You're listening to. She said what with your host
Alyssa Harper? Hello, sexy people and welcome
back to. She said, what if you've not
been here before then I just want to welcome you.
And let you know that this is a space for you to come and grow
and become the best version of yourself.
Whether we re talking about sex and sexuality or relationships
or self growth in general. I just want to welcome you to
this space and let you know that this is a safe inclusive space
for anybody. And so today, we're going to be
talking about About how to be confident, how to hello, how to
become confident in your sexual self.
This isn't to say that your sexual self is something that is
separate to you. Obviously, you are an
all-encompassing beautiful human being and there's a lot to you.
But this is to talk specifically about the side of us that is of
course sexual. And whether you have a whole
bunch of experience in this space or you have literally
never even you know, looks down there this That is for you or
going to be going through a really great practice that has
personally helped me become closer to my sexual assault and
to grow that intimacy with myself but that I've also done
with other people and walked them through and talk to them
through. And I think it's such a valuable
practice and we're just going to be talking about all of that
today. So I'm really excited for
today's episode because I've had a lot of questions around this
topic. I've had a lot of really great
chats in my DMs with you guys about this topic, and I think
it's just time. Time to bring it into a full-on
episode. So let's get into it.
Update on my week, as per usual, I've been working, I've been
feeling really motivated this past week, actually specifically
with the podcast and with like content and everything that I've
been doing, I've just been really like grateful for the
community that I have, that have been listening and I've just
been feeling like really, really It'd be doing what I'm doing,
which is nice because like, in any thing that you do, it's easy
to like go through Seasons with it and to have times when you
don't really feel the best about yourself, you don't feel like
you're, you know, again, imposter syndrome maybe don't
feel as good as you wish you felt about the things that you
were doing. And this past week, I feel like
I've kind of had a bit of a comeback and I'm feeling really
motivated and really excited for the rest of this year.
Can you guys believe that? It's almost June already, which
means that we are almost halfway through 2023?
What the fuck? I feel like that shit went by so
fast. So I'm just kind of like looking
at my goals that I said at the start of the year and getting
like halfway through the year and kind of going back and
trying to figure out if you know I am where I want to be and if
I'm not then let's figure out how we're going to get there.
And so it's just been a really nice.
Like grounding week for me, the Japanese house just came out
with new music, which is my favorite band ever, or they are
my favorite artist ever. And so that's been like a dream
for me. And I've just been really,
really loving music this week and that's basically it.
I've been writing a lot writing a lot four episodes and working
on my website and doing all the things.
And so, it's been fun. I want to get right into today's
episode because like I said, earlier, this is a topic that I
have talked with you guys about. So, so so much and so many
people reach out to me and say like, okay, you know, I really
want to have an orgasm, but I don't know if I've had one or I
really To get comfortable with self-pleasure also known as
masturbation. Like, I want to get more
comfortable with self-pleasure, but I just I've never done that
and I don't feel comfortable and I was shamed about it, like, you
know, growing up and all of that.
And so everyone has their own history and everyone has their
own story that they bring to this conversation.
And so, I just want you to first and foremost acknowledge that
you are not alone, no matter what your experience is, like,
whether you have had lots and lots of sex and you're very
confident in, you just want to grow even Or to your sexual
self, then amazing. But if you have not done
anything like this before and this is actually pretty uncomfy
for you. I encourage you to listen all
the way through and see how this is going to help you to develop
an open up in your relationship with yourself.
I'm making this episode because first of all, you deserve
pleasure, you do like your body has systems that are meant to
work in line with pleasure and it is good for you.
Which I'll get into a little bit later, but pleasure is something
that you deserve to enjoy. And if anyone's ever made, you
feel like pleasure should not be a priority in your life.
Let's rewire that and debris work that because you do deserve
pleasure. This is also the foundation of
all of your sexual relationships that you might have in your
life. So your relationship with
yourself, the way they're able to connect with yourself the way
they're able to sit in that like sexual energetic space.
