around you
and you are constantly feeling like you are lesser than then
you're going to act as if right? You are going to act as if you
are lesser. And you're going to not really
make plans with people or reach out to people.
You're going to think why would they want to hang out with me?
Oh what? Like I'm not as good as them or
like I'm not as far in my career or you know they're older than
me or they're wiser than me or they have a bigger friends
circle than me and they seem so well connected and I'm not and
you put yourself in this box so you don't go out and meet people
or go to events or like, go do things that potentially make you
a little bit nervous because you just feel like it's not, it's
not for you and You're down here and you should like stay in your
lane, which is bullshit. You shouldn't compare yourself
to the people around you, or even to the people that you just
see on social media, because you never know what's going on
behind closed doors. And even when people reach out
to me and they say things like, oh my God, like I just wish I
could get to where you are with being comfortable in your skin
or this is this is this. I'm like guys I have so many
days where I do not like myself. I have so many days where I'm
like uh like I just don't feel good.
I don't know what Is I need to figure it out like I'm just not
myself today. Like I have that all the time I
have days where I look at my body and I think like oh like I
really let myself go, which is like ridiculous.
But like I do have that and I think everybody has that.
And if you think you're the only one and you're absolutely not
try as much as you can to not compare yourself.
And I would say that somebody that helped me with that is not
like following people who I would want.
I compare myself to or not assuming that all of these
people are in the best place of their lives.
Because you really never know, which is why we need to be like
following people in social media who are transparent about what
goes on in their life, and look up to and Associate yourself
with people that get around people who are just real and
honest. And the more you do that, the
more comfortable, you're going to be in your skin.
Number three, is that life is too short to be in a
relationship that Doesn't bring you Joy.
Whether that is a friendship or like a romantic loving
relationship. If you are not feeling like it
is consistently or like overall making, you a happy person in,
you're feeling good and confident around that person.
Then you don't need to have that person in your life and I think
naturally we keep ties with people based off of things that
we actually shouldn't but we think we're meant to like
history, you know. But I have a history of them
are. I've been friends with him for
years, so it's It's fine. If they're gonna shit, all over
me and tell me I suck and like make me feel like I can't do the
things I want to do or undermine me or whatever.
No, you absolutely do fucking not, you do not need to have
those people in your life and especially when it comes to
romantic relationships. If you are not feeling like
this, is somebody that really makes me feel safe and I want to
be with them and I love them and I'm excited to have them in my
life if it's just like a oh yeah, well at least I have a
boyfriend, you know, or At least I'm not single because I just
don't want to be single. Like, that is not worth it, if
anything go learn to be single and then come into a
relationship where you actually feel like you're getting
something from that relationship and it's like fulfilling your
needs because if it's not in the more time you spend in it, the
more you're going to go back into that thing of being like,
well, I have a history with this person that history is only
going to get longer and longer. You know, so definitely if you
can find that courage in, you bite the bullet and get out of a
relationship. If you Need to and I know that
if you think you need to, you know, I'm talking to you right
now, maybe that's been you before, but it's not you right
now, and if it is then slay, Levi number for go to therapy,
go to therapy. Okay?
Therapy is for everybody therapy is something that can help you
in any season, you can be doing the best you've ever done in
your life. But whether you are moving into
a new season or starting a new job or doing anything that even
challenges you slightly, it's amazing to have support and I
know That counselors and psychologists.
And all of that is very expensive and not everybody has
access to it. But there are definitely other
resources that you can go for that are free and just other
ways that you can get support as well, which I can link some of
those below for you guys, but if you have accessibility to it, I
would so recommend you go see a therapist, it's never too late
to start it. I've talked about this before on
here, but I had an eating disorder when I was, well, you
know, Well, you never don't have it, but I really struggled with
an eating disorder when I was like, 14, 15 16 and the little
bit longer as well realistically, but it was really
bad when I was younger and it was like in and like would go to
the anorexia clinic and would have to, like, leave school to
go to all these appointments. Like it was fucked.
It was really bad time in my life and going to therapy,
literally healed. Me, it actually worked who the
fucking thought? Yeah, a doctor, who knows what
they're doing? Yeah, sorted my shit right out,
and now Like I have this relationship with food.
We're like, I just don't have to worry, I don't have to count
everything. I don't have to like be so
controlling, like I can just eat what I want when I want.
And I feel good about my body and I have a good balance with
it and that took time. But like the support of an
actual professional was, like, what I needed.
And when I struggled with anxiety and depression, a lot
when I was having panic attacks and all of that, I used the
therapy to really help me and I feel like it just changed my
life, like a helped me. So so, so much and I'm actually
Going back to therapy again because I feel like I just could
use that extra support and I think it's something that
everyone needs at some point and again it's never too late.
My partner Sam. He did therapy for the first
time about a year ago and I remember he was so nervous and
he was like, oh, like it's gonna be so weird and I'm going to
tell me what to do and I'm gonna have to tell them all about like
who I am. And like I have to explain all
these things, two things to them and be so honest not so scary
and yes, it can be very scary at the start.
You get used to it. And it can become quite a
comforting thing in even if it's hard and every time you leave
and in tears and you're like, oh my God, that was intense, it's
worth it, you have to work through it and yeah, do it.
Go to therapy. Okay, number five, is that
honesty is the key to healthy relationships.
I think that some of us grow up in families where honesty is not
prioritized, like you see, the way that maybe your parents kind
of fibbed to each other. They have these little things
that you notice that, They don't quite tell the truth to each
other and they might think that they're protecting the other
person, but I think that's bullshit.
