I'm Effie a life. Coach who?
Profoundly gives a fuck about you.
Feeling better for good? I teach people how to.
Cut the crap and live according to their own rules.
It's a crime we don't. Learn this stuff in.
School, but it's simpler. Than you think to break the
pattern and start living the life you want.
Listen on to find out how. Hey Queenie, welcome to Feel
Better for Good episode 97. Today we're doing something
special, something different for Relationship Month 'cause I
realized that even though I've done a lot of podcasts on
relationship and improving your relationships and your thoughts,
your feelings, your beliefs, your attitudes around
relationships, and then how you actually show up in
relationship, that I've never done an episode specifically
geared toward. Dating.
I have clients who date, I coach a lot of women on dating.
So this is an oversight on my part and I wanted to speak to
what it looks like to date without losing yourself.
But even if you're not dating, even if you are happily single
or in a romantic partnership or partnerships right now, please
do listen because this is just as applicable to relationships.
So how to do relationship without losing yourself?
This is just geared specifically toward dating, toward the
experience of getting to know new people, having first dates,
and managing your thoughts and your feelings around all.
Of that. The reason that it's coming up
now, besides it being relationship month, is because I
am dating. I'm on my own dating adventure
and so it feels particularly prescient.
I'm putting myself through the dating plan that I have used
with other women and really putting it to the test.
I realized that like OK, I've never done this dating plan
myself cause I've always been in a relationship or intentionally
single. So this is my opportunity and
I'm really really glad to be doing it this way.
It's such an intentional way of dating.
It is a phenomenal experience and I wanted to share a.
Little bit of. That on the podcast so I'm gonna
be putting this audio of a social media post that I did
recently video I'm gonna put it raw and uncut right here so that
you can get the. Benefit of it on the podcast.
And then I also wanted to, and this is part of Relationship
Revolution, which is a new course that I'm doing inside of
my Feel Better for Good group. If you're interested in the Feel
Better for Good group, this is a six month group coaching program
to change one to three areas of your life radically to improve
them, to improve your results, your experience and the way that
you show up in these one to three areas.
So it can be career, it can be relationship, well, any type of
relationship, your relationship with your partner.
It can be a dating experience, it can be your physical health,
your mental and emotional health.
It can be money changing your relationship with money, really
anything. You name it.
You get to pick one to three goals to focus on in these six
months. And I'm going to teach you how
to coach yourself. I'm going to teach you self
hypnosis tools that will change your unconscious attitudes and
habits. That is some of the most
exciting and powerful work that we do in this program.
And I'll take you through my 5 pillars to freedom to create new
results in your life anytime you wish, far beyond the six months.
It's a remarkable program. If you have any questions, you
can always e-mail me effie@effielevore.com or find me
on Instagram or Facebook. I'm at.
Effie Levore. But in the meantime, I wanted to
take this opportunity to kind of secretly announce that since I
started my dating journey a few months back, I have been
recording behind the scenes footage, recording audio as well
of my experience, the challenges I'm going through, the
difficulties, the wins, the exciting parts, you know,
getting ready for dates, coming right off dates, letting other
people down, coping with being let down.
And I just feel like this group is going to OK.
So I didn't announce what I'm actually doing with the footage.
I created a private Facebook group for women who are either
dating or looking to date in the future, not too distant future,
who want inspiration and to not feel alone in the process.
This isn't a coaching group so I'm not coaching you.
This is a free private community for women who want to up level
their experience in dating. You can see how I'm doing it and
hopefully get a huge benefit out of it.
It's by invitation only, so if you want in on that group,
message me and I will. Get you in all right.
Let's get on with it. This is dating.
Without losing yourself. I was on a date yesterday with
somebody new for lunch and they asked me what my experience has
been on the app and I said I've had a great experience.
I like, I have not had a bad experience and they said wow,
that's really refreshing to hear from a woman apparently when
they have this. Conversation with.
With other women, you know, frequently there's a.
A litany of. Complaints which one made me
wonder why they were asking, but two was completely unsurprising
because. There are so many thoughts that.
Are spread around and shared as if they're fundamental fact
about how terrible it is. Dating in LA or I mean fill in
the. City.
It doesn't even matter that it's LA, it's just it's so hard to
date in the city and there's no good men out there.
There's no good. I don't know.
I don't hear men say there's no good women out there there.
There's other complaints but I am not interested in Co opting
those thoughts. It's not something that is
useful or helpful for me to do. There are 1,000,000 and
1,000,000 and. Millions of people in the city.
