1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:01,760 Hello, mate, hello again. How are you? 2 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:03,680 I'm really good just. Checking on recording. 3 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:05,880 Are we? I am, yeah. 4 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:07,400 It's good stuff. Good start. 5 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:08,480 How are you doing? I'm alright mate. 6 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,640 I'm alright. Yeah. 7 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,400 Pretty pretty chill week actually. 8 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:13,960 It's been really good, isn't? It yeah, it's been good. 9 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:18,960 Quite before the storm. Yes, week left till, well, not 10 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,400 even a week. It was a week yesterday, a week 11 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,880 yesterday instead this time. I lose all my toenails. 12 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,200 Yeah, this time next week we'll be in clip. 13 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,720 We'll be hanging. Be hanging, wouldn't be able to 14 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:31,480 walk, wouldn't be able to navigate stairs. 15 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:32,560 Did you book the Monday off work? 16 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:36,960 Yes, Oh yes, yes, booked off. Absolutely. 17 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,720 London Marathon, here we come. Yeah, full of excitement. 18 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,720 I am, I am between, I'm in two minds. 19 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,360 I'm excited for the atmosphere and stuff. 20 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,760 Because people have said like it's just like something you've 21 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,920 never experienced before and they never experienced a game 22 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,160 because there's no guarantee you get to do it more than once. 23 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,880 Then why would you? You know, what do you want to 24 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,280 do? Because you don't apply, you're 25 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,280 selfish. Individual. 26 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:01,600 Let somebody else do it. But yeah, it's yeah, I'm really 27 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:02,960 looking forward to that. I am. 28 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:06,000 I'm genuinely scared. I am absolutely bricking it. 29 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:10,000 I'm absolutely bricking it. Training has been non existent. 30 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,560 Yeah. So yeah, really, really not 31 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,480 looking forward to it. Conceiting your face? 32 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:17,960 Absolutely. I'm getting some motivational 33 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:22,120 videos as well of going over Tower Bridge and what an amazing 34 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,600 feeling it is and I'm just like Nah at. 35 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,040 What point is Tower Bridge do the run? 36 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,880 I think it's halfway, isn't it? Just before halfway. 37 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,600 OK. So you kind of appreciate it. 38 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,480 Yeah, I think so, yeah. Because if anything like that 39 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,280 towards the end, I'm not sure I'm going to take it in. 40 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,400 I won't. Take anything in towards the 41 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,880 end, I know what I'll be doing. I'll be keep. 42 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,200 I'll just keep looking at my watch like that. 43 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,760 Yeah. How do you mean only 30 seconds 44 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,480 has passed? I'm going to be asking you 45 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,520 because I've got this woop thing. 46 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,000 It hasn't got a screen on it. Yeah. 47 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,200 So I'm not going to unless you keep getting my phone out. 48 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,480 I'm not be able to like track my pace or anything like that. 49 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,440 I'm just because I had an Apple Watch when we did the. 50 00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,080 Paris Honestly, I wouldn't worry. 51 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,600 I'm going to take so long. When it gets dark, we'll know. 52 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,360 We're near the end. Just follow the sun. 53 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:04,880 We'll be absolutely. Fine. 54 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:09,360 As it's going down, yeah. Have you had anything up this 55 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,360 week? Anything in particular? 56 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:11,480 No, nothing. Nothing. 57 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:14,640 Well, I say nothing major. Lydia had her for a swimming 58 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,880 lesson on Saturday. I was going to say she took to 59 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,320 it like a duck to water and she did. 60 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,520 She was really good. First time we've taken her to a 61 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,360 proper swimming lesson. She's obviously 5 now, so 62 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,240 excited when she saw the water, which I was in two minds about 63 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,760 going. Is that a good thing or a bad 64 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,480 thing that she's got excited when she saw the water? 65 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,520 But yeah, got in there full of confidence, just enjoying the 66 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:40,040 experience. What else you do, getting a head 67 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,160 in the water? Apparently she breathes her nose 68 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,320 on the water like a proper swimmer should do already. 69 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,720 So I was like, yeah, OK, that sounds good. 70 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,960 And then, yeah, just really good at kind of lying on her back, 71 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,880 kicking her feet and then switching on her fronts. 72 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,360 And. Yeah, getting her head 73 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,480 underwater, No Fear about that side of things. 74 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,840 So part of me is like, yeah, this is really good that she's 75 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,680 got No Fear. Then the other part kicks in. 76 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,600 She's autistic. Yeah, she's got No Fear of 77 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,880 water. Anytime she sees a lake. 78 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,440 Yeah, she's just straight into it. 79 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,320 So no, really good, really pleased. 80 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,720 Great, great experience. So yeah, obviously I'm in the 81 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,480 pool with her as well. So you get to share that that. 82 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,560 Experience. Yeah, absolutely. 83 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:20,320 So no, it was, it was fantastic. Really. 84 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:20,960 Really. Good, that's good. 85 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,000 I need to we need to take Thomas swimming again. 86 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:26,320 I think last time we took him was like just a swimming baths 87 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:30,480 and took him down the flume. I was surprised actually. 88 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,960 I remember thinking, I love that flume, but they don't let people 89 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,400 go down in pairs in this pool. They were like, like, I was like 90 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,000 my little lad's autistic, can I go down with him? 91 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,800 Like, yeah, yeah, whatever. Do what you want. 92 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,040 I meant so it was great. It was like it was a swimming 93 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,640 baths in the Outback of Shropshire. 94 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:47,880 So maybe they didn't follow all the rules like they supposed to. 95 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,640 Everywhere else but. It was meant and he loved it. 96 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,000 But like, as far as actual lessons or anything, no, I've 97 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,360 not done anything like that with him but probably should. 98 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:03,600 Oh Oh yeah, for the first time ever I studying human faeces, 99 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,840 didn't I? I sent that little picture in 100 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,800 the in. The group, yes, Congratulations. 101 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:07,640 Thank you for breaking your duck. 102 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:08,880 That's it. Thank you very much. 103 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,160 I was quite proud of that one. Human faeces. 104 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,040 Human faeces stood in it in the bathroom. 105 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,200 Oh. Amazing. 106 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,200 Awesome. Thanks, Thomas. 107 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,160 When you've had it rubbed in your mouth, then you've locked 108 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:20,959 another level. I've not quite got to the dizzy. 109 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,640 Heights of that here it's a good level. 110 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,880 It's a good level to achieve. You know your life is going in 111 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:26,000 the right direction when that. Happens. 112 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,600 I was walking, walked in the bathroom, but I was like, 113 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,560 because it's just an unusual thing to feel under your foot in 114 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,280 the bathroom. I was like, what's that? 115 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,720 And I just took my shift straight away and I'm like that 116 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:39,120 shit, great. Awesome, awesome, awesome. 117 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:43,040 So yeah, there was that. So we we put some questions 118 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,600 there. We did to the community, Yep, 119 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,360 once they aimed at dads, once they aimed at mums. 120 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,720 So we've got some questions to go through. 121 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,800 Thanks guys. You, you really went, especially 122 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:58,280 the mums went all in to ask some questions. 123 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,120 So there's quite a few. So you just crack on. 124 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:05,120 Yeah, let's, let's do it crack. On go in question one this is so 125 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,120 these are these are from dad. The first seven are from dads. 126 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,720 How did you feel when you got the diagnosis for your children? 127 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:15,200 Suspected 3 years became official Thursday hit me like a 128 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,840 train. Currently feeling numb, 129 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:21,760 relieved, guilt, anxious all at the same time, and me and you're 130 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,600 at pretty different ends of the spectrum. 131 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:30,280 Yeah, for me, I kind of said it previously, it was very much 132 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:35,320 just a box ticking exercise, a rubber stamp in, if you will, of 133 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:39,080 the autism. It was fairly clear that she was 134 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:43,000 autistic. Obviously when you see the 135 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,920 paediatrician, they're like can't officially say, but the 136 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:49,680 signs are there. And then just knowing your child 137 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,520 compared to other children, it became very obvious. 138 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,760 So when we got the results, it was. 139 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,320 Yeah. And your, your results, actually 140 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:58,680 you got them relatively recently. 141 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:00,640 We were doing the podcast when it came in because I remember 142 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:01,680 asking you about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 143 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,840 So because what June maybe? June last year, something like 144 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:05,920 that. Yeah, something like that. 145 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:08,720 She got her place at a specialist school. 146 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,440 We did the assessment, then got the phone call or the Zoom call 147 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:17,120 at the time, and it was just, yeah, as expected, you know, 148 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,760 autistic. I was just very much like, yeah, 149 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:24,400 10 minute call at the end of it, so you put the kettle on you. 150 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:28,400 You've been through the like you said here, like numb, relieved, 151 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,080 which obviously that's that weird, the weird feeling. 152 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,320 Guilt. That's an interesting one. 153 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,480 Anxious. Totally get that anxious about 154 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,560 the future. I mean, for me it was relieved 155 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,640 for sure. Guilt. 156 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:48,160 Do you know what if if there was any guilt, admittedly, what we 157 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,000 did cross our minds. Is this something? 158 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,400 Was this a vaccine? Like, was this mish? 159 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,960 Was like, is it, was it my diet when I was pregnant? 160 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,280 Was it, was it the things I was eating or not eating while I 161 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,680 was? Did I take certain medication? 162 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:02,720 Aspirin? Yeah. 163 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,200 Tylenol. Did I take Tylenol? 164 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:09,480 So there's stuff like that. But the the COVID vaccine, COVID 165 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,040 vaccine COVID side of things, yeah. 166 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,360 Yeah, it would have been around the same time. 167 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:17,200 Yeah, I think. So I think the anxiety comes 168 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,480 with, again, that future. Yeah. 169 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,480 How? How autistic are they going to 170 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,800 be the. Guilt thing is like it's because 171 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:29,400 you can't get any answers. There's no definite or defining 172 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:35,280 moment that says that is the precursor to autism. 173 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:39,480 Yeah, I think that maybe is the guilt is that you can't you 174 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:40,840 can't label where it's come from. 175 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,920 No. And then nobody can be thinks 176 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,120 like do you actually want to know is it going to change 177 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,520 that's the other one or if if it comes out and it it's very much 178 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,880 like, oh, actually it's from this particular parent. 179 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,760 Yeah. Do you want to know or is is 180 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,680 that going to lead to things in the future? 181 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,800 You may not say anything, but in those dark moments, are you 182 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:03,480 suddenly going to go this can life we've got now is down to. 183 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,040 Yeah, and even if even if it was a vaccine, even if it was a 184 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:10,880 vaccine or medication, let's say for argument's sake they that it 185 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:15,720 was vaccines and it was proven it was vaccines, I wouldn't want 186 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,080 to know. I get that future parents would 187 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,200 need to know. I wouldn't want to know because 188 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:25,360 that means, again, this is just a theoretical like, you know, if 189 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:29,560 I'd sat down with my kid on my lap and let someone jab them 190 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,840 with something, I wouldn't want to know if that because it's 191 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,960 done right. He's got autism. 192 00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:37,120 It is what it is. The other thing is as well, I 193 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:42,640 think with me, there'd be periods where I would get really 194 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:47,720 annoyed and pissed off at pharmaceuticals, doctors, 195 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:52,320 everyone else like that in the sense of you've caused this and 196 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:57,520 I don't have enough energy to focus on being pissed off at a 197 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,600 large pharmaceutical company when I've got to invest all my 198 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,680 energy in normal life. Pfizer you. 199 00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:05,880 Get yeah or, you know, or, or trying to do the best you can 200 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,800 for your child whilst also trying to do as well as you can 201 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,280 in your career, your jobs, after, you know, have 202 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,440 relationships, go have, you know, all these sort of things 203 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:15,960 that you're supposed to do as a normal adult. 204 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:20,640 You know, I just don't know if I could go down that that side of 205 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:22,720 things, but. Yeah, it's a mix of all those 206 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,880 emotions, all of this, Yeah. Feeling feeling numb. 207 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,480 The only, the only thing I felt numb about wasn't the actual 208 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:38,400 diagnosis as such. It was it's you finally get that 209 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:42,080 call and they go, right. Confirmed autism. 210 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,080 Thanks very much. See you later. 211 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,960 That's the bit that I found maybe a little bit numbing is 212 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,720 that. Oh, nothing has changed, has it? 213 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:54,400 We've got the diagnosis now and we've already got kind of EHCPS 214 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,120 and everything else like that. There's nothing else that comes 215 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,280 through now where you go? Yeah, it is confirmed. 216 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:04,280 We can now do this to fix help. It's just. 217 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:05,440 Yeah. Confirmed. 218 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:09,440 And I don't know with this, I guess it kind of depends on the 219 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,160 how profound the autism is displaying. 220 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:17,160 So imagine if it was like, like he said, suspected for three 221 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:21,920 years. If it isn't that obvious, I 222 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,680 imagine it. If you've always got it in your 223 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,680 mind that this might not be autism, then when you get the 224 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:29,840 diagnosis I imagine that does hit you harder then. 225 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:34,440 Like for for me for example, I was so sure it was autism that 226 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,600 it didn't surprise me when we got the. 227 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,640 You would have been more shocked if they said it's not. 228 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,360 Absolutely. And a lot of the stuff he said 229 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,880 here, a lot of these emotions I'd been through, I'd kind of 230 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:48,360 been through them all. Yeah, like, like with Lydia, we 231 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,160 knew for yeah, 3 plus years that that was autistic. 232 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,520 We just had to go through the mill. 233 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,800 Yeah, and your diagnosis actually came a little bit later 234 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,240 than you were expecting, didn't. It yeah, COVID knock on. 235 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,880 So even though it was 2025, we got the official diagnosis for 236 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,840 for Lydia, I think it was supposed to take place in 2024. 237 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:10,080 She was born in 2021. But various delays, more 238 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,880 children being assessed everything else I said the 239 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,080 waiting list got longer and longer. 240 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,760 So I think we will kind of push back a couple of times and just 241 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,640 explain that it's going to take longer than anticipated and to 242 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,520 get it do. You want the next one. 243 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:28,760 Yeah, next one. So this is a gentleman who's 40 244 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,880 son age 7. As a man with an autistic child, 245 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,920 I feel we live in silence. I agree, sometimes it's best not 246 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,240 showing weakness as it can make things worse. 247 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,680 At the same time working and taking care of your children and 248 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,040 family can create burnout and people just don't see it. 249 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:51,120 How would you deal with this? Well, I don't agree with the 250 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,880 first bit or the second bit. I agree sometimes it's best not 251 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,200 to show weakness as it can make things worse. 