I'm Effie, a life coach who profoundly gives a fuck about
you feeling better for good. I teach people how to cut the
crap and live according to their own rules.
It's a crime we don't learn this stuff in school, but it's
simpler than you think to break the pattern and start living the
life you want. Listen on to find out how.
Hi, Queenie. Welcome to Feeling Better for
Good. I'm so glad you're here.
It is Memorial Day. The kids are screaming around
outside. We just finished cooking steak
and I watered the yard and there's somehow the dog got out
and then came back in. And so there's dirty footprints
on the kitchen floor and it's just perfection.
Normally I would record the podcast when I have some space
to myself, either late at night or during my work day in my
office. But this just felt like the
right time to do it. It just felt like there is so
much richness and abundance and joy.
Feel like I'm bursting, which is exactly where I want to be and
where I want to share from. So I have a treat for you today.
I'm going to be sharing with you my recent master class in its
entirety. This is a class that I did just
a couple days ago and it is the most valuable training I have
ever done. I feel like my teaching has
gotten to the point where, especially with this, I really
focused on the essentials. I just absolutely loved creating
and delivering this training and just know that some of the
aspects have a visual aid. I did pull out the white board
for this, but I feel like you're gonna get it, you know, in your
mind's eye. And if you want more detail,
then come to the next training. So enjoy fix what's fucking with
you. I hope that this really gives
you everything you need to be able to move forward today.
Know also that this event was done to open the doors on my
launch for my signature group coaching program.
Feel better for good. You're going to hear about this
in the master class and applications are open right now.
This is a by invitation only program.
Applications will be open through May 31st.
So if you're listening to this in real time and you want more
information or you want to talk to me about whether you're fit
for the program, you can e-mail me effie@effielevore.com.
You can DM me on Instagram or Facebook at Effie Levore and
we'll see if we can get you on the road.
OK, enjoy. And I will see you on the other
side. So let's get started.
We are here and I hope you're ready to fix what's fucking with
you. That is the title of this master
class, and the subtitle is How to Get Grounded, Powerful and
Moving when Life Feels like Quicksand.
So moving not just activity or busyness for busyness sake,
because we're probably all very good at that, but moving in the
direction that you want to move when life feels like quicksand,
when it feels like you're being pulled under.
So if you're here, you are in the right place.
But I do want to go through just a little bit of a, a checklist.
And that's why I suggested you have a pen and paper is 'cause
I'd love for you to give yourself 1 mark for each one of
these experiences that you might be having.
So give yourself a mark if you have felt this say in the last
week. OK, so the women who come to me
typically come for one or more of four base main reasons.
They come because they are really struggling in a
relationship, often their primary relationship or romantic
relationship, or it could be also relationship with a family
member or somebody else who's close in their life.
It could be that they're wanting to create a relationship, But
relationship is one of the number one reasons people come.
Another one is burnout or work, you know, just difficulty around
work and career, including money, creating money,
increasing income. A third one is health.
So that includes physical health, may include things like
weight loss or cutting down drinking, changing their eating
patterns, their fitness patterns, but it also includes
mental and emotional health. That's really one of the primary
things that women come to me for.
And the 4th is navigating some sort of transition in their
life. So this could be menopause, it
could be divorce, it could be getting married, it could be
becoming an empty nester. But these are the four main
reasons that women come to me for support.
And if you relate to any of those or more than one of those,
great. But these are some of the
experiences you might be having as you're attempting to navigate
1 or more of those things and feeling just a little bit fucked
with, which is why you're here, right?
So just give yourself a, a notch on your, on your paper or your
note taker for each one of these that you experience.
OK, so the first is tightness or pressure in the chest.
It's very common body feeling heavy or dragged down.
Sometimes women feel this in the limbs, sometimes they feel it
more in the trunk. Solar plexus.
Feeling clenched or like tension maybe from holding it all
together or some sort of hyper vigilance and all over body
tension. Persistent exhaustion that sleep
and rest doesn't fix. Feeling constant anxiety around
being behind or this kind of constant sense of urgency.
I, I call it like being hunted by your To Do List and then
morning dread. So if you wake up with a sense
of dread, this I kind of think of like morning sickness is it
may have start in the morning, but if you've been pregnant, you
know, morning sickness isn't isolated to the morning.
In fact, I, I had it, you know, pretty much every waking hour,
some of my sleeping hours. So more when I say morning
dread, I mean, OK, we wake up with that feeling, but then we
can't shake it. It doesn't actually, you know,
it either crops up over the course of the day or it's pretty
consistent and stays with us. So some of the things you might
be doing and give yourself a notch for each one of these
repeating patterns on loop. This can be repeating thoughts
in your head, repeating behavioral patterns, habits that
really aren't serving you. One example of this is feeling
like you're having the same conversation over and over,
maybe with your lover, with no resolution.
