You're listening to. She said what with your house?
Alyssa Harper. Hello.
Hello everybody. Welcome Back to.
She said, what if you've not been here before, then welcome
and I hope that you feel welcome.
Whoever you are whatever. Walk of Life you come from this
space is for you. It's for you to become the best
version of yourself to get some advice to hear me talk a bit, a
shit. And that's basically it.
Um thank you so much and if you have been here before then,
welcome back, I love you. This is the first video podcast
that I'm ever going to be releasing, which is so, so
exciting, because I've had this podcast for a year and a half.
Now, about a year and a half, and it's been like my home,
like, it's literally been my favorite space that I get to
work out of and I work on Tick-Tock and I work on
Instagram but my podcast has been like the space where I've
really been able to open up and share with you guys and I feel
like it's the place that you guys tend to respond.
From your heart out of like, when I get DMS from you guys,
this is where you guys are listening.
And so thank you so, so much for being here and I'm really
excited to be recording this episode.
I just this is something I've wanted to for so long.
You guys have been asking me to do video podcast for so long and
I'm finally able to do it. So today's episode is going to
be so fun and I'm excited that we're doing a video podcast for
this episode because this is an episode that I've been wanting
to make for so long because I get DMS from you guys.
I like a bunch and this is the thing that I get asked all the
time is, how do I know if I'm actually bisexual or like, how
do I know that I'm actually into women and I'm not just like, oh,
attracted to women's bodies? Like, am I actually queer or is
it just natural for me to be liking a woman's body more than
a man's body? And people get scared that
they're going to be queerbaiting, you know, that
they're going to say. They're something that they're
not that they're going to come out.
And then they're only ever going to With guys and then they're
gonna come off as, you know, like they're faking it or two
trying to get attention or whatever.
Whatever, you know, these are things that bisexual people face
all the time. These are huge things that are
set against us. You know, that we are greedy
that we're looking for attention and none of it is true.
And today, it's going to be an opportunity for you to hear the
ten things. I think I wrote 10 things.
Yes, yes. I know what I'm doing.
The 10 things that for me made me Why's that I genuinely am
bisexual. So these are things that of
course are only from my experience, but maybe you'll
relate with some of these things and you can go.
Oh those are genuinely like markers.
That can help me figure out if I am by.
So maybe you'll relate with these things.
Maybe you won't but let's get right into it.
Okay. Quick update on my week as per
use. Um I quit my job this week guys.
So I was so excited to update you on.
This because I have been a Pilates instructor for over a
year. Now over here, has it been
almost a year? I don't think it's been a year
yet. I became a Pilates instructor
because I loved Pilates. I loved going to classes and I
was coming out of lockdown. This was, you know, ages ago.
I was like, I reckon I could do this.
Like I was just there and I was going.
I want to do something that's like bigger than what I'm doing
right now at least. For me, something that's more
meaningful to me. And at the time, I was working
in hospitality and I was like, I need to push, I need to
challenge. And so I did a Pilates
instructor course probably took me about like six months to
become like fully qualified and all of that and then I start
teaching. And it's funny because when I
did the course, I always said to myself, like, you know, if I
never teach this is going to be something for me, you know, if I
never actually get to the point of teaching because I'm too
scared. I hated being in front of
people, you know, I didn't have it all this kind of like a
Syndrome. I was like, I don't think I ever
will do this. I was like I at least am doing
this for me and my body and so I always said that if another
opportunity came out, but came up, when I was applies
instructor or I felt like I wanted to move away from it, it
was never a waste of time. It was never like a loss,
quitting would never be a negative thing.
But this is a job that I want to do because I know it's going to
be a challenge for me. It makes my personal life better
and it's just good, you know it's good to have challenges and
obviously it was making more money doing that than I would.
I was in Hospitality which is like a minimum wage job or
whatever. So I was really excited did
that, you know, push that one point I was doing it full time
which is actually technically only 25 hours a week, but you're
teaching Fitness classes. So it's pretty intense.
And I, you know, slowly work down to four days, three days,
two days. And now I'm finally fully doing
social media like I am literally this is the first time in my
whole life that I've ever been 100% self-employed it's crates.
I'm like I don't know how to do my taxes.
I'm like, this is so weird. Like, how am I in this position?
I think it is so strange, and if you guys have been watching me
for a while, and you engage with my stuff and like, you've been a
supporter of me, like, thank you so much.
Because, like ice wake up every day and I'm like, this is
insane. This is actually insane.
So thank you so much for supporting me and listening and
that's it. That's basically my weekly
update. I had a really nice day though.