252 00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:01,000 I think that is actually the problem. 253 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:05,680 I think everyone is so trying so hard, especially as men not to 254 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,480 show weak. And I don't think it's weakness. 255 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,240 I think vulnerability might be what he's kind of saying there 256 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,280 because there's nothing you're not showing weakness. 257 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:17,640 I think by by fighting against showing vulnerability, that's 258 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,800 where things get stacked up. That's when mums end up dealing 259 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,320 with stuff on their own is because men think, well I can't 260 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,880 show how I really feel about this. 261 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,680 And men sometimes do that because they don't want to. 262 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,040 They've offload. You don't want to offload on 263 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:31,960 your partner. Yeah. 264 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,760 Like if, oh, my God, if she's got enough on her plate worrying 265 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,520 about our children or our child, last thing she needs to worry 266 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,280 about is me. So I'll just be stiff up a lip, 267 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,440 crack on, go to work, come back, do what I need to do. 268 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,880 Yeah. But repeat. 269 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,240 But the problem with that is, although that's what you think 270 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,920 you're doing, you think you're not offloading in the moment and 271 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,200 that's going to make everything fine. 272 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,480 But what's actually happening is internally your stress levels 273 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,960 are going through the roof and your partner is feeling it and 274 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,960 seeing it, and that's actually making things worse and harder 275 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,280 for. It and we need to have like 276 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,360 mates that you can offload to like we talked about last week. 277 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:13,040 We hold it in a bit more. Yeah, you're a pressure cooker. 278 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,840 So I would deal with it by showing vulnerability to your 279 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:24,400 partner, share how you feel, get it out there very quickly. 280 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,520 See that you're not going to get judged by your partner. 281 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,640 Absolutely not. All she's going to do is try and 282 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,640 help you through it. And in turn, you're helping her 283 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,560 because you're actually addressing how you're feeling. 284 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,200 But you've got to go through that process. 285 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,120 You've got to go through it. I think we've all been. 286 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:42,200 I need to keep this to myself and just crack on, otherwise, 287 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,040 yeah, I may have a bit of a meltdown. 288 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,520 Yeah, and I think we've all been guilty of it, but that's 100% my 289 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,880 learnings at the other end of it are show vulnerability, share 290 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:50,800 your feelings. But you. 291 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:51,640 You. Yeah, if you. 292 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,640 Join the Discord and share it with us. 293 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,040 Absolutely. But at the same time, yeah, if, 294 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,960 if you'll, you know, you're sleep deprived, you're still 295 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,240 getting up, you're still expected to perform at work. 296 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,280 You go there. Yeah. 297 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,720 You come back. There's no respite unless the 298 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,680 only respite you get is if you drop that text. 299 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,120 Do you need anything from Tesco on the way home to see you can 300 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,760 have 15 minutes walking around before to to kind of so like. 301 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,120 Decompression. Decompress before you you step 302 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,080 into another kind of, I'm going to say war zone, but you know 303 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,320 what I mean in terms of the the stress and everything else like 304 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:20,440 that. Well, I say you've. 305 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,840 Probably got a partner that's been with a child all day. 306 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,640 Yeah. I say when people join the 307 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,840 Discord of the Facebook group, I say like, welcome to the Mad 308 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:27,880 House because that's what it's like. 309 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,520 It's it's like a war zone. And people don't see it, you're 310 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,720 quite unless you're physically living this life. 311 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,120 Like you can have mates that are so empathetic and I've had 312 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,200 friends going off. We can do anything. 313 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,360 You let us know. Yeah. 314 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,360 Yeah. It's unfortunately you probably 315 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,800 can't. No, you probably can't. 316 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,520 In the best will of the world. It's appreciated, but you 317 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,560 probably can't. And the like, the other thing 318 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,600 here, like obviously, you know, I'm assuming, like he said, we'd 319 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,160 work and, and burn out and stuff like that. 320 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:01,920 The other thing that I think is easy to forget is let's say in 321 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,240 a, in a traditional setup, because one of the parents maybe 322 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,400 can't work because someone needs to be there for the, for the kid 323 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,280 to send them off to school and to get them back from school and 324 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:14,160 stuff like that. When a man is at work all day, 325 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,200 yes, they've got the break from the very difficult situation at 326 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,720 home, they've got a break from that, but they are still for 8 327 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:28,560 hours a day answering to someone else and having to do things on 328 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,360 time, respond to clients. Like it's not like they're 329 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,440 chilling out. You have got a structure at work 330 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,600 and you have got things and protocols you have to follow and 331 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,040 you are answering to someone all day. 332 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:43,760 So I get it. I get that feeling of needing a 333 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,440 little bit of space and worrying about burn out. 334 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,600 But again, if you don't show kind of vulnerability with your 335 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:53,880 partner, like it's more likely that burnout's going to happen 336 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,520 and that you are going to pop at some point. 337 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,400 Yeah, it's a classic. You you do have to try and talk 338 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,160 to somebody, yeah. And if not, I mean, I know I was 339 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,960 joking before, but if if not, like join, join one of our 340 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,240 groups or any other so many groups on Facebook. 341 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,840 Join these groups and just talk to other people, talk to other 342 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:13,200 dads, even talk to other mums. That's been quite good to see is 343 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,880 where men are coming in, talking to women and the women are 344 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:21,240 advising the men on what their wife might be thinking and 345 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,720 feeling and that kind of changes the perspective for them a bit. 346 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,000 Yeah, especially in the early years, it's extremely. 347 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,520 Difficult. Extremely difficult. 348 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:28,880 Everyone's still trying to settle in. 349 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,320 And then you'd want to try and find a bit of a rhythm. 350 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,040 And it's, we've said this to like mums and dads, it's, it's 351 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,840 if you can just find that one thing, you know, if it's once a 352 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,680 week, a couple of times a week, that you're able just to do 353 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:45,480 something for you, whether, you know, a lot of guys will go, oh, 354 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,400 you know, just get yourself in the gym. 355 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,880 Yeah, if that's your thing, Get yourself in the gym. 356 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,600 Take 45 minutes to yourself a couple of nights a week if you 357 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,240 can, or early mornings if you get the chance. 358 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:57,520 Fishing, football on a Sunday, whatever your thing is. 359 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,200 Whatever your thing is, yeah. And the same for the mums. 360 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:03,440 You know, it can be absolutely anything, you know, just 361 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,160 something for yourself. And that that is important. 362 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,440 Isn't it the same just for the dads? 363 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:11,560 The mums also need one as. Well, your entire existence is 364 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:15,640 SEM parent, your identity is SEM parent, everything else like 365 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,119 that. And sometimes the early, the 366 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,240 early days, you feel like you're losing yourself as well. 367 00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:22,480 And then you start looking at the future, going this is my 368 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:23,240 life. Now is it? 369 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,480 And then you just go, once you start having those negative 370 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,120 thoughts, you know, you start, your brain will just go bang, 371 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,800 bang, bang. It'll take you all the way down. 372 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:35,120 Yeah, 100% right. Next one question three. 373 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:39,920 What's the golden hope you have as adulthood? 374 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,680 What's the golden hope you have as adult? 375 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:45,320 Hood and possible social care supports kick in from any 376 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,720 support provider. Golden hope, Oh. 377 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:52,200 My God, you could. Tell we haven't read these 378 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,800 before, haven't you Golden Hope you have as adulthood and. 379 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,680 I mean, the golden one would be the. 380 00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,920 Social Care. Lydia would be able to live. 381 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,280 Like independent living kind of things. 382 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:07,440 Some sort of independent assisted living, have a quality 383 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:13,640 of life, an understanding of the environment and I suppose more 384 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:17,280 most importantly, not to keep harping back to that what 385 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:21,360 happens when we're not here, but it's just surrounded by people 386 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:25,640 that love and genuinely care for her, I think is the absolute 387 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:31,040 golden hope that I can have and that the social care provided is 388 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,760 matches that. Yeah, again, like we, like you 389 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,120 think about some form of independent living. 390 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,920 Like I can't fathom that. But again, Thomas is 6. 391 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,240 Yeah. Do you know what I mean? 392 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:48,480 Yeah, to be fair, most 6 year olds you look, how are you going 393 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,600 to survive? Six, You know, and I always harp 394 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,320 on about not underestimating your kids. 395 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,240 Like, we have no idea what they're going to be like by the 396 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,400 time it comes to some potential independent living. 397 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:01,680 And these kids, they really do surprise their parents a lot of 398 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,400 the time, don't they? Again, we see it on that, you 399 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,880 know, love on the spectrum. Yeah. 400 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:07,880 And some of the parents get interviewed and they talk about, 401 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,080 like, their kids when they were younger, and they're absolutely 402 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:11,680 blown away. Yeah. 403 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,960 Non verbals. Suddenly you. 404 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,480 Know communicating? Yeah. 405 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,680 Non-stop talking. So yeah, you never know what's 406 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,040 going to happen, but that mate, that's perfect. 407 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,760 Yeah, that's perfect. Excellent. 408 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,920 OK, another question, more of a philosophical question. 409 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,120 Lower expectations is often endemic for the view of 410 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:35,760 children, adults with autism. How can we overcome this? 411 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:40,200 This to view, see, build and apply better everything for this 412 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:47,480 wonderful community. So yeah, how do we overcome low 413 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,280 expectations for these children? Yeah, we've talked about lows, 414 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:55,120 haven't we? Like you have low expectations 415 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,080 because it's almost a defence mechanism, don't you? 416 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,480 Because you you think your kids autistic and then you have all 417 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,440 these ideas, ideas of what this means. 418 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,360 You don't know how huge the spectrum is. 419 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:10,640 So again, you get all these stereotypical ideas of Rain Man. 420 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,000 I know I always use an actual example. 421 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,080 That's because the only one that's kind of the main one 422 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,240 everybody used to consider when they thought about autism, 423 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,000 wasn't it? So yeah, I think low, low 424 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:25,560 expectations are endemic, but. You don't have to look around 425 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,120 for long and you can very quickly see that a lot of these 426 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:33,400 kids, they absolutely blow people away with what they're 427 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,600 capable of doing. I think as a parent, you can be 428 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,080 guilty of this as well, can't you? 429 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:39,480 You can. I think I, I did in the early 430 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:44,080 days is when it became more obvious that Lydia was or he's 431 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,800 autistic. You start sort of having that, 432 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,560 that level that you think they will achieve. 433 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,400 And then I brought it down a notch going, OK, she's non 434 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,040 verbal, but maybe she'll speak in the future. 435 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,280 Then, you know, as as time went on, I was like, OK, she might 436 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,080 never be verbal. So I keep lowering the bar, 437 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,840 lowering the bar and that's more kind of self preservation, 438 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:08,960 trying to check my expectations so I don't start getting upsets 439 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,960 or, you know, over emotional about what the future is going 440 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,440 to be like for her. But then as you say, you set it 441 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,160 low and then all of a sudden they do something crazy. 442 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:22,520 You're like, wow, OK. But then the risk is that you 443 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:28,360 set the bar so low that sometimes you can be complacent, 444 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,920 that you think, OK, well, I don't need to do this because 445 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:34,280 they're never going to pick it up. 446 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:35,320 They're never going to. Get it? 447 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,760 But it's the wrong mindset because as we know, they are 448 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,440 sponges. And I think like where we said 449 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,680 low expectations are endemic on the view of of children and 450 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:49,120 adults with ASD. I actually think for for people 451 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:53,920 that know nothing about ASD, the expectations are actually quite 452 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,960 high. They assume that these kids are 453 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:58,720 capable. They're. 454 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,360 Going to be a mass genius. Like if so many things or when 455 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,080 someone says autistic, they just think, oh, that means you're a 456 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,080 little bit quirky. You're a. 457 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,640 Little bit quirky, but you're going to be really good at 458 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,160 science and maths and coding and everything else like that. 459 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,800 I think as far as they're low expectations, it's us as parents 460 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,800 that that have that for the most. 461 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:19,480 Yeah, and we've seen it recently again with kind of the media and 462 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,400 some of the posts that have been going up during the white paper 463 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,840 that the the expectations are that these children are just 464 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,680 going to suck the money out of hard working families and 465 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:33,200 everything else like that. So yeah, I think it needs a 466 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,960 change of mindset of everybody. It does. 467 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,960 It does. More awareness it does from 468 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:39,000 neurotypical. And and that's government, 469 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:43,080 that's parents as well as the, the, the wider society. 470 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,800 And again, like, if if you have low expectations, you don't push 471 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,520 your kids. Yeah, you don't. 472 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,800 You don't push them. And and that's kind of where 473 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,120 Thomas's surprise me is. We didn't push him. 474 00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:58,320 And then as soon as we did, he was like, oh, I can do that. 475 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,600 And we were like, oh, shit, OK, what else can you do? 476 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,040 Right. We missed one earlier. 477 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:09,840 Yeah, I'll let you do that one. There appears more done and 478 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,560 known about mums. They could be labelled as 479 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,720 difficult or intense. Why do you think dads are left 480 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,040 behind in the sphere of involvement and knowledge? 481 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:24,880 What? So is he saying that mums are 482 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,600 labelled as mums are labelled as difficult or intense? 483 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,360 Yeah, I I can understand that. Maybe mums are doing. 484 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,080 Yeah, I I can see that. They're labelled as difficult or 485 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:35,960 intense. He's not saying they are 486 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,840 difficult or intense, he's just saying they're labelled that 487 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:42,520 way. Maybe that's because mums are 488 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:47,880 doing, especially early on, the vast majority of this work. 489 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,440 So they're the ones taking on the burden of a lot of this 490 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,760 because a lot of dads, I'm sorry, but that is the, that's 491 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,040 just the way it is, guys. We, we are fucking idiots. 