You're listening to She Said, what with your host, Alyssa
Harper. Welcome, or welcome back to, She
Said. What if you guys have not been
here before then? My name is Alyssa Harper, and
this podcast is all about sex and sexuality, relationships,
self growth and you becoming the best version of you.
Today we're going to be talking about my top ten dating tips and
relationship tips that I wish that I knew before now, whether
that be in high school or just as I started dating.
These are all of the things that have proven to be true time and
time again, and things that I think that we don't talk about
enough or we don't necessarily have the resources for generally
unless you go looking for them. I'm really excited to be back
for today's episode because it has been a little while.
It's been about a month or so now and it's gonna be really
fun. You guys are gonna get the whole
little update spiel on my life. So if you don't care about my
life, then kind of rude. But totally fine.
Feel free to skip forward a little bit and that's when we're
gonna get into the topic, OK? All right.
Enjoy. If you are watching the video
right now on Spotify and you are seeing the light go up and down,
just so you know, I have my windows open, there's natural
light happening, and I also have a disco ball over in the corner
and it's creating these little dots behind me on the wall.
If you can see any of them, Oh yeah, there's one.
Hello. There she is.
So that's what's happening. If you're wondering about that.
Holy shit, guys, it's been ages. Oh my God.
It's literally been like, what, a month?
Almost two, Probably I. Just needed a bit of a break.
Kind of was, I know. And if you guys follow me on
Instagram especially and on TikTok as well, I've talked
about it heaps about my mental health and needing to have time
to kind of like refresh, get back into figuring out like what
I really want to speak about and what I think is going to be
valuable for you guys. So thank you so much for being
patient. With me and thank you for all of
your lovely messages along the way.
Also dealing with some kind of health issues and things that
I've talked about on social media.
So please feel free to go get caught up on that.
I'm not going to talk about that for too long, but I will give
you a quick update on my life. OK?
So my parents came, they visited me in Sydney.
I'm Canadian and they live there and that was super fun.
They were here for three weeks. We did heaps we like, went to
the zoo. We ate out a lot to.
That was amazing. I ate so much yummy food.
I spent a lot of money, but that's OK because it was just a
really nice time and so good to see them because I didn't see
them in a year. Then I was at home for about a
week, and then I went to Splendor in the Grass, which was
my first festival ever, which was amazing.
It genuinely turned around so much for me.
I've been going to a therapist at that point now for a few,
maybe like two months or something.
And she had said to me, this is going to be like exposure
therapy for you because social anxiety was something that was
really struggling with Whoa. I just said was that's fucking
crazy because. I went to this.
It literally was exposure therapy.
I got there on the first day. I was like, my God, it's fucking
loud. People are screaming.
Everyone's on drugs. Like, it's just like a very
intense place to be if you have social.
Anxiety, because there's a million fucking people around.
But it was so fun and I got to bring my friend Blue and we had
the best time and we went with Spotify.
So it was my first, like, influencer trip, if you will.
I hate that word, but whatever. It's my first like trip that was
like gifted to me and it was just like such an incredible
experience. I'm so, so fucking thankful that
I got to do that and that the fact that it actually fed me
emotionally and like, literally changed the trajectory of the
following month and up till now. So yeah, came back from that.
Had this feeling of like, oh, like was that just because I was
at the festival and I had such a fun time and coming home?
Was that just like, you know, post Festival high And then I'm
going to go back down into this kind of like?
Low state and I have not, which is awesome actually went to
therapy a few days ago and it was this.
It was funny because I was like, do I cancel my appointment
because I'm like cool now, but I was like, Nah, like I've got to
give her the tea, you know, and it's best like it's good for her
to see what works for me because that will obviously inform
future situations. And so it was such a good
appointment and I got so much out of it and I'm so happy that
I still went. And something that she actually
said to me was now you've proven to yourself that when you are
feeling shit, when you are feeling down or depressed or
really anxious, just not yourself, you know that you can
come out of it and you don't have to be scared that you're
going to lose this energy, this excitement in your life,
whatever it is, you don't have to be scared of that because
that's life. And it happens in seasons.
And maybe you'll have a really tough season or something will
happen. It will be difficult, but then
you'll come out of it and you'll go, wow, OK, I can do hard
things and and things can always eventually look up.
And it just instills that feeling of like hope within you.
And it was really, really powerful.
And I feel like now something that she said as well was just
to keep the momentum going. Like make sure I'm aware of I go
through a few days where I'm not really seeing heaps of friends
or I'm not feeling my best to still be in contact with people.
To still not isolate myself, to not just be I guess just online
or just with my partner, like really be present with multiple
people and keep that community and how important community is.
So it just instilled like new values in me or reminded me of
values that I already had, but again gave me proof as to why
those things are really important.
It was just so so so valuable and coming out of it, I've just
been really excited the last two weeks to be in this like new
energy, like I feel fucking excited about my life and it's
it's really awesome. So thank you guys again for your
patience and for waiting on new episodes to come out.
Today's going to be really fun. I'm excited to share with you
what I have made for today, and then I have some fun episodes
coming up as well that I'm also excited about, particularly more
on sexuality. Something I've been talking
about on TikTok a bit recently that you guys have asked for as
well is content on not feeling gay enough or feeling like you
look too straight to say that you are queer or a bisexual or a
lesbian or whatever it is and kind of talk about the
presentation that queer people feel like they're meant to give
to others and why we feel that and really go in depth on that.
