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Welcome everyone to Sunday 
Wisdom sessions. 

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Today we're going to be talking 
about relating and when we talk 

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about relating, I had to put 
some effort into choosing the 

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wording for today's topic. 
Is it about relationships? 

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Now relationships gives the 
association of family, of close 

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relationships. 
Yes, it includes that. 

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But then what about relationship
with the world, with objects, 

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with the weather, with politics,
with the news? 

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How do we relate with that? 
Does that get included in 

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relationships? 
Should you find the right word? 

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Just for our title for today 
took a little bit of application

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and the reason why we chose 
relating was because it 

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encompasses the whole activity. 
Now if we follow the sequence of

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these Sunday wisdom sessions. 
Earlier we spoke about the havoc

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that the mind can wreak and why 
it is vital for the intellect to

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come and play its part in 
managing and guiding this mind. 

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This is the first aspect, but 
over the last few sessions we've

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been highlighting the positive 
aspect of the intellect, how it 

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strengthens our faith was the 
first aspect we covered. 

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Then the second aspect in last 
session was an objectivity. 

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Guides us to better decision 
making, keeps us economist 

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despite what's happening on the 
outside, prepares us for 

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challenges. 
But in this session, we learn 

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how the intellect is crucial for
relating. 

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Now, what does it mean to 
relate? 

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In the Bhagavad Gita, there's a 
whole chapter where it goes into

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the anatomy and the breakup of 
an action of a verb. 

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So in order to do any action, in
order to do any, to do a verb, 

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to do a thing, there are a few 
factors and I've chosen 3 for 

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today. 
And one of the factors is what 

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is the quality of the actor? 
What is the quality of the thing

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being acted upon? 
And then the technique of 

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acting. 
If a person wants to make a 

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beautiful pot, what is the 
quality of the Potter in order 

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to create the pot for which she 
needs or she needs the technique

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of pot making? 
The same thing with relating. 

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And this is the part where we 
take it for granted. 

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We take it for granted that 
relating living is something 

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that we are naturally endowed 
with, that automatically we're 

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gifted. 
But it requires skill, it 

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requires analysis, it definitely
requires intellect. 

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And if we spend the time to 
develop our intellect and the 

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skill of relating, each and 
everyone of our relationships 

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can improve dramatically. 
So before we continue, maybe 

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take a moment to think of a 
relationship that is not going 

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so well. 
A relationship that you would 

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like to refine, a relationship 
that you would like to overhaul,

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Maybe a relationship that you 
would like to resolve. 

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Perhaps it's a person, perhaps 
it's an object. 

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Which relationship would you 
like to improve on? 

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So keep that in mind. 
And as we go through some of the

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points today, let's see if we 
can take some life truth, some 

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intellectual perspective to 
improve the quality of that 

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relationship. 
In the beginning, when we talk 

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about the anatomy of relating, 
and I'll put it up as a diagram,

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relating comprises of two 
aspects. 

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The first is you, the subject. 
You are the subject in all of 

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your relationships. 
The other is the object, the 

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world. 
So in the diagram we've got the 

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subject and we've got the 
object, and depending on how the

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subject meets the object, so the
quality of our relating. 

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Now relating is just that. 
It's an activity. 

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It's a conscious, deliberate 
application. 

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Application of what? 
You could apply your mind or you

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could apply your intellect, but 
in order to improve the quality 

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of relating, we've got three 
things that we can work on. 

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The 1st is understanding the 
nature of the subject you and 

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we'll go into each aspect. 
The second is understanding the 

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nature of the object, the world,
the person, the object of the 

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relating. 
The third aspect is what is my 

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technique, What is my strategy? 
What is the way I'm going to 

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plan and execute relating, 
meeting the person, what is my 

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technique? 
And if all three there is 

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application and effort spent, 
you can definitely improve the 

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quality of the relationship. 
So we start with the first one. 

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Every human being you are 
made-up of. 

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What are the constituents of 
you? 

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Anyone. 
BMI, body, mind, intellect. 

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BMI, body, mind, intellect. 
That's it. 

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Anything else? 
Spirit and matter. 

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Spirit and matter. 
OK, So matter would include 

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body, mind, intellect, spirit. 
Great. 

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Anything else? 
Ego. 

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Ego, Yes, ego could be there. 
The one I'm going to go with for

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today is Vasanas. 
So when we look at the human 

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being, we are familiar with the 
body. 

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And in order to know oneself, we
need to understand how each of 

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our constituent parts work and 
we can relate at each of the 

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levels of the personality. 
So if we look at the outer layer

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of our personality, it's the 
body. 

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Socrates, he says to start 
philosophy, to start relating 

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know thyself, Aristotle, knowing
thyself is the beginning of all 

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wisdom. 
So we start with the body, the 

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body. 
It's your tool, it's your 

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vehicle. 
You can relate with the body, 

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but if you relate with the body,
we will be like animals. 

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So we'll move when it gets warm 
to cooler places. 

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When it gets too cold, we move 
to warmer places. 

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So we're constantly at the mercy
of how the body feels, the taste

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that we like, the taste that we 
don't like. 

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Now, what about the mind? 
You could relate at the level of

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the mind. 
The mind is where the emotions 

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are and if something irritates 
you, you want to move away, you 

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want to change it. 
If something causes you fear, 

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causes you anxiety, you want to 
escape, you want to avoid it. 

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We want to hide from it. 
And if something gives you 

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comfort, solace, naturally we're
inclined, we gravitate towards 

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it. 
So the mind has got a little bit

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more flexibility than the body. 
The body's absolutely at the 

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mercy of the elements, the mind 
a little bit more flexibility, 

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but when it comes to the 
Internet, the intellect has the 

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ability to adapt and that's 
where we have the edge over 

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animals. 
We can live in Iceland, we've 

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got human beings surviving in 
the Sahara. 

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You can be in shorts and T-shirt
in winter in Switzerland. 

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Incredible how? 
Because human beings have the 

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ability to meet the world with 
the intellect, to adapt. 

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Now this is where we go a little
bit deeper, and we spoke about 

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this some time ago, but as a 
refresher. 

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The quality of our body, the 
quality of our emotions and the 

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quality of our intellect. 
Why we think the way we think, 

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why we think what we think comes
from the seeds inherent in our 

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nature, our inherent nature. 
And the Sanskrit word for that 

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is called vasanas. 
Vasanas is a Sanskrit word and 

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it comes from the root vas, 
which means fragrance, perfume. 

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So it is the essence of you, it 
is the fragrance of you. 

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It's what you're made-up of. 
So each of us has our own 

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individual seeds called vasanas.
Now this is subtler than the 

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intellect, and that's why in the
diagram you're going within 

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deeper than the intellect, 
because it produces the quality 

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of the intellect, mind, body, 
and depending on the vasanas. 

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So your personality, if you've 
got music vasanas, you will find

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music in the way you think. 
You think in music, you see some

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of these great artists, they are
pitch perfect. 

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You play a note and they know 
they'll say C#. 

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How? 
How do they know that? 

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And they hear it in nature. 
Maybe a drop. 

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I said B flat. 
What skill? 

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But they think they feel in 
music and naturally they sing, 

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they play an instrument. 
They're drawn to music because 

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of their music vasanas. 
But just as you have Pitch 

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Perfect, you might have somebody
who's tone deaf, doesn't matter 

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what they hear, how many music 
lessons they go to, no music 

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talent whatsoever. 
Why no varsanas? 

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And depending on your varsanas, 
so your nature, and we find this

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is there from childhood. 
It is that which is inherent 

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from the time of birth. 
And no doubt we can work on 

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them, we can improve them, we 
can bring some down, we can 

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encourage others, but they're 
there. 

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Those seeds are there. 
That's a question of which ones 

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we neglect, which ones we 
promote. 

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But the vasanas are there from 
birth. 

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Now this is important to know 
because we can start assessing 

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and understanding ourselves. 
We're able to see our 

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limitations, we're able to see 
our weaknesses, we're able to 

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see our strengths. 
So when we talk about relating 

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to the world, you might have a 
beautiful strategy, you may 

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understand your opponent very 
well, but you haven't done any 

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self analysis. 
We don't know what we're capable

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of. 
We don't know our strength, we 

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don't know our capacity. 
So the relating or the meeting 

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the opponent is not 
commensurate. 

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And that's why understand our 
nature and go deeper X-ray 

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through past the body's senses 
and its preference, past the 

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minds likes and dislikes and 
desires to the intellect. 