This is what I call the Twilight Zone effect.
Feeling responsible for everyone and everything and or
disappearing into caretaking. Overwriting your own needs,
constantly trying to earn rest and then feeling guilty for
taking it. Avoiding procrastinating or what
I call buffering with food, booze, Netflix, cleaning.
Really feel fill in the blank. If you feel like you're running
from something and you're getting temporary comfort from
something that actually doesn't make you feel better in the long
run. Or the way I like to think of it
is it. If it makes you feel bad and
good at the same time, give yourself a notch.
Overworking and under earning and I don't just mean
financially but all but emotionally and energetically.
So putting more in than you're getting out, investing more than
you are getting out of a relationship.
For example, shape shifting to avoid conflict.
If you are guilty of this, you know how it feels.
And then swallowing what you really feel and betraying
yourself to keep the peace. All right, so I want you to just
look down at your page or your note taker and just notice how
many notches you made. And we're just going to create a
bubble of safety around that. We're not going to make you
wrong for having those experiences over the past week.
We're just going to let it be. And then what I want you to do
is sit up and shake just a little bit because I know that
was that was a lot to go through.
I went through them because I want you to know that if you're
having any of these experiences, you are absolutely in the right
place. And what we're going to be doing
this hour is getting you relief and specifically relief from
voluntary suffering. So here's what you're going to
be getting in this hour. You're going to be learning
about the three types of stress and how you can actually harness
stress in your life to feel better for good and move toward
a life that works for you instead of you always working so
hard for it. This is one of the most fun
things from for me anyway to talk about because it totally
recontextualizes stress in your life and makes you a better
manager just by knowing about these three different types of
stress. You're also going to learn.
I'm going to teach you the number one tool, my number one
tool for shifting out of suffering and into inspired
action. Then you're going to learn the
thrills, the three skills you need, the only three skills you
need to learn to become unfuck withable.
And I'll I'll tell you what that means a little bit later on.
That does not mean that you don't have human emotion.
It means you're able to manage it and move through it so you
don't get knocked off track nearly as often or maybe even at
all, certainly in the way in the ways that you have been.
We're also going to create a vision for your future.
And at the end, I have a gift for you and an opportunity to
use what you learned today to create permanent change in your
life. OK, so I already mentioned
taking notes is good. So right now I would love for
you to just take a couple of notes.
And I trust that you have these locked up in your head.
But I just want you to take a minute and write down, check in
with your body and your brain, whatever's happening in that
beautiful brain of yours, and ask yourself what's fucking with
you today? Like what's fucking with me
today? And if there's nothing in this
moment, that's OK, You can think about this past week, what's
been nagging at me, what's been following me around, what's been
keeping me up at night. I want you to write it down and
I want specifics if possible. We're going to be coming coming
back to this and I'll do the same.
OK, great. And I want to just share a page
from my book of what was fucking with me a week ago Friday.
So a week ago Friday. So I'm always going to go first
here so that you're not on the spot.
But a week ago Friday, I had a stacked day.
I had several appointments in my day from existing clients as
well as new potential clients. And I was nervous.
I had some nervousness going on. I, I always feel a little bit
nervous, especially when I'm working with some new people.
And I was tempted to feel some overwhelm about my calendar on
that day. I also, between Thursday night
and Friday morning, had made the decision to break it off with
somebody that I was seeing. So I had some sadness, some
grief going on for me. And then I was also entertaining
a little bit of regret because I was like, you know, a little
bit, a little bit bargainy thinking, you know, did I really
have to do that? I really do want this person in
my life. And it's true that when I'm
honest with myself, it's not what I want and they're not able
to give me what I want. But maybe I could put up with it
or maybe I could put up with it for a little bit longer because
they really are quite wonderful. So feeling a little bit of
regret even though the deed was done.
And then later in the day, I had a couple of no shows, so and
they were for the one for follow up and then one for a potential
client. And so I had some disappointment
around that. And then I was also tempted to
go into rejection. So feeling rejected around it.
OK, and we're going to parse those out a little bit, but I, I
just realized that I forgot to introduce myself.
So I'm going to do really quickly here.
If you don't know me, my name is Effie Levore.
I am the toxic stress coach for women.
I am a certified professional life coach and reinvention
specialist. And my primary area of focus,
like what type of coaching I do, is I coach the unconscious mind.
And when people ask me what the hell that means, I tell them
that the work that I do operates largely on non cognitive levels.
So if you're familiar with the type of work that you do in
therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy, which is
amazing and helps a lot of people, my approach really is
different. Because I believe that, well, I
know that because so much of what effects our behavior,
thoughts, feelings, patterns happens below the surface,
outside of our conscious awareness that we need tools
that allow us to affect change on a deeper level faster than
something like CBT can offer. So that's the basis of what I do
is to give you tools that allow you to affect that change very
deeply and permanently in a, in a, in a quick way.
