1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:05,040 I'm Effie, a life coach who profoundly gives a fuck about 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,480 you feeling better for good. I teach people how to cut the 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,000 crap and live according to their own rules. 4 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,640 It's a crime we don't learn this stuff in school, but it's 5 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,680 simpler than you think to break the pattern and start living the 6 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,200 life you want. Listen on to find out how. 7 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,960 Hello, hello, and welcome to Feeling Better for Good. 8 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,920 Welcome to 2026. I know we're a couple weeks in, 9 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,320 but it just feels like so much is moving and shaking. 10 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:35,400 And I'm really excited to come to you with this 92nd episode 11 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,560 and share with you the difference between availability 12 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,320 and alignment. And I wanted to start by just 13 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:47,840 telling you a story about my gift giving experience over 14 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:51,280 these holidays. And you might have one yourself, 15 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,640 too. Like specifically, like, what 16 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:59,400 was your biggest fail in either giving or receiving a gift? 17 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,520 I heard a podcast episode about this recently about how we 18 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,319 always think that our gifts are going to be the best gifts that 19 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,600 the people we love are going to get on that holiday. 20 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:12,920 And we want to believe it. We want to believe it so badly 21 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:17,000 that we may not even take in the person's disappointment or, you 22 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:20,120 know, there's this social convention that kind of asks 23 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,600 them to hide it. It's like any gift is a good 24 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,360 gift. Even if you don't like it, you 25 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:28,040 still have to act polite and thank the person for it and act 26 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,480 like you really love it, right? So my daughter refused to do 27 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:37,600 that in this story. She actually flat out refused a 28 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:41,400 gift that I gave her and good on her for doing so because it was 29 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,160 not a good gift. So let's talk about it. 30 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,600 So my daughter who's 9 asked for Uggs. 31 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,480 Well she asked for several things. 32 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,960 She had a a list of Santa's list and Santa was very generous this 33 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,840 year and got most of the things on the list. 34 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,560 But the Uggs are just one thing that I can't compromise on. 35 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:05,080 I just, I just cannot stand the things and didn't really want 36 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,560 them in the house. I used to feel this principled 37 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,960 about Barbie. And then and then one made it in 38 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,480 and then the movie came out and I was like, well, I guess you 39 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,560 know, Barbie. And now we have like 17 Barbies. 40 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,120 So I knew that I wasn't necessarily going to be able to 41 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,880 hold out forever. But she's been asking for Uggs 42 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,600 for months and I've been very clear about having no intention 43 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,480 of getting her Uggs right. So one day I'm at the dog park. 44 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,360 My kids happen to be at their dad's so they weren't with me. 45 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:38,680 Usually they are. And this woman that I know who 46 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,120 has a kid her her kids now in middle school. 47 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,480 But her daughter used to go to the school that my kids go to 48 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:49,880 and she's always trying to like dispatch her hand me downs from 49 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:54,520 her daughter on to my kids, which is met with resistance. 50 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,480 Like one time she texted me a picture of a backpack that she 51 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,520 wanted to give to my 5 year old and I showed my my girl the 52 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,120 picture and she was like, absolutely not. 53 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:08,800 So we have said no or I've allowed the kids to say no on 54 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,360 occasion. But then sometimes she'll just 55 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:14,840 bring these bags and it's like, OK, thank you for thinking of 56 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,160 us, you know, and we'll take them home and weed through them 57 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,640 and maybe find one or two things. 58 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,120 But most of them we just pass on. 59 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,080 So anyway, I'm at the dog park, this is pre Christmas and she 60 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,720 comes up to me and she's like, you'll never guess what I have 61 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,680 in my trunk. And I'm like what? 62 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,320 And she's like, I have these Uggs, they're size 2. 63 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:39,320 So Frey's like a size 1 1/2. So going into a two I'm like OK 64 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,400 great, I'll take them 'cause I know that she wants them and I'm 65 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,360 never gonna buy them for her. So she presents the Uggs. 66 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,960 They are not cute. My kid, my kid very clearly 67 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,760 wanted the camel ones, those camel, you know, slipper boots 68 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:58,320 that everyone in LA wears because of course, her friends 69 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,240 have them. And so that's what she wanted. 70 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:05,160 But these ones are like rough. Like they have been rough loved. 71 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,000 And they're burgundy, but they're super faded and all 72 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,280 these different places and then dilapidated. 