1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:05,040 I'm Effie, a life coach who profoundly gives a fuck about 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,480 you feeling better for good. I teach people how to cut the 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,000 crap and live according to their own rules. 4 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,640 It's a crime we don't learn this stuff in school, but it's 5 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,680 simpler than you think to break the pattern and start living the 6 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,200 life you want. Listen on to find out how. 7 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:23,520 Queenie. Hello and welcome to Feeling 8 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,200 Better for Good. I'm so glad you're here. 9 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:32,439 I am super fucking excited. I am super excited about what's 10 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:36,800 popping off in life, what's going on, what's coming up in my 11 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,280 business. I have so much to share with 12 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:44,080 you, but I'm very excited about today's episode. 13 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,680 I'm going to be offering you a way of thinking that will have a 14 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:50,320 massive impact on your ability to set goals, to act on them 15 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,440 powerfully, and ultimately achieve them. 16 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,080 We're talking about optimism and pessimism. 17 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,640 We're gonna be exploring why and how our brains have this built 18 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:04,360 in negativity bias that we as a species are naturally 19 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,240 pessimistic, how and why that is. 20 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,800 We're gonna be looking at where and why we might actually want 21 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:14,360 to be pessimistic, how that can be helpful, and how to tame your 22 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,800 survival brain and expand your ability to make bold decisions 23 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:22,600 that can lead to great reward. And we're gonna do that using 24 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:28,400 unreasonable optimism balanced by strategic pessimism. 25 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:33,680 Before we do, though, before we dive in, I need your help. 26 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:38,840 The podcast is growing, but I want to really fan the flames. 27 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,040 I wanted to be able to reach more women that need it, more 28 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:45,880 women that are struggling every single day and deserve relief. 29 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,240 I want them to be able to hear this message. 30 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,640 And one of the best ways of doing that is providing them 31 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:54,160 social proof. So if this podcast touches 32 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,160 something in you, if you've been listening for a while and you're 33 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,680 like, I would not go a week without listening to this. 34 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,120 Or maybe you just touch in when you need to. 35 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,040 Or maybe you're brand new to my world and you're like, what is 36 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,120 this all about? If this podcast touches 37 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,760 something in you, if this podcast makes a difference for 38 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:19,040 you, please spend 60 seconds and leave a five star review on 39 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:24,160 Apple Podcasts or Spotify and you will be entered into a 40 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,880 drawing to receive $100 Visa gift card. 41 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,560 I say 5 star review. You don't have to leave a five 42 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:32,640 star review. I want you to be authentic and 43 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,560 to, you know, really tell us what you think. 44 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:39,080 You know, feedback is feedback. But if you leave a review, I 45 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:44,120 will make sure that you are entered into the raffle and that 46 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,560 maybe we can pull your name from the hat next time we pull a 47 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,600 name. Thank you for your support. 48 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,200 It means more than you know. And I can't wait to keep 49 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,960 delivering this podcast to you every single week. 50 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,320 So stay tuned. Make sure you're following if 51 00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:03,800 you're not already. OK, so I saw this clip from an 52 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,760 interview that Oprah did on 60 Minutes in 1986. 53 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,560 I saw this a couple of days ago, and this was one of the things 54 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,560 that inspired me to do this particular podcast. 55 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:18,080 So this was right before the national roll out of the Oprah 56 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,720 Winfrey Show, which was a huge gamble. 57 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,680 It was unprecedented in its time. 58 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,440 Like, it could have been a massive failure. 59 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:28,480 And if you know anything about Oprah, you know, she went all 60 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,360 in. Like, she put all of herself 61 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:34,200 into this project, and she had this unshakable vision. 62 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,720 So the interviewer says, OK, well, looks like you know it. 63 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:43,200 You're going national. And she says, yeah, it's going 64 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:44,680 to do well. It'll do well. 65 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:50,400 And he says, and if it doesn't and you just want to slap the 66 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:54,840 guy, you know, just want to be like, let my queen just rule her 67 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,320 land. And she does not skip a beat, 68 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,480 she says, and if it doesn't, I will still do well. 69 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,600 I will do well because I'm not defined by a show. 70 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,320 I think we're defined by the way we treat ourselves and the way 71 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:14,720 we treat other people. So would it be wonderful to be 72 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,480 acclaimed as this talk show host that made it? 73 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:22,360 Yeah, that would be wonderful. But if it doesn't happen, there 74 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,240 are other important things in my life. 75 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,560 And when she talks about the show and how wonderful it would 76 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:31,080 be and and her certainty of it doing well, you can just feel 77 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,240 the passion, like, oozing off of her, but without anything to 78 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,480 prove. So she just has such vision in 79 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,640 this clip and she has such humanity for herself. 