The day with a few of my friends in Bondi Mets, some people as
well and just like was having this amazing day at the beach
like hanging out like just talking about things that really
mattered. I feel like it was one of those
groups of people where everyone was really having like a genuine
time and so that was really nice and then it randomly started
pouring rain and we're all like running back pouring rain like
everyone's running with their surfboards and like everything
it was like felt like a little movie.
I was like, this is hilarious. So that was a really fun and
like magical day I just feel like I've had like a really
magical week which has been nice.
And I've always had moments have been like Not feeling very
magical. I'm PMSing a little bit right
now. To be honest, I'm a little bit
spicy and a little bit irritable.
And I will say that setting up for this video.
I was here for like an hour moving things around figuring
out what I wanted and with these episodes going forward it's not
necessarily always going to look like this.
It might I don't really know. I kind of want to play around
and like see what I like, see what you guys like.
So like please give me feedback on like what you like when you
see video podcast, what kind of like set you like and stuff
because this is My job now. So, I want to make it the
absolute best, it can be and that's what I want to do because
this is what I do now, apparently, let's get into
today's topic because again, this is something that I get
asked about all the time, and I think it's a subject that's so
important to talk about because it's like this kind of gray area
in the queer community and people talk about this all the
time, like queerbaiting, especially with celebrities is
Harry Styles queerbaiting, you know, all of this.
You see all these people, like Lady Gaga, I'm Billy eilish.
All these people were people will make these articles saying
you know, they haven't actually come out as bi or they haven't
actually come out as gay, but they're wearing this on stage,
they're painting their nails or they're doing this or they're
holding up a pride flag out there show.
Why are they doing that? That's queerbaiting?
And you'll get people who are really in on that side of the
argument. And then you get people who are
far, far far on the other side of like, who cares?
If you come out as gay one day and something else, the next
day, do whatever you want. Labels don't matter.
Live freely, you know. Some people are very, very, very
open and I think that there's an argument on either side and I
think it's necessary to be aware of the arguments on like either
side of that. But at the end of the day, you
need to figure out what's going to make sense for you and you
figure out your sexuality. Has nothing to do with all of
that bullshit. Like, do not let the fear of
what if I come out as bi? And it's not actually 100%.
Accurate to me and it turns out that I'm actually straight arm
actually lesbian. I'm actually whatever it doesn't
matter, it doesn't matter. Okay.
If right now a certain label feels good for you and maybe
that's a specific label like lesbian or bisexual, or
pansexual, or whatever, then use that label.
If that label changes, then change it to a different label.
There's nothing wrong with that and if you aren't sure in your,
you don't want to commit to a label and maybe you never will
want to and that's totally fine. Then you can say you're queer,
or you can say that you're not quite sure, or you might even be
someone who just thinks that everyone is somewhere on the
Spectrum when it comes to sexuality and that's also fine.
So I thought it would be helpful because this is what I usually
hear from you guys is like, yes. But like how did you know that
you were bi? And you guys often ask for me to
tell stories and how did I really actually realize?
Like I do like women in that way because the thing is when you
try If you're by, if I if I thought I was lesbian it would
be because I would genuinely know that I'm like I don't want
men at all. Like I really, you know, it's
like usually you'll hear when someone's lesbian not always,
but often, you know, growing up, they have these experiences,
they think they're meant to be straight because that's kind of
like the default within our society and they'll think that
they're meant to be that way. And then they'd go on a date
with a guy and they just do not want to kiss him or they go home
with a guy they plan to have sex Them it gets to them before they
want. They're about to have sex and
they just like don't want to do it, they can't get themselves to
do it. That's a more common experience.
I feel like for lesbian people from what I've heard, I'm not
lesbian. So, I don't know.
And I never have had that experience.
I have always consistently still been attracted to men.
I have had times in my life where I've leaned more towards
like women. I've had times in my life where
I lean more towards men in general when it comes to
attraction. But that also doesn't mean that
So people can't be in a relationship with one person
because obviously they can and a really big misconception with
bisexuality is that there's like a certain like cup that needs to
be filled with women and a certain cup that needs to be
filled with men which obviously is super binary and like split
which obviously I don't think that and that's not how I think
about gender. But this is what people
typically will set. You know, is you have this Gap
that needs to be filled of women and this part of you that want
to be filled with men and you're never fully going to be Fide
because only one person can fill one of those spots and that's
also not true. So, just to clarify bisexuality
has to do with attraction and who you might be attracted to
not what you need, and it doesn't necessarily reflect your
individual needs. I think that's really important
to point out because a lot of people think, oh, know if I'm
bisexual, doesn't that make everything really complicated?
If anything know it opens up arrange.
It just means that you Literally be attracted to anybody and
that's really exciting and really beautiful.
And it just means that anyone that you come across, could be
if it Sparks the right thing. And you, it could be a
long-lasting potentially romantic potentially sexual
relationship and that's really cool.