And, and then the work compounds on itself and you get
exponential growth over the course of the coaching
experience. And, and the focus really is on
creating the not just the relief in your present, but the a
completely different relationship with your future so
that you're actually creating a life that lights you up.
And that's intentional rather than, you know, feeling the way
that you have been feeling, which is really, I believe what
mostly we're creating is unintentional suffering.
So Speaking of unintentional suffering, I want to grab my
board. We're going to talk about the
three types of stress. Now, let me make sure I have
myself view on this is my big Mama.
Can you see that? OK, yeah.
OK. So these are this the three
types of stress we're going to be talking about.
So I kind of have like stress under you can see it's kind of
an umbrella. It looks a little bit like a
ghost from Mario Brothers, but this is meant to be an umbrella.
And then we have this three types of stress.
These, these water droplets coming off the, the main
umbrella of stress. And when, when I learned this,
it really blew my mind because I and most of us have been taught
to believe that stress is bad and we're supposed to eliminate
all stress from our lives. And if we have stress that's
bad, we're either wrong for it or there's something wrong with
the way our life is set up. But that's actually not the
case. And they've done a lot of
research on this. So the first type of stress is
what's called U stress, EU stress.
And this is actually positive stress.
This is stress that is helpful to create.
So for example, when I had my full my full calendar last
Friday and it was pushing the edges of, you know, my comfort,
I was like, that's great. When you are an entrepreneur
growing a business, you want to have a full calendar.
That feels like a little bit of a stretch for you if that's, you
know, if it's going to be business building activities,
which it absolutely was. So we can call that eustress is
there's there's like a a positive pressure that's being
applied to grow you into a a new identity or a new way of being
that is actually going to serve you.
So eustress not actually a problem.
We can make it a problem, but I don't recommend it.
The second type of of stress is distress.
I believe you're familiar with that one, but it's not
inherently negative either. Distress is normal when it
occurs in the natural course of events.
So for example, the sadness that I felt around saying goodbye to
my lover, that was distress, but it was natural, it was normal
and we don't think of it in this way.
But what if distress was not something to eliminate, it was
something to actually appreciate about yourself?
For example, if I if I didn't feel sad about having let go of
this person who I cared about, that would mean that I didn't
really care, right? And that I didn't risk loving,
that I wasn't really invested in my dating journey and finding a
partner that that works for me. And that's not who I want to be.
I don't want to be somebody who's like, you know, just
dipping a toe in or, or not that there's anything wrong with
that. I'm not interested in casual
dating. So, so in that context, it's,
it's OK to have distress, you know, especially when it comes
to love. Like we want to be hurt.
What if that was the case? We want to be hurt because that
means we're taking appropriate risks.
So distress not necessarily a bad thing.
Now we can create the stress for ourselves that's unnecessary and
we're going to be talking about that in a minute.
But where it really gets to be a problem is in the third category
of stress, and that is toxic stress.
The toxic stress is prolonged stress that happens over quite a
period of time. It can be days, it can be weeks,
months, sometimes even years. And this happens when we deny
our natural expression of distress or when we we don't
have an understanding of you stress.
And we try to avoid stress that actually ends up creating more
right because we make ourselves wrong for any stress that comes
in. So toxic stress happens when we
judge the stress that we have, the natural stress that we have,
and then try to avoid it or indulge in it.
And in so doing, we end up creating more for ourselves.
So there's this concept I want to talk to you about and any
questions about that, about the three types of stress.
OK, great. That means I'm doing a a fair
job of explaining it. So there's a concept I want to
introduce you to and that is the concept of of clean pain versus
dirty pain. And it goes along with this idea
that some stress can be actually either beneficial or completely
understandable and not undesirable.
It can actually point to the fact that you are you're
engaging in in activities that really mean something to you.
So disappointment is another form of distress that I would
call clean pain. So clean pain, and I'm talking
about emotional pain. Clean pain is any type of pain
that happens as a natural result of you engaging with your life.
So disappointment, sadness, anger is definitely a form of,
of clean pain. Really any of the, the main
emotions that we, that we qualify as negative are actually
just clean pain. And I, I work with my clients.
I have a program for this, but I work with my clients to be able
to process what we call negative emotion, but it's just really
clean pain through the nervous system in a very quick and
efficient way, a way that doesn't ferment it into toxic
stress or what I call dirty pain.
So dirty pain is basically clean paint pain with shame applied.
That's it. So when I was sad right at
having let go of this lover and I told myself I did the wrong
thing by letting go of him and that, you know, like I really
could have and or maybe should have figured it out, figured out
how to be OK with what he had to offer me, that's when I was
starting to veer into dirty pain territory.