If you will, that's a really important to own in yourself
because it makes it so much easier when you have other
sexual relationships with other people, when it comes to
communicating, what you want, or how you want things to be done,
or how you want to feel, or what's going to turn you on, and
what's going to turn you off. And knowing all those things
about yourself is so incredibly empowering and again that
Foundation, lastly I feel like it, just grows yourself love and
If acceptance shame is such a big issue especially with women,
obviously with everybody and we don't live in a society that is
super freeing when it comes to sex and sexuality.
And so I think it's really important that we do that for
ourselves because we deserve to feel confident in our sexual
selves and to feel all that love feel all that self-acceptance.
So that's why I'm doing today's episode.
I'm going to start off with something that I read this week.
That was like really hit me and I was like, wow, I can't believe
this, it's reported, it's been reported, that nearly one in
seven. Women have never masturbated in
their lifetime while 95% of men have reported masturbating,
isn't that crazy? One in 71 in seven?
That's a lot of women. That's a lot, a lot, a lot of
women who have never ever ever done anything, sexual with
themselves, and to me, Me I'm like, oh, that makes me so sad
because I know that it's such a fruitful part of somebody's life
in can be such a fruitful part of somebody's life and like,
brings so many beautiful experiences and really help to
like grow that relationship with yourself.
But that's why we're doing this today.
And again, this is just to reiterate that you are not in
this alone. If this is something that you
are not super comfy with orgasms in general, which are not
necessarily the goal of sex or the goal of self-pleasure.
But Orgasms have amazing benefits, amazing health
benefits. And I actually met a tick talk
about this, like, a year ago or so.
And it's I think it's actually my biggest Tick-Tock because I
go on and I talk all about the different benefits that you get
from orgasms and people love talking about sex.
And I just got so many people being like, wow, I had no idea,
you know, why aren't we taught this in school?
Why are we, if anything made to feel shame about this one we're
taught about It and that's why we go through this on learning
process. I'm just going to list some of
the things really quickly that are benefits of having orgasms.
So first of all, it increases your dopamine which is that good
feel hormone, it's usually going to be more short-term.
It's that Rush of good, feels type of vibe.
It also increases serotonin, which is your long-term, happy
hormone if you will. So that's going to be the one
that's going to keep you more consistently feeling, good.
It also boosts oxytocin which is your bonding hormone.
So when you're with a partner and you have an orgasm, or
sometimes you don't even have to have an orgasm, you can just be
in a sexual space with a person. Oxytocin is released and that is
what causes you to feel a bond with somebody.
So if you know, just squashing any kind of like oh is this
true? Is this not true when you're
like oh but yeah sex makes it real with somebody or like Sexes
what makes We attached to somebody and that's why I don't
wanna have sex until later on in the relationship and Bubba.
Bubba, blah, that's totally fine.
Because scientifically there is like, obviously something that
says, you know, oxytocin is released in that does create a
bond between you and that person.
It's totally up to you, how you go about that.
But that is valuable information because when I was younger, I
didn't know that. I always just thought like all
like, you know, sex is bad. And if I have sex with somebody
and then I really miss them, it's like, God punishing me
because I shouldn't have Tax, which is just me.
I don't know if that's relatable but that's how my brain thought
about it. Now that I understand why sex is
so bonding it actually empowers me to make better choices, which
is how it fucking should be, but we don't learn this shit.
So, whatever it also orgasms also flush out cortisol which is
your stress hormone. So, not only does it make you
feel amazing, short term gives you long-lasting, happiness
benefits, if you will? It be Bonds you to the person
that you're with, or I should have mentioned this before with
your self, which is the cool fucking part about all of this
is, that's where some of that like self-love self-acceptance
comes in because you feel that bonding hormone, and it
genuinely helps you connect to yourself.
Love that shit, love that for us.
It does all of that. And it reduces your stress
hormone. So amazing, amazing amazing for
your mental health. And obviously, our mental health
ties so much into our physical health, and It's just so
beautiful and so amazing. And on top of that separate to
your mental health, just affecting your physical health,
it actually strengthens your immune system.