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And the intellects got the 
flexibility, the intellects got 

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the ability to understand the 
vastness through expression, 

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through how we see it 
manifesting. 

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The intellect can understand it 
and then start harnessing the 

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strength, protecting the 
weakness, or strengthening the 

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weakness. 
If we understand ourselves 

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first, we go deeper. 
We start going from victim of 

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circumstance to master of 
circumstance. 

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We start changing a challenge 
into an opportunity. 

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There's a saying in the land of 
the blind, the one eyed king, 

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the one eyed person is king. 
In the land of the blind, the 

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one eyed person is king. 
And the idea is the person who's

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using the intellect, They've got
a superior edge over others 

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because they can assess, they 
can adapt, they can meet the 

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situation. 
But to have both eyes open is 

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when you go to the deepest level
of your personality. 

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It's when you know exactly who 
you are. 

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So when you're clear about what 
is your goal in life, what is 

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your role in life, what are your
values that you want to live by,

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life becomes simple. 
The choices you need to make, 

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the way you relate all filters 
down from that clarity. 

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I know what I want. 
I know the kind of person I want

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to be. 
I know the kind of person I am. 

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And when you have that clarity, 
you meet the world accordingly. 

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So you will know what you say 
yes to. 

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You will know what to encourage 
in others. 

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What you discourage you will be 
clear. 

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But the absolute clarity is when
you understand yourself 

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completely. 
And what is that state, anybody?

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State of consciousness. 
State of consciousness, OK. 

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Awakening. 
Awakening to what are we 

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awakening to? 
Self realization. 

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Self realization and sometimes 
we need to break up the words 

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because when we say the words 
together, self realization, 

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enlightenment, God realization, 
it loses its impact. 

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It's when you realize that who 
you essentially are is the Self,

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capital S, the spirit within, 
beyond the vasanas. 

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That's your true personality. 
The vasanas come and go. 

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The vasanas disappear. 
Hopefully we minimize them. 

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The body, mind, intellect, all 
change. 

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We are essentially the Self. 
Now. 

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If you know you are the Self, 
you are the Spirit. 

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If you understand, identify with
that. 

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Imagine the clarity. 
We become so clear of what our 

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priorities are. 
We become clear of what affects 

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us, what doesn't affect us. 
Met a gentleman last week and he

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was telling me how Vedanta 
helped him through a very 

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precarious surgery after 
surgery. 

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And he told me what was the 
thought that got him through it,

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that made him so peaceful 
throughout the whole process. 

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The thought was, it's just the 
body. 

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Wow. 
Can you imagine this part of the

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world? 
I'm in Geneva today and at our 

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headquarters, this is, in fact, 
where our international work 

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started. 
And this gentleman is saying 

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it's just the body. 
What a state, But you can only 

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have that kind of conviction. 
You can only have that kind of 

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non affectation if we understand
the essence of who we are is the

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self. 
He's not self realized yet, but 

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he's on the path to it. 
And even just being on the path 

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towards it gives you that 
immunity to some extent for what

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the body goes through. 
Now, this is about having that 

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clarity coming from first, 
knowing who you are. 

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So that's important so we can 
keep on working on refining our 

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00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:30,000
knowledge of ourselves. 
The second part is what are the 

231
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,800
people made-up of their own 
vasanas? 

232
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:42,280
Each person, each aspect of the 
world has their or its own 

233
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:46,120
nature vasanas. 
Just as we have our own vasanas,

234
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:50,320
we have our vasana for self 
development, for philosophy, we 

235
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,360
have vasanas for sport, for 
business. 

236
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,040
Other people also have their 
vasanas. 

237
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,320
But this is the part that we 
miss. 

238
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:09,240
Everybody has their own nature. 
Every aspect of the world has 

239
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:16,440
its own nature. 
The mistake we usually make we 

240
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:21,800
look for a part of the world or 
a person who has the exact 

241
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:26,880
nature as ours, the one that 
complements and meets the nature

242
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,000
that we have. 
But this is impossible. 

243
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:34,120
No person No2 persons can have 
the same mind. 

244
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:38,080
No2 same persons No2 persons can
have the same vastness. 

245
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,680
Each person is different, but 
what are we doing? 

246
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:47,200
We meet a person and what we try
to do is we try to convince them

247
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:51,440
to follow our nature. 
It's impossible. 

248
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,280
They have their own seeds, their
own nature, and you may try and 

249
00:18:55,280 --> 00:19:01,200
force it upon another. 
In the end it will rebel because

250
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:05,320
it's not their nature. 
And this is where the conflict 

251
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,080
comes in, from the simple 
understanding right at the 

252
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:14,200
beginning of expecting others to
function according to our 

253
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,840
nature. 
So this is where we move to the 

254
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:22,840
object, the world. 
We use our intellect to start X 

255
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:29,280
raying through and seeing what 
is the quality of could be the 

256
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:33,480
country, it could be that 
government, it could be that 

257
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,600
person. 
And when we start X raying 

258
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:41,080
through and we find the nature, 
the characteristics that make up

259
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:46,360
that country, that community, 
that person, that particular 

260
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:53,920
person could be a family member.
Then we become clear of what to 

261
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:59,040
expect from that person. 
So we become clear about our 

262
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,920
nature, but now we have to be 
clear about the other person's 

263
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:06,600
nature. 
Then what about the technique? 

264
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,560
Where does the technique come 
in? 

265
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,680
We can relate to another 
person's nature. 

266
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:22,400
And this is where I ask you, in 
relationships today, what are 

267
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:28,680
people looking for? 
Like if you ask a Gen. 

268
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,320
Z what kind of relationship are 
you looking for? 

269
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,120
Who do you want as a partner? 
What will they say? 

270
00:20:43,690 --> 00:20:46,250
Someone that caters to their 
likes and. 

271
00:20:47,770 --> 00:20:49,810
Someone who caters to their 
likes, yes. 

272
00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:55,410
Someone who will give them 
freedom, no expectation. 

273
00:20:56,010 --> 00:21:01,730
Freedom. 
Is mostly and no commitments if 

274
00:21:01,730 --> 00:21:04,730
I need you to come, and if I 
don't need you, you don't go. 

275
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:09,000
Something like. 
That this is this, this sounds 

276
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:14,560
like the, this sounds like, you 
know, and this is what we're 

277
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:18,680
seeing in relationships. 
It sounds like we expect this 

278
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,960
from every person that we meet. 
We expect this from parents, we 

279
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:26,600
expect this from partners. 
We want all the plus side of it 

280
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:31,280
without any of the 
entanglements, without any 

281
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:34,520
maintenance. 
Impossible. 

282
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:42,840
And that is why when we find 
people relating, you don't find 

283
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,320
long term relationships 
happening. 

284
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,800
It's becoming fewer and fewer. 
If I meet a couple that's been 

285
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:53,680
married for 25 years, 30 years, 
I say congratulations. 

286
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:59,120
It's inspiring because it takes 
so much of understanding to make

287
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:03,840
a relationship work, and it 
takes so much of unselfishness 

288
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,840
as well. 
Do you understand the other side

289
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,920
that comes with a person meeting
the things that you want? 

290
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:16,000
We find, and this has been 
throughout, not just this 

291
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,880
generation, everybody's looking 
for compatibility. 

292
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:24,760
Is this person compatible? 
Is this person right for me? 

293
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,200
Is this person going to meet all
my desires? 

294
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:34,880
And nowhere do we ask the 
question, am I right for them? 

295
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,880
Because naturally they're 
getting into relationship for 

296
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,680
their needs as well. 
So we don't look at it from the 

297
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,480
other person's perspective. 
We don't look at it as what they

298
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,840
want. 
We're only looking at it from 

299
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:50,080
our perspective. 
But it's not about 

300
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:56,440
compatibility. 
Compatibility is not a guarantee

301
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,240
that the relationship is going 
to work. 

302
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:04,080
Leo Tolstoy, he says what counts
in making a happy marriage work 

303
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:11,800
is not so much how compatible 
you are, but how you deal with 

304
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:17,000
incompatibility. 
You can meet a person who's 90% 

305
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:22,000
compatible with you perfect. 
But naturally, because every 

306
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,880
person is different, there's a 
10% variation. 

307
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:29,880
And in that 10% we're not able 
to deal with the incompatibility

308
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:35,720
and we complain, we make a drama
and we ruin the relationship. 

