1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:05,040 I'm Effie, a life coach who profoundly gives a fuck about 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,480 you feeling better for good. I teach people how to cut the 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,000 crap and live according to their own rules. 4 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,640 It's a crime we don't learn this stuff in school, but it's 5 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,680 simpler than you think to break the pattern and start living the 6 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,200 life you want. Listen on to find out how. 7 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:27,960 Ah, this is the place. Cannot wait to share with you 8 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:31,160 what I have to share today. And when I was preparing for 9 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:35,120 this podcast, I was thinking about that line in the opener. 10 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,960 Oh, hold on, I have your sneeze. Oh no, Oh no. 11 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,920 Oh, I'm not sure if I'll edit that out or not. 12 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,320 It was kind of cute. Anyway, when I was preparing for 13 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:53,120 this episode, I was thinking of that part in the opening where I 14 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:56,640 say I teach people how to cut the crap and live according to 15 00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:00,800 their own rules. That's what we're talking about 16 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,320 today. What that means. 17 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:03,880 First of all, what's the crap we're cutting? 18 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,720 And then second of all, what does it look like to actually 19 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,880 create my own rules and live by them? 20 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:14,960 So I started my dating adventure a couple months back. 21 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,400 I've shared about this a couple times, I think, on the podcast. 22 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:22,840 It is going exceedingly well. I am learning so much, so much 23 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:27,960 about myself and honesty and ethics and the value of 24 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:32,200 investing in relationship and conversation and connection with 25 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,680 other people. I've met so many amazing people. 26 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:38,280 I've had lots of special connections, some of which are 27 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,520 developing in surprising ways, most of which, you know, go the 28 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,360 way of the dinosaur. And it's like, yeah, that's 29 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,600 normal. But the whole thing has been a 30 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:50,840 delight, at times mystifying and also deeply challenging. 31 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:55,600 And one of the things that stood out to me so starkly being on 32 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,280 this app and looking through profiles and matching and having 33 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,640 conversations and spending time with new people is how many 34 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:06,280 rules there are going on under the surface. 35 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,320 All of these unwritten rules, and many of them are collective 36 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,240 delusions. Like dating sucks, it's really 37 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,120 hard, it's really hard to find someone. 38 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,440 There's no good guys out there, women, whatever, fill in the 39 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:20,320 blank. And then there's more specific 40 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,640 delusions that are actually fostered by like the help 41 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,560 industry. They kind of have to create a 42 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:31,280 problem to help you solve it. So things like you have to be 43 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:35,560 with a man who puts you in your feminine and this is how to move 44 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,320 and laugh and act to attract a guy. 45 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,040 And then this is how to keep a guy around. 46 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:45,360 And they're all so manipulative, you know, these delusions that 47 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,360 were sold. And then there are some more 48 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,800 customized illusions that we hold personally. 49 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:54,520 Like I can't be with anyone under 6, two, for example, or 50 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:58,080 anyone that's bald or if we don't meet or see each other 51 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:01,240 within a week of talking, the momentum dies. 52 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:05,040 It's just never going to happen. Or if I don't feel fireworks or 53 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,600 at least aggressive sparks on the first date, There's no 54 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:11,160 chemistry, it'll never work. It's dead in the water. 55 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,280 And one of the favorite talking points on the app that just 56 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,520 delights me to no end is what are your love languages? 57 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:23,000 Which is just so silly and safe because all of them are the 58 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:27,840 right answer, right? That's oh, I love giving gifts 59 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:32,480 or I love, I love being of service and I love physical 60 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,400 affection. It's like no matter what you 61 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,360 say, you're like, Oh yeah, that's great. 62 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,320 There's no risk in having a conversation about love 63 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,960 languages. Nobody says I don't like to do 64 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,840 any of that shit. I just want you to do it for me. 65 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:47,400 And nobody says my love language is don't be an asshole. 