And I want you to be able to catch that so that you don't
have to go into unnecessary suffering, so you don't have to
head into a toxic stress cycle. That's really what I help women
with the most is how to break out of toxic stress cycles and
feel better for good. That's what we want.
And we can't feel better sustainably.
We can't feel better for good and actually show up and be
making positive changes in our lives if we are stuck in toxic
stress or dirty pain. So eustress is clean pain,
distress is clean pain almost always, and then toxic stress is
pain that just needs to be cleaned up.
But there are ways, and I'm going to be showing you one of
them, that clean up this kind of stress and purify it into either
distress or even, I mean, aspirationally, you stress
actually appreciating the stress that you have in your life and
reminding yourself that, hey, this is the I opted into this.
How could that be true that I opted into this when I decided
to start dating again as a single mom in December, I knew
that that would come with a certain amount of stress and
that there, I mean, there was going to be some heartache
involved if I was doing it right.
And I said, OK, bring it on. Like, let's go.
I don't want to be afraid of normal stress because it limits
my ability to engage with my life and really enjoy my life.
So hopefully this framework and then understanding the
difference between clean pain and dirty pain helps you see
that it really isn't what happens to us in life.
We really can move anything from this place to this place.
We can move anything from The Dirty pain category into clean
pain. I fully believe that.
So hopefully you see that it's it could be possible that it's
not what happens to us, it's what we make it mean that
matters. So I could make it mean that the
fact that I was feeling pain around my breakup, I could make
that mean that I did the wrong thing, or I could make it mean
that I was I was brave and I did something that was hard, but
that was in my best interest, which was the case.
I trust myself now to make those decisions.
So shame is the great fermenter. It's what takes any of this over
into this cat, this category. And when we unshame, then we can
take our stress and our pain into clean pain territory.
If you know my work at all, you know, I talk about this, this
thing called the shaming witness, which is.
Yeah. I think that I think it could be
helpful to talk about it a little bit.
The shaming witness is something that we learn.
It's actually a habit that we learn over the course of our
lives and a way way of thinking about this that can be really
helpful is that no baby or no child is born into this world
with shame. It's just not, it's not part of
the the normal emotional range. However, we learn shame from our
caregivers, from society at large.
We learn how to experience shame primarily because it's much more
convenient for our caregivers to get certain behaviors out of us
or to to stop certain behaviors if we're feeling shame.
Sadly, it's a great manipulator. So I teach you and, and
hopefully you know you'll see some of this today is I teach
you how to unshame your natural human experience and how to
start witnessing yourself in a different way.
This is incredibly powerful work, the most powerful work,
which is why I do what I do. So I'm excited to share it with
you. So this is my and any questions
about any of this so far? OK.
So this is my number one tool for spotting dirty pain and
cleaning it up. That's the first thing it does.
And then the second thing it does is it helps you recognize
and normalize clean pain. OK, it's called the scene.
This is my scene framework and the way I'd like to introduce it
is that we're all experiencing scenes.
We're all in scenes all the time, mostly unintentionally.
We're creating these scenes for ourselves in the movies of our
lives. And we are, we're, we're putting
in certain inputs and we're creating experiences for
ourself, whether we realize it or not.
And so this is how a scene goes, is every scene starts with a
stimulus. Some people call this a trigger.
I don't because that word is triggering.
So S stands for stimulus. The second part of a of a scene
is the thought. So teeth stands for thought, E
is for emotion, P is the pattern of action.
And then down here, an outcome is created.
That's what comes out of it's the overall experience or the
result of the scene that you created.
And it's really important to see that you are creating this,
whether you're realizing it or not.
Mostly I said unintentionally. I'll, I'll give you a, a scene
from my last Friday, OK, to show you how this is true.
But once we see that we are doing this unintentionally all
the time, we can start to actually take responsibility and
some power over it, start creating what I call intentional
scenes. And it gets really exciting when
we step into that territory. But all I want you to do for now
is have an understanding of this really powerful tool and to
start being open to using it as a tool for self intimacy, for
creating awareness around your unintentional scenes.
So this is an unintentional scene that I had created last
Friday around my no shows, my appointment no shows.
OK, so the stimulus, we don't want to editorialize the
stimulus is simply the moment before you started feeling
shitty. OK?
And it's the thing that was that's the thing that that's
fucking with you. But we want to stated in the
most neutral way possible. So what I wouldn't write there
is these mother fuckers can't show up, right.
I wouldn't put that there because that's an opinion.
That's a that's a commentary on what actually happened.
Instead, I would just put the and we wanted as much as
possible, dial it into a sensory stimulus.
So having to do with sight, sound, you know, touch, taste,
whatever. So the triggering event was no
show for me, but I wanted to dial that into a sensory
stimuli. So so for me, it was the empty
zoom screen. I had an appointment with
somebody and when it was time, the I was staring at myself the
zoom, right. And when that happened, the
thought that I had was they don't value me.