So you're not going to get sick and shit as much which we
fucking love it. Also helps you to regulate your
hormones, which helps you to have more regular periods, and
easier periods. So less symptoms throughout your
period, like headaches and cramps and, you know, all the
things and a little Pro tip. Here is the best way to get all
of these benefits. And of course, I'll link
resources and all of this below. So you guys can verify these
things and read on further if you want to do that.
But a way to really get all of those benefits is to stay in the
orgasmic Plateau phase for as long as possible.
This is also known as edging. If you've heard of that which
basically just means that you're pushing back your orgasm for as
long as you can. And yeah.
Spending more time in that phase of orgasm before, you have that
release in that proper, you know, full-on orgasm feeling.
And so, that's a way that you can really, really get all of
the benefits. Now, now, that you have a little
bit of information, you got some time, you've been warmed up a
little bit, you know, I've had some time to think about the the
subject we're going to reflect. We are going to talk about you.
So the goal here is to think about what your relationship
with sex is like, Which is something that we don't do
enough. If anything, we try not to think
about it or we think about those little things that we do when we
are having self pleasure, and we think it is like gross.
Or we think it's a little bit weird or like, we're the only
people who do certain things. I remember reading, what's it
called? Greedy by Jen Winston, which I
talked about all the time because I fucking love that
book. It's all about her Journey
coming out as bisexual and just living life as bisexual, and
it's amazing, especially if you are And you are or you're just,
you know, curious about the subject like, in, or you just
want to be something fucking funny.
It's great. You should read her book in her
book. She has a whole like chapter
where she talks about how growing up.
She used to masturbate laying on her stomach and like she looked
like a penguin just like rolling around and shit and she was like
so embarrassed by it and I just thought it was so, so so funny
because it's so it's crazy, the things that, you know, we feel
so shameful about, it's crazy, the things that if we knew at
the time, Time that other people were the same.
Or if we knew at the time, that other people felt the same way,
like we wouldn't feel so many negative emotions, but because
we don't get to talk about it that often we don't get to get
that release. And so, that's what I'm hoping
to do with this episode. Obviously why I want to do this.
Practice is because like in any relationship you learn about the
person, you know, you learn, you expand, you ask questions and
that's what you're going to be doing.
Here is asking yourself questions.
So you can understand your sexual self better.
And again to me this is one of the most empowering things that
you can do. Because sexual Wellness is
Wellness, sexual self care is self-care.
It's not this separate thing again.
You are in all-encompassing human being that has all these
different parts of you. And we are just trying to liven
up this specific part of you today.
You can do this practice as Just listen to the episode and
reflect and think as we go along, but I would actually
challenged you to sit down eventually with a journal so you
can get the most out of this practice and, you know, write
down your answers. Think it will just give you more
space to think about these questions and yeah, let's get
right into it. Oh my God, I'm so excited these
things that you I'm going to bring up that you can ask
yourself are going to be available as well.
In the she said what Facebook group.
I'm going to send it there for you guys so that you don't have
to write anything now. You can relax and just listen
along but let's go. Number one, what brings me,
sexual pleasure. If you have an answer to that,
if you've experienced this before, if you've had
self-pleasure, what do you like? And I want you to be honest, I
want you to be gritty. I want you to be specific, like
if you are sitting on a piece of paper, right?
And you're going to write this down, you can think of yourself
burning that after you can put it in the garbage, you can do,
whatever if you're scared of, Someone seeing it right now,
nobody's going to see it. And if you're doing this
mentally, nobody's gonna hear you.
So really, really be honest with yourself, I am talking
specifics, okay? I'm talking, do we like back and
forth? Do we like circles?
Do we like hot? Do we like cold?
