I'm Effie a life. Coach who?
Profoundly gives a fuck about you feeling better for good.
I teach people how to cut the crap and live according to their
own rules. It's a crime we don't learn this
stuff in school. But it's simpler than you think.
To break the pattern and start. Living the life you want.
Listen on to find out how. Hi there, Welcome to episode 96
of Feel Better for Good. That's exactly what we're doing
here, Feeling Better for Good. One decision, one day, one
moment at a time. I'm so excited for what I have
to share with you today. This is a special episode, but
before. We launch in.
I want to make just a couple of announcements.
The 1st and most exciting thing is that the doors to my 6 month
group coaching program, Feel Better For Good, are opening on
February 13th. So if you're listening to this
in real time, the doors are officially open.
It is available by invitation only, so you need to schedule a
consult with me to make sure you're right for the program.
You can do that at Effie lavore.com.
This is a 30 minute private conversation where we look at
your life and where you want to be in six months time.
Six months is the sweet spot for my students in this program.
You will be amazed what's possible for us to create
together in. That amount of time, so I'm
going. To unpack exactly how we'll get
you there and make sure that this program is a fit for you, I
am kicking off the launch of Feel Better for Good with my
brand new master class. It's called How to Break the
Love Curse. It's happening tomorrow,
February 13th. Again, if you're listening to
this in real time, we are meeting on Friday the 13th and
we're breaking the love curse, y'all.
I'm gonna show you exactly what's been holding you back
from having better relationships in your life.
And this is not just romantic relationships, although that is
in the air obviously the day before Valentine's Day, but this
is for relationships across the board.
So if you've been struggling in professional relationships,
relationships with family or friends, or of course, a
romantic partner, or maybe you don't have a romantic partner
but you want one, this is for you.
In this hour long master class, you will learn the five most
common mistakes women make in love.
I promise you're going to see yourself and at least a few of
them. Then we're going to look at what
most people think the problem is and what the actual problem is.
And then the three vital steps, the only three steps you need to
take to upgrade your relationship operating system,
which changes everything. And then I'm going to share with
you my most demanded, most highly effective tool that you
can use immediately to start feeling better for good and any
relationship you want, whether it's a relationship you're
currently in and working on improving or a new relationship
that you want to create. And we're talking 10 of tens
9:50. That's what we're going for
here. I am so excited to help you get
there. To sign up for the master class,
all you need to do is go to effielavore.com, click the
button that says Register for Breaking the Love Curse, and
everyone who attends that master class will get a special invite
directly into Feel Better for Good.
So if you can make it, I highly recommend it.
It's going to give you everything you need to get
started right away and know whether this program is a fit
for you. And Speaking of, feel better for
Good is a group coaching container that I created for
life transformation across the board.
So whether you are dealing with burnout at work or you are
navigating a difficult transition in your life, whether
you're wanting to save your marriage or your relationship or
create a new relationship, whether you are wanting to
reform your health, your physical and or mental emotional
health, which includes body image, I got you in this
program. But for this, this month, we are
focused on relationships. You can work on your
relationship for the entirety of the course.
But when you Join Now, you will be getting access to my brand
new relationship course within the program.
It's called relationship Revolution and it is going to
revolutionize the way you experience relationship, the way
you show up in relationship and the results that you get can
actually. Change the responses.
Of your partners in relationship.
It's incredibly powerful work. I wanted to share an excerpt
from the very first lesson of relationship revolution.
And so that's what I'm sharing with you today on the podcast is
a snippet of that lesson, really to get you started and to whet
your appetite for this work. I hope it is incredibly helpful.
I know it's going to be valuable for you, so I will see you on
the other side. Enjoy.
So when we're talking about relationships, what we're
talking about really is love. And we typically think of love
as being romantic or familial maybe, or friendly.
And certainly we have love bonds with the people closest to us.
But even if it's platonic or you know a professional relationship
or a stranger you just met, the more secure you.
Are. The easier it is to bond to that
person, even if just for a moment, and the more oxytocin is
released in your system when you interact with that person or
think of them. And to prove it right now, I
want you to call to mind someone in your life that you love
dearly, OK? And that things have been going
really well with lately. Hold their image in your mind.
Maybe it's their face or their voice or the way that they look
at you. Maybe it's a text that they sent
you. Maybe it's them holding you or
vice versa. I just want you to feel what
it's like in your body and if you want to soft focus your eyes
or close your eyes, you're welcome to.
It doesn't have to be that, you can do it in a much simpler way,
but feel what it's like in your body to receive the goodness of
that love relationship and identify, if you can, where it
is. Where's the location of the
sensation, What's the quality, the texture of this feeling in
your body? And as you put your awareness on
it, notice if it expands, if it shifts or changes at all.
Just notice and take it in and marinate in this feeling.