66 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:51,320 But I feel like that's what we're all screening for, right, 67 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,960 Right. So every day on this app, I am 68 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,480 acutely aware of how we all come with these built in manuals, 69 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,320 these operation manuals for how we cope with the world and other 70 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,840 people and what we expect, what we need and desire and prefer. 71 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:13,280 And unfortunately, these manuals are not in the public Commons. 72 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,960 There are definitely some clues in these profiles, but you 73 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,880 really have to find out the hard way what's a person like? 74 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,880 What are their expectations for what a partner should behave 75 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:24,240 like and all of that? What are their expectations for 76 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,200 themselves? Of course, you would hope that 77 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,120 whatever their expectations are for a partner, that they would 78 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,600 hold themselves to that line. But you know, it's not always 79 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,520 the case. And all too often as women, we 80 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:40,040 don't even know what it is we need or expect. 81 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:45,160 And if we do know what those things are, we're either way too 82 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,480 discreet about it, meaning we don't even tell our partners 83 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,600 what they are, we just think they should be able to read our 84 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,520 minds. Or we're so overt about it that 85 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:59,000 we demand they meet those needs and expectations simply because 86 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,120 we have expressed them to them and because we have them. 87 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:07,960 It's crazy making on both sides. We never stopped to examine the 88 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,840 actual crap in our manual. Whether or not it's good 89 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,920 information to carry around anymore. 90 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,600 It's all too often we are working with operations manuals 91 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,240 from previous versions of ourselves and the old rules no 92 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,840 longer really apply to who we are or who we're becoming. 93 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:29,200 Like we really can't take them with us, but we act like they're 94 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:33,960 law without questioning. And that gets us into a whole 95 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,960 world of trouble. It keeps us small and sad and 96 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:41,160 stuck, repeating the same cycles, creating the same 97 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,800 results, and trying to change things that were never under our 98 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,360 control. And I'll give you an example. 99 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,320 I was in a relationship once with someone who didn't really 100 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,400 celebrate birthdays. I, I don't really know why we 101 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,280 talked about it. I tried to grill them on it. 102 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,880 He said it wasn't really a big thing in his household, but he 103 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,440 wasn't Jehovah's Witness or anything like that. 104 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:05,960 It just wasn't a thing. So anyway, for context, to me, 105 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,160 your birthday is the most important day of the year. 106 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,520 It is a high holy day as far as I'm concerned, and you ought to 107 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:18,360 be at the very least low key worshipped and allowed to run 108 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,760 amok on your special day. I don't care who you are. 109 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,680 So the first year we were together, he flunked. 110 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:28,000 He flunked out of the school, which hurt, but I thought, OK, 111 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,520 he definitely learned his lesson this year. 112 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:35,080 I kept reminding him it was coming up the next year and 113 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:39,840 like, trash fire. OK, marginally less worse than 114 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:44,880 the year before, but like, no. And I had an existential crisis 115 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,680 in the relationship. I thought, if he can't meet this 116 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:52,240 need, I'm never gonna be able to enjoy my birthdays. 117 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:57,560 I will never feel special because he is refusing to meet 118 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,320 my stated need that I have that's valid that I have 119 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,320 expressed to him and he is not complying. 120 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,960 So he must not care about me, he must not really love me. 121 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:10,720 And that thought, that belief was causing so much turmoil 122 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,840 inside of me and in our relationship. 123 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:18,280 And it was only when I started deciding exactly what I wanted 124 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:22,360 to do for my birthday and took the reins that those old 125 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,360 thoughts could die. That old rule book of like, oh, 126 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,640 your partner's supposed to do something big for your birthday 127 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,040 and make you feel really special. 128 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:35,920 So now whether I'm with someone or not, like I take that role 129 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:38,800 on, I take the role of my primary partner. 130 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:42,040 I'm like, it's my job to make me feel special. 