This is an unintentional thought I had.
And I don't know about you, but when I think that thought in my
body feels like garbage, feels real bad.
We want to specify the emotion I, you may be feeling more than
one thing, but we really want to drill it into just one thing for
the purposes of scene work. So for me, it was rejected.
And I think that thought, they don't value me.
I've I feel or I felt in that moment rejected.
And then Pi didn't say what P stood for, did I?
P stands for the pattern of action.
So the thought creates the emotion.
That's the premise. The emotion creates the pattern
of action or fuels the pattern of action.
So when I felt rejected, what I did next is that I believed my
shit talking brain is this, you know, my brain offering me this
thought, Oh, they don't value you.
Is that's the beginning of the shit talk, right?
That's the beginning of the shaming witness.
And when I go into the feeling rejected or or dejected, then
all the sudden I'm much more open to this shitty thought.
I'm like, Oh yeah, they must really, you know, there must be
something wrong with me or I did something that made them not
want to come or whatever it is. And then of course I feel bad
about myself. This is the pattern.
It's funny because sometimes pattern of actions, patterns of
action can be patterns of inaction.
So that was the case here is that I slowed down on work.
So I was feeling discouraged, right?
And then I started to buffer a little bit.
I think I wanted to go eat something, have have some
chocolate. And then the overall experience
that I was creating for myself was to lose esteem, right?
I made it mean because they didn't show up that they didn't
value me and therefore maybe I wasn't valuable.
So I lost esteem and momentum in this period of time when I am
actively building my business. So it wasn't wasn't a
particularly helpful experience for me to create
unintentionally. And that's what I want you to
know about this type of scene. When we call it an unintentional
scene, I really mean it. We're creating these
unconsciously. And This is why coaching at the
unconscious level is so powerful is we want to become aware of
this kind of unconscious pattern and say, oh, that's interesting.
Why would I do that? Well, because the the function
of shame is actually to protect you.
Strangely enough, it's to protect you from the clean pain,
the experience of the clean pain, which can be scary, right?
It can be, it can be scary to experience acute anger or acute
sadness, grief. And so shame comes in and says,
oh, that's fine, we don't have to, you don't have to go there.
We don't have to do that. Let's just go turn on the TV,
right? Or let's just, let's just go do
something else or let's spin out about it and make it mean so
much more 'cause it is avoiding the original feeling.
But then it's creating a lot more complicating feelings.
So hopefully that's clear and the purpose of the scene is not
to not to shame yourself, not to make yourself wrong for creating
it. It's just to see, oh, oh, I see
what I did there. And what I want you to do if you
continue on and use the scene work in your life is to do it
with compassion for yourself as a human being having a, a human
experience. And to know that like once I
once I see this, I can't Unsee it and I can start interrupting
my pattern anywhere I want. Actually, I can start
interrupting it at the thought level.
My brain might offer me this thought, but I can offer it a
different thought that helps me to feel a different way.
I can interrupt it at the emotion level.
I can process the negative emotion and then ask myself,
well, how do I want to feel? Instead?
We're going to be talking about that in a minute.
I can do contrary action, which is actually what I ended up
doing here, which is pretty exciting.
I'm going to share with you. And I can also interrupt it at
the intentionally at the outcome level.
So I can ask, well, what what is the outcome that I want to
create here? And we're going to do an
intentional scene now with the same stimulus.
See what we tend to do is we tend to try and fix at the
stimulus level, which means, OK, I'm just going to avoid having
that empty zoom screen experience again.
So I'm not going to book any more appointments or I'm not
going to go out there. At least unconsciously.
This is what our brains do. I'm not going to go out there
and try to find new clients. In my case, it's, it's too
painful if I end up having this empty screen experience.
But the stimulus is not what creates the scene.
It's not what creates the experience.
The scene is created. Actually, from here down, this
is where we start getting into trouble is when we start
believing our unhelpful thoughts.
We start investing in our unhelpful emotions and engaging
in unhelpful habits or patterns of action and then creating
unhelpful outcomes. OK, so the stimulus isn't the
problem. A lot of people get rid of the
stimulus. They're like, Oh my, I I feel
this rage when my husband doesn't do XY and Z.
And so they get rid of the husband, right?
Which is an option, but you really can do so much more below
the S line to try and change what's not working in your life
without running from it. OK, so here's how I transformed
my experience of this stimulus last week.
Thought, emotion, pattern of action, experience or outcome.
So I saw the empty Zoom screen, which I promise you is not a new
experience, just happens from time to time, more often than I
would like. But I offered my brain a
different thought that I've been practicing.
It's much more neutral thought and it's it's factual and notice
that it's not that different from the other thought.
Not they don't value me, but they didn't value this time.