Now, saying all of that, I'm gonna go into my points.
I'm going to say a lot more about my sexuality throughout
this episode and I've talked to her bisexuality before on the
Podcast. But I wanted to get as quickly
as I can into these points to give you guys clear markers of
what made me realize I was by. All right let's go.
Number one is doing. Am a my lesbian or am I by
quizzes all the time? Like for as long as I can
remember. Like when I was really young,
like, really young to when I was in high school, to even when I
was in college. And this is after I started my
relationship with the the partner.
I am still with. Who is a man.
I know don't be disappointed. Don't be mad at me.
All right, he's a man, and I was literally with him and I was
still Googling it. Even though I knew like I had
had experiences with women, you know, I knew I was but and I'll
get into this later as to why it took me a lot longer to come out
as bi but that was something that I did for so.
So long just trying to figure out who I was and you kind of
I've heard people talk about this before as well, how they
kind. And of had two experiences of it
either. They noticed themselves
answering the questions to try to make it say that they were
straight. So they could just forget about
it especially when you're by because if you know you have
this attraction to men as well then it's like, oh well I can
just be into men, this is a big thing for me.
I for many years knew I was bisexual knew I was attracted to
women, but it wasn't this thing where I accepted it.
It wasn't like oh I you know, I think it's okay to do both these
things because I grew up They just so I just know that I
didn't think it was okay because I was like homophobic but I had
internalized homophobia or biphobia.
I should say I had internalized biphobia.
So in my mind I was thinking well even if I had the option
between men and women which again it's not men or women but
at that time that's how I would frame it.
I'm still going to choose men because if I were to choose
women that wouldn't be what God would have wanted like, you
know, maybe I am bisexual but I don't really ever need to Bring
that out into public because why would I do that?
You know, why would I put myself in this place where I'm being
discriminated against? Why would I put myself in this
place where I'm not allowed to be on stage at church anymore?
Because that was like my whole life was being involved in the
church? I loved it, you know?
And so at one point, like I even if once I realized, like I'm
definitely bisexual and I was like regularly having
experiences with women or even just noticing I'm Attracted to
women, I still was not at a place where I could actually say
it, you know. So it's interesting how you can
know it but you don't really come out.
Like I didn't come out until later later later on even though
I probably knew from the time I was like, pretty young.
Like I want to see me be like 13, 14 was around the time that
I started seeing things are going a little bit crazy, which
brings me to point number 2, which was that I had complicate
friendships with girl. Earl's complicated friendships,
man. Like, I don't know how to
explain this one. It was not that I ever likes all
my friends in a way that I shouldn't or that I was like,
you know, overstepping, or towards them in a way that I
shouldn't have been. But every so often, you know, I
mean, with all of my friends, but every so often there would
be a girlfriend that came around, that I would be
attracted to and I Literally be just different with them.
And I didn't think I realized that it was me being into them
until there was a girl that I was really into when I was like
14 and I was like, aw fuck. I was like, okay, I'm not
straight, but I always kind of had this, you know, the odd
person that would come along and it was like, I would just be a
little bit like jealous towards them a little bit.
Like I didn't like, when they would hang out with other
people, like it would say it was like I was into them because I
was But I didn't know. So I just thought I was
possessive or a little bit weird, or I was someone who kind
of hopped from best friend, a best friend, but I actually
wasn't like I had these friend groups kind of growing up that I
moved, you know, from friend group to friend group, but it's
just interesting. I feel like it was complicated.
That's like the best word to describe it.
Just, I didn't understand it. I sometimes would feel hurt at
things that they would do. If it didn't seem like he
considered me or if they would talk about a boy or something,
maybe I would feel a bit uncomfortable by it, depending
on the person, it was Complicated.
And if I ever ended a friendship with a girl growing up it didn't
feel like ending a normal friendship.
If it was someone like this that I was attracted to to be clear.
Like it didn't feel like when you would normally phase out a
friendship as you would with anybody, it was like it felt
like there needed to be a breakup like I felt like there
was like a conversation that needed to be had and like maybe
in their opinion it wasn't that serious but to me it felt really
heavy. I don't know.
Maybe you'll get if you know, you know.
Okay, that's all I'm gonna say about that.
One number three is that I was oh actually I wanted to add this
on to point number two is that I would be nervous to hang out
with certain girlfriends and this was a big one like I would
have certain friends at going over to the house.
I was like it was like, I was getting ready for a date, like
it was the same experience and I don't know how at the time.
I didn't fully step into like the queerness I think I just
again there was biphobia and all these things like growing up.
There was things that I would see on TV and it was All don't
look at that because it was like, you know, like people
kissing like two guys kissing or two girls kissing things like
that, where I thought I equated it with being this like kind of
bad dirty thing and so I think that's why my brain wouldn't
even go there, but I would literally be getting ready to go
over to my friends house and I would be like nervous like I'd
be like pacing around the house like okay do I have everything
and it was the same feeling that I would get before.