131 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,080 And if anybody else swoops in and does something like, that's 132 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:49,760 just icing on the cake. So when it's my birthday time, 133 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:54,200 it's fucking celebration time. And I don't just take the day, I 134 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,640 take like the whole week. In fact, in my family we have 135 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,360 like birth months. So this year I'm taking myself 136 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,920 on retreat to Big Sur and I'm gonna have the most incredible 137 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,760 time. I'm planning a dinner with my 138 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,920 loved ones. I'm just gonna do it up 'cause 139 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,800 it's my fucking birthday and I gotta take care of my Boo. 140 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:18,920 My rules, I play by them, but I cannot require anyone else to. 141 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:23,680 So liberating. Our operating manuals show up in 142 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:28,280 absolutely every area of our lives, and so much of the stuff 143 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:33,799 inside our manuals we adopted through osmosis from society and 144 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:37,840 authority figures and even random people and influences. 145 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,600 But if we're going to get what we really want in life, if 146 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,520 you're going to be the person you want to be, living the life 147 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,520 you want to live, you cannot take this shit with you. 148 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,720 You're going to have to learn how to overwrite your manuals, 149 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,680 period. Because I promise you, most of 150 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,920 the baggage you've been fighting to take with you because it 151 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:01,320 feels so valuable and so familiar, and you have had it 152 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,280 with you because it's always been there. 153 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,920 Those bags have been stinking up the place for a long time. 154 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,280 And when you realize that, and you actually take the time to 155 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,760 open them and see what, OK, this is heavy, so it feels like there 156 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,080 should be gold inside. But you, you open them up and 157 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:20,080 you realize they're full of like rocks and rotting meat. 158 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,920 You don't need to take that with you. 159 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,360 And the rule that you cultivated, that you were led to 160 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,800 believe is just the way things are, that you've been 161 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,720 reflexively believing this is the way they're supposed to be, 162 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:40,720 is all made-up. It's made-up like love 163 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:45,200 languages. What is that something someone 164 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,200 made-up? Same with male female dynamics 165 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:52,760 and marriage and 401 KS and religion and our goals or even 166 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,760 needing to have goals, but also the specific goals that we set 167 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,880 for ourselves. Even the scientific method. 168 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:03,080 We treat all these things so preciously, like they're the end 169 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,440 all be all, and we put so much pressure on ourselves to comply 170 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:10,680 to them. But really we just made them up 171 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:15,960 to try and cope with reality and the fact that we will never 172 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:20,920 understand the way things are and why they happen the way they 173 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,000 do. And this is what I tell myself 174 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,520 when I start feeling that pressure or when I start getting 175 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:29,920 worked up about something because it is always, always a 176 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,760 result of me believing some presumptive made-up head trash 177 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,520 that isn't helpful. That's where the pressure comes 178 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,280 from. Like oh, because the person I 179 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,920 was talking to stopped responding to me like I blew it, 180 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,400 I must have said or done the wrong thing. 181 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,760 Nope, my brain made that up so at least it could feel right 182 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,560 about something and then go obsess about it and try to solve 183 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:54,440 a problem that's not there instead of just sitting with my 184 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,840 discomfort and powerlessness over not knowing. 185 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:01,720 Or because she checked that box in her profile that says doesn't 186 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,880 want kids, that means she hates kids and she'll never accept 187 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:11,160 mine. made-up. made-up why? Well, it saves me the risk of 188 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,960 putting myself out there and asking. 189 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,240 Or because a relationship ends badly. 190 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,320 The whole thing was a lie. Nope, I just made that up. 191 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,000 Survival brain strikes again. She's just trying to make me 192 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,360 feel better. Which may work temporarily, but 193 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,920 then it backfires big time by creating more of the exact thing 194 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:34,240 you don't want. Think about it, the more you 195 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:38,120 reinforce your story that your last relationship was a waste 196 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,240 because they betrayed you and they never really loved you 197 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:45,760 anyway, that cements into your body the underlying belief that 198 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:49,840 I can't trust my own judgement with people if I was wrong about 199 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,040 him or I could be wrong about anybody, right? 