1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:05,040 I'm Effie, a life coach who profoundly gives a fuck about 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,480 you feeling better for good. I teach people how to cut the 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,000 crap and live according to their own rules. 4 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,640 It's a crime we don't learn this stuff in school, but it's 5 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,680 simpler than you think to break the pattern and start living the 6 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,200 life you want. Listen on to find out how. 7 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,040 Hello, hello, welcome to Feeling Better for good. 8 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:30,160 I'm so glad you're here. February is the month of love 9 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:33,720 y'all, and we're going hard on the topic of relationships here 10 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:37,800 at Effie Lavore Coaching for the full month and in fact, I have 11 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,520 an event coming up on February 13th. 12 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,840 I am doing a powerful new training on how to have better 13 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,240 relationships. I've actually been wanting to 14 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,600 teach this in a live event for a while, so I'm really excited. 15 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,840 I'll be telling you more about it later in this episode, but 16 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:58,960 for now, you can register if you wish by going to effielavore.com 17 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:03,400 or hitting the link for the master class in the show notes. 18 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,760 And regardless of whether you'll be joining us on the 13th, which 19 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,920 by the way, is a Friday, Friday the 13th. 20 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,240 And the name of the class is Breaking the Love Curse. 21 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,720 I love it so much. Anyway, regardless of whether 22 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,200 you'll be there on the Zoom with us, I wanted to give you some of 23 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,400 the good stuff here on the podcast to help you feel better 24 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,920 and improve your relationships with your loved ones today. 25 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:32,080 So today we're talking about how to create secure attachment, 26 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:36,720 specifically, why love feels hard when it feels hard. 27 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,040 And we're talking about all different types of love and all 28 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:43,680 different types of relating and how when you apply security to 29 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:48,480 any relationship, it absolutely changes everything. 30 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,840 So first we're going to talk about attachment styles. 31 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:55,720 And if you're reasonably up on developmental psychology or 32 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,640 relationship theory, you are going to know about attachment 33 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:03,000 theory, attachment styles. And just to give you a quick 34 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:08,880 review, as children we developed a specific attachment style. 35 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:13,000 And there's two categories, but three main styles of attachment. 36 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,040 So there's secure attachment and then there's insecure 37 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,720 attachment. And the two main types of 38 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,040 insecure attachment are anxious and avoidant. 39 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:26,360 So when they were doing studies on this in the lab, they brought 40 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:31,720 a mother and her child, you know, into a play room and they 41 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,520 wanted to see how the child would interact with the mom. 42 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,720 And so they were studying the attachment of the child to their 43 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,760 mom. And in a secure attachment, the 44 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,000 kid would go and play with the toys in the room and then come 45 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:49,680 back in and check in with the mom every couple of minutes or 46 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,000 so. When the mom left the room, 47 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,360 maybe the kid was a little bit upset, but then would go and 48 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,200 play with the toys. And, you know, a minute or two 49 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,520 later, the mom would come back in. 50 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,640 I forget the exact age of these kids by the way, but anyway, 51 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:06,120 that's beside the point. So secure attachment is the the 52 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:10,560 kid is securely attached to mom, will check in with her but is 53 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:15,080 not clinging to her, is not dependent on her for their 54 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,960 emotional needs and well-being at all times. 55 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:22,880 Insecure attachment looks very different for an anxiously 56 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:27,680 attached child that looks like clinging, cowering, being 57 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:33,080 unwilling to leave mom's side, just generally being fearful of 58 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:36,240 being away from mom. So this kid might actually not 59 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:40,360 go and play with the toys at all and refuse to let mom leave the 60 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,080 room. And then avoidant on the other 61 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:47,280 end of the spectrum is the kid will go and play with the toys 62 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:52,760 and essentially ignore the mom or not really go and check in. 63 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,360 When the mom leaves the room, the kid doesn't even notice, 64 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,640 right? There's an ambivalence with 65 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:01,760 avoidant attachment. So those are the three main 66 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:05,680 styles that we hear about. And these styles translate into 67 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,520 adulthood across various contexts. 68 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,360 And I want to give you some examples of those. 69 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:14,760 So in romantic relationships, in a committed partnership, an 70 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:19,480 anxious attachment might look like wondering what your partner 71 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,680 really sees in you and being worried that they're cheating or 72 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,360 they're going to leave you. You might also be in the habit 73 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,960 of judging your partner, feeling that like they're not doing 74 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,440 enough and they don't measure up. 75 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,920 Or maybe you feel like you don't need them frequently and you 76 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,360 either physically leave, like leave the relationship, or you 77 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,080 emotionally leave with one foot out the door for a very long 78 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,960 time. And that is an avoidant 79 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,880 attachment. These patterns also show up in 80 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:49,280 dating, so you might be always finding things that you don't 81 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,600 like about the people in their profiles. 82 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,800 Or after you start talking or going on a date, you might be 83 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:58,440 always disqualifying potential matches for relatively benign 84 00:04:58,440 --> 00:04:59,200 things. Right? 