492 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,720 They're taking on the burden for a lot of this. 493 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,000 So they're taking a lot of the workload. 494 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,280 And yeah, do you know what? If I was carrying all of the 495 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,400 workload, I'd probably be difficult and I'd definitely be 496 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,960 a bit intense. Yeah, you you know how fiercely 497 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:10,920 mums will fight for their. Children. 498 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:14,080 Lionesses. Do you know, and, And again, 499 00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:17,520 this could be the case and it's it's not meant to come across as 500 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,800 a sexist comment or anything else. 501 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,480 Oh, here we. Go Oh God, what's he going to 502 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,400 say? Mums are the ones that go on 503 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:32,240 maternity leave and then if they've had a job, they are 504 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,560 sometimes more likely to go. I'm going to come back as 505 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:35,840 reduced hours. I'm going to be more of a 506 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,760 caregiver at home. Dad's going to go. 9 times out 507 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,400 of 10, I'm going to carry on working because we don't have 508 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,280 the luxury of just both of us go in, we're never going to work. 509 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,520 It's absolutely fine. At the end of the day, everyone 510 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:50,120 tries to work their absolute asses off. 511 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,360 She's got no choice. But you know, probably 512 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:57,200 traditionally or whatever, mums are the caregivers in that 513 00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:00,400 sense. Mums then are the ones going 514 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,680 right. I need to look at this. 515 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,280 I'm noticing things with my child. 516 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:08,000 I need to contact the GPI, need to go follow this paper trail. 517 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,240 I need to answer this. I've got to look at nursery 518 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,480 schools. So mum's become taking on that 519 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,440 role of absolute lioness, as you said, going right. 520 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,600 We need to figure this out. Yeah, us dads are going. 521 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,040 All right. I'll be back at about 536. 522 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,400 Let us know what's going on. Yeah. 523 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,760 It's like, do you need me to do anything? 524 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,560 Yeah. And then we'll try and get the 525 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:31,080 little one down, have some food and then I I better get my head 526 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:32,480 down because we've got work in the morning. 527 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:37,400 So mums are probably doing the vast majority, I'd say probably, 528 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,880 yeah, they are doing the vast majority of, of, of this work 529 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,080 here. And dads are kind of like, 530 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:44,840 right, how do I get involved now? 531 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:48,320 And we probably get involved when the mums had enough and 532 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,120 it's just reached their wits end and gone. 533 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:54,400 Oh, can you sort this out or, or dads go And I've been guilty of 534 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:55,880 this, Yeah. Let me know if you want me to 535 00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:00,080 run my eye over it or something along those lines there. 536 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,720 It's like even with like typical kids, it's like when dad's dad's 537 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,120 are like babysitting and everyone goes on social media 538 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,960 like, oh look, you're amazing. You're looking after the kid and 539 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,760 it's like it's fucking his kid. What are you? 540 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:15,400 All about all the meme where at Christmas when the kids opens up 541 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,480 the present and it's the first time their dad's seen it as 542 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:18,840 well. He's like trying not to look. 543 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,400 Yeah, trying not to look surprised. 544 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,000 But again, you know, hopefully hasn't. 545 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,440 It's been taken in a sense it was not as a. 546 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:25,440 Sexual. No, I'm sure it was mate. 547 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,480 It is, you know, mums are doing the vast majority of that early 548 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,400 work. So yeah, dads do get left 549 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,560 behind. But there comes a point where I 550 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,560 think for me personally as well, once I got myself out of that 551 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:40,400 limbo stage of like, is she, isn't she? 552 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:42,960 You know, all the self pity, everything else like that. 553 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,320 I've become very pragmatic and gone do you know what? 554 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,640 It's your kid. You got to fucking fight for 555 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:50,480 them and do what you can, get them the help they need or the 556 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,960 support. Then you come a bit more, right. 557 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,240 OK, where are we? Up to everything else like that 558 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,680 Or you're the person that goes right. 559 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,160 You need to put the size elevens on and and contact somebody. 560 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,280 Yeah, I'm happy to do that, whatever the case may be. 561 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:06,760 So it could be one of those. So yeah, I mean, like he said, 562 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:10,000 why Dad left beyond in this fear of involvement, I kind of think 563 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,160 a lot of that is on us. Yeah, I think so. 564 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,680 The information, the the same information is out there for 565 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,320 mums and dads. It is not behind some sort of 566 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,160 paywall that only mums have access to. 567 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,480 We all have access to it. Lydia's mum very, very good at 568 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:27,320 sending me reels, information directing me to stuff. 569 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,520 Autism related. Autism related? 570 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:30,560 Yeah, absolutely. What's? 571 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:33,440 This funny video. But all the all the autism 572 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,720 stuff, you know, look at this, read this. 573 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,120 And then there'd be times where I just so overloaded. 574 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,880 I'd just be like, I haven't got time to look at a 32nd clip. 575 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,600 And it's obviously the mum going look, you need to look at this. 576 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,440 I want you to be part of this or I'm struggling and you know, Oh 577 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:54,240 no, I can't look at that. But at some point you just a 578 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,200 switch goes and you're just very much like, right, I need to do 579 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:58,880 something about this. And the vast majority of dads 580 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:03,320 we've met I think now are very much involved. 581 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,640 Well, we look at the dad's, the dad's WhatsApp group. 582 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,520 We've what's the youngest kid in there? 583 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,000 Is it? Is it Lydia I? 584 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:12,440 Think it might be Lydia, Yeah. Lydia at five. 585 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,960 Yeah. And the kids then range up to 11 586 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:16,240 years old, everything in between. 587 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,360 All those dads, once they've reached that age, are like, 588 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,400 they're almost like subjects experts to a certain degree on 589 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,040 their kids and what's going on in their lives. 590 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:27,520 And the, the, the autistic traits or neurodiversity traits 591 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,040 they have, they're very much like. 592 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:30,920 Right. And they'll offer advice. 593 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,320 Try this, we experienced this. Go down here, don't forget to 594 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,120 apply for that, but don't tell you about it. 595 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,160 But you need to actually get this application in here as 596 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:40,920 well. So there comes a point where you 597 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:46,720 go from novice to professional. It's how long it takes you to 598 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:50,360 get there. Yeah, so dads just need to 599 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:54,080 fucking step up, basically. That's why things are as they 600 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:55,680 are at the moment, because we're not doing that enough. 601 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,960 Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. 602 00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,480 I think we've had this question before. 603 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,000 You know, everyone's got an opinion on it, but do you think 604 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,880 the UK should adopt the American structure and give neuro diverse 605 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:10,400 levels IEG such as level 1 autism, level 2 autism, Level 3 606 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,920 autism? Would parents back it because it 607 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,880 could help professionals in school quickly identify your 608 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,680 children's needs? Or would parents oppose it as a 609 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:22,040 label or try to manipulate the levels to access higher 610 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,160 supports? From there, one of our dads, 611 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:28,080 Andy there. It's kind of personal 612 00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:29,320 preference. This one isn't it for me. 613 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:30,600 I would like something like that. 614 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,200 And again, from kind of the position we've been in where 615 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,160 people are trying to have said this before ad nauseam, when 616 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,400 people are trying to explain to us quickly roughly what level 617 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:41,880 they're at, where their kid is, it's very simple. 618 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,920 Especially the guys in America, when they just say my child's 619 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,200 level 2 autistic, I very quickly have an understanding roughly of 620 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:52,760 where they are. I think that's very handy, but I 621 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:55,880 understand on the flip side of that, there's a lot of parents 622 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,640 that are very resistant to the idea of putting a strict label 623 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:03,840 on it. And children can move between 624 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:04,800 levels. Yeah, they can. 625 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:08,680 They can move between levels and I don't think the level itself, 626 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:13,440 but the the badge, I don't think it's there. 627 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:15,440 Correct me if I'm wrong. Anyone in America listening to 628 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,240 this? I don't think it's there. 629 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:20,760 Just to say this is all you're allowed to have. 630 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:23,800 I don't know, might be wrong in terms of this is all you're 631 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:25,720 qualified to have as far, yeah, as far as existence is 632 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:26,680 concerned. Because then you'll get the 633 00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:28,840 people that are just between levels there, that's. 634 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,280 The problem, that's what I would have a problem I'm you're 635 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,640 pointing level 2 to. Three, I'll try and get 636 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:36,480 reassessed, reassessed to trying to get and. 637 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:40,200 Trying to get to Level 3. I suppose once you get the 638 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:43,680 levels, then any authority government can then say, well, 639 00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:47,360 it's in now, but oh, we're going to now use it to dictate what's 640 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,160 oh, you can't have that. You're just oh, just short. 641 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:52,840 But then I suppose you would also. 642 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:57,640 And we, we've already see this now within the the adult 643 00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:03,400 autistic community is if you say I'm level 1 autistic, are you 644 00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:04,800 trying to take away my struggles? 645 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,200 Yeah, yeah. Are my struggles not as hard? 646 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,720 Level 1. And my struggle's not as hard as 647 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:12,360 somebody that's a level 2 or Level 3. 648 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,640 No, I think it was. But this, this is it though. 649 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:20,600 But I think it would you would solve some issues. 650 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,000 Yeah. And in in solving those, you 651 00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:24,480 create new issues. Yeah. 652 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,200 It's on the, it's on the on the scales of balance really, isn't 653 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:28,720 it? It's like, what? 654 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,800 What do you gain and what do you lose by doing it? 655 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:36,000 If you had it, I'd I'd, I'd quite like it purely from a a 656 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:39,440 labelling spec perspective. I wouldn't like it if it 657 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,320 restricted access to any other services if you weren't in a 658 00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:45,120 certain level. I think the idea of trying to 659 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,520 get into a level for any other reason than I'm just trying to 660 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,640 let you know where I'm at. I think that's what it'd be, 661 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:51,280 really. Grateful. 662 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:54,360 I don't like the idea of people losing access to something 663 00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:55,960 because their level isn't high enough. 664 00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:58,400 We'll only accept level 1 applications for this job, yeah. 665 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,320 Exactly. Even though you're not, that 666 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:01,880 wouldn't be the case because you can't discriminate by. 667 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:03,680 But do you know what I mean? If you start seeing on 668 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:06,000 applications like Oh. You're level 2. 669 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,280 You're a bit too. Autistic goodness me, yeah. 670 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:12,520 Is that it for the dads? No, I think there's one more, is 671 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:12,800 there? Oh. 672 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:15,560 Yes. Do other dads feel guilty when 673 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:19,640 they're working away, wanting to call home to check in, knowing 674 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,560 all they're going to do is hit chaos down the phone and feeling 675 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:25,040 bad they aren't there to help? Totally get that. 676 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:29,880 Totally appreciate that. I know this is yeah. 677 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:32,160 What do you reckon? Yeah, it's 100% real. 678 00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:40,560 That's 100% real. I remember being at work and 679 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,760 then just I should really touch base here. 680 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:45,960 Drop a message. How's everything going at home? 681 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:49,680 Yeah, it's a fucking shit show. It's absolutely horrendous. 682 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:51,640 She's done this. She won't do this. 683 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,360 She's refusing to eat. Everything's chaos. 684 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,520 Someone needs to walk the dog. I haven't got time to do it. 685 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:58,880 OK, and then what do I say to that? 686 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,440 OK, no problem to us. I'll be back in about 5 hours. 687 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:04,360 Yeah, exactly. And. 688 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:08,080 You've got this. And this guy works working on 689 00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,880 the other side of the country. So it's not like, listen, I'll 690 00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:14,000 pop back on my dinner break. It's like I can't do anything. 691 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:16,720 I can't do anything. So yeah, it's like that, that 692 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:20,600 feeling of if I don't call. You at all? 693 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:22,920 I'm a Dick head. I'm a Dick head because I'm not 694 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:27,320 even asking how you are, but if I do I can hear chaos. 695 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,160 You're probably a bit naggy with me because you're going through 696 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:34,800 it, which we all understand, and I can't do anything to help you 697 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:38,080 and. Then this is a cycle with with 698 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:41,320 dads then, isn't it? Or you know, it's like I can't 699 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:43,840 do anything to help. I thought, absolutely shit, I 700 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:46,600 know I do. As soon as I'm back Friday, I'll 701 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:48,440 just be full on hands on. Let me do everything. 702 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:52,800 Let me do everything just to give your partner a break and 703 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:55,960 then you don't recuperate, you don't recover, and then before 704 00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:57,080 you know it, after. You work again on Monday. 705 00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:57,800 You're. Back to work on. 706 00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:58,880 Monday, especially if you're working away. 707 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,720 Yeah, yeah, probably driving. And the cycle starts again. 708 00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:04,480 And on a Sunday night, probably. So just on a Sunday driving, 709 00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,520 yeah. You don't even have time to 710 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,600 actually do anything as a as a couple. 711 00:34:08,639 --> 00:34:11,120 You're just surviving. And then it's back to work. 712 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:12,280 Back to the grind. Yeah. 713 00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:14,960 Back to feeling guilty. Yeah. 714 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:16,800 Yeah, it's a very real thing. That's a tough one. 715 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:21,120 But what I would say is I'd have a conversation about that. 716 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,800 I think I'd say, listen, I really want to call you. 717 00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,760 I want to call you. I'm checking in because I care 718 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:28,080 about you. I don't care about how you're 719 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,679 getting on. Please don't lose your shit with 720 00:34:30,679 --> 00:34:32,239 me. I'm doing my best. 721 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,520 You know, if you could have that conversation. 722 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,639 Yeah, I think, I think that's good because they'd. 723 00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:39,400 Appreciate the call. The only bit of advice I give 724 00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:43,880 with that is make sure it's not a WhatsApp video call and you're 725 00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:49,199 sat in the bar. Yeah, it's so difficult here, 726 00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:53,360 but yeah, well, that's the dad's questions. 727 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:54,239 Done. That's a dad's. 728 00:34:54,639 --> 00:34:57,240 That's the dad's done. 7 questions. 729 00:34:57,240 --> 00:34:59,240 Let's see how different they are to Mum's questions. 730 00:34:59,240 --> 00:35:01,880 Yes, and there's 17 from the mums. 731 00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:03,840 Goodness me. Right. 732 00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:06,520 So quite well, this is kind of what we just talked about. 733 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:08,880 Why is it that mums end up doing all the research into the kids 734 00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:11,800 diagnosis characteristics and common issues and then having to 735 00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:14,040 teach it all to their partners? Is this common? 736 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:18,280 Why do we think it happens? Yes, it is very, very common. 