You're listening to. She said what with your house
Alyssa Harper? Hello sexy people.
Welcome back to. She said what if you have not
been here before then I just want to welcome you.
Let you know that this is a space for you, to come to become
the best version of yourself to grow to work on that inner
dialogue. And whether we are talking about
relationships or sex or sexuality, or like today money,
it's a space for you to come and hopefully leave being a better
person. And you, Have done some
self-reflection. And so if you have been here
before, then, I just want to welcome you back.
And thank you so much for being here and for listening and
supporting the show. Today we're going to be talking
about healing your relationship with money and how everybody has
a money story and it's something that I have never actually
touched on before on the podcast.
And I'm really excited because as we know, I love to talk about
things that I find people. Don't normally want to talk
about like those things when you're sat around a table, it
might be a little bit rude. I mentioned things like sex and
things like money, but I've never had the opportunity to
make an episode about money before.
And I've had such a journey with money going from feeling like I
shouldn't want money or I didn't deserve money.
Really undervaluing like my work and to the point where now I
feel like I've broken a lot of those things down and I have
such a healthy relationship with money in comparison to what it
was before. But of course, I'm always still,
you know, growing and learning but I think I've just come so
far with it and I really wanted to share with you guys.
The different things that have come up for me when it comes to
money things like I don't deserve money or money is bad or
money, makes me anxious and how I was able to work through those
mindsets when it came to money. And then also how I was able, to
figure out how to budget and to get a practical, hold on my
financial life. And so that's going to be
today's episode, I would say this episode is for you.
If you are someone who is anxious around money or you just
want to Take a moment to think about what your relationship
with money is like, because maybe you haven't even really
done that. Or maybe you just want some
basic tips on budgeting and kind of roughly figuring out, how to
understand what money is coming in, what money is going out so
that you're able to optimize your financial life because it
is something that we don't talk about enough, but is so crucial
to the way that we live our lives and everything our
happiness, and we're going to talk all about that today.
So let's get right into it. Starting out with a quick update
on my week. As per usual, it was my birthday
yesterday and I had the best birthday.
I actually think this is the birthday like that.
To me is the best I've had in years and years.
Probably since I was like quite a bit younger, just because I
spent it the way that I wanted to spend it about two years ago.
I remember, I had this like party up on this, like, rooftop
of the building that I was living in at the time.
Sounds bougie. It wasn't, okay.
It was like, literally just a rooftop and I had like, not a
lot of close friends at the time, and I remember just kind
of inviting people to fill the space and trying to make sure
that like, it looked like I was doing something like, cool for
my birthday and I just didn't make me happy.
And I remember, looking back at that and being like, okay, I'm
not going to do that ever again, because I tried to make it
something because I felt like I should be doing x, y z, but it
just wasn't like, personally, what?
I To do so. Then last year I went out for
dinner with Sam my partner and that was all that I did and I
was very happy to do. It will actually I should say, I
went, I remember I went to breakfast with one friend and I
went to lunch kind of with like another one of my really close
friends and then dinner with Sam.
So there's a lot of eating and it was still great, but
definitely very like, low-key and this year.
I feel like I found the perfect balance.
We're like two weeks ago or so. I went out with all like all my
close friends was like 10 of us like not a huge group at all but
like the Close close people to me and we went and just enjoyed
some like drinks and had a really fun time all together.
And we're all dressed up and it was just, it was so, so good to
have all of my people all in the same space, which like doesn't
happen that often, you know. So that was really exciting for
me. And then I had a stay at a hotel
here, in Surry Hills in Sydney, gifted to me with, like, a
dinner and stuff, which was like, so exciting.
And so nice that it just happened.
I happen to get that gift through.
Through Amazon Prime randomly and I got it through them right
before my birthday. And I was like perfect.
Let's use it for my birthday. So we went.
And if you saw my Instagram stories, I literally documented
the whole thing, because I was so excited about it, and it was
so fun. The room is beautiful.
If you guys are in Sydney, you need to go check out the Ace
Hotel because even just like the downstairs bar area would like
anyone can just walk into any point and whatever is beautiful
and so fun and also like a very queer space which I didn't
expect at all. But like when you walk in,
there's a side big sign on the wall that says, like, queer all
year and like, eat could tell the different people in there.
All just very like Good Vibes, you know.
Those are it was a really, really good time and I just
stayed over with Sam and I and we did a really beautiful dinner
upstairs at the restaurant. It's like 18 floors up and it's
called Kiln and because we had to use this voucher, we just
spent so much money on food because we didn't, we knew we
could do that because we weren't paying for us, we'd have to feel
like bad. About it at all.
And so we just like really wet out went all out and it was so
much fun. Like honestly, I'm so so
grateful and so thankful to have the people in my life that I
have. Right now in to have had that
really great opportunity to spend my birthday doing
something, just really nice and like over-the-top and amazing.
And so, I had a great day. I'm finally slowing down getting
back into like work this week and I thought this episode would
be great because I think I said this may be last episode or the
one before that I had been listening to other podcasts And
like, reading, and even just like, personally journaling,
when it comes to, like my personal practice on a regular
basis, where I will journal and sit down maybe once or twice a
week and I'll really like dig into my thoughts and really
reflect and like, give my top myself that space to almost like
meditate until. I feel like I've, I've kind of
like grounded myself. It's a grounding routine if I
will like that's how I would explain it.
That's my self care. And I was doing that and it's
money has been coming up so much for me.