That's right. So now I want you to think of a
work colleague, maybe a mentor or a superior or someone that
you've worked with at some point, even if they're not in
your life right now or in your life in the same capacity as
they used to be. And I want you to see their face
or hear their words, interested in you, encouraging you, taking
the time and space to know you and let it feel so good to be
known and to know them as well. Because this interest in
kindness and generosity is something you give to them too,
whether you realize it or not. Even if they're in some sort of
authority position. And notice what this is like in
your body, the location, the texture, the quality of this
sensation. And now we're going to take an
animal now, an animal, most likely a pet, a pet or some
animal that you've loved in your life.
Even if they're not present in your life now, if they're not
presently with you, I want you to see their little face, feel
their warmth, their fur or feathers or whatever it might be
against your skin, and see the way they look at you.
And they may be naughty in certain ways, but you can't ever
be mad at them long because. They're just so.
Perfectly themselves. And I want you to let this
feeling in, let it flood into your system.
Just notice exactly what this feels like.
And now I want you to think of an interaction you had with
someone you didn't know, someone you met out in the world, most
likely randomly, and you just easily connected to them in a
moment. So whatever comes up when I say
that. And for a short time, you shared
something magical with this person.
Maybe it was a laugh or a story or even just a wink, an
unexpected exchange that delighted and surprised you.
And I want you to let that in, that feeling of wow, what a
lovely experience and what a lovely person.
Without any. Regard of whether you'd ever see
them again, I want you to just bask in appreciation for that
beautiful, simple, pure interaction.
And I know you're totally love bombed now, but when you can, I
want you to come back in, maybe shake a little bit.
And what did you notice between those 4 experiences?
Interesting, right? Because it's different flavors
of the same. Treat.
So in this lesson we're going to be establishing an anti colonial
view of love. So this is where we reprogram
the premise of love and the definition of love and the
practice of love inside of our very DNA.
And I really wanted to prime you with that.
So hopefully you're very open to this in a different way.
We have so many hopes and desires around our
relationships, what we want them to be, what we've been told they
should be, how our parental relationship should have met all
of our needs and they didn't, and that core wound and how our
romantic relationships should make us happy, right?
But then they go awry and our friendships, at least our
friendship, should be warm and mutual and understanding.
And that's not the case either. Some of them judge us and stab
us on the back and leave without explanation.
And there's just so much that we put on love and our
relationship, so much we're thinking that we need to get
from love, that it's no wonder we have trouble creating and
maintaining our bonds. Because the premise is fucked.
Like when we're focused on what we're getting or not getting,
there's very little room for real appreciation and communion
and collaboration. It's really easy to feel love
when things are going well, which is why we started with
that relationship where, you know, things have been going
well. But but we're going to be using
that feeling and really transcribing it out into any
area of your life, any relationship that you ever want
to. And I want to start with just a
few definitions of love that I found.
So these are the these are the textbook definitions.
And then we're going to be expanding outward.
So the simplest definition of love that I found is a great
interest or pleasure or to like or enjoy very much.
And according to that definition, it makes sense why
so many of us have confused love with approval and pleasure and
even obsession because it if there's great interest or
pleasure or means we like it or enjoy it very much.
It's like we want more of that. It appeals to our base survival
brain that wants to minimize pain and amplify pleasure pretty
much at all costs. Another definition I found is a
deep affection towards someone which we've all experienced and
feels like something that's out of our control.
Like this affection just happens like to you, right?
And it's more likely to happen when the other person is
behaving. In other words, they're being
attentive and responsive and doing things that we would
prefer them to be doing. Hence the first definition,
bringing more pleasure into our lives, more enjoyment, and that
we like it, we like what's happening.
Another definition I found of love is selfless service.
So a loss of ego or concern for one's own needs in service to
the other person, which can feel really good.
We've all had that experience too.
But for those of us that are people pleasers or recovering
people pleasers, this can be a dangerous definition.
It's going to be a danger zone. Selfless service is a beautiful
thing, but when it comes at the expense of you taking care of
yourself, it becomes a liability.
And then finally, transcendent love is a love that supports,
uplifts, and encourages the blossoming of each other's
potential, which is gorgeous and amazing because it's a beautiful
thing, right? But that can be misleading if we
think it's the other person's job to uplift us so that we can
realize our potential, or it's our job to help them because we
can have wildly different ideas of what potential looks like,
and we may actually be acting in service to what we'd like for
them. What would be most convenient
for us? Rather than what?
They actually want for themselves, like, let me help
you live up to your potential as I see it.
So you see how that can get tricky.
When we switch into colonizer mode, stuff gets sticky real
fast and it's no longer transcendent.
It's territorial and transactional, of course,
without intending to be. So we have the best of
intentions when we're coming from this place.
So anytime your love, meaning your ability to access love in
your body the way we did a few minutes ago, is dependent on
another person's behavior and what they do or don't do, you're
in trouble. You will never be satisfied
inside the relationship as long as your good feelings and your
affection are dictated by their compliance.
That is the definition of conditional love, and it's what
unfortunately most of us learned love is, is it's power and
control or related to power and control.