I really think that if you're going to have a deep honest
connection, with someone, you have to be able to say what you
are thinking, what you are feeling, you have to be able to
do that. And it also comes up in
friendships, obviously, as well. Like, if I say to one of my
friends, I'm sorry. I can't come tonight.
I'm sick. I don't think that's really
great communication at all. Whereas if I say to them,
honestly I just I think I need some time for myself.
Or I think I'm actually going to spend time with this friend and
said, because we really need to catch up that boundary that
being able to say like this is actually what I need in.
This moment is so important and I would really encourage you to
be as honest as you can in all of your relationships because
it's only going to help you to grow a more authentic connection
with the people in your life. Number six is that sex is not
the end, all be L to healthy relationships.
I feel like for a long time because I was working through
During out shame that I had with sex from growing up and I really
like wanted, you know, sex to be perfect in my life.
I like had such a focus on it and I would get this anxiety
around not having enough sex or not having the kind of sex I
wanted to be having or maybe not having an orgasm.
Every time I had sex and I feel like I would really judge my
relationship with somebody that I loved so much.
Based off of how good the sex was on a regular basis.
And the thing is, especially if you are someone who Has a
menstrual cycle and your hormones are changing all the
time. You're not going to be
consistent in your wants. It's very likely that you're not
going to always want sex, right? There's nothing wrong with you.
If you have periods of your life where you are just not
interested in sex at all. You don't have to necessarily
identify with it. You don't have to you know freak
out about it. You don't have to question it.
You can just allow it to be and you never know when it's going
to come back and I think it's really important that you don't
like stress out on your relationship because the sex
isn't exactly do what you want every single time because we are
all human and sex. Isn't this thing that needs to
look a certain way? It's just a way for us to like
play and experience and love and grow together.
And I think it's important that we don't judge ourselves and
judge the people that were with based off of how the sex is.
And also this might be a bit of like a hot take, but I really
feel like there's this narrative that like, you know, men just
can't satisfy By women and they don't know where the clit is and
they don't know anything and they're sucking Bubba blah blah.
I think it's also up to us if you are identifying as a woman
to in like in that kind of relationship, I should say
straight relationship. That if you're in that scenario
don't expect that they are going to know what you want because
even if they are like super experienced and like super well
aware of like anatomy and they really care about your pleasure
and they're an amazing person. That doesn't mean they're going
I know what you want because you could want something completely
different to the last person that they've been with or
someone that they were with for a long time, you never know.
So, if we don't communicate what we want and then we sit here and
we label people and say that they're bad at sex or you know
they just don't care about my pleasure or they didn't try hard
enough or they didn't you know they didn't do this.
This is this. It's also up to us to
communicate what we want and you don't have to do that in the
bedroom so to speak because that can be very daunting.
Thing. You can do that outside, you
know, I would very much encourage you.
If you don't already with your partner to talk about sex
outside of a sexy scenario, I think that is the best time to
talk about it because it allows you to take that pressure off
and no one's scared of like ruining the moment.
You know, if you bring up something that you want to try
that, you don't know that if they're going to want to try it.
There's no pressure to try it in the moment.
It's just like, oh, I was thinking I would like to try
like this type of lube or this toy or this position or this
kind of like Kink thing. You know, you can like bring it
up in a way where you don't have to worry about them being like
um, no that's so weird. And I'm so turned off right now.
You know, talk about it outside of that sexual scenario because
it is the best time. And yeah, I just think it's
foreplay. It should be for fun and we
should do our best to not stress out over it because it's just a
part. It's just a part of the
relationship. Number 7, speaking of play is to
play more and to do it for fun to do it.
Experience like that has been something that I've been loving.
In the past year is playing more piano painting, just like going
on walks and having a fun time and listening to music and
dancing more around my house, like, singing just play, like,
you are a creative being, who has all of these potential
Outlets that are so like creative and beautiful.
And you can create something right now.
That is just something from you and that is so beautiful.
If I just think, like, The Human Experience is so incredible and
if you are wasting your time, constantly trying to create a
product or trying to create this, like outcome or do
something perfectly, then you're not going to enjoy doing it.
I know for me, if I sit down to play piano and I'm playing and I
make a mistake and it makes me go.
Oh, and I get stressed about it. I don't want to be there.
I'm not going to want to go sit at my piano more often.
Whereas, if I allow that messiness in that wrong note to
like, Be a part of what I'm doing.
Then I feel like I'm like fully in it and I'm just like immersed
in it and I'm just playing to play.
And if you do something creative for your job I would encourage
you to also take time to do it in just a fun creative playful,
kind of way. And don't always expect there to
be like a result or a product to come out of it because your
output is not what matters when it comes to creativity.
Sometimes you need to have like 90% of it be just like for fun
for play for learning for growth and then that 10% is going to be
so good that you actually put out and use or post or you know,
like actually put out that song or whatever share with others
because you've taken the time to figure out what you actually
genuinely. Like to do what comes natural to
you when you're just in that like placed eighth in your in
that flow state. So really, really encourage you
just for your brain and for your joy to find things that You feel
good and sometimes you can think about those things that you did
when you were younger, because often, we forget those things.
And we know with women, there are a lot, higher rates of
women, dropping out of things like, Sport, and arts, and all
of those things. Because we don't feel like it's
providing anything for anyone and that comes back to a lot of
patriarchal things that we are taught growing up about
ourselves, but you deserve it, you deserve to enjoy your life
and to just play number eight, is that Your mental health is so
deeply tied to your physical health.
I think I didn't realize this for a lot of years I used to
think like okay I'm going to focus on my mental health this
month and then I'm going to focus on my physical health next
month. And then again you need to have
a balance like everything is so intricately involved and like
the way that your brain needs food to have fuel to be able to
think clearly to like regulate your emotions, the way that you
need sleep to be. Able to like be creative.