I would go to see like maybe a potential guy that I was going
to like start dating or something, you know, and it was
interesting like you there was just these know.
Curves around certain women. And I always felt like I
struggled with my relationships with women and honestly, to this
day, sometimes I still do. Because when there's that moment
of, like, oh, I could potentially be attracted to this
person. It can be a little bit like, oh,
I don't want to fall into that if I potentially have that
feeling with now. Now, I don't like now I can.
I'm aware of it. I think back in the day, I
wasn't. So I didn't understand why I
used to just think it was like a social anxiety thing like I used
to just think I am being this way because there's something
just like wrong with me. But it wasn't that it was that I
didn't understand that there was like the sexuality element to
it. Does that make sense?
I don't know. Anyways.
All right. Number three is that I would
struggle with the do I want you or do I want to be like you
situation? And this was probably the first
time I really felt this was when like I said I was like 14 and
there was this girl and I was obsessed.
Boys. Get.
I always get scared that. She's gonna like listen to my
podcast. She doesn't.
I hope she doesn't. Oh my God.
That'd be so embarrassing.
But I literally was obsessed and it sucked because I was like, I
really wanted to be friends with her but like I just liked her so
much more than I wanted to be friends.
And so, it was like this thing where I'm like, if I hang out
with you, I'm just going to be, like, attracted to you and it's
gonna make me upset because she was straight, which I actually
don't think she's straight, at least now.
But at the time she was straight and I was straight.
And so it just wouldn't have happened and I knew that and so
he was like almost hurtful being around her.
And so then I didn't want to be friends with her and then it
would become this like Eration thing of like, almost a jealousy
in this like, kind of resentment towards her give like think I
shouldn't say this. I was gonna say like Thinkin
Cell Energy. It wasn't like that, but it kind
of was like that. It was like this, like I can't
be with you, and it makes me like it kind of angry towards
you and not because I want to be.
But because it's this thing that's internally going on
within me. And I haven't even really, I
can't, I'm sure there's a proper word for that.
I don't know, I haven't even really impact that, but that's
genuinely what was happening. And Feel like I got it.
Our friendship was so on and off and we would like kind of like
fight or I would kind of resent her or I would think she was
really cool. But then like I wouldn't want to
be like her. Like it was just this weird
drama that was probably mostly all in my head but it was
because I would struggle with this back-and-forth of like do I
like you? I don't know.
Do I even like women? Is that even a possibility for
me mixed with like or do I want to be like you?
And if I do then you I don't like that.
I want to be like you or I don't like the feeling of jealousy.
See, blah, blah, blah, blah blah.
Like it was very complicated. Okay, moving on, number four is
the by Panic that. I now I called by Panic by the
time it was just Panic the panic.
I would feel either changing in front of my friends or them
changing in front of me. Like I vividly remember the
first time I was like at a friend's house at a sleepover
and she like casually started changing in front of me and I
was like, I felt like I shouldn't look.
The way I was like, sweating. Oh my God.
This is so funny thinking back. I haven't thought about this in
so long. I literally was like don't look
don't look don't look. And it's this weird thing
because in my mind I felt like I shouldn't want to look, you know
what I mean? But then I it wasn't that I
wanted to either because it was my friend.
I just didn't know how to feel about it.
I was like, I feel like this is wrong.
I feel like I shouldn't be weird about this.
This, why am I so weird about everything?
And then I just, you know, I would be like, I just am
socially weird, I haven't in social anxiety.
Like, you know, I just thought I was so weird because of that,
but it was actually because I was just like, oh, I feel like
I'm being exposed to something that.
Hello blue bug, go away. I felt like I was being exposed
something that shouldn't be exposed to which like a straight
person would not start sweating and like go bright red.
Do you know what I mean? So that was just something that
came up, something that I noticed And another part of that
was like, actively noticing myself actively trying not to
look at women in the way that I would actively try to not to
look at men kind of thing. So, like Sam walking down the
street and I would see a guy or in high school or whatever.
I can walk down the street and I see a guy he like, has his shirt
off and he's like, super ripped or something and I'm like, oh my
God, like you look any kind of look away because you're polite,
you know, maybe one more, maybe just one more little, but that's
it. That's it.
You know, you like you don't stare because that would be
rude. Right?
And I that's naturally something that I think is like a rule of
thumb or like an appropriate thing to do.
If you're walking to the stream you see like an attractive
person like it's just, why would you stare at them unless you're
trying to like, talk to them. And let's just say that, that
would be more of like a giving eyes.