Is there a location that we like, Are there specific like
external things that you might use in your practice if you will
like a toy or Lube or whatever? Is there anything that you can
think of specifically? That brings you pleasure and
when you ask yourself this I wanted to take some time and
also be ready to be confronted with potential like emotions of
Shame and discomfort or embarrassment because we were
taught to feel that way. But this is a part of you going
through this unlearning journey and going towards empowerment,
some of these things, of course, might change with time.
Like, I can say that five years ago.
I didn't like all the things that I do now, right?
Because I didn't experience it yet, or there are things that I
did, then that I wouldn't do now because I have different.
I don't know, I have different ways of doing things, like
things change with time, so just know that this is something that
you can do over and over again this doesn't have to be just
like a one and done situation. Question number two is, are
there things that you've always wanted to try is there?
Think about it. It and what is stopping you from
trying them? Is it actually like a
closed-door situation and say for example you know you need a
partner to do that thing and right now you don't currently
have a partner that you could try that thing with.
So it's like okay you know, I will try that one day but with
somebody or are these things that you want to try things that
you could actually try. But the only thing holding you
back, maybe, I don't know. Maybe is shame or I don't think
I should do XYZ. Take a moment to think about
that. That question number three is,
if I could have anything in the world, anything what does my
sexual ideal sexual experience? Look like think about it?
Is there anything specific that you've been?
Like, I would love to this. I would love to be at this
place, or I'd love to try this position.
What do you want the mood to be? Like, what do you want the
lighting to be? Like, what do you want?
The think of all your senses? Right?
The sense that the the smell, The Taste, the feel What are you
just you want it be warmed. You want to be a little bit like
cooler. I don't know.
Do you want to be in a bet? You want to be on a couch?
The only be on the floor. I don't know, you know, think
about what your ideal ideal sexual experience would look
like. Because again, when do we do
this? When do we ask ourself what we
truly want? Most of the time, especially
women end up, feeling like they get what they get, you know, if
they don't come they don't come, it's so much more of a norm.
ERM for sex to end after the man has come.
And again, this is very just like, I'm just saying men and
women, but know that, obviously, this can extend beyond that, but
this is the typical Norman straight relationships.
Is that sexist over once the man has come and there's the classic
line of like, oh, did you come first of all?
He should fucking know, but if he doesn't know, what is the
response to? No, I didn't come.
It shouldn't be like, oh maybe. Next time, right?
It should be okay. Well let's take time with you
right now but that's not actually the norm and I think
it's so important that we stop and we ask ourselves.
What do we want? Because we just serve to find
what we want and we deserve to have Partners who make us feel
like we're allowed to ask what we want.
Next question, question number four, what are three of my
favorite sexual experiences that I've had?
This is actually a question that I took out.
Out of Come As You Are by Emmeline agofsky.
This was a really challenging practice for me because I had to
write down, you know, three of my favorite sexual experiences
ever. And I had to be really honest
about what made them great for me.
What made them exciting for me? And that's the best part.
That's the fun part. So, again, writing down three of
your favorite sexual experiences and then of course, why you
enjoyed them what you liked about Them.
And then you can look at the different experiences.
Look at what you've written down, or maybe what you've just
thought about and find similarities.
Because again, this is just teaching you what you like in
sexual experiences, which is so fun and so exciting.
Okay, next question, question number five, I want to say,
sorry guys, I always lose track on where Malik question. 45 is.
What are your three least favorite sexual?
Uses exact same as what we just did, but we're going to do the
opposite because this is also, really, really valuable
information for you. So what are your three least
favorite sexual experiences? This could be self-pleasure
specifically, this could be with a particular partner, maybe
something didn't make you feel quite, right?
Maybe you didn't feel prioritized or, you know, it was
really like quick or something like something specific like
that. Where you like, oh I just didn't
like it for this thing. Again, write down.
Why you didn't like it and then Again, we're going to look for
similarities because this can help us recognize.
Oh, I actually really don't like having sex when I'm really tired
or I, she don't like having sex with this type of person and
it's really, really valuable part of me thinks almost a
little bit, even more reliable, more a little bit.