Money has been something that has really like, been something
that I've tried to understand why I see it the way I see it.
And it actually came up over the last few days because I was in
this insane hotel room with like this big daybed that like
dead-ass, like, four people could sleep on just the day bed,
let alone the giant king size bed, right?
Beside it. And I walked in, and I was like,
like, this is so beautiful. This is too much.
I don't need all this on. My God, this is, this is too
much. I feel bad and I would right
away right away. My thought was I feel bad.
Don't want Eve. What if I post this on Instagram
and people think it's all that's too much and and I started
getting really in my head about thinking this is too much for
me. I don't need all of this.
And even when I went to Pilates this morning, I literally walked
in and so he's like, how's your birthday?
And I was like, it was amazing. It was insane.
Like, oh my gosh, like, I was just like shocked.
And I almost felt like weird talking about it because I
wanted to, I didn't want to come off as, I don't know, like being
like really privileged or whatever, I just didn't want to
come off. In a way that seemed like shitty
if that makes sense. And so I think it's been
something that's really on my mind right now, but something
that I wanted to bring to you guys and talk to you guys about
because I had to fend thinking so much about it.
I was thinking about how when I was like in college and I had
like, literally no money and I didn't understand my money.
Like I had no idea was going on and never had to manage myself
in this way, I moved across the world and suddenly I had to
figure out my own life and I just never done it.
And I would have these situations where I would
suddenly need $200. I didn't even realize that I Pay
this bill and it was this big stress and it be there calling
my mom going like Mom can I please borrow this money for
just like a few days and then when I get paid, all the pay you
back, and I'd be feeling horrible.
I didn't know what the hell is going on, you know, I would
overspend sometimes in ways that I just should not have overspent
or other times. I'd be way too harsh on very
specific things. Like, I'd be like, I'm not
allowed to have a coffee. I'm gonna I'm gonna go no coffee
and that's what I'm going to put to the side.
And then I would let myself by like really expensive, other
things that I did definitely didn't need.
So like, my my, the way I thought about money just needed
to be like developed and I needed to start to understand
why I fought the way I thought about runny.
So I'm going to go through first and tell you a bit about my
money story, which is something I learned from a podcast called.
She's on the money. Yes.
That's what's called she's on the money, which is a great
podcast and I would recommend it to you, for sure.
It's by this beautiful woman called, Victoria Divine, and she
is literally Divine. No, but she She just speaks on
money and she's really great about it and like you can go
really in depth with it. But I've learned heaps from her
and she has talked about money stories and how everyone has the
story like everyone has this history.
Everyone has certain traumas related to money or you saw your
parents, as you grew up or the people that raised you, as you
grew up like talking about money, maybe never, or maybe all
the time, maybe seeming stressed about it, but not telling you or
seeming stress about it and definitely telling you or making
you You feel like a burden because you costed money or you
know we all have these different stories and if we don't think
about the messages that we were told about money growing up,
then we don't often change those narratives and move on in a
healthy way. It's similar to how I talk about
our relationship with sex and shame.
And if we don't think about the messages that we learned about
sex and sexual shame, then we are likely to just hold on to
them, like subconsciously or unknowingly until we get A point
where it really smacks Us in the face.
And then we're with this just like really strong realization
of holy shit. I'm actually ashamed to XYZ to
masturbate or to use toys or to whatever because I was taught
that that was bad and I don't think that's bad that I was
taught it so you have to go back and really recognize it.
And so, for me, my money story is that growing up?
I definitely like my family was definitely well off we were
totally fine. My mom was an accountant.
So So you could imagine we definitely talked about money
all the time. My dad was a supply teacher and
so he never worked full-time. And he always had like a second
kind of job on the side as well. But he tends to be the one who
would like come and pick us up from school and do the things
where if anybody had to come and deal with the kids, like Mom was
at work, you know? But my dad would be there around
to pick us up and do things for us.
And so we definitely, I definitely am privileged and I
want to acknowledge that off the bat that that Something that I'm
very lucky to have. And for me I am coming from a
place where I definitely didn't get everything I wanted.
By any means. I remember oh my gosh.
I remember when I was in like grade 6 I want to say I was
pretty young and these were there are these jackets that
were so popular? They were called Bench Jackets.
I don't know if anybody remembers.
This is so embarrassing. They were like, literally like
kind of looks like rain coat and then it had this big back
section. Where the hood would like, stick
in there and everybody had one, it was like a cool thing to have
and I remember bunch of my friends had them and they had
like pink ones and purple ones, whatever.
And I was saying to my mom, mom, I really want this bench jacket.
Like I need this jacket. I need it, I need it, I need it.
And they were probably like, I don't know.
I want to say like $120 or something like, they were over a
hundred dollars. Like these are, these were like,
oh, this is a pretty nice jacket for a freaking.
I was like 13, right? Like for a young person 12, 12
years old, whatever I was, that's a pretty nice jacket, a
bit unnecessary rights on. Kitt.
Anyways everyone had one. I really really wanted one and
my mom was like I'm not buying you one of those.
You don't need that. You just don't need it.
You know, you only get the things that you need.
You don't need that, you have a jacket.
And we went to this like op-shop this like second hand store one
day and we found this one, this one bench jacket and it was like
a teal color. It was actually so ugly.
This is so embarrassing. It was like a teal color and it
had like the bench part was written in like green.