85 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,640 That's an avoidance style. You might feel a really strong 86 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:07,320 initial connection and bond quickly and then get really 87 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,640 upset if they don't text you back right away. 88 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,000 Get your heart broken even if you're not in a committed 89 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,600 relationship yet. This is more of an anxious 90 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,160 attachment style. If your boss says they want to 91 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,760 talk and you start spinning out thinking you did something wrong 92 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,680 or you're going to get fired, that's more anxious. 93 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:29,040 If you are a job hopper or if you are a business owner, 94 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,040 changing your mind frequently about your offers, your price 95 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:36,120 points, your growth decisions, that's more of an avoidant at 96 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,240 home. If you obsess about your health, 97 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,760 whether you're doing things right, what other people think 98 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:44,040 of you, where you're going in life, that's an anxious 99 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:47,080 attachment. If you are always zoning out or 100 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,080 looking for ways to disconnect, you know, having a couple 101 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,200 glasses of wine every night and watching more than your fair 102 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,760 share on Netflix, or worse, you're feeling really bad. 103 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,040 You're either sick in your body or depressed and unhappy, but 104 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,840 you're not seeking help. You are more likely an avoidant. 105 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:08,800 What we want to do in each of these realms is move from 106 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:14,840 insecure attachment to secure. And there are three steps to do 107 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,760 that on a very practical level. And I'm going to walk you 108 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:21,360 through this practice in a minute, But the three steps are 109 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:25,920 first we have to interrupt the old insecure pattern and get a 110 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,480 little bit of distance from that, just enough to let 111 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:31,640 something else in, or as I say, give it some competition. 112 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:37,280 Then we have to create security. And the third step is to anchor 113 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:40,920 it into your body right where you need it. 114 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,920 And notice any resistance you might have in your brain to this 115 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,320 three-step processor, this three-step plan. 116 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,000 You may be thinking, well, I'm too attached to the old way. 117 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,320 I don't know if I can change or this is just who I am. 118 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,840 And that's fine. All we need is a little opening, 119 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,880 a little bit of willingness to create a different experience 120 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,280 and a belief that it's possible for you. 121 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,000 Then you might think, OK, this won't work because they create 122 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,040 my security. Aren't they supposed to change? 123 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,760 Aren't they supposed to be the one doing that? 124 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:10,760 They're the ones that need to step up. 125 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:15,680 And if that's your solution, OK, But you're gonna be waiting a 126 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:20,640 long time if you need them to change for you to feel secure. 127 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,880 Now, that doesn't mean there aren't agreements in the 128 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:28,200 relationship that may need to change, boundaries that need to 129 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,720 be in place, or considerations for whether you wanna stay in 130 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:35,560 this relationship or not. But for now, we're going to 131 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:39,720 transform how you feel inside the relationship under the 132 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,000 current circumstances. We're going to take control of 133 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,760 your experience instead of outsourcing that to your 134 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,880 partner. And that will make it much 135 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,920 clearer for you as to anything you might want to change 136 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,320 logistically about the relationship itself. 137 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:58,720 So I want you to be secure in your relationships and to come 138 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,200 from a place of security in any decision you make, even the 139 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,880 decision to leave a relationship. 140 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:08,160 So what we're aiming for is secure in the relationships you 141 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:12,920 choose to be in today. That is within your power 142 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,000 because relationship is everything. 143 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:25,080 The way you relate to people, to yourself, to situations, to 144 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:30,160 circumstances, to your life. If you don't repair that, you 145 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,440 can easily leave a relationship and take your way of relating 146 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,960 with you into new relationships that might actually serve you 147 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,120 more and still be unhappy in those. 148 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:44,120 This work is incredibly vital. We look at how I'm relating, my 149 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:47,840 way of relating and what I might need to change in that in order 150 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,640 to make better decisions for myself, 'cause like I got myself 151 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,480 into this relationship that now I'm unhappy in, right? 152 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,440 So let's look at that first. Let's look at what's actually 153 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:02,160 creating your unhappiness. And then we look at, OK, do I 154 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,840 need to make any adjustments in my life? 155 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,200 So I want you to think of a relationship in your life that 156 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:11,120 you want more from, But whatever that means to you, I want more 157 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,880 from this relationship. It can be your significant 158 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:17,040 other, give me a family member, a friend, a professional 159 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,960 relationship. It could even be your 160 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,280 relationship with your country or your city. 161 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,520 Like that's fair game too. And I want you to choose one 162 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:29,120 that currently has conflict or that you feel is unsatisfying or 163 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,320 unrealized in some way and that you really like it to be 164 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,280 different. Now. 165 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,040 I want you to think of the last moment you felt really 166 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:41,960 dissatisfied or disheartened. And we want to be as specific as 167 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,080 possible here. Like really set the scene. 