That makes it. This is an unshaming thought
because that makes it not about me and more about, OK, well, you
know, people don't show up for things that they don't value,
right? So for some reason they didn't
value this time. And that for me created a a
disappointment, a disappointed feeling which is genuine.
It's clean pain. I'm disappointed.
I was planning on spending an hour of my time serving this
person and seeing how I could help them.
And as it turns out, they didn't want the help or they weren't
ready, right? So that's disappointing.
I'm like, oh, I feel actually more sad for them, but I allow
myself to feel disappointed for me as well for the time that I
could have offered somebody else who was actually serious, right
and, and had the intention of being there.
And, and I, I did have compassion for this person that
that wasn't able to be there too.
It was like some people are in so, so much pain that even when
they ask for help, it's really hard for them to show up for
that. So so thank you for being here
and anybody who's watching this in replay for taking.
This hour to really benefit yourself, that's a big deal.
Anyway, I digress. So I felt disappointed.
I let myself feel the disappointment.
And here's the pattern of action because I'm practice with
feeling disappointment now. I used to avoid about like the
plague, which is a difficult thing to do when you're trying
to build a bigger life, but I let myself be disappointed.
And so I was tender with my disappointment.
I let myself have a minute, couple minutes, like, yeah, that
is disappointing. I was tender with this feeling,
did not bypass it. And then I told myself, OK,
well, they didn't value this time, but someone else will.
Just a pretty useful thought and then that thought created some
really helpful creative problem solving energy in my brain.
I was like, Oh yeah, OK, so I thought I was going to spend
this hour with this one person, but they they weren't available
for it. And so how can I offer this time
to someone else? So my.
Problem solving. Am I that creativity that was
spurred by this thought in my my brain?
Which by the way, problem solving can only really happen
on this level when we have processed the emotion that could
block our creativity. So if I wasn't, if I didn't
allow myself to feel disappointed, it's much more
likely that I would have gone into something like.
Rejection or. You know avoidance like in the
previous scene, but because. I was I I.
Processed it through and then I was open to problem solving
around it. It actually made me curious.
I was like, oh interesting. Well what what makes somebody
not value the time? Maybe I didn't describe or
explain the value of the time in a a way that really made sense
for them. So then that.
Took me into inspired. Action and what I did from there
was I went and I followed up with a number of people who had
expressed interest in these. It was a free strategy session
that I was offering incredibly valuable.
And because I believed that. OK, well, just because this
person didn't value the time doesn't mean that somebody else
will. But if I valued my time, I went
out there and I created. 5 new appointments, the fifth one came
through the next morning. But I, I.
Literally. Turned 1 failed appointment into
5 new ones. Very exciting and I felt good
about myself. I was like oh damn.
Like the disappointment. The sting of that did not stay
long because AI was willing to feel it and BI was willing to
use my curiosity to drive me forward.
I was. Open to it, right?
Because. I wasn't bogged down with the
emotion or the avoidance of feeling the emotion.
So this is what's possible when you start to gain the awareness
and when you start to interrupt. We could say right here is when
I where I interrupted, right? Because the disappointment could
have fermented into rejection. And it did for a minute
actually, before I I turned it around.
This is. Where?
I interrupted. But you can interrupt really
anywhere. And you know, I did.
Think about actually, maybe this is where I interrupted because I
thought I started to feel the rejection.
And I, I asked myself, well, what?
Well, what's the outcome I would like to create from this?
And I said, well, I'd like to, I'd like to just move forward.
I'd like to actually feel good about what I'm doing, regardless
of what anybody else is doing 'cause I can't control what
other people do, right? But I can show up for myself, so
I'm going to go ahead and erase this because it's a lot to look
at. And hopefully your gears are
turning. Around some of your stimuli,
which you wrote down at the beginning.
What's fucking with you today or this week?
I'm going to go ahead and put that framework, the scene back
up here so you have it. And then what we want to be hip
to is the. Emotions that.
Are actually are flags for shame.
So these are what I would call a dirtier emotions.
So rejected. Feeling rejected?
Or abandoned. Those are two and those are
those. Are two that come from trauma
responses largely. So I actually believe that
adults are cannot be abandoned. We can be abandoned as children,
but that feeling of abandonment we often take with us into our
adulthoods. So you're feeling rejected or
abandoned. That's a version of either self
pity or or some other form of feeling inferior and.
That's just another. Well, it's, it's a clean pain
with shame applied. And then on the flip side,
anything that kind of smells of superiority.
So resentment, entitlement, that kind of thing.
It has happened to me in the past.
Where? Somebody didn't show up for an
appointment and I felt I felt kind of a righteous rage around
it because I felt entitled to them honoring my time, right?
That creates a more difficulty than if you just let yourself
feel angry, let yourself feel upset.