Also, talking about complicated friendship situations within the
queer community will be one, which I'll kind of touch on a
little bit today. But how those relationships can
be difficult because there's sometimes an overlap, especially
in like female friendships. So that's going to be really
interesting. And also, talking about friend
breakups is another one that is going to be coming up as well.
And how that can be sometimes even harder than like a romantic
breakup. Because there's a lot of people
saying a lot of things about going through a romantic
breakup, going through a relationship breakup, but friend
breakups aren't talked about as much, and they can be really
hurtful. And yeah, I just think it's
really important that we createspace for you to have
like, like knowledge on that. And here are the people's
experiences and know that you're not crazy for feeling that way
if you have felt that way with a friend before.
So that's what we have coming up.
I'm super excited to do that. Let's get right into today's
episode. I wanted to make this episode
because I've had some shit relationships in my time.
I've definitely been with people where they don't have the
language to say the things that they want to say.
The communication is bad, like it's a lot of fighting.
A lot of drama, a lot of like victim mentalities coming from
the other person and it's just been it's been complicated.
Like, I've definitely experienced that before.
And these are things that now that I've been in a healthy
relationship for a few years and I've learned so much and I've
not only gone to a couples therapist with that person, his
name is Sam. If you guys don't know or you
don't listen regularly, he's my partner.
And yeah, like, we've just grown so much, both individually and
together, and it's been something that I feel like would
be of value to you guys, because not only right now he might be
single, maybe with a partner. This is for literally anybody.
So feel welcome whoever you are, whether you are straight or gay
or queer or whatever. Whatever you are, this is for
you. Let's.
Get into point number one. OK, #1.
All right, #1 is that you are not a tease.
We're starting out, starting out.
Hot OK. We are not a tease because I
remember, especially when I was younger, being told that if I
didn't want to have sex with somebody, if I didn't want to
fucking do anything with somebody, that I want to kiss
somebody, whatever. But maybe I was flirty, or I
went for a drink with somebody, or I spent time with somebody
that I was a tease. And I want you to know that if
you spend anytime with somebody, whether that is you have a
conversation or you have a dance with them on the dance floor,
you know, or you do anything like you, you talk to that
person every day, whatever it is you do not have.
To then go and do anything else to that person, you don't owe
them anything. You are in charge of what you
do, especially with your body, but also with your emotions.
If you're not willing to fully have that depth of relationship,
obviously communicate that you know.
Don't make them feel like you are going to, but then maybe you
won't later. And of course, I'm talking about
emotions here specifically. Be aware that people might have
feelings towards you and then if you don't reciprocate that but
you maybe you seemed like you did, that could be really hard
for somebody. But I know you're not going to
do that. I'm just giving that as a little
disclaimer. You are definitely not a fucking
tease, especially physically. And when it comes to consent,
even if you say go on a date with somebody, you go home with
somebody, even you get into that space where you are like kind of
about to or you think you might have sex with this person or
you've you've kind of acted as if you would, but then you don't
want to. Consent is not a one time thing.
It happens over and over and there's, you know, it should
happen over and over, I should say in these conversations, in
these situations. And it's something that you can
always update that person on. It can be.
I'm comfortable to, you know, kiss and whatever else right
now, but I just for whatever reason, and it doesn't fucking
matter why you don't want to have sex with them or you don't
want to do something with them and that is fine.
That's completely your prerogative.
And that should be very, very clear to them and they should
have that general understanding already.
And if they don't, that is not a safe person to be with.
And it's also not somebody that you want to be with like you.
Deserve to be with somebody that wants you to enjoy the whole
experience, obviously. But as of course we live in this
like patriarchal society and there's a lot of really shit
messages that we hear on a regular basis, coming not only
from the men in our lives potentially, but also the media
that we consume. And it's so important that we
are aware that at the end of the day, we are firm in what we know
we deserve and we are firm and understanding that we can change
our minds at any time. Point #2 If they wanted to, they
would. And I know you've heard this
before, of course you have. But it's really important that
you actually, like, take it to heart.
Like you don't as the situation happens and you go, Oh well,
maybe they were just tired or oh, maybe they're not getting
back to me because they've got a lot going on.
To a certain extent, sure, but. Like it really doesn't take that
long for someone to send a quick message or whatever.
And if they do need space for whatever reason, I think that is
really important that they communicate that they need that
space rather than just like ghosting you.
Like I'm really obviously not an advocate at all for ghosting.
I think that's really fucked up in friendships and in romantic
relationships. I think it's so, so, so
important that you communicate and people can be really lovely.
You can find partners and people who will literally do so much
for you. Want to hold space for you, of
course, hold space for themselves first to make sure
that they're good. And that's the, you know, you
have to have your cup full to be able to go and fill somebody
else's and. You want to be in that overflow
state to be able to do that for others, but it's so important
that you don't devalue what you deserve and you don't let
yourself make excuses for people time and time again.
Again, like I said, to a certain extent, of course, I'm not
saying that you should always have access to people, as in
like they should talk to you all day long or something like that.
You know, I'm not saying that you should.
They should always feel fully like they're able to be there
for you because sometimes. Will fall short, but if you if
you notice patterns with people where they're not actively
putting in effort, then it's probably not going to work out.
You know, you want someone who is equal in their effort towards
you and maybe it's a relationship where you're like,
this is very casual. We literally talk like twice a
month or something or it's very chill.
We barely see each other and you guys are both on that terms of
those terms of like understanding that, then that's
great. I have friends like that where I
literally see them like maybe once a month and we catch up and
we have the best time and we're both cool with that.