737 00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:22,640 Yeah, yeah, it's, it's 100. Percent Sorry, it's a. 100% 738 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:25,200 common and thank goodness the mums are out there because 739 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:28,600 otherwise no one would do it. So whoever sent this, tell your 740 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:31,800 fella he's not the only one. Yeah, don't, don't give him a 741 00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:33,200 hard time. He's just a normal dad. 742 00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:36,120 Probably crack him, crack open a beer for him as well. 743 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:38,560 Yeah, yeah. Crack open a beer for him and. 744 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:41,080 Tell him he'll be OK and just. Tell him everything's going to 745 00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:41,520 be all. Right. 746 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:48,280 No, it's as we said before, mums, you're, you're just 747 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:54,280 fucking awesome. Very pragmatic, they just get on 748 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:55,680 with it. They usually spot it early. 749 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:57,000 I know you actually did in your case. 750 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,560 They spot it sooner and they get cracking. 751 00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,360 What I would say is once a dad's accepted it, I think it's the 752 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:04,840 acceptance is the issue. It was. 753 00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:06,560 It was for me, yeah. Once you accept. 754 00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:10,360 It once I accept it, like you go through your head, you know, 755 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,800 you, you mentioned kind of pragmatic dads in other aspects 756 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:14,600 of lives that are pragmatic. OK, there's a problem. 757 00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:16,320 How do I fix it? OK, we'll go around and fix it. 758 00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:18,360 Some DIY needs doing. Yeah. 759 00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:20,440 OK, I'll do it. Even though it might be shit, 760 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:21,720 you'll still attempt to try and fix it. 761 00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:25,640 With autism. You're racking your brain going, 762 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:27,600 how do I fix this? Yeah, what can I do? 763 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:30,200 And you, you, you. You probably don't realise this, 764 00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:34,920 but a lot of dads will do things like write. 765 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,080 Everyone's asleep. I've got a spare. 766 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:37,120 Moment. Yes, that's. 767 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:40,800 What I I'm like on YouTube here, signs of autism, autism traits, 768 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:42,960 going on to Google everything else like that. 769 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:45,440 And all that was desperately trying to find that it wasn't 770 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:46,800 that thing. Yeah, it was trying to rule out 771 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:47,360 autism. You're. 772 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:48,880 Looking at autism videos, hoping it's. 773 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:50,520 Not autism. And I've given a story earlier 774 00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:53,520 on about thinking Lydia was deaf as opposed to autistic and then 775 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:55,600 having a Eureka mode. Yeah, absolutely. 776 00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:56,800 And then that came crashing down. 777 00:36:57,240 --> 00:36:59,840 So we are probably looking at stuff, but we're not sharing. 778 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:06,400 But mums very much like right, OK, I need to do this now I need 779 00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,760 to do that now I need to get on on and sort this problem out and 780 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:12,680 dads, we we don't get on board straight away. 781 00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:14,920 No. I always I think about what the 782 00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:18,160 best way to approach. Everyone's different, we're all 783 00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:22,080 different. But I wonder if hinting at 784 00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:25,640 something, if you're the mum and you think OK, I'm 100% sure that 785 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:29,440 this kids autistic. I wonder if if like if with me, 786 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:34,440 if Miss should like she was like hinting and stuff like that, if 787 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,880 that would get my back up more than if she went. 788 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,720 We need to chat. We need to have a conversation 789 00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:41,000 and we sat down. Don't hint. 790 00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:43,080 No, I think. I think we have more. 791 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:45,720 Don't, don't hint. Because if you, you give a hint 792 00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:48,240 and we're not ready to accept it, We we know it's a hint, 793 00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:49,760 we'll bloody ignore it. Yeah. 794 00:37:50,240 --> 00:37:52,200 We'll, we'll, we'll focus on something else. 795 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,560 That's it. I think it's like, I think for, 796 00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:59,240 for all of this stuff to happen, accepting the diagnosis and the 797 00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,680 the, the characteristics and common issues and all that 798 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:05,800 research that gets done, if you haven't 100% accepted that 799 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:09,160 that's what it is, you're not going to do that because one or 800 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,080 two things are going to happen. You're either going to be like 801 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:15,960 we've just said, researching it to prove that it isn't, or 802 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,000 you're not going to research it because you don't want to find 803 00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:22,240 out that it is. So it depends on the kind of 804 00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:24,920 personality you are. I was, I was the one that was 805 00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:26,240 looking because I was hoping it wasn't going. 806 00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:29,280 To be yeah, I was like 1:00 in the morning just like, what is 807 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:30,160 this? Yeah, this wasn't fucking 808 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:31,720 autism, right? This is something else. 809 00:38:31,720 --> 00:38:32,920 And obviously. And everything. 810 00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:36,000 I saw everything. Pointed Yeah, it was going kids 811 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:36,800 autistic. Yeah. 812 00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,280 And you, unfortunately, yeah, you're going to have to teach 813 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,480 your partners. Yeah. 814 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,960 Yeah, yeah. Or at least initially go, this 815 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:47,240 is what it is. Here's some stuff you need to 816 00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:52,680 watch and it love to everybody out there. 817 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:56,280 If if you're not putting the work in and you have accepted it 818 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,880 and you're consciously not putting the work in, sort your 819 00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:01,960 shit out. Yeah, get a grip, because it's 820 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:04,880 not your partner's job. Whichever way around this is, 821 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:06,680 it's not your partner's job to do all the work. 822 00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,560 This is why we do this. We get stuck in, isn't it? 823 00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:15,120 The whole point of starting this podcast almost a year ago is, is 824 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:18,960 to get dads on board? Yeah, is because a lot of dads 825 00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:20,160 didn't realise because we weren't. 826 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:25,040 Yeah, yeah, the other dads going through the same thing and 827 00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:26,960 spread a bit of awareness and get more dads going. 828 00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:28,520 Right. Shit. 829 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,440 Yeah, exactly. My life is going. 830 00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:32,800 To be different. It's going to be different. 831 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:35,920 If it's not over. It's absolutely no, absolutely 832 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,640 not. It's going to be different. 833 00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:39,720 Yeah. It's still your kid. 834 00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:42,320 But get to the point where it's a bit like put your big boy 835 00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:44,040 pants on. Oh, 100%. 836 00:39:44,240 --> 00:39:47,600 There comes a point where you, you, and in all honestly, some 837 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:49,200 dads probably need a good slap across the face. 838 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,320 And just go look. Wake the fuck up. 839 00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:54,200 Wake the fuck up now. Your kid needs you. 840 00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:55,880 Stop this. Why me? 841 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,960 What have I done wrong? I hate everybody. 842 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:01,320 Why is my life so shit? Why do I get dealt with this 843 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:03,120 hand? Do you know what it's done? 844 00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:06,120 Get on with it. Do the best you can for your. 845 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:07,520 Kid. And yeah, the best you can for 846 00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,440 your kid. The fact that all the things 847 00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:13,440 that make us disappointed that we've got an autistic child just 848 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:16,320 get worse if you don't act on the fact that you've got an 849 00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:18,200 autistic child. Yeah, 100%. 850 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:20,400 Just act on it. Learn what you gotta learn and 851 00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,320 get on board. You could be the best. 852 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:25,240 Get on board and give them an actual shot of reaching their 853 00:40:25,240 --> 00:40:26,200 full potential. Exactly. 854 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:30,360 Otherwise, they're going to come a point where it's too late. 855 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,520 Yeah, it's too late. And then what you're going to 856 00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:34,720 do, they sit there and go, oh, I could have done more. 857 00:40:34,720 --> 00:40:36,600 I could. Which is what words are fucking 858 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:37,520 cheap. Yeah, don't get there. 859 00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:38,720 Yeah. Don't be one of those people 860 00:40:38,720 --> 00:40:40,320 that goes, oh, I could have done more. 861 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,280 No, you can do fucking more. Start. 862 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,120 Now and the early years are the best time to do it. 863 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:46,200 That's the time to do it. Don't start making it about you 864 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,760 again. Yeah, wake up, get it sorted. 865 00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:51,360 Yeah, 100%. And we all know there's there's 866 00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:54,040 there's certain. You know, it seems to be 867 00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:55,840 particularly dads. But there are dads out there 868 00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:57,280 that still won't accept it. No, I know. 869 00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:58,080 Yeah. They'll just go. 870 00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:00,360 No, no, I'm not. No, My kids, fine. 871 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:05,040 Nothing wrong with my kid. Your kids like just lined up 50 872 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:09,160 cars in a row in colour order, still see it in manufacture, 873 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:10,480 still see it dates and everything else. 874 00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:13,800 Like bump into people and you're like, yeah, you know, and, and 875 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:16,480 they're like super duper autistic and, and you kind of 876 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,200 have a conversation. Oh, you know, they, they think 877 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:21,960 you might have a little bit of autism and you're like, OK, So 878 00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:24,640 what, what school in in this case, you're not like this kid 879 00:41:24,640 --> 00:41:26,960 needs specialty school and like, no, we don't want him to go to a 880 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:28,960 specialty school. He's he's gonna go to mainstream 881 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:31,440 because so we can like grow out of it and you're like, fuck. 882 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:33,480 You'll grow out of it. Like, all right. 883 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:35,400 Yeah. And if you're one of them dads, 884 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:36,800 like, just give your head a wobble. 885 00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:39,160 Yeah, give your head a wobble and do the best for your kid 886 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:40,680 rather than yourself. Yeah, exactly. 887 00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:46,600 Yeah, next one. Okay 2 #2 how it's best to 888 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:49,640 support our husbands and partners after our child is 889 00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:51,560 diagnosed. So crack open a beer. 890 00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:53,280 Crack open a beer. Stroke them. 891 00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:54,680 Yeah, just. Stroke them. 892 00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:55,720 Like this? Oh. 893 00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:57,520 Say it's OK, darling, it's going to be OK. 894 00:41:58,440 --> 00:42:00,320 Do you know just? His brain's not broken, he's 895 00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:04,040 just autistic. Yeah, God, best way to support 896 00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:05,880 them. It's most of these questions 897 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:08,160 about, I've already read them. I bet all the ones off mum's 898 00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:10,000 going to be like, yeah, can you help me? 899 00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:11,800 My husband's an actually fucking moron. 900 00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:17,400 Yeah, jeez, best way to support them. 901 00:42:18,240 --> 00:42:21,760 I think it's just it's sometimes it's give them space. 902 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,520 Why is it the mum's asking how they could support the dad? 903 00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:27,400 It's. Like it's like, why isn't this a 904 00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:30,280 reciprocal? Like it's the mum's going, it's 905 00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:32,000 fine, I'll do all the supporting in this. 906 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:34,920 Position I'll do the the caregiving role for everybody in 907 00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:36,800 the house, yeah, including you and. 908 00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,400 Then start me perhaps? Yeah, dear me, I do know what if 909 00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,720 if I'm looking at this seriously and we. 910 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:48,240 We've got, yeah, I think, yeah, there's an element of work out. 911 00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:52,040 When's the right time to give space to get their head round 912 00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:53,800 it? Obviously let's hope dads don't 913 00:42:53,800 --> 00:42:59,360 take the piss too much. But at the same time it's just 914 00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:02,480 be open for a very frank conversation. 915 00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:06,000 But I think, but I think also layout that you're going to 916 00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:09,200 have, we need to have a really, really frank conversation now. 917 00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:13,440 It's not going to be pleasant. No, it's it's something we we 918 00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:15,120 both never thought we were going to have to do. 919 00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:18,120 Yeah, All right. Let's make a promise that we 920 00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:21,360 don't overreact. Yes, Take it too personally. 921 00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:24,160 That's what happens now. We don't do finger pointing. 922 00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:26,320 We're not going to talk. About it, yeah, We've got a 923 00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:28,920 child that is autistic or potentially autistic or 924 00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,080 neurodiverse. Yeah, we need to talk about 925 00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:35,520 this, get used to it, but also let's get a game plan. 926 00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:39,320 Yeah, moving forward, Let's not just stay in this kind of 927 00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:42,680 perpetual going round. We're dodging the question. 928 00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:44,120 We're not having a full conversation. 929 00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:45,160 We're just having snippets of it. 930 00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:48,680 And then, you know, you book out some time and sit down and get 931 00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,560 everybody on board. Yeah, like our child is 932 00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:55,200 autistic, OK, Yeah, we we've got lots of stuff we need to do. 933 00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:57,280 Yeah. But until you accept the fact 934 00:43:57,280 --> 00:44:01,440 that our child has autism, they can't be the best they can be. 935 00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:05,720 Yeah, I need you to accept this because that is reality. 936 00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,280 Like it's just going to be that, like that black and white. 937 00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:14,320 And I would I would also say because I know what men are 938 00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:17,440 like, having been one for many years. 939 00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:23,920 So experienced. Is as a dad, when you have that 940 00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:27,280 conversation, focus your attention on your child. 941 00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:30,240 Yeah, not yourself. Not yourself and don't get 942 00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:34,360 sidetracked down little rabbit holes like you do when you're 943 00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:38,280 scrolling on Instagram or YouTube about, oh, what has 944 00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:41,920 caused the autism and then go down conspiracy theories or 945 00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:43,800 stuff like that. No, no, don't worry about all of 946 00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:47,680 that stuff right now. Focus on your kid and getting a 947 00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:51,240 game plan in place, looking at the HCPS, looking at the right 948 00:44:51,240 --> 00:44:54,640 care education, getting in touch with, you know, therapies who 949 00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:56,920 can help in all all this sort of stuff that's going to be 950 00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:00,240 positive. Look at that, yeah. 951 00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,160 And make sure that's where your attention lies. 952 00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:05,680 Everything else you can wait down the line, start exploring 953 00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:07,040 that. We've got a bit more spare time 954 00:45:07,480 --> 00:45:10,040 at the moment. All your spare time should be 955 00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:12,000 absolutely 100% down. Yeah. 956 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,520 And then that will start to, you know, dissipate a little bit. 957 00:45:14,680 --> 00:45:17,520 And then you'll turn into an absolute autism parent beast. 958 00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:20,440 Yeah. And yeah, yeah, you'll be 959 00:45:20,440 --> 00:45:22,240 surprised looking back a few years on. 960 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:25,360 That's the fun you would like. And how, how like clued up you 961 00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:28,640 are now and, like, anyone want to talk about autism? 962 00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:30,400 Oh, yeah, I'm in the room. I'll talk to you about autism. 963 00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:31,320 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me tell. 964 00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:32,720 Did you? Ever see photos of yourself from 965 00:45:32,720 --> 00:45:35,440 like when it was really I mean. Not when you had like no grey 966 00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:37,760 hair and smiled. Yeah, and you were just like I I 967 00:45:38,240 --> 00:45:40,400 miss you every now and then. She'll like, send me a photo. 968 00:45:40,400 --> 00:45:41,800 She'll like, oh, you were, you were bad then. 969 00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:43,480 And she'll send me a photo. And you can tell I've either 970 00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:46,200 just been crying or I'm just exhausted or it's like something 971 00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:48,640 I'm just looking emotional. I've just got this deadpan look 972 00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,200 on my face and I just look done with life. 973 00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:55,360 And like, he sat there on me just being Thomas. 974 00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:57,760 And you just get these little snippets, don't you? 975 00:45:57,760 --> 00:45:59,200 They're like, oh, I forgot about that. 976 00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:01,720 Yeah, I just remember like it. Must have been so useless. 977 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:06,200 Yeah, same sort of photos or you, you go see your parents, 978 00:46:06,200 --> 00:46:10,200 but you're so exhausted. You just, you just completely 979 00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:11,720 deadpan. You can't even engage in 980 00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:13,800 conversation. Minimal, minimal words. 981 00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:16,240 And you're not trying to be rude. 982 00:46:16,240 --> 00:46:19,640 It's just like you've you've spent so long, you know hey I'm 983 00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:21,240 at work I need to put an image on everything. 984 00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:24,040 Okay yeah you're masking and people are going house house 985 00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:26,040 things at home and you just go well it's difficult but we're 986 00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:27,960 getting through it yeah and inside you're. 987 00:46:27,960 --> 00:46:30,080 Taking it a day to. Time you're like, absolutely. 