All right, so these are the three vital skills for becoming
unfuck withable as I promised you, and they have to do with
each of these three parts of the scene.
OK, so hopefully this doesn't get too.
I think it'll be fine. So these are the three skills
that I teach in my group coaching program, which is
called Feel Better for Good. These are the only three skills
you actually need to develop in yourself to change your entire
experience of life and create completely new and intentional
results for yourself in any area of your life.
The first one. Is manage your mind.
This starts with an awareness. Of what your mind is even doing.
What are the beliefs that are running the show right now?
We create an awareness of that and we start to dismantle
unuseful belief systems, call them out for like, oh, that is
an optional belief to hold. And you know, maybe maybe I want
to question that belief and start creating a new belief
system. That's the work of that that we
do in coaching. So it starts with awareness.
And then I always think of it like like supervising a toddler,
a toddler in a home. That's not toddler proof.
So it's not baby proof. So a toddler, as you can
imagine, goes around and just likes to explore everything,
right, good or bad and has no sense of what's good for it, for
it. So it it'll go and put its
fingers in all the sockets and put its hand on on the hot stove
and climb up on things and fall off.
And so when we are managing our mind, we are treating it like a
runaway toddler in a non baby proofed home.
So we need to constantly redirect it to more useful
activities than putting your finger in the sockets.
Like no, honey, we're not doing that.
And we're doing this in a loving way, right?
But we're redirecting to a more life affirming thought or
activity. No, put that down.
OK, we're going to go over here. No, come on off of that.
OK. So really it is like that when
you learn how to manage your mind.
And this might feel like a lot of work.
It does take some vigilance and it, it can feel like hard work,
especially in the beginning. But I want to offer you that it
is way less hard work than living the way that you've been
living. It's just the way that that
you've been living. Is more familiar, letting your
thoughts run away with you, but it's been taking you into danger
zones over and over and over, which are really, really awful
places to live, right? So learning the skill of
managing your mind is it's a skill that will pay you
dividends for the rest of your life.
And then of course I'm shaming the thoughts.
That you naturally have. We can't always, I mean, most of
the time we can't control the first thought that we have, the
first impulse that we have. But then we get to decide what
we do with that thought, right? Whether we invest in it, whether
we bank it, swallow it or metabolize it, or whether we
call it out and decide, you know, I'm I'm not going to, I'm
actually not going to take that one in.
So the second skill for becoming unfuck with the bull.
Is the skill of emceeing. Your emotions.
And yes, I mean. MC as in Master of ceremonies,
so I. Teach you how to become.
The master of ceremonies of the emotions in your body.
How to host both positive and negative emotion?
In a way that. Builds out the experience and
the life that you want to have from moment to moment and
day-to-day. So this.
Means moving. Negative emotion through your
body in a simple and efficient way, a way that doesn't get it
stuck and create, you know, chronic issues and toxic stress.
And then also how to appreciate positive emotion when it comes
in, and this is the most exciting part about becoming the
MCA of your emotions is how to I teach you how to create the
emotions that you need and want to feel in order to move toward
your goals. So in the case of my intentional
scene, I created Curiosity I. Created.
Ambition, you could say. From the way that I both managed
my. Mind and also emceed my
emotions. So these two incredibly
powerful. By the way, if you only mastered
one of these, your entire life would change.
But these two? Together.
Lead into the third vital skill. And that is the skill.
Of harmonizing your habits in your mind MC emotions plus
harmonize your habits equals. Oh my God, a whole new world A.
Whole new life, I know. Because I've done it for myself.
Over and over and over. And I've done it with my clients
over and over and over. So this this happens at the.
Action Level So I teach you how to use your your managed mind
and your the power of your emotions, including your
negative emotions, to fuel inspired action in your life.
And to create new habits. That are are aligned with the
person that you want to be and the future that you want to
create. So that's why I say harmonizing
your habits make sense. OK, so it is a little messy, but
I'm going to leave it up there and I want to do this vision
process with you. We have a few more minutes, but
I want you to think about 1 area of your life that you feel like
stands the, that that could needs transformation the most.
So this could be a relationship, it could be work, it could be
creating money, it could be, you know, your health, whatever it
is. And most likely there's a number
of things that you want to work with, but I, I just want you to
pick one right now. And I want you to write down.
A couple of thoughts and maybe it's feelings.
Where do you want to be in that? Area of your life in the next,
let's say, six months. So let's imagine it's November
2026. Where do you want to be in your?
Life in that particular area in six months time.
So just jot down a few thoughts and then we're going to do a
process that really locks this into your bones, OK?
All right, so. When you're ready, you can put
down your pen, your writing utensil, and we're just going to
do a progressive relaxation here and really lean into this vision
of your life. To lock in this work OK.
So you can, if you're sitting, you can put your feet on the
floor. Just get comfortable and.
Go ahead and close your eyes and.