It was not good, but it was $60 and my mom was like, okay, I'll
buy you this bench jacket for $60, but you're not getting like
a new one. Like, you can have this one.
And so, I took that bench check. And I remember wearing it to
school and I thought it was ugly.
I literally thought it was ugly, but I was like, but at least I
have a bunch jacket because I want people to like, see that.
I also have a bunch jacket. Like I'm also cool.
So like that's an example of like what it was like growing up
for me. We're like my we definitely had
everything that we needed but I definitely didn't have
everything that I wanted. And if I wanted By certain
things, it would be a conversation and like, okay,
here's why I want it. And I would like to State my
case when I wanted to go to a One Direction concert when I was
14, I want to see 13 or 14. I was obsessed.
I was fully obsessed. And these tickets were like to
$300, like they were very expensive, and I was like, Mom,
like I want them so bad on them. So, so bad.
My sister and I sat down and we wrote a letter.
We literally wrote a letter, like typed out.
Out a letter printed it and like, put under my mom's pillow,
like, we would be, like, please. We would convince her, and we
would tell her why we needed, and why was it really important
experience. And if we could justify things
and we were allowed to get them or like maybe she would make it
happen. But sometimes we couldn't in
that just was the reality of it and so it was a bit of like a
mixed experience and I definitely would not say that I
missed out on things you know I went to all the school trips and
if I really wanted to get into like a sport Something, all of
that was supported and I did piano lessons all the growing up
and even that, like, that's a really good example as well,
somewhere in between. So like I really wanted to do
piano and vocal lessons. And my mom was like, well, we're
not paying for you to do both of them.
So I alternated. So every other week I would do
piano and every other week I would do singing lessons.
So it was kind of like that mixed in between and growing up.
I think, being in that space where I had what I needed, but I
didn't have everything I wanted. I think it did teach me.
Really well how to justify the things that I want.
But there's always like a flip side to that.
So as much as I felt like it was important for me to figure out
what was in need and what was like a Justified purchase.
It also means that now in my adult life, I have moments where
I'll be saying to say I'll be like just, you know, I bought
this and I got this but Kate, I really needed it because I'm
running out of this and this is this is this and he'll say to me
you don't have to justify it to me.
You don't I don't I don't care. You don't have to explain to me
and I'll go. I just want you to know that I'm
not wasting our money. I'm being really Mindful and
like I really like overcompensate in that sense.
So we'll get into that a little bit more in a second but it's
funny how a lot of these things that we learn.
There's always like a flip side to it.
There's a good, there's a bad, and we all come from a different
place. So what I want you to do is to
absolutely take a second here. And think, okay, what was my
money story like growing up and if you have a very clear thing
in your mind right now of like, well we had no money, we were
poor, okay? But Take a second and think even
more detailed. What did that look like?
Was it guilt put on you, or was there either of your parents or
whoever took care of you growing up acting as if money wasn't an
issue when it was or whatever it is think about the details of it
and think about the things that maybe your family Justified
spending on, but other families didn't seem to justify or things
that you thought was really unfair, that you weren't allowed
to have. But other people were and how
Parents values maybe didn't trickle down and translate to
what your values were. Just take a second to do that
doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo it, it, it it, okay, great.
And we're back something I wanted to add about my money
story that was not just about from where my parents were from
and raised. In Hell, things were for them is
that I was raised in the church as well, and every church is
different. Every religion and whatever is
obviously different as well. And so I'm not going to say that
this is an overall statement that covers all people who have
grown up in the church but for me I felt like money was
something that was asked to be given often to the church and so
I always heard it being talked about as this really important
valuable asset that should be used for good.
So I had that influence and then I also had the influence of
Money being vilified and people who had may be nicer things are
more expensive, things it being vilified because often within
the church and this is our group Pentecostal Christian to be
clear. It is seen as idolizing
something. So when you idolize something
it's like you see it as being really important and probably
more important even than God and so you would put money before
God you put your favorite singer before God you put you know,
wanting to Look cool with your friends before, God.
It's usually the idea of idolizing, something is a bad
thing in the church for sure. And so I really saw that money
was something that people would see other people idolize and so
you'd hear in different sermons them saying things like like, do
you need a beautiful car in a fancy?
This and a fancy that to show that you are who you want to be
or should it be the word of God like on your lips?
You know, sharing the word of God.
People because there's so much more value in the word of God
than there, is in money or whatever your idolizing.
And so that was a really big influence for me as well, and
that definitely ties into some of the things that I feel like I
have thought about money for the longest time.
Until I recently really dug into it and started to unpack it.
All right? Getting into it.
Common issue. Number one that I have
absolutely experienced is that I feel like I don't deserve money
growing up in the church. And especially, and I would say
this also applies to people who just grew up with people who
also potentially had this belief.
So this isn't just for people who grew up conservative or
whatever. This is also people who grew up
with similar messaging from the people, that raised them.
I felt like I didn't deserve nice things, and if I didn't
need, it wasn't necessary for me.
This one, even came up over this weekend.
Like I said, like, for my birthday, I walked into that
room, and I was like, I don't need this, this is too much.
Oh, my God. This is, this is pretty good.
I feel bad spending so much money.
And again, I was even spending my own money, but I felt bad
getting so much value and was like, I just don't need this,
you know, I don't, I don't deserve it.
And I think, especially in the church you grow up with this
idea of well, no, you don't deserve anything, but God is
going to gift. You all these things.