309
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:42,200
So it's not about how compatible
you are, because in the areas 

310
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,440
that you're compatible, there is
no effort. 

311
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:48,320
The effort in relating is 
dealing with the areas of 

312
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,080
difference, dealing with 
incompatibility. 

313
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:57,000
And here's the thing, you can 
disagree, but it does not have 

314
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,960
to lead to a confrontation and 
argument. 

315
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:04,080
And perhaps in society we have 
lost the art of debate. 

316
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,800
We've lost the art of discourse 
and discussion where we can 

317
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:11,680
present a point of view without 
getting riled up. 

318
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,440
But to listen and to hear the 
other person's point of view, 

319
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:24,080
when does it become an argument?
A confrontation is when we try 

320
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:28,040
to impose our view on the other 
person or vice versa. 

321
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:33,800
But to hear another person's 
point of view could be 

322
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:41,000
educational, enlightening, give 
a fuller picture, add to 

323
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:46,760
context. 
Now when it comes to animals, we

324
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:53,760
have no problem. 
We see the nature of animals 

325
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:59,480
clearly and because we have 
understood the vasanas of a 

326
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:05,800
particular animal, our behaviour
is appropriate. 

327
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,400
We meet the animal according to 
its nature. 

328
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:15,000
I'll give you an example. 
How would you meet a puppy? 

329
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:22,760
If you have a golden retriever 
and you've got puppies, how 

330
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:26,080
would you relate to them? 
How would you meet them? 

331
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:32,680
Smita, how would you take care 
of these puppies? 

332
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:44,080
A lot of love A. 
Lot of love, so you give a a lot

333
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:47,880
of affection. 
They want to be with you always.

334
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:54,600
I have experience of being in 
Kenya with these golden 

335
00:25:55,360 --> 00:26:01,720
retriever puppies and they just 
come and they even if I'm 

336
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,960
studying or working at the 
computer, they come and they 

337
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,240
just be by my feet. 
So how do you relate to them? 

338
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:12,040
You can pick them up, you can 
give them affection, you can 

339
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,800
cuddle them, but how would you 
relate to a tiger? 

340
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,800
Distance. 
Distant. 

341
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,960
You can admire the tiger, you 
can appreciate the tiger. 

342
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:29,200
Any of you who have seen tigers 
in the wild, so majestic, so 

343
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:34,400
magnificent, you appreciate it, 
but you would not go near the 

344
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:40,840
tiger and say here, Kitty, 
Kitty, Kitty, come here and you 

345
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,720
will not hold the tiger. 
Otherwise you'll come back with 

346
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,200
a few limbs missing. 
Why? 

347
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:51,480
Because you understand the tiger
knows what is fresh meat and 

348
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:54,640
because you have a clear 
assessment of the tiger, you 

349
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,960
know exactly how to behave to 
the tiger, you know how to 

350
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,360
behave to the puppy, you know 
how to behave to the porcupine, 

351
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:08,360
Just prickly, can't touch it. 
You know how to behave to a 

352
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,480
lamb. 
So with animals, we're very 

353
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,880
clear on what our behaviour 
should be. 

354
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:18,800
Because animals have collective 
vastness, they fit a particular 

355
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,840
mold, and because the mold is 
consistent, we know what to 

356
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:27,760
expect and our behaviour is 
according to our understanding 

357
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:35,800
of that species of that breed. 
But with human beings, we get 

358
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:41,360
into all sorts of messes. 
And the reason is because we 

359
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:46,440
don't assess each human being 
uniquely. 

360
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:49,720
With human beings, here's the 
challenge. 

361
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,120
We don't have a collective 
vastness. 

362
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:54,000
It's not all human beings of the
same. 

363
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:59,720
Sometimes you can. 
For instance, if you are in this

364
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:08,240
part of the world, Swiss German,
if you say we are leaving at 

365
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:16,880
313, your host, your train, your
plane will leave at 3:13. 

366
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:22,640
If you say this, perhaps further
E you go. 

367
00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:27,400
India has improved a great deal.
But at some point, if you were 

368
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:36,840
to say 3:30, it is more of an 
approximation of AM or PM 

369
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,960
afternoon. 
Is it before tea time or after 

370
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,840
tea time? 
And this is something that amaze

371
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:45,600
me. 
Everything is often with 

372
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,160
reference to food. 
Is it before lunch or after 

373
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:52,760
lunch? 
And it's a, it's a, it's a 

374
00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:58,560
flexible figure and this is it. 
So, So yes, you could generalize

375
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:04,760
in a way, but if you want to get
the relationship perfect, assess

376
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:09,320
the person in front of you, know
the person in front of you, so 

377
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,640
you can align your expectations 
accordingly. 

378
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:16,000
But now with human beings, you 
could have one person that's a 

379
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:17,880
tiger. 
Now you're going and you're 

380
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,920
embracing the tiger and you're 
getting hurt, you're getting 

381
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,480
mauled. 
You don't blame the person. 

382
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:25,280
You've got to blame your 
assessment. 

383
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,240
What are you doing hugging a 
tiger? 

384
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:29,480
There are tigers among human 
beings. 

385
00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:31,840
There are puppies among human 
beings. 

386
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:35,560
Give them your affection. 
There are snakes among human 

387
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:39,360
beings. 
Watch out, they bite. 

388
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:43,440
There are chameleons. 
You see one colour, you see 

389
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:47,680
another colour. 
But because we do not assess 

390
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:54,000
human beings uniquely based on 
their particular nature, we are 

391
00:29:54,000 --> 00:30:01,800
getting hurt, disappointed, 
rejected, betrayed. 

392
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:08,200
Whose fault is it? 
It is not the other person 

393
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:11,040
because they're acting according
to their nature, just as you're 

394
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:15,000
acting according to your nature.
It is our fault for not 

395
00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,840
understanding the other person's
nature. 

396
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:25,120
But Sudhakar, I trusted him. 
Why did you give your trust to 

397
00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:33,640
an untrustworthy person? 
But you've got to, no, you do 

398
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:37,320
not have to trust. 
If you are going to trust, trust

399
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:42,480
a person who is trustworthy. 
Or is there a way that you can 

400
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:46,240
trust where you don't need the 
trust in the sense you have a 

401
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:52,960
system, you have protocols. 
So for instance, our passports, 

402
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:59,400
when we travel, the little bit 
of finances that we have for our

403
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:05,120
travels, it does not matter 
where we are, who we're staying 

404
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:14,080
with, we always keep it locked. 
Now can you say, oh, I left it 

405
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:18,600
out on the table and then you go
complaining to the hotel 

406
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:24,520
housekeeping. 
I think housekeeping took my 

407
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:29,120
wallet, my phone. 
Do not give the room for that. 

408
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:31,080
So it's not a question of trust 
or don't trust. 

409
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:33,960
You don't put anybody in the 
position where you need to. 

410
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,360
You have not met the person you 
don't know. 

411
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:43,000
So what you do there is by 
putting yourself in a position 

412
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:47,280
where you don't need to be at 
the mercy of another person's 

413
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:50,560
nature. 
But this requires thinking. 

414
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,200
This requires analysis. 
Exactly. 

415
00:31:54,360 --> 00:32:02,000
We do this with the weather. 
If you come to India in June, 

416
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:06,120
July, August, and you're saying 
Northern Hemisphere, we're 

417
00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:07,800
looking forward to a beautiful 
summer. 

418
00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:11,720
I come to India and you come 
there with all your enthusiasm, 

419
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:15,000
say, oh, I'm going to see 
Rishikesh and I'm going to visit

420
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:18,000
you Sadaka at Vedanta Academy. 
I say yes, please come. 

421
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:24,600
And then you come there and it's
raining, you've not brought an 

422
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,920
umbrella, you've not brought 
gumboots and every day it's 

423
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:29,760
raining. 
And you coming out every day and

424
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:37,840
saying what is this summer in 
India in July, August, it will 

425
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,520
rain and rain because it is 
monsoon. 

426
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:44,080
Different parts of India, 
different intensity of monsoon. 

427
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:48,440
So we assess the weather, we 
pack accordingly. 

428
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:53,080
If you go expecting sunshine 
because it's summer, you will be

429
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,800
disappointed. 
But the disappointment is on you

430
00:32:56,520 --> 00:33:01,360
for not understanding the 
weather of India at that time. 

431
00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:06,120
No doubt there may be some 
bizarre fluctuations. 

432
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,440
Absolute sunshine for a couple 
of days. 