80 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,880 Of course, we all know the rest of the story is that she became 81 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,160 this not just national, but international sensation, like 82 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,240 one of the most famous names in the entire world. 83 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:56,000 But this clip is just so gorgeous and such a fucking 84 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:59,040 example of what we're talking about today. 85 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:05,000 I want to give you also some personal context for how this 86 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,480 operates in my life, this unreasonable optimism and 87 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,320 strategic pessimism. So I've shared, I think I shared 88 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:17,280 last week on the podcast that I have started a radical dating 89 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,520 journey and I can't wait to share more about it with you. 90 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:24,320 But my goal in this, like my desire is to fall in love. 91 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:29,240 I wanna find a committed partnership with someone who 92 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:33,760 enriches my life, who brings more peace, pleasure and delight 93 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:38,560 into my life and vice versa. And I have this vision. 94 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:43,000 This is what I'm going for and that it is entirely possible for 95 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,000 me. My theory is that it will take 96 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:52,760 me a year and going on 51st dates, Why I think it will take 97 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,800 me a year, I don't know. It's arbitrary. 98 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,720 I'm like within a year, I feel pretty confident that I should 99 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:03,640 be able to fall in love in a sustainable way with this 100 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:07,760 person, with someone who really is a great match for me. 101 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,080 And this is not something like I've been in love before, but 102 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:14,640 I've never done this before where I've gone out so 103 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,280 intentionally and I've had a a really clear plan. 104 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:22,480 I actually work this plan in my private coaching containers with 105 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,480 one-on-one clients who are on their own dating journeys. 106 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:30,040 So I've had a lot of success with this plan outside of my own 107 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,960 personal life, but I just decided, you know what, it's 108 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,480 time for me to go. So I have a very strong plan, 109 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:41,760 very strong guidelines, and I've never just gone out there into 110 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:47,240 the dating pool, specifically online dating and had such clear 111 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:53,920 vision, standards and kind of code of conduct and allowed it 112 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,360 to play out. What I've actually done in the 113 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,880 past is just ended up with people that I met in the wild 114 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,360 who I was, you know, really drawn to for some or multiple 115 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,800 reasons, but we were not true matches. 116 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:09,120 We weren't lifestyle matches or we didn't have the same goals 117 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:13,120 and aspirations or, you know, it just hasn't worked out for me 118 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,880 that way. Falling into love with people 119 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:19,680 who crossed my path. So in my mind, like, you can't 120 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,080 do worse than that, right? I mean, OK, so I'm blessed, 121 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,200 right? Because I've been in love 122 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,040 several times. But you can't do worse than 123 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,840 falling in love with misaligned people. 124 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,600 So if it comes down to being in a relationship with someone 125 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:36,320 who's not right for me and being on my own, like I'm finally at a 126 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,000 place in my life where I'm like, no contest, hands down. 127 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,680 I'll take the second one any day. 128 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,040 I love my life as a single person. 129 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:48,280 I am not lacking for anything. I would love a partnership, but 130 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,720 if it doesn't happen, I will be OK. 131 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,480 Here's what's kept me from going for it before now, from really 132 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,080 committing to this process before now. 133 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,280 First was the belief that it was going to be really hard and it 134 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,520 was going to be painful. I was going to get my heart 135 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,560 broken and I wouldn't be able to handle myself and that I would 136 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:14,000 be repeating old patterns that I do not want to repeat. 137 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,480 In addition to thinking that I didn't have the energy for it, I 138 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,280 also told myself I didn't have the time. 139 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,760 Like I have a very busy life, when would I even go on dates? 