Happy, happy, happy. Today I wanted to bring you a
raw AF Christmas reflection because last year on this day,
Christmas Eve, I was actually begging for love in my cold ex's
cold backyard. No, this is not a story for
social media, this is for real. It was not that long ago that I
literally didn't know my worth and I was begging for someone's
affection. This year I am wrapped in the
warmth and the knowing and the peace of who I am, the world
that have created the life I love, the career that I love,
helping lesbians find love, and most importantly, the warmth of
my loving girlfriend who I know deeply loves me.
Never makes me question. It never makes me have to bid
for affection. I once heard a relationship
therapist say that the quickest way to destroying a relationship
is when one partner bids for affection and the other
disregards it. And I couldn't agree more.
If you didn't know, a bid for affection is like when you bring
up something and you want your partner to like ask you a
question about it, or you lean over and you're in bed and you
make a move and your partner doesn't accept your bid for
affection. It could be you doing something
nice for them and then them not even hugging you back.
It could be you complimenting them and giving them a hug and
then being kind of just whatever about it.
You are bidding for connection, you're bidding for affection.
It doesn't mean you're, you're needing like a big thank you or
you're needing them to glorify you or you're needing them even
to have sex with you. It's, it's not like that.
It's just a match, an exchange of energy that feels like
they're, they're meeting you. And that was always something
that I, I couldn't get in my last relationship no matter how
much I tried. And here I am in my yard of my
home, enjoying the peace and the space, the little sapphic
cottage that I've created to be so beautiful for me and my
partner who's arriving on or before the new year to move in
with me. I am drinking a cup of tea.
I cannot help but reflect right now as I'm just looking outside,
looking at my home, I can't help but reflect on how much has
changed in this year. And if you've been here for the
journey, you've been here for the journey.
My journey has been a mess. And I'm happy to say that the
last gosh, how many months have just been utter peace other
than, you know, regular life ship, but not coming from
dysregulated nervous system or dysregulated relationships or
the dysregulated nervous system of a partner.
Life has just been beautiful. Like I said last time this year,
I was sitting in the cold in my ex girlfriend's backyard on
Christmas Eve on her patio 10 feet apart because her precious
child had COVID. Or at least we suspected she had
COVID and I definitely didn't want to bring COVID to my family
so we stayed very far apart. The night before Christmas I
remember leaving a family event where I was watching a Christmas
movie with my little niece so that I could go tell my
ex-girlfriend Merry Christmas Eve and spend time with her
because it was one night that we had because she'd be spending
the next day with her child. And I remember just going well
out of my way or ending things very quickly with my family
events or my friendship events to always like make time for her
and whatever space she had. It was like, Oh yes, yes, I jump
like, and just so interesting to think that like now there's
nothing in my life that I jump for.
Like if I don't want to do something at a certain time, I
just don't do it. I would never let something come
between me and my family time now.
Like it's just too precious. And it's weird how there's
people in your lives and you will only do this for people who
have trained you how to treat them this way.
People train you how to treat them and you train others how to
treat you. And when you consistently make
yourself available for someone who doesn't really have wiggle
room for you, you're you're training them to continue to
treat you like that. As always, the second or third
or fourth option and you get to decide when not to allow that in
your life. I can look back at this last
year and be like, I fully allowed chaos for years.
I didn't know how to energetically hold a healthy
relationship. And I will say that it's a lot
of work and a lot of self reflection.
When I say work, it doesn't mean that it's hard or painful.
I mean, it is daily intentional work, doing the work of being
there emotionally for yourself and for them, being there and
being aware of what's going on for yourself and for them and
not projecting anything that's personal to you onto your
partner. It is, yes, it is emotionally
work on some level to be the best version of yourself for
your partner at all times. But it's way easier than being
in an unhealthy relationship. But the work is different.
It's so different. If you know, you know.
OK, so let me go back to the story.
I was sitting on her patio and I had planned like a little
picnic. I made us like a little pretend
mocktails try to make the moment special.
And you, Donna was begging for love.
I think I'd written her a poem. I remember looking at her across
that way just thinking I want her to love me, I want her to
choose me, I want her to be nice to me tomorrow.
At this point we have been on and off.