And again, like be able to be fucking insane within your
brain. Everything is so deeply tied
into itself. And if you're feeling like
stressed in like just stuck or like, you know, anxious within
your body, sometimes you literally need to stretch, you
literally need to physically, move your body.
You need to find movement in your body and get to a place
where you're like. Whoa, my body feels so much
better. I feel like I can put my
shoulders down. Now because I actually exercised
and moving my face, so much away from the mic.
But you, you can actually like relaxed because you've taken the
time to stretch out your neck and like roll your shoulders and
like stand up straight and work on that posture.
And it just is so important for you to think of the different
elements of like your physical health when you're trying to
heal your mental health and learn to emotionally regulate
because it's not separate, it's definitely not separate.
Number nine, is that it The basic shit when it comes to your
health that is going to keep you healthy and sane.
It is like the pillars, like drinking lots of water, eating
food, that is going to feel, you getting exercise, having sleep
being in nature and having healthy relationships with the
people around you. It is like the things that you
think you just assume are good in your life, but maybe they
aren't, like, often were so drawn to finding like a healthy.
Alternative thing to get us there like we want to go get
that supplement. It's usually very pushed to us
when it comes to ads and whatnot as well to like eat this certain
type of food and make sure you go on this specific cleanse and
you do this type of movement and do this and do that.
And we're not getting a like the bare minimum of sleep every
night. You know, we're not drinking
water at all, but we're not even eating until like later in the
day like I used to do this all the time, you know.
And I would think like Let's get up.
Let's do my meditation. Okay, let's have my morning
routine. And then I'm what?
Not eating until 2 p.m. you're going to get tired, but you're
gonna feel like shit, babe, you're gonna feel anxious.
You're going to feel overwhelmed because you're not using all of
the basic things in your life, to keep you healthy.
And if you're trying to go on any kind of like a health
journey, I would encourage you to write down those things.
Break it down individually and see where you can like level up.
And each of those individual areas of your life before you
get into all the fucking protein powders and all the bullshit
don't waste your time doing all these crazy detailed things if
you're not going to do the basics because those are the
things that are going to be the foundation for the rest of your
health Journey. Number nine.
Nope, that was number nine. Number 10 that we're onto a sexy
one. This is to use Lube used toys,
use whatever tools that Need to make your sex life.
What you want it to be. There is no shame in using Lube.
Lube is something. That is your friend, especially,
if you're using toys because you are adding something in that
isn't naturally, obviously lubricated.
And you need a little extra judging and that is totally fine
and all the different phases of your cycle.
Your body is going to respond differently to sex.
You can be super aroused super interested in the person and not
be wet. And I think for A long time.
This is sodium. I but like, when I was like in
high school and stuff, I would have sex with my boyfriend and I
would be anxious about not being wet because I was like if I'm
not wet the he's gonna think that I don't like one it or I'm
not into him or it's going to make him feel bubble bubble
blah. Like I would feel like there was
something wrong with my body but there's not okay sometimes you
need a little extra help and that is totally fine.
Some people are naturally a lot more wet like all the time and
some people are not and there's nothing wrong.
With either way, use what you need to use, okay?
And also especially when it comes to toys, like I love toys,
I fucking love toys. You guys know that I love them
and I'm a big like advocate for it because you often most vulva
owners need some stimulation clitoral e to be able to have an
orgasm. So if your goal is to be able to
have an orgasm which it doesn't have to be.
But if it is then use what you have at your disposal.
Okay, I would recommend suction toys.
I think they are delicious and amazing.
But vibrators, of course. And then there are so many other
things, so many, so many things for like being able to insert
them. And, you know, different kind of
vibrations and settings and modes, there's a lot to play
around with. But I would definitely encourage
you to try it because I meet so many people who are like I've
never tried one before. I've never used it for and I'm
like and then they try it and they're like, oh wow!
Wow! Like the amount of friends that
I've taken. To get there first, like,
vibrator, you're welcome, you're welcome everybody.
Alright, number 11, is that you are never going to arrive.
You are never going to arrive. In the only real thing is the
present like the only real legitimate thing right now is
the present. And this is a bit of like a
mindfuck because I think I think a lot of like the past and I
wake up and I go, oh, was I weird last night or did I say
anything? Weird.
Oh my God, was I awkward or well-liked?
Am I doing okay am I working hard enough?
Oh, you know I think about the past a lot even if it's a recent
past I sit still the past, right?
Or I think about the future like okay, I can't wait till one day,
I'm like living in this kind of house or have this kind of money
or I'm doing this stuff like that's going to be so cool and
I'm going to be so happy and I can't wait one day, I'm going to
be happy and if you constantly feel like one day, you're going
to be happy and you're going to arrive somewhere.
It's never going to come. It's not going to come.
You need to enjoy. Step of the journey and you need
to be able to like, sit in the present and figure out what in
the president is going to make you happy.
I saw some of the other day, it was a tick tock and he's talking
about the domino effect, which is, I don't know if this is
technically the domino effect, but he was calling it that it is
basically something that is psychologist was telling him
about where in your day you wake up in the morning, you might be
waking up feeling horrible, you might be waking up feeling,
amazing, but every single thing that you do is going.
To be like a domino and it's going to change how you go on
with your day. So if you wake up feeling like
shit, you can choose to change that.
This is something that I have realized so much recently as
well. I have woken up many days
recently and not felt great. I don't know what it is.
It's just a mental health thing a little bit.
I part of why I'm going back to therapy, but I've had many days
where I just haven't woken up feeling the best.
And so, what do I do? Like anybody else.