140 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,960 And it would just be too big of an inconvenience. 141 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,520 And then I also thought it probably won't work anyway. 142 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:36,200 It'll be a waste of my time. And these thoughts felt so true. 143 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:40,960 And this is what I call involuntary or rational 144 00:08:41,159 --> 00:08:44,200 pessimism. Like, it makes sense. 145 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:48,000 You know, all my objections are risks. 146 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,600 They are things to overcome. They are legitimate. 147 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:53,200 And so I kept telling myself these things. 148 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:58,080 And I still had the desire to find and have a partnership. 149 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,520 But when I was telling myself all of those things and when 150 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:03,720 those were the predominant thoughts, like I was totally 151 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,120 hobbled, you know, I wasn't able to move forward. 152 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:13,080 So I have a mentor that I talked to every single week. 153 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:18,320 And apparently I kept bringing up this dating thing and my 154 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,280 mentor asked me about it. He was like, what is this about? 155 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,840 And I was like, oh, nothing. It's not. 156 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,520 No, completely downplayed. And he said, well, you know, you 157 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,640 keep bringing it up, so let's talk about it. 158 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,800 And I said, well, OK. And I started talking about it 159 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,240 and I started telling him all of the reasons that it wouldn't 160 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:40,600 work, all of the things that I thought would make it not 161 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:44,320 possible for me. And then after all of that, he 162 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,600 asked me, yes, but but why would you want to? 163 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,880 What would be a good reason for doing it anyway? 164 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:57,400 And the only good reason, and the best reason I believe, for 165 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,200 doing anything is that I have the desire. 166 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,200 It's just I want to. And when you have a desire of 167 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:08,560 the heart and you hold yourself back from doing it, it's simply 168 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,920 because of unchecked or unquestioned thoughts, thoughts 169 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:16,000 that your brain is offering you on repeat that you have not 170 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,680 examined. So I started examining the 171 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:22,880 thoughts that were holding me back, and I decided, OK, I am 172 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,400 less attached to the thoughts than I am to the desire. 173 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,960 So I'm gonna honor the desire over the thoughts. 174 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:36,840 In my practice, I run into women who have goal PTSD all the time. 175 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,200 They have self defeating attitudes like I did, informed 176 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:45,840 by habituated pessimistic thoughts that feel really valid 177 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,720 and certainly are valid when measured by the survival brain. 178 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:53,600 Because the role of survival brain is to keep us small and 179 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,120 safe and familiar in our comfort zone. 180 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:03,520 Now if they do commit to the goal but then bail on themselves 181 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:07,040 before getting it or before seeing it through and quitting 182 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,240 is actually what creates goal PTSD. 183 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,520 The self betrayal is what creates goal PTSD, not the 184 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,640 actual goal. But if they do end up bailing, 185 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,000 here's why. They have a chokehold on their 186 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,480 results. They're very attached to the 187 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,760 results in an entitled way. They feel because they have the 188 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:28,080 strong desire and they're making the investment to go for it, 189 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:33,680 that it belongs to them. An entitlement is different than 190 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,280 ownership. Ownership is, I'm going to take 191 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,800 this on body and soul. I'm going to own this dream and 192 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:42,080 embody success on my path. I'm going to decide who I want 193 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:45,240 to be along the way and constantly work to uphold that 194 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,800 standard and then continuously invest in the belief that it's 195 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,560 coming, that it's working. I'm gonna figure it out. 196 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:53,400 I'm capable. I got this. 197 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,880 I was fucking born for this, right? 198 00:11:55,880 --> 00:12:01,280 Like Oprah entitlement is I'm gonna do these things to get 199 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:05,720 this, and I am owed it. If I do these things, if I do it 200 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:09,920 all right, then the formula says that I get to have this. 201 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,400 I get to have my my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 202 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,720 And if I don't get it, or if I don't get it in the time that 203 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,640 I'm expecting or the arbitrary timeline that somebody told me 204 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,760 this should be available to me in, then I have been robbed. 