We have been on a long break up. It wasn't a break, it was a
break up and that's when I met my now partner, going on a date
with her on that break and shortly after my that my first
date with my now partner that at the time we didn't think went
well. Which is so funny.
I went right back to my toxic ex and wanted her to choose me.
Now There had been many unhealthy very dark things that
happened in the first iteration of our relationship.
And the gas lighting was so strong that I went to her
apologizing for not being open armed enough, for not being
forgiving enough for for not giving her enough space to make
mistakes and for us to come together.
And I took so much responsibility for my emotional
flare ups and to be honest, not looking back, anyone would be
absolutely out of their mind upset if they had gone through
what I went through. And yet this whole time I'm
apologizing to her for my emotional reaction and she not
once, without me prompting her, without me begging her, without
me pleading with her, she not once apologized to me from her
heart and her soul. Like, hey, I do know what I did
was wrong. I do know that it hurt you.
And here's why I'm not going to do it again.
I would try to explain to her how apologies worked.
When you're sorry, you explain that you're genuinely sorry and
you're sorry that you hurt your partner.
And then you explain why you're not going to do it again to make
your partner feel safe. There was no safety there.
She'd laugh at me when I would ask for these things.
She'd mock me and now I have someone who I would never have
to tell how to apologize to because, well, first of all, she
doesn't really often have to apologize.
And when she does, when we apologize to each other, it
comes from our hearts. We don't have to explain
anything because we just do. And I can't believe I was
looking at someone last year on Christmas Eve thinking I hope
she's nice to me tomorrow when we're away from each other when
we talk on the phone. I was in a relationship with
someone who had a kid and had a custody schedule so we weren't
together all the time. Yet it felt more distant than
the over 2000 mile distance, long distance relationship that
I'm in now. Because when we were apart,
communication was absolutely disgusting.
To be honest, I poured so much of myself into that
relationship, constantly trying to make her feel special all the
time thinking if I made her feel special enough then she'd make
me feel special. I'd always be waiting for some
words back. I'd always start, I'd be waiting
for words back and just something that would make me
feel seen. It didn't have to be
extravagant, but there was nothing.
And she'd often remind me, I don't have words for you.
And then of course, we'll get into like, I'll never be enough
for you, blah, blah, blah. Shit.
At the end of the day, I just needed kind words and
reciprocation. And maybe you've been in a
relationship like that where you didn't get the validation back
and perhaps you're stuck on that person.
So you're never going to be obsessed, obsessive, and stuck
on somebody who doesn't reject you.
When someone rejects you or doesn't prioritize you the way
you prioritize them. And if you're in an unhealthy
state of mind, that breeds obsession.
OK, if you are still stuck on somebody, I want you to ask
yourself honestly, did they treat you energetically matching
you? Or were you feeling like you
were having to chase most of the time to get some sort of
validation? Because I can 99.9% guarantee
that you were chasing somebody and that's why you're still
stuck on them. Because the rejection and
abandonment breeds obsession. And that's what happened to me.
I kept pouring everything into us.
I was subtly begging for attention.
I would blatantly beg for affection, for commitment, for
anything that would make me feel like I mattered.
But instead, she just wanted to continue to sleep with me
without publicly getting back together because she didn't want
to feel embarrassed in front of her friends.
And maybe for other reasons, like wanting to appear like
there was no other woman in her life.
And if someone is not publicly sharing that they have a
partner, you should have a problem with that if you've been
their partner. There's always a reason.
There's always an insidious reason.
And she found a way to let me beg enough for commitment that
she'd commit ish without truly committing publicly.
But I had begged so much for just the little commitment again
that I got that there would be no way I could ask for so much
more. Something like public
commitment. I had to just let it go.
At least I was getting commitment that she didn't want
to sleep with someone else. Or so I believed.
Eventually I learned everything. OK, back to the show and looking
back, I see that I wasn't just holding on to my ex.
It wasn't because I was so in love with her, although I really
believed that I was. I was obsessed with who I wanted
her to be, the woman I saw interacting with her beloved
child. I saw this loving human when we
first met, the way she treated me in the beginning, and I just
kept wanting that. And because I saw her being kind
to one human in her life and continue being kind to one human
in her life, I had this little glimmer of hope that one day
she'll just be good to me again the way she was in the
beginning. I was also holding on to fear.