988 00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:31,680 You want to die? Yeah, you're just like 989 00:46:31,680 --> 00:46:33,520 everywhere. And then you go to a safe space, 990 00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:34,800 like you go to family or your parents. 991 00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:36,600 You just like just let it all out. 992 00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:37,840 It's like. Autistic masking that. 993 00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:38,520 Isn't it? It is. 994 00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:40,520 It is. It's exactly what that's what 995 00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:41,400 masking is. Isn't it? 996 00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:45,440 Yeah, absolutely. Right next one, how do you 997 00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:50,200 process trauma of being labelled overly anxious by school and 998 00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:54,040 even family only to later learn your child is autistic with APDA 999 00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:57,920 profile and that your instincts were right all along? 1000 00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:02,840 PDAI always say this. PDA is one of those ones where 1001 00:47:02,840 --> 00:47:07,120 it's just you. You need to experience it to to 1002 00:47:07,120 --> 00:47:10,240 know. Because I have 0 experience with 1003 00:47:10,240 --> 00:47:13,200 PDA because I don't have a child with PDA. 1004 00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:16,640 I can only imagine what it's like because even people like me 1005 00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:19,760 will go because I've never experienced it. 1006 00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:24,720 I'm like is is it? Is it PDA is PDAA thing? 1007 00:47:24,720 --> 00:47:27,640 I mean, I know it is. It's 100% No, no, no. 1008 00:47:27,720 --> 00:47:29,680 It is a thing, obviously, but there's a pot. 1009 00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:32,080 When you haven't experienced it, it's hard to imagine what the 1010 00:47:32,080 --> 00:47:35,440 difference is between OH. PDAI think, I think in the early 1011 00:47:35,440 --> 00:47:38,640 days when I heard about it I thought, oh your kids just 1012 00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:40,360 taking the piss out. Of you, that's what I mean. 1013 00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:43,080 Your kids running, you know, toughen up a little bit, yeah. 1014 00:47:43,720 --> 00:47:47,920 Just get them to do it. 100% not, 100% not and I absolutely 1015 00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:48,800 get it. And you know. 1016 00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:52,240 So you can imagine, can't you? Like you've been labelled as 1017 00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,720 overly anxious. By again it's by people that are 1018 00:47:54,720 --> 00:47:56,560 on it, not I was going to say uneducated. 1019 00:47:56,560 --> 00:47:58,320 That's not the right word they just have no experience of. 1020 00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:00,800 It no. So if we can, if, if we can 1021 00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:04,080 admit in the kind of scenario that we're in with the podcast 1022 00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:08,640 and stuff that PDA is almost impossible to understand unless 1023 00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:13,800 you experience it, you can fully understand why a family would 1024 00:48:13,800 --> 00:48:15,240 think you're just being overly anxious. 1025 00:48:15,240 --> 00:48:20,160 Overly anxious because again, I'm only speaking about autism, 1026 00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:22,760 never mind adding the layer of PDA on top. 1027 00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:28,000 You learn what your child is like again through having to 1028 00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:33,280 make mistake after mistake after mistake and you fine-tuned it 1029 00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:36,640 over over so many years to get to the point where you can 1030 00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:39,600 actually understand the nuances, what your child needs. 1031 00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:43,360 Everything else like that. If it's PDA rewiring your brain 1032 00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:45,440 and how to how? To ask a question, how to ask a? 1033 00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,800 Question when to even bother. Yeah, having a conversation or 1034 00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:50,480 when to actually. I'm going to pull back now 1035 00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:54,400 because I know if I do this, we potentially could have a an 1036 00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:57,480 incident here. So you spent so long actually 1037 00:48:57,480 --> 00:48:59,600 getting there and then somebody's got no experience 1038 00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:03,240 with your child will say something and then you'll be in 1039 00:49:03,240 --> 00:49:06,480 neurotic or overly anxious. No, it's because I've lived like 1040 00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:08,640 this to get to this. It's taken me years to get to 1041 00:49:08,640 --> 00:49:10,560 where I am now. Don't tell me how I feel. 1042 00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:15,520 And then somebody even just making you feel like that, I can 1043 00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:19,120 only imagine how much it would annoy me if it was it was 1044 00:49:19,120 --> 00:49:21,440 happening to me or really kind of pissing me off. 1045 00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:24,560 And then everything else like. That, I mean at the at the light 1046 00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:30,200 end of that, I've had family say very early on, I know you've had 1047 00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:33,320 the same. They're not autistic, they're 1048 00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:34,640 just, they're just a bit delayed. 1049 00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:39,440 That pissed me off. So if that pisses me off, I 1050 00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:46,320 can't imagine what that's like. No, like PDA, it's like this. 1051 00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:49,680 It feels like, again, I've not experienced it. 1052 00:49:49,680 --> 00:49:55,280 It feels like you're in a world where you think you're going mad 1053 00:49:55,840 --> 00:50:00,680 because absolutely everyone else is thinking you're mad because 1054 00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:03,800 they can't see what you see. Everyone else sees your kids 1055 00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:06,200 being a shit head because he's just refusing to do stuff. 1056 00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:08,400 But you know that that is not reality. 1057 00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:13,400 I mean totally bonkers. Absolutely. 1058 00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:15,320 I'll be losing my mind and. Then you're having to live 2 1059 00:50:15,320 --> 00:50:17,040 lives. You've got a couple of kids, 1060 00:50:17,160 --> 00:50:20,600 one's got PDA, 1 hasn't. Oh, and then you have to justify 1061 00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:23,000 to the other kid why you're taking a different approach to 1062 00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:24,240 the child that's got PDA. How come? 1063 00:50:24,360 --> 00:50:25,720 How come they're not being made and then? 1064 00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:27,720 The neurotypical kid, you know, if they've done something 1065 00:50:27,720 --> 00:50:30,280 naughty, you're just very no sort that out now that's 1066 00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:32,200 unacceptable and to the other one you're completely different. 1067 00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:35,680 You're like but I've I've got to explain to another child who 1068 00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:39,480 might not quite get it and and you're just constantly plate 1069 00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:41,080 spinning. I wonder if some. 1070 00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:44,000 Kids that have got less of an understanding and then they're 1071 00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:48,200 not, they haven't got APDA profile that are they learning 1072 00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:51,560 behaviours from a child that is PDA because from their viewpoint 1073 00:50:51,560 --> 00:50:54,760 are they seeing again, if anyone wants to comment and let me know 1074 00:50:55,320 --> 00:51:00,000 if your child sees that you're being different with the child 1075 00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:02,960 with the PDA profile, is this child learning? 1076 00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:06,760 OK, well if I kick off, does that mean I don't have to do the 1077 00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:09,440 thing? Does that thing mean that mum 1078 00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:12,400 will ask me a different way or do you just speak to all your 1079 00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:15,760 kids the same? Yeah, or or do both kids as your 1080 00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:19,600 approach to your entire family in the way that you request 1081 00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:21,680 stuff, deal with stuff just the way the family. 1082 00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:23,240 That's what it means. Everyone takes it on board. 1083 00:51:23,240 --> 00:51:24,520 Exactly. Does everyone just and? 1084 00:51:24,520 --> 00:51:25,720 Your kids are like, yeah, that's fine. 1085 00:51:25,720 --> 00:51:27,960 That's no one's making demands. Yeah, well, it's not even just 1086 00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,600 demands. They can be perceived demands. 1087 00:51:29,600 --> 00:51:33,320 And then what happens then if that kid goes into the into like 1088 00:51:33,320 --> 00:51:35,480 a normal school or the normal workforce where you get bosses 1089 00:51:35,480 --> 00:51:37,880 are very much like, no, you just do that shit because I told you 1090 00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:40,560 they do it. It's it's no, there's so many 1091 00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:42,320 different layers and. There will be some people out 1092 00:51:42,320 --> 00:51:43,320 there. Goodness me, we've only been 1093 00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:45,000 talking about 5 minutes and we've already got my head 1094 00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:45,440 screwed. Well. 1095 00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:47,320 It's not in it, but but there would also be some people out 1096 00:51:47,320 --> 00:51:49,280 there that are like narcissistic and they're like, don't tell me 1097 00:51:49,280 --> 00:51:51,560 what to do. And they would go, oh, I've got 1098 00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:52,000 PDA. Well. 1099 00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:58,120 We all know people who have got ADHD diagnosis later in life and 1100 00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:02,880 are using it as an excuse to, yeah, justify some of their 1101 00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:05,160 behaviour. Anyone's dealing with PDA fully 1102 00:52:05,160 --> 00:52:07,920 appreciate what an. Absolute mind and and going back 1103 00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:11,320 to your instincts, do you know what your your gut's right 1104 00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:12,200 usually. Most of the time. 1105 00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:13,680 Yeah, my gut was right about Lydia. 1106 00:52:13,720 --> 00:52:16,440 Yeah, from day one it's been right about a lot of things. 1107 00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:18,880 Yeah, Miss, Miss. She's got out of the gut on her. 1108 00:52:18,880 --> 00:52:20,640 Like she. If your instance are going down 1109 00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:22,600 there. She's always like trusted gut 1110 00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:25,440 and mums have just typically just. 1111 00:52:26,120 --> 00:52:27,760 You you know your kids better than anybody else. 1112 00:52:27,760 --> 00:52:29,960 Yeah, At the end of the day, sorry. 1113 00:52:29,960 --> 00:52:32,200 I'd go with that. OK, Next question. 1114 00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:35,160 How do you cope with the isolated feeling of bringing up 1115 00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:39,320 neurodiverse children when it is so hard to relate to parents of 1116 00:52:39,320 --> 00:52:41,320 neurotypical kids? Yeah, we've talked about these 1117 00:52:41,320 --> 00:52:44,760 lows, haven't we? You just find another tribe. 1118 00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:48,240 Yeah, find it sounds, it sounds really easy though, doesn't it? 1119 00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:49,280 It does sound easy. You know what? 1120 00:52:49,320 --> 00:52:51,160 You know there's friends you had in that, the community you had 1121 00:52:51,160 --> 00:52:54,400 before. Fuck them off and just go find 1122 00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:56,040 somebody. Else I wouldn't necessarily fuck 1123 00:52:56,040 --> 00:53:01,320 them off but just find another tribe that you can just it and 1124 00:53:01,320 --> 00:53:03,800 it's contact and feel less isolated with because it's hard. 1125 00:53:04,160 --> 00:53:07,720 Yeah but even PDA you could. You could have a child with PDA. 1126 00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:11,600 You need to find another parent with a child of PDA to 1127 00:53:11,600 --> 00:53:14,000 understand PDA. Because like a lot of parents in 1128 00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:15,680 the autism community won't understand it because they're 1129 00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:17,280 not living it. No, exactly so. 1130 00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:19,520 Like a lot of, you know, families in the autistic 1131 00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:23,280 community who don't have non verbal children. 1132 00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:25,200 Yeah, they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand some of 1133 00:53:25,200 --> 00:53:27,560 the stories that like these families are going through, 1134 00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:30,760 like, you know. And I'll never understand what 1135 00:53:30,760 --> 00:53:32,040 it's like to have a child that's. 1136 00:53:32,560 --> 00:53:34,760 Autistic. And high functioning and you 1137 00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:37,440 know, in the same between a kind of I wouldn't never understand 1138 00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:39,080 that. I'll see like we've we've got 1139 00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:41,360 some some mates in the group where they've got kids that 1140 00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:44,000 they're verbal. You know, they talk, they can 1141 00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:47,080 have conversations, but they have severe anxiety about 1142 00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:51,080 certain things. And I'd be like, but they talk 1143 00:53:51,080 --> 00:53:52,680 what they're anxious about. Do you know what I mean? 1144 00:53:52,680 --> 00:53:55,560 Because all I'm experiencing is this this child that's non 1145 00:53:55,560 --> 00:53:58,080 verbal. I'm like, OK, well, I don't know 1146 00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:00,640 what that's like, yeah. So it's, it's, it's crazy. 1147 00:54:00,640 --> 00:54:03,000 Got something like, you know, some of the dads have said we've 1148 00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:06,000 got kids that are he's, he's absolutely outstanding in maths 1149 00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:08,040 and science, but when it comes to English language and 1150 00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,680 literature, he's, he's way behind or anything else like 1151 00:54:10,680 --> 00:54:12,080 that. It's, it's, it's one of those, 1152 00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:15,760 isn't it, in terms of feeling isolated Again, it's something 1153 00:54:15,760 --> 00:54:17,800 we all go through. We all go into that little 1154 00:54:17,800 --> 00:54:21,400 bubble where we kind of withdraw ourselves to a certain degree 1155 00:54:21,400 --> 00:54:23,920 because you don't want to keep having the same conversation. 1156 00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:28,000 You don't want to have those kind of looks of not pity or 1157 00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:30,080 people go in. I don't understand what's going 1158 00:54:30,080 --> 00:54:31,120 on. Your life is going to be so 1159 00:54:31,120 --> 00:54:33,400 hard. I don't know what to say. 1160 00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:35,840 With the pity, you're kind of already feeling sorry for 1161 00:54:35,840 --> 00:54:38,840 yourself early on, so then when someone else gives you a little 1162 00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:41,440 bit of that, you're like fuck, like Nah, I don't need you 1163 00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:45,000 feeling sorry for me as well. And then you get people that can 1164 00:54:45,000 --> 00:54:48,000 see it's difficult so they don't have to act to, to kind of 1165 00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:49,800 operate so they don't ask how you're doing. 1166 00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:52,080 And then that will piss you off because you're not asking me how 1167 00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:53,640 I'm doing. But then when they do ask you 1168 00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:55,760 how you're doing, you're like, oh, you know how I'm bloody 1169 00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:57,720 doing. Difficult, but I'll tell you 1170 00:54:57,720 --> 00:55:00,840 what you want to hear. So it is really, really 1171 00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:05,280 difficult. But I think eventually you do 1172 00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:08,160 start meeting other parents, whether that's, hey, there's a 1173 00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:11,000 coffee morning for send children and you're like, do you know 1174 00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:12,640 what? I'm going to go, I'm just going 1175 00:55:12,640 --> 00:55:15,680 to go to one of these. And then it's like, Oh my God, 1176 00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:17,920 everybody around here gets it all. 1177 00:55:17,920 --> 00:55:22,040 My child's had a bit of a meltdown, but no one's looking 1178 00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:23,840 at me. They're actually, hey, no, 1179 00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:26,040 that's absolutely fine, though. Oh, you see another child having 1180 00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:28,080 them out and go, goodness, it's not only my child that does 1181 00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:30,120 that. And you start going, right. 1182 00:55:30,120 --> 00:55:31,760 OK, there's other people that get it. 1183 00:55:33,600 --> 00:55:35,840 But again, that takes time. And that's you having to put 1184 00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:38,240 yourself into uncomfortable situations. 1185 00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:41,400 If you're not one of those individuals that, you know, I've 1186 00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:45,240 got to meet people for the sake of meeting people, not because, 1187 00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:47,840 hey, you're a great guy. I want to be friends with you. 1188 00:55:47,840 --> 00:55:50,840 It's like we've got something in common, haven't we? 1189 00:55:51,880 --> 00:55:53,880 Well then what tends to happen is you actually end up making 1190 00:55:53,880 --> 00:55:55,560 friends because you realise these people are complete 1191 00:55:55,680 --> 00:55:58,600 absolute nutters or they've got things in common with you or 1192 00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:02,080 they talk you into running marathons or anything like that. 1193 00:56:02,080 --> 00:56:06,200 So it is. It is difficult, but. 1194 00:56:06,440 --> 00:56:08,960 But yeah, I'd like like Brian just said they're like find a 1195 00:56:08,960 --> 00:56:10,680 group. Just find even if you're like 1196 00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:12,520 Facebook. It's just, I remember well that 1197 00:56:12,520 --> 00:56:18,240 first time I ever found a Facebook group, I, I did gain 1198 00:56:18,240 --> 00:56:21,800 some relief from it, but at the same time, it very quickly 1199 00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:27,680 turned into like a bit of a cesspit of people trying to give 1200 00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:29,400 advice. But then the advice you've given 1201 00:56:29,400 --> 00:56:32,640 is like, they're still kind of poo poo in it. 1202 00:56:32,640 --> 00:56:34,720 And you're like, you asked, you asked me for advice and now 1203 00:56:34,720 --> 00:56:36,120 you're shitting on the advice you've given you. 1204 00:56:36,120 --> 00:56:38,680 And like you do, there's a lot of people that are feeling a bit 1205 00:56:38,680 --> 00:56:41,680 down and out and they tend to express that in these groups. 1206 00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:45,200 So sometimes you think you've found your tribe and you're very 1207 00:56:45,200 --> 00:56:46,840 quickly like, you know, this tribe sucks. 1208 00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:51,280 But yeah, just that's the, the loneliness aspect of it, the 1209 00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:53,480 feeling isolated. The only way to not feel 1210 00:56:53,480 --> 00:56:55,280 isolated is to find other people that get it. 1211 00:56:55,520 --> 00:56:58,520 Yeah. And in terms of relating to 1212 00:56:58,520 --> 00:57:04,480 parents from neurotypical kids, I, I remember this early on is 1213 00:57:04,480 --> 00:57:09,280 seeing other friends with children that were neurotypical. 1214 00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:15,120 My sister's got a, my, a daughter, my niece who is 6 1215 00:57:15,120 --> 00:57:18,120 months older than Lydia. So always having that kind of, 1216 00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:21,120 oh, that's what Lydia should be doing, but she doesn't do it. 1217 00:57:21,120 --> 00:57:24,240 And they would just highlight how different Lydia was. 1218 00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:26,000 You know, the fact she was going around having full 1219 00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:28,920 conversations, you know, telling me what colours are and I could 1220 00:57:28,920 --> 00:57:31,560 trick her and go, what about this colour that's green? 1221 00:57:31,560 --> 00:57:34,080 She can now it's blue. And, you know, all this sort of 1222 00:57:34,080 --> 00:57:35,760 stuff. And it, I find it really, really 1223 00:57:35,760 --> 00:57:38,160 difficult. It's always a reminder of how 1224 00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:43,360 different Lydia was. Now Lydia's 5, I don't have the 1225 00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:45,760 same feeling anymore. To a certain degree, there might 1226 00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:49,720 be odd days, but now I can see other children and just be happy 1227 00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:52,520 that they're doing well and happy for the families and the 1228 00:57:52,520 --> 00:57:55,000 parents that your child's, you know, it wasn't. 1229 00:57:55,000 --> 00:57:58,040 It's not a stark reminder anymore of how different my life 1230 00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:02,840 is because I've accepted Lydia for who she is, and nothing's 1231 00:58:02,840 --> 00:58:05,360 going to change that. And I don't need to push any 1232 00:58:05,360 --> 00:58:09,000 malice onto anybody else or, you know, feel like, oh, why is it 1233 00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:11,560 like so hard for me? But I think that comes with time 1234 00:58:11,560 --> 00:58:12,840 and acceptance. Yeah, definitely. 1235 00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:20,520 It's I remember that lad who who was having a child at the same 1236 00:58:20,520 --> 00:58:23,720 time as me and mish the one I met. 1237 00:58:23,760 --> 00:58:26,280 Outside the hospital. And we went to his wedding. 1238 00:58:28,920 --> 00:58:32,080 So maybe he was, maybe he was 3, something like that. 1239 00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:37,400 And he came over and, and I think what happens is you very 1240 00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:40,320 quickly, unless you've got a lot of other kids around you, you 1241 00:58:40,320 --> 00:58:47,160 forget the developmental stages. So when he, he said, oh, go 1242 00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:49,360 over, go over to Gaza and he'll tie your shoelaces. 1243 00:58:49,880 --> 00:58:52,160 And like he just comes over and like he's like, hey, and he puts 1244 00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:53,480 his foot out and I'm like, tie your shoelaces. 