433
00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:11,880
It happens. 
But it's an exception. 

434
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:15,320
The same thing you might have a 
tiger that does not bother you, 

435
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:20,040
that just moves past you. 
It's a rare exception. 

436
00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:25,920
Nature is consistent. 
So what is our role? 

437
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,800
Our role is to start using the 
technique of relating. 

438
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:34,760
And what we do when we relate is
we relate with the mind. 

439
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:44,760
So if we look at the body, mind,
intellect diagram, the mind sees

440
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:49,640
people, situations, objects and 
persons through its likes and 

441
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:54,000
dislikes. 
So it doesn't see the person for

442
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:58,520
who they are, for their nature. 
It sees what they would like to 

443
00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:01,080
see. 
And we do this particularly with

444
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:06,200
our loved ones. 
It's like we reserve the worst 

445
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:10,400
treatment and expectations of 
wanting a person to be something

446
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,920
different from who they are for 
those we love the most. 

447
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:18,639
And we say what? 
I would like the person to be 

448
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:20,840
like that. 
I would like my partner to be 

449
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:23,360
more understanding. 
I would like my son to take up 

450
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,840
Vedanta, you say, But isn't it a
good like? 

451
00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:30,320
Isn't it a healthy like? 
It's not a healthy like? 

452
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:35,000
If they are not interested, 
you're turning them away from 

453
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:39,440
the subject. 
So what is the way to relate? 

454
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:47,679
The way to relate to a person is
to understand their nature based

455
00:34:47,679 --> 00:34:50,639
on what you've observed, based 
on the data. 

456
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:52,280
And that's what the intellect 
does. 

457
00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:55,199
The intellect looks, and this is
the objectivity. 

458
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,920
The intellect looks at the 
qualities of the person, the 

459
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:02,760
nature of the person. 
Aggressive person, vicious 

460
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:04,120
person. 
OK Tiger. 

461
00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:07,080
All right, then how should I 
relate? 

462
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:14,200
So instead of seeing the person 
as we would like them to be, we 

463
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:20,400
start seeing them as they are. 
And the exercise to bring and 

464
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:24,920
develop this intellect or use it
in our relationships is called 

465
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:32,240
assessment. 
And the suggestion is for 

466
00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:36,600
relating, and it could be 
different objects, but let's use

467
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,000
people for now. 
It could be the government, it 

468
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:42,720
could be the business, the 
market that you're in, whatever 

469
00:35:42,720 --> 00:35:46,040
you'd like to relate better 
with, choose it. 

470
00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:51,360
Let's take a person for now. 
And I would recommend doing this

471
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:56,920
for the key people that you 
interact with in day-to-day 

472
00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:00,600
life. 
So it could be your partner, it 

473
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:04,240
could be your your each of your 
children, because each child 

474
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:08,440
needs a different strategy, 
needs a different relationship, 

475
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:12,280
but also each employee, each 
business partner. 

476
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:17,400
So the people that you are in 
close proximity with, perhaps do

477
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:20,520
it on in a notebook, pen and 
paper. 

478
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:28,280
And for each person, do a chart.
So it could be your partner, all

479
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,080
right. 
So put your partner's name on 

480
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:36,000
the top and on the left hand 
side, put down all the observed 

481
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:39,560
qualities of your partner. 
Now here's the thing. 

482
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:43,760
We have the data of our partner.
We have more than enough 

483
00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:46,600
information about them. 
You're married for five years, 

484
00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:48,800
10 years. 
Even if it's one year, you have 

485
00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:52,000
too much data on your partner. 
The problem is not the lack of 

486
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:56,000
data, it is lack of assessment 
of the data. 

487
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:04,840
And on the right hand side going
respectively to each observed 

488
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:09,320
quality, put down. 
What is your relating strategy 

489
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:12,440
for that quality? 
So you would put my partner. 

490
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:17,600
My partner is an excellent 
organizer relating strategy. 

491
00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:22,720
Let's see if we can get it to do
more or him to get it to do more

492
00:37:22,720 --> 00:37:25,840
of the planning for certain 
aspects of the family. 

493
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:38,920
My partner is an excellent chef.
My partner is very short fuse 

494
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,800
just like that explodes 
explosive personality. 

495
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,600
OK. 
And then so you're putting down 

496
00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:48,000
all these different 
characteristics. 

497
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,760
You could put my partner is 
punctual, my partner is not 

498
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:52,560
punctual. 
In fact, all the time the 

499
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,160
partner is late by 30 minutes. 
Now when you put down all these 

500
00:37:56,160 --> 00:38:01,880
observed qualities, and I'll 
give you an example here, the 

501
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:08,320
idea of this list is not to 
judge the other person. 

502
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:12,320
And please do not show your 
partner this list or your child.

503
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:16,200
You will be in some real trouble
if you show them because say, 

504
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:17,840
oh, this is what you think of 
me. 

505
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:21,000
Yes. 
But no, do not show them because

506
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,520
the idea is not to criticize 
them, not to put them on a spot,

507
00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:27,960
but it's for you to help 
understand them better. 

508
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,400
And by writing it, it makes it 
clear. 

509
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,680
It makes you able to accept what
is there. 

510
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:38,600
So OK, and I'll show you a chart
here where we've got all the 

511
00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:42,480
different observed qualities. 
Now, what will my relating 

512
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:46,480
strategy be? 
So for example, if my partner is

513
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:50,600
kind, caring, if that is the 
partner's nature, what will my 

514
00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:53,880
relating strategy be? 
I've got to show kindness. 

515
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:57,400
I've got to be appreciative. 
I've got to be open to the care.

516
00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:03,080
If the partner is calm, I can I 
can trust the person. 

517
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:06,360
I can be patient with them. 
If the person is honest, direct,

518
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,000
then I've also from my side. 
I've got to be clear and direct 

519
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,120
when I communicate with them. 
If the person is disciplined, 

520
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:15,720
I've got to be structured in the
way I interact with them. 

521
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:20,280
Same thing. 
If the person is not punctual, 

522
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:24,360
I've got to keep a buffer for 
their lack of punctuality. 

523
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:25,680
I've got to keep a little extra 
time. 

524
00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:29,800
So if I tell them 6:00 PM and 
they're usually half an hour 

525
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:35,200
late, then maybe I need to 
change that and tell them 5:30 

526
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:38,960
PM. 
And then when your partner comes

527
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:43,160
at 6:00 PM, instead of arguing, 
shouting, why you late, I told 

528
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:46,120
you this. 
I sent you a message because 

529
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:51,040
you've understood the partner. 
You knew exactly how to relate. 

530
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,480
But after some time, your 
partner starts catching on. 

531
00:39:56,400 --> 00:40:00,240
You always tell me half an hour 
earlier than we need to go. 

532
00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:04,480
I'm not going to do it anymore. 
I know. 

533
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:11,600
So what do you do then? 
Tell them one hour before like 

534
00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:15,520
that you can play with it. 
Or if you know that you are 

535
00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,880
going to leave at a particular 
time, inform the people that 

536
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,080
you're meeting. 
Look, we're probably going to be

537
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:24,280
half an hour late. 
And just that preparation 

538
00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:26,160
changes the nature of the 
situation. 

539
00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:30,080
People in corporate, they 
complain about dealing with 

540
00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:33,040
egoistic people in the corporate
workplace. 

541
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:37,440
But if we assess that a person 
is egoistic, they are the 

542
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:41,840
easiest people to relate to. 
How do you relate with egoistic 

543
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:48,520
people? 
Flatter them, give them credit, 

544
00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:55,320
and they're your best friend. 
You get the work done how? 

545
00:40:55,760 --> 00:41:01,280
Just by understanding their 
language, what they need in 

546
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:03,480
order to understand, in order to
relate. 

547
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:07,760
Now, if you are talking logic to
an emotional person, they're not

548
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:11,080
going to go with you. 
And if you are talking emotion 

549
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:13,320
to a logical person, they're not
going to go with you. 

550
00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:19,080
We've got to see the other 
person's nature and meet them 

551
00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:21,120
accordingly. 
That's the language. 

552
00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:32,520
Does this mean we accept all 
sorts of behavior, all sorts of 

553
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:38,600
nature? 
Look, if you can change another 

554
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:42,120
person's nature, if you can 
change the nature of an object, 

555
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:45,800
the nature of a situation that 
you're in, by all means change 

556
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:51,560
it. 
But what cannot be changed, what

557
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:57,720
cannot be cured must be endured.
But it doesn't have to be a 

558
00:41:57,720 --> 00:41:59,880
heavy endurance. 
It does not have to be 

559
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:02,880
tolerating. 
Oh my goodness, again, this 

560
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:08,360
person. 
It is an accepting that people's

561
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:12,200
natures are different. 
And in that accepting what you 

562
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:15,200
cannot change, there can be 
serenity. 

