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You're listening to She Said, 
what with your host, Alyssa 

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Harper. 
Welcome, or welcome back to, She

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Said. 
What if you guys have not been 

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here before then? 
My name is Alyssa Harper, and 

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this podcast is all about sex 
and sexuality, relationships, 

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self growth and you becoming the
best version of you. 

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Today we're going to be talking 
about my top ten dating tips and

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relationship tips that I wish 
that I knew before now, whether 

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that be in high school or just 
as I started dating. 

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These are all of the things that
have proven to be true time and 

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time again, and things that I 
think that we don't talk about 

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enough or we don't necessarily 
have the resources for generally

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unless you go looking for them. 
I'm really excited to be back 

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for today's episode because it 
has been a little while. 

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It's been about a month or so 
now and it's gonna be really 

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fun. 
You guys are gonna get the whole

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little update spiel on my life. 
So if you don't care about my 

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life, then kind of rude. 
But totally fine. 

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Feel free to skip forward a 
little bit and that's when we're

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gonna get into the topic, OK? 
All right. 

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Enjoy. 
If you are watching the video 

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right now on Spotify and you are
seeing the light go up and down,

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just so you know, I have my 
windows open, there's natural 

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light happening, and I also have
a disco ball over in the corner 

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and it's creating these little 
dots behind me on the wall. 

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If you can see any of them, Oh 
yeah, there's one. 

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Hello. 
There she is. 

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So that's what's happening. 
If you're wondering about that. 

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Holy shit, guys, it's been ages.
Oh my God. 

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It's literally been like, what, 
a month? 

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Almost two, Probably I. 
Just needed a bit of a break. 

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Kind of was, I know. 
And if you guys follow me on 

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Instagram especially and on 
TikTok as well, I've talked 

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about it heaps about my mental 
health and needing to have time 

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to kind of like refresh, get 
back into figuring out like what

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I really want to speak about and
what I think is going to be 

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valuable for you guys. 
So thank you so much for being 

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patient. 
With me and thank you for all of

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your lovely messages along the 
way. 

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Also dealing with some kind of 
health issues and things that 

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I've talked about on social 
media. 

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So please feel free to go get 
caught up on that. 

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I'm not going to talk about that
for too long, but I will give 

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you a quick update on my life. 
OK? 

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So my parents came, they visited
me in Sydney. 

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I'm Canadian and they live there
and that was super fun. 

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They were here for three weeks. 
We did heaps we like, went to 

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the zoo. 
We ate out a lot to. 

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That was amazing. 
I ate so much yummy food. 

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I spent a lot of money, but 
that's OK because it was just a 

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really nice time and so good to 
see them because I didn't see 

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them in a year. 
Then I was at home for about a 

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week, and then I went to 
Splendor in the Grass, which was

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my first festival ever, which 
was amazing. 

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It genuinely turned around so 
much for me. 

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I've been going to a therapist 
at that point now for a few, 

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maybe like two months or 
something. 

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And she had said to me, this is 
going to be like exposure 

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therapy for you because social 
anxiety was something that was 

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really struggling with Whoa. 
I just said was that's fucking 

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crazy because. 
I went to this. 

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It literally was exposure 
therapy. 

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I got there on the first day. 
I was like, my God, it's fucking

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loud. 
People are screaming. 

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Everyone's on drugs. 
Like, it's just like a very 

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intense place to be if you have 
social. 

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Anxiety, because there's a 
million fucking people around. 

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But it was so fun and I got to 
bring my friend Blue and we had 

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the best time and we went with 
Spotify. 

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So it was my first, like, 
influencer trip, if you will. 

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I hate that word, but whatever. 
It's my first like trip that was

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like gifted to me and it was 
just like such an incredible 

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experience. 
I'm so, so fucking thankful that

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I got to do that and that the 
fact that it actually fed me 

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emotionally and like, literally 
changed the trajectory of the 

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following month and up till now.
So yeah, came back from that. 

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Had this feeling of like, oh, 
like was that just because I was

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at the festival and I had such a
fun time and coming home? 

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Was that just like, you know, 
post Festival high And then I'm 

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going to go back down into this 
kind of like? 

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Low state and I have not, which 
is awesome actually went to 

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therapy a few days ago and it 
was this. 

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It was funny because I was like,
do I cancel my appointment 

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because I'm like cool now, but I
was like, Nah, like I've got to 

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give her the tea, you know, and 
it's best like it's good for her

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to see what works for me because
that will obviously inform 

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future situations. 
And so it was such a good 

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appointment and I got so much 
out of it and I'm so happy that 

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I still went. 
And something that she actually 

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said to me was now you've proven
to yourself that when you are 

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feeling shit, when you are 
feeling down or depressed or 

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really anxious, just not 
yourself, you know that you can 

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come out of it and you don't 
have to be scared that you're 

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going to lose this energy, this 
excitement in your life, 

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whatever it is, you don't have 
to be scared of that because 

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that's life. 
And it happens in seasons. 

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And maybe you'll have a really 
tough season or something will 

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happen. 
It will be difficult, but then 

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you'll come out of it and you'll
go, wow, OK, I can do hard 

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things and and things can always
eventually look up. 

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And it just instills that 
feeling of like hope within you.

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And it was really, really 
powerful. 

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And I feel like now something 
that she said as well was just 

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to keep the momentum going. 
Like make sure I'm aware of I go

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through a few days where I'm not
really seeing heaps of friends 

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or I'm not feeling my best to 
still be in contact with people.

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To still not isolate myself, to 
not just be I guess just online 

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or just with my partner, like 
really be present with multiple 

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people and keep that community 
and how important community is. 

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So it just instilled like new 
values in me or reminded me of 

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values that I already had, but 
again gave me proof as to why 

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those things are really 
important. 

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It was just so so so valuable 
and coming out of it, I've just 

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been really excited the last two
weeks to be in this like new 

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energy, like I feel fucking 
excited about my life and it's 

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it's really awesome. 
So thank you guys again for your

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patience and for waiting on new 
episodes to come out. 

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Today's going to be really fun. 
I'm excited to share with you 

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what I have made for today, and 
then I have some fun episodes 

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coming up as well that I'm also 
excited about, particularly more

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on sexuality. 
Something I've been talking 

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about on TikTok a bit recently 
that you guys have asked for as 

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well is content on not feeling 
gay enough or feeling like you 

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look too straight to say that 
you are queer or a bisexual or a

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lesbian or whatever it is and 
kind of talk about the 

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presentation that queer people 
feel like they're meant to give 

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to others and why we feel that 
and really go in depth on that. 

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Also, talking about complicated 
friendship situations within the

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queer community will be one, 
which I'll kind of touch on a 

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little bit today. 
But how those relationships can 

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be difficult because there's 
sometimes an overlap, especially

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in like female friendships. 
So that's going to be really 

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interesting. 
And also, talking about friend 

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breakups is another one that is 
going to be coming up as well. 

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And how that can be sometimes 
even harder than like a romantic

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breakup. 
Because there's a lot of people 

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saying a lot of things about 
going through a romantic 

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breakup, going through a 
relationship breakup, but friend

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breakups aren't talked about as 
much, and they can be really 

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hurtful. 
And yeah, I just think it's 

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really important that we 
createspace for you to have 

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like, like knowledge on that. 
And here are the people's 

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experiences and know that you're
not crazy for feeling that way 

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if you have felt that way with a
friend before. 

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So that's what we have coming 
up. 

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I'm super excited to do that. 
Let's get right into today's 

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episode. 
I wanted to make this episode 

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because I've had some shit 
relationships in my time. 

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I've definitely been with people
where they don't have the 

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language to say the things that 
they want to say. 

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The communication is bad, like 
it's a lot of fighting. 

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A lot of drama, a lot of like 
victim mentalities coming from 

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the other person and it's just 
been it's been complicated. 

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Like, I've definitely 
experienced that before. 

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And these are things that now 
that I've been in a healthy 

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relationship for a few years and
I've learned so much and I've 

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not only gone to a couples 
therapist with that person, his 

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name is Sam. 
If you guys don't know or you 

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don't listen regularly, he's my 
partner. 

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And yeah, like, we've just grown
so much, both individually and 

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together, and it's been 
something that I feel like would

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be of value to you guys, because
not only right now he might be 

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single, maybe with a partner. 
This is for literally anybody. 

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So feel welcome whoever you are,
whether you are straight or gay 

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or queer or whatever. 
Whatever you are, this is for 

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you. 
Let's. 

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Get into point number one. 
OK, #1. 

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All right, #1 is that you are 
not a tease. 

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We're starting out, starting 
out. 

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Hot OK. 
We are not a tease because I 

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remember, especially when I was 
younger, being told that if I 

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didn't want to have sex with 
somebody, if I didn't want to 

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fucking do anything with 
somebody, that I want to kiss 

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somebody, whatever. 
But maybe I was flirty, or I 

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went for a drink with somebody, 
or I spent time with somebody 

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that I was a tease. 
And I want you to know that if 

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you spend anytime with somebody,
whether that is you have a 

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conversation or you have a dance
with them on the dance floor, 

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you know, or you do anything 
like you, you talk to that 

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person every day, whatever it is
you do not have. 

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To then go and do anything else 
to that person, you don't owe 

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them anything. 
You are in charge of what you 

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do, especially with your body, 
but also with your emotions. 

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If you're not willing to fully 
have that depth of relationship,

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obviously communicate that you 
know. 

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Don't make them feel like you 
are going to, but then maybe you

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won't later. 
And of course, I'm talking about

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emotions here specifically. 
Be aware that people might have 

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feelings towards you and then if
you don't reciprocate that but 

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you maybe you seemed like you 
did, that could be really hard 

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for somebody. 
But I know you're not going to 

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do that. 
I'm just giving that as a little

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disclaimer. 
You are definitely not a fucking

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tease, especially physically. 
And when it comes to consent, 

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even if you say go on a date 
with somebody, you go home with 

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somebody, even you get into that
space where you are like kind of

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about to or you think you might 
have sex with this person or 

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you've you've kind of acted as 
if you would, but then you don't

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want to. 
Consent is not a one time thing.

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It happens over and over and 
there's, you know, it should 

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happen over and over, I should 
say in these conversations, in 

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these situations. 
And it's something that you can 

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always update that person on. 
It can be. 

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I'm comfortable to, you know, 
kiss and whatever else right 

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now, but I just for whatever 
reason, and it doesn't fucking 

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matter why you don't want to 
have sex with them or you don't 

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want to do something with them 
and that is fine. 

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That's completely your 
prerogative. 