Everything is a gift from God and you are not deserving of
anything, but the only reason that you are getting things in
life. At all is because God is
blessing you or, you know, day because Jesus died on the cross
for you. And that was kind of like, the
whole thing. And so I never felt like I was
worthy. It's a common thing to say in
the church, if you don't know those, it's a common thing to
say, I am not worthy, you know, I'm not worthy of your love.
Thank you so much for loving me. God that's like a whole thing
and so you repeat for your whole life, a very long time at least
for me like I'm not deserving. I am not worthy.
You literally speak those things over and over and over and then
like the winning factor is that like you're worth it because of
God. And so it's this whole thing and
I really had that one ingrained in me this thing that I don't
deserve it. And so, I think now I'm at a
place where I'm starting to feel like I do deserve things.
And I'm starting even saying that though, right now, if I'm
being 100% honest, there's a little part in my, my chest, my
stomach. I don't know.
That feels like ocean. Say that can't be saying that
can't be saying that it's It's real.
It's very deeply ingrained but I'm a lot better now.
When I have that feeling that tells me oh you shouldn't say
that with being able to combat it and go, no, actually here's
why I say it because I actually am deserving of say compensation
for my job because I'm a hard worker, or I am deserving of a
good healthy, loving relationship, because I'm a good
partner and I'm willing to give as much as I receive is.
Does that make sense? So I kind of go through this
process We're even if I still have moments, where I'm say,
triggered or I feel that ping of like anxiety or even like
imposter syndrome or you shouldn't be saying that almost
like this this deeply ingrained fear-based belief.
That feels like just this reflection not a reflection a
like instinct or a quick thing that pops into my mind, what the
work is in my opinion is figuring out how How you combat
it in that moment, which I've talked many times on the podcast
about cognitive behavioral therapy CBT which is where you
are, taking an idea, a belief, a bad thought something that comes
up in your mind. And you're actually going
through the process of journaling how to change that
belief, and how to move forward in a way where you've actually
clarified, and you're working on changing that belief.
So, even if right now, the Pathways in my brain, when I
say, I am deserving of something.
Is negative and it goes, whoop. No, you're not.
I'm actively redirecting. The thought to become a positive
thought and teach my brain to genuinely believe that I am
deserving of something. So it's a lot of like mental
gymnastics and I hope that didn't get to like confusing but
it's real and it's a real thing. And I think for me to wait to
make a podcast episode say about this because I think, oh well
I'm not perfect and I don't have it figured out.
Out then I would never do it. I would never get there and it's
really about helping ourselves figure out, figuring out why we
feel the things that we feel and then being able to change it
into become something else. And then eventually, we actually
do become someone who's more open.
It doesn't feel that shame or feel that disbelief, or that
fear or whatever, because we've actually worked on it and we've
healed that part of our brain. Next another, really, common
thing that's discussed around money is that money makes me
anxious. Money makes me anxious.
It's something that I've heard so many people say and I have
absolutely related to at many times.
I'm naturally a pretty anxious person, or I tend to go that
way. If I don't keep it in check and
I find money causing anxiety, usually comes from either having
a lack of money, which is obvious in definitely something.
I've experienced being in college and eating two-minute
noodles, not a good time or not. Knowing what's Going on with my
money, kind of like a lack of self-awareness or feeling a bit
out of control. Because I just didn't have the
knowledge to understand how, like budgeting works or even to
really understand how what I have incoming, and what I have
outgoing works, and like, what money I actually need if that
makes sense. I just like, didn't really have
enough awareness around what was going on and would be surprised
when I came up really short, or I just felt like I didn't have a
plan and Money. Just felt so Random.
It felt like this thing that like, how could I even track it?
How could I even budget? That's so ridiculous.
Because every month is so different.
I felt like I was very lost with money and so anxiety is a big
one and I know you're thinking Alyssa, why don't you just get
more money? Get your money up, bitch.
Look, it's not always that easy, okay?
It's not always that easy. And I think when people look at
people and see them in their situations of not having a lot
of money, often the response, Ponce is like, well, you should
have worked harder, you should have, you know, everyone has
access to just be able to go and get a basic job that anyone can
do like Hospitality or I don't know, working in retailers a
very like basic job, you don't even need to have any kind of
schooling, any kind of blah blah.
And I will say that I absolutely did have access to this.
I am privileged very privileged to have had access to that from
the age. I could work, but not everybody
does and I think it's really important just A little side,
note that if you do, see, people really struggling with money or
complaining about money or you view people who are experiencing
homelessness as people who probably should just work a
little bit harder or who could probably do more if they tried
that is very close-minded and very privileged mindset to have
and I'm sure you are amazing and you don't have that mindset, but
I just think it's really important to point out because I
still hear that narrative. Very often and people acting as
if everybody has the same opportunity that they have when
they don't. And you might be thinking, oh,
well, on a basic level. Yes, they have the opportunity,
but there are so many things that stop people from being able
to get a job like not having a consistent home address or
having to do things in the time that they would be going to that
job, like caring for a child or a parent or a loved one or
something like that. Even things like Purchasing a
uniform getting transport to a job struggling with your mental
health and not being able to commit consistently to a job
that requires you to be there and be present, even people
struggling with addiction. Like, there are so many things
and that can happen at any stage of somebody's life, no matter
where they're at. And so I think it's just really
important that we recognize that as much as you might be a really
hard worker and you have been able to do really well for
yourself and a lot of areas. Not everyone has Has that
ability. And so if money makes you
anxious, because there are other things that come into it, like I
have to pay for my health because I need this medication
or psychology, like, psychologists counseling,
whatever therapy to keep me healthy.
