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I'm Effie a life. 
Coach who? 

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Profoundly gives a fuck about 
you feeling better for good. 

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I teach people how to cut the 
crap and live according to their

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own rules. 
It's a crime we don't learn this

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stuff in school. 
But it's simpler than you think.

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To break the pattern and start. 
Living the life you want. 

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Listen on to find out how. 
Hi there, Welcome to episode 96 

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of Feel Better for Good. 
That's exactly what we're doing 

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here, Feeling Better for Good. 
One decision, one day, one 

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moment at a time. 
I'm so excited for what I have 

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to share with you today. 
This is a special episode, but 

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before. 
We launch in. 

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I want to make just a couple of 
announcements. 

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The 1st and most exciting thing 
is that the doors to my 6 month 

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group coaching program, Feel 
Better For Good, are opening on 

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February 13th. 
So if you're listening to this 

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in real time, the doors are 
officially open. 

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It is available by invitation 
only, so you need to schedule a 

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consult with me to make sure 
you're right for the program. 

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You can do that at Effie 
lavore.com. 

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This is a 30 minute private 
conversation where we look at 

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your life and where you want to 
be in six months time. 

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Six months is the sweet spot for
my students in this program. 

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You will be amazed what's 
possible for us to create 

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together in. 
That amount of time, so I'm 

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going. 
To unpack exactly how we'll get 

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you there and make sure that 
this program is a fit for you, I

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am kicking off the launch of 
Feel Better for Good with my 

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brand new master class. 
It's called How to Break the 

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Love Curse. 
It's happening tomorrow, 

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February 13th. 
Again, if you're listening to 

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this in real time, we are 
meeting on Friday the 13th and 

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we're breaking the love curse, 
y'all. 

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I'm gonna show you exactly 
what's been holding you back 

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from having better relationships
in your life. 

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And this is not just romantic 
relationships, although that is 

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in the air obviously the day 
before Valentine's Day, but this

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is for relationships across the 
board. 

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So if you've been struggling in 
professional relationships, 

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relationships with family or 
friends, or of course, a 

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romantic partner, or maybe you 
don't have a romantic partner 

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but you want one, this is for 
you. 

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In this hour long master class, 
you will learn the five most 

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common mistakes women make in 
love. 

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I promise you're going to see 
yourself and at least a few of 

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them. 
Then we're going to look at what

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most people think the problem is
and what the actual problem is. 

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And then the three vital steps, 
the only three steps you need to

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take to upgrade your 
relationship operating system, 

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which changes everything. 
And then I'm going to share with

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you my most demanded, most 
highly effective tool that you 

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can use immediately to start 
feeling better for good and any 

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relationship you want, whether 
it's a relationship you're 

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currently in and working on 
improving or a new relationship 

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that you want to create. 
And we're talking 10 of tens 

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9:50. 
That's what we're going for 

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here. 
I am so excited to help you get 

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there. 
To sign up for the master class,

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all you need to do is go to 
effielavore.com, click the 

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button that says Register for 
Breaking the Love Curse, and 

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everyone who attends that master
class will get a special invite 

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directly into Feel Better for 
Good. 

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So if you can make it, I highly 
recommend it. 

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It's going to give you 
everything you need to get 

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started right away and know 
whether this program is a fit 

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for you. 
And Speaking of, feel better for

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Good is a group coaching 
container that I created for 

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life transformation across the 
board. 

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So whether you are dealing with 
burnout at work or you are 

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navigating a difficult 
transition in your life, whether

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you're wanting to save your 
marriage or your relationship or

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create a new relationship, 
whether you are wanting to 

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reform your health, your 
physical and or mental emotional

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health, which includes body 
image, I got you in this 

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program. 
But for this, this month, we are

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focused on relationships. 
You can work on your 

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relationship for the entirety of
the course. 

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But when you Join Now, you will 
be getting access to my brand 

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new relationship course within 
the program. 