205 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,400 And it was all a lie and none of it was worth it. 206 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,880 And this comes from the belief that it should be easier or 207 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:34,240 smoother than it is. And so that when it gets hard 208 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,880 and they stumble and failed, they think that something has 209 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,320 gone wrong. This is what I call failure 210 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,760 intolerance. When we make it wrong, that we 211 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,720 fail along the way. But what if it's just not wrong 212 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,800 at all? What if when we fail, that's 213 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,440 just part of the process? I like to think of space 214 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,280 missions. Did you know that those rockets 215 00:12:55,280 --> 00:13:01,560 are 99% off course on their way to their destination? 216 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,440 Like they set their course and NASA with all of its 217 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,800 technological advancements cannot keep it on course more 218 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,080 than 1% of the time. But that's not a problem, right? 219 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,480 They still get there. It's just that they're having to 220 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:20,000 make micro adjustments and correct back to the course. 221 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:25,280 So imagine if the astronauts up in the space shuttle, they're 222 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,920 off course. And, you know, she freaks out 223 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,240 and she's like, oh, no, we're never gonna get there, right? 224 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:35,000 No, that doesn't happen because they understand that it's par 225 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,400 for the course to be off course. And they cannot rely on 226 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,600 autopilot. They have to always be making 227 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:44,800 those course corrections. They have to be vigilant to be 228 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:49,160 able to get where they're going. So let's talk about pessimism 229 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,760 and what we want to do with our built in pessimism that we all 230 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,960 have. Why would we be interested in 231 00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:01,520 offloading some of this natural pessimism besides it being like 232 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,920 an ingenious tool for self torture? 233 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,160 So in longitudinal studies around the world, pessimism is 234 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:14,080 linked with higher mortality and besides greater longevity, 235 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:18,080 literally living longer. Optimism broadly predicts better 236 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,400 physical health, including cardiovascular outcomes and 237 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:25,400 immune function. So if we can learn to channel 238 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:31,360 our pessimism strategically and use our optimism responsibly, we 239 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:35,120 can create much improved outcomes for ourselves for the 240 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,760 rest of our life and literally elongate our life and the 241 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,840 enjoyment of it. So the common thinking is that 242 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:45,480 optimism is a personality trait, but it's not. 243 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,120 It's just a habit in the brain. Like all habits, it is 244 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,000 malleable, it is changeable. I don't care how entrenched it 245 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,800 is. So what's true is that you may 246 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:58,440 be constitutionally or conditionally more or less 247 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,680 optimistic, but regardless of your starting point and the 248 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:06,600 conditioning that you come with, you can upgrade your OS and 249 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,240 change the proportions and the context of your optimism and 250 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,200 pessimism. And you can do that on purpose, 251 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,840 with intention, with skill and repetition. 252 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,720 And that is the kind of change work that we do in my coaching 253 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,240 containers. The premise is that you get to 254 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,800 decide what kind of thoughts you invest in. 255 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:27,040 You may not get to decide what thought initially occurs to you 256 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:31,560 based on habit and existing belief systems, but you get to 257 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:36,760 choose whether or not to invest in that thought or divest from 258 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,000 that line of thinking. So I want you to imagine that 259 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:44,320 each school of thoughts that you have is a high yield savings 260 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,680 account. So you're making deposits every 261 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,720 day, you're growing your interest and that interest is 262 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,440 compounding into a belief system. 263 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,280 If you already have the belief system, but you're further 264 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:59,240 entrenching it, and this compound interest is growing 265 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,920 this belief system that either helps you or hinders you, that 266 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,320 either makes you more or less the person you want to be in the 267 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:10,560 life she wants to live. That is the function of belief, 268 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:16,600 not to be right, but to help you be who you want to be in the 269 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,040 world. I have a podcast on this. 270 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,840 It's called How to Believe in Yourself. 271 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,480 I will link it in the show notes. 272 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:27,400 So let's talk about humanity treating ourselves humanely and 273 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:34,760 the humility to understand that we do not control outcomes, that 274 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,320 that is actually not within our power. 275 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:41,040 We can absolutely influence them by the way that we show up, but 276 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:46,080 what we have most power over is who we are in the process of 277 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:50,960 moving toward that thing. So before I became the toxic 278 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,360 stress coach for women, I was an academic coach for many years. 