And that's the colonial view of love, which is deeply
narcissistic. So as long as I have dominion
over you or feel like I have dominion over you and you are
meeting my needs. Meaning you're acting in a way
that's comfortable for me. That I can feel positively about
you and positively about our relationship.
And if I want to give you affection and attention and love
when it serves me to do so. And I know this can be hard to
hear, but besides the obvious, This is why this is so toxic.
Because when you are bought into the premise that your lover, and
when I say lover I, I don't necessarily mean romantic love.
I mean anyone you love, anyone you share love with, even for a
moment. And we're going to be talking
about that more in a minute. But when you're operating under
the premise that your lover must perform for your love, the
opposite has to be true. It can't just go one way.
So if you're always looking to your lovers to please.
You. In order for you to feel love,
that feeling that we all bathed in a minute ago.
You will. Always be on some level thinking
that you have to behave in a way that's pleasing to them in order
to win their love. It's a wicked game and it's
informed by colonial thinking and this deep misunderstanding
of the nature of love and the opportunity that we have to
practice relationship as cleanly and purely as possible, which is
as equals, as sovereign individuals choosing to love and
be loved freely as that puts the experience of love within your
power at all times, regardless of the circumstances, regardless
of the circumstances, how the other person is behaving.
You can choose to feel love even when you're disappointed and
even when they're disappointed in you, because that's no longer
the fucking point to win approval or win their love or be
dependent in any other way on them to feel that feeling that
you want to feel. So how do we heal from this lie?
From the lie that love is scarce and it must be demanded and won
on some level, even if it's a very subtle level?
Well, it's, it's going to take a lifetime and lifetimes, but it
is urgent. I feel so strongly about this.
It is urgent that we change our mind around love so that we can
radically improve our experience of relationship and relating to
others, to ourselves and to the world.
So what I want to offer you, and I think it'd be interesting if
you want to do some writing on this and explore what you
genuinely would like your love definition to be.
But for now, what I want to offer you is a definition or a
way of thinking of it that I think could be really helpful.
So I want you to conceive of love as an offering, freely
given and freely received. You can also think of love as a
presence and a practice. It's not a performance, it's a
presence. It's something I'm available for
and to anytime I wish, under any circumstances, good or bad,
positive or negative, favorable or unfavorable.
Love is always here, always within reach, within my power.
I cannot be separated from it. It is within me and all around
me. It is me and I bring the love
everywhere I go. And there's a quote that I adore
from Thomas Merton that captures this anti colonial, anti
narcissistic, anti scarcity perspective of love.
Thomas Merton said the beginning of love is to let those we love
be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own
image. Otherwise we love only the
reflection of ourselves we find in them.
So this week I want you to practice the beginning of love.
And our starting point is to create sufficiency in your body
around love and relationships. So your assignment between now
and the next lesson is to mine the love in your life.
So we're going to be putting on our love hard.
Hats. And I want you to be a miner as
you go about your day mining for love experiences, really be
available to finding evidence of it everywhere.
Because most of us, the way we were trained by our caregivers
and societal programming is to not know the difference between
the channel and the source. And This is why we struggle so
much when relationships end or change.
We think the other person is the source of love for us when
really they were only ever a channel.
And naturally, if we think the source of our love.
Has been cut off or is being cut off.
It sends us into a tailspin of fear and anxiety and all sorts
of opportunity for bad behavior and ultimately self harming
action. So the practice is to tap into
the source of love through as many channels as possible.
Become aware of the channels that are currently open to you
for love. So these are obvious ones like
your family and your spouse or your friends.
And then I also want you to notice the infinite number of
additional channels available to you that you haven't been
recognizing or appreciating. So we want the loving witness to
be your constant companion. And there's two concepts I want
to give you that I think could be really.
Helpful. Here 1 is a concept from
polyamory that I kind of referred to earlier, and that is
this idea that everyone that you give and share love with in your
life is a lover. We tend to use that just in
terms of romantic love, but if we expand that out to anyone I
have an experience of love with, is a lover, can be a lover.
I could say that my friends are my lovers, that my family, my
family members are lovers, that my children are each lovers,
that my dog is my lover, my Pettimore.
I call my dog my Pettimore sometimes that I have.
I have all of these different kinds.
Of love these. Different channels of love
available to me and it makes me feel so abundant to label them
all as lovers in some respects. So I give that to you.
And then the second one I want to give you is from Native
American thinking. Native Americans, or at least
some some tribes, see everything as a friend.
Not just living things, not just animals, but streams and
mountains and inanimate objects like cars and rocks and
everything, because it came from source is a friend.
And they think of it as a friend and might even talk to them as
friends. And so in that way, they're
never ever alone. Like aloneness is a complete
delusion. It's irrelevant.
So I want you to be consciously exercising your right to
experience love and abundance in relationship every day
throughout your day by practicing the presence,
practicing the presence of love right here and now.
Got it? Go.
If you're ready to do the work to move forward on what you want
and actually get it. I can help.
You I'm offering my podcast listeners a free consultation
with me. To talk about what coaching can
do. For you this.
Year. Just visit effielavor.com to get
started.