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It's called relationship 
Revolution and it is going to 

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revolutionize the way you 
experience relationship, the way

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you show up in relationship and 
the results that you get can 

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actually. 
Change the responses. 

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Of your partners in 
relationship. 

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It's incredibly powerful work. 
I wanted to share an excerpt 

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from the very first lesson of 
relationship revolution. 

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And so that's what I'm sharing 
with you today on the podcast is

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a snippet of that lesson, really
to get you started and to whet 

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your appetite for this work. 
I hope it is incredibly helpful.

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I know it's going to be valuable
for you, so I will see you on 

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the other side. 
Enjoy. 

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So when we're talking about 
relationships, what we're 

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talking about really is love. 
And we typically think of love 

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as being romantic or familial 
maybe, or friendly. 

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And certainly we have love bonds
with the people closest to us. 

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But even if it's platonic or you
know a professional relationship

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or a stranger you just met, the 
more secure you. 

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Are. 
The easier it is to bond to that

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person, even if just for a 
moment, and the more oxytocin is

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released in your system when you
interact with that person or 

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think of them. 
And to prove it right now, I 

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want you to call to mind someone
in your life that you love 

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dearly, OK? 
And that things have been going 

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really well with lately. 
Hold their image in your mind. 

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Maybe it's their face or their 
voice or the way that they look 

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at you. 
Maybe it's a text that they sent

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you. 
Maybe it's them holding you or 

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vice versa. 
I just want you to feel what 

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it's like in your body and if 
you want to soft focus your eyes

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or close your eyes, you're 
welcome to. 

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It doesn't have to be that, you 
can do it in a much simpler way,

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but feel what it's like in your 
body to receive the goodness of 

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that love relationship and 
identify, if you can, where it 

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is. 
Where's the location of the 

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sensation, What's the quality, 
the texture of this feeling in 

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your body? 
And as you put your awareness on

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it, notice if it expands, if it 
shifts or changes at all. 

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Just notice and take it in and 
marinate in this feeling. 

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That's right. 
So now I want you to think of a 

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work colleague, maybe a mentor 
or a superior or someone that 

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you've worked with at some 
point, even if they're not in 

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your life right now or in your 
life in the same capacity as 

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they used to be. 
And I want you to see their face

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or hear their words, interested 
in you, encouraging you, taking 

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the time and space to know you 
and let it feel so good to be 

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known and to know them as well. 
Because this interest in 

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kindness and generosity is 
something you give to them too, 

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whether you realize it or not. 
Even if they're in some sort of 

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authority position. 
And notice what this is like in 

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your body, the location, the 
texture, the quality of this 

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sensation. 
And now we're going to take an 

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animal now, an animal, most 
likely a pet, a pet or some 

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animal that you've loved in your
life. 

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Even if they're not present in 
your life now, if they're not 

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presently with you, I want you 
to see their little face, feel 

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their warmth, their fur or 
feathers or whatever it might be

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against your skin, and see the 
way they look at you. 

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And they may be naughty in 
certain ways, but you can't ever

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be mad at them long because. 
They're just so. 

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Perfectly themselves. 
And I want you to let this 

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feeling in, let it flood into 
your system. 

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Just notice exactly what this 
feels like. 

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And now I want you to think of 
an interaction you had with 

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someone you didn't know, someone
you met out in the world, most 

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likely randomly, and you just 
easily connected to them in a 

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moment. 
So whatever comes up when I say 

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that. 
And for a short time, you shared

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something magical with this 
person. 

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Maybe it was a laugh or a story 
or even just a wink, an 

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unexpected exchange that 
delighted and surprised you. 

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And I want you to let that in, 
that feeling of wow, what a 

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lovely experience and what a 
lovely person. 

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Without any. 
Regard of whether you'd ever see

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them again, I want you to just 
bask in appreciation for that 

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beautiful, simple, pure 
interaction. 