73 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,560 And I was like, Uggs, They're Uggs. 74 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:16,160 So I took them in. They sat in the closet for quite 75 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,920 a while and I kept thinking about them as like my secret 76 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:23,040 weapon, you know, for Christmas I was even like, she's going to 77 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,360 be so excited. And every time I looked at them, 78 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:31,200 I was like, even me that has a bias against Uggs. 79 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:35,240 I'm like, I don't think these are like the greatest idea, but 80 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:36,800 because they were Uggs, I highly done. 81 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:39,720 So I gave her these. I kind of like, I don't love to 82 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,920 do a big gift dump on the actual day of Christmas and the kids 83 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,600 were going to be at their dad's anyway this year. 84 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:49,880 So I kind of titrated the gifts out leading up to Christmas. 85 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:53,080 And then after Christmas, we had our second Christmas celebration 86 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,760 on New Year's Day, which was super fun. 87 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,960 But on this particular day, and because her little sister has to 88 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:03,040 have everything that big sis has, I had gotten little sister 89 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,400 some of these like fuzzy black boots from Target or whatever. 90 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,840 And I presented the Uggs. I didn't even bother wrapping 91 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,600 them. I feel like these are like 92 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,560 unconscious signs all along. Like every time I saw them in 93 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:22,560 the closet and then oh, like, I refuse to wrap them because it 94 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,480 just felt like polishing a turd, you know? 95 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:28,640 So I get rid of these legs. I'm like, guess what? 96 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:35,040 And the second I saw her face, I knew I was like, oh, yeah, this 97 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:38,680 was not the gift. It was not dramatic at all. 98 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:43,040 She just flat out was like, no, I'm not getting those near my 99 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,840 feet. They are not entering my 100 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:49,280 wardrobe. I basically get them away from 101 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:52,040 me. And immediately I was like, yes, 102 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,920 that is the correct response. I apologized because it was just 103 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,640 so funny. We had a good laugh. 104 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,600 I said I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking 105 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,920 and I don't actually know what to do with them because they're 106 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:10,440 really in quite poor shape. But I immediately saw the folly 107 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:15,640 of my ways and that I actually had two motivations for 108 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,200 accepting this pawn off at the dog park. 109 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,600 The first was and I didn't see it in the moment, which is so 110 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,440 funny. But the first was social guilt, 111 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,440 but I just didn't want to risk feeling rude or being perceived 112 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,800 as rude by saying no. I was like, oh, these Uggs, 113 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:37,360 they're, they're expensive. They even if they're used, like, 114 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,520 I, I mean, we don't have that in our household. 115 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,440 We buy from thrift stores all the time. 116 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:45,160 So used is not an issue. It was just how far they were 117 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:49,480 used. So I was like, I felt guilty by 118 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,600 saying no. It felt like a generous gift. 119 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:56,200 And then the second motivation was just plain old apathy and 120 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,200 thoughtlessness. I was like, you know, whatever, 121 00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,840 right? An Ugg is an Ugg. 122 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,280 I did not question whether they were what my girl really wanted. 123 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,880 I did not imagine how she would feel putting them on for the 124 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,480 first time. Like these Uggs, these boots had 125 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:19,640 one thing going for them, and that was that they were there. 126 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:24,080 They were dressed there, and that's not enough. 127 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:31,160 So availability does not mean value does not mean that there's 128 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,200 intrinsic value. And that's what we're talking 129 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,440 about today. When I apologized to her and we 130 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,920 laughed about it, and I destroyed the evidence of the 131 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,720 Uggs, I put them back in the closet. 132 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,960 It really got me thinking about how often I accept my first 133 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,680 thought as law just because my brain is offering it to me in 134 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,640 the moment. So I was like, oh, this is so 135 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,080 nice. You know, she's giving us 136 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:58,000 something of value or something that at least at one time held 137 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,640 value and that in my mind, like my daughter was gonna value. 138 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:07,680 But I didn't actually question whether this was a value to us. 139 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,680 It got me thinking too, like, where else can I afford to say 140 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:17,000 no instead of just taking what's given because it's readily 141 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,560 available? And that's what inspired the 142 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,720 subject of this podcast. So today we're talking about one 143 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,480 of the biggest sources of the kind of stress that catapults us 144 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:33,559 as women into toxic cycles and keeps us there, often without us 145 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:37,640 even realizing it. And that is when we say yes or 146 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:41,679 no reflexively. We do this all the time, but we 147 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:44,680 do it out of politeness. We do it out of resistance, we 148 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:49,120 do it out of guilt, history, or habit, and we do it without 149 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:53,560 checking for alignment. So on its head, this is a 150 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,920 boundaries conversation. Today it's about decision 151 00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:00,080 making, but underneath it's really an identity thing that is 152 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,360 the driving force. And coming off of my podcast 153 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,600 series on reinvention, this just felt so timely. 