Welcome, brothers, to another episode of the Men's Sexual
Mastery Podcast. This is Ben Timby tuning in from
Austin, TX. Hey, this is Ian Hawkes tuning
in from Kelowna, BC, Canada. We've had the podcast offline
for a number of months while Hawks and I have been busy
working away creating the new course, which we just finished
our first cohort of with three different groups of men couple
months ago. And we're just into our second
launch, which now is a six month training.
It's an honor to be here with you brother in Stoke, to have
you on the podcast in this next launch.
Yeah, thank you. It's an honor to be here and and
to witness just how ready the world is and just how ready the
brothers are that are entering this program and joining us.
Now let's dive into today's topic, which is updating our
sexual software, which is what's at the core of all of this work.
You know, most of us have inherited unconscious sexual
programming, whether this or some school from, you know, our
families, from religion. And this work we're doing is
bringing a new software update, a new evolution of how we show
up as men both in the bedroom and down in the world, which as
we talk about all the time, are very connected.
So with that, I'd love to pass it over to you Hawks, and just
kick us off and sharing a little bit about how you see this
absent father archetype show up in the work.
The absent Father archetype is something that is, for many of
us at the root of this longing for role models, this longing
for connection and brotherhood. And one way to start off
addressing the absent father archetype is to speak quite
clearly to what does that mean? How does it show up?
And I see a few different aspects of this.
There's the physical absent father, someone who quite
literally wasn't there. And this could be from an early
death or divorce in the family, in a fractured family unit or an
abandonment, you know, father who wasn't ready to be a father.
And then there's an emotionally absent father, which I think
it's also very common. It's a dad who's there
physically, but emotionally he's unavailable.
And there's not the opportunity for real affection and
validation, which we need as children growing up in order to
be really secure in ourselves. And then there's the energetic
absence that could show up as a father who hasn't integrated his
own masculinity. And this is, this is a big part
of the work that we're doing, is integrating these parts of
ourselves. Yeah, bro.
Well said. I yeah.
I love that you named all those different ways that the absent
father has presented itself and all those different levels and
physical form, emotional ways, energetic ways.
And, you know, what comes up for me is really where are we
actually being that in our lives?
And that's really where the rubber meets the road.
And a lot of this training like this is what we're covering in
some of the foundations of reclaiming your throne.
We say reclaiming the Kingdom, not being that absent father
who's out on an endless quest. There's also this like Peter Pan
archetype where there's just men constantly seeking whether it's
a new adventure, it's or it's a new woman or it's more money or
like something, anything outside of the present moment, anything
outside of what is it's us escaping the moment.
And that's the pattern. If we really were to like
distill it into how does this show up moment by moment?
If we look at things like porn addiction, for instance, why are
we going to porn? It's to check out, you know,
it's to numb, it's to become absent because it's too hard to
be here now. But when we talk about this in
the terms of our personal development and how it shows up
in the small, subtle ways, let's say within partnership, which
like a feminine partner will be the ultimate mirror, you know,
of like us facing our own inner demons, she'll pick up on
everything. And when we just check out of
the relationship, which is what often happens, you know, we're
going to porn to just offload our energy because it's too hard
to actually confront the reality that there's no intimacy in my
partnership right now because I've been an absent father.
You know, or there isn't a partnership at all.
And there's a deep longing for connection.
There's a deep longing for a sense of intimacy, for a sense
of connection, and perhaps there's deep resistance or a
lack of skill in acquiring a partner who can actually serve
to fill that void in a really holistic, sustainable, enriching
way. And so there's there's this
reaching of porn. I see a lot showing up for many
men in actually, I don't have a partnership, but there's this
deep desire within me to feel that connection and that level
of intimacy. And you know that we can string
this back to the absent father archetype as well.
You know, it could be the father who was absent for his wife, for
his partner, for the mother of his children, not being there
emotionally, energetically or physically in a way that created
a role model for children to really understand what it looks
like and how to be in a good way in an intimate relationship.
And so if we haven't learned how to do that, then of course, it
could be incredibly difficult to actually create that in our own
lives. And So what do we do?
Where do we, where do we find that?
Where do we find that guidance and receive the support that
that's really important for us to understand how to draw to us
a partner that we can then also show up in a deep sense of
connection with? Yeah, yeah, 100%.
And so many of these programs are running unconsciously just
like you spoke to. It's like when we didn't have
these role models, which to varying capacities, each and
every one of us, you know, inherited what we did from our
fathers. There's no shame or guilt, you
know, to be clear around what's been passed down.
But it is this, this pattern, this program can be running
beneath the surface in ways that are sabotaging our
relationships, which is what you're speaking to, whether we
are in relationship or we're, we're not so.