Then the last one that we did because this one is like, it
really helps you to create a sense of like boundaries and it
Oops, you to figure out what you don't like and sometimes if we
struggle to figure out what we do, like if the last one was
hard for you, it's easier to figure out what we don't like
and then fill the gaps from there.
So maybe that's you right now by those are questions that I want
you to specifically, ask yourself.
And when we do these practices, they remind us that our sexual
desires are not shameful. We spend so much time, not
acknowledging it, that we can even passively build up this
resistance to wanting things. And so, when we do, Who
practices like this. Especially if we write it down
especially if we like you know put it in stone like make it
real, make it a reality. It helps to break down that Wall
of Shame and if we can acknowledge to ourselves what we
like, then how are we going to do that with a partner?
You know, when you are with someone eventually and they say
to you, oh, what do you like what do you want to try?
What feels good for you and you don't know that can be a lot
more stressful to do in the presence of somebody that that
maybe you like maybe they make you nervous maybe sex in general
makes you nervous which I think everybody it does you know, at
least a little bit at certain points it's harder to do that
when you don't have a bit of a hold of it, on a bit of a hold
on. It yourself.
And so, I definitely recommend doing that another little bonus
thing here to help you expand on understanding who you are
sexually and what you want and getting really honing in on that
is to talk to your friends more about sex obviously.
Inappropriate spaces with appropriate people that you
trust and you know, you feel comfortable talking to about
these things, talk to your friends about it because I was
even in the car. One day I remember with my
friends in high school someone made some sort of joke about
masturbation and then one of my friends just went I masturbate
like all the time. Is that normal?
And then another friend went bro.
I literally masturbate like every day like it's just like
part of my like self-care and I was shocked.
I was like, I was like wow. Well, I always felt like there
was something wrong with me or I felt like there was something
bad about how much or how much I didn't, you know, do something.
And it just started this whole conversation and we got into a
whole like long-ass conversation about how we felt about it and
why we felt kind of shit about it at times and it was really,
really empowering. So if you do have the space or a
friend or somebody that you really trust that you feel like
you can talk to about it, I would really encourage you to
talk about it one of the Thing that I used as well.
Even recently, you guys have probably heard about this.
If you've been following me for a little bit, now is the Elise
app which you can go on and fill out a like little questionnaire
situation and they tell you what, your sexual archetype is,
which is so like so specific. But like so fun.
If you're like me and you love to do a little quizzes and like,
see stuff about your star sign and, you know, all the shit.
It's just fun. Then you're really gonna like
this because it tells you your sexual archetype and For me, it
told me that I am in the Explorer, which I fucking love
because I was like, yes, absolutely.
That is me. And it was just really cool to
read through the descriptions of what they were saying.
You know, I would like as the Explorer, maybe what, I wouldn't
like, what I should look for in a partner and it was just again,
like another way to expand my relationship with myself
sexually. So, that was really cool.
I think it's really empowering to look back on the journey that
I've had with growing mine. Sexual self.
And I just want to take the last little bit of today's podcast to
share with you. How I kind of went through that
Journey myself growing up, I started out like what I was
very, very young having self-pleasure but I didn't know
what it was, right. Nobody ever told me and I always
felt really ashamed of it. And it was to the point that I
used to think that it was this really bad thing that I was
doing and nobody had like done it before.
Like, I literally thought I was a fucking alien.
And I had this calendar on my wall when I was little and this
is so sad to me and I used to literally X off the days on the
calendar that I would have self-pleasure because I was
like, that's a bad day. This was a bad day and I would
do like a day and then I do the next day.
Oh my God. It like it would just happen
enough that at one point I just got rid of the calendar and was
like I'm fucked up and so time went on and over time Just kind
of got over the fact that it was this bad thing.
I don't really care. I was like, whatever, whatever.
It's fine. I understand that.
Maybe it's not just me because that doesn't really make sense.
Got old enough that I did see porn for the first time.
It's almost always like an unwilling thing, you know,
because you don't know that it's a thing until you see it.