200 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,320 And what are you going to do when a great guy comes around? 201 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,240 You're going to be suspicious. You're going to haze him, You're 202 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,760 going to be hard on him. You're going to throw him out 203 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,840 maybe because of a misperception or try to manipulate him into 204 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:05,200 making you a guarantee that he'll never do wrong, which is 205 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:10,600 an impossible promise. And these kind of behaviors can 206 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:14,800 make us feel powerful. But empowerment does not 207 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,040 initially make you feel powerful. 208 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,560 That comes later. And most often, the moment of 209 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:25,600 empowerment feels terrible because you've finally given up 210 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,920 all your antics and your attempts at manipulating the 211 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,560 situation, and your real role has come into focus. 212 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,840 You know what the right thing is. 213 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,960 You know what you have to do. And a lot of times it sucks. 214 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,720 It's going to hurt. You know it's going to hurt, but 215 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,680 you got to do it. And that's what most people 216 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,880 don't realize. They want to feel powerful 217 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,280 without the fear. They want confidence and 218 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:53,160 certainty and vision without the risk. 219 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:58,600 But powerlessness is the price of empowerment. 220 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,120 To truly empower ourselves, we have to be willing to feel 221 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:06,120 powerless over the things we legitimately cannot control and 222 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,880 get our hands out of that shit. Because if we're in true 223 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,680 acceptance of that powerlessness, that appropriate 224 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:17,000 powerlessness, we stop vying for control in arenas we don't 225 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:22,120 belong, which frees up all this energy for the few arenas we do 226 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,880 belong in. But it's super uncomfortable to 227 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:30,160 a admit and then B sit with I have no control over whether I 228 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,600 ever hear from this person again. 229 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,360 I don't know why she gave that answer. 230 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:39,040 I'm so hurt, and this will hurt for a while, but I can hold 231 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,000 this, and I can also hold my head up knowing I gave it my 232 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,760 all. Any partner I ever have is free 233 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:50,560 to make a different choice at any time, with or without me. 234 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:56,560 It sucks, it's terrible. But no one said dignity didn't 235 00:13:56,560 --> 00:14:00,440 smart, no one said doing the right thing didn't hurt. 236 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,320 But the rewards on the other side. 237 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:12,160 We're talking true, divine, deep, profound reserves of 238 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:18,280 personal power and effectiveness and focus and intention and an 239 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:24,440 ability to create miracles. So I want to give you some 240 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,960 questions for discernment to help you make better decisions 241 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,280 with your headspace by starting to call out the shit that's 242 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,520 causing you to spin out in harmful narratives and burn up 243 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,080 your energy on things that aren't your business. 244 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,400 And my love never were. Because the world needs you, 245 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,440 Queenie. We've got work to do. 246 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,120 And you're going to need to have your wits about you to show up 247 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,160 big in your own life to be able to lead the way and to inspire 248 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,040 others to do the same. Because that's really what it's 249 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,400 about, isn't it? The other side of empowerment 250 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:57,960 where you get to walk this earth knowing who you are and what you 251 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:03,480 stand for and having a profound positive impact on others, being 252 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,720 an example of what's possible. So you ready? 253 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,360 Here you go, questions for discernment. 254 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:15,160 First one, super simple, what am I thinking? 255 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,200 What am I believing? I teach a tool in my containers 256 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:23,160 called the brain dump or the brain barf that just gets all 257 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,800 the content of what you're really thinking out of your 258 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,400 brain and onto paper. It's so vital to see it in front 259 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,120 of you so that you can actually deal with it. 260 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,840 So the first step is just to identify what is it that I'm 261 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,080 actually thinking and believing in this moment. 262 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:40,800 And that creates the beginning of a separation between you and 263 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,960 your thoughts. Next you want to ask why? 264 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,960 Why am I thinking this? And we're, we're not asking 265 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,360 where did this come from? Like we're not looking for 266 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,520 origin. There's been months and months, 267 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,560 years on origin stories, but we actually don't need to know that 268 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:59,160 in order to shift it. What we're asking is why am I 269 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,080 having this thought? Meaning, what's the positive 270 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,640 intention of this thought or this belief? 