563
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:23,040
Reynold Niebor, he writes the 
Serenity Prayer and in that he 

564
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:30,480
says, God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot 

565
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:35,800
change, courage to change the 
things I can, and the wisdom to 

566
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:38,920
know the difference. 
And this is it. 

567
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:41,480
So what we can change, by all 
means change. 

568
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,600
But now if you are trying to 
change your partner for the last

569
00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:51,160
15 years, perhaps we need to 
change ourselves and change our 

570
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:55,080
expectations of that person. 
Nature takes a long time to 

571
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,440
change. 
It doesn't change in 90°. 

572
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:02,120
It doesn't change overnight. 
The idea of vasenas is it 

573
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,480
requires so much of effort to 
change. 

574
00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:08,960
And here's the thing, you cannot
change another person's vasenas.

575
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:13,200
They have to change when they're
ready if they want to change. 

576
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:19,040
So instead of keep on trying to 
change the world and move the 

577
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:24,320
world and change things around, 
it might be easier to change 

578
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:28,800
ourselves and change our 
technique and how we meet the 

579
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:32,240
world in front of us instead of 
meeting it as we would like it 

580
00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:34,600
to be. 
Except it's nature. 

581
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:41,360
And then adapt. 
And you might even enjoy the 

582
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:46,520
rain. 
Put an umbrella, in fact, where 

583
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:50,920
the Vedanta Academy is, it's a 
steady monsoon. 

584
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:54,840
It rains and rains, but it's 
actually a beautiful time to 

585
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:57,280
visit. 
It's green and there are 

586
00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,760
waterfalls. 
And because we're away from the 

587
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:03,320
city, the the rain is warm and 
clean. 

588
00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:07,520
That's beautiful. 
So people actually come during 

589
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:10,760
that time to that region to 
enjoy the beauty of that 

590
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:18,080
rainforest kind of atmosphere, 
cloudy but mystical ambience. 

591
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:21,560
So you can even enjoy it. 
And there's an example that 

592
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:26,800
Swamiji gives in the book The 
Fall of the Human Intellect, 

593
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:29,360
which these lectures are based 
on these series. 

594
00:44:30,320 --> 00:44:35,320
And in the series and this 
section, he talks about his 

595
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:37,920
story. 
And this was when the author 

596
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:42,800
Swamiji in 1939. 
So at 12 years old and remember 

597
00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:47,920
remembers it so vividly that 
it's in print and I'm sharing 

598
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:49,960
with it, sharing it with you 
today. 

599
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:59,800
It says in 1939, it's a blazing 
summer's day, 44°C in Chennai. 

600
00:45:00,720 --> 00:45:07,400
And there's a group of boys in a
classroom, including Swamiji, 

601
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:09,920
and all of them fanning 
themselves. 

602
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:13,520
And they're so hot, hot, the 
clothes are sticking to them, so

603
00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:15,760
hot, so uncomfortable, so 
uncomfortable. 

604
00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:20,440
And the teacher comes in and he 
sees all the boys in so much of 

605
00:45:20,440 --> 00:45:23,440
discomfort and just fanning 
themselves. 

606
00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:28,520
And he sees this sight and he 
calls the boys and they go 

607
00:45:28,720 --> 00:45:33,920
outside the classroom into the 
open quadrangle and there is no 

608
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:40,280
roof. 
It is blazing sunshine, 44°C, 

609
00:45:41,080 --> 00:45:44,400
and all the boys are wondering 
what is this teacher doing? 

610
00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:46,080
Why? 
Why has it brought us into the 

611
00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:47,720
open quadrangle? 
It's so hot here. 

612
00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:54,400
And the teacher starts a message
that the author remembers, which

613
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:58,840
I'm sharing with you today. 
He says, boys, isn't this a 

614
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:04,840
beautiful summer's day? 
And all of them thought this 

615
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:10,520
teacher has lost it, Maybe 
sunstroke, the heat has finally 

616
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:17,120
got into this guy. 
But the author took note because

617
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,320
what he said then made such an 
impact in his life. 

618
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:24,280
He said the beauty of summer is 
its heat. 

619
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:28,800
The beauty of wind, of winter is
its biting cold. 

620
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:33,120
The beauty of autumn is the 
changing leaves depending on 

621
00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:34,320
which part of the world you're 
in. 

622
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:38,400
The beauty of spring is this 
effervescence of life. 

623
00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:46,360
The beauty of anything is its 
nature, and this is it. 

624
00:46:48,560 --> 00:46:51,440
But we want the winter to be 
warm. 

625
00:46:51,640 --> 00:46:55,880
We want the summer to be cool. 
We want to change the nature of 

626
00:46:55,880 --> 00:47:00,160
something to something it isn't,
instead of accepting maybe the 

627
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:02,800
beauty of that thing is the 
thing. 

628
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,480
The beauty of sugar is its 
sweetness. 

629
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:11,440
The beauty of salt is its 
saltiness. 

630
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:17,240
But can't you get a sweet sugar,
a sweet salt, a salty sugar? 

631
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:20,040
The beauty of anything is its 
nature. 

632
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:23,120
But a fair person wants to be 
tanned. 

633
00:47:23,640 --> 00:47:29,840
A dark person wants to be fair. 
Why are we trying to change the 

634
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:34,400
nature of things? 
We were having lunch in Zurich 

635
00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:40,200
with our host and he had spent 
some time in Spain, so he had a 

636
00:47:40,200 --> 00:47:45,960
nice tan complexion. 
And the waitress says oh, oh, 

637
00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:50,920
Swiss lady, oh, you have a nice 
tan, oh, lovely complexion. 

638
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:54,160
And he says, but what about my 
friends there? 

639
00:47:54,760 --> 00:47:57,480
And she says, no, they are 
naturally like that. 

640
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:03,280
Naturally they are perfect. 
So she was saying, and this is 

641
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:06,080
it. 
It's like the beauty of anything

642
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:10,720
is what you have. 
But how is it that our mind 

643
00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:13,160
makes us want the thing that it 
doesn't have? 

644
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:18,320
The beauty of winter is the 
cold. 

645
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:22,520
The beauty of summer is its heat
and if you can go a little bit 

646
00:48:22,520 --> 00:48:29,360
deeper than that to even think. 
The beauty of my partner is 

647
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:33,280
their nagging nature. 
How beautifully they nag and 

648
00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:36,440
they persevere. 
They don't give up real shut the

649
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:40,520
they go to the end of it The 
beauty of anything is its 

650
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:49,590
nature. 
If you wake up in the morning 

651
00:48:51,670 --> 00:48:57,840
and you expect your partner to 
come running along and say, oh 

652
00:48:58,240 --> 00:49:03,240
darling, so glad you woke up, 
here is your cup of tea, you 

653
00:49:03,240 --> 00:49:06,320
must understand that is not your
partner. 

654
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:11,720
You are in the wrong house. 
And if you wake up in the 

655
00:49:11,720 --> 00:49:17,560
morning and if you ask for a cup
of tea and your partner says am 

656
00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:19,760
I your servant? 
Go and get your tea yourself. 

657
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:24,160
Then you understand this is my 
partner. 

658
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:31,640
I am in the right house. 
Assessment is the key and all it

659
00:49:31,640 --> 00:49:36,760
is is seeing things as they are.
So if you have a look in this 

660
00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:42,160
diagram, you see that if you 
have a lack of assessment or a 

661
00:49:42,160 --> 00:49:48,160
wrong assessment, you expect an 
unpunctual person to be 

662
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:50,440
punctual. 
You have an unreasonable 

663
00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:53,040
expectation. 
Why is it unreasonable? 

664
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:55,640
Because the person is not 
capable. 

665
00:49:55,640 --> 00:49:56,960
They don't have the nature for 
it. 

666
00:49:57,080 --> 00:50:00,440
They have an unpunctual nature. 
They will need a lot of support,

667
00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:03,960
reminders to be punctual. 
You're expecting a tiger to be a

668
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:06,960
puppy. 
It's not possible. 

669
00:50:07,600 --> 00:50:11,000
And therefore we are 
disappointed, stressed, but now 

670
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,480
work backwards. 
And this is the art of relating.