1245 00:58:53,480 --> 00:58:57,560 And I'm like, oh, shit. So I can't relate to him. 1246 00:58:57,560 --> 00:58:59,760 He was a lovely kid. Like he was amazing, amazing, 1247 00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:02,200 cute kid. But yeah, it's it's difficult to 1248 00:59:02,200 --> 00:59:05,680 relate because your world is completely different to the 1249 00:59:05,680 --> 00:59:07,120 typical world. If you haven't got any other 1250 00:59:07,120 --> 00:59:11,640 typical kids, it is rough and it sometimes knocks you, knocks you 1251 00:59:11,640 --> 00:59:13,120 for six because you're not expecting it. 1252 00:59:13,240 --> 00:59:14,440 Yeah, you. And there's a lot of stuff to 1253 00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,800 process. I remember like, you know, if I 1254 00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:18,960 had a tough day, I'd be going down a bit of a spiral. 1255 00:59:18,960 --> 00:59:21,360 You know how the brain works. And as soon as you put one -4 in 1256 00:59:21,360 --> 00:59:22,880 there it goes. Hey, here's another 10 that we 1257 00:59:22,880 --> 00:59:24,600 haven't even looked at yet. Let's let's go down here. 1258 00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:28,560 But it could be things like I'd come home and I'd go through the 1259 00:59:28,560 --> 00:59:32,920 door and most families would have their kids go, oh, dad's 1260 00:59:32,920 --> 00:59:35,080 home or, you know, really excited or want to tell you 1261 00:59:35,080 --> 00:59:36,920 about my day and everything else like that. 1262 00:59:37,640 --> 00:59:40,680 And I then go, oh, I'll have a kid that will never come up to 1263 00:59:40,680 --> 00:59:43,760 me and say, oh, Daddy, I love you or anything else like that. 1264 00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:48,000 And that put me in a real kind of this, you know, this will 1265 00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:49,920 never happen. You know, you start going down 1266 00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:53,480 that route and everything else. But I think again, it's just 1267 00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:56,880 getting your head round that it doesn't change that much. 1268 00:59:57,080 --> 01:00:01,440 I saw sort of I'll send it later and I never really get all 1269 01:00:01,640 --> 01:00:04,440 worries me about this stuff. But there was a video the other 1270 01:00:04,440 --> 01:00:06,400 day and it was really nice. And I think, I think Mitch sent 1271 01:00:06,400 --> 01:00:11,520 it me and it was it's the first part of the video was like, Are 1272 01:00:12,560 --> 01:00:14,520 you sure you don't want to be a parent or something like that? 1273 01:00:14,760 --> 01:00:19,280 And then it was just video after video of of children getting 1274 01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:22,280 super excited to see their dads coming home. 1275 01:00:22,760 --> 01:00:26,920 And I mean like. Insanely excited and these these 1276 01:00:26,920 --> 01:00:29,600 little girls were just like bouncing like daddy, daddy. 1277 01:00:29,600 --> 01:00:32,400 And then they'd like run in and jump and hug and one girl was 1278 01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:34,040 just crying. She was so happy. 1279 01:00:34,480 --> 01:00:37,880 And I saw that and I was like, like, it doesn't matter how how 1280 01:00:38,120 --> 01:00:42,240 used used to having an autistic charge you get and enjoying and 1281 01:00:42,240 --> 01:00:43,560 celebrating how amazing they are. 1282 01:00:43,840 --> 01:00:47,360 Sometimes it's still you go, oh, I'm never going to have that. 1283 01:00:48,160 --> 01:00:53,120 And it just it. So yeah, it's and when you 1284 01:00:53,160 --> 01:00:55,840 accept you're never going to have it and you and you, you 1285 01:00:55,840 --> 01:00:58,280 make a conscious decision as well for a lot of us not to try 1286 01:00:58,280 --> 01:01:01,960 and have other kids, you know, because me and Mish have talked 1287 01:01:01,960 --> 01:01:06,760 about it like loads. And you just like the odds of 1288 01:01:06,960 --> 01:01:09,960 love, Thomas the death. But the if the odds are still 1289 01:01:09,960 --> 01:01:12,560 quite high of having another autistic child who's as profound 1290 01:01:12,560 --> 01:01:14,200 as that. You're like, oh. 1291 01:01:14,920 --> 01:01:16,480 Do you want to roll that dice? Yeah. 1292 01:01:16,480 --> 01:01:19,240 And the other thing, it's not just like, do you want another 1293 01:01:19,240 --> 01:01:21,960 autistic child, but by having another one, am I taking away 1294 01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:26,200 from Thomas? But then also by having one, am 1295 01:01:26,200 --> 01:01:28,720 I hoping I am I doing this partly because I want a 1296 01:01:28,720 --> 01:01:31,040 caretaker for when I'm no longer here or. 1297 01:01:31,040 --> 01:01:34,280 Do you just want a normal kid in bracket, you know, You know, 1298 01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:36,760 because you want to experience all the things that you, 1299 01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:39,400 everyone else has experienced. So are you making it about you 1300 01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:40,360 again? Yeah. 1301 01:01:40,400 --> 01:01:43,560 There's there's loads of reasons and admittedly, like when we 1302 01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:45,560 thought about it, I've been like, oh God, if we had a 1303 01:01:45,560 --> 01:01:48,880 typical child like Thomas should be looked after when like we're 1304 01:01:48,880 --> 01:01:51,640 gone. And I'm like, that isn't the 1305 01:01:51,640 --> 01:01:55,560 right, right idea to bring a child into the human, into this 1306 01:01:55,560 --> 01:01:57,960 world because I want a caretaker for my disabled. 1307 01:01:57,960 --> 01:02:00,560 Which are a mediaeval. Aren't we an heir and a spare? 1308 01:02:00,560 --> 01:02:02,800 It's mad. Isn't it an heir and a spare? 1309 01:02:03,200 --> 01:02:06,880 It is crazy, yeah. I went totally off right where 1310 01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:10,040 we at now. Which one is it now? 1311 01:02:10,680 --> 01:02:12,680 Question 6. Question five, I think 5. 1312 01:02:14,440 --> 01:02:15,480 Oh yeah? What voice would you give to 1313 01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:18,440 someone who wants to support parents with an autistic child, 1314 01:02:18,720 --> 01:02:21,600 A grandparent, a friend, a family member, for example? 1315 01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:27,880 Don't. I'd be quite blunt here. 1316 01:02:28,000 --> 01:02:31,480 Don't say they're not autistic. Yeah, don't shit on what the 1317 01:02:31,480 --> 01:02:33,320 parents think might be going on with their kid. 1318 01:02:33,320 --> 01:02:37,560 Yes #1 completely understand why people do this. 1319 01:02:38,160 --> 01:02:44,880 They want to give reassurance. They want to give hope that it 1320 01:02:44,880 --> 01:02:46,800 may not be as bad as you think. Yeah. 1321 01:02:47,920 --> 01:02:52,080 Where if a parent has told you their concerns about their 1322 01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:55,280 child, trust me, they're probably only giving you the tip 1323 01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:58,680 of their concerns and there's a massive iceberg underneath of 1324 01:02:58,800 --> 01:03:02,120 everything else they haven't even told you are that they are 1325 01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:04,760 pretty certain that and if kids. And if they think it, they've 1326 01:03:04,760 --> 01:03:06,400 done the research. They're not. 1327 01:03:06,560 --> 01:03:07,720 Yeah. And what they're doing is just 1328 01:03:07,720 --> 01:03:10,920 sounding you outgoing. I think my child may be autistic 1329 01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:12,680 or they're sharing traits of this and this. 1330 01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:15,840 The chances are they have researched the absolute hell out 1331 01:03:15,840 --> 01:03:18,000 of this. They're pretty much 99% sure 1332 01:03:18,240 --> 01:03:21,560 they just want a bit of support. Not everything's going to be OK. 1333 01:03:21,560 --> 01:03:23,680 No, they won't be autistic. Or guess what? 1334 01:03:23,680 --> 01:03:26,800 I saw an article about a kid that couldn't speak until they 1335 01:03:26,800 --> 01:03:29,880 were 12 years old, and now they're, you know, they're a 1336 01:03:29,880 --> 01:03:32,000 professor at a university and everything. 1337 01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:34,440 Else it is another one. Don't send them articles of 1338 01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:37,280 cures. Don't send them anything Where 1339 01:03:37,280 --> 01:03:40,880 like this kids, this kids had this treatment and it reduced 1340 01:03:40,880 --> 01:03:44,520 their diet, their autism by 30%. Like it? 1341 01:03:44,680 --> 01:03:48,680 It seems like you're doing a good thing, but you're not. 1342 01:03:48,920 --> 01:03:50,240 Nothing. Nothing. 1343 01:03:50,280 --> 01:03:52,640 Yeah, yeah. Because nothing like that. 1344 01:03:52,640 --> 01:03:56,000 Because at the end of the day, there's there's no proven method 1345 01:03:56,040 --> 01:04:00,160 of eradicating, removing. Yeah, it's there. 1346 01:04:00,160 --> 01:04:02,600 I've seen articles and I've thought like God, if anyone, if 1347 01:04:02,680 --> 01:04:06,000 anyone had ever sent me an article like that article there 1348 01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:08,160 like there was the other one as well. 1349 01:04:08,160 --> 01:04:10,120 There's like stem cell treatments and stuff, isn't 1350 01:04:10,680 --> 01:04:11,920 there? You can get like stem cell 1351 01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:13,680 treatments which are insanely expensive. 1352 01:04:14,160 --> 01:04:18,360 Like I have no interest in someone telling telling me look 1353 01:04:18,360 --> 01:04:21,760 at this thing that you'll never be able to give you a child and. 1354 01:04:22,360 --> 01:04:24,360 You might not go tell a horrendous story there. 1355 01:04:24,440 --> 01:04:26,000 Oh, go on. It's a prime example. 1356 01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:30,840 But this is like extreme and I won't I won't say who, who who 1357 01:04:30,840 --> 01:04:32,360 said this because it came from a good place. 1358 01:04:32,360 --> 01:04:38,240 But Lydia is always is obviously non verbal And I remember being 1359 01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:42,720 told oh we saw a movie about. I'm already laughing. 1360 01:04:43,120 --> 01:04:47,040 We saw a movie about this, this autistic boy who was, who was 1361 01:04:47,040 --> 01:04:52,240 non verbal and he was in kind of some sort of residential care, 1362 01:04:54,160 --> 01:04:57,720 but then he, he, he learnt how to communicate with an AAC 1363 01:04:57,720 --> 01:05:02,360 device or something like that. So laughing about this because 1364 01:05:02,360 --> 01:05:04,400 it's like it's, you'll understand why. 1365 01:05:05,240 --> 01:05:07,160 And then they carried on and said, yes. 1366 01:05:07,160 --> 01:05:09,680 So when he was in his home and he got sexually assaulted, he 1367 01:05:09,680 --> 01:05:12,760 was able to tell the authorities who actually did it because he 1368 01:05:12,760 --> 01:05:14,440 was able to communicate with ACC. 1369 01:05:14,440 --> 01:05:19,400 So isn't that great? I was like, this is a movie. 1370 01:05:20,160 --> 01:05:22,520 This is an actual movie that was out there. 1371 01:05:22,520 --> 01:05:26,480 I just remember going that hasn't filled me of any hope 1372 01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:30,120 whatsoever, even though I know it's like so they can learn to 1373 01:05:30,160 --> 01:05:32,560 the. Moral of the story is teach your 1374 01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:36,360 child to do an ace AAC device so that when you're gone, if they 1375 01:05:36,360 --> 01:05:38,400 get sexually assaulted they'll be able to report it. 1376 01:05:38,400 --> 01:05:41,200 Yeah, amazing. And it came honestly, it came. 1377 01:05:41,440 --> 01:05:43,040 It came from. Now I know a. 1378 01:05:43,040 --> 01:05:45,840 Beautiful place to support and, and 100% and love. 1379 01:05:45,840 --> 01:05:49,360 And I know they were trying to go, yeah, you know, we're doing 1380 01:05:49,360 --> 01:05:51,400 our research and autism and everything else like this and 1381 01:05:51,400 --> 01:05:55,520 we're trying to understand it. But I just remember thinking 1382 01:05:57,080 --> 01:06:01,080 probably not the best example out there. 1383 01:06:01,160 --> 01:06:05,680 No bloody hell. But yeah, but for grandparents, 1384 01:06:05,680 --> 01:06:07,760 friends and family, just just listen. 1385 01:06:07,840 --> 01:06:13,200 So I'd say to to grandparents don't deny the fact that the 1386 01:06:13,200 --> 01:06:15,480 autism is there in the 1st place and that they're just a late 1387 01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:16,760 bloomer. That's a classic one for 1388 01:06:16,760 --> 01:06:20,760 grandparents. If you're a friend drop a 1389 01:06:20,760 --> 01:06:24,760 message every now and then. Just say hey sings mate, how's 1390 01:06:24,760 --> 01:06:29,080 the kid? Do you need anything from me and 1391 01:06:29,080 --> 01:06:34,680 family? As tough as it is, offer to just 1392 01:06:34,680 --> 01:06:36,640 give them a little bit of respite every now, every now and 1393 01:06:36,640 --> 01:06:39,360 then so they can go and grab a meal, go to the gym. 1394 01:06:39,600 --> 01:06:42,880 Like do you want me to just stay at yours for a few hours just so 1395 01:06:42,880 --> 01:06:44,720 you can pop out and do some, do some stuff for yourself? 1396 01:06:44,880 --> 01:06:48,440 Like that's what I would do, I think as a family member. 1397 01:06:49,600 --> 01:06:53,200 So they can go shopping or do the shopping for them and just 1398 01:06:53,240 --> 01:06:57,000 drop the shopping off. And again, family is very 1399 01:06:57,000 --> 01:07:03,520 stressful. Don't two way thing as well for 1400 01:07:03,520 --> 01:07:07,560 for for family members if there's family events taking 1401 01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:11,560 place like birthdays, everything else like that and you want to 1402 01:07:11,560 --> 01:07:14,720 offer the invitation out there, you know, do it still offer the 1403 01:07:14,720 --> 01:07:16,080 invitation, you know, come along. 1404 01:07:16,080 --> 01:07:17,760 It's a it's a, you know, we want you there. 1405 01:07:18,120 --> 01:07:23,880 At the same time, be prepared for the response to be no, yeah, 1406 01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:25,880 yeah. And don't go into too much deal 1407 01:07:25,880 --> 01:07:27,720 like, oh, please do. We'll, we'll make a change, you 1408 01:07:27,720 --> 01:07:29,760 know, just go. No problem at all. 1409 01:07:29,760 --> 01:07:31,520 If you need anything, you know where I am. 1410 01:07:31,520 --> 01:07:32,880 Yeah. Everything else, like don't put 1411 01:07:32,880 --> 01:07:35,720 any guilt pressure on that, that parent, the group of parents go, 1412 01:07:35,720 --> 01:07:38,160 no, we can't come to that. And don't make them have to 1413 01:07:38,160 --> 01:07:39,840 justify it. You know why they can't come? 1414 01:07:39,880 --> 01:07:42,080 Yeah. And I would like if it if it was 1415 01:07:42,080 --> 01:07:44,280 a wedding, for example, if it's a wedding and all the family's 1416 01:07:44,280 --> 01:07:47,720 going to be there and all the friends are going to be there, 1417 01:07:47,720 --> 01:07:51,680 don't pressure them to come. Yeah, I'm using wedding as an 1418 01:07:51,680 --> 01:07:54,880 example. But also when you put the 1419 01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:59,320 invite, AI would specifically say like if somebody had said, 1420 01:07:59,600 --> 01:08:01,440 listen, we'd love you to come to the wedding, but do you think 1421 01:08:01,440 --> 01:08:02,800 it'll be a bit too much for Thomas? 1422 01:08:02,960 --> 01:08:06,280 If it is, that's fine. Like highlight the reason it 1423 01:08:06,280 --> 01:08:09,320 might be an issue. Don't make me go around the 1424 01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:12,920 houses to have to tell you. I I would prefer it if somebody 1425 01:08:12,920 --> 01:08:15,760 already recognised that that might be the potential problem. 1426 01:08:16,160 --> 01:08:18,720 Like, we'd love you to come, but if it's too much for Thomas, 1427 01:08:18,720 --> 01:08:22,080 totally understand that that's how you do it. 1428 01:08:22,120 --> 01:08:24,800 And don't, do not fucking guilt people into coming because you 1429 01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:27,200 want them there. Because you're wanting them 1430 01:08:27,200 --> 01:08:30,560 there is nowhere near as important as the shit they're 1431 01:08:30,560 --> 01:08:32,720 going to have to go through to take them there. 1432 01:08:33,080 --> 01:08:35,000 The stress of finding someone to look after the child. 1433 01:08:35,000 --> 01:08:38,240 Or if they take them. Or to take him and at the same 1434 01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,680 time. Because no one else can look at 1435 01:08:39,680 --> 01:08:41,680 the child. And I'd say at the same time, on 1436 01:08:41,680 --> 01:08:45,760 the flip side of that as as parents to neuro diverse 1437 01:08:45,760 --> 01:08:50,560 children feel comfortable in saying no to things. 1438 01:08:50,680 --> 01:08:53,600 Yeah, don't again, don't feel pressurised and do anything. 1439 01:08:53,640 --> 01:08:55,880 Don't feel you need to justify anything. 1440 01:08:56,520 --> 01:08:58,800 Thank you very much. We're not going to be able to 1441 01:08:58,800 --> 01:09:00,479 make it this time. Hope the day goes great. 1442 01:09:00,600 --> 01:09:04,160 Yeah, yeah. Because early on, there's always 1443 01:09:04,160 --> 01:09:06,760 that I'd love to come. I can't come because of my 1444 01:09:06,760 --> 01:09:08,240 child. Yeah, I know. 1445 01:09:08,240 --> 01:09:10,200 Yeah. And my child is now spoiling all 1446 01:09:10,200 --> 01:09:13,520 my fun because I can't, you know, don't need to justify it. 1447 01:09:13,520 --> 01:09:16,040 No, your friends and close family will know why. 1448 01:09:16,880 --> 01:09:18,960 And if they do know? Yeah. 1449 01:09:21,359 --> 01:09:24,439 I'd appreciate it if it wasn't kept quiet like it was this 1450 01:09:24,439 --> 01:09:27,720 unspoken thing for me. If someone just highlighted it, 1451 01:09:27,720 --> 01:09:29,520 is it going to be too like, yeah, it probably is, mate. 1452 01:09:29,520 --> 01:09:30,880 Is that, is that all right? Yeah, of course it is. 1453 01:09:31,600 --> 01:09:34,600 It always seems like this thing that people don't want to 1454 01:09:34,600 --> 01:09:38,080 address with you because, like, skirting around, they know why 1455 01:09:38,080 --> 01:09:39,720 you're not coming. Just say it. 1456 01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:44,080 Just just say it. It's it's like this sometimes, 1457 01:09:44,080 --> 01:09:47,080 like having a disabled child feels like this, like this 1458 01:09:47,080 --> 01:09:49,359 secret that's underneath the stairs that no one talks about. 1459 01:09:50,240 --> 01:09:52,439 Like, do you know what I mean? Like, no, everyone's scared to 1460 01:09:52,479 --> 01:09:53,880 address it. Like, yeah, it's disabled. 1461 01:09:53,880 --> 01:09:55,160 Cool, let's talk about it. It's fine. 1462 01:09:55,560 --> 01:09:57,200 Let's just talk about it. Let's not pretend it's this 1463 01:09:57,200 --> 01:10:00,720 fucking thing that lives under the stairs are in the basement. 1464 01:10:01,320 --> 01:10:02,680 It's weird. Like what it's like some people 1465 01:10:02,680 --> 01:10:04,720 do. They treat it or don't mention 1466 01:10:04,720 --> 01:10:06,800 it 'cause it might upset them. I live with it mate, Ain't upset 1467 01:10:06,800 --> 01:10:08,720 me. It's more upsetting if you 1468 01:10:08,720 --> 01:10:11,880 fucking don't talk about it. Bringing back memories of the 1469 01:10:11,880 --> 01:10:14,160 1980s with a certain community where people going. 1470 01:10:14,720 --> 01:10:17,160 Oh yeah, I can't. Be associated, we mustn't talk 1471 01:10:17,160 --> 01:10:19,640 about it's absolutely fine which. 1472 01:10:19,960 --> 01:10:21,440 One next. OK, next question. 1473 01:10:22,240 --> 01:10:24,880 OK, interesting. How do you cope as a single mum 1474 01:10:25,640 --> 01:10:28,480 when your ex blames your parenting for your child's 1475 01:10:28,480 --> 01:10:31,280 diagnosis? And when there's OMERS, no one 1476 01:10:31,280 --> 01:10:36,800 to one support available unless you go private, OK. 1477 01:10:37,360 --> 01:10:41,440 Oh yeah, OK. How do you cope as a single mum 1478 01:10:41,680 --> 01:10:46,840 when your ex blames you? First of all, if your ex is 1479 01:10:46,840 --> 01:10:50,800 blaming you for your parenting that's led to your child's 1480 01:10:50,800 --> 01:10:53,760 diagnosis, it's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on 1481 01:10:53,760 --> 01:10:55,200 your ex. And they're probably an X for a 1482 01:10:55,200 --> 01:10:57,440 reason. I don't know if that's the 1483 01:10:57,440 --> 01:11:05,760 simplest way of saying it. Yeah, I think I don't know the 1484 01:11:05,760 --> 01:11:09,560 X. We know, I know dads are like 1485 01:11:09,560 --> 01:11:10,960 this. I know a few dads who are like 1486 01:11:10,960 --> 01:11:12,320 this. I've heard stories where they 1487 01:11:12,320 --> 01:11:15,240 just blame the mum, dad, there's not an issue, there's no autism. 1488 01:11:15,400 --> 01:11:17,080 Absolutely. It's the fact that you're a ship 1489 01:11:17,080 --> 01:11:20,200 parent. It's an example again of if, if 1490 01:11:20,200 --> 01:11:23,800 the if the other parent, if the dad in this in this example, 1491 01:11:24,880 --> 01:11:28,320 they clearly haven't accepted the the child's autistic. 1492 01:11:28,320 --> 01:11:30,280 Yeah, they haven't accepted it because if they had, they 1493 01:11:30,280 --> 01:11:33,240 wouldn't be blaming you because you can't create autism by 1494 01:11:33,240 --> 01:11:37,040 parent in any certain way. And there'll be assholes, 1495 01:11:37,080 --> 01:11:41,600 assholes out there that know it's nothing to do with the mum 1496 01:11:41,960 --> 01:11:45,040 parent, the mum's parenting, but they just want to make them feel 1497 01:11:45,040 --> 01:11:48,640 shit and say stuff like that. Yeah, nothing, even nothing to 1498 01:11:48,640 --> 01:11:49,760 do with the child. Even if they do believe. 1499 01:11:49,760 --> 01:11:52,800 It yeah, they just want to make the other person feel shit in 1500 01:11:52,800 --> 01:11:55,360 some continuous game of who's right and who's wrong. 1501 01:11:55,400 --> 01:11:58,640 Yeah, I'd actually just have as little contact with your ex as 1502 01:11:58,640 --> 01:12:00,440 possible. Do you know what that might be 1503 01:12:00,440 --> 01:12:03,280 the best thing? I think, yeah, I think, I mean, 1504 01:12:03,280 --> 01:12:04,680 this is really going around about the ages. 1505 01:12:04,680 --> 01:12:07,760 If your ex makes you feel like this and says stuff like this to 1506 01:12:07,760 --> 01:12:11,760 you, you need to. And if they still have access to 1507 01:12:11,760 --> 01:12:18,320 your kid, then I would get a court order so that you 1508 01:12:18,320 --> 01:12:21,360 literally have it set in stone when you both get to spend time 1509 01:12:21,360 --> 01:12:24,720 with your child. And by doing that cuts 1510 01:12:24,720 --> 01:12:27,240 communication right down. And basically make sure that the 1511 01:12:27,240 --> 01:12:29,600 only time you have and you only agree to have conversation with 1512 01:12:29,600 --> 01:12:32,360 them is if they're not going to say shitty things like this. 1513 01:12:32,440 --> 01:12:38,360 Yeah, keep a look of it at the same time, Yeah, your energy's 1514 01:12:38,360 --> 01:12:39,880 got to be focused on your child, isn't it? 1515 01:12:39,960 --> 01:12:42,320 You don't want to be wasting any of that precious energy on 1516 01:12:42,320 --> 01:12:44,760 dealing with shitty conversations with a shitty 1517 01:12:44,760 --> 01:12:47,920 person. At the end of the day, do you 1518 01:12:47,920 --> 01:12:48,960 know what? And if you're doing it as a 1519 01:12:48,960 --> 01:12:52,200 single mum, we can't trigger code this. 1520 01:12:52,200 --> 01:12:53,240 It's going to be incredibly tough. 1521 01:12:53,240 --> 01:12:54,640 Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's going to be 1522 01:12:54,640 --> 01:12:56,880 incredibly tough. It's hard enough when you've got 1523 01:12:57,000 --> 01:13:00,760 a, a partner that is on board or you know, like the dad is like 1524 01:13:01,000 --> 01:13:03,840 50% in, 50% out. It's hard as it is. 1525 01:13:03,840 --> 01:13:08,560 But to do it as a single mum, I I'd find those support groups, 1526 01:13:08,600 --> 01:13:11,600 other communities there, there must be other mums in a similar 1527 01:13:11,600 --> 01:13:14,760 situation have, have a close knit group of people that you 1528 01:13:14,760 --> 01:13:17,400 can rely on. You know, even if it's just you 1529 01:13:17,400 --> 01:13:20,720 speak virtually over, you know, Facebook groups. 1530 01:13:20,720 --> 01:13:23,360 You might not even be in the same town, but you can support 1531 01:13:23,360 --> 01:13:26,560 one another or just have an outlay of somebody that you can. 1532 01:13:27,280 --> 01:13:28,760 It's been particularly tough today. 1533 01:13:28,760 --> 01:13:31,520 XY and Z's happened and somebody that absolutely gets it. 1534 01:13:31,520 --> 01:13:34,840 Sometimes I wish I could spend time with some of these, some of 1535 01:13:34,840 --> 01:13:39,640 these kids, just to see where the autism is, what level. 1536 01:13:39,640 --> 01:13:41,640 It's like, yeah, you can't parent that. 1537 01:13:41,640 --> 01:13:43,600 You can't create that by parenting. 1538 01:13:43,600 --> 01:13:46,920 Don't worry. But yeah some people are just 1539 01:13:46,920 --> 01:13:50,120 Dicks mate. Sometimes you just have to go. 1540 01:13:50,400 --> 01:13:54,280 Like obviously it's not nice but sounds like it's just been a 1541 01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:57,480 Dick. Yeah, I don't think there's 1542 01:13:57,480 --> 01:13:59,560 anything else to say to that. Not a great answer. 1543 01:13:59,560 --> 01:14:02,840 Your ex is a Dick. Next question, How can I keep 1544 01:14:02,840 --> 01:14:06,120 calm, cool and advocate effectively to be helping our 1545 01:14:06,120 --> 01:14:10,760 family when a subject access reveals request reveals they've 1546 01:14:10,760 --> 01:14:15,560 been labelling me and my child behind our backs. 1547 01:14:18,480 --> 01:14:19,800 Yeah. You can't trust them, can you? 1548 01:14:19,800 --> 01:14:21,760 Or it's certainly going to make it very difficult to. 1549 01:14:30,000 --> 01:14:31,160 I'll. I'm going to send them a 1550 01:14:31,160 --> 01:14:32,560 message. I think we need to speak to 1551 01:14:32,560 --> 01:14:35,360 them. Yeah, that's not great. 