279 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,520 I worked with students from high school up to doctorate, 280 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:03,160 postdoctorate level, and I had some areas of expertise like 281 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,800 science and writing. But mostly what I would help my 282 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,560 clients with was how to love learning, how to enjoy the 283 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:15,119 process of learning. 1st, to actually enjoy not knowing. 284 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:18,160 Because confusion is the first stage of learning. 285 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,839 And if it makes you upset to not know, it's gonna be really hard 286 00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:23,720 to move forward. Or if you feel frustrated like 287 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:27,160 you should already know, then you're not gonna be open to be 288 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,880 able to learn the material that you need to. 289 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:32,840 So I would teach them how to be inspired, actually inspired and 290 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:37,720 compelled by not knowing how to generate curiosity inside of 291 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,640 them, which is a really vital skill. 292 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,440 So say you really love your course of study, but you don't 293 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,120 love the class that you're taking right now. 294 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,040 Or let's say you don't love the course of your study, but you 295 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,560 have to be able to pass it. Like if you're going to do it, 296 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,440 you might as well enjoy it, you know, what's the point 297 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,320 otherwise? So I'd teach them how to 298 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,840 generate true curiosity and then use that to question critically 299 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,120 and to problem solve through trial and error. 300 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:07,560 I taught them uncertainty tolerance, which is the biggest 301 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,480 asset as a student and I would argue as a human being. 302 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,960 Certainty is so overrated. One of my favorite quotes, I 303 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,000 don't think it's from Socrates himself, but it's very Socratic, 304 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,560 is that knowledge comes from knowing. 305 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,640 Ignorance comes from thinking you know for sure. 306 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:29,040 So we have to love the process of finding out what we're made 307 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:32,000 of. The brain wants a guarantee. 308 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,720 The brain feels safe in certainty. 309 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,560 It wants to be right is a prediction machine. 310 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:43,480 That's literally how we evolved. It would often rather be right 311 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,920 then grow or be successful. So if you've ever had the 312 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,200 experience of going for a goal and getting frustrated and 313 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,760 losing momentum and quitting, what I wanna offer you is that 314 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,400 your brain may actually have been satisfied when you quit. 315 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:03,120 And it's a little sadistic. Like, see, I told you it's not 316 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,800 working. It's never gonna work because 317 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,560 again, it wants to be right. It's gonna say I called it. 318 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,080 And the problem with that besides, you know, it being 319 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,400 shitty and such an obstacle to moving forward on anything, 320 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,480 especially if you keep believing survival brain every single time 321 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:22,880 you have a desire of the heart and it tells you that's a risky 322 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,520 1 is righteous satisfaction. That little hit of righteous 323 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:30,560 satisfaction is extremely short lived because then you have to 324 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,360 live in the reality where you trust yourself less. 325 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:38,600 You have less agency and belief and chutzpah and courage and a 326 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,640 dulled instrument for moving toward what you want. 327 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,360 That is the cycle that we need to break out of, and we do it 328 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:49,120 first by investing in unreasonable optimism. 329 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,440 The first thing is that we don't allow our levels of optimism or 330 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,120 pessimism to be guided by what we've accomplished before. 331 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:01,160 It is a terrible yardstick for what you're really capable of. 332 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,680 Like terrible. I mean, think about it. 333 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,440 How will you ever find out what you're capable of if you don't 334 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,000 push the limits of who you know yourself to be? 335 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,760 So when it comes to goals and moving powerfully toward big 336 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:16,280 desires of the heart. Acting based on prior experience 337 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:20,960 is the enemy of growth and the enemy of learning and the enemy 338 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,640 of ultimate success and achievement. 339 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:28,680 So we want to pick goals and thoughts to support them that 340 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:33,280 are completely uncalled for according to our survival brain. 341 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:38,440 Like my 51st dates in a year scheme, that means I am going to 342 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:44,840 choose to spend my precious time with 50 new people this year in 343 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,960 order to get me to my goal. I have never dated on the scale, 344 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,720 never anywhere near it, right? I've maybe got on an app and 345 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,000 like gone out on two or three dates. 