168 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:48,000 Where were you? What were you doing when you had 169 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,240 this feeling? Look at what came just before 170 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,960 you had this feeling. Maybe it was something they 171 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:57,520 said, something you saw, something they did or didn't do. 172 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:02,280 It was the look on their face. Just connect to that sensory 173 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,840 stimuli in that moment. What are you seeing? 174 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:10,640 What are you hearing, What are you feeling in that exact 175 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,440 moment? Got it? 176 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,320 Now sit up or stand a little bit taller where you are and shake. 177 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:22,480 Shake your hands, shake your arms, your body, shake it out. 178 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:28,240 Great. Now I want you to think of a 179 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:34,800 moment you felt really secure, like truly held, no question. 180 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,360 And if no memory occurs to you, that's totally fine. 181 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:45,080 You can ask yourself, what would security feel like in my body if 182 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,400 I were to make contact with it right now? 183 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,720 And you might envision being wrapped up in the biggest, 184 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,880 warmest quilt. We're being held by strong, safe 185 00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:01,800 arms, somebody who loves you, or floating in a body of water. 186 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:08,520 Whatever it is for you, want you to invite that feeling in right 187 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:13,960 now, in this moment. Now go back to that moment you 188 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:17,720 had identified before with that person, to just see their face, 189 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,960 hear those words, whatever the stimulus was for you. 190 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:25,480 And what are you noticing now? Most likely it's a little 191 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,800 different now. Sometimes my women laugh when we 192 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,000 collapse the feeling onto the old scene, the old moment. 193 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,280 Sometimes it just feels a little weird or a little more removed. 194 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,440 There's really no right way to do this. 195 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,880 We're just noticing. So notice what's different for 196 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,760 you here, even if it's just a subtle sense. 197 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:48,880 And going back to that scene now where you are marinating 198 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:53,000 yourself in security again, we're going back to that 199 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:57,760 feeling, that warmth feeling held from all angles, totally 200 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:06,680 safe and sufficient and secure, and imagining what it would be 201 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:11,480 like to feel this. If you got to feel this anytime 202 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,880 you wished, no matter what was happening around you, who was 203 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:19,200 present, what they were doing or failing to do, that you got to 204 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:23,920 be secure in yourself. Wouldn't that be incredible? 205 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:30,480 And if you could feel secure no matter what, then you could 206 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,760 start really making all your decisions from a place of peace 207 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:38,400 and confidence and trust instead of fear. 208 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:42,560 And how amazing would that be to know you're making the best 209 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:47,680 decisions for you, even when it's hard, that this is your 210 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:54,280 baseline security. That's what's possible inside of 211 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,920 the work I do in my coaching containers. 212 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:01,520 We invest in and expand the feeling of security out into 213 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:07,040 every area of your life from your core and to create an 214 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,520 emotional safety and emotional freedom that is non 215 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:14,960 circumstantial. It goes with you everywhere so 216 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,960 you can face the problems of your life with calm confidence 217 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,680 instead of anxiety and exhaustion. 218 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:28,960 This is the baseline capable of launching you into a life of 219 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,880 true impact, which is what I believe we all want as 220 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,960 Superwoman, right? To change the world for the 221 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,560 better. And this can be done starting 222 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:42,120 with our own lives and families and neighborhoods and 223 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,720 communities. This is how it's done with Co 224 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,680 regulation, and it has to start with you. 225 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,480 When you bring this energy into your relationships, it's like a 226 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,400 rising tide that lifts all boats. 227 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,280 You bring the security. When you stop relying on other 228 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:03,200 people to bring the security for you, that dependence goes away 229 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,640 and all of a sudden they start creating their own security. 230 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,760 It's like an implicit permission slip for other people to do the 231 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,520 same. And when all parties in a 232 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,360 relationship are taking responsibility for themselves in 233 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,080 this way, true unity is possible. 234 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,520 This is what saves marriages. This is what creates life 235 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:24,640 changing partnerships. This is what creates true 236 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:28,400 happiness and connection and collaboration. 237 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,160 This work is so incredibly vital. 238 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,600 So if you are interested in learning more, come to my master 239 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,120 class on February 13th. If you're listening to this in 240 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,520 real time, it's called Breaking the Love Curse. 241 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,240 How to have better relationships. 242 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,760 So many of us feel relegated to feeling this anxiety and 243 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,200 insecurity within our relationships because it's what 244 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,960 we learned growing up. But you can absolutely unlearn 245 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,840 that pattern. And I'm going to show you how. 246 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,720 You register now at the link in the show notes and I'll see you 247 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,040 there. Thank you for spending this time 248 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,960 with me. I hope it was so valuable for 249 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,400 you. As always, I will see you next 250 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:11,280 week and have an amazing week. Until then, if you're ready to 251 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,920 do the work to move forward on what you want and actually get 252 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,480 it, I can help you. I'm offering my podcast 253 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,520 listeners a free consultation with me to talk about what 254 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,560 coaching can do for you this year. 255 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,920 Just visit effielavore.com to get started.