154 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:11,160 Oh, and I have something special for you at the end, so make sure 155 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,360 you hang around till the end. Here we go. 156 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:17,200 Let's just dig right in. I've got two more stories for 157 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,720 you and I want you to look for any pieces of yourself you can 158 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:25,560 spot along the way. So as a single mom who shares 159 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:28,360 custody, you know I have a Co parent and I consider him my 160 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,840 business partner in the business of raising our kids. 161 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,760 We have developed a very good working relationship over the 162 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,720 years and yet I still have the children most of the time. 163 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,360 However, during our three-week winter break, they have a 164 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,800 three-week winter break from school, which is like insane 165 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,560 when I'm thinking about it. It just ended. 166 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:50,120 I just sent them back to school on Monday, but we had this 167 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,720 three-week break and I asked their dad. 168 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,760 I said what are you willing to cover? 169 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,840 Because we both agreed that they weren't going to go into any 170 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,280 sort of winter Academy or camp or anything like that. 171 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,800 We were staying in town this year and we decided, you know 172 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,720 what, we're just going to figure it out together. 173 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,320 So I asked him what are the dates that you can do or dates 174 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,720 sometimes that you can do? And he came back with very 175 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,920 specific, you know, I can do this day from this time to this 176 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:15,760 time and I can do from this day to this day. 177 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:19,120 And it included, I think a three or four day swath in there. 178 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,600 Over Christmas. We alternate holidays. 179 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:26,360 So one year I'll take Thanksgiving Day and he'll take 180 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:30,400 Christmas Day and then the next year it will be the opposite. 181 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,800 We've historically like rolled Christmas Eve in with Christmas 182 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,200 because to be honest, when it's my year I take the kids to 183 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:41,040 Hawaii, usually where my family lives and that's typically a 184 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,120 multiple week trip. So being able to have the kids 185 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:48,240 for that long is definitely awesome and generous of their 186 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,440 dad. So anyway, he had asked for like 187 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:55,920 4 days or something over Christmas and my first instinct 188 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:59,200 was to push back. So I had this reflexive 189 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,560 resistance around his proposed holiday schedule. 190 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,560 And I thought that was really interesting because when I went 191 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,080 through, I was going to like just push back on like, well, 192 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:13,080 what if I could get Christmas Eve and maybe I could get the 193 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,800 kids for half of the day on Christmas? 194 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,480 And it's so funny because even though we have a really 195 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,840 functional relationship now, a relationship that's actually 196 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:27,160 based in just a ton of goodwill, I have this old habit of pushing 197 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,240 back on basically whatever he offers just because it's him 198 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,480 that's offering it right, 'cause we went through a custody battle 199 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,080 at one point years ago. So this was really interesting 200 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:41,000 to me, this impulse that I noticed in myself of wanting to 201 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,400 reject an offer simply because of who offered. 202 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:48,320 And luckily, I took a pause and I actually asked myself, is this 203 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,480 even important to me? And it wasn't. 204 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:53,760 I ended up just accepting all of his dates. 205 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,800 It was great actually to have that support over the holidays. 206 00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:02,560 Because of that, I had the flexibility and the time freedom 207 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:07,840 to start dating for the first time in over 18 months. 208 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,200 So that's pretty exciting. I'll tell you more about that 209 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,840 later. So availability is not 210 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,720 alignment. In both of these cases, I needed 211 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,240 to pause to be able to ask myself, well, does this fit? 212 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:23,160 Does this actually work for me? In the first case it was like 213 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,600 compulsive, yes. And the second case it was a 214 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:29,000 compulsive push back. This showed up for one of my 215 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,160 students in my Feel Better for Good group this week too. 216 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:36,000 She came with a situation with her daughter. 217 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,280 They had been planning an event for a mutual family member and 218 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:44,120 her daughter sent a text that was very strong about hey, I 219 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,720 want you to show up this way, this is the way that I want it 220 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:52,280 to go. And instantly my client said yes 221 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:57,800 without questioning, even though it felt awful and she actually 222 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,600 wanted to be heard if not collaborated with. 223 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,960 And this was important to her. She realized it was important by 224 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,720 how bad it felt when she instantly caved to her 225 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,440 daughter's will. So we talked about and we worked 226 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:17,120 through this, who she would need to be in order to allow herself 227 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,960 to bring this back up. Now, it could be that her 228 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,680 daughter wasn't up for it, but that's not why we do it. 229 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,920 That's not why we speak up for ourselves to get someone else to 230 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:32,920 change their mind or behavior. We do it for us in integrity. 