271 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,920 What is this thought trying to do for me? 272 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,880 And most often a thought like this was brought to us by 273 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:14,120 survival brain and it's just trying to keep us safe, safe and 274 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,200 familiar and in some sense of certainty and control. 275 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:22,320 Next you want to ask, is it useful for me to believe this? 276 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,760 Is it in service to me and where I'm going? 277 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:31,400 Does believing this thing empower me or is it just there 278 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,680 to make me feel better temporarily? 279 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:38,320 And an advanced question you can ask yourself to really get 280 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:43,240 clarity on this is, does this thought inspire me to lead 281 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:49,640 through my own spiritual power and wisdom, or does it inspire 282 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:54,600 me to outsource that leadership to something outside of me? 283 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,520 When you do that, you dilute your power every single time. 284 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,600 And here's the exciting thing about knowing this, about 285 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:05,640 knowing it's all made-up, is because you get to rebuild and 286 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,319 make up rules for your own life that relieve all the unnecessary 287 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:12,920 pressure and keep you pointed to your own true north. 288 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,200 If it's diluting your power, it's on the fucking chopping 289 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,880 block. As far as I'm concerned, life is 290 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:23,079 an ideas marketplace. It's sell or be sold, always. 291 00:17:23,079 --> 00:17:25,680 So they're either being sold to. You're buying a bill of goods 292 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,160 based on another person's thought. 293 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,200 And there's so many shitty thoughts out there. 294 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:35,160 So many bad ones. Or you're selling yourself on 295 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:40,200 great thoughts that empower you. The most useful thoughts for 296 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,840 where you're headed. And there are only two types of 297 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,640 thoughts, two types of decisions you can ever make. 298 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,200 The kind that bring you closer to the person you want to be and 299 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,400 the way you want to live. And the ones that take you 300 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,120 further away. The ones that cleave you from 301 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:56,160 that person. And of course, you have to have 302 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,800 a working hypothesis for who that is, who you want to be, the 303 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:04,640 values of your future self, your higher self, how she feels and 304 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:09,200 operates and moves the world. How does she love? 305 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,720 How does she treat herself and others? 306 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:16,480 How does she handle fear and disappointment and failure? 307 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:21,520 You have to grow the habit of making conscious, constant 308 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:26,000 contact with her, so you consult her as your most trusted advisor 309 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:31,160 and empower your transitional self to grow into her. 310 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,280 For more on this specifically, I recommend listening to episode 311 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:39,600 65, which is called Master Your Three Most Important 312 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,240 Relationships, and I will link those in the show notes. 313 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,440 All right, I hope this podcast was so valuable for you. 314 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,840 If so, please leave us a five star rating and review on Apple 315 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:54,400 Podcasts or Spotify right now. When you leave a review for the 316 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,040 show, you'll be automatically entered to win $100 Visa gift 317 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:01,240 card, which is not too shabby. So if you genuinely love the 318 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,320 show, please take 90 seconds to express it. 319 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:08,400 Every bit of feedback counts and helps this podcast grow and 320 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,920 reach more women that need it. So thank you, thank you. 321 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,400 It means more than you know. Thank you. 322 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,120 So glad you were here today with me. 323 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,760 February is relationship month at Effie Lavor Coaching. 324 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,720 So if you're listening to this in real time, February 2020 325 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,920 sixth, I'm cooking up some really exciting things for you. 326 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:32,160 So be sure to meet me right back here next week and take 327 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:33,880 excellent care of yourself until then. 328 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:38,480 If you're ready to do the work to move forward on what you want 329 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,480 and actually get it, I can help you. 330 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,040 I'm offering my podcast listeners a free consultation 331 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,960 with me to talk about what coaching can do for you this 332 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,200 year. Just visit effielavor.com to get 333 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:51,640 started.