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And I know you're totally love 
bombed now, but when you can, I 

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want you to come back in, maybe 
shake a little bit. 

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And what did you notice between 
those 4 experiences? 

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Interesting, right? 
Because it's different flavors 

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of the same. 
Treat. 

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So in this lesson we're going to
be establishing an anti colonial

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view of love. 
So this is where we reprogram 

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the premise of love and the 
definition of love and the 

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practice of love inside of our 
very DNA. 

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And I really wanted to prime you
with that. 

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So hopefully you're very open to
this in a different way. 

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We have so many hopes and 
desires around our 

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relationships, what we want them
to be, what we've been told they

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should be, how our parental 
relationship should have met all

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of our needs and they didn't, 
and that core wound and how our 

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romantic relationships should 
make us happy, right? 

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But then they go awry and our 
friendships, at least our 

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friendship, should be warm and 
mutual and understanding. 

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And that's not the case either. 
Some of them judge us and stab 

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us on the back and leave without
explanation. 

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And there's just so much that we
put on love and our 

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relationship, so much we're 
thinking that we need to get 

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from love, that it's no wonder 
we have trouble creating and 

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maintaining our bonds. 
Because the premise is fucked. 

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Like when we're focused on what 
we're getting or not getting, 

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there's very little room for 
real appreciation and communion 

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and collaboration. 
It's really easy to feel love 

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when things are going well, 
which is why we started with 

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that relationship where, you 
know, things have been going 

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well. 
But but we're going to be using 

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that feeling and really 
transcribing it out into any 

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area of your life, any 
relationship that you ever want 

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to. 
And I want to start with just a 

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few definitions of love that I 
found. 

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So these are the these are the 
textbook definitions. 

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And then we're going to be 
expanding outward. 

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So the simplest definition of 
love that I found is a great 

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interest or pleasure or to like 
or enjoy very much. 

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And according to that 
definition, it makes sense why 

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so many of us have confused love
with approval and pleasure and 

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even obsession because it if 
there's great interest or 

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pleasure or means we like it or 
enjoy it very much. 

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It's like we want more of that. 
It appeals to our base survival 

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brain that wants to minimize 
pain and amplify pleasure pretty

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much at all costs. 
Another definition I found is a 

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deep affection towards someone 
which we've all experienced and 

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feels like something that's out 
of our control. 

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Like this affection just happens
like to you, right? 

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And it's more likely to happen 
when the other person is 

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behaving. 
In other words, they're being 

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attentive and responsive and 
doing things that we would 

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prefer them to be doing. 
Hence the first definition, 

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bringing more pleasure into our 
lives, more enjoyment, and that 

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we like it, we like what's 
happening. 

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Another definition I found of 
love is selfless service. 

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So a loss of ego or concern for 
one's own needs in service to 

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the other person, which can feel
really good. 

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We've all had that experience 
too. 

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But for those of us that are 
people pleasers or recovering 

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people pleasers, this can be a 
dangerous definition. 

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It's going to be a danger zone. 
Selfless service is a beautiful 

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thing, but when it comes at the 
expense of you taking care of 

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yourself, it becomes a 
liability. 

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And then finally, transcendent 
love is a love that supports, 

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uplifts, and encourages the 
blossoming of each other's 

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potential, which is gorgeous and
amazing because it's a beautiful

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thing, right? 
But that can be misleading if we

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think it's the other person's 
job to uplift us so that we can 

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realize our potential, or it's 
our job to help them because we 

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can have wildly different ideas 
of what potential looks like, 

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and we may actually be acting in
service to what we'd like for 

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them. 
What would be most convenient 

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for us? 
Rather than what? 

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They actually want for 
themselves, like, let me help 

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you live up to your potential as
I see it. 

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So you see how that can get 
tricky. 

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When we switch into colonizer 
mode, stuff gets sticky real 

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fast and it's no longer 
transcendent. 

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It's territorial and 
transactional, of course, 

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without intending to be. 
So we have the best of 

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intentions when we're coming 
from this place. 