We're both enjoying that. But it's really important that
if you want more from that person and you feel like you're
giving more and they're just not reciprocating it, that you
communicate that and that's fucking hard.
Okay. I'm not saying that's easy.
It's hard to be honest and say like, I really like you or I
really want to spend more time with you.
Or can I ask what's happening in your life right now that maybe
makes it hard for you to spend time with me?
If that person is really honest and they say something, oh you
know I'm doing exams right now or something, you know, I'm I'm,
I'm really struggling with work right now.
I'm struggling with my relationships within my family
or my friends or something like that, where they have a genuine
reason for why but they want to be better or they want to let
you know that that boundary has to be there for them at the
moment, but that they. Maybe hope that in future when
they are out of that situation that they're able to create more
space for you. That's the kind of conversation
you want to be having. This person is making excuses.
If this person is saying that you're asking for too much,
again, it's not to say that they're a shit person.
It's not to say that they are the worst and you're amazing.
It's not about anyone being right.
It's about you spending time with people that make you feel
valued. It's about you spending time
with people that feed you. And people that you get to do
that too because it is reciprocated #3.
Lack of communication often equals misinterpretation and a
likelihood for. Problems, which often then
equals resentment. So let me break that down.
First of all, miscommunication. Lack of communication, not being
clear on what you're thinking, feeling, how how you perceived.
Maybe a conversation or a situation with somebody often
leads to there not being a clear conversation about what actually
happened or what was actually said.
When you don't actually go and communicate about those things
that happened or were said. Or how you're.
Feeling or whatever it is, it can cause problems, it can cause
often resentment and from either side, you or that person, right.
You need people in your life who are willing to communicate
clearly, openly, honestly, lovingly, fairly.
You need people in your life who want you to feel safe with them.
People who want you to feel like you can trust them.
And if you are with somebody or you're friends with somebody who
seems to be constantly holding back like.
Oh, I'm not going to tell you that I love you because that's
too that. Like, you might use that against
me or I'm not going to tell you honest things because you might
use that against me. If you are around people who act
like the world is how to get them who have that victim
mentality. It's not going to last and it
won't. Not because of you, of course,
if you are doing those things, but because they aren't at a
place in their life to have the emotional maturity or even maybe
the knowledge, maybe the life experience to be able to do that
with you. And again, this isn't to go, Oh
well, they're they're fucking crazy like they're psychopath,
like they're a shit person. It's not to say that, it's just
that you might be in a different place in your life where you
deserve again that equal space with somebody and.
You want that? And that's amazing.
And yes, you can pull people up. Yes, you can educate people.
And this is something that I think about all the time is
like, yes, you can do that, but do you?
Want to? Do.
You want to have to educate your boyfriend on issues within your
community, whether that's like you're a queer community or your
family background, your history, whatever that is, right?
Do you want to have to do that? Maybe you do.
Maybe you're excited to share that with somebody.
Maybe for you, you're like, I've learned this really great way of
thinking that's really helped me.
Let me share that with you. And maybe that person is really
open to it and they want to learn and that can be a really
cool experience because that's actually you helping somebody to
grow, and hopefully they're helping you to grow in other
ways. But that person has to be ready
to change, ready to work on themselves, ready to heal.
And they have to be putting in much more work than you.
They have to be on that journey. You can't make someone.
You can't force someone up with you.
Especially if you're in that space where you are feeling good
and energized and confident and like wanting to move forward in
your life. Maybe you can help somebody
along the way with boundaries, but, and I was, and again, I'm
not saying you have to fully cut them out of your life, but you
can't drag someone along because ultimately it often does pull
you back because you're going to have days where you don't feel
your best, right. You're going to have days where
maybe you say the wrong thing or you do the wrong thing, and what
you want to be able to have is people in your life who can pull
you up in those moments. And if you are with somebody,
especially a relationship, especially a close partner,
boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever that looks like, it's really
tough if you are. Constantly pulling that person
with you. And I don't want to gender this
fully because of course this isn't always the case.
But I do see this with a lot of women who are very much invested
in their their growth. In their Wellness, in their
sexual health, in like wanting to create a lives for them and
they and they have this like passion and they have so much to
give and unfortunately they give a lot to men who just aren't
there yet. And again, not to say that
there's anything wrong with these people, that person, that
situation, they're potentially just not equally filling space
with you. And you want people who are
going to be on the same wavelength as you just because
you deserve it and because it makes it fun and exciting and
you can find people who want to do that with you.
And the reason why I'm saying I'm obviously not going to fully
gender this or say that that's true like men and women and
obviously like gender is not binary.
But I have a partner who's a male and he very much will take
things on and want to learn alongside me.
He's very happy to do research on his own.
If we have conversations about, hey, this is how I want this to
be communicated in future, he will actively change that and he
will say yes, you can pull me up on that.
And if he slips up, because that happens, I slip up all the time,
too. If that happens and he doesn't
do the thing that he said he was going to do, he knows that I
have all the right to say, Hey, you told me that next time we
have this kind of conversation, you're going to go.
About it this way. And if he doesn't, he'll go,
You're right, you're right. And that's not easy for him to
do, for me to do. We both.
I can think of many examples where we both have done this
poorly, and that's the thing. I'm not some savior, and I I
know you don't think about yourself either.