I need money for these things that maybe other people don't
need money for. Then, I definitely just want to
acknowledge that and recognize that, because, as much as I
haven't had that experience other than mental health,
really, it is very Real and my only really example of this from
my life, personally, which I'm very blessed to be able to say
this. But my only experience of this
is when I was in college, I was at Hillsong College, which you
guys should know by now, because I'll be talking shit.
All the time about it was a Hillsong college and I was
giving so much of my time and money and effort to the church
that I was personally, like, really struggling and I was
trying to work as much as I could in a restaurant.
And I'm like, running around up until 1 a.m. at this restaurant
and getting up the next morning to go to church at like five am
crazy stupid shit that I was doing back.
Then it was really hard because I also needed to pay to go see a
counselor because I was really struggling and I didn't at the
time I couldn't blame it on the church because I didn't know
that it was a lot of that. Like obviously you know it's not
just circumstantial but a lot of it was being triggered by a lot
of things going on in the church.
I was really struggling and Remember there is one week where
I was like having multiple panic attacks, just I was like I can't
work. I literally can't work.
I can't like, I don't know what to do.
I couldn't go into a shift. I felt like I was going to cry
at any second. I felt like what happens if I
have an anxiety attack when I'm at work that like, I felt, you
know, that is embarrassing or what if they think that I'm not
going to be a good person to come into work and so they
stopped giving me shifts. Like, I felt really at risk, I
think in that moment and I Amber Sam.
Who at the time was my boyfriend, like, offering to pay
for my rent that week and I felt so guilty and I was like, no,
you can't do that. Like, please, I don't want that.
And I think he actually did end up paying, for my rent that
week, which was like a huge deal to me because even accepting was
like, $200 at the time for $250, I felt terrible for even doing
that. But it was, it was really scary.
It was, I felt very defeated and then the anxiety of not having
money because I felt like Don't work made my anxiety so much
worse, and it was just a horrible Loop and so I'm so
grateful to not be there anymore.
But even now, I'm so grateful that I get to do content
creation as my full-time job. Because if I wake up one day and
I really am not feeling well, for whatever reason I'm able to
adapt. Whereas even when I was teaching
Pilates, less than six months ago, I would have so many days
when I would wake up and I would be like, so anxious to teach for
I'm reason just being in front of people didn't feel good,
maybe like some PMS before my period because I was kind of
struggling with that a little bit and I would just be like,
this is fucked. I can't believe this.
This is fucked. I can't believe I'm going in
right now or I would cancel work and then I would feel like a bad
person going not going to work, you know?
So is it is a whole thing and you might have specific reasons
as to why you might be anxious around money.
And again I just want to acknowledge that because I think
we've all had certain scenarios where we felt that And it's not
just, oh, I'm anxious. Because like I just want to have
enough money to like save so I can like go shopping.
Like, no, it's like survival. Okay.
Another belief is that wanting money is shallow and
self-centered in, this is one that I had to break down so
much. And you know what, when I first
moved to Australia, when I would go shopping, say for clothing, I
would look at $100 and I would go.
That's a lot of money. I can get say 5.
I've t-shirts with that, I can get five or six or even seven
maybe shirts and like little crop tops.
So, I would think, okay, I'm getting this amount of items,
I'm getting more items, so I'm gonna go and get, like, six
shirts even if I really needed pants, even if I really needed a
jacket. In my mind, I felt like quantity
was better over quality. And with a lot of things in my
life, I would go for quantity, like, even food.
I don't know, everything like home decor.
In everything that I wanted in my life.
I wanted quantity because I thought that that was valuable.
And now I've moved into a space of seeing quality as being
better but at one point, I used to feel sick to my stomach at
the idea of spending like a hundred dollars on a really nice
t-shirt, which still again, that is a lot of money.
It is, it is a lot of money for a t-shirt.
Okay? It is.
And I get that. But when I start to look at the,
where's that? I Actually get out of it and the
way that it actually fits my body and makes me feel confident
leaving the house. Like the way that it's not going
to break apart or get like all Bali like the way that it's
going to be a good quality product, then I was able to
start to justify it over time and that doesn't mean oh great.
Now I'm going to start spending five times the amount that I
spent before instead of twenty dollars in spending $100, it's
not that it's that you shop that much less and you get less
items, but you get higher quality.
The end, that's something that I have changed over time.
And it's funny that at one point.
My mindset was so stuck on a hundred dollars for teacher.
That's crazy. That's fucked, that's fine.
Who's gonna spend that? That's ridiculous.
Sam and I used to fight about this, because Sam loves clothes,
he loves it. And the reason Sam is coming up
a lot in this episode, is because we have all of our money
together. And so, if you guys want to hear
more about that than I can absolutely make an episode on
that or him, and I can do it together but we have all of our
money together. And we've done that ever, since
we like moved in together and got married.
So, yeah, we put everything together and I used to be like,
well, you're not justifying it, why are you not justifying to me
why that's necessary a hundred dollars for a t-shirt?
That's insane. You need to justify it because
my mom wanted me to justify my expenses growing up and he just
didn't think that way. He thought well life is too
short who gives a fuck get what you want and I would be
thinking, what do you mean? Here's the self-discipline and
so it's so funny that being with somebody who thinks differently
than you can really like we would fight over the stuff.