671
00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:16,360
If you have a negative 
interaction with someone, a 

672
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:20,440
stressful situation, instead of 
trying to correct them, instead 

673
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:23,040
of trying to change that, 
instead of deflecting and 

674
00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:26,600
blaming the other person, let us
look within with our intellect 

675
00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:30,880
and see what was my unreasonable
expectation. 

676
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:37,600
Ah, I expected this person to be
receptive to my feedback. 

677
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:43,360
Wrong assessment. 
They are egoistic, they will not

678
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:45,720
want feedback from me. 
So what do I need to do? 

679
00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:50,560
Change my assessment? 
This person's egoistic, they 

680
00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:53,840
would not like feedback. 
No problem. 

681
00:50:56,360 --> 00:51:00,240
If your assessment is perfect, 
your expectation is the right 

682
00:51:00,240 --> 00:51:04,000
expectation. 
No disappointment, no stress. 

683
00:51:04,640 --> 00:51:10,040
So straight away today, if we do
this useful exercise of 

684
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:16,640
assessment, we can have better 
relationships and we can do it 

685
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:19,240
with everything. 
We can do it with the nature of 

686
00:51:19,240 --> 00:51:23,320
business in a country, we can do
it with the stock market, we can

687
00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:29,120
do it with the weather, but most
importantly, we should also do 

688
00:51:29,120 --> 00:51:33,720
it with ourselves. 
Assess yourself. 

689
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:39,800
Otherwise we become judge 
mental, we become critical, we 

690
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:44,480
become impatient. 
This is where I am and no doubt 

691
00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:46,920
Vedanta gives us an idea of 
where I could be. 

692
00:51:48,160 --> 00:51:51,160
It's going to take some time. 
Assess yourself. 

693
00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:56,040
I'm a work in progress. 
This is where I am, so I'll 

694
00:51:56,160 --> 00:51:59,520
accept it. 
And when there is acceptance, 

695
00:51:59,880 --> 00:52:05,240
then you can adapt and use your 
nature to go step by step. 

696
00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:10,480
So the same principles for 
others apply to ourselves. 

697
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:16,880
The art of relating is knowing 
yourself, knowing the object of 

698
00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:23,200
relating, and constantly as we 
relate, look at the nature of 

699
00:52:23,200 --> 00:52:27,760
the object rather than seeing 
them as we would like it to be. 

700
00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:35,200
You see your son as he is, not 
the version in your head, not 

701
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:37,720
the ideal version that you would
like the sun to be. 

702
00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:42,840
Then there is connection. 
Then there is communication. 

703
00:52:43,320 --> 00:52:49,560
That is the art of relating. 
And now we open it to your 

704
00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:53,720
questions. 
We will take up the submitted 

705
00:52:53,720 --> 00:52:59,440
questions. 
The first question is, how is 

706
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:05,120
making an effort to relate to 
people different from letting 

707
00:53:05,120 --> 00:53:17,810
people treat you badly? 
So when you decide to let people

708
00:53:17,810 --> 00:53:26,890
treat you badly, it is because 
we have not set the boundary, we

709
00:53:26,890 --> 00:53:31,600
have not made it clear in the 
way we react, in the way we 

710
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:35,520
interact, that we will not be 
spoken to in that particular 

711
00:53:35,520 --> 00:53:37,800
tone, We will not be open to 
that. 

712
00:53:39,200 --> 00:53:42,840
So in our reaction to the 
person, if we're going to convey

713
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:47,560
that that behaviour is not on, 
we've got to come up with a 

714
00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:52,440
relating strategy. 
So if a person raises their 

715
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:58,080
voice at you, so the relating 
strategy, what should that be? 

716
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:01,880
Now, if we keep quiet, the 
person keeps raising their voice

717
00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:06,920
with you because for them they 
understand that they can do it. 

718
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:10,440
So then you think, OK, let let 
me raise my voice. 

719
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:14,840
And then it becomes an argument.
It escalates now and then it 

720
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:17,680
could be a strategy where you 
could decide, OK, let me 

721
00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:19,640
surprise them and raise my 
voice. 

722
00:54:20,240 --> 00:54:22,240
And they get surprised, they get
they go into shock. 

723
00:54:24,120 --> 00:54:27,440
But I wouldn't suggest that 
perhaps, and it's depending on 

724
00:54:27,440 --> 00:54:30,080
the nature of the person, so we 
don't have specifics to go by. 

725
00:54:30,080 --> 00:54:36,200
So I'm giving the general idea. 
It could be when the person 

726
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:43,640
starts raising the voice. 
Shut off, shut down, intense. 

727
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:49,680
Sorry, I cannot communicate at 
this volume, so please excuse 

728
00:54:49,680 --> 00:54:53,560
me. 
You're not confronting the other

729
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:55,720
person. 
You're not telling the person to

730
00:54:55,720 --> 00:54:58,440
change their behavior. 
You're not criticizing the other

731
00:54:58,440 --> 00:55:01,240
person. 
I'm not comfortable with this. 

732
00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:06,120
Excuse me. 
What it does is it forces the 

733
00:55:06,120 --> 00:55:08,400
other person to start assessing 
you. 

734
00:55:09,280 --> 00:55:13,320
I cannot speak to the person 
that way if I want to have a 

735
00:55:13,320 --> 00:55:19,840
conversation with him. 
The simplest thing is if you do 

736
00:55:19,840 --> 00:55:23,440
not want to relate to a person 
who treats you badly, you don't 

737
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:26,040
have to relate. 
But then are we going to cut off

738
00:55:26,120 --> 00:55:31,320
everybody in our lives? 
So we take those aspects when a 

739
00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:37,040
person becomes emotional, when a
person gets upset, and we ensure

740
00:55:37,040 --> 00:55:42,920
that we are ready for it and 
know how to behave in that 

741
00:55:42,920 --> 00:55:45,840
situation so that we do not get 
that treatment. 

742
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:50,520
In every relationship. 
We've got to set the minimum and

743
00:55:50,520 --> 00:55:55,560
the maximum what we can live 
with and what is just not worth 

744
00:55:55,800 --> 00:56:00,440
the effort in relating. 
And when we are clear about 

745
00:56:00,440 --> 00:56:05,400
that, we're able to adjust and 
meet the person accordingly. 

746
00:56:06,720 --> 00:56:09,040
So you understand a person is 
being very emotional. 

747
00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:13,880
So you're giving some leeway. 
You've understood the emotion is

748
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:17,000
taking over, but you also 
understand when the emotion is 

749
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:18,680
coming. 
I know how the person's going to

750
00:56:18,680 --> 00:56:20,800
behave. 
This is the time to move away. 

751
00:56:21,960 --> 00:56:25,320
Give the person the space for 
the emotion to calm down. 

752
00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:30,400
So you're also knowing how to 
adapt and assess the situation. 

753
00:56:31,080 --> 00:56:33,800
And with these small 
adjustments, you don't have to 

754
00:56:33,800 --> 00:56:37,760
abandon the relationship because
you get so many positive aspects

755
00:56:37,760 --> 00:56:41,720
of it. 
And this is the thing for the 

756
00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:47,280
every negative or dislike 
behavior that we experience 

757
00:56:47,600 --> 00:56:50,920
doesn't mean we need to remove 
the relationship. 

758
00:56:51,960 --> 00:56:55,200
And this is where we can with 
intelligent assessment and 

759
00:56:55,200 --> 00:56:58,600
adaptation, we can change the 
quality of the relationship. 

760
00:56:59,600 --> 00:57:02,280
I'll give an example. 
One lady, she was complaining 

761
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:08,560
that her husband every time he 
asked for opinion, if he gives 2

762
00:57:08,560 --> 00:57:13,520
choices darling what should we 
get for the kitchen A or B? 

763
00:57:13,960 --> 00:57:16,280
She says oh darling I would love
to get A. 

764
00:57:17,160 --> 00:57:22,320
He says OK great we'll get B. 
The next day he comes and he 

765
00:57:22,320 --> 00:57:26,640
says where do you think we 
should go for vacation A or B? 

766
00:57:29,040 --> 00:57:32,640
This time she says B. 
He says great we'll go for A. 

767
00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:36,440
How can I live with this person?
They are disrespecting my 

768
00:57:36,440 --> 00:57:38,520
decision. 
Everything I say, they do the 

769
00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:42,800
opposite. 
Simple assessment, adaptation. 