You're not this person who's going to fix everyone around you
and you shouldn't fuck. You've got enough on your own,
I'm sure, as everyone does. But it's really important that
that person is ready to communicate with you very
clearly and be on that journey with you, not you pulling them
along. Because that is fucking
exhausting. #4, as I'm sure you've gathered by now, is that
relationships take work. They do.
They actually do. I think that they should feel
easy day-to-day. Like I think that they should
feel comfortable and you should feel a good, whatever you want
to call it, energy. Your intuition?
Your gut should tell you that that person is a safe and
healthy person to be with. But there is work involved in it
and the reason I bring this up is because if you are going
through something personally. Even if that's just a lot of
change. Whatever that is.
Maybe you're thinking of moving away.
Maybe you're starting a new job. Maybe you're starting at school.
Whatever it is, and you get into a relationship with somebody at
that time, it can stunt your growth in the sense that it can
make you constantly consider what that person is thinking
about you and the choices you're making.
You're making how you're feeling.
And an example of this for me is when I moved from Canada to
Australia. I had a boyfriend for three
years at that point and he was actually meant to come to
Australia with me. And I remember when he told me
he wasn't going to come. It was really tough for me
because I was like, OK, what am I going to do?
I knew I didn't really want to do long distance it just I think
we're. Already on the outs, you know,
and this is very specific example.
Obviously I'm not saying this is how everyone should do this.
I don't not believe in long distance or anything, but I I
knew that wasn't going to work, just knowing us.
And I remember once we broke up saying to myself, I'm not going
to get myself into any serious relationship.
I'm not going to let myself really get into having feelings
for anybody at this point because I know I need to go in
to this experience alone. I need to go into this
experience just myself as the individual, ready to change
things like that. Wake up one day and maybe have
different beliefs, different thoughts, different wants, and
that that would be okay because I was doing that on my own.
When you are in a relationship with someone, there are
sacrifices that have to be made. I make sacrifices with the
relationship that I'm in now. And so does Sam, my partner,
right? Like we both have to do that.
Like if I so for example, I want to live at the beach and that
might change. Justin, you guys know, if you're
interested, I have been really enjoying living by the beach and
he doesn't love it that much. He doesn't love the beach.
He's not really beach boy. He's just it's not his thing.
That much you know. But we have a car and so where
he works, he can drive with our car and he takes the car and I
don't need it and it's fine. And I let him go and do that and
whatever. But I like to live here at the
moment. And it's funny because if it
were up to just him, he wouldn't be living here.
But he's makes that sacrifice for me.
There are moments where we literally lived like we lived
together, right? And just the two of us.
I have moments where I think, fuck, I wish I could live alone.
God, how nice it would be to just have like a sleepover with
the girls, like it just sometimes.
And not that we couldn't do that, but it takes again, some
like, it takes work, It takes effort, It takes me organizing
things, being like, oh, can you go do this at this time so I can
then have the space alone or whatever it is.
You know, there's basic shit that goes into it, like just
making sure that you are communicating on a regular basis
with that person, which takes time.
Like there is work that goes into it.
So my only kind of like warning to you here is if you are going
through change or you are wanting to potentially change
your. Life a lot in the near future or
you're going through a struggle like something with your mental
health. Sometimes it is better to do
that with community, with friends, with family, sure, and
maybe even with people that. You could see having like an
attraction to or whatever that is.
But sometimes when you have to put in a lot of effort to
somebody else, you steal from what you might need for you.
So it is important to be aware of what season you're in.
If you're thinking of also having a romantic relationship
at that time #5 you are not always right.
You are not always right. And sometimes you are going to
be proven wrong, especially in an argument with somebody.
And it can be really hard for you, for everybody, for your
ego, for your sense of self. Like for you know just how you
feel to realize that you are wrong.
But you need to get good at being okay with being wrong and
you need to get good at apologizing.
I've talked about this before, so I'm not going to talk about
it for too long, but four step apology number one.
I am sorry. Say it very clear.
Very, very clear. There's no.
Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. Fuck right off.
OK. I'm sorry.
Is number 1 #2.
What are you sorry for? A lot of people miss that.
It's not just. I'm sorry.
Oh, are you sorry? Because I'm mad at you, right?
Are you just saying it because you know it's going to make me
feel better? That was a big one.
That the one that was? The one, the guy that I was in a
relationship with for a few years, wait, ages ago, that was
a big issue. And I always would get so pissed
off because I'd be like, OK, you're sorry that I'm upset.
You're sorry because we are not good right now and we're not all
cuddly and you don't like that feeling.
That's why you're sorry, but you haven't actually taken time to
reflect on what happened. OK.
So that's number two, #3 is here's what I'm going to do to
make it up to you, or here's what I'm going to do next time.
You are sorry for? It's the here's the future and
here's how I've actually reflected on this thing. #4 is,
is there anything else? It's more of the question.
Is there anything else that I can do to make this?
Up to you. And that process is really
important, it sounds super like. I don't know like.
Technical and so specific and at 1st and I heard that.
I got that. From a counselor that I was
going to at the time. And I remember thinking like
Jesus, as if I'm going to do that.
Like as if I'm going to. Do that every time I apologize.
Like blah blah blah whatever. But actually, I'm telling you,
it has helped so, so, so much because if you and your person
that you're in a relationship with say, OK, we're going to do
this, then when you get into those arguments, you can bring
it up. And This is why communicating
not only when things are bad, but communicating when things
are good is so important. Sitting down, being like, hey, I
want to make our relationship better.