231 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,640 If it's something that really matters to us, we pipe up and we 232 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:43,720 ask, regardless of the outcome. This is where baking in a pause 233 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,440 before answering is really, really going to serve you. 234 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:51,840 What we want to do is work on finding out in advance, instead 235 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,840 of retroactively, how we authentically think and feel and 236 00:13:55,840 --> 00:14:01,360 what really matters to us. So this week, I invite you to 237 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,800 practice a different kind of fit check. 238 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,560 This is not an outfit check. This is to check and see if 239 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,160 something fits. And you're going to do this when 240 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:15,280 you're offered something. Anything can apply, whether it's 241 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:18,600 free shit, a request, or a demand from someone else. 242 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:22,400 Whether it's someone else's opinion and whether it's your 243 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,640 own thoughts, you can also do a fit check with your own 244 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,800 thoughts. This is really powerful. 245 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:32,720 So when this offer comes in, in any form, first what I want you 246 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:37,640 to do is pause. Ask yourself, does this fit? 247 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,880 Do I want this? Why or why not? 248 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,400 Is it aligned with where I'm going? 249 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,480 And if that doesn't give you a clear answer, is this aligned 250 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:55,640 with who I'm becoming? If the answer is no, it's time 251 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,280 to pipe up. It's going to be really 252 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,800 uncomfortable at first because you're pushing up against your 253 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:06,240 old identity of conflict avoidant or people pleaser. 254 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,960 Because most of us as women have been socialized and been 255 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,160 brainwashed to think that being true to ourselves is some sort 256 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,880 of liability and that what we authentically feel, what we 257 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:21,320 authentically want, is a problem and that people won't be happy 258 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,720 with us or they'll go away. If they know what that is. 259 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:30,240 And I want to be really honest with you here, they might. 260 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:37,320 It is a risk, not a liability, but a risk to authentically 261 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,040 share yourself in your relationships. 262 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:44,200 But I want to offer that that is a loss you can afford. 263 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:48,920 If you share your genuine thoughts and feelings and ideas 264 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,440 and you share yourself, you share your heart, and it is a 265 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,720 problem for the other person. I'm not even talking about 266 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,000 disagreement. I'm talking about the fact that 267 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,800 you have these feelings is a problem for the other person, 268 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,800 then that is a loss that you can afford. 269 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,720 And maybe it's a problem they just need to work out on their 270 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,400 own. And we need to stop making it a 271 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:15,920 problem for ourselves to actually be humans, to be humane 272 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,240 toward ourselves. Because I believe that betraying 273 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,160 yourself to keep someone like that around, someone who doesn't 274 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:26,720 know, respect or value your autonomy is not something you 275 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:31,640 can afford if you're committed to authentic relationship, to 276 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,880 truly knowing and being known, which is the best feeling in the 277 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,200 world. That's why I'm dating. 278 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,280 It's why I'm putting myself out there, even through massive 279 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,640 discomfort. So when you stop people 280 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,200 pleasing, it is true, people aren't gonna be pleased. 281 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,880 That does happen. But it's happening anyway. 282 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:55,040 You can kill yourself trying to please everybody all the time, 283 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,640 and it's still not gonna work. Because pleasing them was never 284 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,240 your job. It's not your job. 285 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,640 It never was. It's theirs. 286 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,720 Their life. They get to do what they please, 287 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:09,079 what pleases them. And your life, in your life, you 288 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:14,040 please you. Now the cost, especially at 1st, 289 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:18,040 may be feeling a little guilty because again, we are socialized 290 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:21,400 to respond reflexively to other people's requests. 291 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,720 The cost is feeling a little guilty, which is totally normal 292 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,600 and doesn't actually mean you've done anything wrong. 293 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,320 It just feels wrong because you're breaking a pattern. 294 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:38,120 And my love, it is so worth it. You will start seeing and 295 00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,600 feeling the payoff right away. So even if there's a Little Mix 296 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,640 of guilt in there, which again, is completely normal, you're 297 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,760 going to feel relief. You're going to feel in 298 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,240 integrity. You're going to feel aligned 299 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:53,960 when you're asking yourself what's really best for me. 300 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:59,200 And my favorite question, if fear weren't a factor, what 301 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,400 would I choose? Good things follow. 