Yeah, yeah. I appreciate you speaking to
that. No, no shade on the fathers, on
the absent fathers. We've all been that too.
I know, I've been that. For sure, we're we're all
repeating patterns that we've learned.
And until we're resourced enough to have the tools and the level
of consciousness and awareness to rewrite those patterns, they
will continue to repeat. And I have deep compassion for
for the fathers and forefathers out there who were doing the
best they could. And it's up to us to recognize
where there's awareness and where there's now a new level of
consciousness and a new access to tools and support where it's
OK. The pattern doesn't need to
continue repeating because actually we are so resourced in
this day and age. And there are so many ways and
places that we can go to, to, to receive the role model, to
receive the support that that we may not have had.
And so I love, you know, I want to actually just shout out the
men in our programs. You know, we have 21 phenomenal
men showing up in our cohorts right now.
And one of the themes I see across the board is these men
are acknowledging the awareness that they have of where they're
not showing up fully. There's a level of awareness of
where they may have received some of these patterns, but it's
not from the victimhood of I am this way because I didn't have
the access to the support that I wanted or would have been
important for me growing up. But actually, I'm here to
rewrite these patterns. And it's bringing all of that
awareness and being willing to step forward and say, like, this
ends here. Yeah.
Replacing the absent father archetype with the present
father, with the king who has reclaimed his throne coming back
into full presence is ultimately what this is all about, which
sounds so simple and yet it is so deep.
You know all the ways that we often will escape the present
moment. And when we talk about bringing
it into the bedroom, this is really where we we say how we
show up in the world is how we show up in the bedroom.
When we have that muscle, if you want to call it a muscle, that
skill developed of being able to breathe, to stay in our body, to
stay focused, to not distract ourselves or try to numb out or
try to escape the intensity of true intimacy.
That's when we really become available actually to those
deeper levels of intimacy with other, you know, and especially
when we talk about a romantic partner, that is what's at the
core of all of this work. It's tuning into the subtle,
slowing down, becoming more present and more present and
more present and more present, emerging meditation and all
these other practices into this state that we like to call just
the higher self. You know, which is like where
I'm I'm not in the future, I'm not in the past, I'm not in any
state of dis ease. I'm in my center.
I'm in the eye of the hurricane. I'm able to find that space and
lead myself. And by doing so, I am leading my
partner and she is trusting me and she is being drawn into that
masculine king energy. And the the children are looking
up to that and my friends and my business partners and everyone
just feels this version of me that's like fully here and like
fully aligned. Yeah, yeah.
As we, as we witnessed a brother on one of our calls last night,
having the experience of that, just being in a, a department
store and feeling like, holy, I'm fully here and the world is
reflecting that to me. And this is a different
experience. And I love what you said, Ben,
about the importance of the breath and how that can bring us
into our body, especially when we're in that intimate
experience. And something that that's been
that's come up many times is the prevalence of shame, the
prevalence of a lack of confidence in the bedroom and
how that can bring a man out of his body and into his head.
If there's a fear of I'm not going to last long enough, you
know, And actually, just to rewind a little bit, another
theme of so many of the men, maybe all of the men in our
program is the desire to show up in the best way they can in the
bedroom and in life, and particularly in the bedroom for
their romantic partners. And what's 1 of the big things
in the way of that is getting stuck in our head.
And what brings so many men out of their body into the head
during lovemaking is the fear of am I showing up in the best way
I can for my partner? Is she experiencing pleasure?
Is she going to have this wonderful experience that I
desire for her to have? And, you know, one of the ways
that might show up is a concern of not lasting long enough, you
know, and then it's like, oh, don't come, don't come, don't
come. And this just like story in the
head of like, oh shit. Like the last three times we had
sex, I came way earlier than I wanted to.
And now this pattern is going to repeat.
And boom, all of a sudden that man is checked out.
He's checked out from his partner.
He's checked out from his own experience.
And he's just in this loop in his head of how do I not do this
thing? And to bring it back to a little
bit of the skill development that, you know, it's there's the
skill of, if we want to call it that, of being present, how to
actually really be present. And then there's also skills
that we can develop that allow us to come out of the head and
into the body to have that confidence that allows us to
really be present and not in the fear or in the anxiety.
And the tools that we have to allow men to work with
themselves to develop the awareness, the level of
awareness of arousal in their body, the tools to mitigate, to
manage to circulate that energy, to then be able to, to know in
their own lived experience. Like, oh, I, I got this.
The next time I'm making love with my partner, I know what to
do. And it actually all those tools
are about and designed to like drop us back into the body, but
to do so in a skillful, informed, educated way that
allow us to then circulate that energy, last as long as we want
and be fully present. And I think there's yeah, just
so many different angles that we can come at this from.