This is something that I've noticed, that we can both do
better. Not coming at it with this, hey,
I've noticed. You're a bit of a piece of shit,
and here's what you have to fix more So like, hey, I think that
we could do better at this, and I would like us to both do
better. So number one, I am sorry, #2.
Here's what I'm sorry for, #3 Here's what I'm going to do next
time to be different. #4 is, what can I do to make it up to
you? Is there anything that I can do
giving that person space to actually now receive that
apology and potentially say I actually don't forgive you right
now? I'm going to work on forgiving
you, or I'm going to work on learning to trust you again.
But I actually, you know, I I. Appreciate your apology, but I
don't actually fully accept it to the extent that things are
now back to the way they were before this thing happened.
And if you're on the other side of that, you have all the right
to do that. Just so you know, number six,
things are not always 5050 sometimes.
And again, I've been saying this a lot in this episode and This
is why I think this is really important.
I saying that things should feel equal and there should be an
equal amount of effort. Yes, but especially in longterm
relationships, things are not always going to be 5050.
I can tell you guys right now that.
Few months ago, when I was really not good and not myself
and depressed and just feeling shit about myself, there were
many times that I took that out of my partner.
There was many times. There was times when he would
come home from work after having a great day.
And I've been sat on the couch all day feeling like shit about
myself, whatever, you know, in this victim mentality, not
feeling good. And I took it out on him.
It happened. It absolutely happened.
There's been times when he's done similar things right, Of
course. There's been times when he's
been stressed and he comes off as angry or distant or whatever.
There are times when things are not always going to be 5050, and
sometimes that does last for periods of time.
Sometimes that's not just one fight or one conversation.
Sometimes that can happen for months.
Sometimes, like you can be with somebody and especially if you
are further along in that relationship where maybe you are
living together or there's like financial sharing stuff like
that. That person, like, loses their
job, or that person struggles mentally, or that person loses
somebody in their life, a friend, a family member,
whatever. Sometimes things are not always
going to be 5050. And if you're going to be in a
relationship and you're going to make the commitment to be in a
relationship, whether that's like monogamous or not or
whatever, it's a relationship. You are ready to sometimes take
on more than you think you should have to, and I'm not
saying that you're ready to do that right now.
You don't have to be. You can be aware of the
relationships that you are in and judge for yourself how much
you're willing to give, but it's not always going to feel
perfect. 5050 all the time. And I think often relationships
end when people start to get unbalanced.
There's been times in my relationship with my partner
where I've been like Oh my God, I'm gonna I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna not actually. But you know, I'm just.
Oh my goodness. Like I cannot stand you.
And I would be so much better on my own right now.
And for me, I had to realize that that came back to I don't
know, whatever it was this superiority complex or my ego or
it came back to. Me not being honest with myself
about when it's been the other way around.
And I think that if you ever feel that you should really take
time for self reflection before you go and tell the other person
that they're a piece of shit, OK?
Because I'm sure there are things that you have done as
well. I'm sure there are times where
you have needed them more than they've needed you.
Just in terms of, hey, can we talk through this thing or can
you just be there for me? Or can you give me a massage?
Or whatever it is, it's not always the other person, even if
they're the one who seems to be causing the thing at the time #7
is to be. Careful dating in your friend
group because that can get really messy really fast.
I'm not saying you shouldn't. Sometimes that's the best.
Like, sometimes that's so fun, and it can be so fucking fun,
but it can also cause division within the friend group, even if
there's just like a fight or if there's a breakup, God forbid
it. Like, it can be very messy and
it's just something that I want to flag with you because I have
done it and I've made that mistake and I've looked back and
I've gone, fuck, I shouldn't have done that.
And I was saying you have to keep the separation between your
friends and like your dating life, because I think that can
be unhealthy too. Trying to keep your your friends
away from that person or that person away from your friends.
You know, I don't think that you should do that, but I just think
that you should know the risk that you are taking by doing
that, because the moment you do that, you are potentially
setting yourself up for a messy ending.
Now, I will say as well, within queer friend groups, this is
often really. Common like this is something
that happens all the time and people will talk about.
Queer friendship groups and how much kind of drama and overlap
and whatever else there can be because there isn't this like
binary straight division of like the girls and the boys, you
know, It's like the girls hang out, the boys hang out, the
girls and boys all come together, but there's like that
separation. It's just a beautiful, wonderful
mix of people. But that can also come with a
lot of pain as well. And I'll say if you're in that
and or if you just want to date within your friend group and
you're like ah fuck that, whatever.
I want to have fun. I don't care.
Let me live then. Totally fine.
Do whatever you want. Of course you know live your
best life, but be clear with communication so you have a
friend. For example and things are bit
like flirty he he ha ha you know here and there.
But you know that you don't want to ever lose that person as a
friend or you know that you just if you dated within that friend
group, it might be kind of rough because maybe there's another
person in that friend group who's actually an ex and then
they see you hanging out and then it's like there's too much
going on. Be clear about the
communication. Tell that person like, yeah I
know we have fun but we can't date because we both know that
that would be messy and then kind of like laugh it off on him
whatever. It doesn't have to be a big
serious thing, but still be clear about it and just make
sure that if that's your intention, that if you're going
to be that flirty, fun, whatever person with them, amazing, love
that for you. But be aware that you don't want
to put them in a position of then wanting to be with you and
then you having to kind of be like, well, you know, you never
want to miss mislead somebody. And I don't think that everyone
should read into everything. I don't think that that's fair.