Like hey, you know, but I wasn't doing that and I do is I notice
myself doing that with women as well.
That was the whole point of that story.
I got rambly. But that's the whole point is, I
would walk past a woman and they would be the same thing where I
would see them. And I would look down, I feel
like I did in my brain. I would just be like, Don't just
stop all this. Let's just stop being weird and
I would always just say that it's not being weird.
You're being weird, stop being weird and I wasn't being weird.
I just liked women. So all right, number 5.
Oh my God, this is a big one. Actually is I was like a very
intense. A lie.
Like I was a strong Ally Valentina.
I literally, I was the strongest Ally, like I would watch a queer
movie or something. And I would be like, oh my gosh,
like this. Is insane, like these people,
they deserve better, you know, I'll be crying.
Like I really had like this heart, this intense passion
towards the queer community and most straight people can they
can be Amazing Allies, but it's less likely that you would
naturally have a very strong pull in a way where it like
emotionally. Like, you know, breaks you up
really tears. You up as something that you're
seeing someone go through something like an Of queer
experience or, you know, struggling with their queer
experience. Like, that is something that
would really affect me. And I mean, unless you obviously
grew up with parents that were really into it or like you had a
certain influence, I didn't have that.
If anything, I had they opposite.
I was told that, you know, that was something kind of be a
fearful of or that that was something that just isn't good
to be around or isn't how God designed you stuff like that.
So I never you know if anything I should have felt the opposite
way but I was like Like, oh my God, like brokenhearted when I
would hear certain stories and movies.
So I just I think that that connection with the queer
community and being an ally but not just being an ally like
really feeling deeply deeply connected to the queer community
in a way that I would think that straight people wouldn't
necessarily. And I have seen that most
people, you know, don't connect to the queer community and that
way. All right, moving on.
Number six, is that I oh, hold on.
Hold on, I come in. Covered this point.
Okay, we're gonna move on. Number seven, just kidding.
The number five just so you know, was being an intensely
strong Ally in. Number six was the emotional
connection that I felt to the queer community and like the
emotions and then also, like, the way I guess I can add this
as well. The Ally part more.
So was that I really wanted to be a part of the queer community
in advocating for the queer Community.
Like I really just like I, I felt angry.
That's the only way I can describe it.
Like, I felt angry. We that people weren't allowed
to express themselves. I felt I felt angry that people
felt ashamed of their sexuality. The reason I felt that anger was
because I felt it. You know, the reason I felt so
torn up and would think about the queer Community a lot and
especially as I got older and saw the way that the church
approach talking about the lgbtq+ community, I was like
angry about. It was like, this needs to
change because it hurt me personally.
And that's the Friends. Like it wasn't just that.
I was like, oh, that's really sad, you know, it was like how
can you dare? They like I was so angry about
it and it was because I was still so angry about the fact
that I couldn't come out. And I never like had the
strength to and then eventually I did which we'll get to um,
number eight, is this one's so funny kissing my friends.
When I was drunk in like high school and whatever which like
you Yes, straight people do that sometimes Straight girls but for
me, it was like, I wouldn't stop thinking about it like it would
happen because like people we just kind of like a normal thing
that straight girls would do. But for me it was like not
necessarily in it wasn't like in front of guys.
Like usually when people talk about all straight girls kissing
like at a party it's like to do it in front of guys to like look
hot which is in my opinion pretty.
Eddie and just I don't even want to talk about that.
I just feel like it's gross and why would you do that?
But to be fair I'm bisexual. So if I thought that that was
hot then like fair enough but that's besides the point we're
not going into that. I would have experiences where I
would be like kissing girls and I was out and drunk whatever.
But it wasn't around anybody, like it was like we I was
literally just going out and having like these queer
experiences. But in my mind, I was like, hey,
this is what people do when they're drunk.
It's so funny because I'm the next day I would wake up.
And I'd be like, oh my God. Like I literally, I remember.
Oh my God, I shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm going to and I
was in high school and I was like, friends with this group of
girls or whatever. And this one girl, and I like,
we all the girls stayed over and slept over at my house and her
and I, I'm pretty sure I shared my bed or like one of the beds
in my house. I can't even.
I was pretty young. But anyways, her and I like made
out and all this stuff and whatever and like that.
Sleep together and like cuddle going to sleep together and like
woke up together in the same bed in like in the morning.
She was like, he my God last night was so fun like love you
bestie and I was like, like, in my mind I was like, whoa, like
either, she's also gay and in denial or this is just normal.
And what the fuck or she just doesn't feel what I feel, which
I just didn't. I didn't know, you know, no one
talked about it. I didn't No, if I was meant to
not be feeling that way, I felt creepy.
And this is the thing is, I always felt like I was like, the
one who was being weird. I was the one who was like,
thinking into things too much. You know?