You guys have no idea you fight but then you also like really
help each other and you teach each other and you can come to
really healthy middle grounds because you have all the data
from one side, like one whole family, that does things a whole
certain way and then you have all the data from the other side
and then you can kind of come together and create like a
version that That works for both of you and it's just
interesting. Everyone is so different, but I
think that one is so important because wanting money in
reality, you know, wanting things that are of quality is
not shallow. I, I now see wanting things of
quality as being like, smarter financially and instead of
coming from this mindset, that is like less-developed.
That's just, like, oh, that's too much, or that's not
necessary, or who you trying to be like, what do you do?
Prove or who you trying to look good for.
You know this isn't a fashion show that kind of thing that
very negative mindset of seeing something that is of quality
being too expensive and unnecessary taking that and
going, okay? But is the use going to make it
worth it and is you know, the experience going to be worth it
and starting to open up that mindset and finding that in
between where you're actually going.
I can justify it. We don't always have to but I
can personally justify it so that I Can feel like I'm making
a responsible choice and go. Okay, this thing is actually
worth my money and so that's something that I've had to grow
in a lot. I think is really interesting
and something that a lot of people don't realize that they
think that way and they just are quick to say all that stupid.
That's dumb. That's unnecessary.
But then with you actually dig into it, it's like well maybe it
is great, maybe it is worth it. I used to look at people who
wore even like designer clothing which is often I'm not always
but is often Better quality than something that you're going to
go buy at your local fucking Walmart or Kmart or whatever I
would look at that and be like hmm they're probably the
probably really low self-esteem, you know they're probably trying
to prove something and I used to see it.
So close-minded Lee, I think because I didn't have access to
those kinds of clothes. I don't have access to it so I
would go, oh, I don't need that. But why do they need it?
But the point is that maybe they don't quote need it.
Maybe they're just able To get it.
It makes them feel happy and good in their body and they see
the value in it because it's actually going to last them a
lot longer than something that they're going to buy at Kmart
and maybe get five washes out of and then potentially have to get
rid of. And, hey, I'm not saying that
all the Kmart stuff is bad because these slippers right
here, are from Kmart. So I'm not, I'm not dissing
Kmart, we love Kmart but all I'm saying is that it's really
important that we start to dig into these little mindsets that
we have. That we probably don't even
realize. We have that, we could have
picked From our grumpy ass father, or are crazy mother or
whoever? That's so mean, that was a joke
and my parents are not like that at all.
All I'm saying is that we could have picked these things up from
people without realizing it and as we grow and we actually
become the people that we want to become.
We can start to go. Oh, wow.
I actually don't want to believe that.
I don't want to think that way. I don't want to be so
pessimistic. I actually want to be
open-minded and be empathetic and understanding towards, why
people think the way they think and why people spend the money
the way, the They spend their money and last but not least,
I'm bad with money, is a really commonly said thing, and I think
this tends to come from making emotional choices when it comes
to money. Like going out of your way to
get something, when you are feeling, like you are down.
And I think this happens to a certain extent and it's fine to
have those moments where you're like, I just want a little pick
me up, maybe that's like a little ubereats moment, or
that's just wanting to get something for you to enjoy.
And I think that's fine to a certain extent, but when it
becomes something that is, Assistant and unhealthy, it's
definitely something that is worth working on and figuring
out why that is your crutch. And why that's the thing that
you go to. Maybe you saw this as you grew
up and you saw someone doing this.
And it's something that we don't want to be doing consistently,
because obviously it ends up being taxing on us.
So, the things that we do value, we want to spend money on.
We then don't have the money to spend on it.
Now, I want to talk really quickly about budgeting and how
I was able to go from a place of, really not understanding
what was happening. With my money to then moving
into a place of feeling. Like I understand my money and
I'm able to see my budget at least in my head and also now on
paper and on a spreadsheet in a way that makes sense for me.
So I'm able to have a hold on my life financially, something that
I did. When I first tried to figure out
how to budget was, I literally pulled out a piece of paper and
I started writing down. Okay, this is my incoming and
this is my outgoing. So this is your take home
homework that you are going to do if you are Feeling like you
don't have a hold on your life financially, this is how you're
going to start to understand how your money works.
There's two things here that you can do specifically.
So, the first one is taking what you currently spend.
Looking at maybe use one card all the time, maybe it's
multiple. But if it is one, then going
through and actually printing out your statement from the last
month you can do two months. You know how much time that you
think you need to have an accurate representation of how
much money you spent? And go through and highlight all
of the things that are necessary expenses with one color and then
highlighting with the other color, all of the things that
were just choices that you made. So going out to eat all of the
fun stuff, everything that you purchase that is like, okay, I
didn't absolutely need to spend that.
If I wanted to prioritize that money in a different way, this
is very enlightening because it will make you go.
Whoa. Oh, I spend a lot of money on
this thing and I had no idea. And if I cut that, that actually
means that I could potentially save an extra, maybe $20 a week,
maybe a hundred dollars a week and that can be a huge shock.
And something that I think we should all be aware of,
especially if you haven't done anything like this before, the
second thing that you can do is to look at creating a budget and
that can be very scary, but this can be a very quick practice
that doesn't need to take a long time.
So first of all you there's two parts of it.
There's your incoming and your outgoing incomings.
More simple. So maybe you have one job.
You have one stream of income writing down.