But it what it all comes back to is the ability to be present, to
not be absent from our partner, from our children, from our
lives, from ourselves. Yeah, and I'm imagining for
anyone listening and you know, who is new to this work, if we
were to talk about some of these tools and just getting started
and how to get out of the loops of the mind, how to catch
ourselves when we're we're being pulled out of the moment when
our awareness is drifting away from being fully here fully now
and making love with life itself, as we say, you know,
which then that skill applies directly to our partner.
It's just this honed attention, but with the breath and with
these other tools. Would you like to OfferUp just a
real basic practice that you could give guys that they could
actually take away from this, this podcast?
Let's see the first one that pops up specifically when
engaging romantically with a partner is often a really
difficult one, but it's eye contact.
Eye contact can be confronting can be uncomfortable for for
many people who haven't yet developed the comfortability
with that or the comfortability with themselves to be really
seen because it's a two way St. it's looking out and also
allowing in. It's not staring.
It's gazing like through a window that is seeing the light
that's coming in. And it's also allowing what's
inside to be seen. And so that's one tool that that
if it's not a regular practice for, for any man in a romantic
relationship, just see. Could I bring my eyes to meet
her eyes again and again and again.
And if it's just for a couple seconds or a few seconds at the
first time and OK, we'll bring it back.
And now can I, can I be there a little longer?
Can I soften the gaze a little more?
And, and that's a potent tool when we, when we have that
unlocked to come into presence, because immediately, you know,
in my experience with eye gazing, it's like whatever else
is going on in the world, it drops away and it's like, oh,
it's one soul meeting another soul.
And that's a potent way to to drop into consciousness and
presence. Yeah, yeah, I was gonna add into
that pairing this with a basic practice.
We use the foundations of our entire training.
We start with this, this thing called the Smiling King breath,
which many of you have heard if you've been following our work
or some of our testimonials or guys talking about the Smiling
King. This is just our own little
recipe of tools, psychosomatic tools, we say to drop you into
presence, to drop you into the driver's seat, to take the
throne of your Kingdom, to step out of the absent Father
archetype in any moment and just step right into the center.
So I'll invite that real quick. If you'd like to follow along in
this practice, I'll invite anyone listening to just take a
minute. If you're driving a car or
operating heavy machinery, do not follow this.
Follow this at your own discernment and discretion.
But if you you're seated down, just take a moment to close your
eyes and begin breathing into your lower belly.
If you want to place your hands just below your belly button,
one over the other, inhale and just relax that belly and allow
it to fill up with air. On the exhale, you can sigh a
little bit, notice, make an audible sigh.
Notice what that does. I'm in a deep circular belly
breathing. Big inhale sign on that exhale,
continuing with that deep circular belly breathing at your
own pace. Big breasts expanding that belly
in a relaxed way. Sign invitation.
We say this is like playing a game, just in your own way.
Stay focused. Keeping that deep circular belly
breathing. Don't stop.
Imagine this is like juggling. You're juggling one ball right
now. If you can just stay focused on
breathing into your lower belly. Notice any subtle sensations as
you continue doing this. This is the first step, always
coming back to the breath. Deep circular belly breathing
and set aside any of the future of the past.
Any to do lists? Nah, just be here now with your
next breath, as you continue this circular belly breathing,
I'm going to invite you to imagine there's a golden string
tied to the top of your head. And as you inhale that string
back to that string pulling up on your head, roll your
shoulders back, nice proud chest.
Tuck your chin down towards your collarbone.
Exhale with a side. See if you can relax into this
posture. Oh, this is our kingly posture.
This is it's a bit of a practice at first, inhaling again,
staying in the breath. See if you can hold this, these
opposites, holding this form king breath while relaxing into
the form. Let your shoulders soften even
while your chest stays proud and your spine lengthened, chin
tucked, continuing to stay in the breath.
OK, we're just stacking practices here.
Just notice what this feels like with your spine fully opened, a
nice proud posture. This is really important for us
to step into presence. The breath, the posture.
On the next inhale, we're going to stack.
Now we're going to invite a smile, just a gentle smile to
your face. And we say, if there's any part
of you that doesn't want to smile, we invite you to smile at
that because why the fuck not? And just notice any shift with
bringing that smile, big inhale into that.
Notice if you're leaning forward or back, if you're spying, if
you can find that sweet spot where your spine is perfectly
balanced like a pencil on its tip, just relaxing, shedding
tension, sinking into your seat, smiling.