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And that should be very, very 
clear to them and they should 

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have that general understanding 
already. 

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And if they don't, that is not a
safe person to be with. 

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And it's also not somebody that 
you want to be with like you. 

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Deserve to be with somebody that
wants you to enjoy the whole 

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experience, obviously. 
But as of course we live in this

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like patriarchal society and 
there's a lot of really shit 

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messages that we hear on a 
regular basis, coming not only 

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from the men in our lives 
potentially, but also the media 

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that we consume. 
And it's so important that we 

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are aware that at the end of the
day, we are firm in what we know

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we deserve and we are firm and 
understanding that we can change

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our minds at any time. 
Point #2 If they wanted to, they

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would. 
And I know you've heard this 

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before, of course you have. 
But it's really important that 

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you actually, like, take it to 
heart. 

225
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:19,100
Like you don't as the situation 
happens and you go, Oh well, 

226
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:22,820
maybe they were just tired or 
oh, maybe they're not getting 

227
00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:25,820
back to me because they've got a
lot going on. 

228
00:12:26,060 --> 00:12:33,020
To a certain extent, sure, but. 
Like it really doesn't take that

229
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:37,180
long for someone to send a quick
message or whatever. 

230
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:41,500
And if they do need space for 
whatever reason, I think that is

231
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:43,500
really important that they 
communicate that they need that 

232
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,900
space rather than just like 
ghosting you. 

233
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:50,060
Like I'm really obviously not an
advocate at all for ghosting. 

234
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:54,420
I think that's really fucked up 
in friendships and in romantic 

235
00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:56,180
relationships. 
I think it's so, so, so 

236
00:12:56,180 --> 00:13:02,540
important that you communicate 
and people can be really lovely.

237
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:08,820
You can find partners and people
who will literally do so much 

238
00:13:08,820 --> 00:13:11,020
for you. 
Want to hold space for you, of 

239
00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:13,060
course, hold space for 
themselves first to make sure 

240
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,260
that they're good. 
And that's the, you know, you 

241
00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:17,860
have to have your cup full to be
able to go and fill somebody 

242
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:20,620
else's and. 
You want to be in that overflow 

243
00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:24,260
state to be able to do that for 
others, but it's so important 

244
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:29,420
that you don't devalue what you 
deserve and you don't let 

245
00:13:29,420 --> 00:13:32,420
yourself make excuses for people
time and time again. 

246
00:13:32,580 --> 00:13:35,900
Again, like I said, to a certain
extent, of course, I'm not 

247
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:38,940
saying that you should always 
have access to people, as in 

248
00:13:38,940 --> 00:13:41,900
like they should talk to you all
day long or something like that.

249
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,380
You know, I'm not saying that 
you should. 

250
00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:48,140
They should always feel fully 
like they're able to be there 

251
00:13:48,140 --> 00:13:51,380
for you because sometimes. 
Will fall short, but if you if 

252
00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:56,140
you notice patterns with people 
where they're not actively 

253
00:13:56,140 --> 00:14:01,940
putting in effort, then it's 
probably not going to work out. 

254
00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:05,940
You know, you want someone who 
is equal in their effort towards

255
00:14:05,940 --> 00:14:08,060
you and maybe it's a 
relationship where you're like, 

256
00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:11,700
this is very casual. 
We literally talk like twice a 

257
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:13,820
month or something or it's very 
chill. 

258
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:17,420
We barely see each other and you
guys are both on that terms of 

259
00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:19,540
those terms of like 
understanding that, then that's 

260
00:14:19,540 --> 00:14:21,100
great. 
I have friends like that where I

261
00:14:21,220 --> 00:14:24,100
literally see them like maybe 
once a month and we catch up and

262
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,740
we have the best time and we're 
both cool with that. 

263
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:30,140
We're both enjoying that. 
But it's really important that 

264
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:33,020
if you want more from that 
person and you feel like you're 

265
00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:35,900
giving more and they're just not
reciprocating it, that you 

266
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:37,700
communicate that and that's 
fucking hard. 

267
00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:39,300
Okay. 
I'm not saying that's easy. 

268
00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:44,060
It's hard to be honest and say 
like, I really like you or I 

269
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:45,740
really want to spend more time 
with you. 

270
00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:49,420
Or can I ask what's happening in
your life right now that maybe 

271
00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:51,620
makes it hard for you to spend 
time with me? 

272
00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:54,580
If that person is really honest 
and they say something, oh you 

273
00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:57,820
know I'm doing exams right now 
or something, you know, I'm I'm,

274
00:14:58,410 --> 00:15:00,130
I'm really struggling with work 
right now. 

275
00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:02,730
I'm struggling with my 
relationships within my family 

276
00:15:02,730 --> 00:15:06,730
or my friends or something like 
that, where they have a genuine 

277
00:15:06,730 --> 00:15:11,610
reason for why but they want to 
be better or they want to let 

278
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:14,530
you know that that boundary has 
to be there for them at the 

279
00:15:14,530 --> 00:15:18,440
moment, but that they. 
Maybe hope that in future when 

280
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,720
they are out of that situation 
that they're able to create more

281
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,760
space for you. 
That's the kind of conversation 

282
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,600
you want to be having. 
This person is making excuses. 

283
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,400
If this person is saying that 
you're asking for too much, 

284
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,280
again, it's not to say that 
they're a shit person. 

285
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,360
It's not to say that they are 
the worst and you're amazing. 

286
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:37,760
It's not about anyone being 
right. 

287
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:40,960
It's about you spending time 
with people that make you feel 

288
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,160
valued. 
It's about you spending time 

289
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:47,070
with people that feed you. 
And people that you get to do 

290
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:50,630
that too because it is 
reciprocated #3. 

291
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:57,110
Lack of communication often 
equals misinterpretation and a 

292
00:15:57,110 --> 00:16:00,830
likelihood for. 
Problems, which often then 

293
00:16:00,830 --> 00:16:03,950
equals resentment. 
So let me break that down. 

294
00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:09,310
First of all, miscommunication. 
Lack of communication, not being

295
00:16:09,310 --> 00:16:14,540
clear on what you're thinking, 
feeling, how how you perceived. 

296
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:19,620
Maybe a conversation or a 
situation with somebody often 

297
00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:24,620
leads to there not being a clear
conversation about what actually

298
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:26,540
happened or what was actually 
said. 

299
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,780
When you don't actually go and 
communicate about those things 

300
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,140
that happened or were said. 
Or how you're. 

301
00:16:32,140 --> 00:16:37,140
Feeling or whatever it is, it 
can cause problems, it can cause

302
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:41,740
often resentment and from either
side, you or that person, right.

303
00:16:42,330 --> 00:16:46,770
You need people in your life who
are willing to communicate 

304
00:16:46,770 --> 00:16:52,010
clearly, openly, honestly, 
lovingly, fairly. 

305
00:16:52,570 --> 00:16:58,650
You need people in your life who
want you to feel safe with them.

306
00:16:59,010 --> 00:17:03,930
People who want you to feel like
you can trust them. 

307
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:09,089
And if you are with somebody or 
you're friends with somebody who

308
00:17:09,089 --> 00:17:11,329
seems to be constantly holding 
back like. 

309
00:17:11,910 --> 00:17:15,510
Oh, I'm not going to tell you 
that I love you because that's 

310
00:17:15,510 --> 00:17:17,589
too that. 
Like, you might use that against

311
00:17:17,589 --> 00:17:19,710
me or I'm not going to tell you 
honest things because you might 

312
00:17:19,710 --> 00:17:22,470
use that against me. 
If you are around people who act

313
00:17:22,470 --> 00:17:25,310
like the world is how to get 
them who have that victim 

314
00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:31,790
mentality. 
It's not going to last and it 

315
00:17:31,790 --> 00:17:34,510
won't. 
Not because of you, of course, 

316
00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:37,680
if you are doing those things, 
but because they aren't at a 

317
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,320
place in their life to have the 
emotional maturity or even maybe

318
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:46,160
the knowledge, maybe the life 
experience to be able to do that

319
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,840
with you. 
And again, this isn't to go, Oh 

320
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:52,760
well, they're they're fucking 
crazy like they're psychopath, 

321
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:56,760
like they're a shit person. 
It's not to say that, it's just 

322
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,680
that you might be in a different
place in your life where you 

323
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:04,680
deserve again that equal space 
with somebody and. 

324
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,400
You want that? 
And that's amazing. 

325
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:11,600
And yes, you can pull people up.
Yes, you can educate people. 

326
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,360
And this is something that I 
think about all the time is 

327
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:17,520
like, yes, you can do that, but 
do you? 

328
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,960
Want to? 
Do. 

329
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:25,560
You want to have to educate your
boyfriend on issues within your 

330
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:29,720
community, whether that's like 
you're a queer community or your

331
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,760
family background, your history,
whatever that is, right? 

332
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,160
Do you want to have to do that? 
Maybe you do. 

333
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,360
Maybe you're excited to share 
that with somebody. 

334
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,320
Maybe for you, you're like, I've
learned this really great way of

335
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,480
thinking that's really helped 
me. 

336
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,840
Let me share that with you. 
And maybe that person is really 

337
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,520
open to it and they want to 
learn and that can be a really 

338
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,600
cool experience because that's 
actually you helping somebody to

339
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,960
grow, and hopefully they're 
helping you to grow in other 

340
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:58,450
ways. 
But that person has to be ready 

341
00:18:58,610 --> 00:19:02,290
to change, ready to work on 
themselves, ready to heal. 

342
00:19:02,450 --> 00:19:05,970
And they have to be putting in 
much more work than you. 

343
00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:10,930
They have to be on that journey.
You can't make someone. 

344
00:19:10,930 --> 00:19:12,770
You can't force someone up with 
you. 

345
00:19:12,770 --> 00:19:16,330
Especially if you're in that 
space where you are feeling good

346
00:19:16,370 --> 00:19:20,250
and energized and confident and 
like wanting to move forward in 

347
00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:22,940
your life. 
Maybe you can help somebody 

348
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:26,940
along the way with boundaries, 
but, and I was, and again, I'm 

349
00:19:26,940 --> 00:19:30,140
not saying you have to fully cut
them out of your life, but you 

350
00:19:30,140 --> 00:19:35,020
can't drag someone along because
ultimately it often does pull 

351
00:19:35,020 --> 00:19:36,940
you back because you're going to
have days where you don't feel 

352
00:19:36,940 --> 00:19:39,140
your best, right. 
You're going to have days where 

353
00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:43,170
maybe you say the wrong thing or
you do the wrong thing, and what

354
00:19:43,170 --> 00:19:45,450
you want to be able to have is 
people in your life who can pull

355
00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:48,250
you up in those moments. 
And if you are with somebody, 

356
00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:51,250
especially a relationship, 
especially a close partner, 

357
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:54,650
boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever 
that looks like, it's really 

358
00:19:54,970 --> 00:19:58,050
tough if you are. 
Constantly pulling that person 

359
00:19:58,050 --> 00:20:01,770
with you. 
And I don't want to gender this 

360
00:20:01,770 --> 00:20:04,210
fully because of course this 
isn't always the case. 