770
00:57:43,240 --> 00:57:46,000
Anything your partner presents 
to you, they will do the 

771
00:57:46,000 --> 00:57:49,200
opposite. 
So if you want what you want, 

772
00:57:49,360 --> 00:57:51,080
you tell them the opposite of 
what you want. 

773
00:57:51,640 --> 00:58:01,290
No problems thereafter. 
Next question. 

774
00:58:02,730 --> 00:58:07,970
The second question is how is 
assessing and relating different

775
00:58:08,050 --> 00:58:17,480
to manipulation? 
So manipulation is when you are 

776
00:58:17,480 --> 00:58:23,880
doing it for a selfish end. 
Communication is when you are 

777
00:58:23,880 --> 00:58:28,200
speaking the language that that 
person understands. 

778
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:32,280
So you're doing it for the 
relationship, for the 

779
00:58:32,280 --> 00:58:36,680
connection. 
Now, people often call 

780
00:58:37,800 --> 00:58:41,840
manipulation is when you're not 
being true to yourself. 

781
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:45,040
But let's examine that, because 
it's something like this. 

782
00:58:46,480 --> 00:58:54,680
If the other person knows German
and you know English and you 

783
00:58:54,680 --> 00:58:59,280
know German, but your first 
language is English, So what do 

784
00:58:59,280 --> 00:59:02,120
you do? 
Say I will be true to myself. 

785
00:59:02,360 --> 00:59:05,600
I will speak my mother tongue. 
I will speak my first language, 

786
00:59:05,720 --> 00:59:07,080
English. 
To who? 

787
00:59:07,320 --> 00:59:10,440
The German who does not know 
English and you are talking 

788
00:59:10,440 --> 00:59:10,960
English. 
Why? 

789
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:12,680
Because I must be true to 
myself. 

790
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:17,120
Fine, no communication, no 
relationship. 

791
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:22,280
But if you know the language, if
you know how to speak German, if

792
00:59:22,280 --> 00:59:26,080
you speak German to the German 
connection, you're speaking the 

793
00:59:26,080 --> 00:59:29,200
language they understand. 
This is called relating. 

794
00:59:30,360 --> 00:59:32,040
It's not being untrue to 
yourself. 

795
00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:37,320
It is using the skills in order 
to communicate with the other 

796
00:59:37,320 --> 00:59:41,480
person in what? 
To get a message across, to get 

797
00:59:41,480 --> 00:59:45,520
your point across. 
You may not be an emotional 

798
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:48,880
person by nature, but if you're 
talking to an emotional person, 

799
00:59:49,080 --> 00:59:52,160
how do you convey a point? 
They don't understand logic. 

800
00:59:53,080 --> 00:59:55,520
So we've got to meet the person 
where they are. 

801
00:59:57,680 --> 01:00:03,600
So you speak the emotion that 
you know, oh, come on, do it for

802
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:09,200
my sake, please. 
But if you give them logic, you 

803
01:00:09,200 --> 01:00:11,280
say, look, if you do this, it'll
benefit. 

804
01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:14,680
It will increase your energy. 
How? 

805
01:00:14,880 --> 01:00:19,280
Because it at doesn't work for 
them, but you give an emotional 

806
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:23,680
appeal, it works. 
So it's not manipulation, it is 

807
01:00:23,680 --> 01:00:26,960
speaking the language the other 
person understands. 

808
01:00:29,800 --> 01:00:34,560
Question three Do teenagers 
require some different special 

809
01:00:34,560 --> 01:00:42,200
formula for relating? 
I'm guessing this question comes

810
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:47,800
from a parent. 
The challenge parents face with 

811
01:00:47,800 --> 01:00:51,960
teenagers is they are at that 
interim stage where they're no 

812
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:54,520
longer a child. 
A child is when you have full 

813
01:00:54,520 --> 01:00:57,120
mind and you need the guidance 
of the parent. 

814
01:00:57,680 --> 01:01:02,520
Now at the age of 8, the 
intellect starts emerging and 

815
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:05,680
this is where the child is 
supposed to transition into 

816
01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:09,200
independence. 
So what starts happening is now 

817
01:01:09,200 --> 01:01:12,640
that the child can start 
thinking for themselves, forming

818
01:01:12,640 --> 01:01:16,120
conclusions with their 
intellect, they start 

819
01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:19,040
challenging our direction or the
parents direction. 

820
01:01:20,440 --> 01:01:24,800
And if we try the same way to 
just give instruction, they 

821
01:01:24,800 --> 01:01:28,520
start rebutting the instruction.
But we think the role of 

822
01:01:28,520 --> 01:01:31,200
parenting is to give 
instruction, give guidance 

823
01:01:31,200 --> 01:01:35,080
constantly. 
Your time for guidance should be

824
01:01:35,080 --> 01:01:38,920
minimized. 
It's in those impressionable 

825
01:01:38,920 --> 01:01:42,840
years. 
Now we've got to treat them as 

826
01:01:43,040 --> 01:01:46,560
teenagers with intellects. 
So we've got to give 

827
01:01:47,600 --> 01:01:51,080
explanation, we've got to give 
logic. 

828
01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:56,080
We've got to, rather than 
telling them what to do, because

829
01:01:56,680 --> 01:02:03,000
they rebel the instruction, they
rebel the constant supervision. 

830
01:02:04,080 --> 01:02:08,120
We've got to decide what is 
really important that we need to

831
01:02:08,120 --> 01:02:09,680
tell them. 
But if you're telling them 

832
01:02:09,720 --> 01:02:14,520
everything, everything that's on
your mind, the teenager will not

833
01:02:14,520 --> 01:02:19,000
tolerate it. 
In fact, it'll be conflict. 

834
01:02:19,840 --> 01:02:24,440
So the way to relate to a 
teenager is to understand what 

835
01:02:24,440 --> 01:02:28,520
the teenager is going through, 
what is their nature? 

836
01:02:28,520 --> 01:02:30,760
How will they respond? 
Not just a teenager. 

837
01:02:30,760 --> 01:02:35,120
How will any person respond to 
so much instruction and try and 

838
01:02:35,120 --> 01:02:38,840
minimize the instruction for 
when it is crucial. 

839
01:02:40,240 --> 01:02:48,520
And even then approach it 
carefully in the sense I noticed

840
01:02:48,520 --> 01:02:52,720
something. 
Would you be open to some 

841
01:02:52,720 --> 01:02:56,000
feedback? 
If you're open to feedback, I 

842
01:02:56,000 --> 01:02:58,840
can share it, but if you're not,
it's OK. 

843
01:03:00,240 --> 01:03:03,800
Now, Right now, whether they're 
open or they're not open, I have

844
01:03:03,800 --> 01:03:07,800
something to tell you. 
But if they're not ready to 

845
01:03:07,800 --> 01:03:12,800
receive what you have to tell, 
it does not have the effect that

846
01:03:12,800 --> 01:03:15,200
you're looking for. 
In fact, it has the opposite 

847
01:03:15,200 --> 01:03:17,360
effect. 
If you find the child is 

848
01:03:17,360 --> 01:03:19,040
receptive, by all means you can 
share. 

849
01:03:19,480 --> 01:03:23,040
If the child is not receptive, 
we're only making it worse. 

850
01:03:23,720 --> 01:03:31,400
Threat, fear, instruction. 
This should be the last resort 

851
01:03:32,320 --> 01:03:39,520
for relating to a teenager. 
Instead, rather provoke them, 

852
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:44,360
ask questions that get them to 
think, and hopefully end up in 

853
01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:46,280
the conclusion that is best for 
them. 

854
01:03:49,600 --> 01:03:52,280
We're in an area where emotions 
are involved. 

855
01:03:52,640 --> 01:03:55,600
How do you know you are 
accurately assessing the other 

856
01:03:55,600 --> 01:04:02,120
person? 
In an area where we are 

857
01:04:02,120 --> 01:04:08,800
emotional and could be the other
person's emotional, where we are

858
01:04:08,800 --> 01:04:13,360
emotional, and we mentioned this
in the lecture and objectivity, 

859
01:04:14,880 --> 01:04:17,640
be suspicious of your 
assessment. 

860
01:04:18,400 --> 01:04:23,320
Because we are emotional, our 
assessment may be incorrect. 

861
01:04:23,320 --> 01:04:26,840
We're seeing it through the lens
of our desire. 

862
01:04:26,920 --> 01:04:28,800
We're seeing it through the lens
of our emotions. 