Fear of opening myself up to new love.
Going out with my now wonderful beautiful partner.
When me and this ex-girlfriend were on a breakup I was scared
shitless. This this beautiful woman is
emotionally available, is looking at me like I am.
Everything is treating me like a Princess and I don't have to
chase anything. It felt uncomfortable to not
have a longing for someone because there was no need to
have longing. She was going to meet me.
Longing is when you put out your hand, your emotions, your heart
and someone cannot touch it. Someone cannot reach and just
hold your hand back and say I wanted to hold your hand too.
Being with my now partner even on that first date was her
noticing I was about to put out my hand and her putting her hand
out first and saying hold my hand.
Not this metaphorically, by the way, energetically doing this.
And I'm like, yeah, that scares me.
It was like weird. And I actually got the ick over
someone being good to me because before this ex-girlfriend that I
was begging for love in her backyard after, we'd already
been through like 7 to 10 breakups at this point and they
ended in very very, very, very, very, very toxic ways.
Before that, I was with a woman who was in the closet who never
chose me. I was used to begging for
affection. If you are a monogamous woman
who has her shit together, do not beg for affection.
Only date women who are available, emotionally available
and ready. And you know what's crazy?
I wasn't emotionally available when I met my now future wife
because I was still hung up on this piece of shit.
I would say pardon my French, but no this piece of shit.
I was so scared of opening myself up and looking for
something better, something more aligned.
Because I will be honest, finding quality long lasting
lesbian love is hard. And we see people saying how
hard it is, especially locally. If you're in a small town,
you're swiping on the same people all the time on dating
apps. You're like, dude, I want to
just like move to LA so I can date lesbians or move to Miami.
It can feel like there's not many women to date or if you
date someone, you're dating your ex's ex or there's just lesbian
drama. And that is a valid freaking
fear to have to start over and feel like you might have no one
because you don't live in a huge metropolitan area.
That fear is real. That was my fear.
Now segue into what I do. Hi, I'm a lesbian matchmaker now
with a lesbian dating platform that I developed this last year.
After I broke up with this woman monster, whatever you want to
call it, I realized that there are so many lesbians out there
who are monogamous and fabulous and accomplished and purposed
and, and really cool and looking for love and looking for their
future wife and not looking to play around and looking for true
monogamy. And all I had to do was, well,
create the platform myself because it didn't exist.
And I market the way I'm doing now, speaking to lesbians who
are truly ready to find that lifetime love.
And then we have an application process where you have to agree
that you were there for monogamy.
And we don't allow filters on photos and we don't allow men.
And it's just the Queer Country Club is a very special place.
And if you are feeling this way, you're having those fears that I
had, like I have to start over and you're really scared.
Or maybe you've been hung up on your ex because you're really
scared of starting completely over.
Even if you're hung up, just in your mind, you've been able to
separate physically. No, but there's evidence that
there are women out there that wouldn't do anything to meet
someone as as lovely and ready as you if you're a monogamous
lesbian ready for your life partner.
So if you're interested in Queer Country Club, please shoot me a
message on Instagram or just go to queercountryclub.com or go to
the show notes and fill out an application.
I'd love to have you inside. So yeah, the fears I had then
were valid because the Queer Country Club did not exist.
I didn't know how I was going to meet someone.
I just went on a date in New Orleans with a woman that I
didn't realize would now be my future partner.
And even though we were so aligned, the date went bad.
Like, let's just be real, the date went bad.
We were both uncomfortable. Why?
Because I was not energetically ready.
I was still hung up on my ex and days later I went back to her.
And days later I ended up in her yard on Christmas Eve and a huge
coat and blankets, trembling for two hours trying to convince her
that we should get back together.
And all she wanted was to get back together, to sleep together
but not have a real relationship because she didn't want people
to know about it. And well, she was probably not
just seeing me. It's crazy to think how much can
change in a year. Today I'm in a home only I could
dream about. I was in an apartment that I
moved to when I came out of the closet years ago.
I have been in a little shoe box for years.
And now I have a home and I'm looking up at a ceiling.
I can't believe that God provided I'm looking into the
eyes of a woman who cherishes me the way I love her.