361
00:20:04,410 --> 00:20:09,530
But I do see this with a lot of 
women who are very much invested

362
00:20:09,770 --> 00:20:14,320
in their their growth. 
In their Wellness, in their 

363
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:19,160
sexual health, in like wanting 
to create a lives for them and 

364
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,480
they and they have this like 
passion and they have so much to

365
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:28,000
give and unfortunately they give
a lot to men who just aren't 

366
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,560
there yet. 
And again, not to say that 

367
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:34,560
there's anything wrong with 
these people, that person, that 

368
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:39,620
situation, they're potentially 
just not equally filling space 

369
00:20:39,620 --> 00:20:41,940
with you. 
And you want people who are 

370
00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:44,300
going to be on the same 
wavelength as you just because 

371
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:50,420
you deserve it and because it 
makes it fun and exciting and 

372
00:20:50,420 --> 00:20:52,620
you can find people who want to 
do that with you. 

373
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:56,020
And the reason why I'm saying 
I'm obviously not going to fully

374
00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:58,580
gender this or say that that's 
true like men and women and 

375
00:20:58,580 --> 00:21:01,540
obviously like gender is not 
binary. 

376
00:21:02,460 --> 00:21:07,370
But I have a partner who's a 
male and he very much will take 

377
00:21:07,370 --> 00:21:09,970
things on and want to learn 
alongside me. 

378
00:21:10,810 --> 00:21:15,130
He's very happy to do research 
on his own. 

379
00:21:15,890 --> 00:21:19,130
If we have conversations about, 
hey, this is how I want this to 

380
00:21:19,130 --> 00:21:23,370
be communicated in future, he 
will actively change that and he

381
00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:25,010
will say yes, you can pull me up
on that. 

382
00:21:25,170 --> 00:21:27,890
And if he slips up, because that
happens, I slip up all the time,

383
00:21:27,890 --> 00:21:30,380
too. 
If that happens and he doesn't 

384
00:21:30,380 --> 00:21:33,260
do the thing that he said he was
going to do, he knows that I 

385
00:21:33,260 --> 00:21:37,300
have all the right to say, Hey, 
you told me that next time we 

386
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,460
have this kind of conversation, 
you're going to go. 

387
00:21:39,460 --> 00:21:42,700
About it this way. 
And if he doesn't, he'll go, 

388
00:21:42,940 --> 00:21:47,340
You're right, you're right. 
And that's not easy for him to 

389
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:48,820
do, for me to do. 
We both. 

390
00:21:48,860 --> 00:21:51,380
I can think of many examples 
where we both have done this 

391
00:21:51,380 --> 00:21:55,300
poorly, and that's the thing. 
I'm not some savior, and I I 

392
00:21:55,300 --> 00:21:57,140
know you don't think about 
yourself either. 

393
00:21:57,420 --> 00:21:59,900
You're not this person who's 
going to fix everyone around you

394
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:01,980
and you shouldn't fuck. 
You've got enough on your own, 

395
00:22:01,980 --> 00:22:06,020
I'm sure, as everyone does. 
But it's really important that 

396
00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:09,620
that person is ready to 
communicate with you very 

397
00:22:09,620 --> 00:22:15,540
clearly and be on that journey 
with you, not you pulling them 

398
00:22:15,540 --> 00:22:17,500
along. 
Because that is fucking 

399
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:21,510
exhausting. #4, as I'm sure 
you've gathered by now, is that 

400
00:22:21,510 --> 00:22:23,830
relationships take work. 
They do. 

401
00:22:23,830 --> 00:22:26,350
They actually do. 
I think that they should feel 

402
00:22:26,350 --> 00:22:28,710
easy day-to-day. 
Like I think that they should 

403
00:22:28,710 --> 00:22:33,950
feel comfortable and you should 
feel a good, whatever you want 

404
00:22:33,950 --> 00:22:36,070
to call it, energy. 
Your intuition? 

405
00:22:36,070 --> 00:22:38,310
Your gut should tell you that 
that person is a safe and 

406
00:22:38,310 --> 00:22:41,870
healthy person to be with. 
But there is work involved in it

407
00:22:41,870 --> 00:22:44,550
and the reason I bring this up 
is because if you are going 

408
00:22:44,550 --> 00:22:47,520
through something personally. 
Even if that's just a lot of 

409
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,120
change. 
Whatever that is. 

410
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:50,920
Maybe you're thinking of moving 
away. 

411
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,960
Maybe you're starting a new job.
Maybe you're starting at school.

412
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,640
Whatever it is, and you get into
a relationship with somebody at 

413
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:05,200
that time, it can stunt your 
growth in the sense that it can 

414
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,640
make you constantly consider 
what that person is thinking 

415
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,760
about you and the choices you're
making. 

416
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,000
You're making how you're 
feeling. 

417
00:23:13,370 --> 00:23:18,410
And an example of this for me is
when I moved from Canada to 

418
00:23:18,410 --> 00:23:22,370
Australia. 
I had a boyfriend for three 

419
00:23:22,370 --> 00:23:25,650
years at that point and he was 
actually meant to come to 

420
00:23:25,650 --> 00:23:28,610
Australia with me. 
And I remember when he told me 

421
00:23:28,930 --> 00:23:31,810
he wasn't going to come. 
It was really tough for me 

422
00:23:31,810 --> 00:23:34,410
because I was like, OK, what am 
I going to do? 

423
00:23:34,410 --> 00:23:38,310
I knew I didn't really want to 
do long distance it just I think

424
00:23:38,310 --> 00:23:39,670
we're. 
Already on the outs, you know, 

425
00:23:39,670 --> 00:23:40,990
and this is very specific 
example. 

426
00:23:40,990 --> 00:23:43,350
Obviously I'm not saying this is
how everyone should do this. 

427
00:23:43,350 --> 00:23:46,310
I don't not believe in long 
distance or anything, but I I 

428
00:23:46,310 --> 00:23:49,310
knew that wasn't going to work, 
just knowing us. 

429
00:23:50,230 --> 00:23:54,270
And I remember once we broke up 
saying to myself, I'm not going 

430
00:23:54,270 --> 00:23:56,470
to get myself into any serious 
relationship. 

431
00:23:56,470 --> 00:23:59,750
I'm not going to let myself 
really get into having feelings 

432
00:23:59,750 --> 00:24:03,150
for anybody at this point 
because I know I need to go in 

433
00:24:03,570 --> 00:24:06,490
to this experience alone. 
I need to go into this 

434
00:24:06,490 --> 00:24:10,570
experience just myself as the 
individual, ready to change 

435
00:24:10,570 --> 00:24:13,770
things like that. 
Wake up one day and maybe have 

436
00:24:13,770 --> 00:24:17,210
different beliefs, different 
thoughts, different wants, and 

437
00:24:17,210 --> 00:24:19,850
that that would be okay because 
I was doing that on my own. 

438
00:24:20,010 --> 00:24:22,410
When you are in a relationship 
with someone, there are 

439
00:24:22,410 --> 00:24:25,890
sacrifices that have to be made.
I make sacrifices with the 

440
00:24:25,890 --> 00:24:28,730
relationship that I'm in now. 
And so does Sam, my partner, 

441
00:24:28,730 --> 00:24:31,130
right? 
Like we both have to do that. 

442
00:24:31,130 --> 00:24:36,290
Like if I so for example, I want
to live at the beach and that 

443
00:24:36,290 --> 00:24:38,680
might change. 
Justin, you guys know, if you're

444
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:42,320
interested, I have been really 
enjoying living by the beach and

445
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:44,000
he doesn't love it that much. 
He doesn't love the beach. 

446
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,440
He's not really beach boy. 
He's just it's not his thing. 

447
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:52,600
That much you know. 
But we have a car and so where 

448
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:56,400
he works, he can drive with our 
car and he takes the car and I 

449
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,320
don't need it and it's fine. 
And I let him go and do that and

450
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,120
whatever. 
But I like to live here at the 

451
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,750
moment. 
And it's funny because if it 

452
00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:07,710
were up to just him, he wouldn't
be living here. 

453
00:25:07,710 --> 00:25:09,910
But he's makes that sacrifice 
for me. 

454
00:25:10,430 --> 00:25:13,470
There are moments where we 
literally lived like we lived 

455
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:14,910
together, right? 
And just the two of us. 

456
00:25:15,070 --> 00:25:17,590
I have moments where I think, 
fuck, I wish I could live alone.

457
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,960
God, how nice it would be to 
just have like a sleepover with 

458
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,720
the girls, like it just 
sometimes. 

459
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,960
And not that we couldn't do 
that, but it takes again, some 

460
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,360
like, it takes work, It takes 
effort, It takes me organizing 

461
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:31,040
things, being like, oh, can you 
go do this at this time so I can

462
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:32,920
then have the space alone or 
whatever it is. 

463
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:36,400
You know, there's basic shit 
that goes into it, like just 

464
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,720
making sure that you are 
communicating on a regular basis

465
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,200
with that person, which takes 
time. 

466
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,760
Like there is work that goes 
into it. 

467
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:45,870
So my only kind of like warning 
to you here is if you are going 

468
00:25:45,870 --> 00:25:50,070
through change or you are 
wanting to potentially change 

469
00:25:50,070 --> 00:25:51,830
your. 
Life a lot in the near future or

470
00:25:52,310 --> 00:25:54,630
you're going through a struggle 
like something with your mental 

471
00:25:54,630 --> 00:25:56,750
health. 
Sometimes it is better to do 

472
00:25:56,750 --> 00:26:00,310
that with community, with 
friends, with family, sure, and 

473
00:26:00,310 --> 00:26:03,920
maybe even with people that. 
You could see having like an 

474
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,480
attraction to or whatever that 
is. 

475
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,320
But sometimes when you have to 
put in a lot of effort to 

476
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,440
somebody else, you steal from 
what you might need for you. 

477
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,960
So it is important to be aware 
of what season you're in. 

478
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:16,920
If you're thinking of also 
having a romantic relationship 

479
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,760
at that time #5 you are not 
always right. 