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So anytime your love, meaning 
your ability to access love in 

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your body the way we did a few 
minutes ago, is dependent on 

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another person's behavior and 
what they do or don't do, you're

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in trouble. 
You will never be satisfied 

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inside the relationship as long 
as your good feelings and your 

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affection are dictated by their 
compliance. 

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That is the definition of 
conditional love, and it's what 

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unfortunately most of us learned
love is, is it's power and 

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control or related to power and 
control. 

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And that's the colonial view of 
love, which is deeply 

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narcissistic. 
So as long as I have dominion 

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over you or feel like I have 
dominion over you and you are 

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meeting my needs. 
Meaning you're acting in a way 

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that's comfortable for me. 
That I can feel positively about

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you and positively about our 
relationship. 

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And if I want to give you 
affection and attention and love

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when it serves me to do so. 
And I know this can be hard to 

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hear, but besides the obvious, 
This is why this is so toxic. 

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Because when you are bought into
the premise that your lover, and

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when I say lover I, I don't 
necessarily mean romantic love. 

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I mean anyone you love, anyone 
you share love with, even for a 

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moment. 
And we're going to be talking 

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about that more in a minute. 
But when you're operating under 

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the premise that your lover must
perform for your love, the 

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opposite has to be true. 
It can't just go one way. 

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So if you're always looking to 
your lovers to please. 

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You. 
In order for you to feel love, 

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that feeling that we all bathed 
in a minute ago. 

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You will. 
Always be on some level thinking

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that you have to behave in a way
that's pleasing to them in order

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to win their love. 
It's a wicked game and it's 

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informed by colonial thinking 
and this deep misunderstanding 

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of the nature of love and the 
opportunity that we have to 

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practice relationship as cleanly
and purely as possible, which is

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as equals, as sovereign 
individuals choosing to love and

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be loved freely as that puts the
experience of love within your 

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power at all times, regardless 
of the circumstances, regardless

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of the circumstances, how the 
other person is behaving. 

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You can choose to feel love even
when you're disappointed and 

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even when they're disappointed 
in you, because that's no longer

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the fucking point to win 
approval or win their love or be

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dependent in any other way on 
them to feel that feeling that 

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you want to feel. 
So how do we heal from this lie?

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From the lie that love is scarce
and it must be demanded and won 

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on some level, even if it's a 
very subtle level? 

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Well, it's, it's going to take a
lifetime and lifetimes, but it 

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is urgent. 
I feel so strongly about this. 

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It is urgent that we change our 
mind around love so that we can 

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radically improve our experience
of relationship and relating to 

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00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,600
others, to ourselves and to the 
world. 

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So what I want to offer you, and
I think it'd be interesting if 

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you want to do some writing on 
this and explore what you 

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genuinely would like your love 
definition to be. 

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But for now, what I want to 
offer you is a definition or a 

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00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,760
way of thinking of it that I 
think could be really helpful. 

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So I want you to conceive of 
love as an offering, freely 

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given and freely received. 
You can also think of love as a 

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presence and a practice. 
It's not a performance, it's a 

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00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:16,960
presence. 
It's something I'm available for

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00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:22,760
and to anytime I wish, under any
circumstances, good or bad, 

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00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,840
positive or negative, favorable 
or unfavorable. 

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00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:31,280
Love is always here, always 
within reach, within my power. 

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00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:38,080
I cannot be separated from it. 
It is within me and all around 

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00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,280
me. 
It is me and I bring the love 

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00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,800
everywhere I go. 
And there's a quote that I adore

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from Thomas Merton that captures
this anti colonial, anti 

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narcissistic, anti scarcity 
perspective of love. 

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Thomas Merton said the beginning
of love is to let those we love 

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be perfectly themselves and not 
to twist them to fit our own 

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00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,600
image. 
Otherwise we love only the 

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00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,080
reflection of ourselves we find 
in them. 