I want to lay in bed. I want to shut off.
I want to ignore everybody or I Scroll on take talk, I want to
avoid. I want to do everything but deal
with how I'm feeling. But what I've been challenging
myself to do recently is to get up into change it.
Like okay. What do I know that makes me
happy? What do I know that brings me,
joy? I know food brings me joy.
So breakfast is great. Let's go for some breakfast.
Okay, let's make sure we eat something.
Let's make myself some breakfast because I know I'm going to feel
satisfied knowing that I made myself something.
I know that listening to music makes me happy.
Sometimes I'll just listen to music.
Go on a walk. I listen to music in the house
while I'm kind of cleaning up a little bit because I know that
mix of like getting something done that.
Like serotonin long-term happiness is going to come with
it. But also that like quick release
of dopamine of hearing my favorite song is also going to
come like think about how your brain actually works and hack it
like use what you know about what you like and make that
domino effect because now you're feeling a little bit better and
then you're going to start doing your next task.
You're going to feel a little bit better doing that task and
it's only going to get better and better and you can choose
how Your day goes, like, if you aren't feeling good right now,
you can choose to do something that's going to make you feel
better. Even if there are something
overarching in your life, that is hurtful like a breakup or
your grieving, or you're going through a hard season, mentally,
whatever is going on, you're going through a change of a job
or you're experiencing some sort of anxiety, whatever it is.
You can still choose to have good days amongst all of that.
And I would really encourage you to try to figure out and maybe
even make a list of all of the things that make you feel good
that you know, work and then you can try it and if the first one
doesn't work, then do the other one, you know make the breakfast
while you listen to the music and dance around then, go have a
shower play like your favorite podcast.
Take some time in the shower to actually like be with your body
and don't just like shut off, like try to be present and enjoy
the pleasure of like having a shower and using different
things that smell good on you you know like do all of the
things. One of them is bound to work, it
really is, you know, and some days of course, you might just
have a hard day and that's okay. And that's very, very normal.
But I would encourage you to try to figure out what does work for
you because the present is necessary to be in and you're
never going to just arrived at a happy place.
Like you need to try now to work on that and it's hard, but it's
worth it number. Twelve, your values and your
priorities are flexion of your daily habits.
That one is a bit hard because it's it, is, it hurts event
sometimes because you might be going off.
Like, I waste a lot of time. I spend a lot of time, just like
scrolling on Instagram where I spend a lot of time like maybe
bitching about it in my life. Like, you know, talking about
how unhappy I am about all these different things.
It is very important that we We are actively trying to
prioritize the things that we actually really care about and
that might be 10 minutes a day, that might be five minutes a
day, whatever. You can get yourself to do.
I would really encourage you to bring it in bit by bit.
Because if say you're someone and you really want to read
more, you know, you want to educate yourself.
You want to become someone who's like well-read and you're
knowledgeable, right? That's something that you're
like. Yeah, fuck.
Yeah, I would love to be that person but yeah.
Haven't read a book in months, maybe years.
Then maybe maybe you could buy a book, you could read 45 minutes
every night before bed. This is how I got myself back
into reading. I read 45 minutes every night.
Even just a page, even if I could just read a paragraph, you
know, whatever it was, I've literally had days where I've
like, unflagged it read like half the page and flagged it
again and gone to sleep, because I've been so tired.
But at least I got myself to read that little bit and you're
learning Bit by Bit by Bit. It the more you do it, the
easier it gets and then the more you want to do it, because your
brain gets used to this like habit of reading.
So then your brain is going. Where is my book before bed?
I can't go to sleep. Just looking at my phone.
Oh my God. Where's my book?
And now I actually think that way.
So now I have all these moments before bedroom like wait,
where's my journal? Wait, I gotta do my bedtime
Journal, like it's like my brain really wants it and it gets used
to that habitual cycle. So, do it bit by bit, get into
it bit by bit and know that over time, your values will really
Reflect in your life in a way that is Meaningful to you.
And if right now it's not reflecting them.
Then start small number 13, you deserve respect from every
single person in your life. That is including your parents,
your parental figures, whatever. That looks like for you.
That is including your partner, your girlfriend, your boyfriend,
that is including your siblings. You deserve respect from every
single person in your life. You get to choose how much Each
of a SE, they have in your life, you get to choose how much they
are in your life and as much as yes, I believe that there is a
part of you that should like respect your elders and
appreciate the things that the people that brought you up did
for you. That does not mean that you owe
anything to do with your life to them.
You don't owe them x amount of time every single week.
You don't owe them making choices on your life and on your
job on the people you're around. On the things that you say on
the things that you value based off of what your parents want
for you you need to be okay with separating yourself from who you
were as a child and becoming who you are in your adult life.
And again I'm only 23 almost and so I'm young but that's been a
huge Journey for me is growing up in realizing that I'm
actually allowed to choose what I want, who am around what I
say, what I believe. And if the people that That
raised me are not okay with that.
Then we won't have to talk about certain topics.
You know, I don't have to cut them out of my life but I don't
have to pretend that I believe anything or go along with
certain conversations without standing up for myself or my
community. That being the queer Community.
I can absolutely stand for myself and be my own human as an
adult person. And the sooner you're able to
like Make that move and change and become who you really are
the better. You're going to feel in your
skin and the more you're going to grow into the things that you
actually want to do in your life.
Because you're not constantly making choices based off of what
other people want in your life. And especially if they are like
your partner, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, you deserve
respect for them so much. You really deserve to be
respected and loved and cherished by them.
And if you are not getting that respect, if you feel like they
see you as lesser or or if you just feel like they don't
appreciate you in the way that you deserve to be appreciated.