But I do think it's important if you know that there's something
potentially going on in their brain about you that you
address. It and you do it finally.
And it doesn't come from this. Like I know you're in love with
me place. It comes from a I just want to
make sure that we're clear on like what our relationship
actually means to both of us. And I think that's really
important. So many of the things that I
talk about here is avoiding miscommunication, avoiding
things coming up, avoiding issues that don't need to
happen. It's really important that if
you feel something, you say it and you just leave your ego at
the door, you leave your fear of how they're going to respond to
you at the door, and you set yourself up for wins down the
line #8 is to learn to fight well with healthy boundaries.
If you're in any kind of relationship, there's likely to
be things that come up where there's some sort of
disagreement, some sort of argument, whatever that is.
And it is up to you and that person to decide what your
boundaries are within that. And I'm going to give you a few
examples of what mine are with my partner.
You might want to use these as well.
But again, these can look like anything.
This isn't right or wrong. This is what works for you guys.
For US1 is that we don't yell. And if one of us starts to raise
our voice, sometimes it's me. OK, surprise, surprise, I get
fiery saying, please lower your voice.
And that can be a stern thing That doesn't have to be a hey,
honey, I've noticed that you're speaking loudly and I would
actually like it if you. No, no, it can be like, OK,
lower your voice. You know, it can be like that.
We've both done it to each other, and we both know that
that is a thing that we've said that we will not do.
And I will tell you it's not necessary.
Doesn't help get the point across anymore.
And it creates, if anything, a sense of fear in the other
person, sense of discomfort. It creates kind of like a power
dynamic. Like often when you're raising
your voice, what you're doing is you're trying to get yourself to
be heard and to get yourself to be heard.
There's so much more power in slowing down and saying the
words that you need to say with conviction rather than yelling
them with anger. And like swearing and and doing
things that in that context isn't necessary.
I know it's hard, but it is important that if you can't do
that in the moment, if you are so.
Riled up that you are yelling and swearing, or maybe just like
saying things that you shouldn't be saying, that you'd say, I
need to take a second to cool down.
I need a second. And maybe for you, in the
moment, it's not going to look squeaky clean.
Maybe for you that's going to look like being like, I just
can't talk about this right now and storming off and going into
the bathroom and having a little cry.
It doesn't matter. Like, I mean, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. If you are perfect with it, but
it's important that you go have that space.
If you need to have that space, OK another one is.
I already mentioned it. Not swearing, obviously, I swear
all the back in time, but not being like, and then you didn't
even fucking do it after you said that you were going to or
whatever. Because again, it just, it's
just another thing that puts emotion at the forefront.
It puts anger at the forefront. It puts trying to overpower at
the forefront and it isn't productive.
And that's what we're looking to do.
It's not about what I should be able to do this, right?
If that's your attitude, I'm sorry.
If that's your attitude of, well, I should be able to yell
if I want. I'm angry if that.
You know, if that's where you're coming from, you just stop for a
second and go, OK, but is it productive?
And that's what we're always trying to do, is pull out what's
productive, What's helpful here? What's actually going to help us
to move forward in a way that we both want to move forward in?
It's OK to feel emotion. Absolutely.
And the person that you're with should be able to validate that
emotion, but your actions are still your responsibility.
How you speak to someone and how people speak to you.
What you say and what people say to you is still yours.
And there's responsibility. Another boundary is when we have
conversations. If it's late at night, we're
about to fall asleep. Don't bring shit up.
If every if anyone's tired, if
anyone is drunk or high or you name it, don't bring it up, OK?
There are times to have conversations, and that time
does not need to be right now. Even though you feel things,
even though you have thoughts, even though you have emotions.
Again, your responsibility. #9 Know when to let it go.
Not everything has to be a conversation.
OK, sometimes. There are just things that
bother you about the person that you're with.
Everyone is going to be annoying to some extent.
OK? There is shit that I do that
pisses off Sam all the time. There's stuff that I do that
pisses off my friends, right? There's stuff that they do that
pisses me off, but not. Everything has to be a big
conversation unless you're sitting there and this is been
going on for over and over and over ages and you've said to
them, you know, hey, I really want you to start doing this
thing. Can you please just start, I
don't know, picking up after yourself like something like a
laundry thing or the dishes or if I can something stupid.
And you're starting to actually get to the point where you're
like, this makes me feel like you don't value our relationship
or this makes me feel like you think that I'm gonna do these
things for you because I always end up doing them.
And I don't want to be put in that space of I'm not your
fucking mom or whatever. You know, if that's how you
feel, sure, you know, sit down, have that conversation.
But not every little annoying thing needs to be a
conversation. And this is.
Something that I've had to learn, guys I used to be sitting
beside. This is so embarrassing.
But I'm telling you because I hope you relate to a certain
extent, and I know that I needed to hear this OK.
I'd be sitting on the couch beside him and I could hear him
breathing. And I would be so irritable for
whatever reason where I could be PMS saying I could be super
tired. I used to have to wake up all
the time at like 5:00 AM because I used to teach Pilates and I
would always be fucking tired and whatever.
So irritable. That, and I wouldn't deal with
it myself, right? I didn't create the boundaries I
needed. I wouldn't say, hey, I actually
need time alone right now. I would just whatever, Let's
just hang out. Whatever.
I'll just. You want to hang out?
Sure. If let you know.
I would just sit there. I'd hear him breathing and I
would just look at him. I'd look at him and he'd go,
what so mean? And I'd go, hey, you're just,
it's like it's like you are huffing and puffing.