No fucking way they can all. Be bad and wrong.
For me, there's just, it's statistically impossible.
So I've been going in to my dating experiences very open to
truly getting to know the person that I'm with and I wouldn't
match with them. I wouldn't be open to even
having a conversation, spending time with them if I didn't think
that there was something special there, if I didn't think that
they were special in some way. And I'm just interested in
learning about what, what makes them special.
I can't do that if I am, you know, judging them, if I'm
looking for reasons to separate myself from them, if I'm in
fear, if I'm in premature analysis, I just have to show up
and be open to the person. So I went on to say that and,
and again, they were like, oh, that's that's really refreshing.
And I said, yeah, it's not that I haven't had, I haven't had
ouchies, you know, I haven't had disappointments.
And what I didn't tell them was I have been ghosted.
I have been, you know, I have gotten my hopes up with somebody
and then they went away or I mean, pretty much it's been, you
know, a ghosting experiences and I have had dates that weren't
like knock your socks off. It was like, oh, that that was a
cool experience. OK, nice person.
Know that I'll never see them again and there's just not.
There just wasn't enough there I think to warrant a second date.
But for the most part it's just been lovely people.
Whether it's a match or not almost doesn't matter.
Meaning whether it's a fit to continue having experiences with
them, it it just doesn't matter. I have decided that it's
impossible for me to waste my time because regardless of the
interaction, I'm going to learn something about myself every
single time and I'm going to bring myself fully to every
single experience. The reason it feels safe to do
that is because I know I know where I belong.
At the end of the day, I know who I belong to and that's
myself. So I'm going in with so much
self trust that if, if you know, I, I have a lot of hope and the
connection doesn't work out or the experience isn't what I
expected it to be, I can, I can handle that.
I can allow myself to be, to be disappointed.
I can allow my heart to hurt and it has in some situations and I
don't regret a thing. So we we continue talking about
how in love and in just having the opportunity to find love and
to fall in love and to get to know new people like you.
Want to hurt you? Want to?
Hurt. Because if there isn't hurt
involved, there wasn't any real risk involved.
And if there wasn't any real risk involved, you didn't really
put yourself out there. So I'm in a place where I just
can't afford to not be transparent and open and honest
about who I am because I want to be loved for that person.
I'm no longer interested in hiding myself.
And so to do that, I have to be willing to take the risk.
I have to be vulnerable. I have to put myself out there
in a way that's uncomfortable sometimes and exposes me to.
Heartache and. Disappointment and rejection,
ultimately, I don't think it's ever personal, you know, when
somebody decides what's right for them and it's not me or vice
versa, It's, it's not about their value or their worth or my
value or my worth. It's, it just wasn't a fit, you
know, So I feel so solid in the way that I am doing this.
And I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of hurting.
It's such a liberating place to be, especially because in my
past, my past life, my past experiences, I was very much
interested in casting blame and feeling like, if not actively
being the victim, believing that if a relationship didn't work
out or a disappointment and, you know, an expectation was dashed
that it was the other person doing something to me or
intending to hurt me or harm me. And that's just not who I want
to be. That's not how I want to live.
So even if somebody were to intend to hurt me, I don't have
to take it as that. And I can allow space for my
authentic hurt, my genuine disappointment, without making
it mean anything about me or even about them or the
experience, the process that I'm going through.
You know, I'm doing this voluntarily.
Nobody is putting a gun to my head telling me that I have to
go out there and date. I'm doing this for fun and for
free and to fall in love and damn is it if it isn't going
great. So that's how I choose to
approach this. As the arbiter of my own
experience, as the director of my own own experience.
Nobody else gets to decide that for me.
And with that, without thinking, I'm I just, I'm unstoppable.
So Ioffer that to you. Tonight.
What would it look like if you were to not only be open to
hurt, but to invite it as a natural and normal by product,
occasional side effect of this wonderful thing that you're
doing, which is putting your heart on the line?
What if that was the best possible news ever when you got
hurt because it meant that you actually risked something.
It meant that you took a chance and that you believed that more
was possible for you. And by the way, just because you
did get hurt once or twice or how many times it might be,
doesn't mean the next time you put yourself out there won't be
the time that you meet the love of your life.
Have a wonderful rest of your day.
If you're ready to do the work to move forward on what you want
and actually get it, I can help you.
I'm offering my podcast listeners a free consultation
with me to talk about what coaching can do for you.
This year. Just visit effielavor.com.
To get started.