All you should be able to just kiss your friend and move on.
Whereas I was like, no, I'm going to be thinking about that
for a week skin. Oh, I can be falling asleep
tomorrow night being like, hmm. I wish she was here.
Like, that's how it was for me. But other people, I felt just
like she brushed it off really easily and maybe that's the
difference, you know? I don't know the truth to that
like I don't know if there's an answer to how you should feel in
a certain scenario as a straight person as a by person as a
lesbian. Like there is no answer, you
know. But that's my experience and I
always felt like I was being the one who like, read into things
too much or maybe like was to like dramatic about things but I
just liked women. Yeah.
So yeah, kissing my friends and I was out and then like actually
thinking about it for a long time and then them just not
anyways. Number nine, It's feeling like,
oh, this isn't a really interesting one, which I don't
know how to explain this but feeling like I held masculine
traits when being around women, that I was attracted to, like,
going into like a mask energy. So if I was with a woman and
especially this is more. So as I got older and I started
to realize I was bisexual and it's more of a thing that not,
it doesn't always happen even now, but it's just something
that like happens. I guess, what?
Make sense like more in the more recent years is, it's like I
become more of a masculine version of myself, not on
purpose, but because I feel like I fall into a role that supports
them in a way. So say I'm with a woman who's
like, very feminine and yeah, I guess it's like more of a
feminine person. I feel like I fall into more of
like a masculine Vibe like little things like like being
the one to feel like I want to like take care of them and ways
for Make sure they get home safe or like open the door for them,
like things like that, which I don't mean, not even in like a
flirting way. Like I might even do this
towards a woman now without having any attraction towards
them, because it's just this thing that sometimes I feel like
I do with women that I never used to do like I see myself on
like this scale when it comes to like not even just my sexuality
but also like gender. It when I'm with other women, I
reflect things differently because of how I feel in
comparison to them but not in a comparison way it like feels
masculine and it feels like comfortable for me.
It's really hard to explain in. Again, it's kind of on those
things like if, you know, you know, and maybe you'll have a
different experience so you won't know.
And so I could be talking to nobody with this one, but this
was one that I had just noticed in the last few years that I
thought was really interesting and I've never heard anyone talk
about it and maybe It's just with people that you're into
like girls that you're into but I feel like I will like find an
energy that feels like it helps us connect and like sometimes
with women who are super feminine sometimes I'm also
super feminine and I'm like you know investi and like well in
like we can still be flirty and still have that both be very
feminine but sometimes even depending on where I'm at in my
menstrual cycle which is a whole other topic.
What kind of match, but in more of like, a masculine, like
supportive way. I don't know.
I don't know how to explain that one.
Hopefully, that made sense and I will say quickly, which I've
mentioned in. I think it was like cycle
sinking my last cycle sinking episode.
I was talking to Nam who I was interviewing and we were she's
bisexual as well. And we were talking about how at
different points in your menstrual cycle.
Sometimes you feel more inclined to be into like women or
intimate. Men and her.
And I both agreed on this that around testosterone or around
ovulation, which is when you are your body's like, literally
being like, have a baby have sex.
Let's go. I feel like I tend to be more
into men, which I don't know if that's a scientific thing.
I don't know. I don't want to say anything
like that but I we both are related on that one but then
closer to like my period and all of that.
I tend to be more attracted to And and it's not just like, it's
still, can come with like a sexual energy.
Like it's not to say that only around ovulation is when me or
Nam or whoever would want to have sex.
But it's interesting how that can change even with your
hormones month and month. So I don't know, maybe if you're
bisexual and you want to think about that one, there you go.
This is my last point and then that's it.
Ten number ten is that I would, this is like going to be a
really obvious one, but I wanted to talk about this at the end is
that I would genuinely want to and have but Want to kiss and
like have sex with women. Like it wasn't just in, this is
the separation between. If you're trying to figure out
whether or not you are bisexual or if you like women, it's
probably what you're kind of trying to figure out more.
So do you like women or do you actually think you would want to
pursue a woman in a romantic or sexual way or whatever?
Because you can be bisexual and you can also be asexual He is
when you are, this is very rough terms but you don't want to have
sex with basically anybody you don't have want to have sex
totally fine asexuality very very common like a huge part of
the queer community and a very underrated part of the queer
Community. Might I add not talked about
enough at all, but you can be bisexual and asexual.
So you don't have to have had sex with a woman to prove your
bisexuality. You don't Have to have had any
romantic situation with a woman to prove that you are a lesbian
or that you like women. Like you don't need to have that
and for me I felt like I it made me realize I do actually want
that with women as well because I am someone who wants to have
sex and I think that it is important that you still like
that you do genuinely want women in that way as well.