Like, and he's like, I'm literally breathing.
There are certain things that you just have to learn to be
patient with, and if you're getting triggered by things that
you know shouldn't be a big deal, it's on you.
It's on you, babe. You got to go sort it out.
You got to go sort it out and maybe that literally looks like
being like I think. Like pausing the show.
Right. Pausing the movie, just saying,
or maybe, you know, you're on a date or something, you're like,
don't leave, you know, But saying I think later, I need
some alone time or I think I actually need some alone time
right now because I shouldn't be with anybody.
And that's okay, You know, to communicate that boundary is
really important. And if they get offended by
that, like, oh, what, you're not feeling good, so you don't want
to be with me. What you don't like, I can't
help you. What like if that becomes a bit
of like if they have a negative reaction to it, remember?
To remind them that you're doing it for your sake, which is
important, but also for their sake, like.
Trust me, you don't want to be around me right now I'm feeling
like a bit of a bitch. OK?
And that is fine. And that's good.
That's good. If you can recognize that in
yourself now I I hope to think. I like to think that I'm.
A lot less explosive and a lot more loving and kind.
And I know that I am because. I've definitely worked on that.
But yeah, super important that you're not putting your just
regular daily, you know, day-to-day emotions and feelings
on them for doing basic, normal shit, OK?
Not everything needs to be a conversation, and if things
happen once or twice where it genuinely is something that they
shouldn't do, Like they shouldn't leave something around
the house and just fuck right off and wait for you to clean it
up. Or, you know, they shouldn't
just say something as a joke that's really hurtful that
you've asked them not to joke about or something like that,
right? Maybe once it happens and you go
okay, I'm going to let it go this time.
Then if it keeps happening, maybe you have a conversation.
But again, try to have that conversation.
I would have you been talking about this whole time, the
communication. Try to have it when you can.
Have a good, normal, regular conversation about it, rather
than letting it get to the point where you build up all of this
anger and then you explode on them, because that is not fair
to them. It's not fair to you.
It sucks for everybody and it's not worth it #10OK.
If you have said that you forgive somebody, actually
forgive them and try to move on. Don't keep tabs on someone's
wrongdoings. Don't keep tabs on all the times
that they have done the thing. I will say if if somebody says,
and this could be a friend, this could be anyone really.
If someone says I'm going to change this, I am telling you
moving forward, I'm going to change this behavior or I'm not
going to say that thing anymore. I'm not going to do that thing
anymore. Obviously you have the knowledge
that they've done it before and you now have had the
conversation that they're going to change.
If they don't change, yes, you can pull them up on it.
Yes, you can make them accountable to that and they
should give you this base. For you to have been able to say
like okay, if this happens again, I'm going to throw a fit
because this this is not okay, but it's really important that
you try to really move on. If you aren't able to move on
from a situation like you aren't able to trust that person right
away or whatever, you have to work through it with them, but
also on your own. Trust is a whole topic that we
could really get into. But it's something that you have
to be willing to do within yourself and be honest with them
about not trusting them. And that's hard.
Like they might be thinking well, but I apologize, but I
said it was hard. Well, if I can still did the
thing. OK, You still said the thing.
You still did the thing. And you don't owe anybody your
trust, especially if they've done something to break that
trust, especially if they've done something to.
Hurt you and they knew it was going to hurt you or whatever,
even if they didn't know it was going to hurt you, right?
It doesn't really matter their intentions.
The point is that they did something and they should know
you better, right? Like, it's really important that
you try your best to not keep tabs and not have this backlog
in your brain of see. That's why you're a piece of
shit, right? Because if you're doing that,
you're probably already having some sort of belief about them
in the first place. You keeping tabs on it is likely
just you trying to prove a point for yourself.
Psychologically, you have an idea of how someone is, You have
an idea about who they are, what they're experiencing, what
they're like. And you're just trying to prove
to yourself over and over that they are that thing and they
will never be able to get. Out of that box, in your head
until you actually sit down and think through whether or not you
and genuinely believe that about them.
If you do believe it about them, then you've got to think it
through and maybe have a conversation eventually.
If you don't, you need to let it go and you need to figure out
where that might be coming from because you might be thinking
about your parents relationship. You might be thinking about your
last relationship and that isn't fair to them.
Going into a relationship and saying I'm not going to trust
you because I've been hurt before is not fair.
Going into a relationship and saying you're going to do what
this person did because everyone does that to me isn't logical,
isn't fair, and isn't productive.
Now if this person actually did do something to.
Hurt your trust. It's important that, like I said
earlier, you communicate that you don't trust them to the
extent that you used to, and that might be really hurtful for
them to hear, But it's important that you're honest about it
because hopefully that person is willing to go.
I accept that. I understand that.
Help me like tell me how I can help you to trust me again and
hopefully go on that journey with you, because trust can be
restored. I've seen it and I've seen it in
other relationships as well and other friendships.
And I do think that restoration and coming back from something
is possible. And I think that it's really
important to believe that like just as a general idea, that.
Nothing is just like one and done like there's always room
for redemption. This is a big reason why.
Like, I really don't like cancel culture because, you know,
there's some things that are pretty like maybe I'm not going
to support that person anymore. You know, there are certain
things that it's like, maybe that's where you draw the line.
But I don't like that one mistake from somebody can cause
their whole life to be derailed. I don't like that it can not
give that person any space to come back.