Now we're going to turn off. Imagine your smiles on a light
switch. Turn off your smile, But
everything else stay the same. Deep, circular belly breathing.
I'll flip it on. It off back to a stern face back
on. Just notice that contrast now
just continue to smile. Continue to breathe into that
belly. You're doing great just juggling
the breath, the big king posture, the smile, the sigh.
And from here we have the foundations of what's called the
Smiling King Breath. What we're going to do is just
inhale, scanning the body from head to toe, breathing into any
tension, smiling into any tension in the body or in the
mind, exhaling it out with a sigh, letting yourself sink
deeper into your seat, letting your shoulders soften, your
face, your jaw. You continue breathing into the
belly, peeling back the onion one layer at a time.
See how much more you can relax. Just let it go, sink deeper.
Let the muscles melt on the bone.
Now just come back to the simplicity of the breath.
Notice since we began a few minutes ago, maybe 5 minutes
ago, what's shifted inside. And keep your eyes closed.
What we call this is the eye of the hurricane, the smiling king.
This is our home base. This is what we give all the
brothers in the beginning of the training program.
We build on this foundation. We start to stack more and more
and more practices on top of it until eventually this becomes
our default state of being. And it just feels so good,
doesn't it? To not be the absent father, to
be present, to be the king and not the Prince who's off lost
and his seeking. All right, so I'll invite us to
slowly come back out, big old breath and see if you can hold
the feeling, the relaxation, the smiling king, even with your
eyes open. Just notice you can sit in this.
Can you feel a shift in the room?
Can you feel the quantum field around you adapting and almost
echoing back your internal state?
This is step one of coming back into our presence.
It's all right here, right now. Just breathe.
Can you fully be here, not caught in the loops of the past,
the future, you know, would not get caught in stories of
perceptions of the world around you that are victimhood, you
know, that are blaming others or that are judging others?
Or can we just let go of all of that and just step into this
deep state of internal coherence and peace and love with
everything within us and around us?
And this is the smiling energy, you know, the breath.
The the breath in Hebrew is like Yahweh is 1 interpretation of
it. Yah Yeah.
As an in breath waves out breath.
So this is essentially like us channeling Father God energy.
You know, I know for a lot of people that may be a little
triggering. It was for me, I came from a
religious upbringing. But to me, that's the ultimate
embodiment of, I mean, that's the opposite of the absent
father is like being that unconditionally loving father.
You know who is there? He's solid.
He's not going anywhere, doesn't matter what comes.
Yeah. And I would say, you know, even
just connecting with that energy that's within us, around us and
available all of the time. And yet also takes some
development, some skill, often some guidance to, to be able to
access and connect with that energy and in a, in a way that
allows us to then bring it into ourselves.
As you're saying, use you were used the word channel.
I would just use the word, you know, connect with and then
embody and live through and allowing that to to actually be
the the father that's there always.
And that's something that we all have equal opportunity and, and
access to. And yeah, this feels like an
appropriate place to close it off today.
Thank you for that practice, Ben, And thank you to anyone
listening in practicing along. Hope that we've provided some
value for you today and look forward to continuing these
conversations. Ben.
Yeah. Thank you all for tuning in and
hope you found value in this today, this first step in the
reclamation of the Kingdom, you know, of masculinity, updating
the software, you know, breaking the pattern of the absent father
and stepping into the husband's, the father, the brother.
You know, the men that we came here to be, the men that we are
looking for. You know, we are the ones we've
been looking for. This is what I want to leave
guys with. You know, we are the heroes of
this story. That's why we came into this
lifetime. And when we can claim that
fully, you know, and step into that more fully.
And as Hawke said, it takes time.
It takes practice. Isolation is a killer.
You know, we get caught in our own loops in isolation.
You know, this work is meant to be together.
We've always done this together as humans in tribes.
And we are coming into unprecedented times of
isolation, actually, even as the world is becoming more
connected. And I know speaking on behalf of
my own journey and and our journey Hawks and the journey of
the brotherhoods that we've been a part of and now the men's
sexual mastery brotherhood. I know I would not be here if it
were not for for you, for all the brothers who've supported me
in my journey and who we're supporting.
May this work continue to deepen on behalf of our children's
children's children. May the ripples in time and
space of us stepping into our higher selves, the men we came
here to be, continue to just bless forward all generations
like. That's why I know you and I are
here for that. We're here to guide the men home
to themselves so that they can show up and and bring in the
families, bring in the children to stronger homes, you know,
where the men are not absent. The men are fully there and
making love in all the different ways with their reality and
stepping into that divine father archetype.
So yeah, it's been an honour, brother, Great to drop in with
you today, yeah. Big love to you, big love to all
the listeners and all the brothers out there.