346 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,400 They were kind of disappointing or maybe fell into a 347 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,440 relationship with one of them. Like a disappointing first date 348 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,760 that became a misguided relationship. 349 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:06,680 But I have never dated at this scale with this kind of 350 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,160 investment. So my survival brains like, 351 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:13,800 wait, we're doing what? Oh, fuck no, no. 352 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,400 And what I want to offer you is that's a good thing. 353 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,040 If your survival brain has a response like that, that's what 354 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,080 we want. We want that part of our brain 355 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:28,080 to be offended by the audacity of the desire. 356 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,520 Like who do you think you are? And your brain will offer you 357 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,040 that thought. Like who do you think you are? 358 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,720 And you can just answer it with like, well, I think I'm amazing. 359 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:42,280 And I choose to believe I'm someone who's capable of more 360 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,720 than what I have gotten in the past and who I've been in the 361 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:52,120 past because I like myself better when I believe that. 362 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:56,600 And when I carry myself through my days operating in the world 363 00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:01,200 as if I'm amazing, I have something remarkable to offer, 364 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,400 something as yet unrealized, but that I'm committed to the 365 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,640 process of breaking out of me. That's the person I want sitting 366 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,920 next to me in the car. That's the person I want holding 367 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:15,360 my hand, advising me, supporting me, making decisions with me. 368 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,720 That's her. That's the person I want to have 369 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,400 breakfast, lunch, and dinner with. 370 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,880 That's who I want to partner with. 371 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:26,080 So I have to be her. I have to be committed to being 372 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,400 her. I pick unreasonable thoughts. 373 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,920 My dreams are urgent. I was born for this. 374 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:35,960 I can handle it. And survival brain, of course, 375 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,840 is going to say, no, you can't, you've never done it before. 376 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:40,960 I say that's true. I haven't. 377 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,440 There's plenty to learn and I'm committed to learning it. 378 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:48,440 You can actually just agree with any objection your survival 379 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,640 brain offers you. You do not have to fight. 380 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:55,240 I mean, you can stand up to it. You do not have to fight, right? 381 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,560 Survival brain says it's going to eat your life up. 382 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:01,400 You say, yeah, there will be more demands on my time. 383 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,200 I'm going to have to learn to balance it all. 384 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,840 It's too expensive. Survivor brain's going to say, 385 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:08,920 and you say, yeah, that's right, it is expensive. 386 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:14,080 This is a high value thing to invest in. 387 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,560 We're talking about time, energy and money. 388 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,040 And if I disagree with the price, I do not have to pay it. 389 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,520 But how could it be worth it even though it's expensive? 390 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,320 How could it be worth actually way more than what I'm 391 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,800 investing? And then what's the cost of not 392 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,840 doing it? And how could this be the best 393 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:41,680 investment I ever make? And then finally, and this one 394 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:46,080 is the heavy hitter, your brain is going to offer you thoughts 395 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:50,760 like, what if you're wrong? What if it doesn't work? 396 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,600 So say you're in a marriage and you've been having problems for 397 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,040 a long time and you're questioning whether you want to 398 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,160 stay or not. I mean, there's good stuff, 399 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,360 there's bad stuff. There's no real huge beacon 400 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:06,920 telling you it's time to leave. There's just discontent and 401 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,600 frustration. And it's been going on for quite 402 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,360 some time. But you love him and you don't 403 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:15,160 know where to go from here, what could make things better? 404 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:18,920 But deep down you feel that if you could find a way to make it 405 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:23,120 work, you would want to. Now, I don't ever claim to know 406 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,200 what's right for anyone else. That's not my job. 407 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:29,600 But what I often offer as a thought and a course of action 408 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,080 when women come to me in this position or a similar position, 409 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:38,720 is that if the desire is still there, it may be time to go all 410 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:42,560 in. So I know things have got to 411 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:46,160 change and I'm gonna double down on my part. 412 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:51,400 I'm gonna do everything I can without betraying myself to save 413 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,760 this marriage. That could look like hiring 414 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:57,680 outside help, committing to extreme self-care within the 415 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,080 marriage, maybe setting some hard boundaries, changing the 416 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,040 way you think about your marriage and your partner so 417 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,840 that you can be the person that you want to be within it. 418 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,960 And then after doing that, it still doesn't work because of 419 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:15,720 factors outside my control. I can leave with my head held 420 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:19,920 high knowing I gave it my all. I can be proud of how I 421 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:23,680 conducted myself and who I became in the process of 422 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:28,040 standing for something I love. And no matter what, I get to 423 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,840 take her with me. I get to take that sufficiency 424 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:36,560 that I created in that relationship with me, regardless 425 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,480 of whether the relationship continues. 