480
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:23,480
You are not always right. 
And sometimes you are going to 

481
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:27,480
be proven wrong, especially in 
an argument with somebody. 

482
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:33,470
And it can be really hard for 
you, for everybody, for your 

483
00:26:33,470 --> 00:26:39,110
ego, for your sense of self. 
Like for you know just how you 

484
00:26:39,110 --> 00:26:41,510
feel to realize that you are 
wrong. 

485
00:26:41,710 --> 00:26:46,670
But you need to get good at 
being okay with being wrong and 

486
00:26:46,670 --> 00:26:48,550
you need to get good at 
apologizing. 

487
00:26:48,550 --> 00:26:50,070
I've talked about this before, 
so I'm not going to talk about 

488
00:26:50,070 --> 00:26:53,910
it for too long, but four step 
apology number one. 

489
00:26:53,950 --> 00:26:56,430
I am sorry. 
Say it very clear. 

490
00:26:56,870 --> 00:26:58,270
Very, very clear. 
There's no. 

491
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:00,580
Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Fuck right off. 

492
00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:02,300
OK. 
I'm sorry. 

493
00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:04,580
I'm sorry. 
Is number 1 #2. 

494
00:27:04,580 --> 00:27:06,820
What are you sorry for? 
A lot of people miss that. 

495
00:27:07,140 --> 00:27:08,340
It's not just. 
I'm sorry. 

496
00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:10,300
Oh, are you sorry? 
Because I'm mad at you, right? 

497
00:27:11,020 --> 00:27:12,540
Are you just saying it because 
you know it's going to make me 

498
00:27:12,540 --> 00:27:13,860
feel better? 
That was a big one. 

499
00:27:13,860 --> 00:27:16,880
That the one that was? 
The one, the guy that I was in a

500
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:21,040
relationship with for a few 
years, wait, ages ago, that was 

501
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,640
a big issue. 
And I always would get so pissed

502
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,480
off because I'd be like, OK, 
you're sorry that I'm upset. 

503
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:29,080
You're sorry because we are not 
good right now and we're not all

504
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:30,840
cuddly and you don't like that 
feeling. 

505
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,280
That's why you're sorry, but you
haven't actually taken time to 

506
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,920
reflect on what happened. 
OK. 

507
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:42,590
So that's number two, #3 is 
here's what I'm going to do to 

508
00:27:42,590 --> 00:27:45,550
make it up to you, or here's 
what I'm going to do next time. 

509
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:47,630
You are sorry for? 
It's the here's the future and 

510
00:27:47,630 --> 00:27:51,110
here's how I've actually 
reflected on this thing. #4 is, 

511
00:27:51,270 --> 00:27:53,510
is there anything else? 
It's more of the question. 

512
00:27:53,710 --> 00:27:56,590
Is there anything else that I 
can do to make this? 

513
00:27:56,590 --> 00:28:00,550
Up to you. 
And that process is really 

514
00:28:00,550 --> 00:28:05,410
important, it sounds super like.
I don't know like. 

515
00:28:05,410 --> 00:28:08,610
Technical and so specific and at
1st and I heard that. 

516
00:28:08,610 --> 00:28:10,610
I got that. 
From a counselor that I was 

517
00:28:10,610 --> 00:28:13,610
going to at the time. 
And I remember thinking like 

518
00:28:13,730 --> 00:28:14,970
Jesus, as if I'm going to do 
that. 

519
00:28:14,970 --> 00:28:17,130
Like as if I'm going to. 
Do that every time I apologize. 

520
00:28:17,130 --> 00:28:20,170
Like blah blah blah whatever. 
But actually, I'm telling you, 

521
00:28:20,170 --> 00:28:24,890
it has helped so, so, so much 
because if you and your person 

522
00:28:24,890 --> 00:28:28,320
that you're in a relationship 
with say, OK, we're going to do 

523
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:32,080
this, then when you get into 
those arguments, you can bring 

524
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,320
it up. 
And This is why communicating 

525
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,080
not only when things are bad, 
but communicating when things 

526
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,800
are good is so important. 
Sitting down, being like, hey, I

527
00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,080
want to make our relationship 
better. 

528
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,240
This is something that I've 
noticed, that we can both do 

529
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,920
better. 
Not coming at it with this, hey,

530
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:47,640
I've noticed. 
You're a bit of a piece of shit,

531
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,760
and here's what you have to fix 
more So like, hey, I think that 

532
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,000
we could do better at this, and 
I would like us to both do 

533
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,880
better. 
So number one, I am sorry, #2. 

534
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:59,680
Here's what I'm sorry for, #3 
Here's what I'm going to do next

535
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:04,680
time to be different. #4 is, 
what can I do to make it up to 

536
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:06,120
you? 
Is there anything that I can do 

537
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,360
giving that person space to 
actually now receive that 

538
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:13,560
apology and potentially say I 
actually don't forgive you right

539
00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:14,880
now? 
I'm going to work on forgiving 

540
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:18,080
you, or I'm going to work on 
learning to trust you again. 

541
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:21,440
But I actually, you know, I I. 
Appreciate your apology, but I 

542
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:26,640
don't actually fully accept it 
to the extent that things are 

543
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,640
now back to the way they were 
before this thing happened. 

544
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,960
And if you're on the other side 
of that, you have all the right 

545
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:35,000
to do that. 
Just so you know, number six, 

546
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,360
things are not always 5050 
sometimes. 

547
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:40,600
And again, I've been saying this
a lot in this episode and This 

548
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:41,800
is why I think this is really 
important. 

549
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:44,920
I saying that things should feel
equal and there should be an 

550
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,240
equal amount of effort. 
Yes, but especially in longterm 

551
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:51,200
relationships, things are not 
always going to be 5050. 

552
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,120
I can tell you guys right now 
that. 

553
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,640
Few months ago, when I was 
really not good and not myself 

554
00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:03,160
and depressed and just feeling 
shit about myself, there were 

555
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,760
many times that I took that out 
of my partner. 

556
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:09,520
There was many times. 
There was times when he would 

557
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,480
come home from work after having
a great day. 

558
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:13,640
And I've been sat on the couch 
all day feeling like shit about 

559
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,280
myself, whatever, you know, in 
this victim mentality, not 

560
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:20,520
feeling good. 
And I took it out on him. 

561
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:22,880
It happened. 
It absolutely happened. 

562
00:30:23,270 --> 00:30:25,270
There's been times when he's 
done similar things right, Of 

563
00:30:25,270 --> 00:30:26,550
course. 
There's been times when he's 

564
00:30:26,550 --> 00:30:31,030
been stressed and he comes off 
as angry or distant or whatever.

565
00:30:31,310 --> 00:30:35,030
There are times when things are 
not always going to be 5050, and

566
00:30:35,030 --> 00:30:38,230
sometimes that does last for 
periods of time. 

567
00:30:38,230 --> 00:30:40,870
Sometimes that's not just one 
fight or one conversation. 

568
00:30:40,870 --> 00:30:43,310
Sometimes that can happen for 
months. 

569
00:30:43,670 --> 00:30:46,910
Sometimes, like you can be with 
somebody and especially if you 

570
00:30:46,990 --> 00:30:49,390
are further along in that 
relationship where maybe you are

571
00:30:49,390 --> 00:30:52,310
living together or there's like 
financial sharing stuff like 

572
00:30:52,310 --> 00:30:54,030
that. 
That person, like, loses their 

573
00:30:54,030 --> 00:30:57,510
job, or that person struggles 
mentally, or that person loses 

574
00:30:57,510 --> 00:30:59,790
somebody in their life, a 
friend, a family member, 

575
00:30:59,790 --> 00:31:02,150
whatever. 
Sometimes things are not always 

576
00:31:02,150 --> 00:31:05,510
going to be 5050. 
And if you're going to be in a 

577
00:31:05,510 --> 00:31:07,710
relationship and you're going to
make the commitment to be in a 

578
00:31:07,710 --> 00:31:10,270
relationship, whether that's 
like monogamous or not or 

579
00:31:10,270 --> 00:31:16,550
whatever, it's a relationship. 
You are ready to sometimes take 

580
00:31:16,550 --> 00:31:20,270
on more than you think you 
should have to, and I'm not 

581
00:31:20,270 --> 00:31:22,350
saying that you're ready to do 
that right now. 

582
00:31:22,350 --> 00:31:25,510
You don't have to be. 
You can be aware of the 

583
00:31:25,510 --> 00:31:28,630
relationships that you are in 
and judge for yourself how much 

584
00:31:28,630 --> 00:31:31,950
you're willing to give, but it's
not always going to feel 

585
00:31:32,150 --> 00:31:37,070
perfect. 5050 all the time. 
And I think often relationships 

586
00:31:37,070 --> 00:31:40,500
end when people start to get 
unbalanced. 

587
00:31:40,740 --> 00:31:43,180
There's been times in my 
relationship with my partner 

588
00:31:43,300 --> 00:31:46,780
where I've been like Oh my God, 
I'm gonna I'm gonna kill him. 

589
00:31:46,900 --> 00:31:49,340
I'm gonna not actually. 
But you know, I'm just. 

590
00:31:50,060 --> 00:31:52,780
Oh my goodness. 
Like I cannot stand you. 

591
00:31:53,140 --> 00:31:55,380
And I would be so much better on
my own right now. 

592
00:31:55,620 --> 00:31:58,980
And for me, I had to realize 
that that came back to I don't 

593
00:32:00,060 --> 00:32:04,300
know, whatever it was this 
superiority complex or my ego or

594
00:32:04,500 --> 00:32:08,040
it came back to. 
Me not being honest with myself 

595
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,840
about when it's been the other 
way around. 

596
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,240
And I think that if you ever 
feel that you should really take

597
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,720
time for self reflection before 
you go and tell the other person

598
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:18,000
that they're a piece of shit, 
OK? 

599
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:21,920
Because I'm sure there are 
things that you have done as 

600
00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:23,640
well. 
I'm sure there are times where 

601
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:26,480
you have needed them more than 
they've needed you. 

602
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,800
Just in terms of, hey, can we 
talk through this thing or can 

603
00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:33,040
you just be there for me? 
Or can you give me a massage? 

604
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:38,620
Or whatever it is, it's not 
always the other person, even if

605
00:32:38,620 --> 00:32:43,700
they're the one who seems to be 
causing the thing at the time #7

606
00:32:43,980 --> 00:32:46,540
is to be. 
Careful dating in your friend 

607
00:32:46,540 --> 00:32:50,500
group because that can get 
really messy really fast. 