We're going to put our. Palms face up on the lap.
And go ahead and send your. Awareness to your right palm.
Notice the sensation. In your right palm as you send
your attention there and sending your awareness now to your right
inner elbow and your right shoulder and your left shoulder,
left elbow, left palm, right palm, right elbow, right
shoulder, left shoulder, left elbow, left palm and completing
the circuit again to your right palm.
Letting this feel good this. Circle of energy to your right
elbow, right shoulder, left shoulder, left elbow, left palm,
back to your right palm, and going ahead and completing the
circuit on your own a couple more times in your own time.
This might be quick, it might might be instantaneous, it might
be a little slower than we just went, or it could be at the same
pace, or really anywhere in between, but just letting this
feel. So comforting.
And calming. To do this loop and now you're
going to invite into your mind's eye.
A vision of you having this goal, this reality.
That you just set for yourself. In six months time, it's
November 2026 and you might imagine that you're watching
yourself on a movie screen of your life.
Notice what? This.
Version of you this. Future version is doing how
she's feeling, how she's dressed, how she's responding to
the people around her and how they're responding to her.
And and any other details. That come up for you, want you
to see you as you wish to be. And stepping into the movie
screen. Now I want you to step into her
body and instantaneously take on all of her feelings, the exact
feeling she feels in her skin and her body.
Maybe it's safety. Maybe it's freedom.
Love the feeling of being. Cherished.
Valued. Maybe it's the feeling of really
having an impact. I just want you to feel what
it's like. Inside her skin, looking out her
eyes on the life that she's created, knowing you can come
back here anytime you wish. You can do the three loops.
Put the movie screen up and notice if there are any feelings
here, like fear or doubt. Anything that's a little darker,
we're going to. Just let that be OK.
Or no and give your present. Self, your transitional self.
So much love and compassion for maybe not knowing exactly how
she's going to do this, but still inviting the vision of the
possibility of becoming this woman.
And taking a deep cleansing. Breath, breathing out twice as
long on the exhale and there's no rush coming back.
When you like to, you can open your eyes, stretch a little bit,
maybe drink a little bit of water or tea.
I've got my good Earth tea here. Well done so.
Now. You know.
You've seen and you've also felt in your bones what you want to
create this vision. You also have gotten an idea of
how to create it. Broad strokes anyway with the
three vital steps, managing your mind and seeing your emotion and
harmonizing your habits or these are the skills that we want you
to grow in order to get that vision in reality.
And you also have a beginning tool for starting to interrupt
the patterns that are holding you back in the scene framework.
And now what you need is a solid plan to support you in the
acquisition of these skills and the application of the scene
framework in combination with others.
But that is the main grounding framework or tool that that I
teach my clients. And the thing about a really
powerful tool is that if you don't know how to use it or if
you're not skilled at using it, it really doesn't mean anything,
right? You can have the finest cookware
on the planet, but if you're, if you don't know how to cook, it's
not going to make a difference. So I want you, I want to enable
you to move forward powerfully toward the the life that you
want to create. And if this is something that
you want help applying, that you want help growing these skills,
which I knew I needed. I didn't have the faintest idea
of how to manage my mind or how to move emotion.
Even though I had the benefit of many years of therapy, I didn't
actually know how to process emotion on my own and how to
coach myself through a really acute and sometimes scary
emotional experience. So if this is something that you
know, you want help with, then I want to invite you onto a, this
is my, my gift for you onto what I call a triage call, which is
30 minutes where you and I sit down privately one-on-one and we
look at what's going on in your life, your specific situation.
And we contextualize these skills into what you've got
going on, what specifically is holding you back and how you can
Start learning these skills to apply to your life and, and the
life that you want to create. So the main purpose of the
triage call is to get you clarity on what your individual
work is and that includes area of your life that you want to
focus on area or areas. I always recommend we we focus
on one, two or three areas at a time. 1 can be incredibly
powerful For the women who come into my Feel Better for Good
group, we maybe start with one and get some real movement
around that one and then we move on to another and then sometimes
to another. Or we could do 2 concurrently
and that that works as well. So this is to give you clarity
on what your specific next steps are and what areas of your life
you most want to work on. And then you learn about how you
can get support to create lasting change, specifically
with the work that I do. So if you'd like to do that, you
can just pop into the chat a couple of times that work for
you, pull out your calendar and let me know in the next week,
week and 1/2 what works for you. I'm going to go ahead and stop
the recording now. But for anyone who's watching in
replay, you can just go ahead and reply to the e-mail that you
received this in reply with a few times that work for you and
we will get you in for that call, OK?
If you're ready to do the work to move forward on.
What you want and actually get it, I can help you.
I'm offering my podcast listeners a free consultation
with me to talk about what coaching can do for you this
year. Just visit effielavor.com to get
started.