1552 01:14:35,360 --> 01:14:38,640 If professionals who work in this industry say industry, Oh 1553 01:14:38,760 --> 01:14:43,320 my God, In this sector, it feels like an industry sometimes, 1554 01:14:43,320 --> 01:14:45,480 Yeah. We'll we'll send you a message. 1555 01:14:45,480 --> 01:14:49,160 Yeah, but there, there should be none of that taking place. 1556 01:14:49,160 --> 01:14:51,920 No, they shouldn't. Because, you know, I'd be 1557 01:14:51,920 --> 01:14:57,480 tempted to find out who they are or if it's a local authority and 1558 01:14:57,480 --> 01:15:00,280 then get every other parent to do a subject access request. 1559 01:15:00,360 --> 01:15:04,520 If they've done it to you and I'm guessing the labelling is 1560 01:15:04,520 --> 01:15:12,000 going to be similar to the previous question, yeah. 1561 01:15:13,840 --> 01:15:16,040 Yeah, I think so. OK, that's really bad. 1562 01:15:17,120 --> 01:15:18,400 Is the one that we've missed out there? 1563 01:15:18,400 --> 01:15:20,760 Oh, is there? Is it question 7? 1564 01:15:25,240 --> 01:15:27,560 Nope. This question seven question 8 1565 01:15:27,560 --> 01:15:29,040 look very. Similar do that's why I call 1566 01:15:29,120 --> 01:15:30,000 mate. Do you want to do that one? 1567 01:15:30,000 --> 01:15:31,360 Yeah. How can I keep calm, cool and 1568 01:15:31,360 --> 01:15:33,400 advocate effectively when the professionals who are supposed 1569 01:15:33,400 --> 01:15:36,040 to be helping are behaving in ways that are generally 1570 01:15:36,040 --> 01:15:36,800 triggering? That's. 1571 01:15:39,720 --> 01:15:42,240 The same person. Oh, that's the same question. 1572 01:15:42,320 --> 01:15:43,360 They're linked. Well, that's a different 1573 01:15:43,360 --> 01:15:45,120 question, but. They're linked together linked. 1574 01:15:45,280 --> 01:15:47,200 So we'll contact this individual privately. 1575 01:15:47,240 --> 01:15:49,520 Yeah, I think. She's going through it. 1576 01:15:50,280 --> 01:15:51,520 It's not great. You've got enough shit on your 1577 01:15:51,520 --> 01:15:52,720 plate. Then to the people that are 1578 01:15:52,720 --> 01:15:56,840 supposed to be helping you, I'll do in the opposite, yeah. 1579 01:15:59,440 --> 01:16:02,480 How do you keep your cool with the judgement, comments and 1580 01:16:02,560 --> 01:16:06,200 unsolicited advice when people you've who've never lived this 1581 01:16:06,200 --> 01:16:11,040 life? Oh, I'm very good at keeping 1582 01:16:11,040 --> 01:16:12,720 cool unsolicited. Advice. 1583 01:16:12,720 --> 01:16:17,360 That's the best one. Yeah, I think there comes a 1584 01:16:17,360 --> 01:16:19,080 point where it just doesn't hit home anymore. 1585 01:16:19,280 --> 01:16:22,720 You, you have to, you have to ignore it, don't you? 1586 01:16:22,880 --> 01:16:25,040 You you develop. Thick skin. 1587 01:16:25,080 --> 01:16:29,240 Thick skin and you shouldn't have to, but the way to cope 1588 01:16:29,240 --> 01:16:33,120 with it sometimes is that you do, you know, the first couple 1589 01:16:33,120 --> 01:16:34,920 of times you hear something, yes it hits home. 1590 01:16:34,920 --> 01:16:37,440 It you know, smacks you straight in the heart, doesn't it when 1591 01:16:37,440 --> 01:16:38,720 you hear stuff about your own child. 1592 01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:45,320 But there comes a point where you just realise you're an 1593 01:16:45,320 --> 01:16:47,200 idiot. This doesn't this doesn't help 1594 01:16:47,200 --> 01:16:49,640 me. I'm not wasting my energy time 1595 01:16:50,760 --> 01:16:53,000 having to re educate every person that says a silly 1596 01:16:53,000 --> 01:16:55,400 comment. And like, where are these 1597 01:16:55,400 --> 01:16:58,000 comments and and where's this advice coming from? 1598 01:16:58,000 --> 01:17:01,160 Like if I had to guess this is from like family. 1599 01:17:03,760 --> 01:17:10,720 Well, unsolicited, unsolicited advice is, is usually family. 1600 01:17:13,960 --> 01:17:18,360 It it can be family again, coming from a place of love, 1601 01:17:18,360 --> 01:17:22,880 trying to offer hope or trying to protect you as that, as as 1602 01:17:22,880 --> 01:17:25,120 you are their children. They, they continuously want to 1603 01:17:25,120 --> 01:17:26,560 do that. So they don't want to be the 1604 01:17:26,560 --> 01:17:30,200 people that put a dark cloud over you and, you know, feed 1605 01:17:30,200 --> 01:17:35,040 into a doom and gloom. But it can also be, you know, 1606 01:17:35,040 --> 01:17:37,520 certain part, you know, I'm going to say older generation, 1607 01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:40,240 but not necessarily, but it can be people going, Oh, there was 1608 01:17:40,240 --> 01:17:42,720 none of this in my day. It's what they need is if, if 1609 01:17:42,720 --> 01:17:45,560 they won't eat their dinner, leave it out. 1610 01:17:45,960 --> 01:17:47,280 They'll come back when they're hungry. 1611 01:17:47,720 --> 01:17:49,360 It, it could be stuff as simple as that. 1612 01:17:49,360 --> 01:17:52,480 When you know, with an autistic child, you know, they're not 1613 01:17:52,480 --> 01:17:54,000 going to come back just because they're hungry. 1614 01:17:54,000 --> 01:17:58,040 You can't stop offering food. Or it could be like, oh, turn 1615 01:17:58,040 --> 01:18:00,680 the TV's off and don't give them any screen time and they'll fall 1616 01:18:00,680 --> 01:18:04,080 asleep and all this sort of stuff where in my day we used to 1617 01:18:04,080 --> 01:18:07,240 do that. You know, all this like comes 1618 01:18:07,240 --> 01:18:13,040 through unsolicited device. It's it's whether you've got the 1619 01:18:13,040 --> 01:18:14,960 relationship to talk to your parents and say that's not 1620 01:18:14,960 --> 01:18:18,160 helping or if you haven't, then you've got to be prepared just 1621 01:18:18,280 --> 01:18:21,040 to I think like you better go through 1 ear and out the other. 1622 01:18:21,040 --> 01:18:23,320 Yeah, I think like we said before, I think I'd be saying 1623 01:18:23,320 --> 01:18:26,320 like if it was family, if it's family and and friends or 1624 01:18:26,320 --> 01:18:28,200 whatever, you can't just cut them out your life because 1625 01:18:28,240 --> 01:18:29,200 they're they're a part of your life. 1626 01:18:30,720 --> 01:18:33,400 Randoms on, on the Internet, you can just block them and cut them 1627 01:18:33,400 --> 01:18:35,200 off. Like if it was, if it was like 1628 01:18:35,200 --> 01:18:37,560 my parents, for example, I think I'd have to, again, like we said 1629 01:18:37,560 --> 01:18:40,000 before, I think I'd have to have a conversation like I'm not 1630 01:18:40,000 --> 01:18:41,360 going to fall out with you about this. 1631 01:18:41,880 --> 01:18:44,120 I love you, but I'm not going to fall out. 1632 01:18:44,920 --> 01:18:47,240 I need you to stop telling me what to do. 1633 01:18:47,360 --> 01:18:49,920 I know what's best from my perspective. 1634 01:18:50,480 --> 01:18:53,720 Stop giving me advice saying, because I'm guessing the advice 1635 01:18:53,720 --> 01:18:57,680 is, you know, man, you need to be stricter or you need to do 1636 01:18:57,680 --> 01:18:59,840 this or you need to do that. It's like I'm doing it the best 1637 01:18:59,840 --> 01:19:02,440 I know how. Stop getting involved. 1638 01:19:02,440 --> 01:19:04,560 You'll have to say that and like, and if you can't stop 1639 01:19:04,560 --> 01:19:06,960 doing that, I'm going to have to stop seeing you. 1640 01:19:07,120 --> 01:19:08,400 Yeah. I think you've just got to be 1641 01:19:08,400 --> 01:19:11,520 harder people sometimes. If you're not, then they don't 1642 01:19:11,520 --> 01:19:12,920 really know how much they're bothering you. 1643 01:19:13,320 --> 01:19:15,560 Yeah. So they don't know to pull back. 1644 01:19:15,560 --> 01:19:17,680 Sometimes you just have to. And then sometimes it gets 1645 01:19:17,680 --> 01:19:19,520 harder as the child gets older. Yeah. 1646 01:19:19,520 --> 01:19:22,240 You just have to to kind of address it as soon as you can. 1647 01:19:22,320 --> 01:19:24,400 Yeah. Why is it so damn difficult to 1648 01:19:24,400 --> 01:19:26,960 get heard by professionals when you're raising concerns about 1649 01:19:26,960 --> 01:19:28,800 your own child? Seems like it's getting harder. 1650 01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:31,600 It seems like it's getting harder with the the stuff. 1651 01:19:31,600 --> 01:19:35,680 I it might just be my Spidey sense sense is going a little 1652 01:19:35,680 --> 01:19:38,560 bit mental. But it seems since the white 1653 01:19:38,560 --> 01:19:46,560 paper talk, it seems like people are struggling to get any kind 1654 01:19:46,560 --> 01:19:49,000 of support services, even to get assessed. 1655 01:19:49,560 --> 01:19:50,960 It. Seems like it's getting harder 1656 01:19:50,960 --> 01:19:53,640 and harder, and I feel like that's the local authority 1657 01:19:53,960 --> 01:19:57,400 seeing the writing on the wall and being like, well, let's just 1658 01:19:57,400 --> 01:20:00,160 kick this down the road a little bit further, which they do 1659 01:20:00,160 --> 01:20:03,200 anyway, but it feels like it's getting harder. 1660 01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:07,200 It's, you know, it's, it's getting harder. 1661 01:20:07,480 --> 01:20:14,040 We all know that more children and adults are going through the 1662 01:20:14,040 --> 01:20:17,680 diagnosis process. There's only so many 1663 01:20:17,680 --> 01:20:19,480 professionals that work in this field. 1664 01:20:20,440 --> 01:20:23,520 They're already at capacity and overrun. 1665 01:20:23,520 --> 01:20:25,080 You know, we talked about Lydia's assessment getting 1666 01:20:25,080 --> 01:20:26,680 pushed back and pushed back for autism. 1667 01:20:27,280 --> 01:20:31,720 So access to these individuals, it's going to take longer to get 1668 01:20:32,760 --> 01:20:37,880 until we have more people trained in this field and more 1669 01:20:37,880 --> 01:20:40,640 professional speech therapists, you know, all this sort of stuff 1670 01:20:41,120 --> 01:20:43,920 that understand are there to provide a service and money's 1671 01:20:43,920 --> 01:20:46,040 invested. It's going to get harder. 1672 01:20:47,120 --> 01:20:51,560 I don't think there's anything I can say you can say that or kind 1673 01:20:51,560 --> 01:20:53,200 of overcome that. Unfortunately, it's. 1674 01:20:53,720 --> 01:20:56,880 Funding. It does come down to funding and 1675 01:20:56,880 --> 01:21:02,480 it comes down again, unfortunately, to parents having 1676 01:21:02,480 --> 01:21:07,440 to be completely on the ball, being those people that I want 1677 01:21:07,440 --> 01:21:08,800 this sorted out. You said it'd be sorted. 1678 01:21:08,800 --> 01:21:09,920 Out. Even if it's at a character, 1679 01:21:10,000 --> 01:21:12,880 you've just got a. Yeah, But you know, yeah, we're 1680 01:21:12,880 --> 01:21:15,320 all kind of the nicest people at work and everything else like 1681 01:21:15,320 --> 01:21:18,400 that. But we said in previous podcasts 1682 01:21:18,400 --> 01:21:21,000 at the start, you're very trusting of this, the kind of. 1683 01:21:23,000 --> 01:21:26,080 And if, if you are trying to fight the system or anything 1684 01:21:26,080 --> 01:21:29,320 like that, like do send us a message or send us an e-mail and 1685 01:21:29,760 --> 01:21:33,440 we've got some templates for different scenarios, you can get 1686 01:21:33,440 --> 01:21:35,080 in touch with this and we'll send you these templates. 1687 01:21:35,080 --> 01:21:38,800 So you can, you can send them. They're pretty ironclad and 1688 01:21:38,800 --> 01:21:40,760 there's like, there's different ones for every stage. 1689 01:21:40,760 --> 01:21:42,760 Isn't that like depending on where you're at, We've. 1690 01:21:42,760 --> 01:21:46,320 Done some 62nd videos like no bullshit videos on like the HCP 1691 01:21:46,320 --> 01:21:48,600 process and things like that. So when schools are saying, hey, 1692 01:21:48,880 --> 01:21:50,960 we don't think you need to worry about this, you know, you don't 1693 01:21:50,960 --> 01:21:52,680 need to rely on the schools. You can take the process. 1694 01:21:52,680 --> 01:21:54,640 Starts, you know, the HCP. Ones really good. 1695 01:21:54,640 --> 01:21:58,280 There's so many different things there, but a lot of it is, yeah, 1696 01:21:58,280 --> 01:22:00,720 it's making sure that you're fully educated yourself on on 1697 01:22:00,720 --> 01:22:03,440 what needs to be done and and unfortunately maybe changing 1698 01:22:03,440 --> 01:22:05,920 your characteristics a bit and and being a real pain in the 1699 01:22:05,920 --> 01:22:09,880 arse. Yeah, whoever shouts loudest 1700 01:22:09,880 --> 01:22:11,480 sometimes does work. I'm not saying it works all the 1701 01:22:11,480 --> 01:22:15,320 time, but if you're going to be a pain in the ass, it's harder 1702 01:22:15,320 --> 01:22:17,000 to fob you off. Yeah, 100%. 1703 01:22:17,280 --> 01:22:18,720 Yeah. Just it, just the way it is. 1704 01:22:19,080 --> 01:22:22,600 LA local authorities are looking to conserve money and they're 1705 01:22:22,600 --> 01:22:26,120 dealing with so many cases. This person's quite easy and 1706 01:22:26,120 --> 01:22:27,320 quite tame. Then you're not. 1707 01:22:27,320 --> 01:22:28,200 I have to. Be the person. 1708 01:22:28,200 --> 01:22:29,720 Yeah, and I'll deal with the person. 1709 01:22:29,720 --> 01:22:31,920 That's been a real. Another e-mail from this 1710 01:22:31,920 --> 01:22:33,400 individual. God, I just want to get them off 1711 01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:35,360 my book. Squeaky wheel gets the grease. 1712 01:22:35,400 --> 01:22:38,520 Yeah, exactly. Why is there still so much 1713 01:22:39,000 --> 01:22:42,040 unawareness of autism even within the medical community? 1714 01:22:42,960 --> 01:22:51,800 Yeah, what do you reckon mate? Oh goodness me, is that I think 1715 01:22:51,800 --> 01:22:53,080 that's training. Training, yeah. 1716 01:22:53,160 --> 01:22:54,040 I think that's training. We. 1717 01:22:54,360 --> 01:22:57,960 I think we've spoken to so many families where they've gone to 1718 01:22:57,960 --> 01:23:00,840 see GPS, for instance, you know, I think I've got concerned about 1719 01:23:00,840 --> 01:23:01,720 my child. Yeah. 1720 01:23:02,080 --> 01:23:04,040 And the GPS just dismissed it. Yeah. 1721 01:23:04,280 --> 01:23:06,000 Oh, no, nothing wrong there. Nothing to worry about. 1722 01:23:06,000 --> 01:23:08,600 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you walk away thinking, is 1723 01:23:08,960 --> 01:23:10,760 it just me? Is it my parenting style? 1724 01:23:10,760 --> 01:23:13,480 Is everything else like that? I think there's, there's more 1725 01:23:13,480 --> 01:23:14,200 training. Yeah. 1726 01:23:14,200 --> 01:23:18,560 There's, you know, and even when the white people was coming out 1727 01:23:18,560 --> 01:23:21,800 and there was a talk, every teacher in this country is going 1728 01:23:21,800 --> 01:23:25,080 to be trained in neurodiversity and everything else like that. 1729 01:23:25,840 --> 01:23:30,160 We saw newspaper articles from the Guardian from, you know, 1730 01:23:30,360 --> 01:23:35,080 places like the The Spectator, and there were teachers actually 1731 01:23:35,080 --> 01:23:36,280 coming in. I'm a teacher. 1732 01:23:36,280 --> 01:23:39,400 I've been teaching 30 years. I think it's a bloody nonsense, 1733 01:23:39,400 --> 01:23:43,560 all this neurodiversity. Parents need to toughen up and 1734 01:23:43,560 --> 01:23:45,000 be more disciplined with their kids. 1735 01:23:45,000 --> 01:23:47,880 And they just want a label. And these are teachers. 1736 01:23:48,560 --> 01:23:50,400 So part of it is a training thing. 1737 01:23:51,000 --> 01:23:54,960 Part of it, unfortunately, is, you know, is it too old to teach 1738 01:23:54,960 --> 01:23:57,720 certain dogs new tricks? Do they want to learn? 1739 01:23:57,720 --> 01:23:59,240 Do they want to be part? Of you don't want to learn that. 1740 01:23:59,240 --> 01:24:00,760 I've got five years till I retire. 1741 01:24:00,760 --> 01:24:02,720 I don't give a shit. I'll just carry on doing what 1742 01:24:02,720 --> 01:24:04,440 I'm doing. It's, it's going to be like 1743 01:24:04,440 --> 01:24:07,680 that, but it, it takes community to keep pushing, keep shouting 1744 01:24:07,680 --> 01:24:10,080 and and demanding that more things change. 1745 01:24:10,080 --> 01:24:12,320 And it wouldn't take much. I mean like we've, we've both 1746 01:24:12,320 --> 01:24:18,920 had experience like with the NHS and our kids and I like I, I 1747 01:24:18,920 --> 01:24:20,960 felt like I was going mental every time I went back. 1748 01:24:20,960 --> 01:24:23,120 I was like how? How would you still? 1749 01:24:23,360 --> 01:24:25,640 Why don't you read the notes? Yeah, I remember you said. 1750 01:24:25,920 --> 01:24:30,800 How how are you still not knowing what's going on here? 1751 01:24:30,960 --> 01:24:34,040 Like you're treating my child like he's typical. 1752 01:24:34,720 --> 01:24:37,040 It's and the other thing is like, do you know what? 1753 01:24:37,040 --> 01:24:39,760 It's not bothering Thomas. It's not bothering Thomas at 1754 01:24:39,760 --> 01:24:42,160 all. You can give a shit, but for the 1755 01:24:42,160 --> 01:24:45,480 parents that's still early on in the journey if you're a 1756 01:24:45,480 --> 01:24:48,640 physician of some description and you keep trying to talk to 1757 01:24:48,640 --> 01:24:50,080 the child. Who's non verbal? 1758 01:24:50,080 --> 01:24:52,920 Who's non verbal because it says so in his notes. 1759 01:24:53,760 --> 01:24:56,320 I get that some people would be like, well, no, that's polite. 1760 01:24:56,320 --> 01:24:58,920 That that is, you know, in society it's like, yeah, cool. 1761 01:24:58,920 --> 01:25:00,440 All right. When he doesn't respond for the 1762 01:25:00,440 --> 01:25:02,400 first time, stop trying. Because now you've got 2 parents 1763 01:25:02,400 --> 01:25:05,240 sat there who might really be struggling with this diagnosis. 1764 01:25:05,480 --> 01:25:07,600 They've now got to drag their kid in for an eye, eye 1765 01:25:07,600 --> 01:25:09,560 assessment, which isn't going to go well. 1766 01:25:09,920 --> 01:25:16,040 And it starts with you going hello, hello, hello, just like 1767 01:25:16,040 --> 01:25:17,240 shit like that. And that wouldn't take much 1768 01:25:17,240 --> 01:25:18,200 training. I agree with you. 1769 01:25:18,200 --> 01:25:20,880 I think it's a training issue, but it's not a lot of training. 1770 01:25:20,880 --> 01:25:22,760 I could knock that training out in 20 minutes. 1771 01:25:22,960 --> 01:25:25,120 Yeah, read the notes. Just read the notes. 1772 01:25:25,120 --> 01:25:27,320 Yeah, thank you for coming to my tech talk. 1773 01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:29,320 It would like be that quick. Yeah, absolutely. 1774 01:25:30,200 --> 01:25:32,000 OK. Why is there so little support 1775 01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:34,520 for parents after receiving an autism diagnosis? 1776 01:25:35,800 --> 01:25:39,680 We went on the early bird, I think it was called the early 1777 01:25:39,720 --> 01:25:44,040 bird course, which wouldn't call IT support, I'm not sure. 1778 01:25:45,480 --> 01:25:49,680 And it was like it was, it was on a Tuesday morning again, like 1779 01:25:49,680 --> 01:25:52,040 it was, it was, it was on a weekday on a Tuesday. 1780 01:25:52,920 --> 01:25:55,600 And I, fortunately I was, I was in a position I could just take, 1781 01:25:55,600 --> 01:26:00,520 take the time off work and you'd sit with other families and 1782 01:26:00,960 --> 01:26:04,120 learn a little bit about autism. But that was a few sessions 1783 01:26:04,120 --> 01:26:07,480 every few weeks, one day a week. That was all we did. 1784 01:26:07,480 --> 01:26:11,200 Don't get me wrong, it was fantastic, but that was it. 1785 01:26:11,200 --> 01:26:16,240 It was maybe 4 or five sessions. But as far as support's 1786 01:26:16,240 --> 01:26:18,160 concerned, well, there isn't any. 1787 01:26:18,800 --> 01:26:22,800 There's no like emotional support or psychological help or 1788 01:26:22,800 --> 01:26:24,480 anything like that. It's just Yep, your kids 1789 01:26:24,480 --> 01:26:27,120 autistic off your pop. That's literally what it was 1790 01:26:27,520 --> 01:26:27,800 like. Yeah. 1791 01:26:28,080 --> 01:26:29,160 There you go. Here's diagnosis. 1792 01:26:29,160 --> 01:26:30,440 Yeah, I remember going what's next? 1793 01:26:32,760 --> 01:26:33,680 Nothing. Nothing. 1794 01:26:33,680 --> 01:26:35,400 We've done our bit now you've got the diagnosis. 1795 01:26:36,000 --> 01:26:40,480 That's it, yeah. So again, I think that's another 1796 01:26:40,480 --> 01:26:44,320 funding issue. It's just not a priority. 1797 01:26:46,160 --> 01:26:49,000 Yeah, unfortunately there's no guide to this is that you learn 1798 01:26:49,000 --> 01:26:50,240 from. On the fly. 1799 01:26:50,640 --> 01:26:52,840 On the fly, speaking to other parents. 1800 01:26:53,200 --> 01:26:55,640 That's literally it, yeah. And then you pass it down to the 1801 01:26:55,640 --> 01:26:58,240 next group of parents that are going to be going down the same 1802 01:26:58,240 --> 01:26:59,440 journey that you found yourself on. 1803 01:26:59,520 --> 01:27:01,800 Yeah. Why aren't there enough 1804 01:27:01,800 --> 01:27:05,080 specialist schools and nurseries for children with high complex 1805 01:27:05,080 --> 01:27:08,640 needs, Andy? Why isn't there Georgia gold 1806 01:27:09,800 --> 01:27:14,240 money money is is simply it it's simply money. 1807 01:27:14,240 --> 01:27:16,240 They're they're. Very expensive. 1808 01:27:18,080 --> 01:27:20,040 I mean, we're spending a fortune on them now, and they're 1809 01:27:20,040 --> 01:27:25,000 privately held. They're very expensive early on. 1810 01:27:25,160 --> 01:27:28,440 Yeah, I think that's the key thing here. 1811 01:27:29,920 --> 01:27:33,400 Over the lifetime of the child, it could be better to actually 1812 01:27:33,400 --> 01:27:35,440 spend the money up front and have these specialist schools. 1813 01:27:35,480 --> 01:27:37,520 Absolutely would be, but because there's also different 1814 01:27:37,520 --> 01:27:41,520 departments, different budgets. Yeah, it's, it's a, it's an 1815 01:27:41,520 --> 01:27:43,880 investment, essentially. It's an investment early on so 1816 01:27:43,880 --> 01:27:48,000 that you're not having to pay for God knows what else for the 1817 01:27:48,000 --> 01:27:52,760 rest of the child's life. There are so many children who 1818 01:27:52,760 --> 01:27:55,320 are in mainstream schools that shouldn't be. 1819 01:27:56,000 --> 01:27:59,440 There's certainly going to be a lot of children in mainstream 1820 01:27:59,640 --> 01:28:07,120 specialist hubs that should be in specialist schools still. 1821 01:28:07,640 --> 01:28:09,400 It's just to see how. That they just won't fund it. 1822 01:28:09,480 --> 01:28:10,800 It's. Money, yeah. 1823 01:28:11,520 --> 01:28:14,320 There's no clever answer or intelligent answer to this. 1824 01:28:14,320 --> 01:28:18,800 It's that we won't fund it. Yeah, it's too expensive. 1825 01:28:19,280 --> 01:28:21,400 We can't take too much money out of the education budget and put 1826 01:28:21,400 --> 01:28:25,240 it in here because we need it for the other children who 1827 01:28:25,240 --> 01:28:28,680 rightly need education as well, but we can't do that. 1828 01:28:30,840 --> 01:28:33,240 Yeah, like, like a lot of this, it's a funding issue. 1829 01:28:34,600 --> 01:28:35,880 It depends how deep you want to go into it. 1830 01:28:35,880 --> 01:28:38,240 We're not going to get too critical, but even if there's a 1831 01:28:38,240 --> 01:28:40,280 lot, there's a lot of money that is wasted. 1832 01:28:40,480 --> 01:28:42,240 There is, yeah. There's a lot of money that's 1833 01:28:42,240 --> 01:28:45,080 spent, spent in other ways. There's a lot of money that goes 1834 01:28:45,080 --> 01:28:47,280 overseas, everything else like that, and you know, we're not 1835 01:28:47,280 --> 01:28:48,880 going to get into the politics of that, but. 1836 01:28:49,680 --> 01:28:51,720 Yeah, a lot of stuff that's going on at the moment, like I 1837 01:28:51,720 --> 01:28:54,720 hear figures being mentioned, like how much certain things 1838 01:28:54,720 --> 01:28:58,400 cost the UK on an annual basis. I hear stuff like that. 1839 01:28:58,400 --> 01:29:01,880 And I'm like, Oh my God, what you could do with that? 1840 01:29:01,880 --> 01:29:04,560 What you could do with that money for specialist kids, for 1841 01:29:04,560 --> 01:29:07,920 for disabled kids. There's no right or wrong answer 1842 01:29:07,920 --> 01:29:11,920 here, but in terms of facts, so much money will go to Ukraine 1843 01:29:11,920 --> 01:29:15,880 every year to to kind of assist with the conflict there. 1844 01:29:16,360 --> 01:29:17,880 Foreign aid. Yeah, foreign aid, but then you 1845 01:29:17,880 --> 01:29:21,080 go, OK, no problem at all. If we had a fraction of that, 1846 01:29:21,080 --> 01:29:23,280 could we open up a number of specialist schools and trained 1847 01:29:23,280 --> 01:29:25,760 individuals? The answer probably is yes, you 1848 01:29:25,760 --> 01:29:30,360 could do. But there doesn't seem to be a 1849 01:29:30,360 --> 01:29:33,280 need to do that or a desire to do that at the moment, no. 1850 01:29:34,160 --> 01:29:35,600 And we're. Spending and. 1851 01:29:35,600 --> 01:29:37,280 See what happens with this white paper? 1852 01:29:37,360 --> 01:29:39,520 Yeah, I can only see this kind of thing of, you know, what's 1853 01:29:39,520 --> 01:29:41,280 going on with the white paper and the proposed changes that 1854 01:29:41,280 --> 01:29:44,280 we've we've discussed at great length as being some sort of 1855 01:29:44,280 --> 01:29:47,120 experiment. And it's either going to work or 1856 01:29:47,120 --> 01:29:49,600 it's not going to work. If it doesn't work, they're 1857 01:29:49,600 --> 01:29:54,160 going to need to pivot very quickly, which is they're going 1858 01:29:54,160 --> 01:29:56,040 to have to build schools. That's the only other option 1859 01:29:56,040 --> 01:29:57,840 they have. After that is if it doesn't 1860 01:29:57,840 --> 01:30:00,000 work, they're going to have to build more specialist schools. 1861 01:30:00,000 --> 01:30:01,760 There's no other option. And it's not the sort of thing 1862 01:30:01,760 --> 01:30:04,400 that you can just go, hey, we're going to do a DIYSOS and we're 1863 01:30:04,400 --> 01:30:05,840 going to get loads of trades women. 1864 01:30:05,880 --> 01:30:07,200 We're going to we're going to build something. 1865 01:30:07,200 --> 01:30:12,320 No, it's it's not. And at the moment the government 1866 01:30:12,320 --> 01:30:15,200 doesn't seem to want to make that a priority. 1867 01:30:15,440 --> 01:30:18,240 And then again, you know, if you did start building, building 1868 01:30:18,240 --> 01:30:24,080 specialist schools, every town across the UK could do with one 1869 01:30:24,080 --> 01:30:26,320 or two. Yeah, yeah. 1870 01:30:26,520 --> 01:30:28,480 And still then it would probably reach capacity. 