608
00:32:50,500 --> 00:32:53,100
I'm not saying you shouldn't. 
Sometimes that's the best. 

609
00:32:53,100 --> 00:32:56,740
Like, sometimes that's so fun, 
and it can be so fucking fun, 

610
00:32:56,740 --> 00:33:03,070
but it can also cause division 
within the friend group, even if

611
00:33:03,070 --> 00:33:06,550
there's just like a fight or if 
there's a breakup, God forbid 

612
00:33:06,830 --> 00:33:10,630
it. 
Like, it can be very messy and 

613
00:33:11,590 --> 00:33:16,030
it's just something that I want 
to flag with you because I have 

614
00:33:16,030 --> 00:33:18,950
done it and I've made that 
mistake and I've looked back and

615
00:33:18,950 --> 00:33:20,910
I've gone, fuck, I shouldn't 
have done that. 

616
00:33:21,510 --> 00:33:23,790
And I was saying you have to 
keep the separation between your

617
00:33:23,790 --> 00:33:26,030
friends and like your dating 
life, because I think that can 

618
00:33:26,030 --> 00:33:29,650
be unhealthy too. 
Trying to keep your your friends

619
00:33:29,650 --> 00:33:31,970
away from that person or that 
person away from your friends. 

620
00:33:31,970 --> 00:33:35,970
You know, I don't think that you
should do that, but I just think

621
00:33:35,970 --> 00:33:40,450
that you should know the risk 
that you are taking by doing 

622
00:33:40,450 --> 00:33:43,970
that, because the moment you do 
that, you are potentially 

623
00:33:43,970 --> 00:33:47,450
setting yourself up for a messy 
ending. 

624
00:33:47,770 --> 00:33:51,450
Now, I will say as well, within 
queer friend groups, this is 

625
00:33:51,490 --> 00:33:53,770
often really. 
Common like this is something 

626
00:33:53,770 --> 00:33:56,810
that happens all the time and 
people will talk about. 

627
00:33:57,180 --> 00:34:02,460
Queer friendship groups and how 
much kind of drama and overlap 

628
00:34:02,500 --> 00:34:06,260
and whatever else there can be 
because there isn't this like 

629
00:34:06,500 --> 00:34:09,940
binary straight division of like
the girls and the boys, you 

630
00:34:09,940 --> 00:34:12,500
know, It's like the girls hang 
out, the boys hang out, the 

631
00:34:12,500 --> 00:34:14,420
girls and boys all come 
together, but there's like that 

632
00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:17,940
separation. 
It's just a beautiful, wonderful

633
00:34:17,940 --> 00:34:21,139
mix of people. 
But that can also come with a 

634
00:34:21,139 --> 00:34:24,790
lot of pain as well. 
And I'll say if you're in that 

635
00:34:24,909 --> 00:34:27,230
and or if you just want to date 
within your friend group and 

636
00:34:27,230 --> 00:34:28,350
you're like ah fuck that, 
whatever. 

637
00:34:28,350 --> 00:34:29,429
I want to have fun. 
I don't care. 

638
00:34:29,429 --> 00:34:31,190
Let me live then. 
Totally fine. 

639
00:34:31,190 --> 00:34:32,750
Do whatever you want. 
Of course you know live your 

640
00:34:32,750 --> 00:34:37,510
best life, but be clear with 
communication so you have a 

641
00:34:37,510 --> 00:34:40,110
friend. 
For example and things are bit 

642
00:34:40,110 --> 00:34:42,550
like flirty he he ha ha you know
here and there. 

643
00:34:43,350 --> 00:34:46,710
But you know that you don't want
to ever lose that person as a 

644
00:34:46,710 --> 00:34:50,699
friend or you know that you just
if you dated within that friend 

645
00:34:50,699 --> 00:34:52,780
group, it might be kind of rough
because maybe there's another 

646
00:34:52,780 --> 00:34:54,780
person in that friend group 
who's actually an ex and then 

647
00:34:54,780 --> 00:34:56,739
they see you hanging out and 
then it's like there's too much 

648
00:34:56,739 --> 00:34:58,620
going on. 
Be clear about the 

649
00:34:58,620 --> 00:35:01,580
communication. 
Tell that person like, yeah I 

650
00:35:01,580 --> 00:35:06,020
know we have fun but we can't 
date because we both know that 

651
00:35:06,020 --> 00:35:08,060
that would be messy and then 
kind of like laugh it off on him

652
00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:09,180
whatever. 
It doesn't have to be a big 

653
00:35:09,180 --> 00:35:12,700
serious thing, but still be 
clear about it and just make 

654
00:35:12,700 --> 00:35:15,750
sure that if that's your 
intention, that if you're going 

655
00:35:15,750 --> 00:35:18,750
to be that flirty, fun, whatever
person with them, amazing, love 

656
00:35:18,750 --> 00:35:23,590
that for you. 
But be aware that you don't want

657
00:35:23,590 --> 00:35:27,030
to put them in a position of 
then wanting to be with you and 

658
00:35:27,030 --> 00:35:30,430
then you having to kind of be 
like, well, you know, you never 

659
00:35:30,430 --> 00:35:33,590
want to miss mislead somebody. 
And I don't think that everyone 

660
00:35:33,590 --> 00:35:35,550
should read into everything. 
I don't think that that's fair. 

661
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:39,270
But I do think it's important if
you know that there's something 

662
00:35:39,270 --> 00:35:42,670
potentially going on in their 
brain about you that you 

663
00:35:42,870 --> 00:35:45,750
address. 
It and you do it finally. 

664
00:35:45,990 --> 00:35:48,510
And it doesn't come from this. 
Like I know you're in love with 

665
00:35:48,510 --> 00:35:51,230
me place. 
It comes from a I just want to 

666
00:35:51,310 --> 00:35:53,190
make sure that we're clear on 
like what our relationship 

667
00:35:53,190 --> 00:35:55,590
actually means to both of us. 
And I think that's really 

668
00:35:55,590 --> 00:35:57,270
important. 
So many of the things that I 

669
00:35:57,270 --> 00:36:01,790
talk about here is avoiding 
miscommunication, avoiding 

670
00:36:01,790 --> 00:36:04,590
things coming up, avoiding 
issues that don't need to 

671
00:36:04,590 --> 00:36:06,870
happen. 
It's really important that if 

672
00:36:06,870 --> 00:36:11,790
you feel something, you say it 
and you just leave your ego at 

673
00:36:11,790 --> 00:36:15,700
the door, you leave your fear of
how they're going to respond to 

674
00:36:15,700 --> 00:36:21,140
you at the door, and you set 
yourself up for wins down the 

675
00:36:21,140 --> 00:36:26,500
line #8 is to learn to fight 
well with healthy boundaries. 

676
00:36:26,780 --> 00:36:30,100
If you're in any kind of 
relationship, there's likely to 

677
00:36:30,100 --> 00:36:32,700
be things that come up where 
there's some sort of 

678
00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:35,260
disagreement, some sort of 
argument, whatever that is. 

679
00:36:35,260 --> 00:36:38,340
And it is up to you and that 
person to decide what your 

680
00:36:38,340 --> 00:36:41,180
boundaries are within that. 
And I'm going to give you a few 

681
00:36:41,180 --> 00:36:44,290
examples of what mine are with 
my partner. 

682
00:36:44,290 --> 00:36:45,610
You might want to use these as 
well. 

683
00:36:45,610 --> 00:36:47,330
But again, these can look like 
anything. 

684
00:36:47,330 --> 00:36:49,970
This isn't right or wrong. 
This is what works for you guys.

685
00:36:50,210 --> 00:36:54,370
For US1 is that we don't yell. 
And if one of us starts to raise

686
00:36:54,370 --> 00:36:58,770
our voice, sometimes it's me. 
OK, surprise, surprise, I get 

687
00:36:58,770 --> 00:37:02,570
fiery saying, please lower your 
voice. 

688
00:37:02,930 --> 00:37:05,970
And that can be a stern thing 
That doesn't have to be a hey, 

689
00:37:05,970 --> 00:37:09,170
honey, I've noticed that you're 
speaking loudly and I would 

690
00:37:09,170 --> 00:37:12,410
actually like it if you. 
No, no, it can be like, OK, 

691
00:37:12,700 --> 00:37:15,020
lower your voice. 
You know, it can be like that. 

692
00:37:15,020 --> 00:37:17,380
We've both done it to each 
other, and we both know that 

693
00:37:17,380 --> 00:37:20,300
that is a thing that we've said 
that we will not do. 

694
00:37:20,540 --> 00:37:22,580
And I will tell you it's not 
necessary. 

695
00:37:22,780 --> 00:37:24,580
Doesn't help get the point 
across anymore. 

696
00:37:24,820 --> 00:37:28,820
And it creates, if anything, a 
sense of fear in the other 

697
00:37:28,820 --> 00:37:34,820
person, sense of discomfort. 
It creates kind of like a power 

698
00:37:34,820 --> 00:37:37,300
dynamic. 
Like often when you're raising 

699
00:37:37,300 --> 00:37:39,620
your voice, what you're doing is
you're trying to get yourself to

700
00:37:39,620 --> 00:37:42,590
be heard and to get yourself to 
be heard. 

701
00:37:42,790 --> 00:37:46,430
There's so much more power in 
slowing down and saying the 

702
00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:49,990
words that you need to say with 
conviction rather than yelling 

703
00:37:49,990 --> 00:37:53,270
them with anger. 
And like swearing and and doing 

704
00:37:53,270 --> 00:37:56,830
things that in that context 
isn't necessary. 

705
00:37:56,950 --> 00:38:00,230
I know it's hard, but it is 
important that if you can't do 

706
00:38:00,230 --> 00:38:01,830
that in the moment, if you are 
so. 

707
00:38:01,830 --> 00:38:05,470
Riled up that you are yelling 
and swearing, or maybe just like

708
00:38:05,470 --> 00:38:08,750
saying things that you shouldn't
be saying, that you'd say, I 

709
00:38:08,750 --> 00:38:10,230
need to take a second to cool 
down. 

710
00:38:10,690 --> 00:38:12,570
I need a second. 
And maybe for you, in the 

711
00:38:12,570 --> 00:38:14,170
moment, it's not going to look 
squeaky clean. 

712
00:38:14,290 --> 00:38:16,930
Maybe for you that's going to 
look like being like, I just 

713
00:38:16,930 --> 00:38:18,770
can't talk about this right now 
and storming off and going into 

714
00:38:18,770 --> 00:38:19,890
the bathroom and having a little
cry. 