863
01:04:28,800 --> 01:04:31,920
So we may not actually be seeing
the person as they are. 

864
01:04:32,360 --> 01:04:34,960
We're very angry with them. 
So we're seeing all the worst 

865
01:04:34,960 --> 01:04:38,200
aspects now. 
We see this with family. 

866
01:04:38,200 --> 01:04:42,040
When we're upset with family, 
all the cases that you've had 

867
01:04:42,040 --> 01:04:46,120
lined up for years comes to the 
fore, all the negative cases. 

868
01:04:46,840 --> 01:04:49,680
And in those moments of 
appreciation, you've got all the

869
01:04:49,680 --> 01:04:52,440
positive cases lined up also 
come straight away. 

870
01:04:54,520 --> 01:04:59,160
This is bias. 
It's emotional bias. 

871
01:05:00,440 --> 01:05:03,560
And this is where it is useful 
to have that assessment sheet 

872
01:05:03,560 --> 01:05:07,400
done maybe when we're not 
emotional and where we can look 

873
01:05:07,400 --> 01:05:10,320
at it and see both sides. 
Yes, the person is like this and

874
01:05:10,320 --> 01:05:14,160
they're also like that and they 
provide this and they don't meet

875
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:17,800
that. 
But you have that done when you 

876
01:05:17,800 --> 01:05:22,920
are calm, quiet. 
And if you're very emotional and

877
01:05:22,920 --> 01:05:25,720
you need to make a decision 
about somebody that's close to 

878
01:05:25,720 --> 01:05:31,160
you, you're not sure how to 
assess them, consult someone who

879
01:05:31,160 --> 01:05:34,680
has a higher intellect, who's 
objective in the situation and 

880
01:05:34,680 --> 01:05:36,760
knows the nature of the other 
person. 

881
01:05:39,680 --> 01:05:43,080
Now what we do is we go and we 
talk to somebody about the 

882
01:05:43,080 --> 01:05:46,640
person we're battling with, but 
the portrayal that we give of 

883
01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:50,600
that person is coloured by our 
bias. 

884
01:05:50,960 --> 01:05:55,080
So that person, even if they 
have an intellect, cannot help 

885
01:05:55,080 --> 01:05:59,520
us because they're coloured by 
the portrayal of the person. 

886
01:06:00,600 --> 01:06:07,000
So the suggestion is wait for 
the emotion to come down, then 

887
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:10,640
do the assessment. 
And if we can, if there is 

888
01:06:10,640 --> 01:06:15,360
somebody in our life that has a 
higher intellect and knows the 

889
01:06:15,360 --> 01:06:20,240
other person somewhat, they can 
provide some perspective and 

890
01:06:20,240 --> 01:06:29,160
some truth to the situation. 
The last question what do you do

891
01:06:29,160 --> 01:06:33,000
when your assessment of a person
is proved incorrect and you are 

892
01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:38,320
not sure how you got it wrong 
and what you need to do for a 

893
01:06:38,320 --> 01:06:40,600
new assessment in order to 
relate? 

894
01:06:45,040 --> 01:06:50,440
So if we look at that diagram 
where it starts wrong assessment

895
01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:54,560
of lack of assessment leads to 
unreasonable expectation, leads 

896
01:06:54,560 --> 01:06:58,240
to disappointment, stress. 
So when you say that we've got 

897
01:06:58,240 --> 01:07:01,400
the relationship wrong or the 
relating the assessment wrong, 

898
01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:03,560
that means we met with a 
negative effect. 

899
01:07:04,720 --> 01:07:09,640
OK, so the question we can ask 
ourselves is what was my 

900
01:07:09,720 --> 01:07:13,800
unreasonable expectation? 
What did I expect from the 

901
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:17,200
person that did not come to 
reality? 

902
01:07:19,040 --> 01:07:22,800
And that might be the question 
to ask, where in my thinking did

903
01:07:22,800 --> 01:07:25,720
I go wrong? 
Or if I'm not quite sure, where 

904
01:07:25,720 --> 01:07:31,160
in my thinking, what could I do 
differently to change the 

905
01:07:31,160 --> 01:07:36,080
result? 
And that means in solving and 

906
01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:40,000
locating the assessment, what in
the understanding of the person,

907
01:07:40,000 --> 01:07:47,720
As we said, tiger is ferocious, 
puppy is cute, harmless in the 

908
01:07:47,720 --> 01:07:49,520
assessment, what do we need to 
change? 

909
01:07:50,360 --> 01:07:55,680
So this is where we could do a 
little bit of trial and error to

910
01:07:55,680 --> 01:08:00,240
get the relating right, 
especially with family members. 

911
01:08:00,440 --> 01:08:03,200
What strategy works? 
What strategy doesn't? 

912
01:08:03,640 --> 01:08:06,480
But because we are not 
approaching relationships 

913
01:08:06,480 --> 01:08:10,280
rationally with the intellect, 
we're not learning from the 

914
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:12,000
data. 
We're not learning from our 

915
01:08:12,000 --> 01:08:16,479
experiences. 
If you are having the same 

916
01:08:16,479 --> 01:08:21,279
argument with your spouse for 10
years, what does it mean? 

917
01:08:22,880 --> 01:08:27,200
0 intellect. 
We're not reflecting. 

918
01:08:27,960 --> 01:08:30,120
We're not seeing how it can be 
done differently. 

919
01:08:30,160 --> 01:08:32,479
We're not improving in the next 
situation. 

920
01:08:32,479 --> 01:08:35,479
Why? 
We're not using the data now. 

921
01:08:35,479 --> 01:08:39,120
We've got so much of our own 
data to reflect on, but you've 

922
01:08:39,120 --> 01:08:41,279
also got all other people's 
data. 

923
01:08:41,960 --> 01:08:46,359
You have all your other family 
relationships that we can take 

924
01:08:46,359 --> 01:08:49,920
into account and we can fast 
track this whole relating 

925
01:08:49,920 --> 01:08:54,160
business and master it. 
But we're not using the 

926
01:08:54,160 --> 01:09:03,120
intellect. 
Therefore, the necessity or the 

927
01:09:03,120 --> 01:09:11,560
need of the hour is to develop 
the intellect and we've got to 

928
01:09:11,560 --> 01:09:16,840
find a way to make it not a 
Sunday wisdom session, one hour 

929
01:09:16,840 --> 01:09:22,680
in the week, but a daily 
practice of putting these 

930
01:09:22,680 --> 01:09:27,880
thoughts into us, allowing them 
to stir, be provoked and making 

931
01:09:27,880 --> 01:09:30,359
these micro changes in our 
perspective. 

932
01:09:32,520 --> 01:09:36,359
So where is that half an hour in
your day that you're dedicating 

933
01:09:36,560 --> 01:09:41,920
to changing your thoughts? 
What I would recommend is the 

934
01:09:41,920 --> 01:09:45,760
Vedanta e-learning program. 
It's by the author of the book 

935
01:09:46,000 --> 01:09:49,560
where he actually explains 
paragraph by paragraph. 

936
01:09:49,760 --> 01:09:53,359
Not just this first book, The 
Fall of the Human Intellect, but

937
01:09:53,439 --> 01:09:57,040
all 12 books. 
It takes three years at the 

938
01:09:57,040 --> 01:10:02,000
Vedanta Academy, but online you 
can do it much quicker and you 

939
01:10:02,000 --> 01:10:05,120
just go in order lecture by 
lecture, deeper and deeper into 

940
01:10:05,120 --> 01:10:08,280
the subject. 
Watch for half an hour, reflect 

941
01:10:08,280 --> 01:10:10,840
for a few minutes on to the next
lecture. 

942
01:10:11,200 --> 01:10:14,240
That's it. 
And if you're not ready yet for 

943
01:10:14,240 --> 01:10:18,600
the e-learning course, I would 
say use the earlier Sunday 

944
01:10:18,600 --> 01:10:21,720
Wisdom sessions. 
The recordings are open and 

945
01:10:21,720 --> 01:10:26,360
accessible to everybody. 
Make use of that, but keep these

946
01:10:26,360 --> 01:10:29,360
thoughts going in a structured 
format. 

947
01:10:30,440 --> 01:10:33,480
So thank you everybody for 
joining us this week on 

948
01:10:33,480 --> 01:10:37,160
Relating. 
Next week we meet to talk about 

949
01:10:37,160 --> 01:10:39,880
success. 
Thank you.