I think it's important. That redemption is a value, at
least it is one for me. Of course you need to have the
boundaries to know what you can handle, but trust and rebuilding
trust is possible. But don't tell somebody that
everything's OK. All good.
No worries. I forgive you.
I trust you now. But then secretly keep these
like tabs in your brain. Not forgive and forget, you
know. Don't forget You still have that
knowledge and they know you have that knowledge, right?
Hopefully they are not going to be like.
Well, you said that you forgive me and.
Do it fucking again. Of course you're not an idiot,
you know. But try to get away from that
keeping tab situation. And if you notice yourself doing
that, you have to have a conversation, or you need to
leave that relationship, or you need to figure that out within
yourself, because it will just boil and it will cause
resentment and it might start to cause issues in other areas that
are completely unrelated. And sometimes relationships end
for reasons that it wasn't even like the real reason, and no one
was willing to say the real reason anyways.
And that's a really immature way to go about communication and
relationships. I believe that you deserve.
All the love I believe that you deserve.
Someone who makes you feel safe and wanted and cared for.
I believe that there are really, really amazing people out there
who want to do that for you. Friends, lovers, whatever.
I think that there. Are really, really awesome
people and I don't think that you should settle.
I hear this all the time and like my TikTok comments of
people being like, yeah, well, like men these days, or like
men, blah blah blah blah blah. And I joke about it too.
And I get that that's a thing, you know?
But. When it comes down to it, if
your belief is that, well, everybody's this way anyways or
all, I'm never going to end up with a guy that actually
prioritizes me or a girl or whoever.
I'm not going to end up in that situation, so I might as well
just deal with it. And you know, you can't ask for
everything and you have to make sacrifices and you're constantly
giving people all these excuses. You need to stop because there
are really, really amazing people who will give you.
Lots of love and are fair and want to communicate and
hopefully have done that on their own.
Because yes, you can teach people things.
Yes, you can educate them. Yes, they might do that for you
and and whatever else, but you shouldn't have to be the sole
person doing that in your relationship and if you are.
You're going to be broken down so quickly.
Like the resentment is going to be insane.
It will cause all these fights and it will be shit okay and you
don't deserve that. You deserve better and you need
to believe. That for yourself.
I'm sure if you have a partner, you've been thinking about them
throughout this whole episode. But if you don't, what I want
you to do is sit down and think about what things you are
looking for in a partner and what things you expect from a
partner and be serious about it and look for that as you go out
and meet new people. Because often we just, we are
attracted to people and we get excited and it's flirty and
whatever else. And then we think, well, we just
have to deal with whatever they're dealing with.
And you know, we don't actually look for key things.
And I think it's really important that you know what
those things are for you and do that with your friends too.
I had a conversation today in a one of my friend groups just in
like a group chat and I said to them I was like guys, You have
no idea how happy I am to have people in my life who I know
regularly reflect on their lives and what they're putting out
into the world. The energy that they're bringing
people that are self reflective and and genuine and give a shit
about how they live their lives. It's so healing to have healthy
people around you. It's so healing to have people
with good intentions around you, and the more you do that for
yourself, the more you will attract it.
Like, and I'm into all that shit, you know, manifestation
and all the bullshit. I love it.
But I also just, I believe it because I see it like if you
know, for yourself, I'm going to take care of myself, I'm going
to fill my cup, I'm going to have healthy boundaries, I'm
going to communicate well. And you put that out, people
will come into your life who do that because they'll recognize
it in you, right? If you are going out and
thinking I'm looking for that and then people see it in you,
they're going to gravitate towards you.
So be in that, not only for yourself but also so you
naturally get to get those relationships.
If you feel like, oh, like there's no one out there, like,
no one's like that, it could potentially be you deflecting it
or. You being the one that's
blocking those relationships from coming into your life right
now and that's okay. And if you notice that right
now. That's okay because it means
that there's room to grow and it just means that going forward
now you're going to start to pick up these new beliefs around
relationships and what you deserve.
And then those people will come in more naturally and you'll
look back and you'll go, wow, It is so important that my mindset
and my mentality is clear and intentional because it means
that other people will get to do that as well who are around me.
All right, Sexies, that is the end of today's episode.
I hope that you guys enjoy that. It was very serious, very soft,
but I felt like something that we needed to talk about.
And I'm just so fucking grateful for this community.
I just want to thank you guys so much because I learned so much
from you. I've had so much fun just like
talking to you guys recently on Instagram and TikTok and
everything and seeing like TikTok grow and stuff a little
bit more recently. That's been really cool.
And it's just like, it's a lot of females, a lot of female
presence and it's just such a safe space for me.
And I'm so thankful that I was able to have the break that I
had. But trust me, I am ready now to
like really just like get back into it.
And I'm so happy to be back into like a mental space where I feel
like excited and like creative. Like, I'm just, I've, I
literally fell asleep. Two nights ago I was falling
asleep, had been like lights out for like 20 minutes and I just
like. Thought about everything that I
wanted to talk about today because it just came into my
brain, you know, And so I'm I'm in that space now and your
support and everything means so much to me.
If you guys don't follow me on Instagram or Tiktok, it is
Alyssa Taylor Harper. You can come find me there and
have a chat with me if you want to about any of this.
Of course I'm happy to chat with you guys always.
And also we have a Facebook podcast group called the She
Said what podcast group that you can go join if you want to hang
out and get some community over there.
And that's basically it. Guys.
Thank you so much for listening and I will see you when I see
you. Bye guys.