715
00:38:20,090 --> 00:38:22,210
It doesn't matter. 
Like, I mean, it doesn't matter.

716
00:38:22,210 --> 00:38:26,250
It doesn't matter. 
If you are perfect with it, but 

717
00:38:26,250 --> 00:38:28,370
it's important that you go have 
that space. 

718
00:38:28,370 --> 00:38:31,570
If you need to have that space, 
OK another one is. 

719
00:38:31,570 --> 00:38:34,330
I already mentioned it. 
Not swearing, obviously, I swear

720
00:38:34,330 --> 00:38:38,920
all the back in time, but not 
being like, and then you didn't 

721
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:42,320
even fucking do it after you 
said that you were going to or 

722
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:46,480
whatever. 
Because again, it just, it's 

723
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:50,480
just another thing that puts 
emotion at the forefront. 

724
00:38:50,720 --> 00:38:54,920
It puts anger at the forefront. 
It puts trying to overpower at 

725
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,200
the forefront and it isn't 
productive. 

726
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:58,680
And that's what we're looking to
do. 

727
00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:01,920
It's not about what I should be 
able to do this, right? 

728
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,120
If that's your attitude, I'm 
sorry. 

729
00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:07,240
If that's your attitude of, 
well, I should be able to yell 

730
00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:08,920
if I want. 
I'm angry if that. 

731
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,560
You know, if that's where you're
coming from, you just stop for a

732
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:13,360
second and go, OK, but is it 
productive? 

733
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:15,800
And that's what we're always 
trying to do, is pull out what's

734
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:18,480
productive, What's helpful here?
What's actually going to help us

735
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:21,200
to move forward in a way that we
both want to move forward in? 

736
00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,640
It's OK to feel emotion. 
Absolutely. 

737
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:27,440
And the person that you're with 
should be able to validate that 

738
00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:30,840
emotion, but your actions are 
still your responsibility. 

739
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,480
How you speak to someone and how
people speak to you. 

740
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:37,360
What you say and what people say
to you is still yours. 

741
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:40,800
And there's responsibility. 
Another boundary is when we have

742
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:42,880
conversations. 
If it's late at night, we're 

743
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:45,600
about to fall asleep. 
Don't bring shit up. 

744
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:49,560
Don't bring shit up. 
If every if anyone's tired, if 

745
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:54,160
anyone is drunk or high or you 
name it, don't bring it up, OK? 

746
00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:57,080
There are times to have 
conversations, and that time 

747
00:39:57,080 --> 00:39:59,680
does not need to be right now. 
Even though you feel things, 

748
00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:01,880
even though you have thoughts, 
even though you have emotions. 

749
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:05,900
Again, your responsibility. #9 
Know when to let it go. 

750
00:40:05,940 --> 00:40:08,020
Not everything has to be a 
conversation. 

751
00:40:08,020 --> 00:40:10,220
OK, sometimes. 
There are just things that 

752
00:40:10,220 --> 00:40:12,180
bother you about the person that
you're with. 

753
00:40:12,500 --> 00:40:14,740
Everyone is going to be annoying
to some extent. 

754
00:40:14,740 --> 00:40:17,340
OK? 
There is shit that I do that 

755
00:40:17,340 --> 00:40:20,940
pisses off Sam all the time. 
There's stuff that I do that 

756
00:40:20,940 --> 00:40:23,620
pisses off my friends, right? 
There's stuff that they do that 

757
00:40:23,620 --> 00:40:26,900
pisses me off, but not. 
Everything has to be a big 

758
00:40:26,900 --> 00:40:30,200
conversation unless you're 
sitting there and this is been 

759
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:33,360
going on for over and over and 
over ages and you've said to 

760
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:35,920
them, you know, hey, I really 
want you to start doing this 

761
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:37,800
thing. 
Can you please just start, I 

762
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:41,280
don't know, picking up after 
yourself like something like a 

763
00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:45,080
laundry thing or the dishes or 
if I can something stupid. 

764
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:47,480
And you're starting to actually 
get to the point where you're 

765
00:40:47,480 --> 00:40:51,120
like, this makes me feel like 
you don't value our relationship

766
00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:55,160
or this makes me feel like you 
think that I'm gonna do these 

767
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,040
things for you because I always 
end up doing them. 

768
00:40:57,040 --> 00:41:00,630
And I don't want to be put in 
that space of I'm not your 

769
00:41:00,630 --> 00:41:03,310
fucking mom or whatever. 
You know, if that's how you 

770
00:41:03,310 --> 00:41:06,750
feel, sure, you know, sit down, 
have that conversation. 

771
00:41:06,990 --> 00:41:09,230
But not every little annoying 
thing needs to be a 

772
00:41:09,230 --> 00:41:10,510
conversation. 
And this is. 

773
00:41:10,510 --> 00:41:14,030
Something that I've had to 
learn, guys I used to be sitting

774
00:41:14,030 --> 00:41:16,270
beside. 
This is so embarrassing. 

775
00:41:16,270 --> 00:41:19,910
But I'm telling you because I 
hope you relate to a certain 

776
00:41:19,910 --> 00:41:23,030
extent, and I know that I needed
to hear this OK. 

777
00:41:23,030 --> 00:41:25,990
I'd be sitting on the couch 
beside him and I could hear him 

778
00:41:25,990 --> 00:41:32,060
breathing. 
And I would be so irritable for 

779
00:41:32,060 --> 00:41:34,980
whatever reason where I could be
PMS saying I could be super 

780
00:41:34,980 --> 00:41:36,260
tired. 
I used to have to wake up all 

781
00:41:36,260 --> 00:41:38,660
the time at like 5:00 AM because
I used to teach Pilates and I 

782
00:41:38,660 --> 00:41:40,420
would always be fucking tired 
and whatever. 

783
00:41:41,020 --> 00:41:43,180
So irritable. 
That, and I wouldn't deal with 

784
00:41:43,180 --> 00:41:45,020
it myself, right? 
I didn't create the boundaries I

785
00:41:45,020 --> 00:41:46,740
needed. 
I wouldn't say, hey, I actually 

786
00:41:46,740 --> 00:41:48,860
need time alone right now. 
I would just whatever, Let's 

787
00:41:48,860 --> 00:41:49,620
just hang out. 
Whatever. 

788
00:41:49,620 --> 00:41:50,820
I'll just. 
You want to hang out? 

789
00:41:50,820 --> 00:41:51,660
Sure. 
If let you know. 

790
00:41:52,180 --> 00:41:54,140
I would just sit there. 
I'd hear him breathing and I 

791
00:41:54,140 --> 00:41:56,610
would just look at him. 
I'd look at him and he'd go, 

792
00:41:56,610 --> 00:42:00,770
what so mean? 
And I'd go, hey, you're just, 

793
00:42:00,770 --> 00:42:03,410
it's like it's like you are 
huffing and puffing. 

794
00:42:03,570 --> 00:42:06,370
Like, and he's like, I'm 
literally breathing. 

795
00:42:06,690 --> 00:42:09,650
There are certain things that 
you just have to learn to be 

796
00:42:09,650 --> 00:42:12,930
patient with, and if you're 
getting triggered by things that

797
00:42:12,930 --> 00:42:16,450
you know shouldn't be a big 
deal, it's on you. 

798
00:42:16,770 --> 00:42:18,730
It's on you, babe. 
You got to go sort it out. 

799
00:42:18,770 --> 00:42:21,490
You got to go sort it out and 
maybe that literally looks like 

800
00:42:21,490 --> 00:42:24,330
being like I think. 
Like pausing the show. 

801
00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:28,000
Right. 
Pausing the movie, just saying, 

802
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:29,960
or maybe, you know, you're on a 
date or something, you're like, 

803
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:32,760
don't leave, you know, But 
saying I think later, I need 

804
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:35,000
some alone time or I think I 
actually need some alone time 

805
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,960
right now because I shouldn't be
with anybody. 

806
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:40,400
And that's okay, You know, to 
communicate that boundary is 

807
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:42,080
really important. 
And if they get offended by 

808
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:44,840
that, like, oh, what, you're not
feeling good, so you don't want 

809
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:46,480
to be with me. 
What you don't like, I can't 

810
00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:48,280
help you. 
What like if that becomes a bit 

811
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:52,200
of like if they have a negative 
reaction to it, remember? 

812
00:42:52,810 --> 00:42:57,370
To remind them that you're doing
it for your sake, which is 

813
00:42:57,370 --> 00:42:59,450
important, but also for their 
sake, like. 

814
00:42:59,890 --> 00:43:02,010
Trust me, you don't want to be 
around me right now I'm feeling 

815
00:43:02,010 --> 00:43:03,410
like a bit of a bitch. 
OK? 

816
00:43:03,610 --> 00:43:06,570
And that is fine. 
And that's good. 

817
00:43:06,570 --> 00:43:08,170
That's good. 
If you can recognize that in 

818
00:43:08,170 --> 00:43:12,570
yourself now I I hope to think. 
I like to think that I'm. 

819
00:43:12,970 --> 00:43:18,130
A lot less explosive and a lot 
more loving and kind. 

820
00:43:18,130 --> 00:43:21,180
And I know that I am because. 
I've definitely worked on that. 

821
00:43:21,900 --> 00:43:25,460
But yeah, super important that 
you're not putting your just 

822
00:43:25,460 --> 00:43:28,900
regular daily, you know, 
day-to-day emotions and feelings

823
00:43:29,180 --> 00:43:32,780
on them for doing basic, normal 
shit, OK? 

824
00:43:32,780 --> 00:43:35,580
Not everything needs to be a 
conversation, and if things 

825
00:43:35,580 --> 00:43:38,580
happen once or twice where it 
genuinely is something that they

826
00:43:38,580 --> 00:43:40,900
shouldn't do, Like they 
shouldn't leave something around

827
00:43:40,900 --> 00:43:43,940
the house and just fuck right 
off and wait for you to clean it

828
00:43:43,940 --> 00:43:45,580
up. 
Or, you know, they shouldn't 

829
00:43:45,580 --> 00:43:48,350
just say something as a joke 
that's really hurtful that 

830
00:43:48,350 --> 00:43:50,150
you've asked them not to joke 
about or something like that, 

831
00:43:50,150 --> 00:43:53,670
right? 
Maybe once it happens and you go

832
00:43:53,670 --> 00:43:55,150
okay, I'm going to let it go 
this time. 

833
00:43:55,390 --> 00:43:57,590
Then if it keeps happening, 
maybe you have a conversation. 

834
00:43:57,590 --> 00:44:00,510
But again, try to have that 
conversation. 