On roughly, how much that comes in every week or bi-weekly?
I like to do it based off my pay schedule.
So I used to do it based off weekly.
When I was paid weekly working at a restaurant, then I started
being paid bi-weekly when I worked at a pilates studio.
So then my budget with more of a biweekly thing.
And now it is kind of more of like a monthly thing because I
freelance and I don't have consistent income at all.
Some months are really great. Some months, I'm making very
little money less. I used to make at the restaurant
and so it depends on what's happening in my life, but it can
be different depending on who you are in your scenario.
So think about how you want to do it, whether you want to do it
in one week or a month or whatever makes sense.
For you write down all of your incoming, maybe there's multiple
streams, whatever it is, write it down and then you want to go
over to outgoing. So outgoing, you're going to
start with all the things that are absolutely necessary.
This is your bills. This is your rent.
This is your phone bill. This is your car.
This is whatever is like a assistant thing that you
absolutely need. Maybe you fill up your gas tank
once a week and that's 90 dollars or whatever it is.
So then you write that down, you write down how much you need to
spend. Obviously if it's if you're
doing it in a month you want to then multiply that Weekly
expense by for. You are smart.
I know you know that but you know, break it up, figure it
out. You have the things that you
absolutely need to pay for, and then you have the things that
are consistent, spend like consistent naturally, like
always comes out, but isn't Necessary 100% necessary.
So that's going to be things like Netflix, any kind of like
apps that you maybe pay for with like Sam there's like certain
music things that he needs. I don't really know how it works
but like certain like plug-ins for music, I don't know.
So there are certain things like that.
That it's like, okay, in theory, he doesn't need them but we
prioritize it. We know it's necessary for me
there certain like editing apps. Like I use like a splice, which
is an editing app and just extra storage on my phone.
So there's Those kind of consistent ones that are
somewhere in between a need and a want.
If you will, there's that section because potentially you
might actually go back to the section and take something out.
Like if you can think, okay, I can actually not choose to pay
for Netflix this month, and that means that I'm gonna be able to
save XYZ. Maybe that's going to be
something that you want to do depending on how much you value
Netflix. Right?
And then going forward, we have all the things that are more so
want. So then we have eating out and
buying And anything that is fun. Going out with friends, like,
not just fun, but things that are, you know, a choice that
you're going to be spending on. And so, that's where we want to
talk about, figuring out your values.
This is the exciting part in. This is the part that takes more
self reflection as well, because your values are going to be
different person to person in there, is nothing wrong with
having a value that might not seem like a value to somebody
else. If for you beauty is a priority
getting your hair done, getting your nails done, being able to
spend x amount Of money on like new makeup, products or whatever
every single month, then that's totally fine by the way.
And I think, for a while, I felt a little bit dumb being like,
Oh, putting my nails in my budget, that's so stupid if I'm
gonna do that shit. Anyways, then who am I like,
what am I doing? I'm wasting my time.
If I'm not going to just put it in the budget and acknowledge
that, that is something that I want to spend money on, and if
you're sitting there going, well, that's a bit dumb, that's
not necessary. I've been really wanting to
spend money to travel. Why am I getting my nails done?
Perfect? Then you can That and see.
Maybe I actually want to sacrifice this expense that I
have been spending recently and not even realizing that that's
actually pretty expensive and maybe that's something I
actually want to get rid of. And so, what I would encourage
you to do at this point is sit down and think about what your
True Values are when it comes to money and where you want to
spend, to be able to have fun. Maybe you actually are, okay?
With every time you go out with your friends, not drinking
because maybe you also want to work on your relationship with
alcohol and you've decided, you know what, I'm not going to
drink at all this month, and that's probably We actually
going to save me, potentially a few hundred dollars or even just
a hundred dollars because, you know, five cocktails 20 bucks
each. That's it, 100 bucks right there
and you probably don't realize that until you step back and you
go. Whoa, that's actually a lot of
money and a lot of people don't realize what they spend their
money on. So that is what I was encourage
you to do is figure out your values and where you want to
start to place money. After you have a bit of a
budget, you can go in as depth as you want.
You can get really specific, you can go.
To like date night or however many times you want to be going
out per month or how much you would love to be putting towards
a trip, if you are planning a trip for a certain time and you
know you need say two thousand dollars for this trip, okay?
If that trip is in 4 months that means I need $500 a month, okay?
That's a lot of mice. Then you have to figure out K
per week. That's more than $100 a week,
okay? What am I spending?
Maybe $100 or even a little bit more on per week and then you
start to break it down that way, and it starts to feel a lot more
Practical, something you're actually able to do.
And like I said, I use up bank, which is a great, great app for
saving money. And so I have all these little
Savers. And so, maybe I get paid and I
go, okay, this money's going to rent, I know in my mind that per
week, say, I would make, let's say it's a thousand dollars to
make it easy, Sam, make a thousand dollars in a week, I
could go. Okay.
I need to put, maybe these are not accurate numbers by the way,
but Sam putting four hundred dollars towards rent.
I have $100 towards bills. I have $100 towards like Food in
that. I have these extra hundred
dollars for little things, I need to buy in the break it
down, and then you go. Okay.
And now I can save $100 and I can use this hundred dollars for
putting two words Beauty. And while the things that I
value, right? So you start to break it down
and it makes more sense in your mind.
So if you're having these moments of frustration you're
like, hmm, I really want to get my nails done.
I hate that. I don't have money then you can
go. Oh no.