And then I was like, holy shit. That's like, kind of like the
thing. And so, you know, way it was
really helpful for me because I was like, oh, this is, like, I
didn't understand sex. This is thing, I did not
understand. I would, I was not told
anything, and I would ever ask questions any time it would come
up around my family or anything. I'd always pretend I didn't
know, right? Like, I'd be like, he, like, I'm
giggle along and be like, no. I don't know what that is.
But like, I obviously did, and then as I got older, I because I
grew up in the church, I was told that it was something that
you shouldn't really do. I remember some people saying,
like some church leaders and, you know, the odd person, I
looked up to who was a Christian which vary in that world that's
a very common thing is like having these mentors right.
I had some people say things like it's not a good thing to
do, it doesn't help your relationship with God.
But if it's going to stop you from say having sex with your
boyfriend, then it's the better alternative.
So even though I at one point accepted that it was an okay
thing I still thought it's like The Lesser bad of the two.
And so that was really how I felt about it for quite a long
time throughout a lot of high school and eventually I got to a
point where I was like, honestly it's fine.
I don't think this is a bad thing to me.
It doesn't make sense that there would be this this part of my
body. That brings me so much pleasure
that I'm like apparently does not allowed to have.
I thought, you know, that doesn't really make sense to me.
So eventually I kind of got over that.
But even all the way through until about three, maybe three
or four. Years ago, I still felt a lot of
Shame having sex at all, obviously before marriage
because that was the whole Christian idea, right?
And so I've had to break down a lot of Shame from starting out
with everything is so bad. I should not do any of this to.
Well, it's the lesser of the bad, but it's still pretty bad
to actually, I think it's fine and I think everyone's fucking
crazy but definitely don't have sex and now obviously I'm in a
space where I just Believe that, as long as everybody's
consenting, you're having a good time.
You're enjoying yourself, you know, you're enthusiastically,
consenting and you're experiencing pleasure.
Then anything goes, you know, that's, that's where I'm at.
But it's just been quite the fuckin journey and I know that
in five years time or even 10 years time, especially 10 years
time, I'm going to look back and think.
Wow, I was actually so close-minded right now because
I'm consistently doing these kinds of Cactuses to continue to
explore and open up, which is exactly what I would encourage
you to do as well. Because I can tell you firsthand
that, it is fruitful and taking time to reflect on who you are,
as a sexual being is actually a really beautiful Human
Experience. And I have moments even now
where I just think like, oh my gosh, this is so insane.
That this is our experience that we get to live in these bodies
that can bring us so much pleasure and Yes, they can
absolutely bring us pain. Yes, they can.
Bring us frustration when we were not quite sure how to get
to orgasm. Or we're with a partner and we
don't feel prioritized and we know we wish we could come
faster and all of those things, you know.
Yes, it can bring difficult things but the more that we work
on listening to that empowering side and engaging with the side
of us that's actually self accepting and loving the more
confident, we're going to feel over time and just grow in our
sexual selves. So That's basically it for
today, guys. Next week, I'm going to be
talking about how to grow a sexual relationship with a
partner. So it's really important that
you think about this this week or, you know, before you listen
to next week's episode and really like have that deep
reflection so that you have the foundation for next week.
Thank you guys so much for listening.
If you don't already follow the podcast on Apple podcasts or
Spotify, then please do that because that helps me.
Plus more people to see the podcast.
Thank you so much for sharing the podcast.
When you guys do that on your Instagram stories and with a
friend, and all of that again, I'm just so thankful to be doing
this right now and I'm loving the community especially on the
Facebook group which if you want to go get all those questions,
please feel free to join that. The she said what podcast group
on Facebook and I'm also on Instagram and Tick-Tock atalissa
Taylor Harper, where you can reach out and we can talk about
this. Please feel free to DM me on.
Instagram and that is everything.
I love you guys so much. Thank you so much for listening
and all the resources. Everything will be below for
you. If you want to go read into this
a little bit more, have a lovely day and I will see you soon.
Bye, guys.