835
00:44:00,590 --> 00:44:02,630
I would have you been talking 
about this whole time, the 

836
00:44:02,630 --> 00:44:06,030
communication. 
Try to have it when you can. 

837
00:44:06,030 --> 00:44:10,070
Have a good, normal, regular 
conversation about it, rather 

838
00:44:10,070 --> 00:44:13,810
than letting it get to the point
where you build up all of this 

839
00:44:13,810 --> 00:44:17,170
anger and then you explode on 
them, because that is not fair 

840
00:44:17,170 --> 00:44:18,610
to them. 
It's not fair to you. 

841
00:44:18,610 --> 00:44:21,970
It sucks for everybody and it's 
not worth it #10OK. 

842
00:44:22,210 --> 00:44:27,570
If you have said that you 
forgive somebody, actually 

843
00:44:27,570 --> 00:44:34,530
forgive them and try to move on.
Don't keep tabs on someone's 

844
00:44:34,530 --> 00:44:38,250
wrongdoings. 
Don't keep tabs on all the times

845
00:44:38,250 --> 00:44:43,280
that they have done the thing. 
I will say if if somebody says, 

846
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:45,240
and this could be a friend, this
could be anyone really. 

847
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:49,800
If someone says I'm going to 
change this, I am telling you 

848
00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:52,200
moving forward, I'm going to 
change this behavior or I'm not 

849
00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:54,280
going to say that thing anymore.
I'm not going to do that thing 

850
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:57,120
anymore. 
Obviously you have the knowledge

851
00:44:57,120 --> 00:44:59,120
that they've done it before and 
you now have had the 

852
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:00,640
conversation that they're going 
to change. 

853
00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:03,680
If they don't change, yes, you 
can pull them up on it. 

854
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:07,800
Yes, you can make them 
accountable to that and they 

855
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,980
should give you this base. 
For you to have been able to say

856
00:45:11,660 --> 00:45:15,700
like okay, if this happens 
again, I'm going to throw a fit 

857
00:45:15,700 --> 00:45:20,340
because this this is not okay, 
but it's really important that 

858
00:45:20,700 --> 00:45:25,260
you try to really move on. 
If you aren't able to move on 

859
00:45:25,260 --> 00:45:28,140
from a situation like you aren't
able to trust that person right 

860
00:45:28,140 --> 00:45:32,620
away or whatever, you have to 
work through it with them, but 

861
00:45:32,620 --> 00:45:35,700
also on your own. 
Trust is a whole topic that we 

862
00:45:35,700 --> 00:45:39,740
could really get into. 
But it's something that you have

863
00:45:39,740 --> 00:45:43,820
to be willing to do within 
yourself and be honest with them

864
00:45:43,860 --> 00:45:46,860
about not trusting them. 
And that's hard. 

865
00:45:46,860 --> 00:45:49,500
Like they might be thinking 
well, but I apologize, but I 

866
00:45:49,500 --> 00:45:51,940
said it was hard. 
Well, if I can still did the 

867
00:45:51,940 --> 00:45:53,740
thing. 
OK, You still said the thing. 

868
00:45:53,740 --> 00:45:57,380
You still did the thing. 
And you don't owe anybody your 

869
00:45:57,380 --> 00:46:00,620
trust, especially if they've 
done something to break that 

870
00:46:00,620 --> 00:46:03,260
trust, especially if they've 
done something to. 

871
00:46:04,030 --> 00:46:06,630
Hurt you and they knew it was 
going to hurt you or whatever, 

872
00:46:06,630 --> 00:46:08,150
even if they didn't know it was 
going to hurt you, right? 

873
00:46:08,550 --> 00:46:10,070
It doesn't really matter their 
intentions. 

874
00:46:10,070 --> 00:46:11,990
The point is that they did 
something and they should know 

875
00:46:11,990 --> 00:46:15,310
you better, right? 
Like, it's really important that

876
00:46:15,390 --> 00:46:21,310
you try your best to not keep 
tabs and not have this backlog 

877
00:46:21,310 --> 00:46:23,870
in your brain of see. 
That's why you're a piece of 

878
00:46:23,870 --> 00:46:25,950
shit, right? 
Because if you're doing that, 

879
00:46:26,990 --> 00:46:30,470
you're probably already having 
some sort of belief about them 

880
00:46:30,470 --> 00:46:35,260
in the first place. 
You keeping tabs on it is likely

881
00:46:35,260 --> 00:46:38,460
just you trying to prove a point
for yourself. 

882
00:46:38,460 --> 00:46:44,420
Psychologically, you have an 
idea of how someone is, You have

883
00:46:44,420 --> 00:46:48,620
an idea about who they are, what
they're experiencing, what 

884
00:46:48,620 --> 00:46:50,860
they're like. 
And you're just trying to prove 

885
00:46:50,860 --> 00:46:54,260
to yourself over and over that 
they are that thing and they 

886
00:46:54,260 --> 00:46:57,100
will never be able to get. 
Out of that box, in your head 

887
00:46:57,300 --> 00:47:00,220
until you actually sit down and 
think through whether or not you

888
00:47:00,260 --> 00:47:02,180
and genuinely believe that about
them. 

889
00:47:02,690 --> 00:47:05,850
If you do believe it about them,
then you've got to think it 

890
00:47:05,850 --> 00:47:07,970
through and maybe have a 
conversation eventually. 

891
00:47:08,050 --> 00:47:11,850
If you don't, you need to let it
go and you need to figure out 

892
00:47:11,850 --> 00:47:14,610
where that might be coming from 
because you might be thinking 

893
00:47:14,610 --> 00:47:17,610
about your parents relationship.
You might be thinking about your

894
00:47:17,610 --> 00:47:20,410
last relationship and that isn't
fair to them. 

895
00:47:21,450 --> 00:47:24,330
Going into a relationship and 
saying I'm not going to trust 

896
00:47:24,330 --> 00:47:27,130
you because I've been hurt 
before is not fair. 

897
00:47:28,450 --> 00:47:31,520
Going into a relationship and 
saying you're going to do what 

898
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:35,320
this person did because everyone
does that to me isn't logical, 

899
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:38,600
isn't fair, and isn't 
productive. 

900
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:41,960
Now if this person actually did 
do something to. 

901
00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:44,960
Hurt your trust. 
It's important that, like I said

902
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:48,200
earlier, you communicate that 
you don't trust them to the 

903
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:51,400
extent that you used to, and 
that might be really hurtful for

904
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:54,360
them to hear, But it's important
that you're honest about it 

905
00:47:54,360 --> 00:47:56,560
because hopefully that person is
willing to go. 

906
00:47:57,080 --> 00:48:00,260
I accept that. 
I understand that. 

907
00:48:01,180 --> 00:48:06,420
Help me like tell me how I can 
help you to trust me again and 

908
00:48:06,660 --> 00:48:10,060
hopefully go on that journey 
with you, because trust can be 

909
00:48:10,060 --> 00:48:13,500
restored. 
I've seen it and I've seen it in

910
00:48:13,500 --> 00:48:16,140
other relationships as well and 
other friendships. 

911
00:48:16,140 --> 00:48:19,900
And I do think that restoration 
and coming back from something 

912
00:48:20,220 --> 00:48:21,780
is possible. 
And I think that it's really 

913
00:48:21,780 --> 00:48:26,700
important to believe that like 
just as a general idea, that. 

914
00:48:27,530 --> 00:48:30,610
Nothing is just like one and 
done like there's always room 

915
00:48:30,610 --> 00:48:32,250
for redemption. 
This is a big reason why. 

916
00:48:32,250 --> 00:48:35,770
Like, I really don't like cancel
culture because, you know, 

917
00:48:35,770 --> 00:48:38,210
there's some things that are 
pretty like maybe I'm not going 

918
00:48:38,210 --> 00:48:40,450
to support that person anymore. 
You know, there are certain 

919
00:48:40,450 --> 00:48:42,770
things that it's like, maybe 
that's where you draw the line. 

920
00:48:43,010 --> 00:48:48,930
But I don't like that one 
mistake from somebody can cause 

921
00:48:48,930 --> 00:48:52,850
their whole life to be derailed.
I don't like that it can not 

922
00:48:52,850 --> 00:48:54,810
give that person any space to 
come back. 

923
00:48:54,810 --> 00:48:59,030
I think it's important. 
That redemption is a value, at 

924
00:48:59,030 --> 00:49:01,310
least it is one for me. 
Of course you need to have the 

925
00:49:01,310 --> 00:49:05,870
boundaries to know what you can 
handle, but trust and rebuilding

926
00:49:05,870 --> 00:49:09,430
trust is possible. 
But don't tell somebody that 

927
00:49:09,430 --> 00:49:11,190
everything's OK. 
All good. 

928
00:49:11,190 --> 00:49:12,430
No worries. 
I forgive you. 

929
00:49:12,430 --> 00:49:14,870
I trust you now. 
But then secretly keep these 

930
00:49:14,870 --> 00:49:17,910
like tabs in your brain. 
Not forgive and forget, you 

931
00:49:17,910 --> 00:49:20,030
know. 
Don't forget You still have that

932
00:49:20,030 --> 00:49:21,870
knowledge and they know you have
that knowledge, right? 

933
00:49:21,870 --> 00:49:23,750
Hopefully they are not going to 
be like. 

934
00:49:23,870 --> 00:49:25,510
Well, you said that you forgive 
me and. 

935
00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:27,910
Do it fucking again. 
Of course you're not an idiot, 

936
00:49:27,910 --> 00:49:31,110
you know. 
But try to get away from that 

937
00:49:31,110 --> 00:49:34,110
keeping tab situation. 
And if you notice yourself doing

938
00:49:34,110 --> 00:49:36,790
that, you have to have a 
conversation, or you need to 

939
00:49:36,790 --> 00:49:39,750
leave that relationship, or you 
need to figure that out within 

940
00:49:39,750 --> 00:49:43,150
yourself, because it will just 
boil and it will cause 

941
00:49:43,150 --> 00:49:47,590
resentment and it might start to
cause issues in other areas that

942
00:49:47,590 --> 00:49:51,230
are completely unrelated. 
And sometimes relationships end 

943
00:49:51,870 --> 00:49:55,670
for reasons that it wasn't even 
like the real reason, and no one

944
00:49:55,670 --> 00:49:57,790
was willing to say the real 
reason anyways. 

945
00:49:57,870 --> 00:50:01,030
And that's a really immature way
to go about communication and 

946
00:50:01,030 --> 00:50:03,750
relationships. 
I believe that you deserve. 