I never have to bid for affection, and my dining room
may still be empty and we're waiting on furniture to make
this house feel complete. But I would sit crisscross
freaking applesauce on this floor with so much gratitude,
knowing this is the life I was meant to create and the woman I
was meant to spend it with, and the woman who brings such peace
and joy to my heart and to my spirit.
And I know that that is possible for you because it's possible
for me. And if someone told me you're
going to meet her at this time last year, I would have just
cried and said no, thank you for trying to make me feel better.
But no, that doesn't work because it's not true.
I wouldn't have believed it, but it is.
And then by May, I was building the Queer Country Club.
By March I had reconnected with my now life partner.
And by May we were traveling together as friends in Europe.
And by the end of May, we had made our relationship official
and fell in love. And by July 1, I launched.
Or maybe the last week of June, I launched the Queer Country
Club, the lesbian dating platform, Although I love to
jokingly call it my relationship platform because the goal is for
you to find your lifelong relationship and never use a
dating platform again. And ending 2024 like this feels
like a freaking miracle. I stopped settling in every way.
I let go of fear. I lean into faith and trust, and
it's hard to freaking trust someone when your trust has been
broken. But I did, and here I am proving
that when you open yourself up to love, the right love, you'll
be met with so much more than you can ever imagine because you
never felt someone equally meet you in love.
I'm here to remind you that you 2 could be sitting on your patio
knowing you created your own sapphic little cottage.
I love the envisioners like Snow White's little House.
Except not 7 little men, just one little woman for me inside.
And wherever you are, you can have this.
You can have this too. I know I had to let go of things
though, before I could grab onto what was right for me.
And I would love to ask you just to think, 'cause we're getting
close to the new year, Christmas always makes us think of, OK,
this was a beautiful year. What next?
Before we think of next, before you think of, oh, I want to meet
my future wife, ask yourself, what fears do you need to let go
of to Createspace for love? Do you need to let go of the
fear that there is really no one there for you or no one could
really love you or no one's going to ever to meet you
because you live in a small town?
There's women in Queer Country Club who can work anywhere in
the world and are willing to move.
We just had a client today go to Australia to meet the woman, the
love that she found on the Queer Country Club Australia.
We have women who are teachers. We have women who are doctors
with practices. We have women with who are
lawyers or practices who probably couldn't move right.
But we've also got women who are in tech.
We've got women who are coaches. We've got women who are living
lies where they can virtually work anywhere in the world and
move to you. These women like you and me,
would do nearly anything if it was the right person.
So I promise you, if that's your fear, you let it go.
Let it go. And I'd ask you, what do you
want to bless and release in 2024?
I want to bless and release all of these shit relationships that
have gotten me right to where I am.
That silly country song, God bless a broken Rd. that led me
straight to you. That is how I feel.
God bless it. I bless and release.
For those of you who don't know, I have a song called My Healing.
It's on Spotify. I listen to it with headphones
and lay down and be ready to release because it goes pretty
deep. But just know that you get to
choose what you're releasing for this year.
And if you choose it now, it's much smarter than waiting for
the new year to happen before you're going to release the
thing because you really won't get the thing you want until you
release the thing. And I am living evidence of that
because I went on a date with my now partner, but I'm obsessed
with. And I wasn't about her at first,
not at all. And she wasn't about me, but it
just wasn't the right space and it wasn't the right time.
And I Hutton fully released. So I'd love to invite you to
just release anything that you need to before you go into the
new year. And I hope that this episode has
helped you think about what you need to release, what you need
to no longer tolerate, and most importantly, what you need to no
longer allow. Because taking responsibility
for what you allow and the chaos you allow in is the first step
to ending it. And I can't believe that I was a
woman that allowed chaos for so long.
So that's all I got for you. I'd love to hold space for your
dreams. If you have a prayer request
going into 2025 and you want me to send you love and good vibes
and pray prayer for you, I invite you to DM me on
Instagram. I'm happy to pray for you.
Maybe you want me to pray for you to release something or you
could DM me music. I'll send you my music.
I'm wishing you so much peace, so much love, and a very Merry
Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate.
From the bottom of my heart, I'll see you in 2025 as women.
That's women with an X because of course we are inclusive here.