1871 01:30:30,160 --> 01:30:32,400 Yeah. But at the moment there's no 1872 01:30:32,400 --> 01:30:35,920 desire to well, we don't see the desire, no exactly as parents of 1873 01:30:35,920 --> 01:30:39,000 them going, you know they may be, but you know, living it life 1874 01:30:39,000 --> 01:30:40,400 to life you. Don't see it or feel it. 1875 01:30:40,520 --> 01:30:44,160 There's no evidence of it. Yeah, to parents of neurotypical 1876 01:30:44,160 --> 01:30:47,920 children and to the older generation, why do you feel the 1877 01:30:47,920 --> 01:30:51,960 need to refuse a diagnosis and call it bad parenting again or 1878 01:30:51,960 --> 01:30:55,640 keep telling us it wasn't the thing back in the day? 1879 01:30:55,640 --> 01:30:58,560 That's not what you said earlier. 1880 01:30:58,680 --> 01:31:03,600 Yeah. I don't know. 1881 01:31:03,880 --> 01:31:07,080 It's again, it's a lack of understanding as a lack of 1882 01:31:07,800 --> 01:31:10,400 understanding or willingness to educate themselves. 1883 01:31:11,040 --> 01:31:15,000 It's maybe refuses to accept. It's, it's just ignorance, isn't 1884 01:31:15,000 --> 01:31:15,920 it? At the end of the day, they're 1885 01:31:15,920 --> 01:31:19,280 just there are it's dinosaurs. They're like, it's yeah, it's 1886 01:31:19,400 --> 01:31:21,000 dinosaurs. They don't, they don't believe. 1887 01:31:21,000 --> 01:31:22,360 Well, they do believe a lot of things. 1888 01:31:22,360 --> 01:31:26,200 And, you know, certain generations just believe 1889 01:31:26,200 --> 01:31:29,120 everything they see on the news. It wasn't a thing back in that 1890 01:31:29,120 --> 01:31:31,960 thing really pisses me off. It wasn't a thing back in the 1891 01:31:31,960 --> 01:31:32,920 day. Do you know what I mean? 1892 01:31:32,920 --> 01:31:34,720 It's like, well, that doesn't mean it never. 1893 01:31:34,720 --> 01:31:36,080 Happened. It doesn't mean it didn't exist 1894 01:31:36,080 --> 01:31:37,280 You. Were you were building your 1895 01:31:37,280 --> 01:31:39,640 house out of fucking asbestos? We're not doing that anymore. 1896 01:31:39,640 --> 01:31:42,440 We've learned, haven't we? We've moved on, Yeah. 1897 01:31:42,440 --> 01:31:44,480 So please try and do the same. Do you know what I mean? 1898 01:31:44,480 --> 01:31:46,840 It's a really good example actually, Yeah. 1899 01:31:47,160 --> 01:31:48,360 What was the thing back in the day? 1900 01:31:48,360 --> 01:31:51,080 Building ages with asbestos. Yeah, and if a kid was naughty, 1901 01:31:51,080 --> 01:31:53,680 we just, we just get the cane out and just beat them with it 1902 01:31:53,680 --> 01:31:55,200 would beat the autism out of them. 1903 01:31:55,200 --> 01:31:58,240 It'd be absolutely fine. No, it doesn't work like that. 1904 01:31:58,240 --> 01:32:01,040 And that's why, you know, we look at stats like in the Prison 1905 01:32:01,040 --> 01:32:04,560 Service, not the Prison Service, but in terms of kind of people 1906 01:32:04,560 --> 01:32:07,280 that are locked up, a high proportion of them from a 1907 01:32:07,280 --> 01:32:10,120 neurodiverse background as well. So, yeah, it wasn't a thing back 1908 01:32:10,120 --> 01:32:12,320 in the day. Hey, ho, they've they're now in 1909 01:32:12,320 --> 01:32:15,280 prison. So yeah, win, win, win, win. 1910 01:32:15,800 --> 01:32:19,200 Win. OK, this send let's have a look 1911 01:32:19,200 --> 01:32:21,720 Why do dads feel they miss the most? 1912 01:32:21,920 --> 01:32:24,320 What What do dads feel they miss the most? 1913 01:32:24,320 --> 01:32:28,160 Having a neurodivergent child, for example, they may have 1914 01:32:28,160 --> 01:32:31,880 envisaged football games. How have they navigated that or 1915 01:32:31,880 --> 01:32:34,040 found alternative connections with their children? 1916 01:32:34,040 --> 01:32:36,800 That's a really good question from my mum. 1917 01:32:36,800 --> 01:32:38,000 That's a nice question from my mum. 1918 01:32:38,000 --> 01:32:45,480 She's asking, asking dads. I, I, I just missed that. 1919 01:32:46,880 --> 01:32:54,080 The it's, it's just the stuff you said earlier. 1920 01:32:54,080 --> 01:32:56,160 It's just that. The everyday the. 1921 01:32:56,320 --> 01:32:58,480 Everyday. Moments though, where's Daddy 1922 01:32:58,480 --> 01:33:00,280 everyone takes for granted. Like do you want to go do this? 1923 01:33:00,280 --> 01:33:01,800 Do you want to get like? Do you want to come? 1924 01:33:02,160 --> 01:33:03,520 Can we do some drawing together? Yeah. 1925 01:33:03,520 --> 01:33:05,320 Can I show you this? And don't get me wrong. 1926 01:33:05,360 --> 01:33:07,800 And it's like it's Skype, Christmas and stuff like that. 1927 01:33:07,800 --> 01:33:12,840 And yeah, exactly. But we get like, we get 1928 01:33:12,840 --> 01:33:15,800 different versions of that, you know, whether it's like Thomas 1929 01:33:15,800 --> 01:33:18,440 just leaning his head in or something like that, or pulling 1930 01:33:18,440 --> 01:33:21,640 me to spin him on his chair, you know, doesn't happen often. 1931 01:33:21,640 --> 01:33:24,600 But when it does, that's that, that, that's that thing I'm 1932 01:33:24,600 --> 01:33:27,320 missing. I miss. 1933 01:33:27,680 --> 01:33:31,400 And this again is I, I'm sad that I'm never going to have a 1934 01:33:31,400 --> 01:33:34,320 daughter. Like I'll never like, I just 1935 01:33:34,320 --> 01:33:36,840 really wanted to have a daughter who's just wanted to experience 1936 01:33:36,840 --> 01:33:38,840 the Daddy dawn. And obviously you're going to 1937 01:33:38,840 --> 01:33:40,200 choose what kids what you're going to get. 1938 01:33:40,480 --> 01:33:44,720 But it makes me a bit sad sometimes that that I feel 1939 01:33:44,720 --> 01:33:49,960 guilty saying it, like Thomas's autism has stopped me trying to 1940 01:33:49,960 --> 01:33:58,480 have another child through fear of making Thomas's life worse or 1941 01:34:00,400 --> 01:34:03,200 us having doubled the workload within autism, you know? 1942 01:34:03,640 --> 01:34:04,880 But it's true. That's just the way it is. 1943 01:34:05,760 --> 01:34:07,240 So there's that as well. It's not really what they're 1944 01:34:07,240 --> 01:34:11,320 asking, but that's that's kind of what I miss. 1945 01:34:11,520 --> 01:34:13,440 Yeah, my, the everyday stuff, isn't it? 1946 01:34:13,480 --> 01:34:18,920 Yeah, you know. Marriage as well, like like her 1947 01:34:18,920 --> 01:34:22,160 getting married and the whole dad aspect of that. 1948 01:34:22,280 --> 01:34:24,400 Is that something? Yeah, yeah, that's, that's, 1949 01:34:24,520 --> 01:34:29,120 that's kind of gone, you know, things like younger getting into 1950 01:34:29,120 --> 01:34:31,840 sports, you know, you know, we'll take it, you know, oh, we 1951 01:34:31,840 --> 01:34:34,280 might, she might be a gymnast or, you know, we'll take her to 1952 01:34:34,600 --> 01:34:37,000 some sort of dance lesson. Now that's that's not happening 1953 01:34:37,000 --> 01:34:42,080 at the moment or even as simple as, oh, what character is she 1954 01:34:42,080 --> 01:34:43,320 going to be in the nativity play? 1955 01:34:43,880 --> 01:34:45,160 We ain't doing that. We're not going to do a 1956 01:34:45,160 --> 01:34:47,400 Christmas nativity play. We're not going to see them 1957 01:34:47,400 --> 01:34:53,640 rehearse their lines for a a short story or, you know, have 1958 01:34:53,640 --> 01:34:55,560 her do her through a bit of creative writing. 1959 01:34:55,560 --> 01:34:57,280 And I've done a poem at school today. 1960 01:34:57,280 --> 01:35:01,080 This is the poem or or I've done this, or oh, that's lovely, or, 1961 01:35:01,280 --> 01:35:02,720 you know, put. Pictures on the fridge and. 1962 01:35:02,880 --> 01:35:06,560 All that, all this sort of stuff or Dad, I'd love an ice cream. 1963 01:35:06,560 --> 01:35:10,160 I'm, I'm, I've had to accept that's not going to happen. 1964 01:35:10,160 --> 01:35:13,080 Yeah, Go on holiday. Oh, yeah, we're going to get an 1965 01:35:13,080 --> 01:35:16,880 ice cream, build sandcastles and we're going to bury Dad and none 1966 01:35:16,880 --> 01:35:18,040 of that. That's not happening. 1967 01:35:20,000 --> 01:35:22,920 No, yeah, it's it is normally just the day-to-day stuff. 1968 01:35:22,920 --> 01:35:25,160 Isn't it? It's just the normal, everyday, 1969 01:35:25,160 --> 01:35:28,040 mundane stuff that everyone take, like you said before 1970 01:35:28,400 --> 01:35:29,520 having a child. Cut to go. 1971 01:35:29,520 --> 01:35:31,200 Go and tie my shoe later. Or me. 1972 01:35:31,200 --> 01:35:33,560 Yeah, that's not happening. No. 1973 01:35:34,680 --> 01:35:37,040 All the stuff everybody else takes a great thanks for 1974 01:35:37,040 --> 01:35:37,920 granted. For granted. 1975 01:35:38,200 --> 01:35:41,040 Or your kid coming in, going, I'm thirsty, have a glass of 1976 01:35:41,040 --> 01:35:42,920 water. Yeah, that's not happening. 1977 01:35:42,960 --> 01:35:46,480 Yeah. Just everyday stuff that people 1978 01:35:46,480 --> 01:35:47,920 take for granted. Read me a story. 1979 01:35:48,000 --> 01:35:50,760 Waiting up for Santa on like. You know, oh, yeah, there's 1980 01:35:50,760 --> 01:35:52,000 nothing. There's nothing there. 1981 01:35:52,880 --> 01:35:56,520 You just unfortunately just get accustomed to it. 1982 01:35:56,640 --> 01:35:59,160 Yeah, go. It's weird, isn't? 1983 01:35:59,160 --> 01:36:01,160 It Yeah. It's weird that you come 1984 01:36:01,160 --> 01:36:02,760 accustomed to something that's so sad. 1985 01:36:03,040 --> 01:36:05,880 Yeah. Because it's really sad, but you 1986 01:36:05,880 --> 01:36:09,880 just, you just go like, Oh well. What's the point of me devoting 1987 01:36:09,880 --> 01:36:11,320 too much time in thinking about it? 1988 01:36:11,640 --> 01:36:13,400 That's probably why we're a bit stumped sometimes when the 1989 01:36:13,400 --> 01:36:16,200 question comes up, because we're forced to now address it and 1990 01:36:16,200 --> 01:36:18,440 think about it, yes. Thanks for that. 1991 01:36:18,920 --> 01:36:20,720 Thanks for that one. Yeah, only joking. 1992 01:36:22,280 --> 01:36:24,720 How can I best support my part? Oh this is good. 1993 01:36:24,720 --> 01:36:26,080 Oh we're going to give him a shout out. 1994 01:36:26,520 --> 01:36:29,920 How can I best support my partner as a step mum in his 1995 01:36:29,920 --> 01:36:32,320 nine year old autistic son with high care needs? 1996 01:36:32,320 --> 01:36:35,080 Especially as we're getting married next year and want to 1997 01:36:35,080 --> 01:36:38,480 include him in the day without overwhelming him. 1998 01:36:40,600 --> 01:36:42,800 That's a nice question. That's a really nice question. 1999 01:36:42,800 --> 01:36:44,680 It's have I skipped one? I missed one. 2000 01:36:44,680 --> 01:36:47,240 Oh no. That's one it's it's great that 2001 01:36:47,240 --> 01:36:49,000 you've been thinking like. That that's really nice. 2002 01:36:49,040 --> 01:36:51,120 That's that's really good, especially if a step parent 2003 01:36:51,120 --> 01:36:53,960 stepping into this this crazy world. 2004 01:36:54,040 --> 01:36:57,600 Yeah, because that's a big deal. Like, shout out to all the step 2005 01:36:57,600 --> 01:37:01,640 parents. Yeah, because how can I word 2006 01:37:01,640 --> 01:37:03,240 this without sounding like a twat? 2007 01:37:03,880 --> 01:37:08,720 When you if you're a single parent with a child with 2008 01:37:08,720 --> 01:37:13,440 additional needs, like it or not, that's baggage, right? 2009 01:37:14,120 --> 01:37:16,080 For lack of a better word, that's baggage. 2010 01:37:16,080 --> 01:37:19,520 That is that's a big deal for someone else to take on board. 2011 01:37:20,000 --> 01:37:23,040 Even if you take on board another child, just a normal, 2012 01:37:23,040 --> 01:37:24,960 typical child, that's a big deal. 2013 01:37:25,560 --> 01:37:29,960 But if if a step parent who loves you to death and they love 2014 01:37:29,960 --> 01:37:33,000 your kid who's got additional needs and and they I say take 2015 01:37:33,000 --> 01:37:35,840 that on, it sounds like it sounds like a negative, but if 2016 01:37:35,840 --> 01:37:38,920 they're doing that, like man, they love you. 2017 01:37:38,920 --> 01:37:40,960 Yeah, absolutely. They love, you know, if a 2018 01:37:40,960 --> 01:37:46,800 neurotypical, you know, partner has kids anyway, you know, it's, 2019 01:37:46,800 --> 01:37:50,360 it's, it's a challenge at the best of times and you know, you 2020 01:37:50,360 --> 01:37:52,320 can get it right at times. You can, it goes wrong at times 2021 01:37:52,320 --> 01:37:54,800 and then it kind of balances out, you know, blending families 2022 01:37:54,800 --> 01:37:57,400 and all this sort of stuff is, is, is, is difficult, but 2023 01:37:57,560 --> 01:37:59,760 there's usually the knowledge at some point they'll turn 18, be 2024 01:37:59,760 --> 01:38:02,240 an adult. And it's a lot easier then 2025 01:38:02,240 --> 01:38:04,440 because they're not in their life, you know, day in, day out 2026 01:38:04,440 --> 01:38:06,440 sort of thing. You're, you're stepping in 2027 01:38:06,440 --> 01:38:08,800 toward where there's going to be a child that's going to require 2028 01:38:09,520 --> 01:38:14,680 lifelong care, then that that you're not just taking that 2029 01:38:14,680 --> 01:38:17,520 person on, you're taking on, you know that that child as well. 2030 01:38:17,520 --> 01:38:22,120 So that that is, you know, hats off to anybody that that puts 2031 01:38:22,120 --> 01:38:25,720 themselves into that situation in terms of how you support 2032 01:38:25,720 --> 01:38:28,680 them. Yeah, I mean, you're probably 2033 01:38:28,680 --> 01:38:31,480 already doing it. By asking that sort of question. 2034 01:38:31,480 --> 01:38:33,640 I mean, you're probably, I hope you're really doing it because 2035 01:38:33,640 --> 01:38:34,760 you're getting married next year. 2036 01:38:34,760 --> 01:38:36,880 So I'm guessing you've been together for a while and you 2037 01:38:36,880 --> 01:38:40,240 didn't meet him last week. Yeah, and you won't even include 2038 01:38:40,240 --> 01:38:42,640 him in the day again. That's awesome without 2039 01:38:42,640 --> 01:38:46,160 overwhelming him. That's hard to, I mean, I don't 2040 01:38:46,160 --> 01:38:49,760 know the profundity of the autism, but it's awesome that 2041 01:38:49,760 --> 01:38:51,600 you're getting him involved. I think it's a great idea to get 2042 01:38:51,600 --> 01:38:54,320 him involved. Just work out just between the 2043 01:38:54,320 --> 01:38:56,560 two of them. Just work out whatever you think 2044 01:38:56,560 --> 01:38:58,760 is the the right amount of involvement. 2045 01:38:58,760 --> 01:39:01,200 Yeah, hopefully there's, there's kind of other family members 2046 01:39:01,200 --> 01:39:04,360 there that will step in or, you know, if the day gets or it's, 2047 01:39:04,800 --> 01:39:08,520 we agree that they'll be there for an hour, 2 hours exactly. 2048 01:39:08,800 --> 01:39:12,760 Once we get to the meal bit then we, we may include them in the 2049 01:39:12,760 --> 01:39:14,360 meal again. It might be, oh, we've got to 2050 01:39:14,360 --> 01:39:16,160 have them make sure we've got favourite foods there for the 2051 01:39:16,160 --> 01:39:18,360 meal. And then on your speech. 2052 01:39:18,400 --> 01:39:22,480 Speeches what may be different because, you know, we don't have 2053 01:39:22,480 --> 01:39:24,520 too much laughing and you know, oh, there's so many different 2054 01:39:24,520 --> 01:39:26,840 things depending on the child. But yeah, sounds like you're 2055 01:39:26,840 --> 01:39:28,520 already asking the right. Question, I mean, hi Kenny. 2056 01:39:28,560 --> 01:39:30,920 So I'm, I'm going to guess then non verbal. 2057 01:39:33,280 --> 01:39:36,360 Otherwise, if they are verbal, yeah, by some rare chance 2058 01:39:36,360 --> 01:39:38,400 they're high care needs, but they're but they are verbal. 2059 01:39:38,400 --> 01:39:41,640 Just can you ask them? Can you say like we'd really 2060 01:39:41,640 --> 01:39:44,840 love you to be involved, but what you or do you want to do? 2061 01:39:44,840 --> 01:39:47,800 Pressure on the child, don't be pressure on yourselves for it to 2062 01:39:47,800 --> 01:39:51,080 go a certain way again, even if the child's only there and 2063 01:39:51,120 --> 01:39:53,640 they're not even taking the service in, but you want them to 2064 01:39:53,640 --> 01:39:55,640 be there and they're just playing with fidget toys or 2065 01:39:55,640 --> 01:39:58,920 whatever the case may be or, you know, stimming or whatever 2066 01:39:58,920 --> 01:40:00,760 works. Yeah, I think at the end of the 2067 01:40:00,760 --> 01:40:04,800 day and you may because. As we know with with Arcade, you 2068 01:40:04,800 --> 01:40:06,880 may put a plan in place that you think that's going to work now 2069 01:40:06,880 --> 01:40:08,480 three months time. Yep, that's the plan we're going 2070 01:40:08,480 --> 01:40:09,240 to stick to. On the day. 2071 01:40:09,240 --> 01:40:11,560 It can be completely different. Yeah, even even in in a 2072 01:40:11,560 --> 01:40:15,400 completely just normal wedding, just full of typical people, it 2073 01:40:15,400 --> 01:40:16,760 usually never goes to plan anyway. 2074 01:40:17,080 --> 01:40:19,160 Yeah. And and just what you're doing 2075 01:40:19,160 --> 01:40:21,440 now, just keep, keep being thoughtful like that. 2076 01:40:21,560 --> 01:40:23,800 Yeah, I think. Oh mate, you the fact she asked 2077 01:40:23,800 --> 01:40:27,000 that question I. Think you just just keep being 2078 01:40:27,000 --> 01:40:29,720 that individual and I'm, if you're that sort of person, 2079 01:40:29,720 --> 01:40:31,840 you're asking these sort of questions, then I think you're 2080 01:40:31,840 --> 01:40:34,200 already doing enough to support your partner and, and hopefully 2081 01:40:34,200 --> 01:40:36,040 they recognise that as well and I'm sure they do. 2082 01:40:36,040 --> 01:40:40,280 Definitely last one. Final question, as a mum I build 2083 01:40:40,280 --> 01:40:44,760 a network of friends within the Sen commute parent community but 2084 01:40:44,760 --> 01:40:47,360 this has been a struggle for my husband. 2085 01:40:47,440 --> 01:40:49,560 Any tips? Yeah, if you just tell your 2086 01:40:49,560 --> 01:40:54,120 husband to join the Autism Dad Cast Discord, Facebook group, 2087 01:40:54,560 --> 01:40:58,440 Instagram, follow us on YouTube and Spotify and just drop loads 2088 01:40:58,440 --> 01:41:01,760 of comments in, that'd be great. No seriously, just again, find, 2089 01:41:01,960 --> 01:41:04,000 find a tribe. It's going to be difficult with 2090 01:41:04,000 --> 01:41:07,040 with kind of men because they don't like talking much. 2091 01:41:08,600 --> 01:41:12,960 I think for me, early on as well, going back, not to harp on 2092 01:41:12,960 --> 01:41:15,960 about this running thing, but I felt a bit useless at the start 2093 01:41:15,960 --> 01:41:18,520 because I didn't have anybody to tap into. 2094 01:41:18,840 --> 01:41:24,920 So my way of feeling like I was being proactive or kind of 2095 01:41:24,920 --> 01:41:29,000 accepting it was I'd signed up and did a 10K run, then a, you 2096 01:41:29,000 --> 01:41:32,600 know, just for autism because I had nobody I could share it 2097 01:41:32,600 --> 01:41:35,320 with, but I wanted to feel like. You're doing something I. 2098 01:41:35,320 --> 01:41:37,680 Was doing something so I was like, I'm fundraising for this 2099 01:41:37,680 --> 01:41:40,240 and then people were like, oh, you're doing a really good 2100 01:41:40,240 --> 01:41:41,840 'cause and everything else like that. 2101 01:41:42,520 --> 01:41:44,760 And then it's just, yeah, unfortunately you're going to 2102 01:41:44,760 --> 01:41:46,320 have to put yourself out there a little bit. 2103 01:41:47,040 --> 01:41:49,120 Unless BIOS and weird coincidence, your best mate 2104 01:41:49,120 --> 01:41:51,640 somebody has a child that's autistic as well. 2105 01:41:52,880 --> 01:41:57,880 But he's probably given him space to get his head round it. 2106 01:41:57,880 --> 01:42:00,360 And I don't know how how old the child's been is. 2107 01:42:02,280 --> 01:42:04,200 And at some point he's he's got to just. 2108 01:42:04,200 --> 01:42:06,440 And where she where she said it's been a struggle. 2109 01:42:06,480 --> 01:42:10,880 Does she mean he's trying and struggling or does she mean he's 2110 01:42:11,000 --> 01:42:12,640 just struggling with the whole thing? 2111 01:42:12,640 --> 01:42:13,680 With the whole thing? Yeah. 2112 01:42:13,680 --> 01:42:17,600 Like if he does want people to speak to, there's there's so 2113 01:42:17,600 --> 01:42:20,640 many, there's, there's so many people that he can speak to. 2114 01:42:20,640 --> 01:42:22,400 There's groups all over the place, There's ours, but there's 2115 01:42:22,400 --> 01:42:23,720 loads of others on Facebook as well. 2116 01:42:25,360 --> 01:42:29,880 But yeah, again, it's whether he wants to speak to anyone or not. 2117 01:42:30,120 --> 01:42:32,960 Yeah, it's whether, you know, she's OK because she's got this 2118 01:42:32,960 --> 01:42:34,440 network and he's just struggling on his. 2119 01:42:34,480 --> 01:42:38,000 Own again, this is the other thing, isn't it, that, that mums 2120 01:42:38,000 --> 01:42:41,760 are very good at having Sen network, Sen networks and 2121 01:42:41,800 --> 01:42:45,400 they're very proactive on there. Whereas dads are historically 2122 01:42:45,400 --> 01:42:47,360 pretty, pretty bad at that side of things. 2123 01:42:48,440 --> 01:42:52,160 Unless we find a group of dads who are, you know, still have 2124 01:42:52,160 --> 01:42:55,520 the same dark humour and you're still not, you're not going to 2125 01:42:55,520 --> 01:42:57,560 get treated with gig gloves. You're still going to have the 2126 01:42:57,720 --> 01:42:59,760 the piss ripped out of you and everything else like that. 2127 01:42:59,760 --> 01:43:02,200 You're not going to be made to feel special, but you're with 2128 01:43:02,200 --> 01:43:03,440 dads. I absolutely get it. 2129 01:43:03,440 --> 01:43:06,720 Yeah. But yeah, it's fine in that 2130 01:43:06,720 --> 01:43:08,640 group. For that one, just like get him 2131 01:43:08,640 --> 01:43:14,120 to send us a message if he wants to and you know, we'll talk to 2132 01:43:14,120 --> 01:43:16,360 him. Same goes for anybody. 2133 01:43:16,360 --> 01:43:18,200 Anybody that wants, wants to get in touch because they're 2134 01:43:18,200 --> 01:43:20,320 struggling on their own. Communities are getting bigger 2135 01:43:20,320 --> 01:43:23,160 and bigger. It's free and it's just a load 2136 01:43:23,160 --> 01:43:26,120 of people just chatting and sharing stories, horror stories 2137 01:43:26,120 --> 01:43:26,840 as well. Sometimes. 2138 01:43:28,920 --> 01:43:30,120 That's it mate. Cool. 2139 01:43:30,560 --> 01:43:31,880 That was good. I enjoyed that, Yeah. 2140 01:43:32,440 --> 01:43:35,080 Lots of questions from the mums, not a surprise there. 2141 01:43:35,080 --> 01:43:38,160 Yeah, what was interesting was the mums questions were how can 2142 01:43:38,160 --> 01:43:39,920 I get my dad, the dad on? Board, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I 2143 01:43:40,080 --> 01:43:41,240 support. That's a lot of that. 2144 01:43:41,240 --> 01:43:43,320 Why they're useless? Yeah, again, that's because 2145 01:43:43,320 --> 01:43:46,760 women are naturally more nurturing, more kind of caring 2146 01:43:46,760 --> 01:43:50,680 and empathetic in that way. So again, the problem is not 2147 01:43:50,680 --> 01:43:54,080 only they trying to nurture their child, they're also trying 2148 01:43:54,080 --> 01:43:57,280 to do something similar for their partner who in an enormous 2149 01:43:57,280 --> 01:44:00,520 situation, the partner would be there with them. 2150 01:44:00,520 --> 01:44:05,960 And it sounds a bit harsh, but it it does come a point where as 2151 01:44:05,960 --> 01:44:10,000 a bloke you just got to go mate. Just get a grip now. 2152 01:44:10,440 --> 01:44:13,880 You've got to accept this for everyone's sake and your own. 2153 01:44:13,920 --> 01:44:16,920 And it's difficult when your mates aren't living it. 2154 01:44:17,400 --> 01:44:18,880 Oh, absolutely. Because they won't say that to 2155 01:44:18,880 --> 01:44:21,680 you, though if you if your mates have got no to your kids, they 2156 01:44:21,680 --> 01:44:24,200 won't go to you. They go, Oh yeah, they'll be 2157 01:44:24,440 --> 01:44:26,920 like that. If you are within a network of 2158 01:44:26,920 --> 01:44:30,360 dads that are going through something similar or a couple of 2159 01:44:30,360 --> 01:44:31,760 years ahead of you and they can they go. 2160 01:44:32,400 --> 01:44:36,040 I recognise that that was me at this moment. 2161 01:44:37,240 --> 01:44:41,680 Go over it and then just buckle up because you need to get on 2162 01:44:41,680 --> 01:44:44,080 board pretty sharpish and this isn't about you anymore, but 2163 01:44:44,080 --> 01:44:46,240 have your moment, have your little cry, have your little 2164 01:44:46,240 --> 01:44:48,240 wow, the world's so hard. Why is it me? 2165 01:44:48,240 --> 01:44:49,760 What have I done wrong to deserve this? 2166 01:44:50,160 --> 01:44:52,680 All right, it's happened. And you're not going to take 2167 01:44:52,680 --> 01:44:55,560 that off mates with with a. No, you won't, because you'd be 2168 01:44:55,560 --> 01:44:57,440 like, you don't understand, you don't know what it's like. 2169 01:44:57,440 --> 01:44:59,680 Why are you telling me this? If you've got dads that have 2170 01:44:59,680 --> 01:45:01,120 already gone through there, they'll just go and. 2171 01:45:01,400 --> 01:45:02,640 They're telling you to wind your neck in. 2172 01:45:02,640 --> 01:45:05,240 Wind your bloody neck in now and stop it. 2173 01:45:05,400 --> 01:45:07,080 Yeah, right. It's done. 2174 01:45:07,120 --> 01:45:08,680 Yeah. You're not going to change a 2175 01:45:08,680 --> 01:45:09,480 child now. No. 2176 01:45:10,120 --> 01:45:10,960 Get on with it. Yeah. 2177 01:45:11,880 --> 01:45:14,320 And yeah, you've got to be rats surrounded by people that 2178 01:45:14,400 --> 01:45:18,000 understand it and, and and can, can say that to you. 2179 01:45:18,240 --> 01:45:20,640 But that was, yeah, that was nice because most of the mums 2180 01:45:20,640 --> 01:45:23,960 were, yeah, still thinking about other people. 2181 01:45:24,080 --> 01:45:26,240 Other people. Which was what mums do. 2182 01:45:26,360 --> 01:45:27,640 Yeah, because they're bloody awesome. 2183 01:45:27,640 --> 01:45:30,320 I. Know OK mate, I enjoyed that was 2184 01:45:30,320 --> 01:45:31,200 good. Really good. 2185 01:45:32,600 --> 01:45:34,400 Fucking hell, how long was it? Yeah, pretty long. 2186 01:45:34,480 --> 01:45:36,760 Holy shit. Yeah, not as long as London 2187 01:45:36,760 --> 01:45:38,840 Marathon, but. Why did you have to say? 2188 01:45:38,880 --> 01:45:40,240 That that's all I think about that. 2189 01:45:41,680 --> 01:45:42,560 All right, mate. Thank you very much. 2190 01:45:42,560 --> 01:45:44,880 Absolutely pleasure. Guys love you loads. 2191 01:45:45,280 --> 01:45:46,760 Follow us everywhere. Thank you. 2192 01:45:47,160 --> 01:45:48,840 See you soon. Take care, Bye bye, bye bye.