Go and find better go and find more because you deserve it, you
really, really do. Number 14 is to stay disciplined
in the things that you genuinely care about.
It will be worth it. I have had a struggle back and
forth over the past few years where I've gone back and forth
between I want to listen to my body.
But I also want to be able to push in some Please make sure
that if you're going to push yourself, you're pushing for the
things that you want, not for other people, make sure that you
are pushing yourself to go out there and to show up for
yourself. Whether that means, you know,
creating that art or telling people about that art, or
getting that degree or going back to school for the thing,
you actually wanted to go for to school for or, you know,
changing friend groups and being around the friends.
You actually want to be around go and make the choices that you
need to make for you to be the best.
Two version of you. Because again, at the end of the
day, if you're making choices for other people, you're going
to end up unhappy, like, you're going to find li like your one
day you're going to sit down and you're gonna be like, oh shit
like, oh shit, how did I end up here?
And it's because it happens gradually, it's very sneaky.
It's very, very sneaky. And the reason I say this is
because I stayed in relationships longer than I
should have, I stayed in the church a lot longer than I
should have. I stayed in so many scenarios
longer than I needed to because every time And I had that little
feeling of like, I feel like this isn't for me, or I feel
like I shouldn't be here or I feel like this isn't what I
want. I let that automatic - thought
that pops in and tells me. No.
But you have to because this person this person this person
or you have to because what if people think blah blah blah
blah, I let that thought stop me from getting out of what I
needed to get out of it's so serious.
This episode is so serious. I can't.
Okay, I mean, I can't I need to be a bit and have a moment guys.
I just I feel like I'm just I'm I didn't realize life lessons.
I'm gonna get a bit like metal and I don't want to be like
that. This is a fun podcast, okay?
Number 15 is that you need to get comfortable with having
these in between Seasons. I chat with so many people who
are like fuck. I just want to finish my degree.
You know, I have a whole year left and I just look like I'm so
unhappy. This is not going to be a good
year, but once I'm done my degree, I'm going to be happy or
you know, once I finally moved to that dream place that I'm
saving up to move to And I'm going to be happy.
And so many of us have these like in between seasons were
like fuck. Like, you know, I just, I want
to get there. I just want to start the job.
I just want to do the thing. We need to be able to pull back
sometimes and go like, okay, I'm in an in-between season, I'm not
doing that thing. That I've been gearing up to do,
you know, I'm not doing that. Really exciting thing.
Yeah. I'm not living in that place
yet. I'm not in that relationship
yet. Maybe, you know, maybe you have
a want to be married or be in a relationship.
Long term. It's okay to be in these kind of
like in between seasons. And I should say, as well with
relationships. Maybe you are a relationship
person and like me and you kind of want that, you want that
long-term relationship. It's okay to want that.
But also know that, if you are comfortable being single and you
want to be single, then be single and you do not have to
arrive at being in a relationship at any point, being
single for your whole life can be an amazing experience and
there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
If you are looking for a relationship and you feel like
you're in this in-between, use it, use those in between
Seasons, to reflect, really back out, and figure out.
Okay, how do I want to be when I go into this place?
You know what, I want to bring with me?
Like, what do I want to step into and step into it in a
meaningful way? Don't feel again like you're
going to arrive at that place that relationship that job
whatever. And it's all going to just come
full circle and it's all going to be amazing.
I'm sure it's going to be great, but if you don't go into it, It
feeling revived because you use that in between season, if you
will, to genuinely like Revitalize yourself and like
grow yourself and get comfortable in who you are, then
you're likely going to show up in that new place and kind of
still be finding your footing and stressing out.
Where is, if you can go and feel like fully yourself and you've
used that quieter season, that lower season, maybe that like
less busy season to your advantage, it's going to be
worth it. And if you don't, then it's
gonna be sad. Don't, so I would really
encourage you to use every single season in your life.
Even if it's not where you want to be number 16 is that you have
to take you everywhere that you go, okay?
You are the only thing that is moving around.
Everywhere you go. Okay.
Yes, maybe you have like friends and Connections in your job and
all these other things in your life but you you you have to go
every single where you go. So you can plan a trip to Bora
Bora and think that's going to be amazing.
But if you are struggling With anxiety or you are struggling
with self worth, you're going to show up in Bora Bora and you're
still going to be scared to like wear that bikini or you're still
going to be scared to go and talk to people.
Like you have to realize that you are your relationship with
yourself is so so important that like deep connection that you
have with yourself that really like intuitive connected version
of you is so important to find and you can do that through so
many different things. Whether that would be like,
Self-reflection journaling type of thing, whether that would be
meditation, like yoga those types of practices, whether that
would be seeing a therapist and like figuring out, you know,
where you want to go and understanding yourself.
I would take some time to have that like self-realization as
much as you can the other night, you know, I think this is a bit
whoo. But I was in my bed and I
literally like I made the bed. Obviously I'm sitting on the bed
here I put on like it's called like fucking like beta waves or
something. It's like It's like it'll be
like 85 Hertz for your soul. Healing anxiety is like has the
funniest titles, but I love it just like it's like and I just
like, put it on light, a bunch of candles.
Get on my crystals, throw them all over the bed, lay there,
think about shit and I will literally like Journal all like
work through what I think I need to work through.
Maybe I'll have a good Journal prompt and those are the moments
where I really become, who I am like those Quiet Moments alone
to myself reflecting healing. Setting an atmosphere for me to
be able to reflect that is when like for me real change in real
growth comes out of that's where my ideas come out of.