947
00:50:03,750 --> 00:50:05,630
All the love I believe that you 
deserve. 

948
00:50:05,630 --> 00:50:11,790
Someone who makes you feel safe 
and wanted and cared for. 

949
00:50:11,950 --> 00:50:15,310
I believe that there are really,
really amazing people out there 

950
00:50:15,350 --> 00:50:19,390
who want to do that for you. 
Friends, lovers, whatever. 

951
00:50:19,670 --> 00:50:21,950
I think that there. 
Are really, really awesome 

952
00:50:21,950 --> 00:50:24,550
people and I don't think that 
you should settle. 

953
00:50:24,870 --> 00:50:26,950
I hear this all the time and 
like my TikTok comments of 

954
00:50:26,950 --> 00:50:29,590
people being like, yeah, well, 
like men these days, or like 

955
00:50:29,750 --> 00:50:32,430
men, blah blah blah blah blah. 
And I joke about it too. 

956
00:50:32,430 --> 00:50:34,310
And I get that that's a thing, 
you know? 

957
00:50:34,670 --> 00:50:36,720
But. 
When it comes down to it, if 

958
00:50:36,720 --> 00:50:39,600
your belief is that, well, 
everybody's this way anyways or 

959
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:41,360
all, I'm never going to end up 
with a guy that actually 

960
00:50:41,360 --> 00:50:43,080
prioritizes me or a girl or 
whoever. 

961
00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:45,440
I'm not going to end up in that 
situation, so I might as well 

962
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:48,000
just deal with it. 
And you know, you can't ask for 

963
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,960
everything and you have to make 
sacrifices and you're constantly

964
00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:54,960
giving people all these excuses.
You need to stop because there 

965
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:58,200
are really, really amazing 
people who will give you. 

966
00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:02,880
Lots of love and are fair and 
want to communicate and 

967
00:51:02,880 --> 00:51:05,080
hopefully have done that on 
their own. 

968
00:51:05,450 --> 00:51:07,210
Because yes, you can teach 
people things. 

969
00:51:07,210 --> 00:51:10,650
Yes, you can educate them. 
Yes, they might do that for you 

970
00:51:10,650 --> 00:51:13,690
and and whatever else, but you 
shouldn't have to be the sole 

971
00:51:13,690 --> 00:51:16,850
person doing that in your 
relationship and if you are. 

972
00:51:17,090 --> 00:51:19,330
You're going to be broken down 
so quickly. 

973
00:51:19,330 --> 00:51:21,370
Like the resentment is going to 
be insane. 

974
00:51:21,770 --> 00:51:24,090
It will cause all these fights 
and it will be shit okay and you

975
00:51:24,090 --> 00:51:26,490
don't deserve that. 
You deserve better and you need 

976
00:51:26,490 --> 00:51:28,370
to believe. 
That for yourself. 

977
00:51:28,820 --> 00:51:31,060
I'm sure if you have a partner, 
you've been thinking about them 

978
00:51:31,060 --> 00:51:34,060
throughout this whole episode. 
But if you don't, what I want 

979
00:51:34,060 --> 00:51:37,500
you to do is sit down and think 
about what things you are 

980
00:51:37,500 --> 00:51:41,140
looking for in a partner and 
what things you expect from a 

981
00:51:41,140 --> 00:51:47,260
partner and be serious about it 
and look for that as you go out 

982
00:51:47,260 --> 00:51:49,620
and meet new people. 
Because often we just, we are 

983
00:51:49,620 --> 00:51:51,740
attracted to people and we get 
excited and it's flirty and 

984
00:51:51,740 --> 00:51:53,540
whatever else. 
And then we think, well, we just

985
00:51:53,540 --> 00:51:55,620
have to deal with whatever 
they're dealing with. 

986
00:51:55,620 --> 00:51:58,380
And you know, we don't actually 
look for key things. 

987
00:51:58,380 --> 00:51:59,940
And I think it's really 
important that you know what 

988
00:51:59,940 --> 00:52:03,460
those things are for you and do 
that with your friends too. 

989
00:52:03,620 --> 00:52:07,300
I had a conversation today in a 
one of my friend groups just in 

990
00:52:07,300 --> 00:52:09,780
like a group chat and I said to 
them I was like guys, You have 

991
00:52:09,780 --> 00:52:15,060
no idea how happy I am to have 
people in my life who I know 

992
00:52:15,060 --> 00:52:17,900
regularly reflect on their lives
and what they're putting out 

993
00:52:17,900 --> 00:52:20,060
into the world. 
The energy that they're bringing

994
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:26,300
people that are self reflective 
and and genuine and give a shit 

995
00:52:26,300 --> 00:52:30,260
about how they live their lives.
It's so healing to have healthy 

996
00:52:30,260 --> 00:52:32,900
people around you. 
It's so healing to have people 

997
00:52:32,900 --> 00:52:37,570
with good intentions around you,
and the more you do that for 

998
00:52:37,570 --> 00:52:40,330
yourself, the more you will 
attract it. 

999
00:52:40,410 --> 00:52:44,170
Like, and I'm into all that 
shit, you know, manifestation 

1000
00:52:44,170 --> 00:52:45,810
and all the bullshit. 
I love it. 

1001
00:52:46,290 --> 00:52:51,450
But I also just, I believe it 
because I see it like if you 

1002
00:52:51,610 --> 00:52:55,450
know, for yourself, I'm going to
take care of myself, I'm going 

1003
00:52:55,450 --> 00:52:58,850
to fill my cup, I'm going to 
have healthy boundaries, I'm 

1004
00:52:58,850 --> 00:53:02,240
going to communicate well. 
And you put that out, people 

1005
00:53:02,240 --> 00:53:04,960
will come into your life who do 
that because they'll recognize 

1006
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:07,480
it in you, right? 
If you are going out and 

1007
00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:09,720
thinking I'm looking for that 
and then people see it in you, 

1008
00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:11,560
they're going to gravitate 
towards you. 

1009
00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:16,360
So be in that, not only for 
yourself but also so you 

1010
00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:18,880
naturally get to get those 
relationships. 

1011
00:53:19,480 --> 00:53:21,400
If you feel like, oh, like 
there's no one out there, like, 

1012
00:53:21,400 --> 00:53:26,840
no one's like that, it could 
potentially be you deflecting it

1013
00:53:26,880 --> 00:53:29,330
or. 
You being the one that's 

1014
00:53:29,370 --> 00:53:31,650
blocking those relationships 
from coming into your life right

1015
00:53:31,650 --> 00:53:34,250
now and that's okay. 
And if you notice that right 

1016
00:53:34,250 --> 00:53:36,090
now. 
That's okay because it means 

1017
00:53:36,090 --> 00:53:39,730
that there's room to grow and it
just means that going forward 

1018
00:53:39,730 --> 00:53:42,610
now you're going to start to 
pick up these new beliefs around

1019
00:53:42,610 --> 00:53:44,290
relationships and what you 
deserve. 

1020
00:53:44,610 --> 00:53:47,330
And then those people will come 
in more naturally and you'll 

1021
00:53:47,330 --> 00:53:51,690
look back and you'll go, wow, It
is so important that my mindset 

1022
00:53:51,690 --> 00:53:55,530
and my mentality is clear and 
intentional because it means 

1023
00:53:55,530 --> 00:53:58,250
that other people will get to do
that as well who are around me. 

1024
00:53:58,730 --> 00:54:01,050
All right, Sexies, that is the 
end of today's episode. 

1025
00:54:01,170 --> 00:54:05,370
I hope that you guys enjoy that.
It was very serious, very soft, 

1026
00:54:05,370 --> 00:54:09,330
but I felt like something that 
we needed to talk about. 

1027
00:54:10,130 --> 00:54:13,450
And I'm just so fucking grateful
for this community. 

1028
00:54:13,450 --> 00:54:16,310
I just want to thank you guys so
much because I learned so much 

1029
00:54:16,310 --> 00:54:18,630
from you. 
I've had so much fun just like 

1030
00:54:18,630 --> 00:54:21,070
talking to you guys recently on 
Instagram and TikTok and 

1031
00:54:21,070 --> 00:54:24,310
everything and seeing like 
TikTok grow and stuff a little 

1032
00:54:24,310 --> 00:54:26,230
bit more recently. 
That's been really cool. 

1033
00:54:26,230 --> 00:54:30,870
And it's just like, it's a lot 
of females, a lot of female 

1034
00:54:30,870 --> 00:54:34,790
presence and it's just such a 
safe space for me. 

1035
00:54:35,070 --> 00:54:38,150
And I'm so thankful that I was 
able to have the break that I 

1036
00:54:38,150 --> 00:54:42,350
had. 
But trust me, I am ready now to 

1037
00:54:42,350 --> 00:54:45,020
like really just like get back 
into it. 

1038
00:54:45,020 --> 00:54:48,580
And I'm so happy to be back into
like a mental space where I feel

1039
00:54:48,580 --> 00:54:53,460
like excited and like creative. 
Like, I'm just, I've, I 

1040
00:54:53,460 --> 00:54:55,900
literally fell asleep. 
Two nights ago I was falling 

1041
00:54:55,900 --> 00:54:59,100
asleep, had been like lights out
for like 20 minutes and I just 

1042
00:54:59,100 --> 00:55:00,700
like. 
Thought about everything that I 

1043
00:55:00,700 --> 00:55:02,460
wanted to talk about today 
because it just came into my 

1044
00:55:02,460 --> 00:55:06,810
brain, you know, And so I'm I'm 
in that space now and your 

1045
00:55:06,810 --> 00:55:08,410
support and everything means so 
much to me. 

1046
00:55:08,930 --> 00:55:11,770
If you guys don't follow me on 
Instagram or Tiktok, it is 

1047
00:55:11,810 --> 00:55:14,450
Alyssa Taylor Harper. 
You can come find me there and 

1048
00:55:14,450 --> 00:55:16,330
have a chat with me if you want 
to about any of this. 

1049
00:55:16,330 --> 00:55:18,170
Of course I'm happy to chat with
you guys always. 

1050
00:55:18,970 --> 00:55:22,250
And also we have a Facebook 
podcast group called the She 

1051
00:55:22,250 --> 00:55:24,610
Said what podcast group that you
can go join if you want to hang 

1052
00:55:24,610 --> 00:55:27,530
out and get some community over 
there. 

1053
00:55:27,850 --> 00:55:29,930
And that's basically it. 
Guys. 

1054
00:55:30,210 --> 00:55:33,010
Thank you so much for listening 
and I will see you when I see 

1055
00:55:33,010 --> 00:55:34,500
you. 
Bye guys.