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So this week I want you to 
practice the beginning of love. 

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And our starting point is to 
create sufficiency in your body 

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around love and relationships. 
So your assignment between now 

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00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:28,040
and the next lesson is to mine 
the love in your life. 

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So we're going to be putting on 
our love hard. 

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00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,560
Hats. 
And I want you to be a miner as 

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00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:38,360
you go about your day mining for
love experiences, really be 

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00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,480
available to finding evidence of
it everywhere. 

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Because most of us, the way we 
were trained by our caregivers 

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00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:50,320
and societal programming is to 
not know the difference between 

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the channel and the source. 
And This is why we struggle so 

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00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,040
much when relationships end or 
change. 

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00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:02,240
We think the other person is the
source of love for us when 

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00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,440
really they were only ever a 
channel. 

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And naturally, if we think the 
source of our love. 

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00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,440
Has been cut off or is being cut
off. 

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00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,640
It sends us into a tailspin of 
fear and anxiety and all sorts 

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00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,680
of opportunity for bad behavior 
and ultimately self harming 

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00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,280
action. 
So the practice is to tap into 

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the source of love through as 
many channels as possible. 

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00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,360
Become aware of the channels 
that are currently open to you 

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00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,440
for love. 
So these are obvious ones like 

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00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:35,080
your family and your spouse or 
your friends. 

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And then I also want you to 
notice the infinite number of 

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00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,560
additional channels available to
you that you haven't been 

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00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:47,000
recognizing or appreciating. 
So we want the loving witness to

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00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:51,600
be your constant companion. 
And there's two concepts I want 

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00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:52,720
to give you that I think could 
be really. 

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00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,000
Helpful. 
Here 1 is a concept from 

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00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,440
polyamory that I kind of 
referred to earlier, and that is

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00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:03,400
this idea that everyone that you
give and share love with in your

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00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:08,360
life is a lover. 
We tend to use that just in 

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00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:14,000
terms of romantic love, but if 
we expand that out to anyone I 

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00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,960
have an experience of love with,
is a lover, can be a lover. 

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00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:23,120
I could say that my friends are 
my lovers, that my family, my 

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00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:27,520
family members are lovers, that 
my children are each lovers, 

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00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,520
that my dog is my lover, my 
Pettimore. 

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00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,720
I call my dog my Pettimore 
sometimes that I have. 

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00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,880
I have all of these different 
kinds. 

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00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,000
Of love these. 
Different channels of love 

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00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:42,040
available to me and it makes me 
feel so abundant to label them 

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00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:45,880
all as lovers in some respects. 
So I give that to you. 

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00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,240
And then the second one I want 
to give you is from Native 

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00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:54,440
American thinking. 
Native Americans, or at least 

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00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:58,040
some some tribes, see everything
as a friend. 

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00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:03,960
Not just living things, not just
animals, but streams and 

354
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:09,440
mountains and inanimate objects 
like cars and rocks and 

355
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:13,160
everything, because it came from
source is a friend. 

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00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:18,800
And they think of it as a friend
and might even talk to them as 

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00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,920
friends. 
And so in that way, they're 

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00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:26,280
never ever alone. 
Like aloneness is a complete 

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00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:27,880
delusion. 
It's irrelevant. 

360
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,400
So I want you to be consciously 
exercising your right to 

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00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:36,840
experience love and abundance in
relationship every day 

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00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,600
throughout your day by 
practicing the presence, 

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00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,680
practicing the presence of love 
right here and now. 

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00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,440
Got it? 
Go. 

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00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:54,000
If you're ready to do the work 
to move forward on what you want

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00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,840
and actually get it. 
I can help. 

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00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,520
You I'm offering my podcast 
listeners a free consultation 

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00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,360
with me. 
To talk about what coaching can 

369
00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:03,440
do. 
For you this. 

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00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:06,680
Year. 
Just visit effielavor.com to get

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00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:07,160
started.