I come up with so many ideas when I'm in that state like I
just feel like that is such a good state to be in and if you
don't have some sort of personal practice at the moment, I really
really encourage you to have something that's going to help
to ground you because it really does help you to connect with
yourself. So when you go into different
spaces, you are bringing a version of you.
You with you, that is connected and intuitive and feels good to
be in number 17 is that relationships are all about
timing it, right? They really are.
They really, really are. You can be dating a person who
is going to be amazing in five years, but you might not want to
wait for that. You might not want to have to
teach them how to be a good partner, how to communicate, how
to blah, blah, blah blah, you might not want to do that.
And that's totally fine relationships are very, very
much about time. Being in the right place at the
right time. And I do think that certain
people, you know, cross paths for a certain reason, like I
feel that. And I think that there are so
many examples of this like, you know, you come across someone's
path so many times and you just start to see them everywhere.
And I think there are situations like that that in my mind I'm
like well it happens pretty often for a lot of people.
So I think that I think it's legitimate but I do also think
that sometimes the timing is not, right.
Maybe you want to be in a relationship but you're working
through some Personal shit right now, and that's okay, take that
time like, maybe right now, if you were to find your dream
person while you're still working through some stuff, it
actually wouldn't be the right timing for you.
And as much as you might be sitting here, which I hear this
a lot with people where they're like, fuck.
I just really want to be in a relationship.
I hate being single like it just drives me crazy.
Like, I just want someone to do stuff with.
I want I get that and I know that I can feel really isolating
and really lonely, but at the same time, it is worth being in
the right spot. For you, find that person or
before you step into having like a relationship like that, with
them, timing is everything. But I do believe that things
will work out in time and time is a funny thing.
And something that you have to try not to over analyze because
it is definitely a, again, a bit of a mind.
Fuck. But just be aware that it's
okay. If right now, you feel like
you're waiting, sometimes it feels like that with time saying
that number 18 is that you don't need to be perfect before you
get into a relationship. Ship.
There is such a like a narrative that you need to be this like
perfect version of you before you step into the right
relationship and everything I with Sam.
And I first got together. I was a mess, I was not doing
well, I that's when I was really struggling with anxiety and
everything that I mentioned earlier, all the anxiety attacks
and everything he was willing to go on that Journey with me.
And this is what made that situation work is that he was
willing to be there with me and help me.
Go through my past relationship and talk to me about how I felt
about things to do with like my ex and all of that he was
willing to go on that Journey with me, he had the capacity
mentally to do that. He had the time, he had the
ability, he felt confident to go on that Journey with me, but
some people will not feel confident enough to go on that
Journey with you or you know, with their partner.
Sometimes people are not up to it, mentally emotionally for
whatever reason, and that's obviously so fine as well.
And they should give you that. Boundary and tell you that but
you don't also need to be perfect.
Like you definitely don't need to have everything sorted out.
You don't need to be this like amazing version for people to
want you. You can definitely be going
through things and you can be on that journey and you can grow
with people Sam and I what we have that is so powerful is that
we grew together so much like when we first met, we were both
very involved in the church and trying to be good for them and
trying to dress the part and look the And say the right
things and we really were, we were both struggling.
I would was arguably, you know, worse off just mentally, but he
helped me so much and then we grew so much.
We both moved away from the church we changed so much about
what we believe about like sex and relationships and how things
should be done and blah, blah blah.
Like, we went through so much growth together and it was such
a beautiful process to do that together.
And sometimes I think, like, I'm so happy that, like, we, we had
to kind of do it together, because, Cuz we aligned so much
now and it's just a it's such a cool thing that we have together
which just reminds me and I think confirms for me so much
house and will always be in my life.
Just because like, I can't, I feel like I grew up with him in
a way and that's just a really special experience to have with
someone but timing is very important and you never know
when it's going to come and you can't control everything.
And at the time when Sam and I met, I was not looking for
anything. I was not looking for a
relationship. All I was literally still I
still was dealing with stuff. Do with my ex I was mentally not
very well. I was not looking for anything
but it just happened, it just happened.
And I think that's how it happens for a lot of people.
So try not to force, it just know that it's going to happen
eventually. If that's what you're looking
for. Number 19, is that your personal
style needs to feel good. It needs to be good for you in
your body. This is something that really
liked for a long time. I think I dressed very feminine
because I knew that people applauded me for dressing
feminine. Like I knew that if I wore
something that made me look like a very pretty girl, then people
would make, you give me compliments and make me feel
good because of that external, I guess like confirmation or that
external validation. And I looked for that and I
seeked it out. So when I would go and buy an
outfit it was based off of. Okay, what does this do for the
shape of my body? How Is Big my boobs.
Like, how does this make my butt look?
What am I wearing something today?
That's going to show off my butt so when I see that person that I
like, they're going to see me and look at me a certain way
like I used to do so much when it comes to my style and how I
dress, and how I do my makeup and my hair and everything based
off of other people. And now I do it based off of
what I like and I feel a million times better going into
different spaces. Like if I show up to some party
or some event and I'm wearing something where I'm having to
worry about like the strap falling down, or it coming up.
Up and Hiking up when I'm having to adjust things all the time, I
am going to be miserable. I'm not going to be myself.
I'm not going to like laugh and have fun and like make jokes and
like have a good time the way that I normally would because I
just don't feel like confident in.
Like I can just relax in my body.
I think you should really try to figure out if you haven't
already what your personal style is because it is so fun.
It is such a good way to like, kind of figure out who you are
and to just, you know, how you dress does say a lot.
I think it does. The Kate a lot to other people
and that is a fun thing that I can also be very daunting.
It's definitely work like worth like getting into and figuring
out for yourself and just making sure that you feel good in it
because at the end of the day that is what matters the most by
far. I'm also very aware of like how
clothing feels on my body. Like if something is itchy
there's no way in hell know if it's wool know it she is.