Not Is really sexually. Not necessarily romantically but
there it goes beyond like friendship.
I think there is like a line, you know, you can be bisexual
and know that you like lean more towards men, you can be bisexual
know you lean more towards women.
You can be like a 50/50 split but I find people usually kind
of go one way or the other. You could be someone who's
bisexual and you think you lean towards men and then one day
meet a woman and then end up spending your whole life with
that woman. And then you know, Know who you
didn't know you thought you knew and you didn't know.
And this is really common with bisexuality is that you just
know that you are open to whatever and from there, who
knows? Who knows?
And that's why I never really say that I lean either way.
But historically, I've been with more men because of my
upbringing and because of the fact that I didn't actually come
out as bisexual until a few years ago because I didn't I
wasn't able to I was Allowed to. And so I'll give you guys the
quick back story on me here. Is that if you haven't heard my
story before, I grew up in Canada, I moved to Sydney
Australia when I was 18 to do Bible College and I was going to
become like a pastor, like, that was my whole thing.
I was very involved in Singing in the church.
And like, I love being on stage, and I loved singing.
And to this day, I still love singing and I love music.
And I have a piano right there that you can't see that.
I just bought for myself for Christmas, which is so exciting
because I haven't actually owned my own piano in four years.
And so, while I mean, I guess I never owned a piano but I have
my parents house so it's the first one I've ever bought for
myself actually. I didn't realize that that's
actually cool. So I was really excited about
that and like I moved here for that.
But within the church I was going to I was in this program
to become a pastor and you weren't allowed to do anything.
In this program you weren't allowed to drink.
You want to smoke, you weren't allowed to have sex before
marriage, and you basically weren't allowed to be gay, but
they didn't say that. If you go, it's actually
interesting. Thing I learned this later, if
you go to like the rules, it's Hell Song.
By the way, if you don't know what he'll song is that don't
worry about it but it is Hell's on not going to make you, guess
I read the code of conduct and it says like sexuality it says
like we follow what pastors the main pastors names to have said
about this? Then it like links to another
article where they talk about how they believe that marriage
is designed for men and women. So it like it makes it hard for
you to realize what they actually.
We believe and they don't say anywhere flat out that you can't
be gay and go into the school program.
They don't say it but they will kick you out if you're gay and
that's what's so horrible is like they don't, they're not
clear about what's okay and what's not, okay?
And they like trick you into thinking that it's okay to be
something and they say like come as you are and you're welcome
and like blah blah blah and then you show up and then you can
literally get kicked out. So I didn't I didn't know this,
I didn't know this moving here and I even had friends who
Applied to move here. And then they later found out
that they were gay and they came said all the stuff that they
lied and all this stuff. Like I've seen so many issues
with the church and queer people.
And so I just always thought, you know what, even if I am
bisexual, it's not a part of my life.
I need to explore right now. I don't care to, I probably am
gonna end up with a man, anyways, because I've only ever
been with men, which, yeah, no fucking surprised because I
didn't think I was allowed to be with women, my whole life.
So why would I have had those experiences or like, why would I
have Felt like I could date a woman.
I should say. It was always kind of like this
bad cheeky thing that I did, you know, this bad like like
whatever, you know, but it was because I was just queer and I
just was in the closet but the closet was made of glass, you
know? Um, anyways, that's kind of my
story, I moved here. Realized I was definitely
bisexual, didn't know to do about it.
Didn't wasn't able to come out with scared, wanted to be part
of that church. And if I lost my Visa, I've been
kicked out the country enough. Obviously have a lot left that
school program. I would have lost my Visa.
And so I decided to just like stay in the closet and I was
also at that time when I was really feeling like I want to
come out was I was in this relationship with a guy who I'm
still with who's my partner and within, the first year of me
being here, we were like so close and we loved each other
and we were like like we want to live together, but we weren't
allowed to live together. Because we weren't married
because you weren't allowed to do anything.
So we knew if we ever wanted to live together, we had to get
married. And so I moved here and we
literally dated for probably about like eight months like by
the time was technically six months because we actually
weren't allowed to date for the first six months of the program
either guys, when I don't like, it's a cult and so called okay,
first six months, we were not to date.
And so we started dating by the end of those first six months,
we start dating till the end of my first year in Australia.
Yeah, we got engaged, six months later.
We got married and we're still technically married.
But we don't say we always say partner.
We never say like husband and wife.