302 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,160 I had the opportunity to ask these questions of myself 303 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,680 yesterday because as I mentioned, I started dating at 304 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:12,720 the end of last year and it's, you know, the decision making 305 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,560 process in this is definitely changing some patterns in me. 306 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:21,200 So I had this lovely person who I've been on two dates with, but 307 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,760 really didn't feel a spark of attraction, ask for more of my 308 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,360 time. And I was like, do I just go 309 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:32,200 and, you know, explore it even though I really know that I'm 310 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:37,440 not interested in that way? Or am I just upfront about where 311 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,200 I'm at? So when I asked myself, if fear 312 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,880 weren't a factor, what would I choose? 313 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:47,240 It was just very obvious. I would be 100% transparent 314 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,200 about where I'm at and I would say, hey, I see this as a 315 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,560 potential friendship if that's something you want to explore. 316 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,440 Let me know your thoughts. And he came back and was like, 317 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:01,160 yeah, I'm looking to date. And so best of luck. 318 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,880 And it was so simple and so clean. 319 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,720 I did feel a little guilty 'cause I'm like, oh, I care 320 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,240 about this person. I don't want to hurt their 321 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,200 feelings. But the kindest thing that we 322 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:17,560 can do when we know what is best for us is to give our decision 323 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:22,240 without apology. Simple plus clear equals kind. 324 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:26,440 Simple and clear equals kind. You don't have to give any 325 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,200 reasons. In fact, I suggest that you 326 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,920 don't. Again, simple and clear. 327 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,160 So we don't want to justify. We don't want to argue, defend, 328 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,360 or explain. And this will be uncomfortable 329 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,720 too, because we've been led to believe that we have to have a 330 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,680 really good reason if we're not meeting somebody else's request 331 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,240 or if we're not blindly accepting that first thought 332 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:50,320 that our brain offered us. But what we're doing here is 333 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:55,920 putting integrity over comfort. Never worry about passing on 334 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,840 anything. Your no is sacred. 335 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:05,360 It is a net gain every single time because being without what 336 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:09,720 doesn't fit makes more room in your life for what does. 337 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,400 And I promise you, the people that are in your life that don't 338 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,480 fit, it doesn't feel good for them either. 339 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,560 Even if they don't know consciously, they know on some 340 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,640 level that it's just it's not a match, it's not a fit. 341 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,240 And we don't want to wait for them to figure that out. 342 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,160 We want to go first. We want to lead. 343 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:31,080 So integrity doesn't actually live in your yes or your no. 344 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,760 It's not the content of the decision that you make. 345 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:39,720 Integrity lives in the pause and in you congruently making a 346 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,720 decision for yourself and then sharing that simply. 347 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,200 And Speaking of simple, I promised you a little something, 348 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,040 a little special something. So this is gonna help take the 349 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,360 pressure off of you needing to give an immediate answer. 350 00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:54,640 You do not for most things need to give an immediate answer. 351 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,720 And even for the things that feel like incredibly urgent, you 352 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,800 can take 30 seconds or 90 seconds or 5 minutes or 10 353 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:05,760 minutes, right? This is the neutral response. 354 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,240 I have a list of neutral responses that are so fucking 355 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:13,600 genius that I give to my clients and I would love to give it to 356 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,200 you. So to get that list of neutral 357 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,960 responses, which is going to be your secret weapon here for 358 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,160 finding your integrity over your comfort and being committed more 359 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,440 to that than to playing out the old patterns. 360 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:30,360 You can message me on Instagram. You can message me on Facebook 361 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:36,680 at Effie Levor, or just e-mail me effie@effielevor.com and I'll 362 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:40,120 send it right over. You can put neutral responses in 363 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,600 the subject line or just say, hey, what's up, Knock me. 364 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,720 Those neutral responses. I need them by Ed and I'll get 365 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,200 them on over to you. All right, thank you for being 366 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,600 here. I loved it every second. 367 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:57,040 I just cherish this time. I love doing the podcast, it has 368 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,480 been quite an adventure for me and it's not going to stop. 369 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:05,240 So I will be releasing episodes every Thursday from now on. 370 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,680 You can count on it. I will see you here next week 371 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:12,080 Thursday or maybe totally a different day if you're on the 372 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,160 other side of the world. Anyway, you can figure it out. 373 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,040 I will see you then and in the meantime, hope you have a 374 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:19,760 beautiful week. Bye. 375 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,080 If you're ready to do the work to move forward on what you want 376 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:28,080 and actually get it, I can help you. 377 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,600 I'm offering my podcast listeners a free consultation 378 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,520 with me to talk about what coaching can do for you this 379 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,560 year. Just visit effielevore.com to 380 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:38,200 get started.