Fuck no way if there's tags in it.
No. No no sorry if my feet feel like
weird if they're slipping around, if I'm if it's not come,
no sorry. Not today.
Like I'm just very, very aware of how things feel on my body
and if you are like that as well then make sure you probably took
my prioritize it before you go out because it will change your
mood. It'll change your whole night.
We just have a few more. Number 20 is to learn to forgive
empathy is a superpower. It really really is.
Being able to say, what would I have done in their scenario, or
to build a step into somebody's shoes, to be able to go?
I could see why that would be hard.
I could see why that would be difficult.
I could see. Maybe why you didn't want to be
honest because I can see where that fear comes from really,
really trying to step into people's shoes and grow.
Your empathy is really important.
I think it really like amplifies your experience as a human and
it helps you connect with people in a way Way that's really,
really meaningful because I can be quite avoidant when it comes
to issues in my life. If anybody ever like wrong to me
in the past I was like nah fuck them.
One chance. That's all you get.
And I would really just like I'd be like you know, fucking shame
on you. Like you fucked me over Bubba?
Bubba blah. I'm never going to trust you
again. I had a really had a lot of
issues with trust and I wasn't able to forgive people, or just
like humanize people and I'm fucking human.
I do shit wrong to I have. Hearts that, you know, probably
aren't the best or I can judge in ways that I wouldn't want to
be judged. And I know that.
And once you're able to realize that for yourself actually made
a whole episode about this ages ago, I can try to remember what
one it was, or what number was, but it was called, like,
judgment or like learn not to judge yourself, or don't judge
others for the sake of, not judging yourself or something
like that, about judgment. And it really when I got into
that and I made that up. So it was because I realized how
much that changes Changed my life.
I just love people so much more. Now, I have so much more of an
open mind towards things. I feel like people tell me their
stories and I'm really genuinely interested because I love to be
able to picture what it would like to be like to be them.
And I think empathy is so powerful and if you're not very
empathetic, if you know that you're quite cold or you can be
standoffish or you don't forgive people easily, you know, people
fuck up like fuck you over and you're very tough about it.
I would try to open that up. There's something about yes
having boundaries. Being powerful and being like
strong and that is also valuable.
But that comes with being able to forgive people.
I think strength comes with being able to have like empathy
and to be able to understand people and be able to move
forward with people and go on the journey with people and
without forgiveness, I think you miss out on life, I think you
miss out on people, you miss out on relationships that you
probably want to have if you could get yourself to forgive
and if you struggle with it a lot, Lot.
That's something that you can actually go to therapy for
because I needed to work through therapy when it came to
forgiving, like people in my family and things that I went
through, I needed to be able to like deeply, forgive somebody
and at one point I was really not able to do that.
It's a journey I went on and it's something that obviously
you know, I still probably want to work on.
I don't think you ever finish that.
I think that's a whole life long thing but it's worth it.
It's really worth it. It just makes your relationship
so much. And yeah, empathy is a big, big
superpower. It's a huge strength.
Number 21, I've kind of talked about this a little bit already,
but it's that living for other. People only pulls you further
and further away from yourself, if you're consistently making
choices based off of other people want for you, you're only
going to become further and further away from that person
that you want to be. And it's going to be that much
harder to move back towards it. Like, for me leaving the church,
was one of the fucking hardest things I had to do in my life.
It was the most difficult thing because cuz I had been making
choices for years, ears, constantly, based off of what
other people wanted. I'd get dressed in the morning
and I would go okay. When I raise my arms does, my
shirts show my tummy? Because if it does and I'm in
church and I'm talking to someone, or I go, oh my God.
Hi and it shows my tummy someone's going to look at me
from across the room and they're going to think that I'm sleeping
with my boyfriend and someone thinks I'm sleeping with my
boyfriend. That means that they're not
going to let me have this opportunity in church and then
this is going to happen. And I every single choice I made
was not for me and it was so fucking Hard to come back out of
that into start, to give myself permission.
I did it and I am where I am because I fucking did it, but
it's really hard. When you go down that rabbit
hole and if you are there, if you're like, well that's me.
I'm literally constantly being like okay, fine, I'll go because
I said I was going to go or okay, fine.
Like I'll all you know I'll just go do this job because my
parents weren't saying, I need to get a job or this person's
been saying this or blah blah blah.
If you're constantly rationalizing for the sake of
other people. You You need to start tuning
that in and you need to start getting rid of all that fucking
noise. If that means like isolating
yourself for a moment and figuring out what it is that you
want, then do that. But for you to be able to get to
where you want to be, you have to start to make choices for
you. And that's not saying to be
selfish or to completely ignore everybody.
Of course you want to have healthy loving relationships,
that's also going to benefit you but definitely step back and
figure out what's for you number. 22, this is oh my God
I'm 22 right now. Wow, this is crazy.
Anxiety and excitement. An often coexist.
I learned this. When I put myself out there to
become a Pilates instructor, I was like, I was high anxiety,
has high anxiety Vibes. That was, that was all I was
stressed as fuck. I was like, I don't know what
I'm doing. I had huge imposter syndrome
like it was horrible. Like I really really, really
struggled with that. And the thing was, was the
anxiety was so high, but I was also really excited.
I was really excited to be doing what I was doing and I was like,
this is cool though. Like this is something.
I look up to people who do this, I think that's cool.
And like I want to do it and like, you know, I was excited, I
was anxious and I was nervous and I kept thinking, like, fuck.