426 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,520 This could be actually the best case scenario. 427 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,440 And I have seen and shepherded miraculous turnarounds in 428 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:47,960 partnerships where one partner takes radical responsibility for 429 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:53,120 their part, and then that gives implicit permission to the other 430 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:56,520 partner to do the same. And the ecosystem of the 431 00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:01,800 relationship starts to flourish in a way that doesn't make sense 432 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:06,880 because you've invested in the possibility of something more, 433 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,360 and you've invested in your part. 434 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:15,120 So when your brain offers you that objection, what if it 435 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:18,360 doesn't work? We answer it with equanimity. 436 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:23,240 It might not work. Like Oprah, I'm investing 437 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:27,640 heavily in the possibility. And if it doesn't work, I will 438 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:31,640 be OK. Because I am not defined by a 439 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:35,320 relationship. I'm not defined by a job. 440 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,720 I am not defined by my career or what's in my bank account or the 441 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:43,560 results that I get in life. I am bigger than that. 442 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,360 Unreasonable optimism does not mean we lie to ourselves about 443 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:52,440 the nature of reality. We may go hard for a thing we 444 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:56,720 deeply desire and not get it, or it takes us a lot longer and a 445 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,520 lot more effort than we think it'll take to get it. 446 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:05,600 In fact, that's likely. But to that I say, so fucking 447 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:09,720 what? Being prepared for failure isn't 448 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,400 a problem, but we're not so prepared that we create a path 449 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,720 for failure. We do accept the inevitability 450 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:20,400 of us having fails along the way to our success and it not going 451 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,040 the way that we expected to go or the way we think it should 452 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:27,080 go. That's called dying before going 453 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,720 into battle. It's very healthy and it's a 454 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:34,680 very important preset to have when fighting for something you 455 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,600 love. And this is strategic pessimism, 456 00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:42,640 knowing the risks, accepting them and choosing to go anyway. 457 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,360 In my dating journey, I'm like, I fully anticipate getting my 458 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:50,680 heart broken in this. And it's, that's already 459 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:53,440 happened on a smaller scale more than once. 460 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:56,680 You know, I haven't been in any committed relationships, but 461 00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:00,720 just in the first six weeks of this adventure, I have 100% had 462 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:04,320 disappointment and heartache. And I'm not afraid of it. 463 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:09,040 I'm going in anyway because I know and believe so strongly 464 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:13,760 that the upside is worth it. The risk is worth the reward, 465 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:19,040 and I'm going to prove it. So for more on this topic, I 466 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:22,200 want to direct you to episode 42. 467 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:26,280 It's called How to Stop Doom Scrolling in Your Head, and it 468 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,360 gives you a really great practice. 469 00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:31,880 I think it starts at around the 10 minute mark, but it gives you 470 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:36,960 a phenomenal practice for being able to balance both optimism 471 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:41,240 and pessimism in the most useful ways when you do feel worried or 472 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,400 anxious or confused or overwhelmed. 473 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,240 So I'll leave you with that and I will link that in the show 474 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,080 notes. Thank you so much for being 475 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:53,240 here. I adored it every minute. 476 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,400 I adore you. If you got something powerful 477 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:59,920 today, please do go and leave a review right now if you haven't 478 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,520 already. Thank you in advance and I will 479 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:05,080 see you next time. Have a wonderful week. 480 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:11,040 Until then, if you're ready to do the work to move forward on 481 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,840 what you want and actually get it, I can help you. 482 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:18,360 I'm offering my podcast listeners a free consultation 483 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:21,280 with me to talk about what coaching can do for you this 484 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:24,520 year. Just visit effielavor.com to get 485 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:25,000 started.