It's so funny. We like joked about getting like
divorced and shit because, like, whatever, you know, we always
said, like maybe if we met now, we wouldn't be married if we met
six months ago. We obviously wouldn't be
engaged. You know, it's just a different
time of our lives and how we are now, when we've kind of gone
through different seasons of talking about what, you know,
exploring my queerness or whatever into a Relational or
like sexual sense and whatever what that means for us and
that's been a whole journey and definitely something we are
still. It's an ongoing thing that like
I probably wouldn't Felicia are about, to be honest on the
podcast right now, but I've just had a whole kind of interesting
past with it, where I basically was not allowed to come out, and
I basically was not allowed to be queer and it's only been in
the last few years that I've been allowed to do this and step
into this. And so I've just like, I'm
pretty intense, love a person. If you haven't noticed where I
just Oh, go really in on things and I'll do a lot of research
because I care a lot and I really want answers and I'll go
and read all the books that are over on my bookshelf, all about
sex and like, greedy by Jen Winston, which is a great
resource. If you want to hear more about
somebody's Journey coming out as bisexual and realizing that they
were bisexual or by which is a book about like the history and
the science and everything behind bisexuality.
And that's another one that taught me a lot about who I am
and help me understand why I am the way I am.
But Yeah, that's it. I don't know if there's anything
else I want to share specifically.
And let me check in a little note.
He's, that's it, guys. Um, there's a lot to say about
this topic. It's very complicated.
And if you're feeling overwhelmed, then that's okay,
and that's completely normal. And if you still feel like,
you're not sure right now, then that's okay.
If you're feeling disappointed because you're feeling like
you're leaning one way or the other, a, you're thinking, okay,
I actually am in to women. I'm a woman who likes other
women. Or you know, you're not buying
or any like other women or you know, by any like anybody and
whatever, you know, you're one of those people where you like
this could be a queer experience for me, and that's really scary
that. I'm sorry about that.
I'm sorry, because that is a journey that I went on and it
can be scary, you know, there's a lot of unlearning.
There is potentially a lot of like, biphobia and internalized
homophobia and things that you need to unlearn.
And yeah, that's scary. But it's a journey that is worth
going on and it is something. Oh my God!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Okay, hold on. So so so sorry to be pausing
like this but I have just seen that there is a firefly.
What, why is there a firefly in my house?
I am. Okay.
Hello. You guys I'm back.
Okay. Um Firefly Miss Firefly is still
in the room with us. She's still here with us and I'm
very sorry. If I look a little sweaty, if I
look like I've gone through some things in the last 10 minutes, I
have sorry about that and I will say that as much as it's going
to be a difficult Journey that you're going to have to go on.
It's not going to be as hard as what I just endured.
So, Anyways, look let's just I think we're gonna end on that
excitement. It's a journey to go through.
If you're feeling stressed and whatever, please, feel free to
reach out to me. I answer all my DMs on
Instagram, Melissa Taylor Harper, is my Instagram.
And I also do Tick-Tock as well. We have some fun on there which
is actually technically, like, my main platform.
I don't know. Also, we'll listen Taylor Harper
if you want to go connect. With me, then go find me over
there. And if you guys enjoyed today's
podcast, I asked them, please go ahead and follow on other
Spotify or apple podcasts or like wherever you listen, give a
little download, give a little save glove, a little a little
love, maybe a little rate and review, I don't know if you
loved it, let me know if you hated it and you have feedback.
Please again, let me know because this is for you.
This isn't what I mean. This is for me because I love
doing it but it's like for Eugene, I mean I do this for
you, let me know if you like the fact that you can see me now.
If you hate it, then I'm sorry. You can just close Close the app
I guess. And that's it.
Thank you guys so much for listening and I'm really
passionate about this topic and I love talking about sexuality.
I love talking about bisexuality, I love bringing
like some education around it and giving people some like
insight into it because I think it needs to be talked about
more. I like, don't know of a lot of
bisexual, like Advocates and I don't feel like I see this a lot
and it's something that I want to see more and more and more of
because I think it's powerful. And I think the more that we
Talk about these individual specific, queer experiences,
that we have growing up that maybe made it confusing for us
like, the more we can relate and not feel like we're alone in
this. And I think that's really,
really, really important. And I did actually just want to
say one last thing, as well, as if you kind of are leaning on
the thing of being like, Oh, I think I might actually just be
straight because I don't think that I see women in the way that
I see men, and that's also, okay, like, you can still be
this amazing, a lie, you can still be, you know, Around the
community and doing things for the community and supporting
your queer friends and I appreciate you coming to that
realization and not trying to be a part of the queer Community
because it definitely comes with a lot of struggles and like the
whole point of really being a part of the queer Community is
because it can be hard to go through that journey to struggle
with your sexuality to struggle. All these things into realize
that like, but you have a community that supports you in
that you have these shared like, traumas or like These shared
experiences and you can go through that together and talk
about that together. And then, of course, celebrate
queer Joy, which is so, so important and talk about amazing
queer stories in ways that the fireflies moving around, okay?
And we're going to go. Okay, thank you so much.
See you guys next week. Bye.