I don't want to be anxious. I want to enjoy this time, but
it's okay. If those two things happen at
the same time, to emotions more than two, absolutely more than
two emotions can co-exist. And it's okay to have a mix of
these emotions. You don't have to feel a certain
way as you go through any experience.
It's okay to be like whoo. That was amazing but I'm so
happy I'm done. Like you know, that was great,
but I'm happy. I'm moving on and to be okay
with getting rid of that anxiety, even though you're
super excited, those things can coexist in, there's nothing
wrong with you. If you feel like those things
shouldn't be happening at the same time because they
absolutely can. Last but not least, we have
never 23, which is to figure out what you picked up from your
family and then choose what you want to keep and choose what you
want to fix and change and heal and grow away from you.
Need to a certain point. Aunt, once you're kind of moved,
maybe you moved out of home or you've kind of like, you feel
like you're growing up and you're going away from certain
values, you need to figure out. What do I actually really
appreciate that. I learned from my childhood, my
mom, my dad, my aunt's, my whoever, you know, my siblings,
what did I learn? What do I love?
What do I want to continue? What maybe Traditions do?
I want to keep and what things do I want to say, sayonara, see
you later. I don't want you in my life
anymore. Say goodbye to those things in
shoes. What you're going to do instead?
I think sometimes if we are feeling distant from our family
and we maybe we didn't have a good life growing up with our
family. We just think fuck that, fuck
all that shit. I'm gonna do my own thing.
I'm not going to use anything from that, but I think we
definitely learn some things from our family.
For sure. Like, definitely pick up on lots
and lots of things that are very valuable, but there are lots of
things that you probably pick up on that are not so valuable.
So, try to take some time as you as you grow.
Of course, this is going to be an ongoing thing but to
acknowledge Hmm, where does that count at that?
Come up in my childhood, for me, I've been realizing this
recently with money. I've been learning a lot
recently about money stories, and how everybody has a money
story. If you haven't looked into this
very, very interesting. There's a podcast called, she's
on the money with Victoria Divine.
I think her name is and she has a really great episodes on this.
If you need a recommendation, I have been learning so much from
her about having a money story, and how everyone has a certain
way that they view Money. Typically based off the way that
their You'd money. And I learned this, I definitely
learned what mine was. Once I started sharing my money
with another human because Sam and I have everything together
and like there are certain things that his family did
growing up with money that I my family didn't do it at all and
so I was like we're not doing that or no, we can't spend that.
Are we what about? We need to save this and we need
to do this when you do that and you would be like oh well like
you know my family did this and this and this and it's it was
always fine and I'm like, yeah, but that's not how I did things.
And so I learned very quickly that everyone is very different
and there are things that my parents did with money, that I
like look at. And I'm like, that was amazing.
I love that. There was always this type of
security because they did x y z. But I don't like the way that
maybe they talked about money in this way or this way.
And I'm learning how to kind of switch out the things that I
didn't like and to create a new narrative for myself.
So now when I have moments with money, where Sam, maybe I'm
anxious about it, I can look at it and go.
Okay, you know what, that's actually something that I used
to see like this, Parent do or I used to see this person in my
family do. Now I can go.
Okay, I'm not going to have that same kind of anxiety.
I'm going to choose to believe that money is meant to be for
me, and there's nothing wrong with wanting money or there's
nothing wrong with wanting to be secure and financially, like
able to do the things in your life that you want to do.
And all of these kind of Shame and things that come up around
money, I'm learning so much about.
So if you guys want to episode on money, I would love to do
that for you more. So, of course relationship with
self and money. It's more.
So of a personal Deep dive, but I, but I've been loving that
topic recently. If you're one of my friends, you
know, that. Because I talk about all the
time and I'm a psycho. Okay, that's it guys.
Boom, 23 things, tie through things that I've learned,
there's lots more, I could, you know, going on on and on about,
I just I love growth. I love self-growth.
I love the idea that we can become who we want to be and I
think being someone who is I'm a very different person than I was
a few years ago it. Like something that I just think
is so valuable to share with other people because so many
people believe that they're stuck, so many people believe
that, you know, well, I grew up that way.
So that's how it is or well, that's how it always has been.
So that's how it's always going to be and it's not true.
It's not true. You have so much power to change
the things in your life you have.
So so so much ability so much more than you think you have
even just on like a psychological level, you can
really create your reality if you want to.
If there are things that you want, you can bring it into
existence by Yes, hard work. Yes, action but also just
speaking it out, putting it on your mind and getting your brain
to believe that it is coming. You are naturally going to work
towards those things if you genuinely believe that you're
able to do that. So I would encourage you to do
that. I love you guys.
I appreciate you guys. So so so much, if you don't
already, follow the podcast on Spotify or a podcast or
whatever. You listen, then, please go
ahead and give me a little follow.
If you want to find me on social media, I'm on Tick, Tock and
Instagram. And technically, YouTube as
well. It's more.
So just like YouTube shorts and then also put popping these
podcasts on to YouTube. For those of you to see it if
you only have access to Apple podcast, but you want to watch
the video here I am. And that's it.
We also have a Facebook group called The she said, what
podcast group where I keep you guys updated on the podcast.
And I've my website coming soon where you guys can be able to
ask me questions. I'm going to do some anonymous
question, QA Vibes at the end of all my episodes coming up.
So It's coming up in this year and yeah, I'm really excited.
Thank you guys so much for being here.
I'm just so thankful. I appreciate all the support.
I feel like this has been such a crazy season in my life and I
just cannot fucking believe that I'm doing this.
It is so weird that it doesn't feel like a real job, but I'm so
fucking thankful that it is, and that I'm here, and it's because
of you. So, thank you.
And I, we have a lovely day and I'll see you next week.
Okay. Bye guys.