But you know what? I'm actually prioritizing this
trip and you can like rationalize it and it feels
better to know what's going on with your money.
And I think it's Much more empowering and then that
anxiety, when you're sat there, getting your hair done and
you're going, oh my God, this is so expensive.
This is too much. I don't need this, you can go.
No, but I budgeted for it. So I don't have to feel bad
spending this money because I know that it lines with my
values. Does that make sense?
So I think that really helps me and when I started to break it
down, I first did on paper just because I wanted to get very
like just, you know, just very like basic very like bottom
level figure it out and Then I went from there to creating,
like a spreadsheet and I use like Google Sheets and I like
will write it out. And so I've seen people where
they have such such such detailed budgets to the point
that it's like to the dollar and I'll see people who will just do
it, very roughly, but you need to do.
Whatever is going to make you feel most empowered.
So you can actually make choices for your money that make you
feel really good. I should say, as well, one last
thing that money kind of comes and goes and it comes in certain
Seasons more so maybe EU work more over summer and then you
save some money and then as you go back into school or whatever
you're doing, then you have a little bit less but you can use
that savings that you had from your summer or maybe you just
want to have a really fun summer and you want to make a bunch of
money and spend a lot of money. And then you want to go back to
your poor student lifestyle. When you're back in school, and
that's totally fucking fine. You do whatever you want to do,
was ever going to make you what's going to make you feel
good in your situation and try to anticipate any kind of like
anxiety that you might have towards your money so that
you're able to. Be prepared and feel good.
Once you have a bit of a budget going, then you can kind of
revised, you know, the next month you can sit down and go.
Okay, I ran out of money a lot quicker than I thought.
I was going to when it came to groceries or when it came to
wanting to buy extra things. I didn't realize how much I shop
or whatever it is then you kind of can sit there and you can go
okay well I do actually need an extra hundred dollars for this
thing that might need to come out of beauty a little bit and
maybe 50 will come out of Beauty &.
He will come out of savings for travel or 20 + 20 + 20 + 20 will
come out and you see him saying you kind of start to break it
down and it all starts to make sense.
And you feel like you really are leading your life in a way that
it doesn't just feel random. It's not like, oh no what if
this random expense comes out? What if this thing randomly
happens, it doesn't have to feel like every time, you're bringing
it down right to the Dollar by the time, right?
Before you get paid, it makes sense and you are feeling like
you're living in abundance. And then the more you create
that Like control within your financial life as you hopefully
grow and become even more financially, abundant that just
starts to expand even more. So you're used to understanding
that you have to potentially make sacrifices in certain ways
and then as you hopefully start to gain more of an income, then
you can go. Okay, well maybe I'm going to
start to put more money towards savings, or maybe I'm going to
bring back those things that I was able to sacrifice.
Or maybe you'll be like oh I was really able to sacrifice it.
I didn't realize how much I actually didn't need to get my
nails done every other week or whatever.
And I'm happy to not spend on that and I can put that money
somewhere else so you really start to get a hold on it and
then as you grow your able to manage like a 50 thousand dollar
a year budget and then you're able to manage a hundred
thousand dollar a year budget, and then 200,000, and maybe
you're going to get to that point where you just continue to
grow because you are always able to understand what was going on
even when you didn't have a lot to manage.
And I think I felt that. I one point where I was making
not a lot of money. All I was just like this is
done. Why am I trying to manage this
money? I'm talking about $10 here, I'm
talking about $20 here, but if you can manage 1020 dollars,
then you can manage a thousand dollars, two thousand dollars.
And then from there, you can really grow and alongside doing
that actual practical, budgeting, you're also managing
how you feel about your money and healing from the ways that
you potentially felt negatively towards money growing up and you
start to heal it and you have a really healthy A ship with
finances overtime. That's it for today's episode,
guys. I hope that you liked this
conversation. I have like I said, I've never
talked about money on my podcast.
I don't know if you guys are going to like this, but I
thought it would be helpful for you guys to hear a little bit
about how I've managed getting to where I am.
Because I get a lot of people asking me about how I'm able to
live in a very expensive city or house able to do that.
While not having any education, I'm working in a restaurant No.
And then how I was able to save from there to become a Pilates
instructor and then save from there to become a freelancer and
like, all the little in-betweens and how you're able to kind of
work through different seasons. And I could talk about it all
day long. But hopefully, this is generally
helped you to create a healthier mindset around money and I
really, really encourage you to now go and take that time and
have it come up, more and little moments.
When you feel anxiety around money or you feel guilt from
spending money or whatever it is.
Is that you start to recognize why you feel those things and
then you start to heal those ways of thinking.
So that as you grow and as you move into different seasons
financially, you always feel like you're able to create that
stability. And you're able to have a good,
hold on your money and you actually do have control of your
life, you are actually in control of your situation which
is so empowering and something that we don't talk about enough.
So thank you guys so much for listening.
If you don't already, follow it on Spotify or up a podcast or
wherever you listen, then, please go ahead.
And follow. If you want to connect with me,
I'm over on Instagram, and Tick-Tock atalissa Taylor
Harper, and you can join our Facebook group called she said,
what podcast group? Or I keep you guys updated on
the podcast, and sometimes, just some other things going on in
life, getting some feedback back from you guys as well.
So if you want to be in the community, then come and join us
over there, and that's everything.
Thank you guys so much for listening and I will see you
next week. Love you guys.
Bye.